Who I Am
These are my true thoughts...
My Past
08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003
09/01/2003 - 10/01/2003
10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003
11/01/2003 - 12/01/2003
12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004
01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004
02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005
06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005
10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
Favorite Websites
albinoblacksheep.com
www.myspace.com
www.ebaumsworld.com
Credits of the Creator
Take a look at this & other blog designs @ Blogskins.com
Picture found @ Digital Blasphemy
Friday, October 31, 2003
I'm Defective...
Not really but I keep getting sick. About a week ago I started the sick cycle with a "lovely" cold which has progressively gotten worse and just today I came home after 1st hour because I got pink eye, which isn't too bad because it just burns a little and I just put in drops every 3 hours. I'm on medication for the cold too. So enough of that... I was sad because I didn't get to see Zach today and yet I was kind of relieved because I didn't have to take my Alg 2 final, which I didn't have the homework done for although I stayed up until 4 am (from around 11, the time I got off the phone with Zach) and yes, it was worth it.
I love talking to him, seeing him, especially hugging him. I hardly ever get to see him. I never get to school early because that's just the way I am, always late and I only see him for about a minute between homeroom and 2nd hour and then after school for a little while, and when I say a little while I mean like a few minutes. First quarter ended today and I didn't take 2 of my finals. This is going to be fun to make those up. I was going to write a lot more but I'm getting caught up in so much right now that I'll leave it where it is right now.
Not really but I keep getting sick. About a week ago I started the sick cycle with a "lovely" cold which has progressively gotten worse and just today I came home after 1st hour because I got pink eye, which isn't too bad because it just burns a little and I just put in drops every 3 hours. I'm on medication for the cold too. So enough of that... I was sad because I didn't get to see Zach today and yet I was kind of relieved because I didn't have to take my Alg 2 final, which I didn't have the homework done for although I stayed up until 4 am (from around 11, the time I got off the phone with Zach) and yes, it was worth it.
I love talking to him, seeing him, especially hugging him. I hardly ever get to see him. I never get to school early because that's just the way I am, always late and I only see him for about a minute between homeroom and 2nd hour and then after school for a little while, and when I say a little while I mean like a few minutes. First quarter ended today and I didn't take 2 of my finals. This is going to be fun to make those up. I was going to write a lot more but I'm getting caught up in so much right now that I'll leave it where it is right now.
Mandy ~ 8:53 PM
Thursday, October 30, 2003
Unbelievably Happy
My day was so wonderful today. I thought because it was finals that I was going to be in a bad mood because I knew I wasn't going to do good on my tests. What really threw me off was the band final because we've never had one before. Ok, I'll start from the beginning of my day... it didn't start off well. I woke up to my mom screaming we slept in 15 minutes late. So it was quarter after 7 and I was just being a zombie because I'd stayed up until 2 am studying although it didn't help because I completely blanked on the test. So before school I saw Zach right away and I was too tired to comprehend anything so I only said hi and I didn't even realize it was him until I was sitting in band and five minutes later I said his name and I was like shoot. So I went to homeroom and after that got out I saw Zach and finally got to hug him and I was so happy and then we walked up to my Econ class and talked until he had to go to Geometry.
So I was pretty upset about that because we had essay questions and I had no idea but I just couldn't even concentrate because I'm sick and on pills (codine) to help with my sleeping which also make you practically dead tired if you take them and only get 5 hours of sleep. So I had a final in Band which was completely knew to me and no one got the 3rd and 4th questions which were 'write out how you'd count 16th notes in 4/4 time in syllables' and the next one was the same but for 6/8 time. Anthony wrote a word like derrr or something and Mike Hill wrote that he was in football so he didn't know.
After Band I had Economics and I just blanked like I already said. I got done with my test with enough time to complete 3 book assignments fo Alg 2 and I still have 3 more to go, about 6 worksheets and 35 pages of notes of which I have only 9.5 done... so that leaves 25.5 pages. Heeren also handed out two more sheets today and they're for the students he has next quarter and I'm going into Obeys class so he said I can do them for extra credit and I was like sweet. I'm really going to miss him though, I wish I could transfer into his class but the hour I have it with Obey he doesn't have a class. Everyone tells me Obey is great but I love Heeren, he's my second daddy. He actually agreed to being Kate and my second daddy one day we just stayed after and talked to him for like half hour. He's such a nice teacher and I'm really going to miss him and my long after school talks about unrelated topics.
So then I had the normal day Treble Choir (had no voice=not singing=pure torture) and then I had lunch and Jasmine took some pictures of me. One was of me doing the foot thing, where you stand on one leg and then grab the inside of your foot and stretch it all the way out and up. Everyone was really impressed about that and Jasmine took a picture of Kate and my butts and one of Jake and Kayla. Oh and one of me trying to look sexy although I'm sure I'll just look high and have a big nose because that happens in all of my pictures. So then I had Alg 2, which I was really dreading because that class always goes so slowly. Today was different though... I was a socail butterfly, talking to Dustin Marlett, Brett (some jocky guy), Rachel, Reva, almost everyone although there were like 10 people in there.
At the beginning this other teacher brought Matt Luce in (the ex that took me forever to get over, mentioned in really early blog, like 2nd one?) to take a test and when he was done he brought it over and then came back to stay with our class because he didn't want to be in his. That was funny because the teachers didn't even care. So we all goofed off and Heeren gave us suckers and I threw the last one in the bag to Matt because I don't think he got one. He thanked me and at the end of class he held the door open and he said 'hey, how's it going?' and I was shocked but I replied 'good, and u?' and he's like 'good, nice catching up' and then he left but I always thought he hated me since... since we last talked so it really made me happy to know he didn't hate me.
Then it was all over and I was suprised how fast Alg 2 went, it probably was my fastest class because I actually had fun. I walked to the band room with Susie, and Vix and who was waiting there for me, Zach. So my right arm was hooked with Susies and I put out my left arm and I think Zach was going to high five me but I put my arm around him and hugged him and then I went in the band room and dropped off my backpack and he came in and told me he had to go so I hugged him again and then he left and just about 5 minutes ago I just got done talking to him on Msn. As soon as I got home I popped on the pc and he logged on not 5 minutes later. We really wanted to do something this weekend but he works Sunday and I guess Vix and Susie scheduled my weekend. The only thing I could think of to see him would be if I went to the matinee of Radio with him Saturday and be late to Katie's party but I didn't want to be and I'm sure I'll still be with Vix and Susie so even that wouldn't work. So I have to go now because I have tons of homework (previously mentioned).
My day was so wonderful today. I thought because it was finals that I was going to be in a bad mood because I knew I wasn't going to do good on my tests. What really threw me off was the band final because we've never had one before. Ok, I'll start from the beginning of my day... it didn't start off well. I woke up to my mom screaming we slept in 15 minutes late. So it was quarter after 7 and I was just being a zombie because I'd stayed up until 2 am studying although it didn't help because I completely blanked on the test. So before school I saw Zach right away and I was too tired to comprehend anything so I only said hi and I didn't even realize it was him until I was sitting in band and five minutes later I said his name and I was like shoot. So I went to homeroom and after that got out I saw Zach and finally got to hug him and I was so happy and then we walked up to my Econ class and talked until he had to go to Geometry.
So I was pretty upset about that because we had essay questions and I had no idea but I just couldn't even concentrate because I'm sick and on pills (codine) to help with my sleeping which also make you practically dead tired if you take them and only get 5 hours of sleep. So I had a final in Band which was completely knew to me and no one got the 3rd and 4th questions which were 'write out how you'd count 16th notes in 4/4 time in syllables' and the next one was the same but for 6/8 time. Anthony wrote a word like derrr or something and Mike Hill wrote that he was in football so he didn't know.
After Band I had Economics and I just blanked like I already said. I got done with my test with enough time to complete 3 book assignments fo Alg 2 and I still have 3 more to go, about 6 worksheets and 35 pages of notes of which I have only 9.5 done... so that leaves 25.5 pages. Heeren also handed out two more sheets today and they're for the students he has next quarter and I'm going into Obeys class so he said I can do them for extra credit and I was like sweet. I'm really going to miss him though, I wish I could transfer into his class but the hour I have it with Obey he doesn't have a class. Everyone tells me Obey is great but I love Heeren, he's my second daddy. He actually agreed to being Kate and my second daddy one day we just stayed after and talked to him for like half hour. He's such a nice teacher and I'm really going to miss him and my long after school talks about unrelated topics.
So then I had the normal day Treble Choir (had no voice=not singing=pure torture) and then I had lunch and Jasmine took some pictures of me. One was of me doing the foot thing, where you stand on one leg and then grab the inside of your foot and stretch it all the way out and up. Everyone was really impressed about that and Jasmine took a picture of Kate and my butts and one of Jake and Kayla. Oh and one of me trying to look sexy although I'm sure I'll just look high and have a big nose because that happens in all of my pictures. So then I had Alg 2, which I was really dreading because that class always goes so slowly. Today was different though... I was a socail butterfly, talking to Dustin Marlett, Brett (some jocky guy), Rachel, Reva, almost everyone although there were like 10 people in there.
At the beginning this other teacher brought Matt Luce in (the ex that took me forever to get over, mentioned in really early blog, like 2nd one?) to take a test and when he was done he brought it over and then came back to stay with our class because he didn't want to be in his. That was funny because the teachers didn't even care. So we all goofed off and Heeren gave us suckers and I threw the last one in the bag to Matt because I don't think he got one. He thanked me and at the end of class he held the door open and he said 'hey, how's it going?' and I was shocked but I replied 'good, and u?' and he's like 'good, nice catching up' and then he left but I always thought he hated me since... since we last talked so it really made me happy to know he didn't hate me.
Then it was all over and I was suprised how fast Alg 2 went, it probably was my fastest class because I actually had fun. I walked to the band room with Susie, and Vix and who was waiting there for me, Zach. So my right arm was hooked with Susies and I put out my left arm and I think Zach was going to high five me but I put my arm around him and hugged him and then I went in the band room and dropped off my backpack and he came in and told me he had to go so I hugged him again and then he left and just about 5 minutes ago I just got done talking to him on Msn. As soon as I got home I popped on the pc and he logged on not 5 minutes later. We really wanted to do something this weekend but he works Sunday and I guess Vix and Susie scheduled my weekend. The only thing I could think of to see him would be if I went to the matinee of Radio with him Saturday and be late to Katie's party but I didn't want to be and I'm sure I'll still be with Vix and Susie so even that wouldn't work. So I have to go now because I have tons of homework (previously mentioned).
Mandy ~ 5:34 PM
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
Feelings I Can't Describe
Never have I ever been at a loss for the feelings I'm having. This one I'm having right now is a big mix of indifference, happyness, weariness, excitement, anticipation, and dread. The indifference is over a fight I had with this guy earlier... the whole thing was much overworked and just a stupid topic. The happyness is all because of Zach and at the same time so is the weariness, and part of the dread. It's so good and I've only known him 4 days and I've never felt this way about anyone. I'm so scared because the feelings I'm having are so strong for him and I like it but at the same time it scares me so badly. Ok, we had this conversation over Msn last night and it was just... I never thought I could feel so... and convey my feelings... here just read it:
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
and just all the stuff i can tell u and not have to worry and i have nerver felt that way with ne even with tricia fo how long i went out with her
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
its really wierd but it is a really good feeling
~Mandy~ says:
same with you, i've always doubted telling anyone anything, always had that fear of the potential hurt they could cause me i know
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
i cant explian it at all
~Mandy~ says:
it's wierd, confusing, and good
~Mandy~ says:
all at once
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
yeah
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
wow
~Mandy~ says:
i just got the feeling
~Mandy~ says:
it just happened
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
what feeling
~Mandy~ says:
just earlier
~Mandy~ says:
that feeling
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
the one we cant explain
~Mandy~ says:
yea
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
yeah
~Mandy~ says:
it just came over me when i really realized
~Mandy~ says:
really thought about this
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
...
~Mandy~ says:
...
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
oh i thoiught u were gonna say something after that
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
what did u realize
~Mandy~ says:
no, just when i really thought about you and me, how we met, how we just clicked
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
ah
~Mandy~ says:
idk what i realized but it's something i've never had before
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
yeah same here
~Mandy~ says:
it's freaking me out, not in a bad way but is it for you too?
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
yeah
~Mandy~ says:
does this really happen?
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
but i feels good so
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
idk
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
idk it just did
~Mandy~ says:
that's how it was
~Mandy~ says:
3 days and it just did
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
yeah
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
like mabye we are kinda
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
idk how to say it
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
right for eachother mabye
~Mandy~ says:
that's how it feels
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
idk it is a really wierd feeling
~Mandy~ says:
like however wierd it is, it's right
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
yeah
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
wow
~Mandy~ says:
yea, wow, is right
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
thogugh just keep going through my head
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
like all of u to
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
thoughts
~Mandy~ says:
i want to be there
~Mandy~ says:
and not physically
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
?
~Mandy~ says:
both ways
~Mandy~ says:
not just physically*
~Mandy~ says:
i feel drawn
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
what do u mean
~Mandy~ says:
to you
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
yeah i feel the same way bout u
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
and i just the greatest feeling i get]
~Mandy~ says:
this is the greatest feeling
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
i know
~Mandy~ says:
how?
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
?
~Mandy~ says:
it doesn't matter
~Mandy~ says:
i just
~Mandy~ says:
it's unexplainable
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
like how is it the greatest feeling
~Mandy~ says:
like how it happened
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
it is unexplainable
~Mandy~ says:
and it isn't just my tummy that's all jumpy, it's me
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
yeah it's all over
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
its like the perfect feeling
~Mandy~ says:
i know
~Mandy~ says:
and i just... i can't even express it
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
i know
~Mandy~ says:
i'm so tired and i don't want to sleep
~Mandy~ says:
i don't think i can
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
ill be thinking to much
~Mandy~ says:
same here
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
it feeling like electricity is going through my body again and again
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
one person has overtaken my mind
~Mandy~ says:
same here
~Mandy~ says:
get out, jk
~Mandy~ says:
stay there
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
lol
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
i cant stop moving
~Mandy~ says:
i can't even type anything
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
im so happy right now
~Mandy~ says:
hehe
~Mandy~ says:
YEA
~Mandy~ says:
hehe
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
HA HA HA HA HA AHA HA IM SO HAPPY
~Mandy~ says:
YAY
~Mandy~ says:
i can't stop laughing
~Mandy~ says:
i'm going to wake someone up
~Mandy~ says:
and i don't care
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
we cant help having this feeling
~Mandy~ says:
and i don't want to help it, i'm glad it's just there
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
i never want it to go away
~Mandy~ says:
me either
~Mandy~ says:
please make it stay
~Mandy~ says:
i officially call this the best conversation i've ever had
~Mandy~ says:
and most of it is screaming
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
sam here
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
yeah
~Mandy~ says:
wow
~Mandy~ says:
after this we're going to have to count how many times we wrote wow
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
lol wow
~Mandy~ says:
wow wow wow wowity wow wow
~Mandy~ says:
haha
~Mandy~ says:
wowity?
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
wowity thats a new one
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
lol
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
wow
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
im definatally not going to beable to sleep
~Mandy~ says:
me either
~Mandy~ says:
i'm so wide awake
~Mandy~ says:
i think it's raining
~Mandy~ says:
running around in the rain sounds like fun
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
with u
~Mandy~ says:
yes
~Mandy~ says:
i mean, with me, well with myself and you
~Mandy~ says:
hehe
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
yeah
~Mandy~ says:
my face is going to be hurting tomorrow
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
perminate smile and laughing will do that
~Mandy~ says:
i need some sleep, but i can't
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
i wont beable to
~Mandy~ says:
it's impossible
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
yeah
~Mandy~ says:
what are we going to do?
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
i have no clue
~Mandy~ says:
does it matter?
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
no
So I just copied over a chunk of the convo. Ok, you're like wow, that's a lot... it wasn't even half the convo. We started talking at 10 and ended at 2 am. Before that we were on the phone until both of mine went dead. I'm so scared he's going to hurt me. At the same time I know I've hurt one of my closest friends and he's hurting very much and all I want to do is make it better but with this whole thing with Zach, idk what to do but I'm going to go.
Never have I ever been at a loss for the feelings I'm having. This one I'm having right now is a big mix of indifference, happyness, weariness, excitement, anticipation, and dread. The indifference is over a fight I had with this guy earlier... the whole thing was much overworked and just a stupid topic. The happyness is all because of Zach and at the same time so is the weariness, and part of the dread. It's so good and I've only known him 4 days and I've never felt this way about anyone. I'm so scared because the feelings I'm having are so strong for him and I like it but at the same time it scares me so badly. Ok, we had this conversation over Msn last night and it was just... I never thought I could feel so... and convey my feelings... here just read it:
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
and just all the stuff i can tell u and not have to worry and i have nerver felt that way with ne even with tricia fo how long i went out with her
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
its really wierd but it is a really good feeling
~Mandy~ says:
same with you, i've always doubted telling anyone anything, always had that fear of the potential hurt they could cause me i know
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
i cant explian it at all
~Mandy~ says:
it's wierd, confusing, and good
~Mandy~ says:
all at once
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
yeah
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
wow
~Mandy~ says:
i just got the feeling
~Mandy~ says:
it just happened
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
what feeling
~Mandy~ says:
just earlier
~Mandy~ says:
that feeling
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
the one we cant explain
~Mandy~ says:
yea
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
yeah
~Mandy~ says:
it just came over me when i really realized
~Mandy~ says:
really thought about this
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
...
~Mandy~ says:
...
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
oh i thoiught u were gonna say something after that
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
what did u realize
~Mandy~ says:
no, just when i really thought about you and me, how we met, how we just clicked
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
ah
~Mandy~ says:
idk what i realized but it's something i've never had before
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
yeah same here
~Mandy~ says:
it's freaking me out, not in a bad way but is it for you too?
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
yeah
~Mandy~ says:
does this really happen?
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
but i feels good so
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
idk
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
idk it just did
~Mandy~ says:
that's how it was
~Mandy~ says:
3 days and it just did
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
yeah
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
like mabye we are kinda
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
idk how to say it
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
right for eachother mabye
~Mandy~ says:
that's how it feels
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
idk it is a really wierd feeling
~Mandy~ says:
like however wierd it is, it's right
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
yeah
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
wow
~Mandy~ says:
yea, wow, is right
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
thogugh just keep going through my head
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
like all of u to
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
thoughts
~Mandy~ says:
i want to be there
~Mandy~ says:
and not physically
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
?
~Mandy~ says:
both ways
~Mandy~ says:
not just physically*
~Mandy~ says:
i feel drawn
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
what do u mean
~Mandy~ says:
to you
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
yeah i feel the same way bout u
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
and i just the greatest feeling i get]
~Mandy~ says:
this is the greatest feeling
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
i know
~Mandy~ says:
how?
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
?
~Mandy~ says:
it doesn't matter
~Mandy~ says:
i just
~Mandy~ says:
it's unexplainable
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
like how is it the greatest feeling
~Mandy~ says:
like how it happened
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
it is unexplainable
~Mandy~ says:
and it isn't just my tummy that's all jumpy, it's me
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
yeah it's all over
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
its like the perfect feeling
~Mandy~ says:
i know
~Mandy~ says:
and i just... i can't even express it
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
i know
~Mandy~ says:
i'm so tired and i don't want to sleep
~Mandy~ says:
i don't think i can
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
ill be thinking to much
~Mandy~ says:
same here
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
it feeling like electricity is going through my body again and again
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
one person has overtaken my mind
~Mandy~ says:
same here
~Mandy~ says:
get out, jk
~Mandy~ says:
stay there
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
lol
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
i cant stop moving
~Mandy~ says:
i can't even type anything
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
im so happy right now
~Mandy~ says:
hehe
~Mandy~ says:
YEA
~Mandy~ says:
hehe
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
HA HA HA HA HA AHA HA IM SO HAPPY
~Mandy~ says:
YAY
~Mandy~ says:
i can't stop laughing
~Mandy~ says:
i'm going to wake someone up
~Mandy~ says:
and i don't care
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
we cant help having this feeling
~Mandy~ says:
and i don't want to help it, i'm glad it's just there
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
i never want it to go away
~Mandy~ says:
me either
~Mandy~ says:
please make it stay
~Mandy~ says:
i officially call this the best conversation i've ever had
~Mandy~ says:
and most of it is screaming
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
sam here
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
yeah
~Mandy~ says:
wow
~Mandy~ says:
after this we're going to have to count how many times we wrote wow
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
lol wow
~Mandy~ says:
wow wow wow wowity wow wow
~Mandy~ says:
haha
~Mandy~ says:
wowity?
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
wowity thats a new one
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
lol
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
wow
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
im definatally not going to beable to sleep
~Mandy~ says:
me either
~Mandy~ says:
i'm so wide awake
~Mandy~ says:
i think it's raining
~Mandy~ says:
running around in the rain sounds like fun
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
with u
~Mandy~ says:
yes
~Mandy~ says:
i mean, with me, well with myself and you
~Mandy~ says:
hehe
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
yeah
~Mandy~ says:
my face is going to be hurting tomorrow
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
perminate smile and laughing will do that
~Mandy~ says:
i need some sleep, but i can't
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
i wont beable to
~Mandy~ says:
it's impossible
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
yeah
~Mandy~ says:
what are we going to do?
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
i have no clue
~Mandy~ says:
does it matter?
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
no
So I just copied over a chunk of the convo. Ok, you're like wow, that's a lot... it wasn't even half the convo. We started talking at 10 and ended at 2 am. Before that we were on the phone until both of mine went dead. I'm so scared he's going to hurt me. At the same time I know I've hurt one of my closest friends and he's hurting very much and all I want to do is make it better but with this whole thing with Zach, idk what to do but I'm going to go.
Mandy ~ 11:12 PM
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
Never Write In Blog When Mad
One of my Amanda lessons... As you can tell I just came up with that recently because there are quite a few previous blogs that involve anger towards someone or something. Yesterday the Amanda lesson was 'Never drink milk and cough at the same time'. If you do the evil will make you spill your milk or at least choke on it and look like a dumbass. Good thing I learned that lesson while at home. Ok, so I'm going to try to make daily Amanda lessons, or at least weekly ones. I have a feeling tomorrows is going to be something to do with singing in French. I just have a feel for these things. Well after school I was supposed to meet up with Zach and talk to him and look at some pictures of his baby sister and I thought he completely ignored me because he walked right past me twice. I had Heather as my witness but he came online and told me he couldn't find me and that he actually went into the band room to find me and I wasn't in there... duh, I was in the hall looking for him. How stupid can we seriously be? So I was eating a grapefruit and my mom just made food so I guess I have to eat. *rolls eyes* I didn't even finish my grapefruit. Another thing... Jasmine might go out with Jared again... I wish the best for them. So Zach told me he drew me a picture of roses during school and it made me feel good although he won't even do his speech that was due like two days ago. He called me after school, after talking on Msn for half hour and we talked for a little while and then my mom forced me off the phone. Ben's bringing Stacy over to eat with us so I'd better go.
One of my Amanda lessons... As you can tell I just came up with that recently because there are quite a few previous blogs that involve anger towards someone or something. Yesterday the Amanda lesson was 'Never drink milk and cough at the same time'. If you do the evil will make you spill your milk or at least choke on it and look like a dumbass. Good thing I learned that lesson while at home. Ok, so I'm going to try to make daily Amanda lessons, or at least weekly ones. I have a feeling tomorrows is going to be something to do with singing in French. I just have a feel for these things. Well after school I was supposed to meet up with Zach and talk to him and look at some pictures of his baby sister and I thought he completely ignored me because he walked right past me twice. I had Heather as my witness but he came online and told me he couldn't find me and that he actually went into the band room to find me and I wasn't in there... duh, I was in the hall looking for him. How stupid can we seriously be? So I was eating a grapefruit and my mom just made food so I guess I have to eat. *rolls eyes* I didn't even finish my grapefruit. Another thing... Jasmine might go out with Jared again... I wish the best for them. So Zach told me he drew me a picture of roses during school and it made me feel good although he won't even do his speech that was due like two days ago. He called me after school, after talking on Msn for half hour and we talked for a little while and then my mom forced me off the phone. Ben's bringing Stacy over to eat with us so I'd better go.
Mandy ~ 5:46 PM
Mmmm, Icecream
Ok, so yes, it's 12:30 on a school night and I'm awake talking to Zach Farris on Msn. I just got off the phone because both of them went dead. At first I was playing musical phones and I switched about 3 times between phones because one would go dead and I'd hang it up on the hook to charge and grab the other phone. I can't believe it worked for three times. We talked for 3 hours but the black phone is dying and both of the batteries are dying in each phone. Zach is so funny and we have so much in common. Haha, we just said something about that...
right now~ says:
putting penut butter on crackers
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
i will
And All I Can Taste is This Moment, And All I Can Breathe is Your Life says:
oh, nice
And All I Can Taste is This Moment, And All I Can Breathe is Your Life says:
like what kind of crackers
And All I Can Taste is This Moment, And All I Can Breathe is Your Life says:
i always have peanut butter on those saltine crackers
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
salteins
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
lol
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
wow
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
crazy
And All I Can Taste is This Moment, And All I Can Breathe is Your Life says:
haha
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
there's one more thing
We're talking about starting a list of things we have in common... it would be very long. If you noticed our names are the halves of the same verse to the song Iris like I previously mentioned... just reminding you although I'm sure no one really cares. So I don't have a whole lot else to talk about unless I elaborate on the details of our phone conversation earlier and I'm sure all who reads this is already sick of hearing about him.
Ok, so yes, it's 12:30 on a school night and I'm awake talking to Zach Farris on Msn. I just got off the phone because both of them went dead. At first I was playing musical phones and I switched about 3 times between phones because one would go dead and I'd hang it up on the hook to charge and grab the other phone. I can't believe it worked for three times. We talked for 3 hours but the black phone is dying and both of the batteries are dying in each phone. Zach is so funny and we have so much in common. Haha, we just said something about that...
right now~ says:
putting penut butter on crackers
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
i will
And All I Can Taste is This Moment, And All I Can Breathe is Your Life says:
oh, nice
And All I Can Taste is This Moment, And All I Can Breathe is Your Life says:
like what kind of crackers
And All I Can Taste is This Moment, And All I Can Breathe is Your Life says:
i always have peanut butter on those saltine crackers
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
salteins
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
lol
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
wow
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
crazy
And All I Can Taste is This Moment, And All I Can Breathe is Your Life says:
haha
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And i dont want to go home right now~ says:
there's one more thing
We're talking about starting a list of things we have in common... it would be very long. If you noticed our names are the halves of the same verse to the song Iris like I previously mentioned... just reminding you although I'm sure no one really cares. So I don't have a whole lot else to talk about unless I elaborate on the details of our phone conversation earlier and I'm sure all who reads this is already sick of hearing about him.
Mandy ~ 12:43 AM
Monday, October 27, 2003
Singing...
I just talked to Zach Farris for about 5 minutes and we didn't say a whole lot but he made me feel so much better. Today I woke up and I couldn't breathe, my throat was sore and I just felt like crap. I took some medicine and went to school hoping it'd get better but about an hour or so before lunch my cold suddenly felt like the flu. I went through treble choir with the worst stomach ache and I felt like I had to throw up so badly. The thing is I don't vomit... it just doesn't happen. I have no gag reflexes and I haven't vomited since 7th grade and everytime I've felt like I've had to since I couldn't. So Jasmine and Kayla walked me to the sports office so I could lay down but I really thought I was going to get sick so we got in there and I practically begged them. "Oh, please, I don't want to get sick here. I want to go home, I can't get sick here" and the office lady looked at me and she's like "Go to the other office and sign out" so I did and then I waited like 10 minutes although it only takes 5 minutes to get here. So I don't have a lot of time left but I went home, took off my clothes and laid on the floor (I never said I was normal) and I actually fell asleep for a few minutes and then I put some pjs on and took out my contacts and I just woke up like an hour ago. I'm coughing more but after eating a whole thing of sodium crackers my stomach is doing a lot better. Well I have to go call Zach now but maybe I'll write more later if I have time after my homework.
P.S. The title... didn't even explain it... well Zach and my name are two halves to one verse of the song Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls and we typed the consecutive verses like we were singing to each other.
I just talked to Zach Farris for about 5 minutes and we didn't say a whole lot but he made me feel so much better. Today I woke up and I couldn't breathe, my throat was sore and I just felt like crap. I took some medicine and went to school hoping it'd get better but about an hour or so before lunch my cold suddenly felt like the flu. I went through treble choir with the worst stomach ache and I felt like I had to throw up so badly. The thing is I don't vomit... it just doesn't happen. I have no gag reflexes and I haven't vomited since 7th grade and everytime I've felt like I've had to since I couldn't. So Jasmine and Kayla walked me to the sports office so I could lay down but I really thought I was going to get sick so we got in there and I practically begged them. "Oh, please, I don't want to get sick here. I want to go home, I can't get sick here" and the office lady looked at me and she's like "Go to the other office and sign out" so I did and then I waited like 10 minutes although it only takes 5 minutes to get here. So I don't have a lot of time left but I went home, took off my clothes and laid on the floor (I never said I was normal) and I actually fell asleep for a few minutes and then I put some pjs on and took out my contacts and I just woke up like an hour ago. I'm coughing more but after eating a whole thing of sodium crackers my stomach is doing a lot better. Well I have to go call Zach now but maybe I'll write more later if I have time after my homework.
P.S. The title... didn't even explain it... well Zach and my name are two halves to one verse of the song Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls and we typed the consecutive verses like we were singing to each other.
Mandy ~ 5:51 PM
Sunday, October 26, 2003
Need to Write
People keep telling me I haven't written for a while and I haven't compared to how much I usually write but other friends write like once a week usually so I don't see what the big deal is. So Friday night I went bowling with Emily, Heather, Susie, Barbain, Anthony, Kate, Chris, Kevin, and Tj. Sorry if I left anyone out because there were quite a few people there. I also saw Josh Russel and we flirted quite a bit but it's just one of those things that happens when you're single I guess. I'd never go out with him because he's really immature.
So... Heather and I aren't fighting anymore. We talked and resolved everything so it's all good again. Zack Baron (you'll know why I used his full name in a minute) e-mailed me about stuff but nothing in great detail. I wouldn't even consider us friends anymore but just acquaintences. Then last night I was talking to Mike Hill, and I think I saved the convo... nope. So as I was saying... I was talking to Mike Hill last night and he said he was low so I told him to go eat something with sugar (first I messed up and said he should take a shot and he said that would make it worse). So he left and a minute later I received a tell that said something like...
*Mike's MSN name*says:
heeeeelooo i'm zach
and then I completely bit his head off and said 'nice try, if you were really zack he would've spelt every other word except his own name wrong' and he was like what? I'm Zach Farris and I was like ohhhhh. So then we got to talking and we found out we have a lot in common. I'm actually talking to him online again. Well I don't know what else to say so I'll guess until some more shit happens bye.
People keep telling me I haven't written for a while and I haven't compared to how much I usually write but other friends write like once a week usually so I don't see what the big deal is. So Friday night I went bowling with Emily, Heather, Susie, Barbain, Anthony, Kate, Chris, Kevin, and Tj. Sorry if I left anyone out because there were quite a few people there. I also saw Josh Russel and we flirted quite a bit but it's just one of those things that happens when you're single I guess. I'd never go out with him because he's really immature.
So... Heather and I aren't fighting anymore. We talked and resolved everything so it's all good again. Zack Baron (you'll know why I used his full name in a minute) e-mailed me about stuff but nothing in great detail. I wouldn't even consider us friends anymore but just acquaintences. Then last night I was talking to Mike Hill, and I think I saved the convo... nope. So as I was saying... I was talking to Mike Hill last night and he said he was low so I told him to go eat something with sugar (first I messed up and said he should take a shot and he said that would make it worse). So he left and a minute later I received a tell that said something like...
*Mike's MSN name*says:
heeeeelooo i'm zach
and then I completely bit his head off and said 'nice try, if you were really zack he would've spelt every other word except his own name wrong' and he was like what? I'm Zach Farris and I was like ohhhhh. So then we got to talking and we found out we have a lot in common. I'm actually talking to him online again. Well I don't know what else to say so I'll guess until some more shit happens bye.
Mandy ~ 4:28 PM
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
Yup, That's Nice
I really don't care that Heather called me a hipocrit because I just don't care. Lately I've been giving a whole of a fuck lot less about shit. The only reason I wrote about her in my blogger was that I guess if she wrote about me why can't I write about her? Oh and me writing about her was a complete pun against her writing about me. I'm not stupid enough to be hipocrit without realizing it. What does she care if she goes and only writes nasty things about me and I say a few things back about her? If people are going to keep bitching I'll just ignore them... simple as that. I've noticed something... Heathers last 6 blogs are all about me. Doesn't she have anything else to write about? Oh well, thanks for putting me at the center of your attention. So tomorrow night I get to see Jason and I haven't seen him in a long time so I'm going to be happy. Then Friday night Chris invited me to go bowling and I'm considering it. Ok now I'm definitely going because Ben's kicking me off the pc and I have homework to do but he doesn't care, as usual.
I really don't care that Heather called me a hipocrit because I just don't care. Lately I've been giving a whole of a fuck lot less about shit. The only reason I wrote about her in my blogger was that I guess if she wrote about me why can't I write about her? Oh and me writing about her was a complete pun against her writing about me. I'm not stupid enough to be hipocrit without realizing it. What does she care if she goes and only writes nasty things about me and I say a few things back about her? If people are going to keep bitching I'll just ignore them... simple as that. I've noticed something... Heathers last 6 blogs are all about me. Doesn't she have anything else to write about? Oh well, thanks for putting me at the center of your attention. So tomorrow night I get to see Jason and I haven't seen him in a long time so I'm going to be happy. Then Friday night Chris invited me to go bowling and I'm considering it. Ok now I'm definitely going because Ben's kicking me off the pc and I have homework to do but he doesn't care, as usual.
Mandy ~ 7:59 PM
Time to Sleep
Time to let everything go and forget all my responsibilities... I wish. Well I haven't heard from Zack in 2 days and I don't expect him to e-mail me every day and I'm also sure that the last e-mail I wrote him made him feel worse. Oh well, if he wants to be mad for me speaking my feelings then I don't think he wants to know them even though he claims we are friends. Katie broke up with Anthony, Nichole broke up with Will, Zack cut off our "relationship"... it doesn't seem like a whole lot of couples are together. Actually since last night Jasmine and I decided we are going out. Jasmine called me from Madison on her cell phone and we talked a little while. We decided although we're straight that guys suck and we should give up, at least for a while. I'm just happy I have great friends like Jasmine, and Chris to help me with this. I'm going to go do my homework though.
Time to let everything go and forget all my responsibilities... I wish. Well I haven't heard from Zack in 2 days and I don't expect him to e-mail me every day and I'm also sure that the last e-mail I wrote him made him feel worse. Oh well, if he wants to be mad for me speaking my feelings then I don't think he wants to know them even though he claims we are friends. Katie broke up with Anthony, Nichole broke up with Will, Zack cut off our "relationship"... it doesn't seem like a whole lot of couples are together. Actually since last night Jasmine and I decided we are going out. Jasmine called me from Madison on her cell phone and we talked a little while. We decided although we're straight that guys suck and we should give up, at least for a while. I'm just happy I have great friends like Jasmine, and Chris to help me with this. I'm going to go do my homework though.
Mandy ~ 5:32 PM
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
I Just Love Screwing Myself Over
Well it's safe to say the second boot has swung down and I'm feeling its wrath. Ashley, Kate, and Heather are all on my case and I can't handle it. I don't want to do anything right now... I kind of want to hide away somewhere and just cry. I want to be alone and not let any biased people tell me what THEY think. Ashley for one if I'm the one you say acts like your mom I guess you do too because I just want alone time and if you say you never want that it's a flat out lie. Zack felt bad about the position he put me in with my friends but it was never his fault. I think it was me trying to have some happyness in my life and for a moment he was there to give it to me and now I'm suffering for it. If anything thank you Zack for letting me be happy for a little while. I'm sure knowing my luck Zack probably "lost his feelings" for me because he met another girl. I really wouldn't doubt it and I wouldn't blame him either because it is typical. I'm starting to get really depressing so I'm going.
Well it's safe to say the second boot has swung down and I'm feeling its wrath. Ashley, Kate, and Heather are all on my case and I can't handle it. I don't want to do anything right now... I kind of want to hide away somewhere and just cry. I want to be alone and not let any biased people tell me what THEY think. Ashley for one if I'm the one you say acts like your mom I guess you do too because I just want alone time and if you say you never want that it's a flat out lie. Zack felt bad about the position he put me in with my friends but it was never his fault. I think it was me trying to have some happyness in my life and for a moment he was there to give it to me and now I'm suffering for it. If anything thank you Zack for letting me be happy for a little while. I'm sure knowing my luck Zack probably "lost his feelings" for me because he met another girl. I really wouldn't doubt it and I wouldn't blame him either because it is typical. I'm starting to get really depressing so I'm going.
Mandy ~ 9:01 PM
I Feel So...
Used is the first word that comes to mind. Then I want to be mad for him doing it to me but I can't because he's so nice and he did it in such a polite way but that's even prickier. I just want to be mad because I'm the one who got screwed over... not him. He said it so obviously it was a relief to him to tell me. I know it all too well because I'm always the one who does the dumping. In fact I've never been dumped and I don't count this because we weren't going out to begin with. It's definitely rejection but that was bound to happen. Ang gave me his picture today and he wrote on the back 'I will always be your friend. Your such a great friend.' Although it's you're but it doesn't really matter anyway. He hurt me and that's about all there is to it. Last time I've had an official boyfriend was last prom, which was about 6 months ago.
I've realized that all that happens with these relationships is you like someone and then you go out with them and end up either hating them or never really talking to them. The only ex I still talk to is... well none of them and that's probably because I broke up with them. It was funny because Scott, the guy I broke up with prom night has a new girlfriend and Kate met her at the bowling alley and told me she was asking if Kate was Jeff's girlfriend because she knew one of the sisters was the 'evil bitch that broke up with Scott at prom'. Haha, I laugh at that because I can see him and her referring to me as that.
Well after school today my mom took me to JcPennys and I got a new pair of sketchers, pair of jeans, and two shirts. We weren't there that long but I didn't really like anything they had. They didn't have a whole lot of sketchers either but I got a pair that ended up being half size smaller than the last pair I got, which is weird because your feet are supposed to get bigger. The shoes I just bought I can also slip out of really easily without bending them in any way. I was really hoping Jasmine was going to call me tonight because I told her to call me after school today and she said she would. She's in Chicago for debate and I hope her competition goes well. Right now I'm listening to a song I just downloaded called "White Flag" by Dido. It's really nice and depressing. Well I have to go to finally do my paper that's due tomorrow that I haven't started yet. I also have my treble choir concert tomorrow. For one song "Do You Believe in Magic" we're dancing to choreography Kayla Dotter made up that's really good. We're signing two other songs about god and it's really annoying because they're supposed to keep religion and school separate but they don't.
P.S. Yes, I know the title is also a Box Car Racer song as well... it was completely intentional. 'Sometimes I wish I was brave, wish I was stronger, wish I could feel no pain'... 'Cause I feel so mad, I feel so angry, I feel so calloused, so lost, confused again, I feel so cheap, so used, unfaithful, lets start over'. Last time I listened to this song was... at least two years ago.
Used is the first word that comes to mind. Then I want to be mad for him doing it to me but I can't because he's so nice and he did it in such a polite way but that's even prickier. I just want to be mad because I'm the one who got screwed over... not him. He said it so obviously it was a relief to him to tell me. I know it all too well because I'm always the one who does the dumping. In fact I've never been dumped and I don't count this because we weren't going out to begin with. It's definitely rejection but that was bound to happen. Ang gave me his picture today and he wrote on the back 'I will always be your friend. Your such a great friend.' Although it's you're but it doesn't really matter anyway. He hurt me and that's about all there is to it. Last time I've had an official boyfriend was last prom, which was about 6 months ago.
I've realized that all that happens with these relationships is you like someone and then you go out with them and end up either hating them or never really talking to them. The only ex I still talk to is... well none of them and that's probably because I broke up with them. It was funny because Scott, the guy I broke up with prom night has a new girlfriend and Kate met her at the bowling alley and told me she was asking if Kate was Jeff's girlfriend because she knew one of the sisters was the 'evil bitch that broke up with Scott at prom'. Haha, I laugh at that because I can see him and her referring to me as that.
Well after school today my mom took me to JcPennys and I got a new pair of sketchers, pair of jeans, and two shirts. We weren't there that long but I didn't really like anything they had. They didn't have a whole lot of sketchers either but I got a pair that ended up being half size smaller than the last pair I got, which is weird because your feet are supposed to get bigger. The shoes I just bought I can also slip out of really easily without bending them in any way. I was really hoping Jasmine was going to call me tonight because I told her to call me after school today and she said she would. She's in Chicago for debate and I hope her competition goes well. Right now I'm listening to a song I just downloaded called "White Flag" by Dido. It's really nice and depressing. Well I have to go to finally do my paper that's due tomorrow that I haven't started yet. I also have my treble choir concert tomorrow. For one song "Do You Believe in Magic" we're dancing to choreography Kayla Dotter made up that's really good. We're signing two other songs about god and it's really annoying because they're supposed to keep religion and school separate but they don't.
P.S. Yes, I know the title is also a Box Car Racer song as well... it was completely intentional. 'Sometimes I wish I was brave, wish I was stronger, wish I could feel no pain'... 'Cause I feel so mad, I feel so angry, I feel so calloused, so lost, confused again, I feel so cheap, so used, unfaithful, lets start over'. Last time I listened to this song was... at least two years ago.
Mandy ~ 6:22 PM
Monday, October 20, 2003
Why is There Such a Word as Perfect?
Nothing is perfect and for anyone to say that it is is them proclaiming their ignorance. Obviously you can tell from the title and the first line I'm not in the best mood but I guess it was to be expected sometime. There are no such things as Santa Clause, the easter bunny, unicorns, or leprichauns and most definitely happyness can never be endless. I hate being nostalgic but it's inevitable if there were times in your past that were such sweet memories. I'm pretty sure that's what bittersweet means... nostaglia is definitely a bittersweet thing because it's a longing for the past and obviously remembering the memories and how great they were is bitter but knowing you had those times, the memories, being able to remember them is a sweet thing. Well I'm going to go and I was going to delete the past entries that had anything to do with Zack in them but I've realized by doing so it's trying to delete the memories and the documentation of them and even if I don't feel them anymore I'll leave them up. Like that wasn't the biggest hint in the world.
Nothing is perfect and for anyone to say that it is is them proclaiming their ignorance. Obviously you can tell from the title and the first line I'm not in the best mood but I guess it was to be expected sometime. There are no such things as Santa Clause, the easter bunny, unicorns, or leprichauns and most definitely happyness can never be endless. I hate being nostalgic but it's inevitable if there were times in your past that were such sweet memories. I'm pretty sure that's what bittersweet means... nostaglia is definitely a bittersweet thing because it's a longing for the past and obviously remembering the memories and how great they were is bitter but knowing you had those times, the memories, being able to remember them is a sweet thing. Well I'm going to go and I was going to delete the past entries that had anything to do with Zack in them but I've realized by doing so it's trying to delete the memories and the documentation of them and even if I don't feel them anymore I'll leave them up. Like that wasn't the biggest hint in the world.
Mandy ~ 7:20 PM
Sunday, October 19, 2003
Time
So many things I could write in correlation to my title. Basically one is that this weekend just flew by... Friday night I went to see Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Saturday I worked the whole day at the rental house, and Sunday *sigh* the best day of them all. I got home from Zacks about half an hour ago. First I was upstairs with him and Ang watching the Packer game and then Marc came for the second half. During half time I went outside with Zack, his dad and mom, and Ang and we played football for like 2 plays and then Ang and Mrs. Baron went to meet up with Marc because he didn't know how to get to their house so it was just Mr. Baron, Zack, and me throwing around the ball and then I ducked out because I suck at football although Mr. Baron said I was good I know he was just being nice. So then we went back in and watched the second half of the Packer game and we weren't too happy that we lost but then we went out in the hot tub. Hehe, the hot tub. Nothing bad happened we just all goofed off and I flirted with Zack but that was the extent of that.
So then either it was Ang or Marc that said we should go swimming so we got out and were cold but we still wanted to go. Marc didn't want to take his car so he drove big red, this Chevy truck that Mr. Baron uses to haul wood. It's great because it stalls and kicks out and you have to go within a certain mph so it'll die. So we went down to the boat landing and we're like hmmm, the water's freezing and about as far as any of us went in was knee deep because your feet went numb after a few seconds. We even only went in knee deep (Zack and me) because he had his back turned and I pushed him and he grabbed me but we didn't go in. Marc was really pushing us to just go in and we all decided it wasn't worth the chance of getting pneumonia. So then we all hopped in the front (on the way there Ang and I sat in the back and we talked) and we headed back. Zack and Ang were telling Marc where to go to try and purposely make the truck die on the road and even though Marc went up and down the hill it amazingly didn't die.
So we got back to the house and got back into dry clothes and watched Scary Movie and through the most part I sat in the recliner and Zack laid on the couch but after so long we both got on the couch and before then Marc left (around quarter to 7). Then we watched the beginning of the Bangers Sisters and I got comfy with Zack on the couch and then his mom came by with the rabbit and talked about how she couldn't get the two rabbits because they were female and the owner didn't know if they were pregnant and Zacks mom understandably didn't want to be stuck with that right now so they're going to try to find another rabbit for Zack because his died a little while ago.
Part of the time we were in the hot tub Mr. Baron came out and video taped us and took some poloroids. He took one of Ang and me on the weight machines and one of Zack and me and one of Ang and Marc. I fought over the picture of Zack and me with Zack because he wanted to see it and I was smirking and he saw it because he was in the recliner and I was trying to keep my balance without hurting him and I accidentally did and he was like "oww" and he grabbed the picture when I let my guard down and I asked him if I hurt him and he's like "Not too bad". Well It's already 8:30 and I haven't started my paper yet so I'm going to go do that after I take out my contacts, hehe, procrastination.
So many things I could write in correlation to my title. Basically one is that this weekend just flew by... Friday night I went to see Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Saturday I worked the whole day at the rental house, and Sunday *sigh* the best day of them all. I got home from Zacks about half an hour ago. First I was upstairs with him and Ang watching the Packer game and then Marc came for the second half. During half time I went outside with Zack, his dad and mom, and Ang and we played football for like 2 plays and then Ang and Mrs. Baron went to meet up with Marc because he didn't know how to get to their house so it was just Mr. Baron, Zack, and me throwing around the ball and then I ducked out because I suck at football although Mr. Baron said I was good I know he was just being nice. So then we went back in and watched the second half of the Packer game and we weren't too happy that we lost but then we went out in the hot tub. Hehe, the hot tub. Nothing bad happened we just all goofed off and I flirted with Zack but that was the extent of that.
So then either it was Ang or Marc that said we should go swimming so we got out and were cold but we still wanted to go. Marc didn't want to take his car so he drove big red, this Chevy truck that Mr. Baron uses to haul wood. It's great because it stalls and kicks out and you have to go within a certain mph so it'll die. So we went down to the boat landing and we're like hmmm, the water's freezing and about as far as any of us went in was knee deep because your feet went numb after a few seconds. We even only went in knee deep (Zack and me) because he had his back turned and I pushed him and he grabbed me but we didn't go in. Marc was really pushing us to just go in and we all decided it wasn't worth the chance of getting pneumonia. So then we all hopped in the front (on the way there Ang and I sat in the back and we talked) and we headed back. Zack and Ang were telling Marc where to go to try and purposely make the truck die on the road and even though Marc went up and down the hill it amazingly didn't die.
So we got back to the house and got back into dry clothes and watched Scary Movie and through the most part I sat in the recliner and Zack laid on the couch but after so long we both got on the couch and before then Marc left (around quarter to 7). Then we watched the beginning of the Bangers Sisters and I got comfy with Zack on the couch and then his mom came by with the rabbit and talked about how she couldn't get the two rabbits because they were female and the owner didn't know if they were pregnant and Zacks mom understandably didn't want to be stuck with that right now so they're going to try to find another rabbit for Zack because his died a little while ago.
Part of the time we were in the hot tub Mr. Baron came out and video taped us and took some poloroids. He took one of Ang and me on the weight machines and one of Zack and me and one of Ang and Marc. I fought over the picture of Zack and me with Zack because he wanted to see it and I was smirking and he saw it because he was in the recliner and I was trying to keep my balance without hurting him and I accidentally did and he was like "oww" and he grabbed the picture when I let my guard down and I asked him if I hurt him and he's like "Not too bad". Well It's already 8:30 and I haven't started my paper yet so I'm going to go do that after I take out my contacts, hehe, procrastination.
Mandy ~ 8:32 PM
Veet is Evil
At least to me... I tried using it and it burnt my legs so I had to put tons of the healing lotion on them. Why am I using hair remover on my legs in the fall you ask because tomorrow I'm going over to Zacks and we're going to watch the Packer game and at half time we're going to play some football and then go in the hot tub... Zacks mom told me I can't eat before I come because she bought lots of food. Zacks mom is so funny... one time I call her cell and she acts like a guy and the volleyball game between her and Zack was great because we were screaming and cheering. Right now I just got done blow drying my hair and I'm waiting for it to completely dry because if I blow dry it all the way it just goes blah! Thursday night was Angs game and Friday night I went to the movies with Ang, Jasmine, Zack, Tj, and Kenny. I already wrote about the movies so I'm going to go to sleep.
P.S. I know this entry sucked so I'll make it up to you in the next one... I hope. Oh and I just read Heathers blogger and of course she wrote about me again and not good things. I'm not going to write about it anymore than that because it'll just give her more reason to bitch and yes, I'm trying more than anything to make our friendship work and it just isn't happening and I'm starting to think it's better that way because all it's becoming is a huge, fake, hassle.
At least to me... I tried using it and it burnt my legs so I had to put tons of the healing lotion on them. Why am I using hair remover on my legs in the fall you ask because tomorrow I'm going over to Zacks and we're going to watch the Packer game and at half time we're going to play some football and then go in the hot tub... Zacks mom told me I can't eat before I come because she bought lots of food. Zacks mom is so funny... one time I call her cell and she acts like a guy and the volleyball game between her and Zack was great because we were screaming and cheering. Right now I just got done blow drying my hair and I'm waiting for it to completely dry because if I blow dry it all the way it just goes blah! Thursday night was Angs game and Friday night I went to the movies with Ang, Jasmine, Zack, Tj, and Kenny. I already wrote about the movies so I'm going to go to sleep.
P.S. I know this entry sucked so I'll make it up to you in the next one... I hope. Oh and I just read Heathers blogger and of course she wrote about me again and not good things. I'm not going to write about it anymore than that because it'll just give her more reason to bitch and yes, I'm trying more than anything to make our friendship work and it just isn't happening and I'm starting to think it's better that way because all it's becoming is a huge, fake, hassle.
Mandy ~ 1:47 AM
Saturday, October 18, 2003
Night From Hell... Well Just the Beginning
So tonight was going to be another night I got to see Zack so all day I was waiting to get to go to meet up with him at the movies. Well we got everything figured out and whatnot and we decided we were going to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Well Jasmine came and picked me up and took us there. Everything was going fine until we had to buy our tickets...
So we got in there and I was going to buy both Jasmine and my tickets because I'm 17 and I went to even buy mine and they said I needed identifacation. Since I don't have my license I don't have identifacation so I couldn't give them any so we couldn't get into the movie. So I used Jasmine's cell and called home and Sarah came.
So then Sarah came in and bought a ticket and gave it to me and left. So I walked into the movie alone and got Zack's ticket stub and gave it to Jasmine so she could get in because they said Sarah could only buy one ticket. Well they didn't tell us she could only buy one ticket for only herself. So Tiffany Gleason (a girl who works there) came in and told Jasmine and me we couldn't be in there and we had to go with her.
So then we walked out to the front where you buy the tickets and 3 workers reemed us out "nicely" and told us basically there was no way we were getting into that movie. They then told us only our parents could buy us tickets while they were there to give consent if we didn't have identifacation to prove we were 17, which only I was but couldn't prove.
So then I used Jasmine's cell again and called home and told my mom she needed to come in person to vow for me that I could get in the movie. So my mom was furious and she demanded to talk to them and they wouldn't take the phone and then she came. So as soon as my mom got there she stormed in and went right to the group of workers just standing and talking in a circle and she demanded why I couldn't go into the movie. She said Sarah could consent for me because she's a legal 3rd guardian in case anything happens to my parents all of it's filed that says Sarah will be our legal guardian. So my mom thoroughly bitched out George, the manager I'm thinking and then Jasmine and I finally got to watch our movie after we missed a good 15 minutes of it... jerks.
After that I had a good time because of the obvious *cough* Zack *cough* Wow, a movie has never scared me before I saw Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Ok, I'm sure the movie wouldn't have scared me nearly as much if it wasn't based on a true story. The part that really creeped me out was that at the end they showed a real video from when two cops went in to document the killings and to investigate and got killed and the video tape had footage that contained a flash image of the killer. *cringes*
Throughout the whole movie I was holding Zack's hand and he leaned in towards me so at points I could hide my face in his shoulder for comfort. It was really nice and a couple of times when I was really scared he stroked the back of my hand. I also liked laying my head on his shoulder and him laying his on mine. It was so comforting although after the movie we were sitting at this table and there were big red marks in between my fingers from grabbing Zacks so hard. There was a lot of screaming and I think I screamed a couple of times but I think mostly I whispered to Zack about how scared I was and muffled my whines in his shoulder. So then after that we walked to Kmart and Ang and Courtney tried on masks and hats and other Halloween stuff. I think Zack and I didn't really do it so we wouldn't look stupid in front of each other. When we got in the store I noticed he had grass stains and such on his shirt and I was like 'playing football?' and he laughed and said no. Then Ang said they were walking around and he was purposely tripping himself and rolling around on the ground. I thought it was funny and I would've loved to have seen it and most likely I would've rolled around with him. Well I have to go since I have to wake up early to work at the rental house tomorrow all day again. I'm going to bring all my homework with me in case I get any spare time though because I have like 3 worksheets and a couple of pages for Alg 2 and I have 3 projects in Economics. The projects aren't due all the same time... I'm sure my budget analysis paper is due Monday and then the group one is due Wednesday and then another one on Thursday or something like that. So I'm going to get done talking to Jasmine and then I'm off to sleep.
So tonight was going to be another night I got to see Zack so all day I was waiting to get to go to meet up with him at the movies. Well we got everything figured out and whatnot and we decided we were going to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Well Jasmine came and picked me up and took us there. Everything was going fine until we had to buy our tickets...
So we got in there and I was going to buy both Jasmine and my tickets because I'm 17 and I went to even buy mine and they said I needed identifacation. Since I don't have my license I don't have identifacation so I couldn't give them any so we couldn't get into the movie. So I used Jasmine's cell and called home and Sarah came.
So then Sarah came in and bought a ticket and gave it to me and left. So I walked into the movie alone and got Zack's ticket stub and gave it to Jasmine so she could get in because they said Sarah could only buy one ticket. Well they didn't tell us she could only buy one ticket for only herself. So Tiffany Gleason (a girl who works there) came in and told Jasmine and me we couldn't be in there and we had to go with her.
So then we walked out to the front where you buy the tickets and 3 workers reemed us out "nicely" and told us basically there was no way we were getting into that movie. They then told us only our parents could buy us tickets while they were there to give consent if we didn't have identifacation to prove we were 17, which only I was but couldn't prove.
So then I used Jasmine's cell again and called home and told my mom she needed to come in person to vow for me that I could get in the movie. So my mom was furious and she demanded to talk to them and they wouldn't take the phone and then she came. So as soon as my mom got there she stormed in and went right to the group of workers just standing and talking in a circle and she demanded why I couldn't go into the movie. She said Sarah could consent for me because she's a legal 3rd guardian in case anything happens to my parents all of it's filed that says Sarah will be our legal guardian. So my mom thoroughly bitched out George, the manager I'm thinking and then Jasmine and I finally got to watch our movie after we missed a good 15 minutes of it... jerks.
After that I had a good time because of the obvious *cough* Zack *cough* Wow, a movie has never scared me before I saw Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Ok, I'm sure the movie wouldn't have scared me nearly as much if it wasn't based on a true story. The part that really creeped me out was that at the end they showed a real video from when two cops went in to document the killings and to investigate and got killed and the video tape had footage that contained a flash image of the killer. *cringes*
Throughout the whole movie I was holding Zack's hand and he leaned in towards me so at points I could hide my face in his shoulder for comfort. It was really nice and a couple of times when I was really scared he stroked the back of my hand. I also liked laying my head on his shoulder and him laying his on mine. It was so comforting although after the movie we were sitting at this table and there were big red marks in between my fingers from grabbing Zacks so hard. There was a lot of screaming and I think I screamed a couple of times but I think mostly I whispered to Zack about how scared I was and muffled my whines in his shoulder. So then after that we walked to Kmart and Ang and Courtney tried on masks and hats and other Halloween stuff. I think Zack and I didn't really do it so we wouldn't look stupid in front of each other. When we got in the store I noticed he had grass stains and such on his shirt and I was like 'playing football?' and he laughed and said no. Then Ang said they were walking around and he was purposely tripping himself and rolling around on the ground. I thought it was funny and I would've loved to have seen it and most likely I would've rolled around with him. Well I have to go since I have to wake up early to work at the rental house tomorrow all day again. I'm going to bring all my homework with me in case I get any spare time though because I have like 3 worksheets and a couple of pages for Alg 2 and I have 3 projects in Economics. The projects aren't due all the same time... I'm sure my budget analysis paper is due Monday and then the group one is due Wednesday and then another one on Thursday or something like that. So I'm going to get done talking to Jasmine and then I'm off to sleep.
Mandy ~ 12:35 AM
Thursday, October 16, 2003
Game
Well tonight was fun because I went to Angs last home game for varsity volleyball. I met up with Zack and saw Dakota, Jake, Kayla, Bri, Lanelle, Ilana, and a few other people because there was also a swim meet the same night. Ben gave me a ride because he went to the swim meet for his senior friend, Kim Mahalak. I was so happy I got to see Zack tonight... since I last saw him I was wondering when I was going to see him again. Tonight he asked me if I wanted to go to the movies tomorrow with him, Ang, and her friends and I want to go.
I'm talking to Jasmine and we're talking about perfume and how I really love Lola by Rimmel but I can't find it anymore. So for the moment I've been wearing Love Spell by Victoria Secrets because I used to wear it all the time until I got sick of it.
Pink Fluffy Lions says:
remember when my lotion broke in my backpack?
Pink Fluffy Lions says:
i thought that was funny
Is that a tic-tac in your shirt pocket or are you just glad to see me? says:
o i know!
Is that a tic-tac in your shirt pocket or are you just glad to see me? says:
and we were putting it on
Pink Fluffy Lions says:
you and kelly came in and were like ohhh, love spell and were like 'we'll help you clean that up!' *rolls eyes*
Pink Fluffy Lions says:
yea
Hehe, and now we're talking about the time someone broke her expensive $200 perfume her mom got her as a present imported from Europe. It was so horrible because she felt so bad because she only had it a week if that. Her mom just said stuff happens when Jasmine told her. I was so shocked.
Watching the volleyball game tonight really gave me a sense of nostalgia because I used to be athletic. I really want to join a sport but my parents won't let me because the doctor said I couldn't be in anything that involved strenuous activity. About the only thing I can do is walk... I'm not supposed to jump, run, dance, or anything. My ankle got aggravated though from dancing in treble choir and now I'm back to wearing the brace... my mom said she had a solid one but I can't remember where I put it after I used it last year for dance team tryouts. Right now I'm using a flexible one that isn't helping a lot or I should say enough... I say they go in, cut out the cyst and call it a day. I'd be so happy if they did that. I want to be in a sport so badly, cross country, downhill skiing, anything. I'd even settle for baseball although I haven't played for a long time and I'd really suck I'm sure.
Tonight at the volleyball game I sat between Zack and his mom and Mrs. Baron and I really got into the game. I talked to Mrs. Baron in between about volleyball and I really disliked the fact Ang didn't get to play a lot because she's really good. I was completely comfortable with Zacks mom which was cool because I'm kind of afraid of the impression I make on others. I wished I could be Ang just so I could play, but a lot of people wish a lot of really stupid, optimistic things that they know will never come true. I hate complaining but I feel I can do it in here because people reading this is completely voluntary and no one can say it's a requisite to do so because they're my friends. I still haven't taken my shower but I usually get to bed around 12:30 anyway because I'm a bit of an insomniac but mostly just a night person. Well I'm going to go because if I write anymore I'm sure it'll involve deeper feelings I don't wish to disclose because I'm sure I'll get bitched out for feeling so. Besides that I'm hungry because I haven't eaten since lunch, that's about 11 hours ago. I had the best night tonight because I got to see Zack although all odds told me I wouldn't. Got to love the coincidences and subsequent-ness of life, sometimes. Don't ask me why but supposedly subsequent-ness isn't a word without the dash although it's one word... psh.
Well tonight was fun because I went to Angs last home game for varsity volleyball. I met up with Zack and saw Dakota, Jake, Kayla, Bri, Lanelle, Ilana, and a few other people because there was also a swim meet the same night. Ben gave me a ride because he went to the swim meet for his senior friend, Kim Mahalak. I was so happy I got to see Zack tonight... since I last saw him I was wondering when I was going to see him again. Tonight he asked me if I wanted to go to the movies tomorrow with him, Ang, and her friends and I want to go.
I'm talking to Jasmine and we're talking about perfume and how I really love Lola by Rimmel but I can't find it anymore. So for the moment I've been wearing Love Spell by Victoria Secrets because I used to wear it all the time until I got sick of it.
Pink Fluffy Lions says:
remember when my lotion broke in my backpack?
Pink Fluffy Lions says:
i thought that was funny
Is that a tic-tac in your shirt pocket or are you just glad to see me? says:
o i know!
Is that a tic-tac in your shirt pocket or are you just glad to see me? says:
and we were putting it on
Pink Fluffy Lions says:
you and kelly came in and were like ohhh, love spell and were like 'we'll help you clean that up!' *rolls eyes*
Pink Fluffy Lions says:
yea
Hehe, and now we're talking about the time someone broke her expensive $200 perfume her mom got her as a present imported from Europe. It was so horrible because she felt so bad because she only had it a week if that. Her mom just said stuff happens when Jasmine told her. I was so shocked.
Watching the volleyball game tonight really gave me a sense of nostalgia because I used to be athletic. I really want to join a sport but my parents won't let me because the doctor said I couldn't be in anything that involved strenuous activity. About the only thing I can do is walk... I'm not supposed to jump, run, dance, or anything. My ankle got aggravated though from dancing in treble choir and now I'm back to wearing the brace... my mom said she had a solid one but I can't remember where I put it after I used it last year for dance team tryouts. Right now I'm using a flexible one that isn't helping a lot or I should say enough... I say they go in, cut out the cyst and call it a day. I'd be so happy if they did that. I want to be in a sport so badly, cross country, downhill skiing, anything. I'd even settle for baseball although I haven't played for a long time and I'd really suck I'm sure.
Tonight at the volleyball game I sat between Zack and his mom and Mrs. Baron and I really got into the game. I talked to Mrs. Baron in between about volleyball and I really disliked the fact Ang didn't get to play a lot because she's really good. I was completely comfortable with Zacks mom which was cool because I'm kind of afraid of the impression I make on others. I wished I could be Ang just so I could play, but a lot of people wish a lot of really stupid, optimistic things that they know will never come true. I hate complaining but I feel I can do it in here because people reading this is completely voluntary and no one can say it's a requisite to do so because they're my friends. I still haven't taken my shower but I usually get to bed around 12:30 anyway because I'm a bit of an insomniac but mostly just a night person. Well I'm going to go because if I write anymore I'm sure it'll involve deeper feelings I don't wish to disclose because I'm sure I'll get bitched out for feeling so. Besides that I'm hungry because I haven't eaten since lunch, that's about 11 hours ago. I had the best night tonight because I got to see Zack although all odds told me I wouldn't. Got to love the coincidences and subsequent-ness of life, sometimes. Don't ask me why but supposedly subsequent-ness isn't a word without the dash although it's one word... psh.
Mandy ~ 11:21 PM
La De Dah!
'Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?'... I'm listening to that song now. It's called 'Why Can't I' by Liz Phair and it's the song Zack told me reminds him of me. It actually came on the radio when we stopped at the bank and I finally took my clarinet into the shop and we bought an electric tuner, which was $33. I'm going through Zack withdrawal... he didn't e-mail me this morning. I don't know why but I'm so extremely attached to Zack and I can't help it. I like liking him it's just that I like him a lot... probably more than he likes me. *sigh*
I think Heather is mad at me again because I asked her if she wanted to go to the v-ball game tonight, it's Angs last home game so I really wanted to watch it and she said she was doing too much and then she asked Kate if Kate wanted to do something. I think it's a hint. Oh and Kate and I are fighting really badly but I guess it's fine since she's obviously trying to tell me she doesn't want to be around me. I think I should become a loner again because then I don't have to deal with friends and "friends". All they do is bring me down when I'm happy with anyone else besides them because then they think I'm leaving them, which shouldn't matter because I'm useless anyway.
So enough of that crap. I'm not going to write my true feelings because then people are going to pity me and all I really want right now is to see Zack. Even if I saw him at like a store or in town and talked to him for a couple of minutes I'd feel better. The part that's really annoying is that he's only 5 minutes away when he's at Ang's volleyball games... so close and yet so far because I need permission and a ride. I wished someone knew how I felt, just one person. No, I wished everyone knew how I felt so then they wouldn't get so mad at me for being this way. I'm trying so hard to be nice to friends and it's just not happening because not seeing Zack and them not being able to realize how it feels... I can't even connect with them and more than anything I want to tell them to leave me alone so I can be a loner.
Ok so now that I'm being overly depressed I think I should go...
'Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?'... I'm listening to that song now. It's called 'Why Can't I' by Liz Phair and it's the song Zack told me reminds him of me. It actually came on the radio when we stopped at the bank and I finally took my clarinet into the shop and we bought an electric tuner, which was $33. I'm going through Zack withdrawal... he didn't e-mail me this morning. I don't know why but I'm so extremely attached to Zack and I can't help it. I like liking him it's just that I like him a lot... probably more than he likes me. *sigh*
I think Heather is mad at me again because I asked her if she wanted to go to the v-ball game tonight, it's Angs last home game so I really wanted to watch it and she said she was doing too much and then she asked Kate if Kate wanted to do something. I think it's a hint. Oh and Kate and I are fighting really badly but I guess it's fine since she's obviously trying to tell me she doesn't want to be around me. I think I should become a loner again because then I don't have to deal with friends and "friends". All they do is bring me down when I'm happy with anyone else besides them because then they think I'm leaving them, which shouldn't matter because I'm useless anyway.
So enough of that crap. I'm not going to write my true feelings because then people are going to pity me and all I really want right now is to see Zack. Even if I saw him at like a store or in town and talked to him for a couple of minutes I'd feel better. The part that's really annoying is that he's only 5 minutes away when he's at Ang's volleyball games... so close and yet so far because I need permission and a ride. I wished someone knew how I felt, just one person. No, I wished everyone knew how I felt so then they wouldn't get so mad at me for being this way. I'm trying so hard to be nice to friends and it's just not happening because not seeing Zack and them not being able to realize how it feels... I can't even connect with them and more than anything I want to tell them to leave me alone so I can be a loner.
Ok so now that I'm being overly depressed I think I should go...
Mandy ~ 4:52 PM
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
Pink Fluffy Lions
Ok, yea you may think the title is really stupid but little do you realize it's very cool and you can't fathom how cool it is so you just think it's stupid because you can't understand it.
Ok, I'm going to explain the name. Every time I talk to Zack I get really kooky and I don't know why. It's just when I talk to him too. Ok, I'm kooky when I'm with friends too but it's different between the two and I can't really explain it. Well we have a new inside joke and I guess it won't be inside anymore since I'm going to post it.
Somehow we got to talking about our age ranges, and I said mines's from 14-19, and he was like wow. I was like what's yours and he said 17 and I was like oh? and he's like well you are my age range. So after that he said I owned his age range and I asked him if I could name it and he said sure. So I was like Yay! and then I so named it Pink Fluffy Lions. The next part after that was when he told me I don't have a lot of self confidence because I apologize a lot. So I told him he has to hit me everytime we're together and I say sorry and then we decided that wasn't going to work so every time I say sorry when I'm with him he has to say Pink Fluffy Lions. He told me he feels really stupid when he says it but I think it's cute... compared to me thinking everything he does is cute.
I know it's weird but it's not him at all... he's the normal one and I'm corrupting him with my weirdness and he doesn't care. I really do wish I had more self confidence though but it's kind of hard always being told I'm useless and lots of other very great confidence builders. Well I have to go now because Ben wants the computer.
Ok, yea you may think the title is really stupid but little do you realize it's very cool and you can't fathom how cool it is so you just think it's stupid because you can't understand it.
Ok, I'm going to explain the name. Every time I talk to Zack I get really kooky and I don't know why. It's just when I talk to him too. Ok, I'm kooky when I'm with friends too but it's different between the two and I can't really explain it. Well we have a new inside joke and I guess it won't be inside anymore since I'm going to post it.
Somehow we got to talking about our age ranges, and I said mines's from 14-19, and he was like wow. I was like what's yours and he said 17 and I was like oh? and he's like well you are my age range. So after that he said I owned his age range and I asked him if I could name it and he said sure. So I was like Yay! and then I so named it Pink Fluffy Lions. The next part after that was when he told me I don't have a lot of self confidence because I apologize a lot. So I told him he has to hit me everytime we're together and I say sorry and then we decided that wasn't going to work so every time I say sorry when I'm with him he has to say Pink Fluffy Lions. He told me he feels really stupid when he says it but I think it's cute... compared to me thinking everything he does is cute.
I know it's weird but it's not him at all... he's the normal one and I'm corrupting him with my weirdness and he doesn't care. I really do wish I had more self confidence though but it's kind of hard always being told I'm useless and lots of other very great confidence builders. Well I have to go now because Ben wants the computer.
Mandy ~ 10:19 PM
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
*Sigh of Relief*
I hate fighting with friends. It's the most annoying thing in the world because you realize after the first couple of minutes (although it depends on the fight) that you feel bad and just want to apologize. Like the kind of fight with Emily was one that I felt really stupid about because I was just sick of people picking on me and ruining my happiness and I'm sure she had other reasons for getting mad. Everyone always does, and it's usually miscommunication. Like I understood her not inviting me to the movies because she can only drive one other person. So it's all good and I'm happy because I am although there's someone who's still not really talking to me, and I don't know why this time.
I hate fighting with friends. It's the most annoying thing in the world because you realize after the first couple of minutes (although it depends on the fight) that you feel bad and just want to apologize. Like the kind of fight with Emily was one that I felt really stupid about because I was just sick of people picking on me and ruining my happiness and I'm sure she had other reasons for getting mad. Everyone always does, and it's usually miscommunication. Like I understood her not inviting me to the movies because she can only drive one other person. So it's all good and I'm happy because I am although there's someone who's still not really talking to me, and I don't know why this time.
Mandy ~ 10:41 PM
Second Thoughts
Well a single call from Zack can make my day. He's so cute and I love his voice... ok, this is going a bit over. At this one point I was confused because I told him he was weird in a joking mannerism and he was like 'oh, thanks' sarcastically. So then I said 'did i say being weird was a bad thing?' and then he was like 'ummm, no' and then I was like 'well I'm weird' and immediately he said 'well then it's a good thing'. So I thought about it and said 'so you being weird is bad but for me it's good?' and then he was like 'ummm, yea'. It was slightly confusing but I think it was a hidden compliment like if i'm whatever it is (in this case it was me being weird) then suddenly that thing is good.
So I'm sitting here wearing a triangle bikini top because I always try things on before I wear them somewhere. I'm thinking it's a girl thing because Jasmine said she does that too. You're probably thinking 'why are you trying on a swimsuit when it's fall?' and the answer to that is because Zack invited me over Sunday night to watch the Packers and then maybe to go in his hot tub. I'm really hoping my parents let me go because they're nazis, whoops I didn't say that...
I was also hoping to go to Ang's volleyball game Thursday and actually watch it but I'd also need a ride to that and again need the parents for that, and since my parents are against the whole Zack and me thing well you get the idea. It's partially the reason I want to get my license although I'll have to wait a while... but I can drive with a parent when I have my temps and then I don't know what I can do when I have my probationary license. First I'm planning on passing the temps because I've failed them 3 times and I'm thinking really reading the handbook would be smart but for some reason when I read like 3 sentences I just drift off because it's so boring and I know that's a stupid reason but I can't concentrate on it. Well I'm going to go take a shower and then try to cram as much as I can for the test tomorrow, write some notes, and try to do at least some of the assignments.
Well a single call from Zack can make my day. He's so cute and I love his voice... ok, this is going a bit over. At this one point I was confused because I told him he was weird in a joking mannerism and he was like 'oh, thanks' sarcastically. So then I said 'did i say being weird was a bad thing?' and then he was like 'ummm, no' and then I was like 'well I'm weird' and immediately he said 'well then it's a good thing'. So I thought about it and said 'so you being weird is bad but for me it's good?' and then he was like 'ummm, yea'. It was slightly confusing but I think it was a hidden compliment like if i'm whatever it is (in this case it was me being weird) then suddenly that thing is good.
So I'm sitting here wearing a triangle bikini top because I always try things on before I wear them somewhere. I'm thinking it's a girl thing because Jasmine said she does that too. You're probably thinking 'why are you trying on a swimsuit when it's fall?' and the answer to that is because Zack invited me over Sunday night to watch the Packers and then maybe to go in his hot tub. I'm really hoping my parents let me go because they're nazis, whoops I didn't say that...
I was also hoping to go to Ang's volleyball game Thursday and actually watch it but I'd also need a ride to that and again need the parents for that, and since my parents are against the whole Zack and me thing well you get the idea. It's partially the reason I want to get my license although I'll have to wait a while... but I can drive with a parent when I have my temps and then I don't know what I can do when I have my probationary license. First I'm planning on passing the temps because I've failed them 3 times and I'm thinking really reading the handbook would be smart but for some reason when I read like 3 sentences I just drift off because it's so boring and I know that's a stupid reason but I can't concentrate on it. Well I'm going to go take a shower and then try to cram as much as I can for the test tomorrow, write some notes, and try to do at least some of the assignments.
Mandy ~ 10:09 PM
Losing the Fight
I'm just slowly giving in to everything because I'm so tired I just don't care to fight anymore. Tonight I was hoping I could go to Zacks last football game under the lights. It's a really big thing for him and I really wanted to be there even if it meant sitting alone but I couldn't because I didn't have a ride. Well the game started 5 minutes ago. My mom's at the doctors in Wooddruff and my dad's out at the rental house in Pelican and I'm sure even if they were here they wouldn't take me. Sarah and Ben are both gone and it's just Kate and me.
*sigh* There's nothing I want more than to be at the game right now watching Zack playing football. I can see him out on the field playing in my head. It's really bothering me and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't be mad at my parents for fufilling their responsibilities but mad at myself for not finding another way to be there, but I guess it's for the best because I don't want to use a friend to get a ride.
I was talking to Susie about my dad and they way he treats me and I really didn't know how to defend it because it's hard to defend someone when you know deep down they're wrong in what they're doing. Yes, Susie that means I'm admitting to knowing it's wrong and I don't deserve it, and yet I still can't help the fact that I feel responsible in some way. Everyone reading this is probably thinking 'what the hell is she talking about'. Well everyone except Susie but I can't explain it now and I don't want to either because it's pretty involved, and I've already bitched enough about missing Zacks game. So I'm going to go draw now since I'm getting kicked off the computer.
I'm just slowly giving in to everything because I'm so tired I just don't care to fight anymore. Tonight I was hoping I could go to Zacks last football game under the lights. It's a really big thing for him and I really wanted to be there even if it meant sitting alone but I couldn't because I didn't have a ride. Well the game started 5 minutes ago. My mom's at the doctors in Wooddruff and my dad's out at the rental house in Pelican and I'm sure even if they were here they wouldn't take me. Sarah and Ben are both gone and it's just Kate and me.
*sigh* There's nothing I want more than to be at the game right now watching Zack playing football. I can see him out on the field playing in my head. It's really bothering me and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't be mad at my parents for fufilling their responsibilities but mad at myself for not finding another way to be there, but I guess it's for the best because I don't want to use a friend to get a ride.
I was talking to Susie about my dad and they way he treats me and I really didn't know how to defend it because it's hard to defend someone when you know deep down they're wrong in what they're doing. Yes, Susie that means I'm admitting to knowing it's wrong and I don't deserve it, and yet I still can't help the fact that I feel responsible in some way. Everyone reading this is probably thinking 'what the hell is she talking about'. Well everyone except Susie but I can't explain it now and I don't want to either because it's pretty involved, and I've already bitched enough about missing Zacks game. So I'm going to go draw now since I'm getting kicked off the computer.
Mandy ~ 6:10 PM
Monday, October 13, 2003
Another Crappy Poem
As I've said before... but it depicts how I feel and I know it's short so I might add onto it later...
Just Him
I shiver
He holds me
Our bare feet
On cold grass
My hands
Warmed by his
Friends oblivious
To my happiness
Selfish
Now depressed
Because of them
Wishing for him
To make me
Happy again
I actually applied some of my previous English learnings without even knowing it until I was done like alliteration.
As I've said before... but it depicts how I feel and I know it's short so I might add onto it later...
Just Him
I shiver
He holds me
Our bare feet
On cold grass
My hands
Warmed by his
Friends oblivious
To my happiness
Selfish
Now depressed
Because of them
Wishing for him
To make me
Happy again
I actually applied some of my previous English learnings without even knowing it until I was done like alliteration.
Mandy ~ 7:16 PM
Always the Downs After the Ups
Well I decided I was going to read my friends bloggers because it usually makes me happy to know how they're feeling. I read Emily's and I just got really pissed off because she's mad for me being mad. She has almost nothing to do with it. The fact that Kate didn't even tell me she was leaving bothered me. I could give a fuck less if Emily even invited me. Besides that I'm sure Emily would've been pissed if she found out I had a party and didn't invite her. Here's what she wrote...
We ended up going to a movie saturday night and then I visited with her and her mom for a while at her house afterwards. It was good to talk to Kaitlin again because I havn't in a really long time. And I missed that. But then of course Amanda had to get mad and all resentful against me for it cause I didn't invite her too and then when I came over she could hear the three of us upstairs laughing and having fun. Well I'm sorry but that just makes me sooo mad. I have so many things I wish to say about that. That and about her other favorite person. But I'm not going to. Because that would be mean.
I'm really sick of being the bitch. I'm trying to be happy since I've been depressed for so long and finally I find a reason to be happy although everything else in my life is just sucking ass. Zack, he's the only reason I'm happy at all. If it weren't for him I'd be so depressed right now. First of all everyone's treating me like shit. I'm not going to mention any names but certain friends are pissed at me for trying to be happy. I don't care what they say their reason is but I know it's because I'm finally happy. I talk about Zack a lot because he's the only happy thing in my life.
I could always talk about how my parents fight, how my family treats me like complete shit, how I'm always left alone at home, how I'm failing in the only two required classes I have although I'm trying, how I can't seem to be able to do anything like go places so I'm not at home alone, how my friends are treating me like shit, and just every reason that's there to make me depressed. Last night I was talking to Barbian and we had the best conversation and I loved it because finally it was a friend who'd actually listen to me and not bitch about it later like some people. So I'm thinking I'm going to take a little break from my "friends". That's a great plan because that way they can't bitch about me talking about Zack or being pissed. So anyone who's mad at me for being this way can FUCK OFF.
Thank you Zack, Katie, Chris, Jasmine, and Susie for never being pissed at me for my happiness or for being sad because obviously I have no reason to be depressed, none at all.
Well I decided I was going to read my friends bloggers because it usually makes me happy to know how they're feeling. I read Emily's and I just got really pissed off because she's mad for me being mad. She has almost nothing to do with it. The fact that Kate didn't even tell me she was leaving bothered me. I could give a fuck less if Emily even invited me. Besides that I'm sure Emily would've been pissed if she found out I had a party and didn't invite her. Here's what she wrote...
We ended up going to a movie saturday night and then I visited with her and her mom for a while at her house afterwards. It was good to talk to Kaitlin again because I havn't in a really long time. And I missed that. But then of course Amanda had to get mad and all resentful against me for it cause I didn't invite her too and then when I came over she could hear the three of us upstairs laughing and having fun. Well I'm sorry but that just makes me sooo mad. I have so many things I wish to say about that. That and about her other favorite person. But I'm not going to. Because that would be mean.
I'm really sick of being the bitch. I'm trying to be happy since I've been depressed for so long and finally I find a reason to be happy although everything else in my life is just sucking ass. Zack, he's the only reason I'm happy at all. If it weren't for him I'd be so depressed right now. First of all everyone's treating me like shit. I'm not going to mention any names but certain friends are pissed at me for trying to be happy. I don't care what they say their reason is but I know it's because I'm finally happy. I talk about Zack a lot because he's the only happy thing in my life.
I could always talk about how my parents fight, how my family treats me like complete shit, how I'm always left alone at home, how I'm failing in the only two required classes I have although I'm trying, how I can't seem to be able to do anything like go places so I'm not at home alone, how my friends are treating me like shit, and just every reason that's there to make me depressed. Last night I was talking to Barbian and we had the best conversation and I loved it because finally it was a friend who'd actually listen to me and not bitch about it later like some people. So I'm thinking I'm going to take a little break from my "friends". That's a great plan because that way they can't bitch about me talking about Zack or being pissed. So anyone who's mad at me for being this way can FUCK OFF.
Thank you Zack, Katie, Chris, Jasmine, and Susie for never being pissed at me for my happiness or for being sad because obviously I have no reason to be depressed, none at all.
Mandy ~ 6:54 PM
Such a Sweetie
I haven't been able to write in a while because I've only gotten to go on the computer to check my mail. So now that I can finally write a little bit I will. First of I have to say Zack did the sweetest thing. Last Saturday we were supposed to get together at Hodag Park and just spend a few hours together to talk and just spend time together. Unfortunately we couldn't because my parents decided to leave to work on the rental house in Pelican and Sarah and Ben went shopping in Wausau. I even asked Sarah if she would take me shopping because I need to buy some clothes and she looked at me with disgust and said "Why would I take you?" and so she wouldn't see she hurt my feelings I just walked away. So I was upset because Sarah was being a huge bitch, I was home alone and very lonely, and I couldn't do anything with Zack. So now Sarah's in here and she's telling me why does everyone always have to be on her computer... but back to the story. So I was all upset and then someone was here because the dog started barking. I heard Kate say my name and I was wondering who was here and she walked down the stairs and said I got a flower and at first I just stared at it for about 5 minutes because I was in shock. So then I finally regained consciousness :p and took it out and smelled it and read the card. It said "Just because I was thinking of you and because you're such a great friend". I wrote him back telling him I wished we were more and he said we were but in case my parents read the card they wouldn't get the wrong impression. My mom did end up reading it and she still knew and she acted as if it didn't happen. I just wanted to punch her for being so rude because what Zack did was such a sweet thing and it made me feel so much better like someone actually cared.
Well the rest of the weekend was really sucked but I just thought about Zack. I miss him so much and I just saw him Friday night at my party. I won't see him for a while though and that's probably what's really bothering me. Later that night everyone was gone except for me. Kate went to a movie with Emily and didn't even ask me when I always ask Kate when I'm going somewhere if she wants to go too. Then Sarah and Ben went out bowling and my parents went to sleep so I was alone. So then I cried because of everything just building up. I'm just glad Zack's somewhat here for me although our parents are kind of standing in the way of a possible relationship. Well I'm going to go now. Zack's gone tonight for his last away football game.
I haven't been able to write in a while because I've only gotten to go on the computer to check my mail. So now that I can finally write a little bit I will. First of I have to say Zack did the sweetest thing. Last Saturday we were supposed to get together at Hodag Park and just spend a few hours together to talk and just spend time together. Unfortunately we couldn't because my parents decided to leave to work on the rental house in Pelican and Sarah and Ben went shopping in Wausau. I even asked Sarah if she would take me shopping because I need to buy some clothes and she looked at me with disgust and said "Why would I take you?" and so she wouldn't see she hurt my feelings I just walked away. So I was upset because Sarah was being a huge bitch, I was home alone and very lonely, and I couldn't do anything with Zack. So now Sarah's in here and she's telling me why does everyone always have to be on her computer... but back to the story. So I was all upset and then someone was here because the dog started barking. I heard Kate say my name and I was wondering who was here and she walked down the stairs and said I got a flower and at first I just stared at it for about 5 minutes because I was in shock. So then I finally regained consciousness :p and took it out and smelled it and read the card. It said "Just because I was thinking of you and because you're such a great friend". I wrote him back telling him I wished we were more and he said we were but in case my parents read the card they wouldn't get the wrong impression. My mom did end up reading it and she still knew and she acted as if it didn't happen. I just wanted to punch her for being so rude because what Zack did was such a sweet thing and it made me feel so much better like someone actually cared.
Well the rest of the weekend was really sucked but I just thought about Zack. I miss him so much and I just saw him Friday night at my party. I won't see him for a while though and that's probably what's really bothering me. Later that night everyone was gone except for me. Kate went to a movie with Emily and didn't even ask me when I always ask Kate when I'm going somewhere if she wants to go too. Then Sarah and Ben went out bowling and my parents went to sleep so I was alone. So then I cried because of everything just building up. I'm just glad Zack's somewhat here for me although our parents are kind of standing in the way of a possible relationship. Well I'm going to go now. Zack's gone tonight for his last away football game.
Mandy ~ 6:23 PM
Saturday, October 11, 2003
Everything Has It's Downs- Even Dreams...
Eventually You Have to Wake Up From Them
Last night was practically perfect. I was with Zack and I couldn't have asked for more. All night we were together from the beginning of my party until the end. At first we all gathered in the living room and turned off all the lights and Anthony was DJ and he turned on his strobe light and we had a lot of fun dancing. Then we ate pizza and had the bonfire. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves except for TJ because he explained it as 'it wasn't his kind of fun'. Everything was so perfect and I knew it wasn't going to last. Zack was the last one to go home and before he did we, my parents, him, and me all sat around the fire as it was dying away like the night. I'm repeating myself so I'm just going to post a poem. Zack it has nothing to do with you because right now you're the only person making me happy.
Alone
I cry
Pain through my eyes
Hiding
Turn up the sound
To hide my own
Trying to confide in
Myself
I do it
They see right through it
My pain
They don’t care
Pain that doesn’t phase
Except me
Wanting to be with him
Purposely denying
Me any happiness
Some advice
Let it be
I try harder
With effort come more tears
Just doesn’t work
Nothing
Temporarily trying for something
Someone
Eyes swollen
Head throbbing
When will it be numb?
Still longer
Their laughing hurts
Knowing without me it’s better
So alone again
Familiar pain
The only thing that’s always there
For me
If only pain could care
Well it's not the best, then again is any of my poetry since I never write... seriously the three poems I've posted in here are my poems, that's it. It gets my feelings across and if it doesn't make any sense I'm sorry because I was crying while I wrote it.
Eventually You Have to Wake Up From Them
Last night was practically perfect. I was with Zack and I couldn't have asked for more. All night we were together from the beginning of my party until the end. At first we all gathered in the living room and turned off all the lights and Anthony was DJ and he turned on his strobe light and we had a lot of fun dancing. Then we ate pizza and had the bonfire. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves except for TJ because he explained it as 'it wasn't his kind of fun'. Everything was so perfect and I knew it wasn't going to last. Zack was the last one to go home and before he did we, my parents, him, and me all sat around the fire as it was dying away like the night. I'm repeating myself so I'm just going to post a poem. Zack it has nothing to do with you because right now you're the only person making me happy.
Alone
I cry
Pain through my eyes
Hiding
Turn up the sound
To hide my own
Trying to confide in
Myself
I do it
They see right through it
My pain
They don’t care
Pain that doesn’t phase
Except me
Wanting to be with him
Purposely denying
Me any happiness
Some advice
Let it be
I try harder
With effort come more tears
Just doesn’t work
Nothing
Temporarily trying for something
Someone
Eyes swollen
Head throbbing
When will it be numb?
Still longer
Their laughing hurts
Knowing without me it’s better
So alone again
Familiar pain
The only thing that’s always there
For me
If only pain could care
Well it's not the best, then again is any of my poetry since I never write... seriously the three poems I've posted in here are my poems, that's it. It gets my feelings across and if it doesn't make any sense I'm sorry because I was crying while I wrote it.
Mandy ~ 10:17 PM
Ahhh, Post Party
Right now I'm just enjoying that feeling you have after you have a great night or time from doing something. Zack was the last to leave the party and for a little while him, my mom, dad, and me all sat around the fire and somewhat talked. When Zacks dad came we all went down to the driveway and my mom and dad, and Zacks dad all talked and Zack and I just kind of stood there and listened to them go on for about 20 minutes. I like Zacks dad, he's really cool and nice. I'm way too tired to write about the whole party but I had a lot of fun and I hope Ilana, Barbian, Anthony, Povish, Zack, Heather, Emily, Timmers, TJ, and Jasmine all enjoyed themselves too. I know one person didn't have the best night... Kate. Right before she left back to the house she said "I hate you bitch" and just walked away. So I'm going to sleep now to hopefully have good dreams.
Right now I'm just enjoying that feeling you have after you have a great night or time from doing something. Zack was the last to leave the party and for a little while him, my mom, dad, and me all sat around the fire and somewhat talked. When Zacks dad came we all went down to the driveway and my mom and dad, and Zacks dad all talked and Zack and I just kind of stood there and listened to them go on for about 20 minutes. I like Zacks dad, he's really cool and nice. I'm way too tired to write about the whole party but I had a lot of fun and I hope Ilana, Barbian, Anthony, Povish, Zack, Heather, Emily, Timmers, TJ, and Jasmine all enjoyed themselves too. I know one person didn't have the best night... Kate. Right before she left back to the house she said "I hate you bitch" and just walked away. So I'm going to sleep now to hopefully have good dreams.
Mandy ~ 1:42 AM
Friday, October 10, 2003
P.S.
I forgot to write about my time at my grandparents house. Well I went to my grandparents almost immediately after I got home to help them take out their docks because they're kind of elderly and can't do it. So I went with Kate, and my dad and we did so. I've never taken out docks before and it was definitely a new thing and I was just trying to get the job done and we did so all is good but geez, docks are heavy.
So after that we went and Kate and I picked some apples for th deer and we actually ate a couple of the good ones and they were pretty good. So then Kate and I took a golf cart ride down the road way past Starks. It was getting dark out because the sun was setting and the freakiest thing happened. When we reached the top of the hill I stopped to look at the red sun setting because it was so gorgeous and just at that same moment Kate and I realized something we were looking at. This fire red tree right in front of the sun setting, the only open spot we could really find to watch the sunset and it looked exactly, down to the tee like the tree from the Ring, the one that was on fire and as we watched the sun through it it looked like it was on fire and at the same moment we pointed at the tree and said "That looks like the tree from The Ring" and so I floored it back to grandmas house which was a couple of miles away. Ok, I'll admit the movie, The Ring didn't scare me as much as I thought it was really gross and interesting somehow but when I saw that tree I freaked and I felt this wierd feeling like icicles breaking inside of me.
So then after we got home we ate pork or beef or whatever that was, potatoes, and gravy, carrots, homemade bread, and applesauce. Dinner was great... it always is at my grandparents. You know how grandmas can always cook everything just right. Well after that my dad informed my grandma I was having a party tomorrow and that my new boyfriend would be there, indicating Zack and he looked at me and smiled meliciously and said "He's what 11, or 12?" and grandma completely ignored him and turned to me and said "Oh Great! Is he nice and cute?" and I was in shock by then but I made a point to kick my dad in the leg when he made fun of Zack. So then I finally became aware enough to actually say something and I started with a defense of "He's 14 and-" and then Kate cut in finishing my sentence "and they're not going out". So then grandma was like oh ok. It was so funny that she was so amused by the fact of a new bf.
*sigh* I just got done talking to Phil again and he explains it as Zack's fault for being a *profanity I don't wish to disclose* and he's mad at me for being selfish and choosing someone I like over a friend although we were always acquaintances. I've known Zack about 2 months, if that and Phil for at least a year and I would choose liking Zack over being Phil's "friend" any day. Now that I've written 3 entries and it's techincally tomorrow, 12 am I'd better be getting to sleep.
I forgot to write about my time at my grandparents house. Well I went to my grandparents almost immediately after I got home to help them take out their docks because they're kind of elderly and can't do it. So I went with Kate, and my dad and we did so. I've never taken out docks before and it was definitely a new thing and I was just trying to get the job done and we did so all is good but geez, docks are heavy.
So after that we went and Kate and I picked some apples for th deer and we actually ate a couple of the good ones and they were pretty good. So then Kate and I took a golf cart ride down the road way past Starks. It was getting dark out because the sun was setting and the freakiest thing happened. When we reached the top of the hill I stopped to look at the red sun setting because it was so gorgeous and just at that same moment Kate and I realized something we were looking at. This fire red tree right in front of the sun setting, the only open spot we could really find to watch the sunset and it looked exactly, down to the tee like the tree from the Ring, the one that was on fire and as we watched the sun through it it looked like it was on fire and at the same moment we pointed at the tree and said "That looks like the tree from The Ring" and so I floored it back to grandmas house which was a couple of miles away. Ok, I'll admit the movie, The Ring didn't scare me as much as I thought it was really gross and interesting somehow but when I saw that tree I freaked and I felt this wierd feeling like icicles breaking inside of me.
So then after we got home we ate pork or beef or whatever that was, potatoes, and gravy, carrots, homemade bread, and applesauce. Dinner was great... it always is at my grandparents. You know how grandmas can always cook everything just right. Well after that my dad informed my grandma I was having a party tomorrow and that my new boyfriend would be there, indicating Zack and he looked at me and smiled meliciously and said "He's what 11, or 12?" and grandma completely ignored him and turned to me and said "Oh Great! Is he nice and cute?" and I was in shock by then but I made a point to kick my dad in the leg when he made fun of Zack. So then I finally became aware enough to actually say something and I started with a defense of "He's 14 and-" and then Kate cut in finishing my sentence "and they're not going out". So then grandma was like oh ok. It was so funny that she was so amused by the fact of a new bf.
*sigh* I just got done talking to Phil again and he explains it as Zack's fault for being a *profanity I don't wish to disclose* and he's mad at me for being selfish and choosing someone I like over a friend although we were always acquaintances. I've known Zack about 2 months, if that and Phil for at least a year and I would choose liking Zack over being Phil's "friend" any day. Now that I've written 3 entries and it's techincally tomorrow, 12 am I'd better be getting to sleep.
Mandy ~ 12:04 AM
Thursday, October 09, 2003
So Tired, Can't Wait
Well tomorrow I get to go on a field trip to WalMart for Economics to "shop" for a weeks worth of groceries for my simulated family of an 8 year old boy, 11 year old girl, and husband. This is going to be so funny to see a how class of about 30 kids running around WalMart shopping with elderly people. Mr. Nelson is so funny and such a great teacher although I always try to pick fights with him, but not real ones. Then I have an Alg 2 test, I'm sure because we always get them on Fridays but I'm so happy because Mr. Heeren told us the final was open notes! So I'm not really talking about school here *rolls eyes*
After school I have to be back there at around quarter to 6 to practice for pep band at 7 which goes until half time and then we're all going back to my house to party. So far it's just planned to be... have a bonfire, dance to the cds Anthony burned specifically for the party, have pizza and soda, play some games like twister, and then goof off on the side lawn after it gets darker. Goof off is general enough for the moment and I'll fill in the details later if there will be any. I really hope this goes well because it is my first party. Not too many people are going to begin with... Katie Barbian, Anthony, Jasmine, TJ, Matt Paquette, Timmers, Heather, Emily, Chris, and Zack... so far.
Great, now Phil is pissed off... I told him I was having a party but I didn't want to create any tension because Zack will be there and a couple of other people who don't really get along with him. So he told me he was leaving and he logged off and back on and told me it was a funny concept to be a "friend". So I'm trying to make him feel better by telling him it's going to suck, which I don't really doubt. Now he's telling me to tell Zack something but he decided not to... and he just wrote... 'I can't wait until this bullshit we call HS is done' and he signed off before I could respond. I have to realize I can't be friends with everyone sooner or later and Phil is definitely a friend that'll make me lose a lot others by having him as one. Another thing about that is I should really think about why so many people dislike him and how that couldn't have just happened, and I'm not trying to say I think Phil might be a bad person but that's how it sounds. Shouldn't I get a hint by all these other people having personal vendettas against him? *sigh* Nothing is ever clear, not anymore at least.
Another reason I feel bad is that Susie can't be at my party tomorrow because she has to pack. I completely understand that she can't come but it's just that I wished she could because she's well Susie! She's one of my best friends and a party animal. Well *sigh* I don't know quite what else to write so I'm going to call it another finished blog.
Well tomorrow I get to go on a field trip to WalMart for Economics to "shop" for a weeks worth of groceries for my simulated family of an 8 year old boy, 11 year old girl, and husband. This is going to be so funny to see a how class of about 30 kids running around WalMart shopping with elderly people. Mr. Nelson is so funny and such a great teacher although I always try to pick fights with him, but not real ones. Then I have an Alg 2 test, I'm sure because we always get them on Fridays but I'm so happy because Mr. Heeren told us the final was open notes! So I'm not really talking about school here *rolls eyes*
After school I have to be back there at around quarter to 6 to practice for pep band at 7 which goes until half time and then we're all going back to my house to party. So far it's just planned to be... have a bonfire, dance to the cds Anthony burned specifically for the party, have pizza and soda, play some games like twister, and then goof off on the side lawn after it gets darker. Goof off is general enough for the moment and I'll fill in the details later if there will be any. I really hope this goes well because it is my first party. Not too many people are going to begin with... Katie Barbian, Anthony, Jasmine, TJ, Matt Paquette, Timmers, Heather, Emily, Chris, and Zack... so far.
Great, now Phil is pissed off... I told him I was having a party but I didn't want to create any tension because Zack will be there and a couple of other people who don't really get along with him. So he told me he was leaving and he logged off and back on and told me it was a funny concept to be a "friend". So I'm trying to make him feel better by telling him it's going to suck, which I don't really doubt. Now he's telling me to tell Zack something but he decided not to... and he just wrote... 'I can't wait until this bullshit we call HS is done' and he signed off before I could respond. I have to realize I can't be friends with everyone sooner or later and Phil is definitely a friend that'll make me lose a lot others by having him as one. Another thing about that is I should really think about why so many people dislike him and how that couldn't have just happened, and I'm not trying to say I think Phil might be a bad person but that's how it sounds. Shouldn't I get a hint by all these other people having personal vendettas against him? *sigh* Nothing is ever clear, not anymore at least.
Another reason I feel bad is that Susie can't be at my party tomorrow because she has to pack. I completely understand that she can't come but it's just that I wished she could because she's well Susie! She's one of my best friends and a party animal. Well *sigh* I don't know quite what else to write so I'm going to call it another finished blog.
Mandy ~ 11:28 PM
Again and Again...
So Heather says she never felt like a third wheel but I get that when she says I always talk about Zack. She's the only one who says that too with the exception of Jake Cihla who isn't even an acquaintance and just assumes everything. This summer I do admit to not doing anything with Heather, yes but then again I didn't do anything at all except help out my parents when they asked. This summer the only thing I did with friends was with Heather and that was to the movies once with her and Barbian and then on the trip with her, Susie, Dakota, and Ashley. I was really depressed this summer for reasons I don't wish to bring up anymore because they are in my past but I never wanted to do anything. So I'm sorry Heather if you think I was ignoring you or whatever it was this summer but mostly I was ignoring life or at least trying to find a way out of it.
Well that's enough of that depressing writing. I just want to clear things up and I never intended on using Heather and I think she took me to something like 3 volleyball games, and powderpuff. I feel bad that she felt that way but for some reason I always want to go places during the school year and never during the summer. As I've also said before my parents have had a very short leash on me and up until this year they wouldn't let me do hardly anything and now that they're finally letting me (given that I have a ride, because they're too busy to take me anywhere) I'm trying to take advatage of that oppurtunity.
Ok speaking of parents letting me have a life now that they've realized they pretty much screwed over the social one up to now I'm having a party Friday night after the football game and since the band only has to play until halftime I get to leave early and hopefully set up but Zack needs a ride and that could be a potential problem because he'll probably want to stay and watch the game. So I'm waiting to be able to reply to his e-mail because at the moment the hotmail server is too busy and it won't let me into my inbox. It was the cutest... he said he put my picture on his dresser and it's like his Mona Lisa. Well I have to go now to help my dad take out the docks out at my grandmas house.
So Heather says she never felt like a third wheel but I get that when she says I always talk about Zack. She's the only one who says that too with the exception of Jake Cihla who isn't even an acquaintance and just assumes everything. This summer I do admit to not doing anything with Heather, yes but then again I didn't do anything at all except help out my parents when they asked. This summer the only thing I did with friends was with Heather and that was to the movies once with her and Barbian and then on the trip with her, Susie, Dakota, and Ashley. I was really depressed this summer for reasons I don't wish to bring up anymore because they are in my past but I never wanted to do anything. So I'm sorry Heather if you think I was ignoring you or whatever it was this summer but mostly I was ignoring life or at least trying to find a way out of it.
Well that's enough of that depressing writing. I just want to clear things up and I never intended on using Heather and I think she took me to something like 3 volleyball games, and powderpuff. I feel bad that she felt that way but for some reason I always want to go places during the school year and never during the summer. As I've also said before my parents have had a very short leash on me and up until this year they wouldn't let me do hardly anything and now that they're finally letting me (given that I have a ride, because they're too busy to take me anywhere) I'm trying to take advatage of that oppurtunity.
Ok speaking of parents letting me have a life now that they've realized they pretty much screwed over the social one up to now I'm having a party Friday night after the football game and since the band only has to play until halftime I get to leave early and hopefully set up but Zack needs a ride and that could be a potential problem because he'll probably want to stay and watch the game. So I'm waiting to be able to reply to his e-mail because at the moment the hotmail server is too busy and it won't let me into my inbox. It was the cutest... he said he put my picture on his dresser and it's like his Mona Lisa. Well I have to go now to help my dad take out the docks out at my grandmas house.
Mandy ~ 3:52 PM
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
I Give Up
The only thing I really have to look forward to is seeing Zack at the football game on Friday. Now Ben's kicking me off so I can't write anything else...
Well that was a great first paragraph. Another thing I'm somewhat happy about is the fact that I got a B on my Alg 2 quiz from yesterday, which was a nice unexpected suprise. I only got a 64% on my report for Economics though and I was so disappointed I didn't even want to pick it up after class so I just left it there but I'll pick it up tomorrow. I was getting a C in Economics and a B in Alg but I'm sure I'm getting a lot lower than that now. I don't even want to talk about that anymore because it just depresses me at how stupid I am.
I'm still feeling distracted and I'm slightly peeved because someone stole $15 in candy from my fundraising bag and now I have to pay for that like I had to pay $5 out of my last one because people keep ripping me off. It's not the transactions either because I always make sure to double check the amount payed. The only time I left my bag unsupervised was during Wind Ensomble. So I'm going to remove the temptation of those bastards that stole from me. Well I'm going because I'm just getting more frusterated. I'm supposed to be making money and not losing it... damn dresses.
Wait, first I'm going to write something about Zack because he's the only person that really makes me happy. No offense to everyone else but he seems to be the only one really bothering with me. He asked me to go meet him at Hodag Park on Friday I'm thinking although I have a pep band that starts an hour and a half before the game so I don't know how that'd be possible. The night of pep bands I usually come home, eat, and then I'm right back to school... but Zack said he goes to visit his grandma at that nursing home and then he walks around the park for 5-6 hours alone so it would be great to meet up with him. Well now that I've talked some about Zack I'm happy although I'm talking to Jasmine about getting a job and my license which makes me unhappy.
The only thing I really have to look forward to is seeing Zack at the football game on Friday. Now Ben's kicking me off so I can't write anything else...
Well that was a great first paragraph. Another thing I'm somewhat happy about is the fact that I got a B on my Alg 2 quiz from yesterday, which was a nice unexpected suprise. I only got a 64% on my report for Economics though and I was so disappointed I didn't even want to pick it up after class so I just left it there but I'll pick it up tomorrow. I was getting a C in Economics and a B in Alg but I'm sure I'm getting a lot lower than that now. I don't even want to talk about that anymore because it just depresses me at how stupid I am.
I'm still feeling distracted and I'm slightly peeved because someone stole $15 in candy from my fundraising bag and now I have to pay for that like I had to pay $5 out of my last one because people keep ripping me off. It's not the transactions either because I always make sure to double check the amount payed. The only time I left my bag unsupervised was during Wind Ensomble. So I'm going to remove the temptation of those bastards that stole from me. Well I'm going because I'm just getting more frusterated. I'm supposed to be making money and not losing it... damn dresses.
Wait, first I'm going to write something about Zack because he's the only person that really makes me happy. No offense to everyone else but he seems to be the only one really bothering with me. He asked me to go meet him at Hodag Park on Friday I'm thinking although I have a pep band that starts an hour and a half before the game so I don't know how that'd be possible. The night of pep bands I usually come home, eat, and then I'm right back to school... but Zack said he goes to visit his grandma at that nursing home and then he walks around the park for 5-6 hours alone so it would be great to meet up with him. Well now that I've talked some about Zack I'm happy although I'm talking to Jasmine about getting a job and my license which makes me unhappy.
Mandy ~ 5:48 PM
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
Wondering How it Happened
Well I just read Heathers blogger because she said she posted a new one and I was happy until I read it. It was all about well how she thinks I'm using her. Well here, you can read it for yourself since she couldn't tell me to my face I guess I won't have to tell her to her face either...
OK, i may be wrong but i think manda's using me.. in fact im very sure shes using me for zack. I dont think she'd go to half of that stuff if zack wasnt there. and she wouldnt take me w/her if she had a ride. How do i tell her nicely how i feel? I just dont kno what to do anymore. and now that im on a roll.. all i hear about is zack and how her parents dont like zack and zack zack zack! and then theres her friend w/a minivan.. who's parents let her go places.. and her friend loves to go do stuff and has fun w/manda and zack but finally figured it out that manda doesnt want to spend time like that w/her.. she just wants to spend time w/ZACK! u kno.. friends just dont use friends like that Argh.. runnning mascara.. i should go fix that.. have a nice day!
I started crying and I'm not going to hide my feelings but I'm very hurt she feels this way so now I'm not going to talk about Zack to her anymore. Obviously it annoys her that I talk about him and ask her to come to take me to the games because my parents won't. My dad is always tired and he goes to sleep right away when he gets home and my mom gets so sick she can't even drive because she goes in between being sick and napping on the couch all night. I didn't mean to burden Heather so much but I guess I won't anymore. Heather took me to the games and I always asked if she felt like a third wheel but she never said yes so I assumed she was ok with it and I liked her being there because she made it less awkward. *sigh* I give up. I only get to see Zack a couple times a week and I was very thankful Heather gave me rides but I guess it was using her so I won't do that anymore. Well Zack, if you're reading this, and I know you are that pretty much means no more games. Sorry again Heather I really didn't mean to make it seem that way.
Well I just read Heathers blogger because she said she posted a new one and I was happy until I read it. It was all about well how she thinks I'm using her. Well here, you can read it for yourself since she couldn't tell me to my face I guess I won't have to tell her to her face either...
OK, i may be wrong but i think manda's using me.. in fact im very sure shes using me for zack. I dont think she'd go to half of that stuff if zack wasnt there. and she wouldnt take me w/her if she had a ride. How do i tell her nicely how i feel? I just dont kno what to do anymore. and now that im on a roll.. all i hear about is zack and how her parents dont like zack and zack zack zack! and then theres her friend w/a minivan.. who's parents let her go places.. and her friend loves to go do stuff and has fun w/manda and zack but finally figured it out that manda doesnt want to spend time like that w/her.. she just wants to spend time w/ZACK! u kno.. friends just dont use friends like that Argh.. runnning mascara.. i should go fix that.. have a nice day!
I started crying and I'm not going to hide my feelings but I'm very hurt she feels this way so now I'm not going to talk about Zack to her anymore. Obviously it annoys her that I talk about him and ask her to come to take me to the games because my parents won't. My dad is always tired and he goes to sleep right away when he gets home and my mom gets so sick she can't even drive because she goes in between being sick and napping on the couch all night. I didn't mean to burden Heather so much but I guess I won't anymore. Heather took me to the games and I always asked if she felt like a third wheel but she never said yes so I assumed she was ok with it and I liked her being there because she made it less awkward. *sigh* I give up. I only get to see Zack a couple times a week and I was very thankful Heather gave me rides but I guess it was using her so I won't do that anymore. Well Zack, if you're reading this, and I know you are that pretty much means no more games. Sorry again Heather I really didn't mean to make it seem that way.
Mandy ~ 9:52 PM
Once More
Well I'm glad I didn't have to go to school yesterday because we had a 3 day weekend for teachers in-service. I like having 4 days of school and 3 days of weekend although technically I didn't do anything on my weekend. The only thing I did was Friday night bowling and I already talked about that. I handed out a few pictures to some friends today and did the usual routine. Jake Cihla informed me I'm obsessed with Zack because I talked about him for a few seconds. I tried to explain the whole fact that I only get to see Zack twice a week, maybe whereas he gets to see his gf every day. I asked him how he would feel if he only got to see Kayla twice a week and he said "UH! I'd rather not think about that!" and he just snubbed it off. So obviously he can't fathom how I feel about hardly getting to see Zack. Besides that and the fact that Jake and Kayla's parents consent to them going out whereas Zacks parents are getting there and mine are just evil.
I'm so mad because Vix posted another blog and I can't get to it from this pc and I'd log onto msn and ask her to link it to me but for some reason msn is being gay. I have tons of Alg 2 homework that I've been majorly slacking off on because Heeren only checks it when we take tests and today we had a quiz and for the most part I think I know what I was doing but if I'm lucky I'll get it back with a passing D. *sigh* I'm just not good at school. I'm even somewhat struggling in band and the last time that happened was when I got my solo clarinet piece for Solo Ensemble and that's because it was a class A, which is the hardest and I ended up getting a *1st and going to state and getting a perfect there as well.
I've been pretty distracted lately and earlier I actually went for a half hour jog with Shadow and I tired her out pretty bad, I hope she won't be limping when she wakes up. Shadow's going to be 9 this Christmas, or around there so she's getting pretty old and besides that when she was about 2 she got ran over by a truck and it crushed her skull, ribs, and tore open one of her organs. She still has the scar on her forehead and a huge lump on the side of her vertebrae by her back leg. She's done pretty well since then but now whenever she runs for a while she limps about favoring her front left leg. I love Shadow and I feel bad that she's in pain.
I don't know what else to write about except to say I hope Zack e-mails me because I love reading his e-mails. I actually made him his own folder in my account and there are 51 e-mails from one month of us writing back and forth. We've talked a couple of times on the phone but we aren't really phone people, that I know of. I'm thinking we just need to warm up to each other more and just be able to talk and I'm trying. Ang, Zack's sister has a home volleyball game this Thursday and I'm really hoping Vix can take me because she's taken me every other time. Thanks again Vix, because you are the primary reason I even get to see Zack. I love Vix and she's ok with just hanging out with Zack and me. Last time Kate came and then she actually had someone to hang out with but for some reason I liked it better when it was just Vix, Zack, and me.
Lately Kate and I have been more ornery towards each other and open to taking out our frustrations on each other. Today at lunch in the auditorium I actually made her cry in front of Nick and Vix and they both left because they were uncomfortable I'm sure. Kate hinted to our mom that I kissed Zack and possibly more, which was a lie (the possibly more part) and so I told mom that Kate had Josh over without permission. So Kate got yelled at and nothing worse but now she's all pissed at me when she made our parents even more weary about Zack. My chances of my parents actually allowing me to go out with Zack were slim in the first place and now they're even lower. I'm really going to have to suck up to them. I printed off one of Zacks e-mails and showed my parents last night how sweet Zack is and after my dad read it he laughed and said "Poor bastard" and my mom just kind of shrugged it off and I asked her what she thought because that was the reason I made her read it and all she said was "What do you want me to think? It was nice". I'm just trying to tell myself it could've been worse.
Next year Zack's going to be a Freshman and I'm going to be a Senior and those relationships have happened a lot. I was close to having one previously but I was a Sophomore and he was a Senior. I can name off at least 2 handfuls of couples I personally know who've had Senior/Freshman relationships so what's so wrong with Junior/8th grader? *sigh* I should just give up but I can't because I like Zack so much and he even wrote that if I don't like him not to waste my time on him and I'm just hoping he didn't mean that as in not for him to waste his time on me. Just because there's a 3 year difference doesn't mean it can't work out. He's very mature for his age, emotionally and physically and I'm sure I've probably said that before but it's true and I don't see anything wrong with it. My parents don't even seem to be open to the possibility. Well I'm not sure what else I can possibly write without complaining anymore about the situation so I'm going to go and Zack, start your blogger so I can read it. Hehe.
Well I'm glad I didn't have to go to school yesterday because we had a 3 day weekend for teachers in-service. I like having 4 days of school and 3 days of weekend although technically I didn't do anything on my weekend. The only thing I did was Friday night bowling and I already talked about that. I handed out a few pictures to some friends today and did the usual routine. Jake Cihla informed me I'm obsessed with Zack because I talked about him for a few seconds. I tried to explain the whole fact that I only get to see Zack twice a week, maybe whereas he gets to see his gf every day. I asked him how he would feel if he only got to see Kayla twice a week and he said "UH! I'd rather not think about that!" and he just snubbed it off. So obviously he can't fathom how I feel about hardly getting to see Zack. Besides that and the fact that Jake and Kayla's parents consent to them going out whereas Zacks parents are getting there and mine are just evil.
I'm so mad because Vix posted another blog and I can't get to it from this pc and I'd log onto msn and ask her to link it to me but for some reason msn is being gay. I have tons of Alg 2 homework that I've been majorly slacking off on because Heeren only checks it when we take tests and today we had a quiz and for the most part I think I know what I was doing but if I'm lucky I'll get it back with a passing D. *sigh* I'm just not good at school. I'm even somewhat struggling in band and the last time that happened was when I got my solo clarinet piece for Solo Ensemble and that's because it was a class A, which is the hardest and I ended up getting a *1st and going to state and getting a perfect there as well.
I've been pretty distracted lately and earlier I actually went for a half hour jog with Shadow and I tired her out pretty bad, I hope she won't be limping when she wakes up. Shadow's going to be 9 this Christmas, or around there so she's getting pretty old and besides that when she was about 2 she got ran over by a truck and it crushed her skull, ribs, and tore open one of her organs. She still has the scar on her forehead and a huge lump on the side of her vertebrae by her back leg. She's done pretty well since then but now whenever she runs for a while she limps about favoring her front left leg. I love Shadow and I feel bad that she's in pain.
I don't know what else to write about except to say I hope Zack e-mails me because I love reading his e-mails. I actually made him his own folder in my account and there are 51 e-mails from one month of us writing back and forth. We've talked a couple of times on the phone but we aren't really phone people, that I know of. I'm thinking we just need to warm up to each other more and just be able to talk and I'm trying. Ang, Zack's sister has a home volleyball game this Thursday and I'm really hoping Vix can take me because she's taken me every other time. Thanks again Vix, because you are the primary reason I even get to see Zack. I love Vix and she's ok with just hanging out with Zack and me. Last time Kate came and then she actually had someone to hang out with but for some reason I liked it better when it was just Vix, Zack, and me.
Lately Kate and I have been more ornery towards each other and open to taking out our frustrations on each other. Today at lunch in the auditorium I actually made her cry in front of Nick and Vix and they both left because they were uncomfortable I'm sure. Kate hinted to our mom that I kissed Zack and possibly more, which was a lie (the possibly more part) and so I told mom that Kate had Josh over without permission. So Kate got yelled at and nothing worse but now she's all pissed at me when she made our parents even more weary about Zack. My chances of my parents actually allowing me to go out with Zack were slim in the first place and now they're even lower. I'm really going to have to suck up to them. I printed off one of Zacks e-mails and showed my parents last night how sweet Zack is and after my dad read it he laughed and said "Poor bastard" and my mom just kind of shrugged it off and I asked her what she thought because that was the reason I made her read it and all she said was "What do you want me to think? It was nice". I'm just trying to tell myself it could've been worse.
Next year Zack's going to be a Freshman and I'm going to be a Senior and those relationships have happened a lot. I was close to having one previously but I was a Sophomore and he was a Senior. I can name off at least 2 handfuls of couples I personally know who've had Senior/Freshman relationships so what's so wrong with Junior/8th grader? *sigh* I should just give up but I can't because I like Zack so much and he even wrote that if I don't like him not to waste my time on him and I'm just hoping he didn't mean that as in not for him to waste his time on me. Just because there's a 3 year difference doesn't mean it can't work out. He's very mature for his age, emotionally and physically and I'm sure I've probably said that before but it's true and I don't see anything wrong with it. My parents don't even seem to be open to the possibility. Well I'm not sure what else I can possibly write without complaining anymore about the situation so I'm going to go and Zack, start your blogger so I can read it. Hehe.
Mandy ~ 8:48 PM
Sunday, October 05, 2003
Then There Was...
I love it how all most of my titles are completely irrelevant. Well at the moment I'm talking to Vix and Susie on msn, watching the Packers, and writing Zack an e-mail. This is going no where because I keep getting caught up in the game so I'm going to finish this later...
*sigh* Well after I watched the Packer game, which they won 35-13 and then I took a shower and Zack called and we talked for half an hour. It was so cute because he didn't know what to say so basically I dominated the whole conversation until I told him he should talk that he should just go off on a tangent or whatever he wanted to talk about. The last thing I wanted to do was listen to myself talk to Zack... I at least wanted to hear him talk and he did towards the end, which was very nice. Then he e-mailed me a little while later and I didn't get to read it right away because Sarah and Ben were occupying both computers. So I finally got around to reading it and I e-mailed him back sharing my feelings as well. *sigh* My tummy flutters everytime I think about him. Now I've given this address to him so he'll be reading everything I write about him and I'm glad because then he'll know how I feel about him. Well I'm too happy to even put a considerable thought into this any longer so I'm going to go chat on msn and wait in hopes he'll e-mail me again.
I love it how all most of my titles are completely irrelevant. Well at the moment I'm talking to Vix and Susie on msn, watching the Packers, and writing Zack an e-mail. This is going no where because I keep getting caught up in the game so I'm going to finish this later...
*sigh* Well after I watched the Packer game, which they won 35-13 and then I took a shower and Zack called and we talked for half an hour. It was so cute because he didn't know what to say so basically I dominated the whole conversation until I told him he should talk that he should just go off on a tangent or whatever he wanted to talk about. The last thing I wanted to do was listen to myself talk to Zack... I at least wanted to hear him talk and he did towards the end, which was very nice. Then he e-mailed me a little while later and I didn't get to read it right away because Sarah and Ben were occupying both computers. So I finally got around to reading it and I e-mailed him back sharing my feelings as well. *sigh* My tummy flutters everytime I think about him. Now I've given this address to him so he'll be reading everything I write about him and I'm glad because then he'll know how I feel about him. Well I'm too happy to even put a considerable thought into this any longer so I'm going to go chat on msn and wait in hopes he'll e-mail me again.
Mandy ~ 1:53 PM
Saturday, October 04, 2003
*Paranormal Dreamer* Wait, That Isn't How the Song Goes...
So I forgot to mention I had a few dreams last night… the first one I remember (the one I had earlier in the night) was after I got home I thought that I was still with everyone but we were all in my room. I was lying in my bed but I was really still at bowling with everyone and I was just kind of watching everything. I was completely aware that I was in my bed but every time I blinked I went between being in the bowling alley and being in my bed; like closing my eyes was the door to another world. Basically I go from 10 seconds of the bowling alley to 10 seconds of being awake in my bed and the weird thing was I was fully aware of what was happening although I know it’s not possible to be able to jump between sleeping and being awake every 10 seconds or however long the time was. All I knew about the time was it was a fast transition between the two and when I went from one to the other it was just like that… I was awake and then I was asleep. So after I was convinced it was over I took off my shirt because I was really hot and I snuggled down and guess what… I’m in the bowling alley topless. The thing was only I saw myself topless but everyone else saw me in the clothes I wore to the bowling alley earlier. I knew that because every time the lights blinked at the bowling alley I saw myself dressed as I was earlier at the bowling alley and then I saw me in what I was wearing when I went to sleep. It was really tripping me out because it was so realistic and towards the end of it all I was convinced everyone from the bowling alley was in my room around my bed just talking to me like it was nothing and I was sitting in my bed with the blankets over me so I wouldn’t expose myself. The fact that I was topless didn’t bother them; either that or they saw me in clothes. I noticed a disturbing trend though during those few hours in which it happened. When I was in the bowling alley every time I tried to get close to Zack I couldn’t. Right as I was about to hug him or something I flashed back into my room and when I’d blink again I’d be in the bowling alley as far away from Zack as possible with still staying relatively near everyone else. It was nice to see Zack but I wanted more than anything to just touch him or for him to touch me. It was like I needed physical contact with him.
So after that I finally fell asleep and I had another weird dream but it was like a typical dream this time because I didn’t switch between that and being awake through the whole thing. So what I can remember of that one was Kate wanted to go to some lake to watch before the storm so we pedaled on a two-person bike and walked through the woods on this huge open path to this opening. I also can’t forget to mention the huge grassy fields we biked through which were absolutely gorgeous although I wouldn’t think so if I saw them in real life. When we reached the spot I pointed out 3 ferrets that were in the same position as this painting I saw before and I pointed it out to Kate and she remarked at how cute they were. The only thing that was different about these ferrets was the fact that they were bangle striped; white with black stripes like bangle tigers. So they popped up when we came around but they stuck by us for some time and subliminally talked to us. They told us they needed to find a place to live and they were thinking the tree tops sounded about right even though the birds were up there. When they spoke the word birds into our minds it sounded weird so we questioned into their minds about the birds and then we all simultaneously looked out across the lake to the other side where we saw these huge birds swooping around. When I say huge I mean bigger than bald eagles, something that would seriously scare me if I saw one face to face. When I did see the birds this eerie chill went up my spine. Then the ferrets bounced off and went to find their treetops. Now in this dream it was black and white but seemed normal to me. So Kate and I looked out over the lake at the storm clouds that formed about a mile above the treetops, which were very tall trees. I felt some warning but I didn’t really pay attention to it because Kate was so content sitting at the edge of the lake watching the clouds and enjoying the scenery because it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in my life. It was so plush and green although I saw it in black and white it was as though I was seeing it in color. It was a huge lake surrounded in even bigger woods that dwarfed everything else I’d seen in my life. So as we were watching the clouds I noticed funnels forming and then I jumped up to get out of there because it wasn’t safe anymore and Kate just sat there in a trance that seemed unbreakable. I don’t remember how I did it just that somehow I got us back on our bike and back to the house, which wasn’t our house. So we walked up to the house and there was a funnel behind it approaching us and Kate acknowledged it and we turned around to run away somehow and we found our dad laying on a bench and we ran to him and told him and he told us to get under the blanket and I sat next to him on the bench and covered myself with the blanket and Kate grabbed my ankle at the last minute and somehow we survived.
So that’s about all I really care to write about of my dreams because the rest of the second one is just stupid and involves me running around in the house and some guys playing a video game, yup I just summed up the end of that dream. Oh and if anyone can make any sense of that first one. The part where I go between being awake and asleep please tell me because it freaked the hell out of me. Thank you, now to day dreaming about Zack.
So I forgot to mention I had a few dreams last night… the first one I remember (the one I had earlier in the night) was after I got home I thought that I was still with everyone but we were all in my room. I was lying in my bed but I was really still at bowling with everyone and I was just kind of watching everything. I was completely aware that I was in my bed but every time I blinked I went between being in the bowling alley and being in my bed; like closing my eyes was the door to another world. Basically I go from 10 seconds of the bowling alley to 10 seconds of being awake in my bed and the weird thing was I was fully aware of what was happening although I know it’s not possible to be able to jump between sleeping and being awake every 10 seconds or however long the time was. All I knew about the time was it was a fast transition between the two and when I went from one to the other it was just like that… I was awake and then I was asleep. So after I was convinced it was over I took off my shirt because I was really hot and I snuggled down and guess what… I’m in the bowling alley topless. The thing was only I saw myself topless but everyone else saw me in the clothes I wore to the bowling alley earlier. I knew that because every time the lights blinked at the bowling alley I saw myself dressed as I was earlier at the bowling alley and then I saw me in what I was wearing when I went to sleep. It was really tripping me out because it was so realistic and towards the end of it all I was convinced everyone from the bowling alley was in my room around my bed just talking to me like it was nothing and I was sitting in my bed with the blankets over me so I wouldn’t expose myself. The fact that I was topless didn’t bother them; either that or they saw me in clothes. I noticed a disturbing trend though during those few hours in which it happened. When I was in the bowling alley every time I tried to get close to Zack I couldn’t. Right as I was about to hug him or something I flashed back into my room and when I’d blink again I’d be in the bowling alley as far away from Zack as possible with still staying relatively near everyone else. It was nice to see Zack but I wanted more than anything to just touch him or for him to touch me. It was like I needed physical contact with him.
So after that I finally fell asleep and I had another weird dream but it was like a typical dream this time because I didn’t switch between that and being awake through the whole thing. So what I can remember of that one was Kate wanted to go to some lake to watch before the storm so we pedaled on a two-person bike and walked through the woods on this huge open path to this opening. I also can’t forget to mention the huge grassy fields we biked through which were absolutely gorgeous although I wouldn’t think so if I saw them in real life. When we reached the spot I pointed out 3 ferrets that were in the same position as this painting I saw before and I pointed it out to Kate and she remarked at how cute they were. The only thing that was different about these ferrets was the fact that they were bangle striped; white with black stripes like bangle tigers. So they popped up when we came around but they stuck by us for some time and subliminally talked to us. They told us they needed to find a place to live and they were thinking the tree tops sounded about right even though the birds were up there. When they spoke the word birds into our minds it sounded weird so we questioned into their minds about the birds and then we all simultaneously looked out across the lake to the other side where we saw these huge birds swooping around. When I say huge I mean bigger than bald eagles, something that would seriously scare me if I saw one face to face. When I did see the birds this eerie chill went up my spine. Then the ferrets bounced off and went to find their treetops. Now in this dream it was black and white but seemed normal to me. So Kate and I looked out over the lake at the storm clouds that formed about a mile above the treetops, which were very tall trees. I felt some warning but I didn’t really pay attention to it because Kate was so content sitting at the edge of the lake watching the clouds and enjoying the scenery because it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in my life. It was so plush and green although I saw it in black and white it was as though I was seeing it in color. It was a huge lake surrounded in even bigger woods that dwarfed everything else I’d seen in my life. So as we were watching the clouds I noticed funnels forming and then I jumped up to get out of there because it wasn’t safe anymore and Kate just sat there in a trance that seemed unbreakable. I don’t remember how I did it just that somehow I got us back on our bike and back to the house, which wasn’t our house. So we walked up to the house and there was a funnel behind it approaching us and Kate acknowledged it and we turned around to run away somehow and we found our dad laying on a bench and we ran to him and told him and he told us to get under the blanket and I sat next to him on the bench and covered myself with the blanket and Kate grabbed my ankle at the last minute and somehow we survived.
So that’s about all I really care to write about of my dreams because the rest of the second one is just stupid and involves me running around in the house and some guys playing a video game, yup I just summed up the end of that dream. Oh and if anyone can make any sense of that first one. The part where I go between being awake and asleep please tell me because it freaked the hell out of me. Thank you, now to day dreaming about Zack.
Mandy ~ 11:06 AM
Bowling
Wow, I just realized I haven't written in this for 5 days. Well last night I went bowling with Katie Barbian, Anthony Hook, Josh Warmuth, Kate (sister), Emily Evenson, Vix, and most importantly Zack. Well not most important but I really enjoyed sharing the night with him. So my highest score was 127 and I got 4 strikes, which is amazing for me since I can't bowl at all. Zack told me he couldn't bowl either but he was always picking up the spares so obviously he could. I loved dancing and the whole night I was with Zack. I can't remember a moment when we weren't together. I was smacking his ass, grabbing his ass when he'd go up to bowl and one time he accidentally hit me with the ball but it was ok. I was using a 10 lb ball until I accidentally grabbed Zack's ball that was 14 lbs and I got a strike so I found out that I liked using his ball instead. That didn't sound perverted at all although it could've been taken that way. *rolls eyes* So basically the whole night was bowling and dancing and I tried to dance with Zack but the people in the next lane were parents and their young children and my dancing is kind of explicit but not really. Well lets just say it's bad for younger kids and adults to see. Towards the end of the night they were only playing hard rock... the music you can't really do anything but have a mash pit to. So Vix informed me that we had to leave because it was quarter to 12 and she had to be home by 12 so Zack walked me out to the van and Vix was like "Ok, now say goodbye and kiss and get in the van". So I hugged Zack and we're both like she said kiss so we kissed and all of a sudden I heard this ooooohhhing from the van and Kate and Vix were all like yay, you kissed him and I was so embarassed. It was the first time I kissed Zack and I just was so happy and speechless. Before that Zack and I agreed that we were going to start making out next time they tried to force us to kiss so I was going to and then I guess he was just for a quick kiss so it ended up being like a quick 5 second kiss, which wasn't bad because it was our first. *sigh* Well I'm going to go walk around in a dream land now and wait for Zack to call or e-mail me to inform me whether or not his party for today is still on. If I don't go to his party Ben said he wanted to go to Wausau.
Wow, I just realized I haven't written in this for 5 days. Well last night I went bowling with Katie Barbian, Anthony Hook, Josh Warmuth, Kate (sister), Emily Evenson, Vix, and most importantly Zack. Well not most important but I really enjoyed sharing the night with him. So my highest score was 127 and I got 4 strikes, which is amazing for me since I can't bowl at all. Zack told me he couldn't bowl either but he was always picking up the spares so obviously he could. I loved dancing and the whole night I was with Zack. I can't remember a moment when we weren't together. I was smacking his ass, grabbing his ass when he'd go up to bowl and one time he accidentally hit me with the ball but it was ok. I was using a 10 lb ball until I accidentally grabbed Zack's ball that was 14 lbs and I got a strike so I found out that I liked using his ball instead. That didn't sound perverted at all although it could've been taken that way. *rolls eyes* So basically the whole night was bowling and dancing and I tried to dance with Zack but the people in the next lane were parents and their young children and my dancing is kind of explicit but not really. Well lets just say it's bad for younger kids and adults to see. Towards the end of the night they were only playing hard rock... the music you can't really do anything but have a mash pit to. So Vix informed me that we had to leave because it was quarter to 12 and she had to be home by 12 so Zack walked me out to the van and Vix was like "Ok, now say goodbye and kiss and get in the van". So I hugged Zack and we're both like she said kiss so we kissed and all of a sudden I heard this ooooohhhing from the van and Kate and Vix were all like yay, you kissed him and I was so embarassed. It was the first time I kissed Zack and I just was so happy and speechless. Before that Zack and I agreed that we were going to start making out next time they tried to force us to kiss so I was going to and then I guess he was just for a quick kiss so it ended up being like a quick 5 second kiss, which wasn't bad because it was our first. *sigh* Well I'm going to go walk around in a dream land now and wait for Zack to call or e-mail me to inform me whether or not his party for today is still on. If I don't go to his party Ben said he wanted to go to Wausau.
Mandy ~ 11:03 AM