Who I Am
These are my true thoughts...
My Past
08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003
09/01/2003 - 10/01/2003
10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003
11/01/2003 - 12/01/2003
12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004
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10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
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07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
Favorite Websites
albinoblacksheep.com
www.myspace.com
www.ebaumsworld.com
Credits of the Creator
Take a look at this & other blog designs @ Blogskins.com
Picture found @ Digital Blasphemy
Wednesday, July 30, 2003
Uneventful Days Fill My Summer
Self explanitory titles are nice... so today I got bitched at a lot, talked to a few people, rewatched some Strong Bad e-mails with Sarah. Emily asked me to come over and this is the second day she's tried to do something with me and I couldn't. I really want to do something with Emily but my mom always finds a reason to ground me even if it's for laughing. My parents wonder why I have no friends or at least don't do anything with them. Everytime I try to they shoot it down and after turning my friends down so many times they're just going to stop asking me.
Right now I'm talking to 2 Ashleys, Ashley Rustad and Ashley Richardson. I don't have much else to say but I'm going to go.
Self explanitory titles are nice... so today I got bitched at a lot, talked to a few people, rewatched some Strong Bad e-mails with Sarah. Emily asked me to come over and this is the second day she's tried to do something with me and I couldn't. I really want to do something with Emily but my mom always finds a reason to ground me even if it's for laughing. My parents wonder why I have no friends or at least don't do anything with them. Everytime I try to they shoot it down and after turning my friends down so many times they're just going to stop asking me.
Right now I'm talking to 2 Ashleys, Ashley Rustad and Ashley Richardson. I don't have much else to say but I'm going to go.
Mandy ~ 6:56 PM
Tuesday, July 29, 2003
One More Day for the Tally
I'm talking to TJ at the moment and no one else is on MSN. I woke up at 9:30 this morning and a few times before that. I don't have a whole lot to write about yet because I've only been awake for an hour. Not feeling poetic and at that I'm not really feeling anything. Just to catch everyone up it's been fourteen days since I've heard anything from Adam and Jason and I both think he's on assignment or he got relocated again and he couldn't tell anyone about it. I haven't written him an e-mail for quite some time and I can't really remember... it was always easier to remember when he'd send one back for me to read the next morning.
I'm talking to Phil and he just told me his car broke down, his Ford Escort and my dad has the same car as him and yesterday a woman he works with hit him and knocked out the left light in the front and Phil told me he lost that same light... same light, same car... we both think it's very weird. Sarah almost got into an accident coming home from work in her new car with two big truckers trying to make a yellow light and one was on her side and the other was on her tail end and she was trying to slow down and when the light turned red she slammed her brakes and was halfway into the midsection. My mom almost got in an accident yesterday too... *cringes* and no one knows why I don't want to drive? I'm afraid of myself in a car let alone the other people who drive.
Well I'm getting that familiar feeling that tells me to eat but not like i'm hungry. When I wake up early and I don't eat I get eerily cold and I can't stop shivering and the same thing happens if I don't sleep at all. Well I'd better go because my mom's stomping around upstairs which means she's pissed and most likely at me for something I didn't do.
I'm talking to TJ at the moment and no one else is on MSN. I woke up at 9:30 this morning and a few times before that. I don't have a whole lot to write about yet because I've only been awake for an hour. Not feeling poetic and at that I'm not really feeling anything. Just to catch everyone up it's been fourteen days since I've heard anything from Adam and Jason and I both think he's on assignment or he got relocated again and he couldn't tell anyone about it. I haven't written him an e-mail for quite some time and I can't really remember... it was always easier to remember when he'd send one back for me to read the next morning.
I'm talking to Phil and he just told me his car broke down, his Ford Escort and my dad has the same car as him and yesterday a woman he works with hit him and knocked out the left light in the front and Phil told me he lost that same light... same light, same car... we both think it's very weird. Sarah almost got into an accident coming home from work in her new car with two big truckers trying to make a yellow light and one was on her side and the other was on her tail end and she was trying to slow down and when the light turned red she slammed her brakes and was halfway into the midsection. My mom almost got in an accident yesterday too... *cringes* and no one knows why I don't want to drive? I'm afraid of myself in a car let alone the other people who drive.
Well I'm getting that familiar feeling that tells me to eat but not like i'm hungry. When I wake up early and I don't eat I get eerily cold and I can't stop shivering and the same thing happens if I don't sleep at all. Well I'd better go because my mom's stomping around upstairs which means she's pissed and most likely at me for something I didn't do.
Mandy ~ 11:04 AM
Monday, July 28, 2003
Stuck in the Train Tracks
In the tracks I stand awaiting to get hit by reality. Right now I'm enjoying the sunset but in a month or so I'll have to wake up. Right now I'm walking another line on a decision about whether to go out with Mike or Adam. Adam is a fantasy but it's weird because it's a fantasy that could come true. Mike is so eerily like me that sometimes we finish each others sentances or he'll say something like about Final Fantasy or Trigun or something else we both love and I'll tell him to stop it and he knows that I mean stop being like me. Yet there's something about Mike that keeps the mystery... he's kind of insane sometimes but it makes me laugh because I know he likes to make people laugh. Everyone is telling me to go with Mike because it's the most reasonable thing and that Mike really likes me. I don't like making decisions and obviously I won't make this one until I have to, which I feel is going to be soon. Mike's always making it harder on me because I keep getting to know him better and better and it only makes me like him more. Especially with the 6.5 hour conversation we had last night. That was the longest conversation I've ever had and that's one of my big things to be able to have with a guy is to be able to talk like that.
I don't know and it bothers me not to know... well eventually I'll be forced to know the future because I'll have to live it no matter how stupid that sounds.
In the tracks I stand awaiting to get hit by reality. Right now I'm enjoying the sunset but in a month or so I'll have to wake up. Right now I'm walking another line on a decision about whether to go out with Mike or Adam. Adam is a fantasy but it's weird because it's a fantasy that could come true. Mike is so eerily like me that sometimes we finish each others sentances or he'll say something like about Final Fantasy or Trigun or something else we both love and I'll tell him to stop it and he knows that I mean stop being like me. Yet there's something about Mike that keeps the mystery... he's kind of insane sometimes but it makes me laugh because I know he likes to make people laugh. Everyone is telling me to go with Mike because it's the most reasonable thing and that Mike really likes me. I don't like making decisions and obviously I won't make this one until I have to, which I feel is going to be soon. Mike's always making it harder on me because I keep getting to know him better and better and it only makes me like him more. Especially with the 6.5 hour conversation we had last night. That was the longest conversation I've ever had and that's one of my big things to be able to have with a guy is to be able to talk like that.
I don't know and it bothers me not to know... well eventually I'll be forced to know the future because I'll have to live it no matter how stupid that sounds.
Mandy ~ 8:01 PM
Sunday, July 27, 2003
Any Title More Fitting Than Ironic? NO...
Well my mom's pretty distressed about something. Earlier my dad told my mom he wants a divorce and my mom offered that he can leave anytime he please. It most likely goes without saying that all of the kids, Sarah, Ben, Kate, and myself would rather stay with our mom. I told my mom that I love her and I tried to cheer her up and I was dancing and singing. So she then came downstairs to sew on her sewing machine because that's one of the things she does when she's upset.
Last time she got really upset she baked and cooked a lot of things and did all of the shopping for the week early and Sarah and I noticed something was wrong but she wouldn't say. That next morning she was gone and there were two letters; one to dad and one to all of the kids. Basically what they said were 'you take me for granted and i can't stand this without having a mental break down' and in the one she wrote to dad it basically swore at him.
Our dad is good, he almost never drinks and when he does he never gets drunk, no matter what he supports our family because he does love us no matter what he says to point out all of our personal flaws and make us feel horrible. I feel like when he does this he's telling us we suck and that's a weak point that we can fix. Now the problem here is both of my parents grew up working since they could and my mom's always wanted to shelter us from that. Even now there's some things she can't even talk about and it depresses her to think about... well things from her previous life and I won't elaborate on what I know because it's bad enough to know what little I know myself. From her previous life my mom has tried to protect all four of her children as much as possible so what came out of that was four very spoiled kids.
Well we aren't spoiled like we get whatever we want because I get what I need and more just not a lot of what I want, if that makes sense. I know the value of money and I usually don't end up asking for some unless I go to the movies and then I always try to use my birthday money and I hardly ever go to the movies and I've only gone bowling like maybe 5 times ever. We're all spoiled with love, too much love. Now, when everyone's so busy I'm selfish in that I only want everyone to all be here and I end up being the only one home and I never do anything productive and i get frusterated when everyone else does stuff and all I want to do is stay home and be with my family. I realize that everyone is changing and Ben's always mean now, and Sarah is pretty selfish so she doesn't care really about anything, and dad is always gone at work or sleeping, and my mom's always busy with housework or talking on the phone or watching her show.
I could always count on Kate but now even she is occupied, with Jeff her boyfriend of almost 5 months by tomorrow. Don't get me wrong because I'm happy for her but I'll say it again that I'm selfish and sometimes (ok a lot of the time) at night I'd try to keep her awake (because we share a room) and I'd tell her we could talk about anything she wanted to but most of the time it's 'I wanna go to sleep, Jeff's coming early tomorrow' or if she does talk it's about him and I kind of regret asking to talk because she'll go on forever about Jeff and then it makes me want to have something like that. No matter what I'm always grateful for the banter and now Kate and Jeff are in their normal routine of making out and whispering on the couch, right behind me.
It bothers me to no end to hear that... I love the moment when he walks up the stairs. I hate to know Kate gets mad at me when I try to drive him away and yet she forgives me when she uses that part of the brain we share and she feels my sorrow and pain. I have to go now because my computer is lagging so that means it's going down.
Well my mom's pretty distressed about something. Earlier my dad told my mom he wants a divorce and my mom offered that he can leave anytime he please. It most likely goes without saying that all of the kids, Sarah, Ben, Kate, and myself would rather stay with our mom. I told my mom that I love her and I tried to cheer her up and I was dancing and singing. So she then came downstairs to sew on her sewing machine because that's one of the things she does when she's upset.
Last time she got really upset she baked and cooked a lot of things and did all of the shopping for the week early and Sarah and I noticed something was wrong but she wouldn't say. That next morning she was gone and there were two letters; one to dad and one to all of the kids. Basically what they said were 'you take me for granted and i can't stand this without having a mental break down' and in the one she wrote to dad it basically swore at him.
Our dad is good, he almost never drinks and when he does he never gets drunk, no matter what he supports our family because he does love us no matter what he says to point out all of our personal flaws and make us feel horrible. I feel like when he does this he's telling us we suck and that's a weak point that we can fix. Now the problem here is both of my parents grew up working since they could and my mom's always wanted to shelter us from that. Even now there's some things she can't even talk about and it depresses her to think about... well things from her previous life and I won't elaborate on what I know because it's bad enough to know what little I know myself. From her previous life my mom has tried to protect all four of her children as much as possible so what came out of that was four very spoiled kids.
Well we aren't spoiled like we get whatever we want because I get what I need and more just not a lot of what I want, if that makes sense. I know the value of money and I usually don't end up asking for some unless I go to the movies and then I always try to use my birthday money and I hardly ever go to the movies and I've only gone bowling like maybe 5 times ever. We're all spoiled with love, too much love. Now, when everyone's so busy I'm selfish in that I only want everyone to all be here and I end up being the only one home and I never do anything productive and i get frusterated when everyone else does stuff and all I want to do is stay home and be with my family. I realize that everyone is changing and Ben's always mean now, and Sarah is pretty selfish so she doesn't care really about anything, and dad is always gone at work or sleeping, and my mom's always busy with housework or talking on the phone or watching her show.
I could always count on Kate but now even she is occupied, with Jeff her boyfriend of almost 5 months by tomorrow. Don't get me wrong because I'm happy for her but I'll say it again that I'm selfish and sometimes (ok a lot of the time) at night I'd try to keep her awake (because we share a room) and I'd tell her we could talk about anything she wanted to but most of the time it's 'I wanna go to sleep, Jeff's coming early tomorrow' or if she does talk it's about him and I kind of regret asking to talk because she'll go on forever about Jeff and then it makes me want to have something like that. No matter what I'm always grateful for the banter and now Kate and Jeff are in their normal routine of making out and whispering on the couch, right behind me.
It bothers me to no end to hear that... I love the moment when he walks up the stairs. I hate to know Kate gets mad at me when I try to drive him away and yet she forgives me when she uses that part of the brain we share and she feels my sorrow and pain. I have to go now because my computer is lagging so that means it's going down.
Mandy ~ 12:35 AM
Saturday, July 26, 2003
Once More With Feeling
Sorry I couldn't think of a title... it's kind of ironic that's what I chose because I'm not really feeling a whole lot at this moment in time. Well now it's eleven days since I've heard anything from Adam and I haven't contacted his mom in a couple of days so I don't know if she has either. What's happened over these past few days in which I haven't written. Nothing much or I would've made a point to write. Well we'll start with today and work my way back although that's slightly unusual because most would say start back and work up to now. Well this morning I woke up and decided I'd make myself a cup of java which I enjoyed but even before that I awoke to Sarah and Mom's scrambling about the living room. I decided to check it out and Sarah told me to find her Sam Goody advertisement because they'd been searching for almost an hour so I walked over to the table, picked up a stack of papers and there it was under the stack. My mom looked at me slightly annoyed probably thinking 'how does she do it?' or 'why didn't we wake her up an hour ago?' without even a thank you but I pretended they did thank me. Well that was the content of today so far...
Yesterday... hmmmm... Well I lounged around quite a bit, I recall talking to Jasmine and Emily and this morning, which I count as yesterday because it was after all 4 am and I went to sleep after that. So what if I count the days according to when I sleep and wake up? Well at about 2 am I decided I was going to work off a little pent up frustration and I logged onto EQ (EverQuest) with Satereh (an alt- alternate character, which means she isn't my main, Aedari is). So I leveled Satereh from 22 to 25 in PC (Paladual Caverns). Before that I remember Sarah leaving with her friend, Jason Grant to go get hammered because the previous day was her birthday. Even before that my mom decided it was time to cut the cake which she'd made the previous day (wow, I really dislike this backwards stuff). So here I was, no makeup, hair a mess, wearing the oversized shirt Adam sent me while posing for pictures. After that (damn I didn't do it perfectly backwords) I posed for a picture on the new sofa in Adam's shirt trying to look as sexy as possible while wearing this huge shirt and not wearing any makeup... I hope it turns out ok. So even before that yesterday morning Kate and I out of nowhere decided we were going to make ourselves up in tribal makeup. I covered my face in a golden cream concealer and then smeared turquoise and black in a symmetrical pattern... I made it look like I was wearing a mask and some gold was showing on my forhead, undereyes, and lower cheeks and chin. When my mom gets the pictures developed I'll see what I can do to post the picture. Well after putting the turquoise on my eyes did their chameleon thing and changed to a dark turquoise to match, which looked pretty cool. That was basically yesterday.
Ok the day before yesterday was Sarah's birthday and nothing much happened that I can remember. I don't know which day it was before that or if it was that day but I was invited to go meet all of my friends at the fair at 12 and my mom told me that I had a dentist appointment, which completely ruined that although everyone told me it sucked because no one wanted to go on the rides and it was so childish. At my appointment I was getting molds done for a mouthguard because I grind my teeth when I sleep so when the dentist was making the molding crap she made too much and when she shoved it in my mouth I swallowed quite a bit and I gagged and when she took it out she was like wow, I put quite a lot in there... it was very disgusting and I should've thrown up on her but I didn't even throw up so I guess that wouldn't have happened. Well that was basically the content of these last few days... that I can remember.
Sorry I couldn't think of a title... it's kind of ironic that's what I chose because I'm not really feeling a whole lot at this moment in time. Well now it's eleven days since I've heard anything from Adam and I haven't contacted his mom in a couple of days so I don't know if she has either. What's happened over these past few days in which I haven't written. Nothing much or I would've made a point to write. Well we'll start with today and work my way back although that's slightly unusual because most would say start back and work up to now. Well this morning I woke up and decided I'd make myself a cup of java which I enjoyed but even before that I awoke to Sarah and Mom's scrambling about the living room. I decided to check it out and Sarah told me to find her Sam Goody advertisement because they'd been searching for almost an hour so I walked over to the table, picked up a stack of papers and there it was under the stack. My mom looked at me slightly annoyed probably thinking 'how does she do it?' or 'why didn't we wake her up an hour ago?' without even a thank you but I pretended they did thank me. Well that was the content of today so far...
Yesterday... hmmmm... Well I lounged around quite a bit, I recall talking to Jasmine and Emily and this morning, which I count as yesterday because it was after all 4 am and I went to sleep after that. So what if I count the days according to when I sleep and wake up? Well at about 2 am I decided I was going to work off a little pent up frustration and I logged onto EQ (EverQuest) with Satereh (an alt- alternate character, which means she isn't my main, Aedari is). So I leveled Satereh from 22 to 25 in PC (Paladual Caverns). Before that I remember Sarah leaving with her friend, Jason Grant to go get hammered because the previous day was her birthday. Even before that my mom decided it was time to cut the cake which she'd made the previous day (wow, I really dislike this backwards stuff). So here I was, no makeup, hair a mess, wearing the oversized shirt Adam sent me while posing for pictures. After that (damn I didn't do it perfectly backwords) I posed for a picture on the new sofa in Adam's shirt trying to look as sexy as possible while wearing this huge shirt and not wearing any makeup... I hope it turns out ok. So even before that yesterday morning Kate and I out of nowhere decided we were going to make ourselves up in tribal makeup. I covered my face in a golden cream concealer and then smeared turquoise and black in a symmetrical pattern... I made it look like I was wearing a mask and some gold was showing on my forhead, undereyes, and lower cheeks and chin. When my mom gets the pictures developed I'll see what I can do to post the picture. Well after putting the turquoise on my eyes did their chameleon thing and changed to a dark turquoise to match, which looked pretty cool. That was basically yesterday.
Ok the day before yesterday was Sarah's birthday and nothing much happened that I can remember. I don't know which day it was before that or if it was that day but I was invited to go meet all of my friends at the fair at 12 and my mom told me that I had a dentist appointment, which completely ruined that although everyone told me it sucked because no one wanted to go on the rides and it was so childish. At my appointment I was getting molds done for a mouthguard because I grind my teeth when I sleep so when the dentist was making the molding crap she made too much and when she shoved it in my mouth I swallowed quite a bit and I gagged and when she took it out she was like wow, I put quite a lot in there... it was very disgusting and I should've thrown up on her but I didn't even throw up so I guess that wouldn't have happened. Well that was basically the content of these last few days... that I can remember.
Mandy ~ 3:27 PM
Thursday, July 24, 2003
Another Day, Has Anything Changed?
I still haven't heard from Adam and that makes it eight days now. I went over to my grandparents last night and worked, and babysat, Lexy, 3 and Robbie, 5/6 (not sure of his age). They're the kids of my Mississippi cousins whom I haven't seen since I was 5 so I was happy to see them and yet it was weird that I was that young when I last saw them and now I was taking care of their kids that are that young. I hate knowing that my lifes passing me by and it's not stopping.
Well besides that I talked to Josh and he told me that he told Matt about the whole write up I did on our previous relationship (A Little History: Matt and Me, which is in the archives of this page, top right click archives). At first he joked about something that happened. He said that the night I was so quiet when Matt got icecream with his mom and mom's friend that I wanted to lose my virginity to him that night but I got my period and I couldn't. I got so mad at Josh for lying and he was like Matt straight tripped for 15 minutes and then I told him I was just fucking with him. To tell the truth I don't know what to expect to happen out of all of this... I guess I'm just hoping that Matt will stop hating or disliking me and just I don't know, forget about me? I want to be over him and I don't know how I'll accomplish that because going out with three other guys didn't help and I'm going to try again with Adam and hopefully I won't fall in love with Adam but I'll get over Matt completely. Right now I can say I don't want Matt anymore because I don't like him like that anymore... I still think he's attractive but that has nothing to do with liking him.
Now I only like two guys and they're Mike and Adam and everyone's telling me to go out with Mike but I like Adam because I'm more attracted to him... his body, his attitude, just him. I also like Mike's body and attitude but there's something more about Adam that seems like something I want more than Mike. If there were no Adam I'd most definitely go out with Mike. It's just that Adam's older, and he has this charisma and charm about him that's undeniably sexy. Then again there's something about Mike that's the same and yet with Adam it seems like more. I think it may be linked to the fact that Mike completely blew me off when I had a crush on him at the beginning of the year. I remember telling Lia, one of Mike's exs at the beginning of the year that I liked Mike and then a couple of days later she started going out with him, again. So it got me frusterated and I completely ignored Mike for some time until they broke up and Mike started showing interest in me. I was suspicious because I knew Mike really liked Lia and wanted her back so I assumed (being the protective person I am) that Mike was going to use me as a rebound to get back with Lia and of course I wasn't going to let that happen and have everyone feel sorry for me like what my close friend went through.
With Adam it was never a matter of him trying to get over a past girlfriend but that he liked me and I liked him and that's all it was... except I always thought it was a crush because I never thought in a million years he'd like me back and I just found out a few months ago that he's liked me ever since he first saw me. I kind of had a hint when he spent all night with me at the yearbook signing party. We even hugged and we both maintained eye contact and talked about everything that was on our minds. For me remaining conversation like that and being able to talk about anything and everything is crutial. That's about it... I feel I'm more attracted to Adam because he's never brought anyone else up and he's got that whole charm and charisma as well as being older and I'm always attracted to older guys, but I'm still attracted to Mike.
I still haven't heard from Adam and that makes it eight days now. I went over to my grandparents last night and worked, and babysat, Lexy, 3 and Robbie, 5/6 (not sure of his age). They're the kids of my Mississippi cousins whom I haven't seen since I was 5 so I was happy to see them and yet it was weird that I was that young when I last saw them and now I was taking care of their kids that are that young. I hate knowing that my lifes passing me by and it's not stopping.
Well besides that I talked to Josh and he told me that he told Matt about the whole write up I did on our previous relationship (A Little History: Matt and Me, which is in the archives of this page, top right click archives). At first he joked about something that happened. He said that the night I was so quiet when Matt got icecream with his mom and mom's friend that I wanted to lose my virginity to him that night but I got my period and I couldn't. I got so mad at Josh for lying and he was like Matt straight tripped for 15 minutes and then I told him I was just fucking with him. To tell the truth I don't know what to expect to happen out of all of this... I guess I'm just hoping that Matt will stop hating or disliking me and just I don't know, forget about me? I want to be over him and I don't know how I'll accomplish that because going out with three other guys didn't help and I'm going to try again with Adam and hopefully I won't fall in love with Adam but I'll get over Matt completely. Right now I can say I don't want Matt anymore because I don't like him like that anymore... I still think he's attractive but that has nothing to do with liking him.
Now I only like two guys and they're Mike and Adam and everyone's telling me to go out with Mike but I like Adam because I'm more attracted to him... his body, his attitude, just him. I also like Mike's body and attitude but there's something more about Adam that seems like something I want more than Mike. If there were no Adam I'd most definitely go out with Mike. It's just that Adam's older, and he has this charisma and charm about him that's undeniably sexy. Then again there's something about Mike that's the same and yet with Adam it seems like more. I think it may be linked to the fact that Mike completely blew me off when I had a crush on him at the beginning of the year. I remember telling Lia, one of Mike's exs at the beginning of the year that I liked Mike and then a couple of days later she started going out with him, again. So it got me frusterated and I completely ignored Mike for some time until they broke up and Mike started showing interest in me. I was suspicious because I knew Mike really liked Lia and wanted her back so I assumed (being the protective person I am) that Mike was going to use me as a rebound to get back with Lia and of course I wasn't going to let that happen and have everyone feel sorry for me like what my close friend went through.
With Adam it was never a matter of him trying to get over a past girlfriend but that he liked me and I liked him and that's all it was... except I always thought it was a crush because I never thought in a million years he'd like me back and I just found out a few months ago that he's liked me ever since he first saw me. I kind of had a hint when he spent all night with me at the yearbook signing party. We even hugged and we both maintained eye contact and talked about everything that was on our minds. For me remaining conversation like that and being able to talk about anything and everything is crutial. That's about it... I feel I'm more attracted to Adam because he's never brought anyone else up and he's got that whole charm and charisma as well as being older and I'm always attracted to older guys, but I'm still attracted to Mike.
Mandy ~ 12:07 AM
Monday, July 21, 2003
Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder... Things are Easier to Get Over Allowed Time
Which is true? It's been six days since I've heard from Adam and it's actually gotten easier... not in the actual sense but it hurts a little less and I'm keeping busy with other things. I didn't write him an e-mail yesterday and not one yet today and I don't think I'm going to either just because that makes it easier and I think writing him an e-mail every day makes it harder on me waiting for a response. When I write him an e-mail it's usually long and I put a lot of thought into it and then I think about him a lot and that's where the reasoning is. After I send the e-mail I think things like... I hope he's happy to hear from me, what will he think of it, and will anything in the e-mail offend him? The sayings go absence makes the heart grow fonder and things are easier to get over with time and I don't understand. It's like I feel I've grown more attached to Adam since he's been gone but also keep in mind I still remain correspondense with him so is he completely absent? On the other hand after so many days of not hearing from him it gets easier as the days go on. I'm going to watch Joy Ride with Jeff and Kate now although they're talking during it so I don't know how enjoyable it will be.
I'm talking to Heather Maas (my friend who moved up to the U.P. in eighth grade and just moved back down) right now. Heather just told me that Matt likes Jen, her little sister. For some reason I'm hoping he really doesn't but for another I'm hoping he does so he can return to his life a year after us. Not to sound mean but Jen is going to be a Freshman so Matt's going for the young ones now and Jen isn't that hot... she's actually not very pretty either and she's kind of heavy. Again I'm not trying to be mean but I just feel better knowing I'm better... that's very egotistical of me though. Well I found out later Matt doesn't like Jen and they actually tried ditching her in Kmart... Matt always goes for the hot ones and that's why I don't understand our previous relationship.
Which is true? It's been six days since I've heard from Adam and it's actually gotten easier... not in the actual sense but it hurts a little less and I'm keeping busy with other things. I didn't write him an e-mail yesterday and not one yet today and I don't think I'm going to either just because that makes it easier and I think writing him an e-mail every day makes it harder on me waiting for a response. When I write him an e-mail it's usually long and I put a lot of thought into it and then I think about him a lot and that's where the reasoning is. After I send the e-mail I think things like... I hope he's happy to hear from me, what will he think of it, and will anything in the e-mail offend him? The sayings go absence makes the heart grow fonder and things are easier to get over with time and I don't understand. It's like I feel I've grown more attached to Adam since he's been gone but also keep in mind I still remain correspondense with him so is he completely absent? On the other hand after so many days of not hearing from him it gets easier as the days go on. I'm going to watch Joy Ride with Jeff and Kate now although they're talking during it so I don't know how enjoyable it will be.
I'm talking to Heather Maas (my friend who moved up to the U.P. in eighth grade and just moved back down) right now. Heather just told me that Matt likes Jen, her little sister. For some reason I'm hoping he really doesn't but for another I'm hoping he does so he can return to his life a year after us. Not to sound mean but Jen is going to be a Freshman so Matt's going for the young ones now and Jen isn't that hot... she's actually not very pretty either and she's kind of heavy. Again I'm not trying to be mean but I just feel better knowing I'm better... that's very egotistical of me though. Well I found out later Matt doesn't like Jen and they actually tried ditching her in Kmart... Matt always goes for the hot ones and that's why I don't understand our previous relationship.
Mandy ~ 9:22 PM
Sunday, July 20, 2003
So Much...
Well after being up so long I came up with the idea to make my own website. I was talking with my dear friends, Ashley and Emily when the idea came into being. My site is going to be pure commical because I came up with idea when I was so messed up late at night or early in the morning is more politically correct since right now it's 2:20 am. Well anyways the idea is to write how the website happened on the first page in an intro and make some cool backgrounds for each page. I will have a link to this, my e-mail, and to other things like my favorite sites and whatnot. Then I will have a page called Mandaland (the place I go when I stay up too long and everything becomes hilarious) and on that page I will make a really cool background and have a running cartoon with crappy stick figures who are my best friends (there will be set people who will be regulars like me, Kate (sister), and Emily) and then there will be other friends or enimies whom I will feature throughout to add variaty and versatillity so my readers don't become bored. On another page I will feature my artwork and I will explain everything and I hope to make everything look really cool and hightech but easy to get around. Well that's easier said than done because I've never done anything that involves extensive computer skills because all I ever do is talk to my buddies on MSN (how this whole idea came into being), play games on Kiwibox, and type in this, oh and of course e-mailing. So to cover the really hightech stuff and anything I'll need help with I shall ask Jason, an older friend who went though computer courses at Eau Clair and when he won't be available I'll ask my brother, Ben because he has entensive knowledge about computers as well and if both of those fail I hope to e-mail Jason and hopefully he can send advice through way of that. I have tons of ideas and I saved the conversation I had with Ashley that has all of them in it. I must go to sleep now because I just got yelled at.
Well after being up so long I came up with the idea to make my own website. I was talking with my dear friends, Ashley and Emily when the idea came into being. My site is going to be pure commical because I came up with idea when I was so messed up late at night or early in the morning is more politically correct since right now it's 2:20 am. Well anyways the idea is to write how the website happened on the first page in an intro and make some cool backgrounds for each page. I will have a link to this, my e-mail, and to other things like my favorite sites and whatnot. Then I will have a page called Mandaland (the place I go when I stay up too long and everything becomes hilarious) and on that page I will make a really cool background and have a running cartoon with crappy stick figures who are my best friends (there will be set people who will be regulars like me, Kate (sister), and Emily) and then there will be other friends or enimies whom I will feature throughout to add variaty and versatillity so my readers don't become bored. On another page I will feature my artwork and I will explain everything and I hope to make everything look really cool and hightech but easy to get around. Well that's easier said than done because I've never done anything that involves extensive computer skills because all I ever do is talk to my buddies on MSN (how this whole idea came into being), play games on Kiwibox, and type in this, oh and of course e-mailing. So to cover the really hightech stuff and anything I'll need help with I shall ask Jason, an older friend who went though computer courses at Eau Clair and when he won't be available I'll ask my brother, Ben because he has entensive knowledge about computers as well and if both of those fail I hope to e-mail Jason and hopefully he can send advice through way of that. I have tons of ideas and I saved the conversation I had with Ashley that has all of them in it. I must go to sleep now because I just got yelled at.
Mandy ~ 3:13 AM
Saturday, July 19, 2003
As The Count Continues
Well now it's been four days since I've heard anything from Adam and there is a thought he might be doing it on purpose but I really hope not. Well we got our new upstairs furniture loaded in... that was fun. My father hates it but everyone else loves it. Tammy Flory came over to look at it and she really likes it. It's a rust red color, it's cushiony but not too much, and it's defintely bigger. My mom feels horrible that my father hates it and I feel bad too. He won't even sit on it and he says it's ugly and he wouldn't be caught dead sitting on that old foggy furniture. Well I'm going to go eat but that was the content of my day... so far but Jason's coming over later.
Well now it's been four days since I've heard anything from Adam and there is a thought he might be doing it on purpose but I really hope not. Well we got our new upstairs furniture loaded in... that was fun. My father hates it but everyone else loves it. Tammy Flory came over to look at it and she really likes it. It's a rust red color, it's cushiony but not too much, and it's defintely bigger. My mom feels horrible that my father hates it and I feel bad too. He won't even sit on it and he says it's ugly and he wouldn't be caught dead sitting on that old foggy furniture. Well I'm going to go eat but that was the content of my day... so far but Jason's coming over later.
Mandy ~ 5:56 PM
That Feeling
Tonight as I logged onto the computer just a few minutes ago it said that under my account I received one new e-mail and since I previously read my astrology I knew the chances were if anyone did e-mail me it was Adam. My heart skipped and as I did open my account to read the elusive e-mail there wasn't one and I became quite frusterated. I haven't heard from him in 3 days and it's quite frusterating... actually everything seems quite frusterating lately so if that word comes up a few times it isn't for my lack of words just the exact feeling I have about quite a few things. I feel quite poetic tonight and I can't quite explain it but it just happens it's one of the moods I experience every once in a while. Just a few moments ago I wrote this to my friend, Ashley on the topic of memories... They are sweet aren't they? Always the same as when you left them... if you were in love and had a memory of that the memory will forever live the same, in love, never to change just because everything else does. Another thing I wrote to her just a few moments ago about Adam when she said I was already falling in love with him and in reply I said... Sadly I can't until I get to know him, until I feel his touch, his embrace, and hear his words spoken to my face and not from over the phone or in mail... I need to physically be with him because right now I really only know him from mailing and that's completely different than face to face, hand in hand, lips on lips. That's what I want almost more than anything... to love.
My friend, Ashley Richardson came up with this great idea to unite people and we're planning and hoping it'll work. Her idea is that next year on August 29th for people of every race, age, and anything that separates anyone to come together and hold hands and sing songs. Even set up booths for donations to certain charities and then we can mail them out ourselves. She has tons of ideas and we're going to get together soon to plan it all out and make meeting dates for anyone to attend and help us. So far after just talking to a few people I have nine that want to attend all together; myself, Ashley Richardson, Ashley Rustad, Will Roffers, Sam Wanty, Emily Evenson, Katie Barbian, Chris Povish, and Phil Gritzmaucher (sorry if I spelt anyone's last name wrong). I really hope this works so anyone who reads this tells their friends about it because we really need publicity. Well I'm going to go and leave this entry on a good note because I don't want to write about everything else that's been on my mind.
Tonight as I logged onto the computer just a few minutes ago it said that under my account I received one new e-mail and since I previously read my astrology I knew the chances were if anyone did e-mail me it was Adam. My heart skipped and as I did open my account to read the elusive e-mail there wasn't one and I became quite frusterated. I haven't heard from him in 3 days and it's quite frusterating... actually everything seems quite frusterating lately so if that word comes up a few times it isn't for my lack of words just the exact feeling I have about quite a few things. I feel quite poetic tonight and I can't quite explain it but it just happens it's one of the moods I experience every once in a while. Just a few moments ago I wrote this to my friend, Ashley on the topic of memories... They are sweet aren't they? Always the same as when you left them... if you were in love and had a memory of that the memory will forever live the same, in love, never to change just because everything else does. Another thing I wrote to her just a few moments ago about Adam when she said I was already falling in love with him and in reply I said... Sadly I can't until I get to know him, until I feel his touch, his embrace, and hear his words spoken to my face and not from over the phone or in mail... I need to physically be with him because right now I really only know him from mailing and that's completely different than face to face, hand in hand, lips on lips. That's what I want almost more than anything... to love.
My friend, Ashley Richardson came up with this great idea to unite people and we're planning and hoping it'll work. Her idea is that next year on August 29th for people of every race, age, and anything that separates anyone to come together and hold hands and sing songs. Even set up booths for donations to certain charities and then we can mail them out ourselves. She has tons of ideas and we're going to get together soon to plan it all out and make meeting dates for anyone to attend and help us. So far after just talking to a few people I have nine that want to attend all together; myself, Ashley Richardson, Ashley Rustad, Will Roffers, Sam Wanty, Emily Evenson, Katie Barbian, Chris Povish, and Phil Gritzmaucher (sorry if I spelt anyone's last name wrong). I really hope this works so anyone who reads this tells their friends about it because we really need publicity. Well I'm going to go and leave this entry on a good note because I don't want to write about everything else that's been on my mind.
Mandy ~ 12:28 AM
Thursday, July 17, 2003
Same Old
I haven't heard from Adam in two days so I'll be happy when he does e-mail me. Right now I'm working on a nude self-portrait and when I'm done I don't know what I'll do with it. With all of my other work I can show it to anyone and once I'm done with this I know I won't show my parents because they'll flip or guys because then they'll think of me differently because I draw "porn" of myself so that must mean I'm a slut or something.
Well Jason just called and now he's coming over in an hour. He got the care package Adam sent and he's going to go to WalMart and get the pictures developed and then pick them up and bring them over here so I can see them and he's also going to bring over the souveniors Adam bought me. I'm so happy right now because I'm going to get to see pictures of Adam in like an hour! *sigh*
Well another person came over just ten minutes ago... Mrs. Strong from the music department with her baby, Myria. My mom took care of Myria all school year and we haven't seen her in a month so it's really exciting and I want to spend time with her. Well that's all I really have to say at this moment in time... I might write again after I see the pictures of Adam and get all yay! Until next time.
I haven't heard from Adam in two days so I'll be happy when he does e-mail me. Right now I'm working on a nude self-portrait and when I'm done I don't know what I'll do with it. With all of my other work I can show it to anyone and once I'm done with this I know I won't show my parents because they'll flip or guys because then they'll think of me differently because I draw "porn" of myself so that must mean I'm a slut or something.
Well Jason just called and now he's coming over in an hour. He got the care package Adam sent and he's going to go to WalMart and get the pictures developed and then pick them up and bring them over here so I can see them and he's also going to bring over the souveniors Adam bought me. I'm so happy right now because I'm going to get to see pictures of Adam in like an hour! *sigh*
Well another person came over just ten minutes ago... Mrs. Strong from the music department with her baby, Myria. My mom took care of Myria all school year and we haven't seen her in a month so it's really exciting and I want to spend time with her. Well that's all I really have to say at this moment in time... I might write again after I see the pictures of Adam and get all yay! Until next time.
Mandy ~ 3:11 PM
Sunday, July 13, 2003
Nothing Much
Well I only decided to write in this because I haven't in 3 days. What has happened in the last 3 days that is of any interest to anyone besides me? Well Adam wrote back that he received the care package and he loved it. He got in a water gun fight with all his buds with the squirt guns I sent and he loved the candy. I also don't know what to do about a guy friend who I like and likes me. Adam doesn't want me to go out with anyone although he says it's my choice... I don't know what to do. I counted and there's only 50-80 more days until Adam comes home. He's already pushing my buttons too. I told him where I stood on the whole premarital sex thing and that is no sex before marriage. Adam replyed with these exacts words in the e-mail he sent to me today... "I've never knowin anyone that wont have sex before marrage though. *shrug* Everyone that said that eventually did so it dosn't matter what you say, muahahaha. J/K!!!". I think he's being truthful about it and he's also trying to get his point across to me... again another thing I'm undecided on.
There's one more thing I can type quick before Ben kicks me off the computer. Tonight my Uncle Kevin (the one who's in a band) called and talked to Sarah about something after mom said she was throwing Sarah another party. I'm sure it was something like Uncle Kevin's band is going to play at Sarah's party or something. Well I'm jealous because every year Sarah gets a party and the last time I had a party was when I was in Kindergarden and I had to invite everyone and it was at Burger King... go figure. The best party she ever had was when she was 16 and she got to invite all of her friends and mom hired a DJ for all night and the works and last year for my sweet sixteen I didn't even get the traditional birthday cake that everyone always does. I remember waking up and Kate was the only one who even said 'happy birthday'. I spent my whole birthday at home doing nothing. It makes me feel so unloved when my parents go out of their way for Sarah or Ben and then leave me behind as well as Kate. You can tell who the favorites are in this family. Well I have to go now because Ben's kicking me off.
Well I only decided to write in this because I haven't in 3 days. What has happened in the last 3 days that is of any interest to anyone besides me? Well Adam wrote back that he received the care package and he loved it. He got in a water gun fight with all his buds with the squirt guns I sent and he loved the candy. I also don't know what to do about a guy friend who I like and likes me. Adam doesn't want me to go out with anyone although he says it's my choice... I don't know what to do. I counted and there's only 50-80 more days until Adam comes home. He's already pushing my buttons too. I told him where I stood on the whole premarital sex thing and that is no sex before marriage. Adam replyed with these exacts words in the e-mail he sent to me today... "I've never knowin anyone that wont have sex before marrage though. *shrug* Everyone that said that eventually did so it dosn't matter what you say, muahahaha. J/K!!!". I think he's being truthful about it and he's also trying to get his point across to me... again another thing I'm undecided on.
There's one more thing I can type quick before Ben kicks me off the computer. Tonight my Uncle Kevin (the one who's in a band) called and talked to Sarah about something after mom said she was throwing Sarah another party. I'm sure it was something like Uncle Kevin's band is going to play at Sarah's party or something. Well I'm jealous because every year Sarah gets a party and the last time I had a party was when I was in Kindergarden and I had to invite everyone and it was at Burger King... go figure. The best party she ever had was when she was 16 and she got to invite all of her friends and mom hired a DJ for all night and the works and last year for my sweet sixteen I didn't even get the traditional birthday cake that everyone always does. I remember waking up and Kate was the only one who even said 'happy birthday'. I spent my whole birthday at home doing nothing. It makes me feel so unloved when my parents go out of their way for Sarah or Ben and then leave me behind as well as Kate. You can tell who the favorites are in this family. Well I have to go now because Ben's kicking me off.
Mandy ~ 10:22 PM
Thursday, July 10, 2003
Lounging
Well I just went with my mom to take Emily home. I went into the store with Emily to drop off the movie, Head Over Heels and I was wearing black cat ears and I was getting some pretty weird looks but we thought it was funny. I saw Jasmine and her friend and we talked and Jasmine thought the ears were cute. Us bandies are different but it's fun because we don't really care what others think of us because we are comfortable with who we are... weird cat-ear wearing bandies. I'm so tired and nothing is really happening but I'm not bored. It's like a moment when you want it to be quiet and you just want to sit back and relax. I still have yet to turn in my finished application to Foster and Smith because I just want to enjoy doing nothing. I know in roughly 2 months I won't be able to enjoy anything because I'll be worrying about school again. I didn't get an e-mail from Adam today but I understand he won't be able to every day although it's hard to accept that. This will be a very uneventful day but I needed one... I can't remember the last time I had one.
Well I just went with my mom to take Emily home. I went into the store with Emily to drop off the movie, Head Over Heels and I was wearing black cat ears and I was getting some pretty weird looks but we thought it was funny. I saw Jasmine and her friend and we talked and Jasmine thought the ears were cute. Us bandies are different but it's fun because we don't really care what others think of us because we are comfortable with who we are... weird cat-ear wearing bandies. I'm so tired and nothing is really happening but I'm not bored. It's like a moment when you want it to be quiet and you just want to sit back and relax. I still have yet to turn in my finished application to Foster and Smith because I just want to enjoy doing nothing. I know in roughly 2 months I won't be able to enjoy anything because I'll be worrying about school again. I didn't get an e-mail from Adam today but I understand he won't be able to every day although it's hard to accept that. This will be a very uneventful day but I needed one... I can't remember the last time I had one.
Mandy ~ 5:05 PM
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
Undecided
I'm walking the line on quite a few decisions. The first one is whether or not to do the drawings for a poetry book my friend is doing. Well when I say friend I mean acquaintance. Basically how I feel is that he's only interested in a person if they have something he wants or can use. With me he needs someone who can draw him pictures for his book and I can draw so he likes me right now. That was harsh, he always likes me it's just that he's not really interested in talking to me unless it's about something he wants to talk about. Another thing I'm really having troubles with is this whole Matt thing and how I really like Adam. I want to tell Adam but I'm afraid he might react badly and not want to go out with me. I'm hoping he'll want to still go out with me after... I have to go because I'm going shopping at Celtic Moon...
Well I'm back now. I just watched Meet Joe Black with Emily and Kate. Oh and about the whole Adam thing he did e-mail me today so I was relieved about that. I never thought I'd like a material possession so much but Adam's getting a Mitshubitshi Eclipse and it is a gorgeous car. If you go to the offical site of Mitshubitshi you can take a 360 degree tour of the inside and outside, which you control. You can also zoom in and out on the car which is really nice. It's all leather interior so I don't really like that over the cloth because leather squeaks and it's annoying. I think I'm going to send Adam a link to the Mitshubitshi offical site so he can have fun with it too. Well Emily and Kate are going to sleep so I'd better as well although I'm not tired.
I'm walking the line on quite a few decisions. The first one is whether or not to do the drawings for a poetry book my friend is doing. Well when I say friend I mean acquaintance. Basically how I feel is that he's only interested in a person if they have something he wants or can use. With me he needs someone who can draw him pictures for his book and I can draw so he likes me right now. That was harsh, he always likes me it's just that he's not really interested in talking to me unless it's about something he wants to talk about. Another thing I'm really having troubles with is this whole Matt thing and how I really like Adam. I want to tell Adam but I'm afraid he might react badly and not want to go out with me. I'm hoping he'll want to still go out with me after... I have to go because I'm going shopping at Celtic Moon...
Well I'm back now. I just watched Meet Joe Black with Emily and Kate. Oh and about the whole Adam thing he did e-mail me today so I was relieved about that. I never thought I'd like a material possession so much but Adam's getting a Mitshubitshi Eclipse and it is a gorgeous car. If you go to the offical site of Mitshubitshi you can take a 360 degree tour of the inside and outside, which you control. You can also zoom in and out on the car which is really nice. It's all leather interior so I don't really like that over the cloth because leather squeaks and it's annoying. I think I'm going to send Adam a link to the Mitshubitshi offical site so he can have fun with it too. Well Emily and Kate are going to sleep so I'd better as well although I'm not tired.
Mandy ~ 4:04 PM
Just Another Day
Well early this morning my mom took my grandma Mary Ann back home after staying a week here. Basically I did nothing today so this entry should be rather short but who knows with me writing and all. *furrows her eyebrows in deep thought* Then again who else would be writing this besides me... *shakes head to throw the whole idea* that makes me wonder.
I feel like there's something missing and I'm trying not to say what I think it is. I won't say anything to Kate because I know she'll say it on her first guess and then reprimand me for the feelings that should've been gone months ago. I just can't help the feeling of regret and remembering everything else that makes it even worse. Today when I checked my e-mail I was hoping to get one from Adam like I do almost every day, but he still hadn't sent me one for the second day in a row. I know this may sound obsessive but I just can't help but worry without daily reminders that he's ok and he can take care of himself in the situation he's in. Another thing is he e-mails me every day and the 2 times he hasn't were because he got relocated (that was a full week without any e-mails), and when his line got cut (that was 5 days). In hope to just think about him I played the one song he said reminds him of me. I pulled up Winamp and played "Echo" by Trapt and what happened confused me. I started crying because it made me think of Matt and that's never happened before. Lately it seems like everything is reminding me of him. I wake and go about daily life dreaming about him and how it was and I sleep and dream about him some more. So really it's just like my life is basically a insesant dream about a guy I can never have again.
Come to think of it I'm in the same position as my dear friend, Emily. We both have guys in our lives that we've lost and we still think of and when I read her page a lot of the things (probably all considering Will and Matt are different guys and we were both in different situations) are the same feelings I'm having about Matt. The problem is I should be over him because we went out a year ago and it's almost been a full year since our breakup. Like when Emily typed... "oh yea, all the stupid reminders I've been having today. Like I always come across the damn number 16! Wich is the date we started going out." That is like me about Matt that whenever I hear certain songs he used to play or whenever I pass the one 4-way stop by McDonnalds (coming home from Matt's house every night) that I always had to get out and push the little button. "Well first of all I wake up from this crazy dream about him." and I have those same crazy dreams about Matt. I know it's stupid but those little things that seem so trivial to everyone else hold memories for me. I also feel really bad that Will likes me. I know I will never go out with him first of all because I don't like him and second if I did I wouldn't because of Emily. I'm loyal to my friends like that probably because of my previous friends going out with my exs and making me feel like crap. I love Emily and I'd never do anything to hurt her or any of my friends. Well until another day since it's too late to finish.
Well early this morning my mom took my grandma Mary Ann back home after staying a week here. Basically I did nothing today so this entry should be rather short but who knows with me writing and all. *furrows her eyebrows in deep thought* Then again who else would be writing this besides me... *shakes head to throw the whole idea* that makes me wonder.
I feel like there's something missing and I'm trying not to say what I think it is. I won't say anything to Kate because I know she'll say it on her first guess and then reprimand me for the feelings that should've been gone months ago. I just can't help the feeling of regret and remembering everything else that makes it even worse. Today when I checked my e-mail I was hoping to get one from Adam like I do almost every day, but he still hadn't sent me one for the second day in a row. I know this may sound obsessive but I just can't help but worry without daily reminders that he's ok and he can take care of himself in the situation he's in. Another thing is he e-mails me every day and the 2 times he hasn't were because he got relocated (that was a full week without any e-mails), and when his line got cut (that was 5 days). In hope to just think about him I played the one song he said reminds him of me. I pulled up Winamp and played "Echo" by Trapt and what happened confused me. I started crying because it made me think of Matt and that's never happened before. Lately it seems like everything is reminding me of him. I wake and go about daily life dreaming about him and how it was and I sleep and dream about him some more. So really it's just like my life is basically a insesant dream about a guy I can never have again.
Come to think of it I'm in the same position as my dear friend, Emily. We both have guys in our lives that we've lost and we still think of and when I read her page a lot of the things (probably all considering Will and Matt are different guys and we were both in different situations) are the same feelings I'm having about Matt. The problem is I should be over him because we went out a year ago and it's almost been a full year since our breakup. Like when Emily typed... "oh yea, all the stupid reminders I've been having today. Like I always come across the damn number 16! Wich is the date we started going out." That is like me about Matt that whenever I hear certain songs he used to play or whenever I pass the one 4-way stop by McDonnalds (coming home from Matt's house every night) that I always had to get out and push the little button. "Well first of all I wake up from this crazy dream about him." and I have those same crazy dreams about Matt. I know it's stupid but those little things that seem so trivial to everyone else hold memories for me. I also feel really bad that Will likes me. I know I will never go out with him first of all because I don't like him and second if I did I wouldn't because of Emily. I'm loyal to my friends like that probably because of my previous friends going out with my exs and making me feel like crap. I love Emily and I'd never do anything to hurt her or any of my friends. Well until another day since it's too late to finish.
Mandy ~ 2:13 AM
Monday, July 07, 2003
Little History: Matt and Me
As soon as I got done with the first entry and after reading my friend, Emily's entry I decided to put up a little history. Well I'll start with a relationship I had that ended almost a year ago. I figured I'm going to be writing a lot about a guy named Matt and it's only fair to those to know a little history about him.
Well the first and only class I've ever had with him was the class that led us to go out over this past summer. We had gym 1st hour, 4th quarter our Freshman year. We somewhat got to know each other (about as well as you can get to know each other between working out or playing a game). I remember the night he called and asked me to go paintballing and my sister asked him out for me and how embarassed I was that she did and not myself. Well we went paintballing and from then on I went to his house every day for almost two months that summer. He worked at Country Kitchen and when his mom went to pick him up she'd drop by my house and pick me up as well. I'd spend all day with him usually just being together and not really doing anything and it was so nice to just lay with him and feel the way I did.
Well I let outside influences effect our relationship and me but Matt was always willing to look past it because he was such a great guy. Well without getting this too personal I can basically sum it up as my mom saw we were getting too involved and she didn't want me to go out with him for a long time and then break up and be even more hurt. Well me being the good little girl my parents raised of course I had to listen to her because Mother knows best, right? I thought that was the way it went but after I realized how much of a mistake I did make in doing so and I've always regretted it because who knows where our relationship would've gone?
Well since then Matt and I haven't been on the best terms although I hope one day I can talk to him and tell him everything and have him just listen and try to understand. I'm not mad at him and I never really was although he said some nasty things to Kate (my younger sister) and there was an incident at Hodag Lanes where supposedly he was being a jerk to Sarah (my older sister) and it's probably because of me. He's also said some mean things to me on msn but that's the way guys are and I guess in some way I deserved them or he wouldn't have done it. *sigh* Well that's pretty much the history of Matt and me and now when I say his name you'll know who it is.
I still think of or have the occasional dream about him and he's never completely out of my mind. When people ask if I've ever been in love I say once, but now it's gone and if I could I'd say it's the biggest mistake I've made. I'm trying to get over him and other mistakes I've made were going out with other guys so soon because I thought that would help but it only made it worse because I thought about Matt instead of the boyfriend. Since Matt I've gone out with 3 guys, Treder, Jake, and Scott. To this day the only guy I've ever been emotionally attached to or physically done anything with is still Matt. Right now I sort of have a thing with a guy in Kuwait. His name is Adam Reynolds and I'm really hoping that I can have a relationship like the one I had with Matt or just be able to able to get over him because I know I can never have Matt back. Somehow I'm secretly hoping he'll find this and read it and maybe want to just talk but I'm not expecting anything else because it's not healthy to hold onto the whole thing especially since he's let it go. Well that's about it and I hope I didn't completely bore you.
As soon as I got done with the first entry and after reading my friend, Emily's entry I decided to put up a little history. Well I'll start with a relationship I had that ended almost a year ago. I figured I'm going to be writing a lot about a guy named Matt and it's only fair to those to know a little history about him.
Well the first and only class I've ever had with him was the class that led us to go out over this past summer. We had gym 1st hour, 4th quarter our Freshman year. We somewhat got to know each other (about as well as you can get to know each other between working out or playing a game). I remember the night he called and asked me to go paintballing and my sister asked him out for me and how embarassed I was that she did and not myself. Well we went paintballing and from then on I went to his house every day for almost two months that summer. He worked at Country Kitchen and when his mom went to pick him up she'd drop by my house and pick me up as well. I'd spend all day with him usually just being together and not really doing anything and it was so nice to just lay with him and feel the way I did.
Well I let outside influences effect our relationship and me but Matt was always willing to look past it because he was such a great guy. Well without getting this too personal I can basically sum it up as my mom saw we were getting too involved and she didn't want me to go out with him for a long time and then break up and be even more hurt. Well me being the good little girl my parents raised of course I had to listen to her because Mother knows best, right? I thought that was the way it went but after I realized how much of a mistake I did make in doing so and I've always regretted it because who knows where our relationship would've gone?
Well since then Matt and I haven't been on the best terms although I hope one day I can talk to him and tell him everything and have him just listen and try to understand. I'm not mad at him and I never really was although he said some nasty things to Kate (my younger sister) and there was an incident at Hodag Lanes where supposedly he was being a jerk to Sarah (my older sister) and it's probably because of me. He's also said some mean things to me on msn but that's the way guys are and I guess in some way I deserved them or he wouldn't have done it. *sigh* Well that's pretty much the history of Matt and me and now when I say his name you'll know who it is.
I still think of or have the occasional dream about him and he's never completely out of my mind. When people ask if I've ever been in love I say once, but now it's gone and if I could I'd say it's the biggest mistake I've made. I'm trying to get over him and other mistakes I've made were going out with other guys so soon because I thought that would help but it only made it worse because I thought about Matt instead of the boyfriend. Since Matt I've gone out with 3 guys, Treder, Jake, and Scott. To this day the only guy I've ever been emotionally attached to or physically done anything with is still Matt. Right now I sort of have a thing with a guy in Kuwait. His name is Adam Reynolds and I'm really hoping that I can have a relationship like the one I had with Matt or just be able to able to get over him because I know I can never have Matt back. Somehow I'm secretly hoping he'll find this and read it and maybe want to just talk but I'm not expecting anything else because it's not healthy to hold onto the whole thing especially since he's let it go. Well that's about it and I hope I didn't completely bore you.
Mandy ~ 3:22 PM
First Blog
Hmmm. What can I write for my first entry? Well Adam called me yesterday and it was really nice to hear from him. We talked for about 20 minutes and that's unusual because he usually only gets to talk for 5-10 minutes and then his officer will start yelling at him. Adam's in the army and he's over in Kuwait right now if anyone who reads this is curious. I sent him a care package on the 25th and he still hasn't gotten it. He sent out a package about three days ago and I hope Jason (his older brother) gets it soon so I can see all what Adam bought me and they pictures he sent. I had a dream about my ex, Matt last night although I woke up and remembered I wasn't with him anymore. I have a major problem with living in the past and I really have to get over that and Matt. I can't remember the dream or I'd post it but I just remember it was a really good dream. Lets see anything else I can write? My middle name is Marie and I adopted my mom's maiden last name, Crawford because I hate association to some of the Marquardts and the name itself. Saturday I went to my cousin's wedding reception and I jet skiied, which was a lot of fun. Life is pretty good at the moment because I have this great guy (although I won't be able to see him until September), it's summer and I can be lazy. There are problems but what's life without them? Well that's about it for today.
Hmmm. What can I write for my first entry? Well Adam called me yesterday and it was really nice to hear from him. We talked for about 20 minutes and that's unusual because he usually only gets to talk for 5-10 minutes and then his officer will start yelling at him. Adam's in the army and he's over in Kuwait right now if anyone who reads this is curious. I sent him a care package on the 25th and he still hasn't gotten it. He sent out a package about three days ago and I hope Jason (his older brother) gets it soon so I can see all what Adam bought me and they pictures he sent. I had a dream about my ex, Matt last night although I woke up and remembered I wasn't with him anymore. I have a major problem with living in the past and I really have to get over that and Matt. I can't remember the dream or I'd post it but I just remember it was a really good dream. Lets see anything else I can write? My middle name is Marie and I adopted my mom's maiden last name, Crawford because I hate association to some of the Marquardts and the name itself. Saturday I went to my cousin's wedding reception and I jet skiied, which was a lot of fun. Life is pretty good at the moment because I have this great guy (although I won't be able to see him until September), it's summer and I can be lazy. There are problems but what's life without them? Well that's about it for today.
Mandy ~ 2:10 PM