Who I Am
These are my true thoughts...
My Past
08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003
09/01/2003 - 10/01/2003
10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003
11/01/2003 - 12/01/2003
12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004
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02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
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10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
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02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
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09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005
10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
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06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
Favorite Websites
albinoblacksheep.com
www.myspace.com
www.ebaumsworld.com
Credits of the Creator
Take a look at this & other blog designs @ Blogskins.com
Picture found @ Digital Blasphemy
Saturday, August 30, 2003
Drunks are Funny
Last night I went to the Thirsty Whale in Minoqua to see my uncle Kevin perform in his band. Kevin sings and drums and he was really good and he even showed off a lot. My mom just got back from buying him drum sticks (he broke one of his sticks last night) because he couldn't find a store that sold 5Bs in Minoqua. Around the outside of the restaurant/bar was this porch that overlooked the lake and there were tons of pan fish and a few ducks came up to the side to see if we had any bread or something. Kate and I went outside a lot during the night because we aren't accustomed to smoke and such. At one point this guy approached us and he said "Hey, did you two come here with someone?" and we just stared at him blankly because he was extremely drunk so he continued and he's like "You wanna come with me?" and he walked closer and he jumped back and he's like "Fuck! You're minors! You're like what 16?" and Kate meniacly smiled and she replied "Well I'm only 15" and he practically ran away. Although before that Kate was crying because she missed Jeff we both started laughing hysterically. Then his friend, Al came and apologized to us for his friends lewd behavior although Kate and myself just found it funny. Especially since if any guy in that place tried to touch us our uncle Kevin would beat the shit out of him. My uncle Kevin is a very big guy he's about 6'4" and around 250 but he's pure muscle. He used to be in the navy and you could only imagine how intimidating he is.
Last night I went to the Thirsty Whale in Minoqua to see my uncle Kevin perform in his band. Kevin sings and drums and he was really good and he even showed off a lot. My mom just got back from buying him drum sticks (he broke one of his sticks last night) because he couldn't find a store that sold 5Bs in Minoqua. Around the outside of the restaurant/bar was this porch that overlooked the lake and there were tons of pan fish and a few ducks came up to the side to see if we had any bread or something. Kate and I went outside a lot during the night because we aren't accustomed to smoke and such. At one point this guy approached us and he said "Hey, did you two come here with someone?" and we just stared at him blankly because he was extremely drunk so he continued and he's like "You wanna come with me?" and he walked closer and he jumped back and he's like "Fuck! You're minors! You're like what 16?" and Kate meniacly smiled and she replied "Well I'm only 15" and he practically ran away. Although before that Kate was crying because she missed Jeff we both started laughing hysterically. Then his friend, Al came and apologized to us for his friends lewd behavior although Kate and myself just found it funny. Especially since if any guy in that place tried to touch us our uncle Kevin would beat the shit out of him. My uncle Kevin is a very big guy he's about 6'4" and around 250 but he's pure muscle. He used to be in the navy and you could only imagine how intimidating he is.
Mandy ~ 1:53 PM
Wednesday, August 27, 2003
Shop 'Til You Drop
That's practically what we did today. I say we as in my mom and sisters, Sarah, and Kate. We went to Wausau and shopped at TjMaxx and Kohls while Sarah's car was at Best Buy getting new speakers put in it. Sarah and Kate bought a lot of clothes whereas me, the picky one only bought two shirts, and four pairs of pants. Two pairs of the pants I can't even wear to school because supposedly now pjs aren't allowed in school with the exception of pajama day. I'm kicking back in my Calvin Klein navy pjs that I just got which are very comfy. They were origionally $40 and I got them for $13, yay! I love sales and such but I'm dead tired because I was sick last night and I was still tired today and then I really wore myself out shopping. I was kind of hoping to look around more in the mall in JcPennys, Aeropostale, American Eagle Outfitters, or whatever other stores there. I love going to Wausau because of the selection whereas here in Rhinelander you have JcPennys, Fashion Bug, and Maurices, and then there's like Shopko, Walmart, K-Mart... Sorry, talking about stupid stores. I have to go take some pills or whatever and vitamins. Nothing much else to say except I went to this party... oh there's something to say, hehe.
On Sunday I went to Will Roffer's party and it was great. I'm sure the guys outnumbered the girls and there were a few cuties there... As soon as I got there I got into my swimsuit and went tubing with Mike Hill and Josh Russle. At first I was on the outside but Josh told me to climb over him to get in the middle because I was too light and I'd flip off. It was quite commical... I tried to but ended up laughing on top of him and he made a joke out of it and I finally got to the middle. We went tubing for quite some time and the only way Will could flip us off was by going around in circles and going through the middle and braking as we hit a wave and tipped forward. That was fun although I broke a lot of the blood vessles in my thighs and got a burn on my hip. Even before all that I noticed this guy... hehe. His name is Zach Baron and as soon as I saw him in his suit I was drooling. Tell me how a 14 year old boy has a body like he did. I basically knew he wouldn't pay any attention to me so I didn't think much more about that although I tried to flirt here and there. I think he noticed me when we went to Will's room and we had a little black light party of a handful of people. Later that night I played with Dakota, Will's 3 year old sister a bit and made smores. After dark Josh and Kenny decided they were going to go streaking down the road and I wanted to go too. Zach followed us but when I asked him if he was going he said no, which confused me. I walked down the road and Josh was in his boxers and so was Kenny and I had my jeans unbuttoned and unzippered and was in the process of taking off my shirt when Will's mom walked down the road and investigated. That unfortunately didn't happen, hehe. The last thing I remember doing was seeing how many people could fit on the swing down by the lake and we ended up getting seven people on there. I was sitting on Josh's and Zach's laps until my sister came and stole Zach from me. For some reason though I wasn't mad at Kate but I wanted to sit on Zach's lap. At the end of the night I hugged Zach goodbye and my mom gave Josh and Jim rides home. That party was so much fun and Kate and I were hoping to have a party and invite everyone from Will's party and some other friends. The only problem with that is getting our mom to agree to it, which she already said no to.
That's practically what we did today. I say we as in my mom and sisters, Sarah, and Kate. We went to Wausau and shopped at TjMaxx and Kohls while Sarah's car was at Best Buy getting new speakers put in it. Sarah and Kate bought a lot of clothes whereas me, the picky one only bought two shirts, and four pairs of pants. Two pairs of the pants I can't even wear to school because supposedly now pjs aren't allowed in school with the exception of pajama day. I'm kicking back in my Calvin Klein navy pjs that I just got which are very comfy. They were origionally $40 and I got them for $13, yay! I love sales and such but I'm dead tired because I was sick last night and I was still tired today and then I really wore myself out shopping. I was kind of hoping to look around more in the mall in JcPennys, Aeropostale, American Eagle Outfitters, or whatever other stores there. I love going to Wausau because of the selection whereas here in Rhinelander you have JcPennys, Fashion Bug, and Maurices, and then there's like Shopko, Walmart, K-Mart... Sorry, talking about stupid stores. I have to go take some pills or whatever and vitamins. Nothing much else to say except I went to this party... oh there's something to say, hehe.
On Sunday I went to Will Roffer's party and it was great. I'm sure the guys outnumbered the girls and there were a few cuties there... As soon as I got there I got into my swimsuit and went tubing with Mike Hill and Josh Russle. At first I was on the outside but Josh told me to climb over him to get in the middle because I was too light and I'd flip off. It was quite commical... I tried to but ended up laughing on top of him and he made a joke out of it and I finally got to the middle. We went tubing for quite some time and the only way Will could flip us off was by going around in circles and going through the middle and braking as we hit a wave and tipped forward. That was fun although I broke a lot of the blood vessles in my thighs and got a burn on my hip. Even before all that I noticed this guy... hehe. His name is Zach Baron and as soon as I saw him in his suit I was drooling. Tell me how a 14 year old boy has a body like he did. I basically knew he wouldn't pay any attention to me so I didn't think much more about that although I tried to flirt here and there. I think he noticed me when we went to Will's room and we had a little black light party of a handful of people. Later that night I played with Dakota, Will's 3 year old sister a bit and made smores. After dark Josh and Kenny decided they were going to go streaking down the road and I wanted to go too. Zach followed us but when I asked him if he was going he said no, which confused me. I walked down the road and Josh was in his boxers and so was Kenny and I had my jeans unbuttoned and unzippered and was in the process of taking off my shirt when Will's mom walked down the road and investigated. That unfortunately didn't happen, hehe. The last thing I remember doing was seeing how many people could fit on the swing down by the lake and we ended up getting seven people on there. I was sitting on Josh's and Zach's laps until my sister came and stole Zach from me. For some reason though I wasn't mad at Kate but I wanted to sit on Zach's lap. At the end of the night I hugged Zach goodbye and my mom gave Josh and Jim rides home. That party was so much fun and Kate and I were hoping to have a party and invite everyone from Will's party and some other friends. The only problem with that is getting our mom to agree to it, which she already said no to.
Mandy ~ 8:39 PM
Saturday, August 23, 2003
One More Day, One Less Day
That's true depending on how you see it. All you need is a goal or something to reach and that's true... I think March is my goal because that's when Adam comes home. I don't want to put to much on this whole thing because if nothing happens I'll be crushed. I can also look forward to school or not and still count down the days, which means 10 more days. It's kind of depressing that my whole summer is almost over and I did almost nothing, but I did thoroughly enjoy being almost completely lazy although my dad made me do work occasionally. I hate the fact that picture day is only two days after school starts... it's just like ok, if school starting isn't hectic enough add in picture day soon enough to add that special hint of mass chaos. *sigh* Well I read Mike's blogger after he hasn't written for so long and it looks like he's over me. I'm glad he got away from me fast enough to be caused more pain than he needs. Well I don't have much else to say so until my next blogger...
That's true depending on how you see it. All you need is a goal or something to reach and that's true... I think March is my goal because that's when Adam comes home. I don't want to put to much on this whole thing because if nothing happens I'll be crushed. I can also look forward to school or not and still count down the days, which means 10 more days. It's kind of depressing that my whole summer is almost over and I did almost nothing, but I did thoroughly enjoy being almost completely lazy although my dad made me do work occasionally. I hate the fact that picture day is only two days after school starts... it's just like ok, if school starting isn't hectic enough add in picture day soon enough to add that special hint of mass chaos. *sigh* Well I read Mike's blogger after he hasn't written for so long and it looks like he's over me. I'm glad he got away from me fast enough to be caused more pain than he needs. Well I don't have much else to say so until my next blogger...
Mandy ~ 11:08 PM
Friday, August 22, 2003
Did I Just Notice?
No, I didn't but it's become so common that it's normal... when I'm depressed people don't want to deal with me. Not to sound like I'm trying to play a huge pity trip because that's the last thing I want to do. I understand why people don't want to talk to depressing people. It's because they're depressing... duh you think but what I mean is it makes perfect sense for a person in a good mood to want to stay in a good mood and when they talk to someone depressing it effects them and their mood.
Jason came over earlier tonight and he brought more pictures of Adam and I was so psyched and Adam had e-mailed me today as well and he said the sweetest things. I thought I was going to be in a good mood for the rest of the day and that's what I e-mailed Adam back. Well I really liked all the pictures of Adam and there were quite a few more than the previous sets although the amount of pictures was much less, weird. I was going to scan them in but my brother, Ben was on the pc (the one with the scanner) playing EQ so I knew he wouldn't get off even after I explained my delema. So then we watched a few episodes of Escaflowne and then Jason went on his way at about quarter past midnight.
While we were watching Escaflowne, which everyone except Jason had seen before everyone occasionally talked. Sarah kept freaking out on me for ruining the series for Jason when I only spoke a few words. In fact Jason felt bad and actually defended me against Sarah... for instance at one part Van flies and cathces Hitomi and Hitomi thinks it's Allen and I said 'that ain't Allen girl' and Jason laughed and Sarah bitched me out for 'giving it away' when in the previews it clearly showed Van was the one who caught her but she was in the bathroom so she thought I was just giving away the story. Jason explained he saw Van catch Hitomi in the previews and Sarah still bitched me out so finally I left and layed in my bed for about an hour and then Jason left and I went downstairs and have been on the pc since then.
When Jason was pulling out of the driveway I started crying and I felt so horrible because of Sarah yelling at me. I felt so horrible I wrote Jason an apology e-mail telling him I was really sorry I ruined the series for him (although Jason said I didn't because he saw the previews). I swear she has a strong disliking towards me and it might partially be because I made friends with Jason and she's jealous although all she ever does is push him away and flirt with other guys in front of him when she knows he has this huge crush on her. *sigh* I bet Jason feels bad for Sarah yelling at me although it wasn't his fault whatsoever.
No, I didn't but it's become so common that it's normal... when I'm depressed people don't want to deal with me. Not to sound like I'm trying to play a huge pity trip because that's the last thing I want to do. I understand why people don't want to talk to depressing people. It's because they're depressing... duh you think but what I mean is it makes perfect sense for a person in a good mood to want to stay in a good mood and when they talk to someone depressing it effects them and their mood.
Jason came over earlier tonight and he brought more pictures of Adam and I was so psyched and Adam had e-mailed me today as well and he said the sweetest things. I thought I was going to be in a good mood for the rest of the day and that's what I e-mailed Adam back. Well I really liked all the pictures of Adam and there were quite a few more than the previous sets although the amount of pictures was much less, weird. I was going to scan them in but my brother, Ben was on the pc (the one with the scanner) playing EQ so I knew he wouldn't get off even after I explained my delema. So then we watched a few episodes of Escaflowne and then Jason went on his way at about quarter past midnight.
While we were watching Escaflowne, which everyone except Jason had seen before everyone occasionally talked. Sarah kept freaking out on me for ruining the series for Jason when I only spoke a few words. In fact Jason felt bad and actually defended me against Sarah... for instance at one part Van flies and cathces Hitomi and Hitomi thinks it's Allen and I said 'that ain't Allen girl' and Jason laughed and Sarah bitched me out for 'giving it away' when in the previews it clearly showed Van was the one who caught her but she was in the bathroom so she thought I was just giving away the story. Jason explained he saw Van catch Hitomi in the previews and Sarah still bitched me out so finally I left and layed in my bed for about an hour and then Jason left and I went downstairs and have been on the pc since then.
When Jason was pulling out of the driveway I started crying and I felt so horrible because of Sarah yelling at me. I felt so horrible I wrote Jason an apology e-mail telling him I was really sorry I ruined the series for him (although Jason said I didn't because he saw the previews). I swear she has a strong disliking towards me and it might partially be because I made friends with Jason and she's jealous although all she ever does is push him away and flirt with other guys in front of him when she knows he has this huge crush on her. *sigh* I bet Jason feels bad for Sarah yelling at me although it wasn't his fault whatsoever.
Mandy ~ 2:23 AM
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
Nightmare
I just woke up about 15 minutes ago (it's now 10:30) from this horrific dream. To start I haven't had a nightmare for a long time... 8th grade sounds about right. Well I can't remember everything because the first thing I did when I woke up was go and sit out on the living room couch. I then returned to my room and wrote down everything I could remember which was a great deal less than when I had woken up.
I was in a hotel watching a scary movie with a bunch of girls. I remember sitting at a fireplace and looking at 2 mattresses on the floor and then a couch. One of the matresses was a coil mattress and was very uncomfortable and the other was just a stuffed one. I also recall getting into a conversation before the movie about the mattresses. Well we watched that absolutely horrifying movie and then we went to sleep. I woke up in a dream and experienced everything through each persons' eyes.
It was like a spin-off of Buffy the Vampire Slayer but with only Jiles and Buffy. There were all these people with specail powers but were weird powers. The only one I can remember was the first guy I saw through. He was like the pope but much younger around 30 and when something bad was going to happen to him his white cloak swirled black. Well this pope guy was sitting at the fireplace (where I had watched the movie from) and another guy was throwing round metal stars that look like soda can tops. Well the second guy who was throwing the serrated tops went up to the pope guy and cut his throat but not enough for him to die and then left him. *that's all I can remember from the beginning*
Towards the end of the dream (if this were a movie it would be the last 10 minutes) I was Buffy Sommers. I was in the hotel and all of the group had been killed different ways. I was running from zombies who seemed to come at me from each way. I turned into a hotel room and ran through the rooms in the bathroom and braced myself with my back up against the door and my feet to the wall. I heard someone come in and wash their hands and then after a while there was silence. I remember thinking about how I could slip out the window if it was a foot bigger and then fall to my death into the black woods.
For some reason there was 2 feet of clearance above the bathroom door and I got curious and looked over and a caucasion brunette popped her head up. At first her eyes were closed but then they opened and were yellow. I clawed at her eyes and she fell back and came up and her right eye (from my view) read 'DOOM' and the left eye (from my view) that I stuck my finger nail in read 'DOOMS DAY'. She came at me and she said "It's slow... it's always slow." I knew she meant my death as she reached up for me over through the clearance and then I woke up.
Well that's all of the dream I remember but it was freaky as all hell and I hope I never have a dream like that again. I think it was partially my fault I had it though because when I was watching Buffy yesterday (the episode where Angel tries to kill himself by waiting for the sun but then it snows and the clouds block out the sun) when Buffy was walking with Angel after his suicide attempt I wished I could be Buffy because it always seemed to work out in the end. What I meant was that I would've liked to be Buffy walking with Angel through the snow but I guess my brain interpretted that completely wrong and gave me the scary side of Buffy.
Well I didn't get an e-mail from Adam today although I can't say I wasn't expecting it because he's back at Camp Shitty. I've gone almost a month without hearing from him so I should be ok if I don't hear from him from another but I'd still rather hear from him.
I just woke up about 15 minutes ago (it's now 10:30) from this horrific dream. To start I haven't had a nightmare for a long time... 8th grade sounds about right. Well I can't remember everything because the first thing I did when I woke up was go and sit out on the living room couch. I then returned to my room and wrote down everything I could remember which was a great deal less than when I had woken up.
I was in a hotel watching a scary movie with a bunch of girls. I remember sitting at a fireplace and looking at 2 mattresses on the floor and then a couch. One of the matresses was a coil mattress and was very uncomfortable and the other was just a stuffed one. I also recall getting into a conversation before the movie about the mattresses. Well we watched that absolutely horrifying movie and then we went to sleep. I woke up in a dream and experienced everything through each persons' eyes.
It was like a spin-off of Buffy the Vampire Slayer but with only Jiles and Buffy. There were all these people with specail powers but were weird powers. The only one I can remember was the first guy I saw through. He was like the pope but much younger around 30 and when something bad was going to happen to him his white cloak swirled black. Well this pope guy was sitting at the fireplace (where I had watched the movie from) and another guy was throwing round metal stars that look like soda can tops. Well the second guy who was throwing the serrated tops went up to the pope guy and cut his throat but not enough for him to die and then left him. *that's all I can remember from the beginning*
Towards the end of the dream (if this were a movie it would be the last 10 minutes) I was Buffy Sommers. I was in the hotel and all of the group had been killed different ways. I was running from zombies who seemed to come at me from each way. I turned into a hotel room and ran through the rooms in the bathroom and braced myself with my back up against the door and my feet to the wall. I heard someone come in and wash their hands and then after a while there was silence. I remember thinking about how I could slip out the window if it was a foot bigger and then fall to my death into the black woods.
For some reason there was 2 feet of clearance above the bathroom door and I got curious and looked over and a caucasion brunette popped her head up. At first her eyes were closed but then they opened and were yellow. I clawed at her eyes and she fell back and came up and her right eye (from my view) read 'DOOM' and the left eye (from my view) that I stuck my finger nail in read 'DOOMS DAY'. She came at me and she said "It's slow... it's always slow." I knew she meant my death as she reached up for me over through the clearance and then I woke up.
Well that's all of the dream I remember but it was freaky as all hell and I hope I never have a dream like that again. I think it was partially my fault I had it though because when I was watching Buffy yesterday (the episode where Angel tries to kill himself by waiting for the sun but then it snows and the clouds block out the sun) when Buffy was walking with Angel after his suicide attempt I wished I could be Buffy because it always seemed to work out in the end. What I meant was that I would've liked to be Buffy walking with Angel through the snow but I guess my brain interpretted that completely wrong and gave me the scary side of Buffy.
Well I didn't get an e-mail from Adam today although I can't say I wasn't expecting it because he's back at Camp Shitty. I've gone almost a month without hearing from him so I should be ok if I don't hear from him from another but I'd still rather hear from him.
Mandy ~ 11:13 AM
Monday, August 18, 2003
Too Much Time...
I've already bitched enough about how fast everything seems to be going. I couldn't think of a title so that's what happened... Well Adam e-mailed me today and yesterday. He's on vacation in Qatar and tomorrow which is technically there for him because there's a 7 hour time difference... well he's back at the place he calls 'Camp Shitty', the place where he has no ac or any luxeries. He had a good 4 days in Qatar because he was on the water and he got to do a ton of things like enjoy ac for one, and go skiing, wakeboarding, para-sailing... ect. I was so happy he got a break because they so deserved one. Adam said he felt he was keeping me prisoner because he wouldn't be here for over another half year. i actually don't mind but if I met another guy I like it'll really test my will power. Jason got more pictures of Adam this past week and he's going to bring them over soon and Adam also took a lot of pictures during his vacation and there are some of him shirtless. *shivers* The two week wait will definitely be worth it to see those pictures.
Well... that's the happy subject although him not coming home for quite some time isn't happy it's happier than other things... I won't say a lot on this because I only want my closest friends to know but my mom has been sick for many years now and she finally found out what it is. It's bad... a bad disease, I just hate that word, disease. I promised myself I wouldn't cry in front of her, to be strong for her and let her know I'm always going to be here even if she isn't. I'm going to go because I've written more than enough already and I'm sure someone will tell other people and everyone will eventually know anyway. For some reason I always feel better after crying but after I cried tonight I felt very numb. Now I shall end this depressing blog before I go into further depth.
I've already bitched enough about how fast everything seems to be going. I couldn't think of a title so that's what happened... Well Adam e-mailed me today and yesterday. He's on vacation in Qatar and tomorrow which is technically there for him because there's a 7 hour time difference... well he's back at the place he calls 'Camp Shitty', the place where he has no ac or any luxeries. He had a good 4 days in Qatar because he was on the water and he got to do a ton of things like enjoy ac for one, and go skiing, wakeboarding, para-sailing... ect. I was so happy he got a break because they so deserved one. Adam said he felt he was keeping me prisoner because he wouldn't be here for over another half year. i actually don't mind but if I met another guy I like it'll really test my will power. Jason got more pictures of Adam this past week and he's going to bring them over soon and Adam also took a lot of pictures during his vacation and there are some of him shirtless. *shivers* The two week wait will definitely be worth it to see those pictures.
Well... that's the happy subject although him not coming home for quite some time isn't happy it's happier than other things... I won't say a lot on this because I only want my closest friends to know but my mom has been sick for many years now and she finally found out what it is. It's bad... a bad disease, I just hate that word, disease. I promised myself I wouldn't cry in front of her, to be strong for her and let her know I'm always going to be here even if she isn't. I'm going to go because I've written more than enough already and I'm sure someone will tell other people and everyone will eventually know anyway. For some reason I always feel better after crying but after I cried tonight I felt very numb. Now I shall end this depressing blog before I go into further depth.
Mandy ~ 11:24 PM
Thursday, August 14, 2003
There's No Place Like Home
I'm so happy I'm home because a certain person *cough* Rustad *cough* was really getting on my nerves. Besides that everything was so much fun. I'm too tired to even try to go into details about a 5 day trip. Right now I'm writing an e-mail to Adam because he wrote me on the 11th. He also called me the day before I left and I got to talk to him for 5 minutes. He won't be coming home until March but he'll be at Fort Mccoy, Madison by January and Jason actually called me and invited me to go with his mom and him to visit Adam in February but my mom already said no. I'm shocked at what's on the news... New York, Toledo, Toronto, Detroit, Albany, Cleveland, Ottowa, Conneticut, and New Jersey all had blackouts and it's just mass chaos. Well I have nothing else to say really since I won't be going into details about the trip.
I'm so happy I'm home because a certain person *cough* Rustad *cough* was really getting on my nerves. Besides that everything was so much fun. I'm too tired to even try to go into details about a 5 day trip. Right now I'm writing an e-mail to Adam because he wrote me on the 11th. He also called me the day before I left and I got to talk to him for 5 minutes. He won't be coming home until March but he'll be at Fort Mccoy, Madison by January and Jason actually called me and invited me to go with his mom and him to visit Adam in February but my mom already said no. I'm shocked at what's on the news... New York, Toledo, Toronto, Detroit, Albany, Cleveland, Ottowa, Conneticut, and New Jersey all had blackouts and it's just mass chaos. Well I have nothing else to say really since I won't be going into details about the trip.
Mandy ~ 4:30 PM
Sunday, August 10, 2003
Leaving on a Jet Plane *she sings* Actually in a Van... Don't Know When I'll be Back Again *she continues* Actually I'll be Back on Thursday
I felt very cleaver when I thought that up... hehe. So much that I used it as my msn name and besides that then everyone knows I'm gone! I'm so excited for one because I'm getting away from here for almost a week with friends, I'm single and I can't flirt (if I want), and yet there's Adam... *happily sighs* I finally heard from him this morning at 7 am, only 2 hours after I went to sleep. I stayed up and talked to Susie aka Ashley, hehe! I'm going to the U.P. aka the Upper Peninsula with Vix aka Heather, Susie aka Ashley, Harley aka Ashley, and Dakota aka Dakota, hehe. I love my girls!
I also love my bandies, don't think I'm forgetting you! I'm so giggly, bubbly, anxious, and excited. This is all about leaving my troubles and having a good time and then having to return back to them after it's over... like a vacation from my vacation, haha, everything's funny. I'm kind of scared because I get homesick and I hate that feeling... I also hate good byes and I suck at them... I came on earlier and said them and now I'm back on again. I can't let go because I always get attached... always. I don't know how I'm going to leave to start my life... maybe the man I'll be with will make me too anxious to start soon and it won't be that bad.
Well Jeff is leaving and this is the last time I'll see him for a year since I'm leaving. It makes me sad although he's Kate's bf... I'm no where near as sad as she is but I'll miss that guy... Cheif! and I Tonto... hehe, many a good inside joke! *dreamily remembers how simplistic the past was* Sometimes I wished I could go back because I feel old at the ripe age of 16! Haha, and now I'm laughing at myself.
I just had to say good bye to Jeff and I started crying and I hugged him. I don't want to get any older because everyone goes their separate ways and you might never see them again. Well I know for sure I won't see Jeff for a year. Well I have to go because Ben wants the pc.
I felt very cleaver when I thought that up... hehe. So much that I used it as my msn name and besides that then everyone knows I'm gone! I'm so excited for one because I'm getting away from here for almost a week with friends, I'm single and I can't flirt (if I want), and yet there's Adam... *happily sighs* I finally heard from him this morning at 7 am, only 2 hours after I went to sleep. I stayed up and talked to Susie aka Ashley, hehe! I'm going to the U.P. aka the Upper Peninsula with Vix aka Heather, Susie aka Ashley, Harley aka Ashley, and Dakota aka Dakota, hehe. I love my girls!
I also love my bandies, don't think I'm forgetting you! I'm so giggly, bubbly, anxious, and excited. This is all about leaving my troubles and having a good time and then having to return back to them after it's over... like a vacation from my vacation, haha, everything's funny. I'm kind of scared because I get homesick and I hate that feeling... I also hate good byes and I suck at them... I came on earlier and said them and now I'm back on again. I can't let go because I always get attached... always. I don't know how I'm going to leave to start my life... maybe the man I'll be with will make me too anxious to start soon and it won't be that bad.
Well Jeff is leaving and this is the last time I'll see him for a year since I'm leaving. It makes me sad although he's Kate's bf... I'm no where near as sad as she is but I'll miss that guy... Cheif! and I Tonto... hehe, many a good inside joke! *dreamily remembers how simplistic the past was* Sometimes I wished I could go back because I feel old at the ripe age of 16! Haha, and now I'm laughing at myself.
I just had to say good bye to Jeff and I started crying and I hugged him. I don't want to get any older because everyone goes their separate ways and you might never see them again. Well I know for sure I won't see Jeff for a year. Well I have to go because Ben wants the pc.
Mandy ~ 2:11 AM
Thursday, August 07, 2003
*As She Stares Blankly at the Screen*
What was the question again? Oh yes, there wasn't a question... it was just me trying to think of a title. Well that should do ok I guess. Last night and more like this morning I talked to Josh, my ex bf, Matt's friend. We talked about quite a lot of stuff and mostly Matt because he is, well to be honest one of my favorite topics. He said that Matt has a beautiful new horse and it's a bay stallion that's 2. I would love to see that horse but that's no where near how much I want to see Matt. Josh told me that Matt hasn't had a date since me and that just broke me and I couldn't stop crying and I knew it would be so easy for Matt to get a girl because he's Matt. Josh reemed me out twice because he got frusterated and who wouldn't seeing the situation and knowing I threw it all away because of my mom. I prefer physical pain to emotional pain because physical pain eventually goes away and emotional pain is always there and the most simple reminder can set it off and make it hurt again. For some reason I'm not really thinking about a lot and I should be happy because that's the calm before the storm. So right now it's calm and I'm going to go and wait for the storm.
What was the question again? Oh yes, there wasn't a question... it was just me trying to think of a title. Well that should do ok I guess. Last night and more like this morning I talked to Josh, my ex bf, Matt's friend. We talked about quite a lot of stuff and mostly Matt because he is, well to be honest one of my favorite topics. He said that Matt has a beautiful new horse and it's a bay stallion that's 2. I would love to see that horse but that's no where near how much I want to see Matt. Josh told me that Matt hasn't had a date since me and that just broke me and I couldn't stop crying and I knew it would be so easy for Matt to get a girl because he's Matt. Josh reemed me out twice because he got frusterated and who wouldn't seeing the situation and knowing I threw it all away because of my mom. I prefer physical pain to emotional pain because physical pain eventually goes away and emotional pain is always there and the most simple reminder can set it off and make it hurt again. For some reason I'm not really thinking about a lot and I should be happy because that's the calm before the storm. So right now it's calm and I'm going to go and wait for the storm.
Mandy ~ 10:03 PM
Wednesday, August 06, 2003
Too Much Too Fast
Why is it that I'm going to be 17 in a month and a half and I still don't have my drivers liceanse? That I'm going back school in less than a month and I haven't gone school shopping at all. I'm lazy and I hate to procrastinate but somehow I always manage to do just that. I hate the fact that life's passing me by and I can't do anything to stop or even just slow it. I don't know what else to say besides the fact that knowing this knowledge extremely frusterates me. I will apologize now for any spelling or grammatical errors because as I write this I'm singing to Evanescence and it's kind of hard to remember the words to the song and try to keep those from mixing with the words I wish to write in this. I really need to keep singing because when school starts I sing in front of others and then I don't want to embarass myself, haha like I don't do that in other ways. I can really practice my voice to Evanescence because the lead singer actually hits the high notes that work my voice. Now I'm taking requests, hahaha. Jeff told me to put on Tourniquet so it's ok because it's Evanescence. Muwhahahaha how many times can I write Evanescence. Ok I'm a bit condrictory tonight although it's still quite light outside it's technically light... that always made me wonder. Then again with the lights savings or whatever you call it when you turn your clock back and then forward and I get so conflustered... if you didn't pick that up conflustered isn't actually a word but that's what I like to say when I get confused. It's like a thing with my friends and we all have different versions of it like confuddled.
Well I just lost my train of thought because Kate fell on the ground and made Jeff pick her up and Sarah and Ben are in Ben's room and my mom came down and started talking and then I had to give Ben the number from his boss who asked if he would work overtime. Now I'm eating icecream... hmmmm it's called Black Raspberry Dream or something but it's really good. I... can't... think... icecream too good. So lately I've been looking up horses for sale on this site and I've 3 or so that really catch my eye and there's hundreds of them. I found quite a few pretty Arabians on that site. The prices of the horses I've seen so far range from like $400-$60,000... isn't that insane? 60 grand for a horse... I'd never pay that much and as it looks I won't be getting the chance anyway because my dad absolutely loathes horses and he said "you put gold in their mouth and just get shit in return"... I can't really think of anything else to write but I just had some free time so I thought I'd write down my insesant ramblings besides the fact to make this blogger look fleshy... haha, sure, Amanda, sure. So now that I'm going insane I'd better leave.
Why is it that I'm going to be 17 in a month and a half and I still don't have my drivers liceanse? That I'm going back school in less than a month and I haven't gone school shopping at all. I'm lazy and I hate to procrastinate but somehow I always manage to do just that. I hate the fact that life's passing me by and I can't do anything to stop or even just slow it. I don't know what else to say besides the fact that knowing this knowledge extremely frusterates me. I will apologize now for any spelling or grammatical errors because as I write this I'm singing to Evanescence and it's kind of hard to remember the words to the song and try to keep those from mixing with the words I wish to write in this. I really need to keep singing because when school starts I sing in front of others and then I don't want to embarass myself, haha like I don't do that in other ways. I can really practice my voice to Evanescence because the lead singer actually hits the high notes that work my voice. Now I'm taking requests, hahaha. Jeff told me to put on Tourniquet so it's ok because it's Evanescence. Muwhahahaha how many times can I write Evanescence. Ok I'm a bit condrictory tonight although it's still quite light outside it's technically light... that always made me wonder. Then again with the lights savings or whatever you call it when you turn your clock back and then forward and I get so conflustered... if you didn't pick that up conflustered isn't actually a word but that's what I like to say when I get confused. It's like a thing with my friends and we all have different versions of it like confuddled.
Well I just lost my train of thought because Kate fell on the ground and made Jeff pick her up and Sarah and Ben are in Ben's room and my mom came down and started talking and then I had to give Ben the number from his boss who asked if he would work overtime. Now I'm eating icecream... hmmmm it's called Black Raspberry Dream or something but it's really good. I... can't... think... icecream too good. So lately I've been looking up horses for sale on this site and I've 3 or so that really catch my eye and there's hundreds of them. I found quite a few pretty Arabians on that site. The prices of the horses I've seen so far range from like $400-$60,000... isn't that insane? 60 grand for a horse... I'd never pay that much and as it looks I won't be getting the chance anyway because my dad absolutely loathes horses and he said "you put gold in their mouth and just get shit in return"... I can't really think of anything else to write but I just had some free time so I thought I'd write down my insesant ramblings besides the fact to make this blogger look fleshy... haha, sure, Amanda, sure. So now that I'm going insane I'd better leave.
Mandy ~ 7:49 PM
Tuesday, August 05, 2003
Too Tired Too Care
Well today I went to sleep around 5 am and woke up at around 10 and then at 3 I went to my grandparents with my parents. Everyone else got to do whatever they wanted which really peeved me. Although at first I was annoyed having Kelly and Andy my cousins who are actually around my age helped. So first we went and threw rocks at this hornets nest but we didn't manage to knock it down and then we went out in the golf cart and I drove the whole time. Then we ate dinner and watched Final Destination 2. Then we went out in the boat for like 10 minutes and Andy decided it too much work so we went back and instead took out the canoe. I steered at the front and Kelly paddled back. About halfway through Andy started getting restless so he plucked a lily pad and smacked Kelly with it and then she tried to splash him with her oar but mostly got me. So while I sat at front and tried to paddle around they went at it and then since I wasn't involved Andy lifted up the back of my shirt and smeared the lily pad slime all over me and then in my hair. So then Kelly and I attacked him and I got him soaked with my oar. It was a lot of fun and now I'm really tired so I'm hoping I can ot for an early night although I wanted to get my shower before bed I know it'll just wake me up so I'm going to go to sleep now.
Well today I went to sleep around 5 am and woke up at around 10 and then at 3 I went to my grandparents with my parents. Everyone else got to do whatever they wanted which really peeved me. Although at first I was annoyed having Kelly and Andy my cousins who are actually around my age helped. So first we went and threw rocks at this hornets nest but we didn't manage to knock it down and then we went out in the golf cart and I drove the whole time. Then we ate dinner and watched Final Destination 2. Then we went out in the boat for like 10 minutes and Andy decided it too much work so we went back and instead took out the canoe. I steered at the front and Kelly paddled back. About halfway through Andy started getting restless so he plucked a lily pad and smacked Kelly with it and then she tried to splash him with her oar but mostly got me. So while I sat at front and tried to paddle around they went at it and then since I wasn't involved Andy lifted up the back of my shirt and smeared the lily pad slime all over me and then in my hair. So then Kelly and I attacked him and I got him soaked with my oar. It was a lot of fun and now I'm really tired so I'm hoping I can ot for an early night although I wanted to get my shower before bed I know it'll just wake me up so I'm going to go to sleep now.
Mandy ~ 10:20 PM
As I try... Quietly I Cry
The last few times I read Mike's entries they've made me cry. Never did I ever want to hurt anyone and especially not as badly as I did to him. It seems I could only come on today now and I must force myself to keep my sobs of pain quiet so I don't get in trouble. I hope this doesn't offend you Mike but I'm going to copy some of what you wrote... i like amanda as i've said before. i don't think that's ever gonna change. i think she may want to back off from me. so that we become less attracted towards eachother and there is less pain. sometimes, i think about what if we did just go out. When he wrote that... it's like he's asking me to lead him on and cause him even more pain and as I write this I know tomorrow when he gets the time he'll read this. I can't keep it to myself... my feelings are being stressed and the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone and what will I do by just flirting with him like before... leading him on and he's practically asking for me to hurt him even more than he is right now.
everytime she comes online i feel just a bit better and then she leaves and i feel.....yeah. i sound like im a stalker. obssesed with amanda. maybe it's because i get attached sometimes. especially with her i got attached. attracted to her in every way. we're so similar. ... i know she likes me. i know she hates this. we both hate this. she doesn't want to hurt anyone. He's right, he knows how I feel about everything because we've talked about it so much. It feels great to know someone I like likes me so much and then it makes me feel horrible to know a guy is being put through hell in Iraq and who does he look forward to seeing and being with when he comes home... me. I like them both and I'm torn and I just want to please them both so what do I do?
Do I continue this fantasy with Mike until Adam comes home and then painfully rip it away from him and run to Adam who won't know he's secretly comforting me because of it? I know that if I let this continue I will get more attached to Mike and it will get worse and cause more pain if I end it later. Or should I deny Mike and let us be lonely although we crave each others attention... but I know in the long run it would have been better to end it soon than let it drag out and painfully die like a trapped animal in it's suffering torment. Be happy for a little while longer and then have to suffer more at the end... is that what I really want? I'm trying to push Mike away and save his and my feelings (exactly like the first part of his blogger that I copied). He is so much like me and that probably means he will suffer just as much or maybe more. amanda never said, it would never happen. she said, that it would be better not to happen. i know then, that however alike we are, and however much she likes me and i like her, a man she has seen only a couple of times has her heart in his grasp. he better not fuck it up. because if he decides to squeeze the heart he holds, not only i will be angry. i am not the only one who cares for her. i wish that someday, things will look up for me, and this will all work out. and i hope, that my feelings do not fall on deaf ears.
And that right there is why I can't understand if I'm doing the wrong thing... I know he'll forgive me if I do, somehow he'll give me that second chance... I think. u may think that your not an award......i do. only very rarely do u come along someone, who is like you. i must go to sleep now, but please do not forget me. do not forget what i feel. do not ignore me. do not change the way you talk to me because it's "awkward". treat me as u did before. talk with me as we did before. and then maybe, i can have that feeling again. of actually being wanted. Remembering how frusterated I got when he referred to me as an award but it seems like the way he explained it excused that. I never wanted to be an award to any man... a trophie of sorts because I can't be owned and the way he said it was that made me feel that I couldn't be owned but had to let a man love me to "own" me. Then his wish for me to treat him the same... why is it that they always want you more even though in the end they know you'll cause them pain? That no matter the cost it seems worth it to risk it all even if they don't "win". To him it seems like he'll risk it all just for a little more time and how can I deny him that? Especially when my own heart tells me to let him love me because I need to be loved for it's been so long since I've enjoyed that mutual love... Mike how will I ever let down this guard to protect not only my feelings but yours?
The last few times I read Mike's entries they've made me cry. Never did I ever want to hurt anyone and especially not as badly as I did to him. It seems I could only come on today now and I must force myself to keep my sobs of pain quiet so I don't get in trouble. I hope this doesn't offend you Mike but I'm going to copy some of what you wrote... i like amanda as i've said before. i don't think that's ever gonna change. i think she may want to back off from me. so that we become less attracted towards eachother and there is less pain. sometimes, i think about what if we did just go out. When he wrote that... it's like he's asking me to lead him on and cause him even more pain and as I write this I know tomorrow when he gets the time he'll read this. I can't keep it to myself... my feelings are being stressed and the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone and what will I do by just flirting with him like before... leading him on and he's practically asking for me to hurt him even more than he is right now.
everytime she comes online i feel just a bit better and then she leaves and i feel.....yeah. i sound like im a stalker. obssesed with amanda. maybe it's because i get attached sometimes. especially with her i got attached. attracted to her in every way. we're so similar. ... i know she likes me. i know she hates this. we both hate this. she doesn't want to hurt anyone. He's right, he knows how I feel about everything because we've talked about it so much. It feels great to know someone I like likes me so much and then it makes me feel horrible to know a guy is being put through hell in Iraq and who does he look forward to seeing and being with when he comes home... me. I like them both and I'm torn and I just want to please them both so what do I do?
Do I continue this fantasy with Mike until Adam comes home and then painfully rip it away from him and run to Adam who won't know he's secretly comforting me because of it? I know that if I let this continue I will get more attached to Mike and it will get worse and cause more pain if I end it later. Or should I deny Mike and let us be lonely although we crave each others attention... but I know in the long run it would have been better to end it soon than let it drag out and painfully die like a trapped animal in it's suffering torment. Be happy for a little while longer and then have to suffer more at the end... is that what I really want? I'm trying to push Mike away and save his and my feelings (exactly like the first part of his blogger that I copied). He is so much like me and that probably means he will suffer just as much or maybe more. amanda never said, it would never happen. she said, that it would be better not to happen. i know then, that however alike we are, and however much she likes me and i like her, a man she has seen only a couple of times has her heart in his grasp. he better not fuck it up. because if he decides to squeeze the heart he holds, not only i will be angry. i am not the only one who cares for her. i wish that someday, things will look up for me, and this will all work out. and i hope, that my feelings do not fall on deaf ears.
And that right there is why I can't understand if I'm doing the wrong thing... I know he'll forgive me if I do, somehow he'll give me that second chance... I think. u may think that your not an award......i do. only very rarely do u come along someone, who is like you. i must go to sleep now, but please do not forget me. do not forget what i feel. do not ignore me. do not change the way you talk to me because it's "awkward". treat me as u did before. talk with me as we did before. and then maybe, i can have that feeling again. of actually being wanted. Remembering how frusterated I got when he referred to me as an award but it seems like the way he explained it excused that. I never wanted to be an award to any man... a trophie of sorts because I can't be owned and the way he said it was that made me feel that I couldn't be owned but had to let a man love me to "own" me. Then his wish for me to treat him the same... why is it that they always want you more even though in the end they know you'll cause them pain? That no matter the cost it seems worth it to risk it all even if they don't "win". To him it seems like he'll risk it all just for a little more time and how can I deny him that? Especially when my own heart tells me to let him love me because I need to be loved for it's been so long since I've enjoyed that mutual love... Mike how will I ever let down this guard to protect not only my feelings but yours?
Mandy ~ 2:18 AM
Sunday, August 03, 2003
Nothing is Certain
That's life for you. I think I've decided I don't want a boyfriend. I've decided I want to be a hermit and that everyone will just leave me alone. That's the thing though because I can't just try to avoid life and everyone in it. If I don't choose between Mike and Adam they'll both get mad because it seems like I toyed with them. In a way I did because I never knew what I wanted. That was the last thing I ever wanted to do though was hurt Mike or Adam and it seems like I've gotten myself too involved not to do that. Life is involved and no matter what I do I can't help but get involved with something or someone.
Last night I was trying to escape my life and everything in it that worried me that I just clung to Mike. I want to feel loved and I'm always home and I always get ignored here. Being with Mike actually made me feel wanted. I'm sorry Mike about everything. I just wanted to make everyone happy and by doing so I just make the situation worse. It was so nice to hang out with everyone last night. I actually felt horrible about going off with Jason and leaving my company. While I was gone Katie Barbian left and I felt so horrible... I think I should write her an apology e-mail. Then there's Mike and my mom told me he was actually going to go looking for me but for some reason decided he wouldn't. I felt bad and mentioned in between topics to Jason that we might be missed at the party and he just said 'I won't be missed' and that made me feel so horrible how he feels so unwanted. *sigh*
That's life for you. I think I've decided I don't want a boyfriend. I've decided I want to be a hermit and that everyone will just leave me alone. That's the thing though because I can't just try to avoid life and everyone in it. If I don't choose between Mike and Adam they'll both get mad because it seems like I toyed with them. In a way I did because I never knew what I wanted. That was the last thing I ever wanted to do though was hurt Mike or Adam and it seems like I've gotten myself too involved not to do that. Life is involved and no matter what I do I can't help but get involved with something or someone.
Last night I was trying to escape my life and everything in it that worried me that I just clung to Mike. I want to feel loved and I'm always home and I always get ignored here. Being with Mike actually made me feel wanted. I'm sorry Mike about everything. I just wanted to make everyone happy and by doing so I just make the situation worse. It was so nice to hang out with everyone last night. I actually felt horrible about going off with Jason and leaving my company. While I was gone Katie Barbian left and I felt so horrible... I think I should write her an apology e-mail. Then there's Mike and my mom told me he was actually going to go looking for me but for some reason decided he wouldn't. I felt bad and mentioned in between topics to Jason that we might be missed at the party and he just said 'I won't be missed' and that made me feel so horrible how he feels so unwanted. *sigh*
Mandy ~ 5:36 PM
Two Parties, One Night
Well first I went to Jeff's graduation/leaving for the service party and then I went to Sarah's (sister) party which was here, at home. Well I went to Jeff's party with the whole family except Ben and we stayed there from 3-5:30. Then Sarah took me home and I invited Katie Barbian(who I saw at the party), Emily Evenson, and Mike Hill to come to Sarah's party. Well all of Jeff's friends showed up at 8 although they weren't supposed to come until 8:30. That was a problem because Sarah took a nap and Mike called me when his parents left so I could pick him up. Sarah told me to wake her up at 7 and I tried about 10 times and finally got her up at 8 when I told her people were already coming.
Then my dad took me to get Mike and Mike and I walked around until Emily and Katie came and then we all hung out. Mike and I got pretty cozy quick and suprisingly my parents didn't say anything when they saw me hanging on Mike. They reserved their comments for after "Adam's going to feel really great if you tell him you're going out with Mike, he doesn't need anymore bad news" from my mom and my dad didn't really say anything, to my face because he always reserves his comments until the end of the relationship proves them right. I layed with Mike during the fireworks, on the couch, and we were almost together all night except for when I went off with Jason down on the dock.
I talked with Jason just about life and religion and other things. It's weird because Jason and I have the same reason for not believing in God. I won't get into my disbelief in religion because people judge me on what I say; especially if they're religious and then they try to force believing upon me. Let's just say I do what I want and it takes a lot of forcing to get me to do something I'm against and come to think of it I can't ever think of a time when someone did force me to do something. My problem is there aren't a whole lot of things I'm against and I should really be less open to things. Yes, this sounds stupid but my willingness to try new things often gets me in trouble or into a situation I can't handle nor one I want to be in.
Like this whole thing with Mike and Adam... tonight Kate kept mouthing the words 'go out with him'(pertaining to Mike) and I didn't feel like it was right. Then Kate said we were going to play truth or dare and it was just Emily, Mike, Jeff, Kate, and me in the living room and by this time everyone had left including Sarah and Ben. I said truth and Kate dared me to kiss Mike and I shook my head because I didn't want to have to tell Adam I'd kissed another guy because it would kill him. Ok, I did heavily flirt with Mike all night long and it was almost like we were going out and I'm sure those who didn't know our situation probably thought we were going out, but I feel kissing a guy is passing that line between something being ok and something turning into a really tough situation.
Here it is... I do like Mike and I do like Adam. I want to cry because of what I've caused and somehow I just want to be able to escape it and let all guys think I'm unattractive and not want me. I want so badly to just not have all these confusing feelings. As much as I know saying this will bring me to step back into the past, but I want Matt back. More than anything I just want to be with him and love him and him love me. Now come the tears I supressed while flirting with Mike. I guess Mike was happy to come over tonight and be with me and I was happy but I'm so confused and I just want to take it one step at a time and it's doing anything but that. No matter if I'm taking steps backward or forwards it's not doing anything I can work with.
When I was with Matt that was all there was. It was him and me and it was simple because I only liked him and only wanted him. Whenever I saw another guy I might've been attracted to before I was with Matt during our relationship I'd compare him to Matt and how he was nothing in comparision. I loved waking up and remembering the dreams I had about him and then going to his house and spending all day with him. Nothing seems to compare to Matt and I'm trying to get something better and I just keep stepping back into the fact that it was so perfect with Matt. I'm not saying perfect in the way that it was flawless but that it was perfect for me. *sigh*
I want to love again but I don't because I fear what happened with Matt... more like what I allowed to happen because I was ignorant, and gullible. It's better for me mom? This is so confusing and nothing was easier in my life than being with Matt. Is my mom trying to show me how unfair life is by taking it into her own hands? I honestly don't know what to do about Mike and Adam and I just want to pretend nothing happened and that no guys like me and I know exactly what I want to do with my life and all I have to do is live it and choose the paths to my destiny, fate, or just to my life.
Somehow I can still smell Mike... it's a nice smell and I like being with him when my brain doesn't tell me to think of getting better than Matt or what about Adam? It tells me not to do anything with Mike because I'll regret it or that what if I do and I fall in love with him... he likes me so much, or at least he pretends to. I don't know why anyone would pretend but I wouldn't want to admit to doing that, acting because I have no idea what I want. I've always liked the ones who don't like me or I know I wouldn't have a chance with because then it's so easy to be turned down and not have to worry about situations like this.
In part of our conversation on the dock I told Jason about the Mike and Adam thing. He knows about Adam but he had no idea there was another guy. I was kind of hanging on Mike and Jason saw so I'm sure he had some questions about that and I wanted to answer them first hand because nothing is worse than finding out last minute. Like earlier, right before we left to talk on the dock he saw Ben and Melanie sitting in the same chair, flirting and he pointed at them and turned to me and said "like that, I didn't know about them until well a few minutes ago" and I didn't want to tell him that they'd been going out for at least a week now. Jason told me he had no idea what to do about my situation and I told him it was something I had to solve myself and I was just telling a friend who would listen because it seems easier to tell a friend so that someone knows.
I like Jason a lot because he's always so concerned with his friend's problems. It's weird though because we aren't friends but we kind of are? I just know that I can tell him anything and he seems to tell me a lot about what he's thinking. He hides so much and I'm sure it's very hard for him to deal with everything considering... well everything. *sigh* How to talk about things without talking about them? Maybe I'll need to take a 101 class on it "How to talk 101". Haha, I'm pretty sure I know how to talk but some things aren't supposed to be said and what I'm trying to get at is I'm not trying to keep any secrets but that I will keep all my friend's secrets. Wow, this entry is already 10 paragraphs long.
It's funny how I've been trying to be all English-correct on everything. Like in previous entries I'd always write out numbers like ten or whatever because that's the correct way but I'm lazy, hehe. I wonder if Jason considers me a friend. I like hanging out with Jason because he's himself, nothing to hide... he'll tell if you ask because as he told me he won't conceal the truth with lies although he said it a different way. There's something undeniably genuine about Jason and I always want him now when I want to talk to someone. I want to somehow contact Jason whenever I really need to talk to someone because he's so good at handling situations... no let me take that back, he's good at handling my situations, haha. He's always fun to be around too because we always play around like play fighting and just I don't know... he's the kind of person that has this magnatism that makes you always want to be their friend... I've never met anyone like him, and somehow I feel that I will never meet another person like him. What Jason pocesses is rare and I'm amazed and happy for Sarah for bringing him into my life. He's genuine everything, 100% real and that is him.
Well first I went to Jeff's graduation/leaving for the service party and then I went to Sarah's (sister) party which was here, at home. Well I went to Jeff's party with the whole family except Ben and we stayed there from 3-5:30. Then Sarah took me home and I invited Katie Barbian(who I saw at the party), Emily Evenson, and Mike Hill to come to Sarah's party. Well all of Jeff's friends showed up at 8 although they weren't supposed to come until 8:30. That was a problem because Sarah took a nap and Mike called me when his parents left so I could pick him up. Sarah told me to wake her up at 7 and I tried about 10 times and finally got her up at 8 when I told her people were already coming.
Then my dad took me to get Mike and Mike and I walked around until Emily and Katie came and then we all hung out. Mike and I got pretty cozy quick and suprisingly my parents didn't say anything when they saw me hanging on Mike. They reserved their comments for after "Adam's going to feel really great if you tell him you're going out with Mike, he doesn't need anymore bad news" from my mom and my dad didn't really say anything, to my face because he always reserves his comments until the end of the relationship proves them right. I layed with Mike during the fireworks, on the couch, and we were almost together all night except for when I went off with Jason down on the dock.
I talked with Jason just about life and religion and other things. It's weird because Jason and I have the same reason for not believing in God. I won't get into my disbelief in religion because people judge me on what I say; especially if they're religious and then they try to force believing upon me. Let's just say I do what I want and it takes a lot of forcing to get me to do something I'm against and come to think of it I can't ever think of a time when someone did force me to do something. My problem is there aren't a whole lot of things I'm against and I should really be less open to things. Yes, this sounds stupid but my willingness to try new things often gets me in trouble or into a situation I can't handle nor one I want to be in.
Like this whole thing with Mike and Adam... tonight Kate kept mouthing the words 'go out with him'(pertaining to Mike) and I didn't feel like it was right. Then Kate said we were going to play truth or dare and it was just Emily, Mike, Jeff, Kate, and me in the living room and by this time everyone had left including Sarah and Ben. I said truth and Kate dared me to kiss Mike and I shook my head because I didn't want to have to tell Adam I'd kissed another guy because it would kill him. Ok, I did heavily flirt with Mike all night long and it was almost like we were going out and I'm sure those who didn't know our situation probably thought we were going out, but I feel kissing a guy is passing that line between something being ok and something turning into a really tough situation.
Here it is... I do like Mike and I do like Adam. I want to cry because of what I've caused and somehow I just want to be able to escape it and let all guys think I'm unattractive and not want me. I want so badly to just not have all these confusing feelings. As much as I know saying this will bring me to step back into the past, but I want Matt back. More than anything I just want to be with him and love him and him love me. Now come the tears I supressed while flirting with Mike. I guess Mike was happy to come over tonight and be with me and I was happy but I'm so confused and I just want to take it one step at a time and it's doing anything but that. No matter if I'm taking steps backward or forwards it's not doing anything I can work with.
When I was with Matt that was all there was. It was him and me and it was simple because I only liked him and only wanted him. Whenever I saw another guy I might've been attracted to before I was with Matt during our relationship I'd compare him to Matt and how he was nothing in comparision. I loved waking up and remembering the dreams I had about him and then going to his house and spending all day with him. Nothing seems to compare to Matt and I'm trying to get something better and I just keep stepping back into the fact that it was so perfect with Matt. I'm not saying perfect in the way that it was flawless but that it was perfect for me. *sigh*
I want to love again but I don't because I fear what happened with Matt... more like what I allowed to happen because I was ignorant, and gullible. It's better for me mom? This is so confusing and nothing was easier in my life than being with Matt. Is my mom trying to show me how unfair life is by taking it into her own hands? I honestly don't know what to do about Mike and Adam and I just want to pretend nothing happened and that no guys like me and I know exactly what I want to do with my life and all I have to do is live it and choose the paths to my destiny, fate, or just to my life.
Somehow I can still smell Mike... it's a nice smell and I like being with him when my brain doesn't tell me to think of getting better than Matt or what about Adam? It tells me not to do anything with Mike because I'll regret it or that what if I do and I fall in love with him... he likes me so much, or at least he pretends to. I don't know why anyone would pretend but I wouldn't want to admit to doing that, acting because I have no idea what I want. I've always liked the ones who don't like me or I know I wouldn't have a chance with because then it's so easy to be turned down and not have to worry about situations like this.
In part of our conversation on the dock I told Jason about the Mike and Adam thing. He knows about Adam but he had no idea there was another guy. I was kind of hanging on Mike and Jason saw so I'm sure he had some questions about that and I wanted to answer them first hand because nothing is worse than finding out last minute. Like earlier, right before we left to talk on the dock he saw Ben and Melanie sitting in the same chair, flirting and he pointed at them and turned to me and said "like that, I didn't know about them until well a few minutes ago" and I didn't want to tell him that they'd been going out for at least a week now. Jason told me he had no idea what to do about my situation and I told him it was something I had to solve myself and I was just telling a friend who would listen because it seems easier to tell a friend so that someone knows.
I like Jason a lot because he's always so concerned with his friend's problems. It's weird though because we aren't friends but we kind of are? I just know that I can tell him anything and he seems to tell me a lot about what he's thinking. He hides so much and I'm sure it's very hard for him to deal with everything considering... well everything. *sigh* How to talk about things without talking about them? Maybe I'll need to take a 101 class on it "How to talk 101". Haha, I'm pretty sure I know how to talk but some things aren't supposed to be said and what I'm trying to get at is I'm not trying to keep any secrets but that I will keep all my friend's secrets. Wow, this entry is already 10 paragraphs long.
It's funny how I've been trying to be all English-correct on everything. Like in previous entries I'd always write out numbers like ten or whatever because that's the correct way but I'm lazy, hehe. I wonder if Jason considers me a friend. I like hanging out with Jason because he's himself, nothing to hide... he'll tell if you ask because as he told me he won't conceal the truth with lies although he said it a different way. There's something undeniably genuine about Jason and I always want him now when I want to talk to someone. I want to somehow contact Jason whenever I really need to talk to someone because he's so good at handling situations... no let me take that back, he's good at handling my situations, haha. He's always fun to be around too because we always play around like play fighting and just I don't know... he's the kind of person that has this magnatism that makes you always want to be their friend... I've never met anyone like him, and somehow I feel that I will never meet another person like him. What Jason pocesses is rare and I'm amazed and happy for Sarah for bringing him into my life. He's genuine everything, 100% real and that is him.
Mandy ~ 3:57 AM
Friday, August 01, 2003
Another Month
Well that just means another day closer until school starts. I don't want to go back to school... where the other students judge you on appearance, gossip if they think you're "below" them, and where there's a set schedule, waking up early, deadlines for everything, tons of homework, actually having to pay attention, putting forth an actual effort... ok I'm definitely not looking forward to that. I could definitely slack off my entire life, sit back, read, and sleep, never seeing friends doesn't effect me that much, and when I get bored it doesn't "kill" me like it does others. First of all I'm a Libra and for anyone who's into astrology that basically means i'm undecisive, lazy, and I have this great tendancy to procrastinate and always wait until the last possible second. That is I'm that way when I do things I don't like but if it's art man I'm dedicated, I'll start a drawing and I can glue myself to it for hours and make sure every detail is there, perfect to me. Although I hate art class because sure, I can get something done in a day (given 6 hours) but I can't be expected to walk in there and for less than an hour and a half get lost in my work and get anywhere. It's like when I have deadlines I suck at making them and when I don't I get it done even faster.
Well enough about that because it upsets me how I am. That's one of the things I'd really like to change about myself is my tendancy to be who I am. Well Ben just informed me I have five minutes to get my ass of the computer. I hate how he can make demands like that and I have to follow them because he's older and he can beat me up. So I still haven't heard from Adam and that makes it 17 days. I talked to Mike last night... I feel so close to him because we're so similiar we relate to each other so well. Compatible might be the word others use... I don't know what to do with this situation because here I have two great guys... Mike is so like me so I can relate so well (as I just said) and Adam is almost nothing like me but I find that exciting because he's this mystery I want to solve although I'm sure he wouldn't let me get too close because he doesn't want to be tied down. Yet somehow I think Adam's more mature because he's older and is that always the case? Now with Mike I can see me having a long relationship and somehow I see that in Adam but I know it's just a fantasy with him... I always go for the bad boys and want to make them love me because then I feel like it means something because they don't give their heart away to any girl. Another reason I think I go for the bad boys is that I feel I can have a fantasy for a while and then they're gone because I won't have to commit and then maybe have to suffer through the pain that goes with it. I want to be in love and yet I want to be safe and somehow when I fall in love I feel safe but then when it's gone I'm crushed and I was never safe all along. Well I'm getting kicked off but this now concludes Mandy's life story...
*And then he says he's going to bed when he just ordered me off the computer for his own use of it*... *she wonders* Oh well, that just means I have more time to write about crap on my mind. Hmmm, when I have a time limit suddenly I have something to write about but when I have all the time in the world nothing comes to mind. Well I'll write that I talked with Jason last night for a few hours on msn. I always enjoy talking to him because no matter what mood he's in he always makes me laugh and we talk about interesting topics. I'm sure I probably already said this but Jason is so nice, caring, polite, considerate, funny, and selfless. He amazes me because I've never met anyone anything like him... the funny thing is he treats me as an equal although he's 23 and I'm only 16. I have this secret wish that Sarah really likes Jason and she's just waiting for the oppurtune time to announce it but I guess I'm just weird that way. It's just that Jason's such a great guy and Sarah needs someone like him but she doesn't like him like that. *sigh* Life is too complicated and if anyone gets a clue please tell me.
Well that just means another day closer until school starts. I don't want to go back to school... where the other students judge you on appearance, gossip if they think you're "below" them, and where there's a set schedule, waking up early, deadlines for everything, tons of homework, actually having to pay attention, putting forth an actual effort... ok I'm definitely not looking forward to that. I could definitely slack off my entire life, sit back, read, and sleep, never seeing friends doesn't effect me that much, and when I get bored it doesn't "kill" me like it does others. First of all I'm a Libra and for anyone who's into astrology that basically means i'm undecisive, lazy, and I have this great tendancy to procrastinate and always wait until the last possible second. That is I'm that way when I do things I don't like but if it's art man I'm dedicated, I'll start a drawing and I can glue myself to it for hours and make sure every detail is there, perfect to me. Although I hate art class because sure, I can get something done in a day (given 6 hours) but I can't be expected to walk in there and for less than an hour and a half get lost in my work and get anywhere. It's like when I have deadlines I suck at making them and when I don't I get it done even faster.
Well enough about that because it upsets me how I am. That's one of the things I'd really like to change about myself is my tendancy to be who I am. Well Ben just informed me I have five minutes to get my ass of the computer. I hate how he can make demands like that and I have to follow them because he's older and he can beat me up. So I still haven't heard from Adam and that makes it 17 days. I talked to Mike last night... I feel so close to him because we're so similiar we relate to each other so well. Compatible might be the word others use... I don't know what to do with this situation because here I have two great guys... Mike is so like me so I can relate so well (as I just said) and Adam is almost nothing like me but I find that exciting because he's this mystery I want to solve although I'm sure he wouldn't let me get too close because he doesn't want to be tied down. Yet somehow I think Adam's more mature because he's older and is that always the case? Now with Mike I can see me having a long relationship and somehow I see that in Adam but I know it's just a fantasy with him... I always go for the bad boys and want to make them love me because then I feel like it means something because they don't give their heart away to any girl. Another reason I think I go for the bad boys is that I feel I can have a fantasy for a while and then they're gone because I won't have to commit and then maybe have to suffer through the pain that goes with it. I want to be in love and yet I want to be safe and somehow when I fall in love I feel safe but then when it's gone I'm crushed and I was never safe all along. Well I'm getting kicked off but this now concludes Mandy's life story...
*And then he says he's going to bed when he just ordered me off the computer for his own use of it*... *she wonders* Oh well, that just means I have more time to write about crap on my mind. Hmmm, when I have a time limit suddenly I have something to write about but when I have all the time in the world nothing comes to mind. Well I'll write that I talked with Jason last night for a few hours on msn. I always enjoy talking to him because no matter what mood he's in he always makes me laugh and we talk about interesting topics. I'm sure I probably already said this but Jason is so nice, caring, polite, considerate, funny, and selfless. He amazes me because I've never met anyone anything like him... the funny thing is he treats me as an equal although he's 23 and I'm only 16. I have this secret wish that Sarah really likes Jason and she's just waiting for the oppurtune time to announce it but I guess I'm just weird that way. It's just that Jason's such a great guy and Sarah needs someone like him but she doesn't like him like that. *sigh* Life is too complicated and if anyone gets a clue please tell me.
Mandy ~ 2:59 PM