~The Music of My Life~

Sunday, November 30, 2003

Procrastinating Again

Well I have a big Sociology project due tomorrow and I haven't even started it. I wasn't completely lazy however. I started my sketchbook for Ceramics and have 27 out of 30 pages done. I put together quite a few collages to fill the pages instead of leaving them half empty. I hope she appreciates the work I did on it because I completely sherked my responsibility towards my required class. Yay, I have art club after school tomorrow although I'm not too happy about the school aspect of it.

So on Tuesday, after school I was thoroughly confused because everyone was fawning over Kansas (Adam Collins) a friend from band. Well it was only today that I found out he was pulled out of school to attend a boarding school because the band is a bad influence on him. That's where being over religious fucks with your life. *sigh* Why is it that I never get to say goodbye, I'm always too late.

So Zach called me a few hours ago after he got home from work and he said he was going to go take a half hour shower and then call me back and I guess that never happened. I waited for him to call instead of doing my Sociology project. I shouldn't let a boy mess with my life and now I'm getting more lazy because earlier I actually wanted to get all of my school work done. Ok, I'm pissed and it isn't Zach's fault.

It's called miscommunication and yea... we get five days off from school and I didn't see him once. I actually went and saw Elf with Kate, Mike, and Katie Barbian. If it wouldn't have been for Katie I would've gone insane because Kate and Mike went down the row and sat by themselves and didn't even watch half the movie. On the way home I was getting a little mmm antsy and Mike and Kate definitely noticed but paid no attention and enjoyed themselves.

I can't wait until I get into the situation where it's just Kate, Zach, and me and I get to drive her insane and not pay any attention to her. I highly doubt that'll ever happen because I know she wouldn't be caught dead going anywhere with just Zach and me.

A lot of things have been aggravating me lately... being ignored, not seeing Zach, being lazy, not being informed, and this blog not posting my bloggers! *sigh* Well this frustrated chicky is going to go TRY to do her Sociology project, but I probably won't be able to because obviously my mind will be somewhere else. (I know, talking in third person is annoying but I just couldn't help myself).

Mandy ~ 4:43 PM

Friday, November 28, 2003

Things I Forget

On Tuesday after school I was walking somewhere though I can't remember and someone elbowed me but in a playful way so I knew it was a friend and I elbowed them back. I turned around and saw my ex, Matt and he gave me his signature smirk that I used to find so sexy so I smiled back at him. I felt weird though because immediately I thought of Zach and wished he were by my side. Well that's the only thing I forgot to mention besides talking to Adam yesterday on msn.

Mandy ~ 1:41 PM

Thursday, November 27, 2003

Well...

This morning Kate apologized for everything and I was relieved that we weren't fighting anymore. I just read her second blog about me and got really aggravated again... since everything is already solved I'm not going to copy everything she wrote and reply to it like she did to me but I just want to highlight one point where she's a hipocrit.

~im sorry i think abotu depressing things. im sorry i dotn understand what its like to be u, im so used to being so sad, i cant really understand what its like to jump from bf to bf. im sorry U cant remember ripping me down, but i sure as hell can.

I always think about depressing things... have you not really read this blog? Almost all of it's depressing. Of course you don't understand what it's like to be me but does anyone besides me know that? It's the same with every single person on this earth. You can't understand what it's like to jump from bf to bf eh? Not like you cheated on Jeff with two other guys and then immediately... days after you broke up with him you were with Mike. I don't ever remember a time when you were single for more than a couple of weeks, and that's stretching it. Whereas me, between Zack Baron and Zach Farris (and this is cheating because I never went out with Zack...) it was exactly two weeks and I wasn't planning on going out with a guy for a long time. Between Mike (again, never had a relationship with him) and Zack Baron it was at least a month. Between Scott and Mike it was at least four months so I don't exactly call that bf jumping considering I only went out with Scott.

So now I'm talking to Adam and he shocked me but I can't write about it before I talk to Zach about it because it would be unfair to him... so I'm going to go.

Mandy ~ 3:04 PM

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

The Tears that I Cry

Well I just read Kate's blogger and I'm extremely hurt. I'm not going to say anything to her though because just last year I felt the same way... that I was changing so much and no one was truely there for me. That I was so different I didn't even know myself anymore and I felt as though I weren't even in my skin. I hated that feeling and I guess after so much crying I became calloused to realizing not only was the world changing but it was inevitable for me to stay the same. Now that I've known people are only in things for themselves... even when you help someone it makes you feel better about yourself. Everything comes back to yourself in the end. The only thing that changes what comes back is what you did in the first place.

If anyone's doing anything Kate's pushing me away, far away from her. Whenever I try to comfort her or ask her questions about how she is she says it doesn't matter or that she's fine when I know she isn't. She doesn't tell me anything so how the fuck can I help her? She's like trying to read a polished rock, if anything the only thing I get back mimics my own reflection. I've never really feel as though I comforted her much but that Mike, Jeff, or any other guy in her life has done a much better job about it. It's probably her romanticism coming out when she wants to be a feeble female rescued by some dashing man who sweeps in to save her day. So when I say I think I don't really help that much when i comfort her I mean I KNOW I don't.

It's some sort of a vicious circle too. Whenever she has a boyfriend there's no use for me anymore and she completely ignores me and puts all of her time and effort into her boyfriend. It's like she picks me up whenever it's conveiniant to her. Like I'm a substitute for whenever she doesn't have a boyfriend to comfort her and occupy and entertain her. Another thing is I haven't even been much help to myself lately because all of my friends are having problems, school, extras... it just feels like everything is crashing in on me and there's nothing I can do to support my life anymore.

In all truth I actually think Kate's taking out all of her aggressions towards Mike on me for when we used to like each other. She knows she can't take them out on Mike because he's done nothing so she takes them out on me because she's so close to me and she knows it won't have any dier consequences because we always make up in the end because we have to. Not like being sisters has any effect on that *rolls eyes* She treats me like such shit and she knows there's nothing I can do about it because I'll always be there... unless I accidentally die, but we won't get into that now although some peace would be nice right about now.

I have all right to talk about this and pretend like I'm going to commit suicide because Kate says shit like that all the time although everyone knows she's the biggest bluffer alive and she only does it because it's serious and it gets her pity and attention. Yes, I'm fully aware she wrote that I said that because it's true, and she needs to realize she uses serious issues to her advantage by faking the attemps at them. Oh and by the way Kate, although I'm sure you'd never read this because it is about me... offering my opinions doesn't 'ruin everything' in your life because you're the one in control of your life and you do what you want.

Seriously, this is the first time I've ripped you down in... I can't quite remember but again I believe you're just saying I'm ripping you down so you have something to bitch about and you do that rather well. It's not my fault you 'didn't sleep' last night. I came in at 1 am and went straight to sleep and you were already sleeping by then. You told me you were going to take a shower so I didn't even bother going to sleep right away because I had homework to do. Oh and it isn't my fault we share a room and that I talk in my sleep. Trust me, you've kept me up many nights by turning on the light full blast because 'you're scared'. Well now that I've vented I feel better.

Mandy ~ 6:37 PM

Monday, November 24, 2003

Surrounded and Alone

I don't understand how I can possibly feel so alone when I have so many friends, am constantly surrounded by people, and well of course, Zach. I just... I'm not as happy accepting boredom anymore, and maybe it isn't even that. Ok, I know it isn't that but I'm not sure what it is... After every new or old thing ends I feel it come back again and it always seems to be there, underlying, waiting until it can visit me again.

The only time I ever feel completely content is when I'm with Zach and I know that's a horrible thing to say that it depends on one person... to know it depends on him only. It probably just feels like it depends on him because at the moment he's the biggest factor of it. Knowing that at some point he's going to read this makes me kind of nervous but I won't be like Mike and delete it just because I don't want people to know how I felt at a certain point in time.

Even sometimes I feel this doubt sneak into the back of my subconscious telling me that it's all fake, Zach's playing me for some temporary fun, he doesn't like me as much as I like him. So even when I'm with him sometimes I'll pull away so I'm not too clingy and he pulls me back like he actually wants me or maybe he does. *sigh* I just don't want to be hurt again because with the last guy I had no idea at all, he just sprung it on me out of nowhere.

A lot of things in my life have told me to only put full relience unto myself because even my family doesn't come through for me at times. It makes us humans, mortal, imperfect... and sometimes I wonder how the world would really be if we weren't.

Mandy ~ 11:38 PM

Sunday, November 23, 2003

For some reason I really like to end my poems with a lot of finality like using the word 'end' because I hate it when things are left hanging. Here's another poem I wrote a couple of weeks back when I met Zach and I was afraid to post it in the fear that he'd think the wrong thing or something and think I'm weird or something bad. Don't we always fear others reactions?

This is us

However weird
This is right
Mutual feelings
Without a fight
Undecided
Somehow within
Magically perfect
Our secrets to spin
Tragically happy
Only one hope
Inside my head
Visions to cope
Pulling the strings
Making the weave
Taking my heart
Off from my sleeve
Now in his hand
Still beating
Forever fleeting
This moment
True love
That is just there
Momentarily blinking
Breaking the stare
Never regretting
As the sun’s setting
One last page
The big finale
Walking death valley
And then I transcend
Into the
End

I think if you say this out loud it has a sort of fast rhythm that you just fall into. It's really weird but I think part of it is the same syllables... there is a string of eight 4 syllable ryhmes in the middle which is pretty binding. So now since it's almost midnight I should go to sleep.

Mandy ~ 11:45 PM

Here's a poem I wrote sometime within this past month, I believe. Whenever I read it I get a really dark feeling and I have no idea why I wrote it and exactly when I wrote it.

Pain

Omniscient
Depression
Blue in my veins
Coursing with torture
Going insane
Emotionally dying
Physically thriving
Living to kill
Against my will
Nostalgia sets in
Secretly missing
Reminiscing
Living within
Visiting
Painfully reliving
And in the end
Nothing contends

Mandy ~ 11:32 PM

This is a poem mainly about how I felt when Lindsey passed away. It's not the best and I wrote it about a week ago but I just decided to revise it and now I'll post it because I really have nothing else to do with it. I'm also trying to think of a poem for the scrapbook they're putting together but this definitely won't be it because it's too selfish.

Gone

Tears
Streaking down my cheeks
Internal gears
Work through the years
The impulsive function
Strained and tired
Constantly wired
Crying
Denying
Completely aloof
Without the proof
No goodbye
Said eye to eye
Be strong
Try to belong
Making the music
The memories stick
Her angelic voice
Whose choice?
Avoiding the pain
Numb again

*sigh* Oh and by the way this has absolutely nothing to do with the previous blog about realizing something.

Mandy ~ 11:27 PM

One More Day Passed My Way

This weekend altogether was a weekend. Even when I do stuff on the weekends I always feel melancholly at the end of them because then I have to return to school. Thank whoever the supreme being is that I only have two days of school this weekend because of Thanksgiving. I just realized something talking to Jasmine that scared the hell out of me so I'm going to post this before I say too much...

Mandy ~ 10:37 PM

When the Day Comes into Play

I'm sure the first thought people might have upon reading this is that I wrote it at quarter after 1 am on a Sunday. Well all I have to say is at least it isn't a Monday. Oh I'm happy just to know I only have two days to contend with this week although that means doing a lot of homework today but I'm sure once I'm started it'll fall into place. I've already missed enough homework as it is.

So what exactly am I doing at this hour of the morning writing a blog? Well let me say... actually write that I was inspired to do so after Chris mentioned I didn't write anything about Zach in the last entry and after reading Kaitlin's 15 paragraph blog from the 20th. It was mildly depressing but it definitely got her point across along with a few other pieces of knowledge I was unaware about so I highly recommend any friends of Kaitlin to read her blogger and if you don't have it go into her msn profile and it should be at the bottom under her personal website thing. If you don't even have her on your contact list I'll copy it over for you...
http://www.demoiselledansmisere.blogspot.com/
There you go.

So unto the next topic... the only reason I cut the earlier blog off there was because Sarah kicked me off her pc and I was lucky to hit the post and publish button before she took the mouse and clicked out of all my msn convos and webpages. She's like that but it's ok because it's her computer and her choice to kick me off whenever she pleases. Hey, if she wants to she wouldn't let me on it at all. The only reason I ever go on it's because Ben takes the family computer and plays EverCrack and I'm happy to report my mom's not renewing the subscription so I'm hoping to sell my characters or whatever over this website.

Friday night was much fun... Kaitlin somehow managed to convince our parents to have Mike over for the night and I was lucky enough to get the last few sentences of her convincing them to know how to play up the situation to my own advantage. I said that since Mike was coming over it would only be fair to me if Zach could as well, and they agreed. So I called up Zach last second and asked him and I think he was slightly confused at first but then he asked his mom and said he could.

So then I went through the house and just tidied up because Kaitlin decided she was going to take a shower and leave me to clean. So then I was about to put on some makeup when Zach gets here and I'm like damn so I just waited as my mom greeted them and I think that was good so she knew there would be parental supervision the whole time. So Zach came in and there I was in boarder pants and the shirt I'd been wearing earlier. I'd decided jeans were extremely stupid and uncomfortable and although boarder pants made me look like a poser, they were much more comfy. Don't ask me why I'm defending my choice of clothes because there's absolutely no reason for it because they played no part in the night.

So then we were just aloof and prancing about the house with nothing to do. We walked about and went downstairs, drank some of Sarah's hooch, looked at some photo albums upstairs, watched some tv, Mike and Kaitlin went off into our room and started talking and whatever else and Zach and I went and laid on the couch in front of my mom, which was extremely weird. At one point Zach asked if he could get some water and I got up and walked into the kitchen and poured him a glass of water and he just drank it and then I walked back into the living room and noticed about halfway there he wasn't following. I turned around back into the kitchen and he was laying on the floor and he said "Ugh, I'm so tired I'm going to go to sleep right here" and he was so cute that I had to join him on the hardwood floor.

So then we were just laying in the kitchen on the hardwood floor and I didn't really think about how weird it was just that 'I'm laying with Zach'. Then he closed his eyes and I knew... we kissed and it was nice for a first kiss. It wasn't awkward at all, at least not for me and it lasted longer than I thought and I had no idea we were going to french but I guess those things just happen. But as I said it was nice... no, it was very nice :) and I'm not complaining at all. Actually towards the end of it I couldn't keep from smiling and with the tongue and teeth... hehe. Tongue on teeth, bad Amanda, don't smile when kissing. So then we just smiled at each other and to break any little silence I said 'Wow, this is weird... my mom's no more than 20 feet away and we're on the kitchen floor' and he just smiled.

After that we went into Kaitlin's and my bedroom and we laid on my bed. He commented on how he was going to take my bed because it's so comfortable and I just looked at him. I really don't think my bed is comfortable at all... it's too hard, I like Sarah's bed much better. Then again my bed is brand new, we just got it this year. Both Kate and me got new beds and she was very mad at first because it was another thing in her life that was changing... proving to her that change is inevitable and that we're growing up and it's happening a lot more.

Mandy ~ 1:22 AM

Saturday, November 22, 2003

Ahhh, Home

Tonight and since 11 today I've been at Susie's house with Vix and Kate. It was nice to enjoy the fun that I've missed for a while now. We all went there in our pjs and glasses and didn't put any makeup on. Just like we'd be after spending the night there. Vixy made a cake and took it over there with frosting and we all frosted it and we just finished off the whole 2 layer cake before we left. Lori, Susie's mom also took us to trigs to rent some movies and we watched Legend of the Falls before we left. Now I'm comfortably at home sitting in front of Sarah's pc, which isn't so comfy because it's at an angle and yea... but it doesn't matter. When you really look at life a lot of things don't matter as much as they appear to.

Why is it that whenever people really think deeply, for the most part it seems really depressing?

Mandy ~ 9:04 PM

Thursday, November 20, 2003

When Nothing Takes Over

I have this weird feeling of nothingness right now and it's just... nothing. I got off the phone with Zach around 9:30 because he had to write a report. We didn't really talk because he was playing his new Final Fantasy game, X2 or whatever. I was just going to hang up and do my homework or talk to people on msn because we were hardly talking. I told him that I felt as though something were bothering him like he was annoyed or something and he said he had no idea what I was talking about so I just dropped it.

I've been so tired lately and nothing has really been fazing me since... well Lindsey. To know a friend can just slip out of your life like that... it made me wonder who would leave me next. After that came the thought of how it would make it so much easier to not get attached. It wouldn't be an easy feat but if I never got attached to another person as long as I lived I wouldn't have to deal with the pain of losing them. You're probably thinking about how depressing I'm being but who hasn't thought about death? If you say you haven't thought about it and you're at or over the age that you understand it than obviously you're lying.

So now that I've had my totally depressing moment for the day... ummm I'll talk about the rest of my day. This morning we went through all the music in band and it's coming together but there are still a few pieces to the puzzle that have yet to find their places. Band makes me so happy because when I'm playing clarinet and I really get into a piece everything else just melts away. It's like, ok weird concept here but try to go with me... my clarinet is no longer the instrument, I am. I've almost thoroughly convinced myself I'm not doing anymore solos because they're too nerve-racking but I think if I really fall into it like this I won't care and I'll just play.

So then after band, which we got out of early by about 14 minutes there was an assembly for acedemics. I hate those assemblies because I'm never part of them, :p. So I found Zach and I guess we were supposed to sit with our homerooms but that didn't happen because I couldn't find mine so Zach and I sat in the Juniors B homeroom row with Katie Barbian. After that he walked me to Ceramics and halfway there I was getting really frustrated because I was having one of those conversations where you're the only one who talks so then it's like talking to yourself. So I stopped holding his hand and crossed my arms across my chest and didn't say anything and suddenly he was like 'what's wrong?'. I didn't say anything for about half as long as he was silent previously and then I just looked at him and said 'finally, you're actually reacting to something'.

So then I had Ceramics and the entire hour I worked on this medium sized clay rose which is suprisingly turning out very nice. I say suprising because it's the first time I've ever worked with clay. A lot of people have given me compliments too. I'm also thinking I should go on the wheel again soon and I really have to bring in 30 textures and so far I only have like 5. So then I saw Zach again on my way to treble choir. I was talking to Jasmine and waiting for him and he walked up and I didn't really say anything to him because he started talking to another kid so I just talked to Jasmine. Then I had to go because I was going to be late and he's like 'fine, be that way' and I was like 'maybe I will be' and then I walked up and hugged him and then hurried off to treble choir, which I barely got there in time.

Then just the normal day, treble choir and then lunch with Kayla and Vix in practice room number 1. Shoot, I forgot to check in with Zunker today. Oh well, so then Kayla made me get out my clarinet and play for her. I got it out and played a little because I don't really like playing group pieces alone or solos for that matter because all the attention is on me. So for some reason my clarinet kept squeaking and it was only when I hit the octave B natural, which was weird because it didn't squeak once during band first hour. It was probably because I was practically laying down... I was sitting in the chair and had my feet up on the amp and I was like twisted.

So then I had Sociology and we had to do another new thing with an assigned group. I'm with Trisha, Billy Stole, and some new John guy who's really quiet. I have to make a list of 10 people, or more who were significant others from my conception until I was around 9-11 years of age. I have my mom, dad, Sarah, Ben, Kate, Grandma Mae, Grandma Mary Ann, Grandpa Red, my first best friend, Amanda P. from when I was 3, and that's 9 people already and that's only from the time I was born until I was 3. So that's all of my homework. I'm getting annoyed because it's 10:30 and Kate has to wake up at 6 am for DE and she still hasn't taken her shower and I'm waiting for her to take her shower so I can take mine because she gets up an hour earlier. So I'm going to go now since I have nothing more to bitch about.

Mandy ~ 10:10 PM

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

When All Else Fails...

I've noticed quite a few of my titles can be irrelevant, oh well. I only have 10 minutes on the computer because Sarah's making me get off after her show is done and I can't go on the other pc because Ben's on EverCrack. It's actually called EverQuest but it's so addictive... yea. So I don't have a lot of time to write and when I'm rushed I write about the stupidest things.

So today I felt as though Zach was pulling away from me. He told me his neck hurt and he was tired but I felt as though there was something more he wasn't telling me. I also feel bad because tonight TJ told me that I should lay off Zach after school and I got slightly aggravated because all we do is hug. (Please take no offense to this...) Mike and Kate do more than that and I just want to tell anyone who's fucking bitching to shut their face and let me be happy because whenever I'm single and my friends are in relationships and whatever I'm happy for them and I listen to them talk constantly about their bfs/gfs. So now I have to go because Sarah's kicking me out.

Mandy ~ 9:59 PM

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

When Ignorance Leaves

Well today early this morning Lindsey passed away at 3:15 am. I didn't find out until 1st hour in band when Mrs. Hanson came in and told us. It was so weird because I walked in to school and everything seemed normal and I opened the band door and this omniscent, oppressing feeling just hit me and I knew something was wrong. It was such an eerie silence and I just got this undeniable urge to find a dark corner and hide until it was all over. So Mrs. Hanson came into first hour and it was only then that my bad feeling was confermed.

The band room has always been a sanctuary to me and I'm sure to a lot of other people. It's my second home and I'm actually in the band room more than I'm in my own room at home. When I walked in today I just wanted to run back out. There was the eeriest silence I'd ever heard in my life and it scared me. I just wanted to run into a dark room and hide in the corner and wait until it was all over. After that it was pretty much a blur, mostly I cried, breaked, and cried some more. I cried until I was completely red, had a headache, and could no longer see through my contacts because the salt in my tears had dried them out.

I saw Zach in the morning and touched his back but I don't know if he noticed or not. I was going to stop and hug him but I was drawn to the band room. After band we met up and he asked me if I was ok because I'm sure he could read my face like an open book because I wasn't exactly hiding the fact that I had been crying. I didn't bother reapplying makeup because I knew the day would be filled with many more tears. So I held it together until he walked me to homeroom and right as I walked in to my homeroom I started crying again and then Vix stepped in and started comforting me, which was really nice of her. It's amazing how many people are here for me. So then I stopped again and Zach walked me down the hall to Ceramics, as always and along the way I saw Kayla crying and I stopped and turned around and reached out and we hugged and I started crying again and then Nikki Sherr came up and asked what was wrong and we told her and she immediately started bawling and then we all hugged. So Zach and Jake just stood there and they were probably feeling pretty odd because their girlfriends (yes, I just talked about myself in third person) were having a cry-fest. So I just wrote a quick poem that came from my sleep deprived mind. I figured since I haven't made one in a while why not throw some words down in unflattering patterns and phrases?

Tears
Streaking down my cheeks
Internal gears
Work through the years
The impulsive function
Strained and tired
Constantly wired
Crying
Denying
Completely aloof
No proof
No goodbye
Said eye to eye
To her face
In his embrace
Avoiding the pain
Numb again

So, yes, I'm completely aware it's very short but I'm very tired and broken and it's the best I can do before passing out from exhaustion.

There's one more thing I want to write before I leave... I skipped out of part of trebel choir to sit in the storage room while Zach, Mike, Kate, and Emily ate their lunch in there and then Zach said his tummy hurt. So he rested his head on my chest and put his arms around me and I just felt so loved. *sigh* He also kissed me on the cheek after school, which was the cutest. So now I'm leaving to sleep.

Mandy ~ 12:41 AM

Sunday, November 16, 2003

Initiative, What's That?

That sounds like me, hehe. I just kind of kick back and wait for things to happen and if I don't like them I just tell myself maybe I should've done something when I could've. Today is the last day of doing spotlight for the play, it's at 2 so I'm going there at 11:30 or 12 because I'm not quite sure when I'm supposed to be there. Katie is out flying today so I have to do the whole show by myself and I've never ran the whole show alone... I'll be all alone only connected to Anthony on a headset. Now if any day was a good day for Zach to come to the play it would be today because we'd be alone but he has work.

Two nights ago Anthony got both Katie and me carnations showing his appreciation and he even apologized to me to my face and over his blogger and that made me feel a lot better because I thought he was really mad at me. I'm just really nervous because it's my first time doing the spotlight and I just want everything to be perfect. Everyone else is doing their part and I just want to give them that equal effort they deserve. Just writing about it makes me even more nervous so I'm going to write about...

Zach came to the Friday and Saturday plays. Friday night I just started panicking and he was there and I just wanted to close my eyes and crawl into his arms. Whenever I'm in his arms it's just us and I love escaping the world like that. I have to leave for the play really soon and I'm not ready yet. I had a nice little talk with Anthony about life and how people blame themselves for things that go wrong.

~Mandy~ says:
last night i was trying to find the little mermaid for sarah and me to watch and i found a tape that read badger band day 2002
~Mandy~ says:
and i popped it in
- = Crashed my own house party 'cause nobody came = - says:
lol
~Mandy~ says:
and the first part was the spring concert
~Mandy~ says:
and i saw lindsey and i just...
~Mandy~ says:
whew
- = Crashed my own house party 'cause nobody came = - says:
yea
~Mandy~ says:
yea, it's so hard to realize
- = Crashed my own house party 'cause nobody came = - says:
makes you look at life different
~Mandy~ says:
yea, it does, a lot of things have been doing that to me recently
- = Crashed my own house party 'cause nobody came = - says:
yea
~Mandy~ says:
like a lot of things have just seemed to be happening... but it's more like they were always there and i never saw them
~Mandy~ says:
like the whole thing with jameson
- = Crashed my own house party 'cause nobody came = - says:
yeah
~Mandy~ says:
it's like everyone tells us life isn't fair and all that stuff to try to warn us but we're completely ignorant because it was always so easy, for the most part
- = Crashed my own house party 'cause nobody came = - says:
yeap
~Mandy~ says:
no one can ever tell another person how unfair life is... it's one of those things you have to experience to realize...
~Mandy~ says:
so i'm going to shut my face now because this isn't going in a good direction

= Crashed my own house party 'cause nobody came = - says:
I've aready come to terms with that, why would it depress me, I don't have control over it
~Mandy~ says:
i know but some people think they can change it... somehow, somewhere along the line the things that happen to them were caused by them or something they did played a part in what happened
~Mandy~ says:
they replay it over and over again and think of all the what-ifs and beat themselves up over them
~Mandy~ says:
although they could've never have known what they did in the past caused something else to happen, like just because something in their life effected them means that they caused it somehow
~Mandy~ says:
but that isn't always true...
- = Crashed my own house party 'cause nobody came = - says:
I don't do that, no use, you can't change it

Then he had to leave because he's going to be there right now, 12 and I have to be there in 15-30 so I'm going to go get ready. I post things for a reason... doesn't everyone do the things they do for a reason too? Whenever someone does something you don't understand don't wait to ask because you might never get the second chance to ask later.

Mandy ~ 10:42 AM

Friday, November 14, 2003

Opening Night

Tonight was the first night of the play and I did really well. The only problem I had was the very first spotlighting my shirt got caught on the wall behind me and the spot was a little choppy but everyone I asked said that I did good and they didn't even notice it. I told Shana that at intermission and she's like 'Good, now that we can fix that problem for tomorrow night it'll be perfect'. It's like they expect everything out of me and they bitch if I do the smallest thing wrong. I told a few people tonight on msn that I'm going to where a sign that says 'This is voluntary and I'll leave if you aren't nice to me'.

Now it's 12 and I have a Sociology test tomorrow and I still have to take a shower... that means I'll be getting around 3-5 hours of sleep tonight. About an hour for shower and then doing my hair (the last few days I've been going to sleep with wet hair and just curling it in the morning but I won't have time tomorrow because I'll be getting up at the regular time). Then another hour or so to study for my 153 point Sociology test tomorrow although I know none of it'll stick because it's way too late and I'll probably fall asleep halfway through. So at best I'll get five hours of sleep.

I wouldn't even care about giving up my time that I should've spent on much more important school work if they'd actually appreciate me coming in and doing spot but all I seem to get is the negatives... a few people commented me after the show but mostly Katie and me get looked over. Chris gave me the best idea to conspire with Katie and just leave one night and let them fend for themselves but Katie won't because she doesn't want to leave it on Anthony.

The part that really pissed me off was I did the first half of the show and Katie did the second and while she does the lighting I do absolutely nothing and vise versa. So I wanted to watch some of the play because since I'll be doing the lights every night I won't get to see it so Tj and me went into the audiance and sat down and after Anthony bitched at me 'You can't go into the audiance. You're either on tech or you're not' I was so pissed because if I did walk off he'd be mad and all of it would fall unto Katie and that's the only reason I'm sticking with it. That and the fact that I'd never drop something halfway through it, no matter what. I either do it or I don't.

Actually what really pisses me off is being nice. I'm too nice and I always forget that. How I got stuck with this... well Kayla was going to start crying or she was and Katie and I asked what was wrong and she told us she had to do spotlight and she had to cancel plans and she felt really bad about telling Anthony she would do spot and then she wouldn't so two days before they didn't have anyone to do spot. So Katie said she would and that she didn't want to do it alone so being nice I said I'd ask and my dad told my mom I should do it as one of those life experiences or whatever. So basically the plans Kayla was going to have to cancel were plans with Jake... and I was going to make plans Zach and I gave them up and that pisses me off because she made it sound like she had family plans or something more important.

When I found out it was because of Jake I wanted to kick myself because she gets to see Jake about a million times more than I get to see Zach and she always tells me how their parents let them go out on school nights and how they stay out until 9 or 10 and get to have all the fun. Then there's Zach and me... we went bowling last Friday and then to the movies Saturday and that's it. He can do things on school nights but I can't because my parents are pricks. So tomorrow I think I'm going to break down because I'm way too tired and pressured and by tomorrow it'll be even worse and I know sometime during the day I'm going to break and I'm just hoping it'll be during lunch so I can hide in a practice room and cry.

So enough with the negative crap... it'll all be over Sunday. Great weekend, psh. I'm just so pressured and it's all getting to me and it's just going to get progressively worse as the quarter continues and realizing that isn't making it any easier. So I said enough with the negatives? What good can I talk about? Most likely Kate will get her temps before me and that's pretty sad considering I'm 17 and she's only 15. Tomorrow night I'm retaking them for the fourth time with Kate who will be retaking them for the first time. I know I should read the book but I just... don't have the time or feel like it's a big enough priority. Hmmm, good? Oh, after 2 weeks I finally found my hair stuff that I put in when I blowdry it so it doesn't dry out. I found it on Sarah's dresser because I asked her and made it really specific but I guess she just took and and stuck it on her perfume table dresser where you can't see it right away because it's on the other side of her big dresser.

She always does that... she likes something and she takes it even if she doesn't use it all the time. Like my class ring, my favorite tank top that she stretched out, a few of my bras because we wear the same size, my adidas sandals because she didn't like the color of hers (mine are blue and hers are grey/silver), my makeup, my proactive acne medication because it worked better than hers and then I just gave it to her because I didn't want to fight, my toothpaste (I use this special stuff because my teeth are really sensitive). She takes all sorts of my stuff. The funny thing is she can't take most of my clothes because she's bigger than me so when I got this prom dress she liked the next weekend she went up to Wausau and bought the same one in her size, and for what I have no idea because she's out of highschool so obviously she has no more proms.

Ok, I'm finally going to talk about something good... Zach. Today I went to school at quarter after 11 and everyone got there late so it didn't matter that I got there 2 minutes before the bell anyway. I had treble choir first thing so I went there and happily to my suprise Zach poked his head in the chorus room. I bounded down to see him because I hadn't seen him since the previous morning because right after homeroom he went home sick. I just found my niche in his arms and stayed there talking to him for about 10 minutes and we just talked about random things and then he handed me a note, which was a new thing but I read it and the first thing I thought was how tiny his writing was. The note was about how easy the tests were and of the dream he had of me the previous night. It was weird... I knocked on his door and then chased him around and then the terminator came and attacked him.

I thought about him all tonight and how I can't wait to see him again tomorrow. I think he's also planning on going to the play tomorrow night so maybe he can come and sit in the back with me on the lights and I can do the first half again so then the second half I can just kick back with him and there's no way Anthony can get all mad at me because I won't be leaving the light although Katie will be running it again second half. Katie also told me that we're going to see Lindsey tomorrow after school, which makes me happy... it's bittersweet but I want to see her so badly I don't care how much it'll hurt.

I'm sure everyone who goes to the RHS knows what I'm talking about but for those of you who have no idea... Lindsey Mckensie graduated either last year or two years ago. Well she's been fighting brain cancer for a while now and she just had her last treatment of chemo and it didn't work so the doctors gave her one month. I haven't seen her since first quarter when she came into Wind Ensomble and listened to us for a little while. She misses the music so much... she played french horn and she was going to be a jazz singer. She's part of the 'most talented singers I can count on one hand' list. So far I have her, my sister-Sarah, and Rachel Grasser. She was always so funny and and and... *sigh*

I don't know how I'm going to be able to keep myself from crying because when I just think about her I can't stop it. Katie told me Nicole Musson went to see her and she's on a lot of pain medication and she's not completely coherant. I'm sure if she was in the least bit I'd probably do something really stupid to keep from crying... I'd probably break out in some stupid song and hope someone would laugh. Ok, this isn't good I'm shaking really badly now since I started crying. I'm just getting really upset and I just... there's nothing I can do to help. All I can do is sit around helpless like everyone else. Why can't I do something about it? Why can't someone just make it all better... I just want to make everything right again... Jameson, band, Kate and Jeff, so many things are going so wrong and there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm sure someone's going to read that last sentence and be mad about the Kate and Jeff comment... well the fact is that I just want her to get through everything she's dealing with right now. Today we gave Zach a ride home from school and Kate started crying in the truck and she said to Zach 'I had no idea you'd see me cry before Mike did'. Then when he got out I put my arms around Kate and she started bawling and then she pulled away and said she didn't deserve to be comforted because she was the one who did it all... that Jeff had no one to comfort him and how he never really fit in anywhere... he's all alone.

Then there's Zach, again. Right now he's really the only thing holding me together and I'm so grateful and appreciative he's in my life. It's only when I'm not with him when I let life break me down. It would be the perfect dream to always be able to crawl into his arms whenever I needed the reassurance but I guess not being able to makes me really appreciate what little time together that we do have. I really hope he knows how much I like him and how much he really does mean to me and if he doesn't I hope he realizes that a little more after he reads this, which will be sometime tomorrow since it's quarter past 1 am now... it looks like I'll be getting to sleep at around 3... down to 4 hours of sleep.

*sigh* I miss my baby so much and it's only been 8 hours since I last saw him. I was so happy after school today... he just put his arms around me and I could've cared less about any other life problems because he was there. Then I started joking around and Jasmine was trying to claim me and he just grabbed me to him. A few times he just tensed up and there was no way I could've walked away although I wouldn't have wanted to although I was joking about it and once he just picked me up and was carrying me around like it was nothing. I love it how Zach makes picking me up seem like merely lifting a piece of paper when I'm 110 lbs, only 40 lbs less than him. He was getting posessive but I didn't mind because it's nice to feel so wanted. Well I have to go now because I still have to take a shower and study.

Mandy ~ 12:37 AM

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Then Again

So today I found out... well really earlier tonight that Katie and I are doing all of the shows when I thought we were only doing one or two of them. Kayla completely dropped it on us and I've probably ran through the show once and I still don't know how I want to hold the damned thing. The best part *sarcasm* is that Sunday night it's all me. I can't even watch the fucking play once because I'll be too busy doing spots and you can't see anything from the back anyway. So I'm kind of pissed about that because there goes half of my weekend since the shows are from Thursday-Sunday. It's funny too because it was completely voluntary and I could drop it anytime (but I wouldn't do that to Katie) but if I'm late half hour like I was tonight, which didn't matter because Katie ran the first half then I get bitched at, and I have to bring in 2 dozen goodies for the cast when I'm only the spot, grrrr. They don't even need me the whole time and they only do my part when they run through the whole show so basically I waste half my time. I haven't even been getting my Sociology done for this... although I was invited to a party at Sam Pierre's house I most likely won't go because I wouldn't feel like I belonged there.

My night is just blah because I'm tired, cranky, and I didn't get to see Zach after school or really talk to him because he went home sick and then I was at school until 9:30. I can't even jump into a nice, hot shower because Kate's taking one and I couldn't talk to Zach on msn earlier because Kate was talking to Mike. They have the same band, lunch shift, and they see each other after school for half hour every day... Why does she get to see him so much and today I got to see Zach a couple of minutes before homeroom and then he walked me to my ceramics class and left. Then I called him when I got home because they informed me I didn't have to be there until 5, which I thought they said 5:30 (that's where the whole being half hour late thing came into play). So then I called Zach around quarter after 4 and we got to talk for an hour while I ate and got ready.

So mostly I'm pissed because I got stuck with this play thing and I didn't get to see Zach, grrrr. I just want to bite someone or beat something up. About the only thing I'm happy about is not having to go to school until 11:17 tomorrow because of Sophomore testing and the whole fact that I'm not one. Even that aggravates me because the first thought was I want to do something and that lead to... what can you really do from 7-11 am when the real plan is just sleeping and then... I want to do something with Zach but 'uh, he's a sophomore'. SO yea, that was my thought process. That and I think half days are retarded if you have only the second half of the day because everyone just wants to get it over with. So I think the school did that so no one can do anything social.

This blog is going to end up pretty long because I'm only waiting for two things, my nails to dry and to take a shower. Even though it takes forever for this polish to dry (and I already fucked up one nail) it looks like it'll be dry far long before I take my shower because Kate likes the hour-long showers. The one that she started about 10 minutes ago *rolls eyes* *sigh* I'm so unbelievably tired. Last night I even fell asleep with wet hair up in a towel and that dried pretty funny in the morning but I curled it because today Kate decided to wake me up at 6 am because she had DE class to go to.

For me there are certain kinds of tiredness. The one I have right now is where I can't really hear anything around me because I'm too tired to pay attention involuntary (which is pretty bad if you didn't realize that) and I feel so heavy and my head might as well roll off my shoulders and if I close my eyes I end up falling asleep in a millisecond. My body is telling me to stop moving because it's taking energy that doesn't exist. So I'm going to get going because all I'm doing is complaining. I miss my baby Zach.

Mandy ~ 11:15 PM

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

In the Spotlight

I just got home about 45 minutes ago from play practice. I guess since today I'm on tech working the spotlight, which is a lot of fun. I don't have a lot of time to write because my brother just got home and when he wants the pc he gets it.

So today I didn't see Zach immediately after 1st hour, which mad me kind of angry because we always walk down the hall hand in hand to homeroom and I enjoy every second too much to sacrifice any time. Then I saw him after homeroom and he told me he couldn't find me and I just felt so much better seeing him. He made a blogger and he wrote the sweetest things about me and right now on msn he's writing me more sweet things. Here, I'll copy some of our convo and then I have to go.

~Mandy~ Spotlight is Fun! says:
idk, i just gravitate to you, i don't even feel like i can get close enough to you
The Zach says:
o
The Zach says:
i never want to let go
~Mandy~ Spotlight is Fun! says:
hehe, me either and i can't really explain it any better than what i have
The Zach says:
its is unexplainable
~Mandy~ Spotlight is Fun! says:
it's like a challenge to me to explain it
~Mandy~ Spotlight is Fun! says:
and it isn't going to happen
The Zach says:
lol
~Mandy~ Spotlight is Fun! says:
but i want to explain the unexplainable
~Mandy~ Spotlight is Fun! says:
*pouts*
The Zach says:
lol
The Zach says:
u make me so happy
~Mandy~ Spotlight is Fun! says:
hehe
~Mandy~ Spotlight is Fun! says:
even when i'm sad?
The Zach says:
yeah

~Mandy~ Spotlight is Fun! says:
being able to comfort you would make me so unbelievably happy
The Zach says:
i love being able to make u smile
~Mandy~ Spotlight is Fun! says:
like if we were together and you were crying or sick or anything and i could just be there to hold you, be with you
~Mandy~ Spotlight is Fun! says:
:)
~Mandy~ Spotlight is Fun! says:
i don't even have to try to make you smile, you automatically do
The Zach says:
yeah
The Zach says:
thats true
~Mandy~ Spotlight is Fun! says:
*sigh*
The Zach says:
i really like when im just looking into your eyes and u are looking into mine
The Zach says:
i just gives me a great feeling
~Mandy~ Spotlight is Fun! says:
hehe

The Zach says:
i want to hold u right now
~Mandy~ Spotlight is Fun! says:
mmm, don't say that *whines* it makes me realize what i'm missing when i'm not with you
The Zach says:
yeah
~Mandy~ Spotlight is Fun! says:
*holds arms out* can't... reach
~Mandy~ Spotlight is Fun! says:
go... to... the... down... stairs... base... ment... door!
The Zach says:
u have already reached me u dont need your arms
The Zach says:
lol
The Zach says:
ha ha ha ha ha ha
~Mandy~ Spotlight is Fun! says:
no, i'm selfish
~Mandy~ Spotlight is Fun! says:
i want you now
The Zach says:
u have me
~Mandy~ Spotlight is Fun! says:
not physically *pouts*
~Mandy~ Spotlight is Fun! says:
i said i'm selfish
The Zach says:
lol

*sigh* He makes me so happy and right and I just gravitate toward him. That's all we can establish of this feeling. I always feel that I can't get close enough to him even when I'm hugging him and his hugs are the best I've ever gotten. They're so genuine...

The Mandy says:
i just wanted to tell you something, you give the BEST hugs
The Zach says:
were are pretty much the same except i dont make out in school every day
The Zach says:
yet
The Zach says:
really why do u say that
The Mandy says:
yea, hehe
The Mandy says:
you just do, you hug me and i just... ahhh, zach
The Mandy says:
hehe
The Zach says:
lol
The Mandy says:
i'm serious
The Zach says:
i dont want to let go
The Mandy says:
that must be why
The Mandy says:
we just attach and we're like 'separate people? huh?'
The Mandy says:
we're one person, what you talkin bout?
The Zach says:
lol
The Mandy says:
hehe

So that's all she wrote tonight...

Mandy ~ 11:03 PM

Monday, November 10, 2003

Cocaine in Cologne?

Well tonight I went to WalMart with my dad because he had to pick up some stuff for the rental house and I went through colognes and I found the one Zach uses... it's called Curve by Liz Claiborn and it smells so nummy, whenever he wears it I just want to bite him. So then I was like, I want to smell Zach for the rest of the night so I sprayed myself and then I bought this stuff called London Cool and it's definitely not cool... I thought maybe that because I loved the green stuff by Rimmel (Lola) that I'd naturally like the blue stuff too, but I was wrong. So I'm going to wear it tomorrow and see how many people hate it. I told Zach over the phone and he's like 'I don't understand' and I'm like 'It just doesn't smell like me' and he's like 'It doesn't smell feminine?' and I'm like 'No, it just doesn't smell like me' so I'm going to wear it tomorrow and he'll be like ewwy, it smells bad or something. Or maybe he'll be 'Yea, you're right it doesn't smell like you'. That would be so funny...

Mmmm, just thinking about Zach makes me all lovey, relaxed, and excited at the same time. I don't get it but I've never felt like this before, not even with Matt. With him it was just different... with Zach it's just so right. Everything just clicked and it's just... I can't describe it as anything besides being right like meant to be this way. I definitely don't see him as much as I want but I know somehow it'll be good. His hugs are the best. When I see him my arms automatically go out and I try to reach him before I get to him. I'm sure it looks quite funny but it's like an instant reaction. When I'm in his arms it's pure reassurance and just this overwhelming feeling that I love and I get the best tummy butterflies but I know it's right. I'm sure I've said right about 10 times in this past paragraph. Well I have to go now but I'm sure I'll write later.

Mandy ~ 7:14 PM

Sunday, November 09, 2003

Can it Get Better?

I'm hoping the answer is yes because I definitely don't want it to get worse. So last night we went to the movies as planned. We all went to the 7:30 show of the Matrix: Revolutions and my mom bought almost everyone's tickets and we had no idea she was going to do that. Katie, Tjon, Mike, Ben, Emily, Kate, Zach and me all went. It was really annoying though because Zach got off from work at 7 and his mom didn't pick him up until like 5 minutes before the movie started and I didn't know that until I called him from the pay phone because I lost the battle with Kt's cell phone.

So then my mom drove me over there and picked him up and we got there and my mom had previously bought his ticket so we just went in and then there was another delema... someone had taken Zach's seat so there was one seat left empty in the row and Zach sat down and for about 15 minutes I sat on his lap and finally Ben and Tjon finally saw I was very uncomfortable and put up the chair arms and squished down so I could actually sit. Even then I was pretty uncomfortable because I was in the middle of the chairs on the plastic snack holder.

So then I just wanted to get comfy in Zach's arms and even then there was a problem. Since the space was already constricted me trying to lay back put forth the problem that my legs were relatively long and about half the time I was changing positions because my knees were jammed into the back of the seat. So I sat there for another hour all twisted but I didn't really want to say anything because it would've been a couple of less mintutes I could lay back in Zach's arms if we got up to find two more seats. I was just annoyed that I went through all that effort, my mom bought everyone except Ben's ticket and they couldn't even save one more seat for me.

I fell asleep quite a few times and Zach told me after he realized that because I'd just stop moving for a few minutes. After everyone cleared out when the movie was done I stayed back in the movie theater with Zach and finally got comfortable and we were both thinking taking a nap would be a good thing. We thought it would've been pretty funny had we slept in the movie theater, or at least memorable. So about after 5 minutes or so we finally got up and walked out into the lobby and got comfy on the couch while everyone else was deciding what to do. We all wanted to do something after but we didn't know what and then there was the whole 'we're relatively young so we can't really do anything' thing. So then Rouman kicked us out and we were outside and it was really cold... probably around barely above zero, I know it was in the one digits and the wind didn't help. So we were out there about 10 minutes and we decided we were going to get in Ben's car so we walked all the way over to the side of the parking lot and my mom drives up. So then we walked to the car and I got in the back with Zach and just snuggled up in his arms and laid my head on his chest. Then my mom drove Zach home and I wouldn't let him get out so we sat in the back for about 10-15 minutes. My mom started doing the breaking and forward thing and then reverse and it was really funny because she was doing it to the funky radio music. So now I have to go because my mom's getting mad.

Mandy ~ 12:27 PM

Saturday, November 08, 2003

No Words

That is no words are able to really describe how I feel. I can do the best with what words are in the english language, that I'm aware of. My past week has been going so well, but i really don't want to jinx it. The new quarter started the 4th when we went back to school on Tuesday. The shortened school week was nice enough and then I dropped Alg 2b and my schedule became much less hectic because now I only have one acedemic class, Sociology and I'm definitely doing fine in there. Another added plus was that I'm taking ceramics and any art makes me happy. As I'm sure all of you know Zach Farris has been a big factor of happyness in my life as well for the past couple weeks and last night it got even better.

Last night I went bowling with Zach, Kate, and Mike. A lot more people were supposed to go but they didn't show up, but it was just fine. So all night it was Kate and Mike and Zach and me flirting. I was so happy I finally got to do something with Zach and I definitely didn't take one second for granted. I was really kicking butt the first game too. I got a 95 without bumpers but then I just got progressively more preoccupied throughout the night and my bowling got worse along with that. I'll just get to the good part...

So the whole night Kate was hinting for me to go off with Zach and I was completely oblivious to why. So at one point Mike and Zach walked off and Mike came back and I didn't see Zach right away but I guess these 2 girls asked for change or hit him up for money. So then I walked up to him and he put his arms around me and I did the same and we were just staring into each others eyes and making small talk and then I realized we weren't doing anything (as in bowling) and I said 'Why are we up here, is there a reason?' and he smiled and said 'Yes. Will you go out with me?' and I was like yay and I said 'yes' and then we hugged and I was so happy.

Then after that we all went into the pool room because Mike and Zach wanted to play pool and they played a game and then this guy bet them $4 or something that he could win and of course Zach didn't want to be a jerk so he agreed and the guy only won by two of their balls left, haha, that sounded funny. So then my mom came and gave both Zach and Mike rides home and I sat in the front on Zachs lap and sang a little Evanescence... or at least as much as I could with my throat being all stupid and still the aftereffect of being sick for two weeks.

Tonight we're planning on all getting together again to go to the movies to see the new Matrix movie. I really wanted to see Radio with Zach because he said it was really good and we don't know what we're doing, yet. All I know is a lot of people are going to go and if we go to the Matrix then I'm going to have to have my mom buy my ticket because it's R and I don't have identifaction, which is really gay but nothing I can do about it. So I'm going to go clean now.

Mandy ~ 1:50 PM

Friday, November 07, 2003

Another Day

Today was pretty much another day of getting used to the new quarter. I had another weird dream last night that was really long but I couldn't remember all of it after a few minutes of stumbling around getting ready. The only part I could remember was being in a classroom and only clarinets were in there playing everything perfectly and then I was out in the courtyard in the middle of the Band school and every window had a hologram over it and when the people inside played music the hologram flashed different people portraying emotions. In the courtyard I was watching all the bass drums and low brass playing this really cool music and the ground was reverberating so badly my knees were about ready to buckle underneathe me.

So... the day went normally after that. Aaron Dall joined Wind Ensomble and now I'm really distracted first hour because he's such a clown. The bad thing was second hour he was in my ceramics class too and I guess he can be loud and obnoxious in band but when it's art I'm focused and he kept complaining about how I wasn't talking and he was being really annoying and everyone at my table was about at their breaking limits. I'm hoping he sees that in art we don't like to talk a lot. Lately I've been a lot quieter and wanting to relax in solitude... even the impossible happened. Kayla Dotter annoyed me... she annoyed the living fuck out of me and I think she was seeing that, but I was trying to do a lot of homework before 4th hour, when it was due and I didn't have a lot of time and she just kept talking and about the stupidest things that didn't involve me. I feel so horrible for feeling like this but it's not her fault because it was just us in the practice room and I tried to talk to her but I can't even concentrate on homework in my bedroom, with complete quiet, alone.

So I'm planning on going bowling and I'm too preoccupied to think or write anymore so bye for now!

Mandy ~ 7:00 PM

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Meep

That's my supressed happy scream. I don't know why, well I do but I don't know why I'm happy right now. Seeing Zach earlier made me very happy and he gave me four different pictures of himself and I scanned them in already. Sometimes I just remember how happy I am and it's the best feeling to like Zach and to know he likes me back. This can't be too long because my dad told me to get off so he can check his e-mail and do other stuff. So I'm checking his mail just so I can write a little more in here. I was just writing this about 10 minutes ago and the pc shut down on me and deleted the two paragraphs I had so I'm just trying to remember what I wrote. About the dream in the previous blog... Kate was typing up Sarah's college report and reading it over for her and she told me that dancing in dreams is connected to sexual desire. So I'm glad I was doing the classical waltz and not like square dancing. I wonder if different dances represent different sexual desires or just more specifics on the whole topic.

So today was the second day of new quarter and first of all I'm happy I started the school week on a Tuesday. So all of a sudden I'm melencholy. Grrr, I really hate how my moods fluxuate. Zach went to see the third Matrix movie tonight and we talked for a couple of minutes online and then he just logged because he was tired. I wanted to talk to him so much and he even invited me to go with him but I can't do things on school nights. So I'm writing this later than the first part because I had to suddenly post it because my dad told me i had to get off. I was going to do all of my Sociology homework early but I guess that didn't happen and I have tomorrow's skinny study hall because I have Sociology 4th hour.

I didn't even tell Zach I dropped Alg 2b... one less time I get to see him for a few seconds to hold his hand and talk while he goes all the way down the hall just to walk me to my class. *sigh* I miss him already... we didn't really talk today and that's weird because we usually talk so much. I'm so upset with myself because I just gave up... I had a challenge and I gave up. What is that really going to do for me? If I always do that I'll never get anywhere in life.

Ok, I'm sure you're really confused right now... I dropped Alg 2b and I just decided that while I was sitting in class staring at the book and not understanding it and that since I got a D in the last half I wasn't going to do any better or even pass this half. So I told Obey and he let me leave, I went to guidance and at first the receptionist said I couldn't drop because I have to take Alg 2 for college and how does she even know I'm going to college? Grrr, I hate it when people assume things. So then I saw Mr. Heideman and we talked and Mr. Heeren came and talked to me in guidance and helped me... my adoptive daddy came to my rescue. So I took my Alg 2a final after school because I was sick the day of finals and instead of Alg 2b I'm taking ceramics, which is a nice, relaxing alternative to brain numbing Alg 2b. So I was just sorting through Word Documents of mine and I found this poem that I wrote a while back. If you look, there's a pattern with the single word lines, it's really easy to see...

Uncertainty

Sorry
Sorry wasn't the word
Apologizing
For the what ifs
Knowing
Nothing could've been done
Expecting
The normal but secretly
Wishing
There was an alternative
To?
A moment of pause, maybe to breathe
Uncertainty
In the people you always trusted
To?
To be able to count on
Wishing
That wishes would come true
Expecting
The worst but secretly
Knowing
This was the best
Apologizing
For not realizing everything
Sorry
And will be forever

This was after I found out the whole band had been lied to about Jameson. I felt so betrayed by Jameson and if it wasn't bad enough the administration told us a complete lie. AMANDA HINT: Never try to hide deceit in a blanket of lies it all equals out in the end... PROOF: LIES+LIES=2(LIES). Well I'm done since I'm getting pretty mad and I'm not about to start swearing in here because I don't know if I can get my account deleted for that...

Mandy ~ 7:42 PM

Monday, November 03, 2003

Dreaming in Frustration

Yes, that means I had a dream that frustrated me. Ok, not a lot to say but I'll say whatever I can and then post my dream and then I'm off to finish my Alg 2 homework because not doing it is bothering me really badly. Last night I talked to Zach on the phone until quarter to 11 because we were both really tired and we also wanted to plan something for today. To get together and do whatever. I'm still sick and Zach says he doesn't care if I am but that he just really wants to do something. I told him I wanted to go over to his house, curl up in his arms in his bed, and go to sleep and he said that sounded good. He also said his mom probably wouldn't care as long as we left the door open and not like anything would be happening besides sleeping. If only my parents would let me do that. Ok, so I'm going to post the weird dream I had last night. I also interpreted it with Susie and Emily but I'm not going to post that, at least at this moment in time...

I was at the Junior High School and there was a group of guys and a group of girls learning how to waltz. My partner was Zach and I wasn’t getting the turning so I asked the teacher but everyone was going too fast. I went to the bathroom and my face had broken out horribly and I noticed the jeans I put on were the ones I recently ripped. I put on my jacket and walked to the side door and a bunch of girls walked by and one of the girls was Jasmine and they were all comforting one girl. I think they were also all wearing football jerseys. Jasmine said “Hi hunny” and she looked at me like ‘this isn’t a good time’ so I didn’t bother her. I looked around frantically for a ride home and I saw Katie Nowak and Amanda Jennings (two friends from band) and they got into a van and I asked if maybe she could give me a ride because I lived really close but they laughed and drove off. So I started crying and that’s when I woke up.

So that was my dream and I've been up since 8 am and it's really annoying me that I'm not even sleeping in on my weekends. Oh and it snowed today *looks out the window* and it still is snowing. I count today as the first day of snow because the other day it happened the snow only lasted a couple an hour, if that. So I'm done here...

Mandy ~ 12:13 PM

Sunday, November 02, 2003

Bored With A Capital B

I haven't done anything this weekend because I'm sick and I'm really starting to go stir crazy. If I don't go anywhere tomorrow I'll be home for 4 days straight and then I really will go crazy. Friday night I was supposed to go trick-or-treating, Saturday I was going to see a movie with Zach and then go to Barbian's costume party, and then I was going to get my Alg 2 done and then maybe plan some more things. None of that happened and I'm hoping since tomorrow is my last day off maybe just maybe my parents will let me do something with Zach.

So this morning I woke up at 8 am and decided to play some piano and I was just playing around and I figured out a few measures of the shaker song Simple Gifts with the chords and yea. So then I was playing by ear and started playing some Disney songs, Pocahantas, Aladdin, and Beauty and the Beast. Whatever songs that came into my mind I was figuring on the piano. Then I woke Kate up and she started screaming and yelling profanity at me so I stopped playing. Then I did a bunch of Alg 2 notes and ditzed around, talked to Zach on the phone for an hour at 5:30 and then he had to go to DE. He's going to call me later tonight so I'll stay up a while but when I take my medicine I might fall asleep waiting because the pills and codine knock me out. So I don't have a whole lot to write about because I've been here, alone pretty much all weekend and Friday because I came home with pink eye and I was stupid enough not to bring my clarinet home. Sadly my baby wood clarinet is still in the shop, getting a piece sent in because mine cracked. Well I guess I'll write more when there's actually something to write.

Mandy ~ 8:08 PM

Saturday, November 01, 2003

Being Sick Sucks

There's a nice, informative title for you. I was so happy this weekend was coming and then I get sick and I can't do anything. This weekend I was supposed to get together with Vix and Susie, go trick-or-treating, to a costume party at Katie Barbian's house, and do something with Zach. Just because I'm so sick I can't do anything and Sarah informed me that I'm going to have go upstairs because she's having friends over. I'll just copy over the lovely conversation I had with Sarah from me telling Susie about it...

I'm Broken, Take Me Back says:
she's like 'i'm having friends over so i'm going to vacuum' and i'm like 'ok, so they'll be in your room right?' and she's like 'uhhh, no they'll be out here of course' and i was like 'so you don't mind that i'll be running back and forth puking then?'
I'm Broken, Take Me Back says:
and she's like 'well go away upstairs' and i'm like 'uhhh, no i have nothing to do upstairs' and she's like 'do your homework' and i'm like 'i don't have any and i want to talk to friends on msn and there isn't a computer over there'
I'm Broken, Take Me Back says:
and she's like 'well go upstairs and pretend to do homework' and i'm like 'you're so inconsiderate' and she's like 'no, i'm the only one who ever does any work around here' and i said 'you're the only one who gets to have any friends over' and she's like 'i'm the only one who has friends'
I'm Broken, Take Me Back says:
and i'm like 'well, if that's true then who are all of these people?' and i clicked open msn messenger that showed all of my contacts and then i said 'and i know each and every one of them' and she's like 'they're porn stars from around the world'
I'm Broken, Take Me Back says:
and i'm like 'so every single one of my contacts goes to the rhs and is a porn star from some other part of the world?' and she's like 'yes' and i'm like 'how do i know them?' and she's like 'because you're one too' and i'm like 'ok, wanna see the pictures?'
I'm Broken, Take Me Back says:
and she's like 'no, what you do in your own time is your thing'... let me say wow, i never thought a simple conversation that lasted about 1 minute could go from sarah having friends over to me being a porn star

So yea, that about covers it although I'm not really puking. I just said that to gross her out. So Jason's going to be over here in a few minutes. I'm going to go though because I guess I don't want to embarass myself in front of her friends by coughing and blowing my nose.

Mandy ~ 7:01 PM