Who I Am
These are my true thoughts...
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08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003
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Favorite Websites
albinoblacksheep.com
www.myspace.com
www.ebaumsworld.com
Credits of the Creator
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Tuesday, September 30, 2003
Beyond Recognition, More Than Composition
That title was and is very irrelevant but it is 12:30 and I'm very tired and I still haven't taken my shower. I took 22 pages of notes and I still have 6 Alg 2 assignments to finish and I know I won't. What pisses me off about that is I have no friends in that class and since everyone else is friends with each other they do every other assignment and give each other the answers even on the tests the whole class except a handful of people cheat, and I'm one of them. So I'm really looking forward to Zack's party on Saturday... only 4 more days of school until then.
Earlier tonight Vix asked me to her old school's homecoming. I don't get it... I don't want to be mean and tell her I don't want to go but it isn't my place to be, at a different school with no one I know. Another thing... that's pretty much the situation Vix is in except she knows some people from before she moved but she has to live here and I can only imagine how hard that must be for her since she was gone for two years. It's just that if I went to a dance and I liked a guy or was with a guy I'd want to go with him and not being able to do that was partially the reason I didn't go to my school's homecoming and I know there's no way Zack can go to the Homecoming in Michigan.
I feel so horrible because all I really want to do is hang out with Zack as of lately and all I seem to be doing is homework and that. All of my close friends know how attached I'm getting to Zack after only 1.5 months of this "friendship". I don't know what to call Zack in relation to myself because we aren't going out and of course that doesn't make everything even that much more complicated *sarcasm* So I'm hoping that soon we can agree on something because for one we don't talk a lot anyway we just write e-mails back and forth; about 2 a day. Once in a while we'll call each other but my mom's catching on and she doesn't want me going out with him or even just getting my hopes up because he is 3 years younger than me.
Another thing that I've probably made a reference to before is the fact that he's 3 years younger and so much more mature than the majority of guys I know who are my age. I really like Zack and he tells me the same thing so I'm glad it's mutual or that I think it's mutual. Well I'm being extremely paranoid so I'm going to leave before I start writing any more of my paranoid thoughts because I have quite a few.
That title was and is very irrelevant but it is 12:30 and I'm very tired and I still haven't taken my shower. I took 22 pages of notes and I still have 6 Alg 2 assignments to finish and I know I won't. What pisses me off about that is I have no friends in that class and since everyone else is friends with each other they do every other assignment and give each other the answers even on the tests the whole class except a handful of people cheat, and I'm one of them. So I'm really looking forward to Zack's party on Saturday... only 4 more days of school until then.
Earlier tonight Vix asked me to her old school's homecoming. I don't get it... I don't want to be mean and tell her I don't want to go but it isn't my place to be, at a different school with no one I know. Another thing... that's pretty much the situation Vix is in except she knows some people from before she moved but she has to live here and I can only imagine how hard that must be for her since she was gone for two years. It's just that if I went to a dance and I liked a guy or was with a guy I'd want to go with him and not being able to do that was partially the reason I didn't go to my school's homecoming and I know there's no way Zack can go to the Homecoming in Michigan.
I feel so horrible because all I really want to do is hang out with Zack as of lately and all I seem to be doing is homework and that. All of my close friends know how attached I'm getting to Zack after only 1.5 months of this "friendship". I don't know what to call Zack in relation to myself because we aren't going out and of course that doesn't make everything even that much more complicated *sarcasm* So I'm hoping that soon we can agree on something because for one we don't talk a lot anyway we just write e-mails back and forth; about 2 a day. Once in a while we'll call each other but my mom's catching on and she doesn't want me going out with him or even just getting my hopes up because he is 3 years younger than me.
Another thing that I've probably made a reference to before is the fact that he's 3 years younger and so much more mature than the majority of guys I know who are my age. I really like Zack and he tells me the same thing so I'm glad it's mutual or that I think it's mutual. Well I'm being extremely paranoid so I'm going to leave before I start writing any more of my paranoid thoughts because I have quite a few.
Mandy ~ 12:42 AM
Sunday, September 28, 2003
Rebellion
Well in the previous blog I wrote about how much I like Zack and all so that might explain why I'm going to do what I'm planning on doing next Saturday. What am I talking about you ask? Well last night Zack asked me previously (like a week in advance) to go the movies for the night of Homecoming (last night, since we couldn't go because he's only in 8th grade). So I was asking my mom all week so I could give her notice and the night of she denied me and I was upset because I was really looking forward to going. So last night all of my friends went and had a great time at Homecoming while I stayed home alone and fell asleep on the couch.
So now I shall explain what happened before I fell asleep. First Ben and Melissa came home from horseback riding and so you know Melissa is a friend of Bens. The last half hour she was here I had her complete undivided attention because we talked about horses and she ended up telling me that whenever I wanted I could come out and ride her horse, Stormy, which really made me happy. I'd say that was the highlight of my night. After that it pretty much went downhill...
I think what was written to Jasmine in an earlier conversation over msn should pretty much cover it so here goes:
~Mandy~ says:
i'm the only one of the 4 children that gets dictated
~Mandy~ says:
and i find it unfair
~Mandy~ says:
omg, like last night i was the only one home for like the billionth time and i cornered my dad and told him that and he just looked at me straight in the eye and agreed and then walked off like it was nothing
~Mandy~ says:
i was so pissed because they realize that
~Mandy~ says:
i said something about how all of the kids are putting them (my parents) into an early grave because my dad was complaining about how he was dying or whatever
~Mandy~ says:
and i looked at him and i said "well all of the kids except for me because i never do anything because i'm not allowed to even though a younger more brazen sister can do more when you know she's done a lot worse than me."
~Mandy~ says:
and he looked at me and nodded and told me i was right and i just about died because he always comes up with some witty excuse
~Mandy~ says:
so he was really egging me on and then i came downstairs and zack called and my mom started talking to him and 5 minutes later she called for me and i asked her what took her so long and she said she was talking to zack and i just about wrung her neck
~Mandy~ says:
and she looked like she was innocent, doing nothing, just talking to one of her friends
I really don't mind what happens now and then, As long as you'll be my friend in the end says says:
that is really strange, how come they give everyone else so much freedom and yet you hardly get any?
~Mandy~ says:
idk
~Mandy~ says:
but i just want to cry
~Mandy~ says:
i'm so sick of this
~Mandy~ says:
i have no life
I really don't mind what happens now and then, As long as you'll be my friend in the end says says:
well did you talk to both your parents and explain to them that you feel this way?
~Mandy~ says:
and when i'm stuck home every night they ask me why i have no friends, how can they when they don't even realize they're the reason i have none
~Mandy~ says:
because i've tried but all i do is get really frusterated because they say some stupid something or other and pin it all on me
I really don't mind what happens now and then, As long as you'll be my friend in the end says says:
well would they have let u go to homecoming?
~Mandy~ says:
seriously i think my statistics for actually doing something are once every month
~Mandy~ says:
no, because i asked to go with zack
~Mandy~ says:
and they denied me
~Mandy~ says:
and then later like a few days before my mom asked me why i wasn't going
~Mandy~ says:
and i told her she said i couldn't
~Mandy~ says:
and then she was like 'don't pin this on me'
~Mandy~ says:
and like 'my doctor says i can't have any stress so don't give me any'
So then she uses her pity thing on me... psh.
I really don't mind what happens now and then, As long as you'll be my friend in the end says says:
well maybe your parents dont like the fact that your a junior and zack's an eighth grader
I really don't mind what happens now and then, As long as you'll be my friend in the end says says:
but then again jeff was a senior and kate was a freshman
~Mandy~ says:
same age difference
I really don't mind what happens now and then, As long as you'll be my friend in the end says says:
well my last theory is they see you do something with your life more than any other sibling, you have the most ambition and they dont want you to screw up now (not saying that you would or anything) but they dont want you to ruin your future therefore they are over protective
~Mandy~ says:
i've done nothing to deserve this, actually i'm the least of the 4 that deserves any punishment because i've always done what they wanted me to do, i've never rebelled like kate, sarah, or ben, sarah went off whenever she wanted and lost her virginity to tim when she was 17, ben's always went off and i'm sure he isn't a virgin either and he probably lost it even before sarah, and kate
~Mandy~ says:
and well you know about what she does already
So that pretty much explains how I feel since I completely went off and bitched to poor Jasmine about it. I even apologized after for throwing that all on her and the same with Emily because I told that too. Well that's pretty much the jist of it. So I'm sure by now you're getting bored and wondering how I'm going to rebel. I'm building up some drama, jk. I'm just laying down a foundation by giving some background to explain for me why I'm so mad. So as my name said I clean when I'm upset; well I cleaned for 4 straight hours and then there was nothing left to clean so I had to stop. I cleaned the whole house.
Well Saturday Zack is having a party and he asked me to come. Coincidentally my parents will both be gone for a business meeting of my dads that same weekend. So Zack's dad is going to come and pick me up and take me home just so I can go to his party. Actually his dad was talking to Zack about me and how I'm so cute, and how good we look together, and that Zack should have this party to invite me. His mom is the opposite; she's really weary of my intentions with Zack... haha, what intentions? That I might possibly kiss him? I'm so shy when it comes to that stuff. So I've explained myself now and am going to go.
Well in the previous blog I wrote about how much I like Zack and all so that might explain why I'm going to do what I'm planning on doing next Saturday. What am I talking about you ask? Well last night Zack asked me previously (like a week in advance) to go the movies for the night of Homecoming (last night, since we couldn't go because he's only in 8th grade). So I was asking my mom all week so I could give her notice and the night of she denied me and I was upset because I was really looking forward to going. So last night all of my friends went and had a great time at Homecoming while I stayed home alone and fell asleep on the couch.
So now I shall explain what happened before I fell asleep. First Ben and Melissa came home from horseback riding and so you know Melissa is a friend of Bens. The last half hour she was here I had her complete undivided attention because we talked about horses and she ended up telling me that whenever I wanted I could come out and ride her horse, Stormy, which really made me happy. I'd say that was the highlight of my night. After that it pretty much went downhill...
I think what was written to Jasmine in an earlier conversation over msn should pretty much cover it so here goes:
~Mandy~ says:
i'm the only one of the 4 children that gets dictated
~Mandy~ says:
and i find it unfair
~Mandy~ says:
omg, like last night i was the only one home for like the billionth time and i cornered my dad and told him that and he just looked at me straight in the eye and agreed and then walked off like it was nothing
~Mandy~ says:
i was so pissed because they realize that
~Mandy~ says:
i said something about how all of the kids are putting them (my parents) into an early grave because my dad was complaining about how he was dying or whatever
~Mandy~ says:
and i looked at him and i said "well all of the kids except for me because i never do anything because i'm not allowed to even though a younger more brazen sister can do more when you know she's done a lot worse than me."
~Mandy~ says:
and he looked at me and nodded and told me i was right and i just about died because he always comes up with some witty excuse
~Mandy~ says:
so he was really egging me on and then i came downstairs and zack called and my mom started talking to him and 5 minutes later she called for me and i asked her what took her so long and she said she was talking to zack and i just about wrung her neck
~Mandy~ says:
and she looked like she was innocent, doing nothing, just talking to one of her friends
I really don't mind what happens now and then, As long as you'll be my friend in the end says says:
that is really strange, how come they give everyone else so much freedom and yet you hardly get any?
~Mandy~ says:
idk
~Mandy~ says:
but i just want to cry
~Mandy~ says:
i'm so sick of this
~Mandy~ says:
i have no life
I really don't mind what happens now and then, As long as you'll be my friend in the end says says:
well did you talk to both your parents and explain to them that you feel this way?
~Mandy~ says:
and when i'm stuck home every night they ask me why i have no friends, how can they when they don't even realize they're the reason i have none
~Mandy~ says:
because i've tried but all i do is get really frusterated because they say some stupid something or other and pin it all on me
I really don't mind what happens now and then, As long as you'll be my friend in the end says says:
well would they have let u go to homecoming?
~Mandy~ says:
seriously i think my statistics for actually doing something are once every month
~Mandy~ says:
no, because i asked to go with zack
~Mandy~ says:
and they denied me
~Mandy~ says:
and then later like a few days before my mom asked me why i wasn't going
~Mandy~ says:
and i told her she said i couldn't
~Mandy~ says:
and then she was like 'don't pin this on me'
~Mandy~ says:
and like 'my doctor says i can't have any stress so don't give me any'
So then she uses her pity thing on me... psh.
I really don't mind what happens now and then, As long as you'll be my friend in the end says says:
well maybe your parents dont like the fact that your a junior and zack's an eighth grader
I really don't mind what happens now and then, As long as you'll be my friend in the end says says:
but then again jeff was a senior and kate was a freshman
~Mandy~ says:
same age difference
I really don't mind what happens now and then, As long as you'll be my friend in the end says says:
well my last theory is they see you do something with your life more than any other sibling, you have the most ambition and they dont want you to screw up now (not saying that you would or anything) but they dont want you to ruin your future therefore they are over protective
~Mandy~ says:
i've done nothing to deserve this, actually i'm the least of the 4 that deserves any punishment because i've always done what they wanted me to do, i've never rebelled like kate, sarah, or ben, sarah went off whenever she wanted and lost her virginity to tim when she was 17, ben's always went off and i'm sure he isn't a virgin either and he probably lost it even before sarah, and kate
~Mandy~ says:
and well you know about what she does already
So that pretty much explains how I feel since I completely went off and bitched to poor Jasmine about it. I even apologized after for throwing that all on her and the same with Emily because I told that too. Well that's pretty much the jist of it. So I'm sure by now you're getting bored and wondering how I'm going to rebel. I'm building up some drama, jk. I'm just laying down a foundation by giving some background to explain for me why I'm so mad. So as my name said I clean when I'm upset; well I cleaned for 4 straight hours and then there was nothing left to clean so I had to stop. I cleaned the whole house.
Well Saturday Zack is having a party and he asked me to come. Coincidentally my parents will both be gone for a business meeting of my dads that same weekend. So Zack's dad is going to come and pick me up and take me home just so I can go to his party. Actually his dad was talking to Zack about me and how I'm so cute, and how good we look together, and that Zack should have this party to invite me. His mom is the opposite; she's really weary of my intentions with Zack... haha, what intentions? That I might possibly kiss him? I'm so shy when it comes to that stuff. So I've explained myself now and am going to go.
Mandy ~ 3:38 PM
Saturday, September 27, 2003
*Growls*
Well I wrote another poem; it's about dancing with Zack last night if you don't figure that out after you read it. Well here it is although it's not good it portrays my feelings...
Dancing
Dancing with him
Our hands apart
Hearing the words in each ear
His and the song
Blending
Like us together
Not feeling the icy wind
No rain but there is
Just numb
When that’s what there is
Nothing just us
Our feet leading
Our hands guiding
His breath
Warm on my face
Against the cold he holds me
Nestled in his arms
Dreaming with my eyes open
Slowed and yet too fast
The moment slips by
Now a memory
Vivid
For now
When later
We hope to meet again
Without knowing
Our destinies
So that's about it. I marched for Homecoming today at halftime and I didn't mess up at all even though it was cold and raining... Mrs. Strong also told me that at one point it was snowing but I'm sure I was too enveloped in the music and marching that I didn't even notice it. Zack didn't go because he had other things he had to do.
When I asked my mom to go to the movies with Zack she told me, we'll see blah blah blah. When we got home she flat out denied me which completely ruined my night. So I wrote him an e-mail and called him up and told him as well if he didn't check his e-mail but coincidentally he was checking his e-mail right when I called. My parents told me he's too young... it doesn't matter to me because he doesn't look or act that young. He's more mature than a lot of Juniors I know, which is a major rarity considering he's only 14. It's a 3 year difference, the same as Kate and Jeff but for some reason the older and more responsible sister gets shut down and why?
Simply, because they can screw me over because they do it all the time and they know if they do that to Kate she goes and screws them over. So really is being obedient worth missing out on great opportunities? Especially when I tell them everything and Kate tells them nothing. I just want to break something because I'm so sick of this; it's so unfair and there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing, since I don't have my license I can't just leave like Sarah and Ben do so I'm just stuck here fuming. They act like nothing either; so nonchalant about ruining my happiness, isn't that what matters? It's not like we were ever even doing anything besides holding hands, which definitely won't make me pregnant. I just want to be defiant and prove my point because obviously they won't take me seriously until I do. Well I'm going to go do nothing since I'll be home alone tonight.
Well I wrote another poem; it's about dancing with Zack last night if you don't figure that out after you read it. Well here it is although it's not good it portrays my feelings...
Dancing
Dancing with him
Our hands apart
Hearing the words in each ear
His and the song
Blending
Like us together
Not feeling the icy wind
No rain but there is
Just numb
When that’s what there is
Nothing just us
Our feet leading
Our hands guiding
His breath
Warm on my face
Against the cold he holds me
Nestled in his arms
Dreaming with my eyes open
Slowed and yet too fast
The moment slips by
Now a memory
Vivid
For now
When later
We hope to meet again
Without knowing
Our destinies
So that's about it. I marched for Homecoming today at halftime and I didn't mess up at all even though it was cold and raining... Mrs. Strong also told me that at one point it was snowing but I'm sure I was too enveloped in the music and marching that I didn't even notice it. Zack didn't go because he had other things he had to do.
When I asked my mom to go to the movies with Zack she told me, we'll see blah blah blah. When we got home she flat out denied me which completely ruined my night. So I wrote him an e-mail and called him up and told him as well if he didn't check his e-mail but coincidentally he was checking his e-mail right when I called. My parents told me he's too young... it doesn't matter to me because he doesn't look or act that young. He's more mature than a lot of Juniors I know, which is a major rarity considering he's only 14. It's a 3 year difference, the same as Kate and Jeff but for some reason the older and more responsible sister gets shut down and why?
Simply, because they can screw me over because they do it all the time and they know if they do that to Kate she goes and screws them over. So really is being obedient worth missing out on great opportunities? Especially when I tell them everything and Kate tells them nothing. I just want to break something because I'm so sick of this; it's so unfair and there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing, since I don't have my license I can't just leave like Sarah and Ben do so I'm just stuck here fuming. They act like nothing either; so nonchalant about ruining my happiness, isn't that what matters? It's not like we were ever even doing anything besides holding hands, which definitely won't make me pregnant. I just want to be defiant and prove my point because obviously they won't take me seriously until I do. Well I'm going to go do nothing since I'll be home alone tonight.
Mandy ~ 5:48 PM
*Dreamily Sighs*
Well about an hour ago I was at the RHS attending the end of the bonfire party and saying my goodbyes to Zack. I had such a fun night with him at the bonfire. We got there around quarter to 9 and left around 10:30 so we actually weren't there all that long but it was definitely nice while it lasted although it was so cold it started snowing to my acknowledgement. Most of the night I clung to Zack who was my human blanket of warmth. By the end of the night we got Zack to dance although he said he couldn't. He was so cute because I was laughing and he kept saying he couldn't dance and I was telling him he was so cute so he'd just smile and keep dancing. I danced as much as I could though without passing out and falling asleep because before that I was marching for 3 hours straight on the football field, which is very tiring. It wouldn't have been that bad had the weather not been cold, cloudy, and damp. This is all I can write, farewell I'm going to sleep now before I pass out like I did when I was sick Wednesday... slept for 17 hours with the exception of a one-hour break after 7 hours and then I slept for another 10.
Well about an hour ago I was at the RHS attending the end of the bonfire party and saying my goodbyes to Zack. I had such a fun night with him at the bonfire. We got there around quarter to 9 and left around 10:30 so we actually weren't there all that long but it was definitely nice while it lasted although it was so cold it started snowing to my acknowledgement. Most of the night I clung to Zack who was my human blanket of warmth. By the end of the night we got Zack to dance although he said he couldn't. He was so cute because I was laughing and he kept saying he couldn't dance and I was telling him he was so cute so he'd just smile and keep dancing. I danced as much as I could though without passing out and falling asleep because before that I was marching for 3 hours straight on the football field, which is very tiring. It wouldn't have been that bad had the weather not been cold, cloudy, and damp. This is all I can write, farewell I'm going to sleep now before I pass out like I did when I was sick Wednesday... slept for 17 hours with the exception of a one-hour break after 7 hours and then I slept for another 10.
Mandy ~ 12:00 AM
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
As It Was
Why does everything have to be so complex and always changing. I tend to find true that whenever my life is going really good it's because my life is having a pattern that's familiar. For instance when I've been going out with a guy I really like for a while, or just doing weekly things with friends... just knowing what might come next. So many of my friends are depressed and I can't do anything about it. I'm happy and then I feel guilty because I tell my friends that I'm happy and then they tell me they aren't. It's good though because they're comfortable telling me things they can trust me with it's just that... I just read Vix's blog and she just wrote all about how everyone should get a therapist or a psychiatrist and I'm thinking she's right.
My dad is so nice. I stayed home sick from school today because I have a really bad stomach ache and I keep getting sick and I don't want to go to school and get sick there. So about an hour ago he calls and asks my mom if I wanted anything for my birthday. She only told me this after he was off the phone but I would've like to have told him nothing myself and that I love him. I will see him tonight but still it's the thought that counts and I wanted him to know I appreciated him. I love my parents and whole family for that matter. Not enough kids realize how great they do have it and really appreciate everything. I know I'm not one to appreciate everything but when I'm aware I really do try to make the most of everything.
Sarah got the pictures back of Kate and she was asking me when I wanted mine taken. Sarah went through a photography class at Nicolet and she's really professional and I often show her pictures off to my friends. I was actually waiting for autumn because that's when my birthday is and to be able to have her take pictures of me in the gorgeous season but it's been getting very cold out and none of the trees are changing colors and they are predicting it to snow this upcoming Monday. So I'm pretty sure the pictures won't get taken but that's ok because I'm not very photogenic anyway. Supposedly the leaves aren't going to change colors because this past summer was too dry so now it's going from summer to winter. Why is it that the only season with two names is fall/autumn? That's always made me wonder.
This Friday is the Homecoming game and the band will be playing an arrangement from James Bond (three songs, the theme, Goldfinger, and something like From Russia With Love). It's a very good piece and somewhat challenging. I hope the band does well and shows everyone how good we are. That was what the last entry was all about, the pep talk. Zack and I are making plans to hang out on Friday at the bonfire and to do something for Saturday that I'm really looking forward to. I really like him and it amazes me how considerate he always is amongst other things. Everyone thinks we're going out but we aren't. Well I have to go because my mom is telling me to go back to sleep and get some more rest.
Why does everything have to be so complex and always changing. I tend to find true that whenever my life is going really good it's because my life is having a pattern that's familiar. For instance when I've been going out with a guy I really like for a while, or just doing weekly things with friends... just knowing what might come next. So many of my friends are depressed and I can't do anything about it. I'm happy and then I feel guilty because I tell my friends that I'm happy and then they tell me they aren't. It's good though because they're comfortable telling me things they can trust me with it's just that... I just read Vix's blog and she just wrote all about how everyone should get a therapist or a psychiatrist and I'm thinking she's right.
My dad is so nice. I stayed home sick from school today because I have a really bad stomach ache and I keep getting sick and I don't want to go to school and get sick there. So about an hour ago he calls and asks my mom if I wanted anything for my birthday. She only told me this after he was off the phone but I would've like to have told him nothing myself and that I love him. I will see him tonight but still it's the thought that counts and I wanted him to know I appreciated him. I love my parents and whole family for that matter. Not enough kids realize how great they do have it and really appreciate everything. I know I'm not one to appreciate everything but when I'm aware I really do try to make the most of everything.
Sarah got the pictures back of Kate and she was asking me when I wanted mine taken. Sarah went through a photography class at Nicolet and she's really professional and I often show her pictures off to my friends. I was actually waiting for autumn because that's when my birthday is and to be able to have her take pictures of me in the gorgeous season but it's been getting very cold out and none of the trees are changing colors and they are predicting it to snow this upcoming Monday. So I'm pretty sure the pictures won't get taken but that's ok because I'm not very photogenic anyway. Supposedly the leaves aren't going to change colors because this past summer was too dry so now it's going from summer to winter. Why is it that the only season with two names is fall/autumn? That's always made me wonder.
This Friday is the Homecoming game and the band will be playing an arrangement from James Bond (three songs, the theme, Goldfinger, and something like From Russia With Love). It's a very good piece and somewhat challenging. I hope the band does well and shows everyone how good we are. That was what the last entry was all about, the pep talk. Zack and I are making plans to hang out on Friday at the bonfire and to do something for Saturday that I'm really looking forward to. I really like him and it amazes me how considerate he always is amongst other things. Everyone thinks we're going out but we aren't. Well I have to go because my mom is telling me to go back to sleep and get some more rest.
Mandy ~ 3:32 PM
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
Once Again
I've felt bad before and now I do again. I'm tired physically and emotionally... my friends are breaking down and all this work for the homecoming show, being taken out of classes for group field rehearsals in freezing rain for 3 hours every day... it's just taking it's toll on me. Trying to keep up with all the homework when I miss so many classes for band to learn the drills for the show to show everyone that the band can and will make it...
I love band and I always will; nothing can keep me from being in it but things come with prices and I know my life is hectic chaos at the moment but the night I'm under those lights on the field in my uniform with the whole band ready to march the steps and play the memorized music, that will be my resolution. I've done it these past two years and I'm almost ready to do it a third and it is my glory. Then after that to see all the freshman and feel all that emotion and satisfaction and pride that they can take in doing something so monumental. For every individual to take satisfaction in their effort, to show everyone, to prove how good, no, how amazing our band is is well worth this mass chaos.
That was my pep talk, and please Mike or therefore any of my bandies who are feeling down read this and remember you will always have band if anything. The band is a family of which every bandie is a part of. *sigh* I just wished we could've had more of a freshman orientation to make them feel welcome since the Jameson thing kind of took priority and forced everything to be so much more complicated and as I say for the third time, chaotic. The band will recover, however bad the fall we are too strong and united to fall because of one person. Again with the pep talk, but it's how I feel and I just want to reassure everyone as well as myself.
So concluding from last nights Powder Puff game the seniors kicked ass, 28-0 and it was really boring. I did meet up with Zack and we held hands almost the whole time. It's nice to just be with someone even if you're not doing anything. After a few times I noticed that every time a guy would look at me while we were sitting or walking Zack would pull me closer and squeeze my hand tighter and look defensively at the guy looking at me as if to silently say "she's mine, stay away". It was so cute though because then I'd squeeze his hand back and look at him and we'd smile at each other. Vix commented on how quiet we were and it was like at times we were almost having private subliminal conversations so I almost laughed a few times. Zack just e-mailed me again so I'm going to reply and since I haven't anything else to comment on I'm ending this.
I've felt bad before and now I do again. I'm tired physically and emotionally... my friends are breaking down and all this work for the homecoming show, being taken out of classes for group field rehearsals in freezing rain for 3 hours every day... it's just taking it's toll on me. Trying to keep up with all the homework when I miss so many classes for band to learn the drills for the show to show everyone that the band can and will make it...
I love band and I always will; nothing can keep me from being in it but things come with prices and I know my life is hectic chaos at the moment but the night I'm under those lights on the field in my uniform with the whole band ready to march the steps and play the memorized music, that will be my resolution. I've done it these past two years and I'm almost ready to do it a third and it is my glory. Then after that to see all the freshman and feel all that emotion and satisfaction and pride that they can take in doing something so monumental. For every individual to take satisfaction in their effort, to show everyone, to prove how good, no, how amazing our band is is well worth this mass chaos.
That was my pep talk, and please Mike or therefore any of my bandies who are feeling down read this and remember you will always have band if anything. The band is a family of which every bandie is a part of. *sigh* I just wished we could've had more of a freshman orientation to make them feel welcome since the Jameson thing kind of took priority and forced everything to be so much more complicated and as I say for the third time, chaotic. The band will recover, however bad the fall we are too strong and united to fall because of one person. Again with the pep talk, but it's how I feel and I just want to reassure everyone as well as myself.
So concluding from last nights Powder Puff game the seniors kicked ass, 28-0 and it was really boring. I did meet up with Zack and we held hands almost the whole time. It's nice to just be with someone even if you're not doing anything. After a few times I noticed that every time a guy would look at me while we were sitting or walking Zack would pull me closer and squeeze my hand tighter and look defensively at the guy looking at me as if to silently say "she's mine, stay away". It was so cute though because then I'd squeeze his hand back and look at him and we'd smile at each other. Vix commented on how quiet we were and it was like at times we were almost having private subliminal conversations so I almost laughed a few times. Zack just e-mailed me again so I'm going to reply and since I haven't anything else to comment on I'm ending this.
Mandy ~ 7:23 PM
Monday, September 22, 2003
*Sigh*
Well the party was great for one. At first I got there and they were all playing football so then we all went out in the boat. I didn't bring my swimsuit because I thought it was too cold to go swimming so I sat in the boat. The only two other people who didn't go swimming were Mrs. Baron, and Mike, who previously broke his collarbone at a football game. So I ended up getting my butt wet because Mrs. Baron braked when a kid fell off a tube and the tip of the boat went under a wave. I got up just a second too late so when we got back I changed into a pair of Ang's pj pants, which I still have. So then Mr. Baron built a small fire and Jim Flick stoked it up so much you couldn't even sit on the mat around it.
I just thought that was pretty funny and somewhat irrelevant, but hey, isn't that the way it goes? Well then they played some more football, basketball, jumped on the trampoline, and then Ang came up with this great idea to talk a lovely walk down the dark road. It was so funny because we were practically screaming 'We're talking a walk down the dark road. Hint Hint, wink wink.' So then everyone left down the road and our excuse was to play "night games". Somehow Zack and John got ahead of us and they both already had their shirts off and I was like oh yea, Zack's one sexy beast. Well stripping is kind of contagious so then Ang and I ran down the road to be "modest" and took off our shirts and the guys chased us, which was pretty funny.
So then we just gave in and walked with the guys down the road and they were all trying to stay calm because I'm sure none of them had ever seen a girl in their bra, in real life before. So then we all laid out on the road and I laid my head on Zack's stomach and we watched the stars and I pointed out the satellites because we didn't know any of the constellations besides the common knowledge ones, big dipper, little dipper. Every time a vehicle drove past we dove into the woods and I would sit on his lap and we'd wrap our arms around each other. It was really cold outside so being out there in just a bra or no top at all was chilly; it was like 50 degrees. Other times I'd just wrap my arms around him from the back or the front and depending I'd either lay my head on his chest or back. I like Zack so much and I just wished I could go out with him.
After that we listened to Matt, one of Zack's friends tell a story about some guy and something but it was really funny because he used a lot of profanity and the story was really stupid. I can recall a few things he said 'then he found a ring, A RING! Then he started digging' and John, another one of Zack's friends cut in and said "Excuse me but how did he dig, with the ring?" and Matt replied "No, with the shovel around his neck. So he was digging, as I said before I was so rudely interrupted and when he reached the bottom he jumped in and there were more demons! Then he started to uh, uh he started dancing with the demons" and then he did this really funny dance. Another part John kept butting in and asking questions because Matt was improving the whole thing and a lot of it didn't make any sense. So then Matt got mad and started beating John with the stick in his hand and he was swearing at him. It was funny because Matt was pretending to be a hunchback and had a sweatshirt on and he was hobbling after John and John pulled off his sweatshirt and Matt continued the story without it but we commented on how it wasn't the same. It was really funny though.
After that my dad came so I threw on my jacket and zipped it up and I had my shirt in my hand and I was like "Zack, my dad's a very observant person and if he sees this shirt in my hand he'll think the worst". So it was a case of really quick thinking. I ran up to the car and told my dad I had to use the bathroom quick before we went and Zack and I skipped down the road with my shirt hid under my arm and Zacks. So then I went into the house and snuck past Mrs. Baron and into the bathroom where I pulled on my shirt and then my jacket and flushed the toilet and washed my hands to make it sound real. Well now I'm going with Vix to the Powder Puff game to see a bunch of girls beat each other up. Hopefully I'll see Zack there too because there wasn't anyone home and he said he might go.
Well the party was great for one. At first I got there and they were all playing football so then we all went out in the boat. I didn't bring my swimsuit because I thought it was too cold to go swimming so I sat in the boat. The only two other people who didn't go swimming were Mrs. Baron, and Mike, who previously broke his collarbone at a football game. So I ended up getting my butt wet because Mrs. Baron braked when a kid fell off a tube and the tip of the boat went under a wave. I got up just a second too late so when we got back I changed into a pair of Ang's pj pants, which I still have. So then Mr. Baron built a small fire and Jim Flick stoked it up so much you couldn't even sit on the mat around it.
I just thought that was pretty funny and somewhat irrelevant, but hey, isn't that the way it goes? Well then they played some more football, basketball, jumped on the trampoline, and then Ang came up with this great idea to talk a lovely walk down the dark road. It was so funny because we were practically screaming 'We're talking a walk down the dark road. Hint Hint, wink wink.' So then everyone left down the road and our excuse was to play "night games". Somehow Zack and John got ahead of us and they both already had their shirts off and I was like oh yea, Zack's one sexy beast. Well stripping is kind of contagious so then Ang and I ran down the road to be "modest" and took off our shirts and the guys chased us, which was pretty funny.
So then we just gave in and walked with the guys down the road and they were all trying to stay calm because I'm sure none of them had ever seen a girl in their bra, in real life before. So then we all laid out on the road and I laid my head on Zack's stomach and we watched the stars and I pointed out the satellites because we didn't know any of the constellations besides the common knowledge ones, big dipper, little dipper. Every time a vehicle drove past we dove into the woods and I would sit on his lap and we'd wrap our arms around each other. It was really cold outside so being out there in just a bra or no top at all was chilly; it was like 50 degrees. Other times I'd just wrap my arms around him from the back or the front and depending I'd either lay my head on his chest or back. I like Zack so much and I just wished I could go out with him.
After that we listened to Matt, one of Zack's friends tell a story about some guy and something but it was really funny because he used a lot of profanity and the story was really stupid. I can recall a few things he said 'then he found a ring, A RING! Then he started digging' and John, another one of Zack's friends cut in and said "Excuse me but how did he dig, with the ring?" and Matt replied "No, with the shovel around his neck. So he was digging, as I said before I was so rudely interrupted and when he reached the bottom he jumped in and there were more demons! Then he started to uh, uh he started dancing with the demons" and then he did this really funny dance. Another part John kept butting in and asking questions because Matt was improving the whole thing and a lot of it didn't make any sense. So then Matt got mad and started beating John with the stick in his hand and he was swearing at him. It was funny because Matt was pretending to be a hunchback and had a sweatshirt on and he was hobbling after John and John pulled off his sweatshirt and Matt continued the story without it but we commented on how it wasn't the same. It was really funny though.
After that my dad came so I threw on my jacket and zipped it up and I had my shirt in my hand and I was like "Zack, my dad's a very observant person and if he sees this shirt in my hand he'll think the worst". So it was a case of really quick thinking. I ran up to the car and told my dad I had to use the bathroom quick before we went and Zack and I skipped down the road with my shirt hid under my arm and Zacks. So then I went into the house and snuck past Mrs. Baron and into the bathroom where I pulled on my shirt and then my jacket and flushed the toilet and washed my hands to make it sound real. Well now I'm going with Vix to the Powder Puff game to see a bunch of girls beat each other up. Hopefully I'll see Zack there too because there wasn't anyone home and he said he might go.
Mandy ~ 6:27 PM
Saturday, September 20, 2003
11 O'Clock, Party at 2, This is My Life, Is Anything New?
Well today is the day I go to Zack's party... go to his house, meet his parents. Last night I went to the football game because I had to play pep band and that part went ok but it was so cold outside I could hardly enjoy the game. Well as soon as I could I found Zack and basically all we did was walk around holding each others hands while shivering and sniffling. It was funny though because we're both sick and we were kind of making fun of the fact. After a while Amanda Jennings go the great idea of going to the RHS and hanging out in the nicely heated band room. Now seriously tell me what freezing group of kids wouldn't want to find refuge in a nicely heated room? So Zack, Amanda, Chris, and myself all walked to the RHS with our excuse being going to check on Kelly Gauthier and Ben Murphy because they previously left to the RHS. On the way there Amanda and Chris were saying stupid stuff like "Awww, our baby is growing up" and Chris and Amanda were acting like my parents. I'll admit it was pretty funny.
When we got there we just chilled. Tj and I played a little piano on separate pianos. It looked like Zack was really comfortable with my friends and it made me feel so good. I can say that too because we weren't constantly at each other's sides. I played some of one of my dad's songs for him and he's like wow, and it wasn't hard but for some reason he was impressed or he just acted like he was, which either was ok because I was happy. After that we walked back to the game and there was 3 minutes and some seconds left until it was over and we were trailing by one point and the other Rapids had to kick off to us. So I sat with Zack and a couple of his friends and we cheered for the rest of the game. It came down to 17 seconds and Eric Prom had to kick to win the game but he missed and it was ok though because at least we did that good. So then Zack walked me back to the RHS and he left and I hung out with Heather Scott, Chris Povish, Reva Weidman, and a few other underclassmen. I called home with Reva's cell phone and my mom came and picked Kate, Chris, and me up. We took Chris back to his house but no one was home so we took him back to our house where we chilled for a while.
Chris has the most gorgeous Siberian husky. His name is Nanook and he's white and gray with the most gorgeous blue eyes. When we got there we saw Nanook and Kate and I jumped out and got Chris's permission to pet him. So Chris wrote a note and left it in the door that he was going home with us. Then Chris decided to let Nanook in so he jumped the fence and let the dog in, which was funny because he went to our house when his back door was open and on the note I'm assuming he wrote the door was locked. So then we all went back, Chris and Kate kicked back in the recliners and I laid on the couch and played some with Shenzy. So it was Kate, Chris, my mom, and me all kicking back in the living room chatting about everything. It was cool that I could hang out with my sister, mom, and one of my friends and it not be awkward or anything. I have to go though because my dad told me I have to be off the pc and do some work. I have to oblige him because for one he's my dad, for two he just got sick and went to the hospital the other day, and for three he'll be off from work for a week so I'd better stay on his good side. Bye for now.
Well today is the day I go to Zack's party... go to his house, meet his parents. Last night I went to the football game because I had to play pep band and that part went ok but it was so cold outside I could hardly enjoy the game. Well as soon as I could I found Zack and basically all we did was walk around holding each others hands while shivering and sniffling. It was funny though because we're both sick and we were kind of making fun of the fact. After a while Amanda Jennings go the great idea of going to the RHS and hanging out in the nicely heated band room. Now seriously tell me what freezing group of kids wouldn't want to find refuge in a nicely heated room? So Zack, Amanda, Chris, and myself all walked to the RHS with our excuse being going to check on Kelly Gauthier and Ben Murphy because they previously left to the RHS. On the way there Amanda and Chris were saying stupid stuff like "Awww, our baby is growing up" and Chris and Amanda were acting like my parents. I'll admit it was pretty funny.
When we got there we just chilled. Tj and I played a little piano on separate pianos. It looked like Zack was really comfortable with my friends and it made me feel so good. I can say that too because we weren't constantly at each other's sides. I played some of one of my dad's songs for him and he's like wow, and it wasn't hard but for some reason he was impressed or he just acted like he was, which either was ok because I was happy. After that we walked back to the game and there was 3 minutes and some seconds left until it was over and we were trailing by one point and the other Rapids had to kick off to us. So I sat with Zack and a couple of his friends and we cheered for the rest of the game. It came down to 17 seconds and Eric Prom had to kick to win the game but he missed and it was ok though because at least we did that good. So then Zack walked me back to the RHS and he left and I hung out with Heather Scott, Chris Povish, Reva Weidman, and a few other underclassmen. I called home with Reva's cell phone and my mom came and picked Kate, Chris, and me up. We took Chris back to his house but no one was home so we took him back to our house where we chilled for a while.
Chris has the most gorgeous Siberian husky. His name is Nanook and he's white and gray with the most gorgeous blue eyes. When we got there we saw Nanook and Kate and I jumped out and got Chris's permission to pet him. So Chris wrote a note and left it in the door that he was going home with us. Then Chris decided to let Nanook in so he jumped the fence and let the dog in, which was funny because he went to our house when his back door was open and on the note I'm assuming he wrote the door was locked. So then we all went back, Chris and Kate kicked back in the recliners and I laid on the couch and played some with Shenzy. So it was Kate, Chris, my mom, and me all kicking back in the living room chatting about everything. It was cool that I could hang out with my sister, mom, and one of my friends and it not be awkward or anything. I have to go though because my dad told me I have to be off the pc and do some work. I have to oblige him because for one he's my dad, for two he just got sick and went to the hospital the other day, and for three he'll be off from work for a week so I'd better stay on his good side. Bye for now.
Mandy ~ 11:29 AM
Thursday, September 18, 2003
Failing
As I sit in this chair constantly moving
Physically living
Emotionally dead
Talking to them as the bar glows orange
Blinking, as they demand to be heard
Thinking of just the right words
To comfort them
All faced with their trials
Not thinking of my own
My weak attempt at avoiding them
Lost in the white
Black letters sinking in
Away from my eyes
Songs I start to despise
Blinking again
Getting lost in my thoughts
Thinking and not
Hearing the words but not accepting
Their meanings
Denying
Contriving
My brain
Secrets unfolding against the grain
Of truth smoothing them out
Filing them down
Hiding again to live without pain
Shading the lines, thickening the secrets
Creating their depth with a single point
Defending
Without resolution
The malicious despise
Living within the secrets they call lies
Well that's a confusing poem I threw together in a couple of minutes last night before I took a shower and went to sleep. I was talking on msn messenger and I just got an idea and wrote that.
Today was same old same old. I'm really feeling more detached lately because I'm not really connecting with anyone... I'm just kind of as they say "going through the motions" as if the poem didn't already say that for me. *looks at ground* Everyone gets this way at one point or another and if you say that's not true well just think of it like this... people express themselves in different ways so if someone was smiling and acting all happy you don't know how well they can act. That's how I like to see it, some people can hide it and some can't and sometimes they don't want to. I'm comfortable with who I am and how I feel and sometimes, actually a lot I like to hide... well not hide so much as not show. I feel especially vulnerable when I'm alone with a guy I like and then I'm all shy and I just want to talk and then I end up saying a lot about myself.
I'm going to Zack's party on Saturday and I'm filled with anticipation and trepidation because I have no idea what's going to happen. I know one other person that will be there, Jim Flick because Zack only invited 4 high schoolers, and that includes Kate (who isn't going), Jim, someone I don't know who she is, and me. Then there will be probably a couple handfuls more of his friends his age that I won't know. He's planning on having us go swimming and such and it's going to be 60 something degrees that day so I don't know if it'll even be warm enough to. That was one of my problems, was the swimsuit. I have 2 but one doesn't match completely and I don't really like it and the other one is nice but it isn't flattering to my body type. I really need a new suit. Ok, I take that back, a new suit would be really nice because mine sucks. Well I don't know what else to write so I'll be going now.
As I sit in this chair constantly moving
Physically living
Emotionally dead
Talking to them as the bar glows orange
Blinking, as they demand to be heard
Thinking of just the right words
To comfort them
All faced with their trials
Not thinking of my own
My weak attempt at avoiding them
Lost in the white
Black letters sinking in
Away from my eyes
Songs I start to despise
Blinking again
Getting lost in my thoughts
Thinking and not
Hearing the words but not accepting
Their meanings
Denying
Contriving
My brain
Secrets unfolding against the grain
Of truth smoothing them out
Filing them down
Hiding again to live without pain
Shading the lines, thickening the secrets
Creating their depth with a single point
Defending
Without resolution
The malicious despise
Living within the secrets they call lies
Well that's a confusing poem I threw together in a couple of minutes last night before I took a shower and went to sleep. I was talking on msn messenger and I just got an idea and wrote that.
Today was same old same old. I'm really feeling more detached lately because I'm not really connecting with anyone... I'm just kind of as they say "going through the motions" as if the poem didn't already say that for me. *looks at ground* Everyone gets this way at one point or another and if you say that's not true well just think of it like this... people express themselves in different ways so if someone was smiling and acting all happy you don't know how well they can act. That's how I like to see it, some people can hide it and some can't and sometimes they don't want to. I'm comfortable with who I am and how I feel and sometimes, actually a lot I like to hide... well not hide so much as not show. I feel especially vulnerable when I'm alone with a guy I like and then I'm all shy and I just want to talk and then I end up saying a lot about myself.
I'm going to Zack's party on Saturday and I'm filled with anticipation and trepidation because I have no idea what's going to happen. I know one other person that will be there, Jim Flick because Zack only invited 4 high schoolers, and that includes Kate (who isn't going), Jim, someone I don't know who she is, and me. Then there will be probably a couple handfuls more of his friends his age that I won't know. He's planning on having us go swimming and such and it's going to be 60 something degrees that day so I don't know if it'll even be warm enough to. That was one of my problems, was the swimsuit. I have 2 but one doesn't match completely and I don't really like it and the other one is nice but it isn't flattering to my body type. I really need a new suit. Ok, I take that back, a new suit would be really nice because mine sucks. Well I don't know what else to write so I'll be going now.
Mandy ~ 5:54 PM
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
More to This
Well there are a few things I forgot to write about. Last week Reva told me in Alg that she asked Josh to homecoming but he said he was going with me. I was all confused and said, since when am I even going to homecoming? So then Reva was all mad because she thought I knew and had planned on going with Josh but then when she found out he hadn't even asked me and lied to her. So then I saw him a couple of days later and asked him and he kind of ignored me and said that Matt Paquette was supposed to ask me for him. Then he walked off with Heidi Brown and I was like ok, like that wasn't confusing at all. So then Monday I found out that Matt Paquette said he was taking me and he hadn't asked me either. All I know is if anyone asks me that I already made plans with Zack to do something that night since we couldn't go together because he's in 8th grade. It's funny because I know a freshman that's younger than Zack by half a year. This girl, Brianne in band with me is turning 15 in March and Zack is turning 15 in 2 days. What's even more insane is that Kate, my sister is 15 and will be until May and that means there's a 4 month difference between her and Zack but technically 2 years in school. He never failed or anything but that just shows how little grades or age matters. Well I should be going but I just wanted to post that for those who tell me I'm 'robbing the cradle' *cough* MIKE *cough* He might even be older than Mike, possibly.
Well there are a few things I forgot to write about. Last week Reva told me in Alg that she asked Josh to homecoming but he said he was going with me. I was all confused and said, since when am I even going to homecoming? So then Reva was all mad because she thought I knew and had planned on going with Josh but then when she found out he hadn't even asked me and lied to her. So then I saw him a couple of days later and asked him and he kind of ignored me and said that Matt Paquette was supposed to ask me for him. Then he walked off with Heidi Brown and I was like ok, like that wasn't confusing at all. So then Monday I found out that Matt Paquette said he was taking me and he hadn't asked me either. All I know is if anyone asks me that I already made plans with Zack to do something that night since we couldn't go together because he's in 8th grade. It's funny because I know a freshman that's younger than Zack by half a year. This girl, Brianne in band with me is turning 15 in March and Zack is turning 15 in 2 days. What's even more insane is that Kate, my sister is 15 and will be until May and that means there's a 4 month difference between her and Zack but technically 2 years in school. He never failed or anything but that just shows how little grades or age matters. Well I should be going but I just wanted to post that for those who tell me I'm 'robbing the cradle' *cough* MIKE *cough* He might even be older than Mike, possibly.
Mandy ~ 9:54 PM
Monday, September 15, 2003
P.S. I also got an invitation from Ang for Zack's party today. Zack's birthday is in 5 days and he's going to have his party on that day. He typed that we'd need to bring swim suits and extra clothes, does he really expect us to go swimming so late in the year? It'll be good I'm sure and I'm kind of panicking meeting his parents but I'm sure they'll be nice. *sigh*
Mandy ~ 7:05 PM
Sick?
I don't know if I am or not because I was singing in Treble Choir and I started coughing and my throat has been scratchy all day but I've been taking a daily multi-vitamins for the past week and I'm hoping that counts for something. Hehe, I'm such a dork. Well my day went ok except for seeing Jake Cihla but I'm going to have to deal with that. He's such an ass and nothing is ever his fault, not even partially. Last night I was talking to him and he said, well I saved the convo so I can actually copy it over...
Second or third weekend in October, party at my place says:
as kate seems to be firmly attached to jeff and the only thing that will break them up is the end of the world, i really dont have a chance, and im not going to take kate awar from jeff
~Mandy~ says:
and if you knew what kate said...
~Mandy~ says:
then why the fuck did you flirt with her?
Second or third weekend in October, party at my place says:
because she was being ungodly flirtatious
Second or third weekend in October, party at my place says:
oh, had i know she was that sort, i wouldn't have done anything that would have caused her to regret it
She was being "ungodly flirtatious" and of course he couldn't have been flirting back. I could tell that guy who's twice her size was fighting with all of his strength against her. Oh and then the fact that he didn't know she was "that way" just like he's the most innocent guy on the face of the earth when he's probably done more than I know. I don't mean to speculate but it's kind of hard not to be biased since I love Kate more than anything although she does throw difficult situations onto me. That's ok though because Jake bragged to me about "how a gentleman never kisses and tells" implying himself when this morning he was bragging to Nick about how "he got to see Jasmine and Kate's breasts". Well the OC is on so I'm going to go watch it with my baby sister.
I don't know if I am or not because I was singing in Treble Choir and I started coughing and my throat has been scratchy all day but I've been taking a daily multi-vitamins for the past week and I'm hoping that counts for something. Hehe, I'm such a dork. Well my day went ok except for seeing Jake Cihla but I'm going to have to deal with that. He's such an ass and nothing is ever his fault, not even partially. Last night I was talking to him and he said, well I saved the convo so I can actually copy it over...
Second or third weekend in October, party at my place says:
as kate seems to be firmly attached to jeff and the only thing that will break them up is the end of the world, i really dont have a chance, and im not going to take kate awar from jeff
~Mandy~ says:
and if you knew what kate said...
~Mandy~ says:
then why the fuck did you flirt with her?
Second or third weekend in October, party at my place says:
because she was being ungodly flirtatious
Second or third weekend in October, party at my place says:
oh, had i know she was that sort, i wouldn't have done anything that would have caused her to regret it
She was being "ungodly flirtatious" and of course he couldn't have been flirting back. I could tell that guy who's twice her size was fighting with all of his strength against her. Oh and then the fact that he didn't know she was "that way" just like he's the most innocent guy on the face of the earth when he's probably done more than I know. I don't mean to speculate but it's kind of hard not to be biased since I love Kate more than anything although she does throw difficult situations onto me. That's ok though because Jake bragged to me about "how a gentleman never kisses and tells" implying himself when this morning he was bragging to Nick about how "he got to see Jasmine and Kate's breasts". Well the OC is on so I'm going to go watch it with my baby sister.
Mandy ~ 7:02 PM
Sunday, September 14, 2003
Undeniably Wrong...
That's me, always wrong. Well today was sheer hell with the exception of my great bandies whom I love very much. I went to sleep around 12 and woke up at 2 am to get ready to get on a coach bus to go to Madison for Badger Band Day. It rained all day and stupid being me (I know that didn't make sense, why do you think I wrote it? I'm trying to prove I'm always wrong) I brought my wood clarinet, and it got soaked and I couldn't play above a high g, which really sucked because those are my favorite notes.
So on the bus on the way down I got my period and had to use the bathroom at the back where all the senior guys were sitting. Sexy Bexy (as everyone calls him) pulled Katie Barbian and me onto his lap). There were a line of girls and I was like I'll be in and out because well I love being femalian (my made up word said with sarcasm) so everyone knew what I meant and suprisingly it didn't bother any of the guys. Brian just proclaimed it as something natural and I didn't feel so awkward about it after because I always feel weird around guys when I have it. I always have this fear of going through and guys seeing it and making fun of me like the first time I had my period and Mike Novotny picked on me for it until I told my mom who called his mom who bitched him out. That was in 7th grade so it was a while ago and Mike was immature but I manage to stay away from him so yea.
Getting back to Badger Band Day... so everyone got soaked, and a few people were sick or got sick like me when I got home. Basically I hung out with Kate (sister), Katie Barbian, Will Roffers, Emily Evenson, Adam Collins, Jesse Clark, Jake Cihla, Anthony Hook, and some other bandies. I loved watching the Wisconsin Marching Band perform. *cough* one of the songs was the theme song 'ease on down' from the WIZ *cough* It's so cool to see them perform and I personally know one of the musicans, BJ Simmons who graduated before I was even in the RHS.
After we did the traditional marching down the frat street for the drunken college students. Krop had the drummers play his cadence (this really cool cadence he made up that really reminds me of a cadence off from the movie Drumline because it's such a great cadence, yes sometimes even I am at a loss for words) and the drummers just showed off. Mr. Zunker smiled really wide when they started Jared's cadence... I can tell he's genuinely proud of us like a parent. He is our parent... the band is a big family and he'll get to play the lead and I really hope it works because we just really need a stable director to give our band the confidence we need after what happened...
Sometimes I just remember last year and how great our band was and hopeful, confident, proud, and happy. Happy... Jameson couldn't accomplish it although he did put it together so please, Mr. Zunker stand strong for us.
That's me, always wrong. Well today was sheer hell with the exception of my great bandies whom I love very much. I went to sleep around 12 and woke up at 2 am to get ready to get on a coach bus to go to Madison for Badger Band Day. It rained all day and stupid being me (I know that didn't make sense, why do you think I wrote it? I'm trying to prove I'm always wrong) I brought my wood clarinet, and it got soaked and I couldn't play above a high g, which really sucked because those are my favorite notes.
So on the bus on the way down I got my period and had to use the bathroom at the back where all the senior guys were sitting. Sexy Bexy (as everyone calls him) pulled Katie Barbian and me onto his lap). There were a line of girls and I was like I'll be in and out because well I love being femalian (my made up word said with sarcasm) so everyone knew what I meant and suprisingly it didn't bother any of the guys. Brian just proclaimed it as something natural and I didn't feel so awkward about it after because I always feel weird around guys when I have it. I always have this fear of going through and guys seeing it and making fun of me like the first time I had my period and Mike Novotny picked on me for it until I told my mom who called his mom who bitched him out. That was in 7th grade so it was a while ago and Mike was immature but I manage to stay away from him so yea.
Getting back to Badger Band Day... so everyone got soaked, and a few people were sick or got sick like me when I got home. Basically I hung out with Kate (sister), Katie Barbian, Will Roffers, Emily Evenson, Adam Collins, Jesse Clark, Jake Cihla, Anthony Hook, and some other bandies. I loved watching the Wisconsin Marching Band perform. *cough* one of the songs was the theme song 'ease on down' from the WIZ *cough* It's so cool to see them perform and I personally know one of the musicans, BJ Simmons who graduated before I was even in the RHS.
After we did the traditional marching down the frat street for the drunken college students. Krop had the drummers play his cadence (this really cool cadence he made up that really reminds me of a cadence off from the movie Drumline because it's such a great cadence, yes sometimes even I am at a loss for words) and the drummers just showed off. Mr. Zunker smiled really wide when they started Jared's cadence... I can tell he's genuinely proud of us like a parent. He is our parent... the band is a big family and he'll get to play the lead and I really hope it works because we just really need a stable director to give our band the confidence we need after what happened...
Sometimes I just remember last year and how great our band was and hopeful, confident, proud, and happy. Happy... Jameson couldn't accomplish it although he did put it together so please, Mr. Zunker stand strong for us.
Mandy ~ 12:20 AM
Thursday, September 11, 2003
These Tears in My Eyes, So Happy I Could Cry
I'm so happy right now and if I got any happier I'd be crying (hence the title). Tonight was a dream. Kate and I convinced my mom how great Zack is and at first she was skeptical but she really wants to meet him now. After school I went and got a band uniform and then Vix drove Susie, Kate, and me to Susie's house where we goofed off. We did the silliest things... but there isn't enough time to elaborate on the things teenage girls do when they have a house to themselves for an hour.
Well then Vix drove Kate and me home and I was just going to stay home while everyone else went to the soccer meet because Susie had to sing in Showdags for it and I had tons of homework, which still isn't done. So I went downstairs, checked my e-mail to see if Zack e-mailed me, and downloaded this new song I love singing to, Stacy Orrico's More to Life. It's great for my upper register but anyway all of a sudden I got this feeling. I knew I had to go to the soccer game with them because I just had to and I didn't know why.
So we got there and we all sat around for a while just doing the normal. We did the apple dance, yay! Konni was there too and we were hanging out with him. So then Kate decided she was thirsty and we walked together into the RHS to get some gatorades and but who was standing right there but the girl who's the sister of the guy I like? Coincidentally the same night of the soccer games there was a home game for JV volleyball and I saw Ang (Angela) Baron even before I got in there and we both waved at each other. Then she told me her brother was coming and I was like yay! So then Kate and I walked back to the JV soccer game and I told Vix, Susie and Ashley about it and they all freaked out.
So then Kate, Vix, and me all walked back to find Zack and as soon as I walked up to the doors of the gym I saw him and I smiled and waved and he waved and walked out to meet up with me. So then we all went outside and walked around. The game was over so then all the girls got the greatest idea to climb trees and Susie climbed up in a tree and Kate found a lower tree and it just looked like she was humping the tree and Zack thought they were all hilarious. Then we were joking about how Zack was gay and that's why he was being so quiet because he was with 5 girls. He's so cute and shy and family oriented and just so hot.
So at one point we were standing by the Varsity soccer game and Susie was like "I have to throw this away" and her, Vix, and Kate all walked over to throw it away because Aaron Pierre was over there and well that's enough said. So then Zack and I decided to run away back into the RHS because he had to go back to his sister's game. So we got back in there and on the way they chased us and we out ran them so easily. When we got in there we stood and talked for a little bit and then we saw the girls coming in for us and we ran down the hall and into the girl's bathroom. I looked in the mirror and I was like "I look so blah!" as I played with my hair and Zack said "No, you don't" and I just looked at him and the look on his face...
I really don't deserve him. So then this girl was walking down the hall and we ducked out of the bathroom and she looked at us funny but then we saw the girls in the commons and ran around the corner and up the stairs and then back down and then back up. Then we walked into the commons and outside and they came back inside and I had to say good bye to Zack and Vix, Susie, and Kate all hugged him and I was being all bashful and they were telling me to kiss him and I just finally hugged him. I'm so shy when it gets down to it. I can flirt so easily but I'm so shy and awkward so I bluff to be way more confident.
The thing that shocked me most about him besides the fact that he doesn't look like an 8th grader (more like a sophomore) was how wrong I was about him. When I first saw him I was like oh so hot and then I thought he must be the biggest jerk and that he probably thinks he's god's gift to women. I couldn't have been more wrong about him. *sigh* He's so... I want to say perfect but then something will happen to take him away from me although I don't have him right now. So I'm going to end this before it gets any longer.
I'm so happy right now and if I got any happier I'd be crying (hence the title). Tonight was a dream. Kate and I convinced my mom how great Zack is and at first she was skeptical but she really wants to meet him now. After school I went and got a band uniform and then Vix drove Susie, Kate, and me to Susie's house where we goofed off. We did the silliest things... but there isn't enough time to elaborate on the things teenage girls do when they have a house to themselves for an hour.
Well then Vix drove Kate and me home and I was just going to stay home while everyone else went to the soccer meet because Susie had to sing in Showdags for it and I had tons of homework, which still isn't done. So I went downstairs, checked my e-mail to see if Zack e-mailed me, and downloaded this new song I love singing to, Stacy Orrico's More to Life. It's great for my upper register but anyway all of a sudden I got this feeling. I knew I had to go to the soccer game with them because I just had to and I didn't know why.
So we got there and we all sat around for a while just doing the normal. We did the apple dance, yay! Konni was there too and we were hanging out with him. So then Kate decided she was thirsty and we walked together into the RHS to get some gatorades and but who was standing right there but the girl who's the sister of the guy I like? Coincidentally the same night of the soccer games there was a home game for JV volleyball and I saw Ang (Angela) Baron even before I got in there and we both waved at each other. Then she told me her brother was coming and I was like yay! So then Kate and I walked back to the JV soccer game and I told Vix, Susie and Ashley about it and they all freaked out.
So then Kate, Vix, and me all walked back to find Zack and as soon as I walked up to the doors of the gym I saw him and I smiled and waved and he waved and walked out to meet up with me. So then we all went outside and walked around. The game was over so then all the girls got the greatest idea to climb trees and Susie climbed up in a tree and Kate found a lower tree and it just looked like she was humping the tree and Zack thought they were all hilarious. Then we were joking about how Zack was gay and that's why he was being so quiet because he was with 5 girls. He's so cute and shy and family oriented and just so hot.
So at one point we were standing by the Varsity soccer game and Susie was like "I have to throw this away" and her, Vix, and Kate all walked over to throw it away because Aaron Pierre was over there and well that's enough said. So then Zack and I decided to run away back into the RHS because he had to go back to his sister's game. So we got back in there and on the way they chased us and we out ran them so easily. When we got in there we stood and talked for a little bit and then we saw the girls coming in for us and we ran down the hall and into the girl's bathroom. I looked in the mirror and I was like "I look so blah!" as I played with my hair and Zack said "No, you don't" and I just looked at him and the look on his face...
I really don't deserve him. So then this girl was walking down the hall and we ducked out of the bathroom and she looked at us funny but then we saw the girls in the commons and ran around the corner and up the stairs and then back down and then back up. Then we walked into the commons and outside and they came back inside and I had to say good bye to Zack and Vix, Susie, and Kate all hugged him and I was being all bashful and they were telling me to kiss him and I just finally hugged him. I'm so shy when it gets down to it. I can flirt so easily but I'm so shy and awkward so I bluff to be way more confident.
The thing that shocked me most about him besides the fact that he doesn't look like an 8th grader (more like a sophomore) was how wrong I was about him. When I first saw him I was like oh so hot and then I thought he must be the biggest jerk and that he probably thinks he's god's gift to women. I couldn't have been more wrong about him. *sigh* He's so... I want to say perfect but then something will happen to take him away from me although I don't have him right now. So I'm going to end this before it gets any longer.
Mandy ~ 10:56 PM
Monday, September 08, 2003
More Time, More Obstacles
*sigh* Well Adam hasn't been writing me practically anything besides 2 lined e-mails and he doesn't even sign his name. That leads me to think he doesn't want me anymore but I'm talking to Jason about it and Jason copied over the e-mail Adam wrote him and I'm in part of it...
I am going through depression, I havn't heard from amanda in awhile now. :( Thats all I think about here and I cant have that running through my mind when I'm out in the cities. and in another part he wrote...
Jason, please see whats up with Amanda, thanks alot bro.
I was hoping so badly that he met another girl or something so I wouldn't be going through hell... as if he isn't just with his cirumstances. This is part of the conversation I'm having with Jason right now...
~Mandy~ says:
and no matter how much i tell myself i am single somewhere along the line i decided me and adam were more than just that and i feel horribly guilty when i flirt
~Mandy~ says:
and i hate it because i'm not in a relationship therefore none of the relationship benefits
~Mandy~ says:
i'm getting negative benefits here
~Mandy~ says:
and i was kind of hoping adam would decide he hates me and that maybe this whole thing isn't a good idea and that he did meet someone over there and he doesn't want to be too invested with one person when he can't even see that person for another 7 months
Rey says:
i really don't know what to say
~Mandy~ says:
exactly
~Mandy~ says:
i just want to cry
At least tomorrow isn't Monday. I don't know how much else of this I can take. I asked Zach to go to homecoming with me because he can't go unless he has a date who's in the school. So I asked my mom and she told me that I couldn't go with Zach when I already made plans with him... I feel horrible about that too and I wrote him an e-mail earlier explaining the whole ordeal and I'm really hoping something will work out. I'm really depressed right now and the only thing that's holding me together are my girls, Susie, Vix, and Kate. Well I have to go because Sarah is kicking me off her computer.
*sigh* Well Adam hasn't been writing me practically anything besides 2 lined e-mails and he doesn't even sign his name. That leads me to think he doesn't want me anymore but I'm talking to Jason about it and Jason copied over the e-mail Adam wrote him and I'm in part of it...
I am going through depression, I havn't heard from amanda in awhile now. :( Thats all I think about here and I cant have that running through my mind when I'm out in the cities. and in another part he wrote...
Jason, please see whats up with Amanda, thanks alot bro.
I was hoping so badly that he met another girl or something so I wouldn't be going through hell... as if he isn't just with his cirumstances. This is part of the conversation I'm having with Jason right now...
~Mandy~ says:
and no matter how much i tell myself i am single somewhere along the line i decided me and adam were more than just that and i feel horribly guilty when i flirt
~Mandy~ says:
and i hate it because i'm not in a relationship therefore none of the relationship benefits
~Mandy~ says:
i'm getting negative benefits here
~Mandy~ says:
and i was kind of hoping adam would decide he hates me and that maybe this whole thing isn't a good idea and that he did meet someone over there and he doesn't want to be too invested with one person when he can't even see that person for another 7 months
Rey says:
i really don't know what to say
~Mandy~ says:
exactly
~Mandy~ says:
i just want to cry
At least tomorrow isn't Monday. I don't know how much else of this I can take. I asked Zach to go to homecoming with me because he can't go unless he has a date who's in the school. So I asked my mom and she told me that I couldn't go with Zach when I already made plans with him... I feel horrible about that too and I wrote him an e-mail earlier explaining the whole ordeal and I'm really hoping something will work out. I'm really depressed right now and the only thing that's holding me together are my girls, Susie, Vix, and Kate. Well I have to go because Sarah is kicking me off her computer.
Mandy ~ 11:33 PM
Sunday, September 07, 2003
Too Long
I haven't written in a while. So much has happened this past week that I haven't written. *blows air throw her lips* Where do I start? Well thanks Mike for reminding me that I absolutely have to write something, lol. Ok since last time after they left that day I believe I went to hang out with Susie and Vix (when don't I hang out with my girls?). Hmmm, I can't really remember much else because after all it was a week ago, and with my short memory span... well you can put the pieces together.
I gave Ang (Zach Baron's sister) my e-mail address and she gave it to Zach and we've been e-mailing each other back and forth for the past couple of days and Friday night I met up with him at the football game after I was done with pep band and we were pretty quiet until we walked back to the RHS hand in hand. Zach has pretty big hands, hehe. My fingers barely went through his. He's got the nicest, rock hard body too. He wrote back to me that he's impersonal and I've only seen his quiet side and I just think he's being shy.
I started school on the 2nd and I have Wind Ensomble 1st hour, Economics 2nd, Treble Choir 3rd, Study Hall as a skinny after lunch, and then Algebra 2a 4th hour. I love Wind Ensomble, hate Alg except for the teacher, Econ is ok except the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing in there, and I'm undecided about Treble Choir. School is just school... lots of homework, lots of people, and lots of confusion. It's nice to see all of my friends again although it's not quite that way because I don't really see them like at all. I don't have any friends in any of my classes and I'm considering transferring out of my next quarter math class to be in one with Povish so I can actually see him.
I don't feel like writing much else because I'm talking to people and Mike was down my throat to get another blog posted and I'm also distorting a picture in paint. I hope that looks cool when I'm done with it.
I haven't written in a while. So much has happened this past week that I haven't written. *blows air throw her lips* Where do I start? Well thanks Mike for reminding me that I absolutely have to write something, lol. Ok since last time after they left that day I believe I went to hang out with Susie and Vix (when don't I hang out with my girls?). Hmmm, I can't really remember much else because after all it was a week ago, and with my short memory span... well you can put the pieces together.
I gave Ang (Zach Baron's sister) my e-mail address and she gave it to Zach and we've been e-mailing each other back and forth for the past couple of days and Friday night I met up with him at the football game after I was done with pep band and we were pretty quiet until we walked back to the RHS hand in hand. Zach has pretty big hands, hehe. My fingers barely went through his. He's got the nicest, rock hard body too. He wrote back to me that he's impersonal and I've only seen his quiet side and I just think he's being shy.
I started school on the 2nd and I have Wind Ensomble 1st hour, Economics 2nd, Treble Choir 3rd, Study Hall as a skinny after lunch, and then Algebra 2a 4th hour. I love Wind Ensomble, hate Alg except for the teacher, Econ is ok except the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing in there, and I'm undecided about Treble Choir. School is just school... lots of homework, lots of people, and lots of confusion. It's nice to see all of my friends again although it's not quite that way because I don't really see them like at all. I don't have any friends in any of my classes and I'm considering transferring out of my next quarter math class to be in one with Povish so I can actually see him.
I don't feel like writing much else because I'm talking to people and Mike was down my throat to get another blog posted and I'm also distorting a picture in paint. I hope that looks cool when I'm done with it.
Mandy ~ 5:29 PM