~The Music of My Life~

Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Lazily Me

I'm thinking about calling some friends to see if they'll go to the Rouman Cinema New Years Eve party... it goes until 2:30, $15 and the movies are all free so 3 movies you'd save $6 because the movies are $7 each usually. I also believe they serve free pop corn and soda because that's what it was for the post prom party. So far it's just Mike, Kate, Tj, and me and I'm hoping a bunch of my other friends go too so I won't be alone. It'd be great if like Emily, Jasmine, Katie, Andy, Anthony, and Povish went. I wonder what movies are in... LOTR (saw it), Something's Gotta Give, Paycheck, Cheaper by the Dozen, and Peter Pan are all the ones I can see with friends. I'm thinking about pestering my mom to take me to the DMV or wherever that place is so I can register my temps so then I can get into R rated movies without the hassle... the only R rated movie in the theater is Cold Mountain and I believe it's based off a novel and Nicole Kidman, Renee Zellweger, and Jude Law are starring. So I'm actually looking into seeing those other movies because for once none of them are bad. I really wanted to see The Last Samarai with Tom Cruise but of course it's in the State Theater, evil people and Mona Lisa Smile with Julia Roberts, Kirsten Dunst, Julia Stiles, and Maggie Gyllanhaal.

So now I'm talking to Andy, Scott, and Adam on msn and just thinking about everything. Although I have no reason to be my tummy is all excited. I hope that when I go tonight no guy tries to kiss me but I guess there could be exceptions when the times comes... just right now I don't want any guy to kiss me, :p. I love that kid although Andy insists I can't call Adam a kid because he's turning 20... wow, that sounds so old and then I think about myself and I'm turning 18. Adam is such a sweetie and he just logged on for a few minutes to talk and then he had to go to bed at 10 and it's already 9:30 over there and he has yet to walk across camp. Tomorrow he has air for the convoy and he told me that's where he controls the machine gun on top of the humvee in case someone attacks them. So now I'm going to get going because I'm tired and don't want to write anymore.

Mandy ~ 11:53 AM

Monday, December 29, 2003

Crying as They Board

So today was the day Sarah and Ben left for England. I woke up at 11 to help out and there wasn't a whole lot to do and we ended up leaving around 1 for the airport. So we sat around at the airport joking around and being happy and it was really nice. At one point everyone choose a part of the strong bad techno and Ben started it out and then we all came in with our parts and it was really good and other people there were listening and watching us.

At another point Kate and I were sitting in waiting chairs and Ben got restless and decided to pretend to be a little boy and first he sat on Kate's lap, talked in a high voice and asked her for a girlfriend for Christmas. So Kate played along and tried to talk in a deep voice but you could tell she couldn't and she said Ben already had one and he's like but... uhh... and it was the funniest thing in his voice and doing the gestures and everything and then after he was too confuddled he got up and smacked Kate's legs and pretended to throw a hissy fit and he said 'I hate you Santa, you Suck! I hate you, I hate you!'

Then I was like 'Try me!' and Ben was like 'Oh, goody' so he came over and sat on my lap and I was like 'Omg, heavy' and so he shifted and it was better but the funny thing was that he's only like 140 lbs. So then I asked him what he wanted and he thought for a second and then he's like 'A puppy!' and I was like hmmm and his face lit up like it was the best idea and he said 'and I want some food with it so I don't have to take care of it and oh oh, it doesn't poop so I won't have to clean up after it' and I was thinking and Kate was like 'Oh and animatronic puppy!' and Ben flared his nostrils, jutted out his jaw, widened his eyes like he was mad, smacked his knees and said 'No Santa, don't listen to him, he's a fake, I want a real puppy! One that doesn't poop and I won't have to take care of him' and then he did his closed eyed, huge smile thing and I was like 'Awww, but I don't think I can do that' and he threw another tissy and smacked my legs and said 'I hate you too, Santa!' and then he mad this face like he was going to start crying and his lip quivered. It was one of the funniest things I'd ever seen.

So then after that we waited a while longer and it turned out the plane was late because they were deicing it and so the plane finally came at 5:30 and it was an hour late. Then Sarah and Ben got into line when their flight was called and I hugged them both. After that they got checked and then went through the metal detector and went into another room with a glass wall inbetween and Kate and I went to the end where'd they'd sit down and I started crying. So Sarah was first and Kate and me put one hand up and Sarah matching them with hers and I was just bawling and she was mouthing the words 'It's ok, don't cry hunny' and then Ben came through and we put our hands back up and he did the same and proceeded to do funny things to make me stop crying and start laughing and it worked somewhat. After they boarded we waited a while, probably about another 20 minutes to watch the plane take off and then we went to Culvers and got chicken and whatnot and came home and by that time it was 10 after 6.

So now here I sit extremely alone, Kate's upstairs talking to most likely her bf, Mike and Mom's watching tv. So now I'll go to talk to Andy Taylor because he's the only person talking to me on my msn and he's keeping me from being entirely lonely.

Mandy ~ 7:44 PM

Sunday, December 28, 2003

If You Don't Believe in Miracles... You Definitely Weren't Watching the Cardinal/Viking Game

Ok, so I'm so estatic right now. I lost my voice within a matter of 10 minutes from excessive screaming. The Vikings and Cardinals were playing on Fox and the Packers and Broncos were playing on CBS. The Packers have been dominating but the deal was if the Vikings won against the Cardinals there was no way we were going to the playoffs. So basically the Packers chances at the playoffs depended on the Cardinals.

So I'm flicking back and forth between the games and the Packers are 31-3 and I was satisfied nothing was going to be happening anytime soon so I was watching the Cardinal/Viking game. The score was 17-6 with the Vikings winning. The Cardinals get the score up to 12 with another touchdown. So there's 31 seconds left on the clock and it's 4th and 24, Cardinals have the ball. They basically throw a Hail Mary and one of their guys catches it right next to the out of bounds line and is forced out by two Vikings. They review the play and it's good so the Cardinals win 18-17. I run upstairs while screaming and my dad picks me up and swings me around and my mom hugs me while we all scream. I haven't been this happy in a long time. *sigh*

The great part about it besides the the fact that the Packers are now going to the playoffs is that when the Cardinal/Viking game score was at 17-6 Andy Taylor said the Cardinals better win because he said so. Then I definitely thought it wasn't going to happen because he jynxed it but he ended up calling the game!

Mandy ~ 6:26 PM

Friday, December 26, 2003

P.S. In the blog on the 24th I wrote 'The titles really mean nothing.' I'm going to be truthful here... every title I write I write for a reason and they all mean things.

Mandy ~ 8:58 PM

Damn Materialistic Society

So I'm going to start off with whats been on my mind for a couple of days. I feel as though this society is much too materialistic. Christmas, for example is a time for family and friends to get together and enjoy each others company, for me at least. For others it goes even deeper than that, it's about some miracle of a virgin giving birth to the savior and my knowledge isn't that great about Jesus and whatnot because I don't believe in it but I definitely won't critisize others for believing.

There's another topic I'm quite baffled on. How I'm agnostic and I'm not baised at all towards others who are religious but on the other hand religious people are biased against me. It's part of the reason I usually keep the knowledge of being agnostic to myself. Last year when I told a close friend about it she ripped me to shreds and then told me I was going to hell. After that her religious friends always looked down upon me and always said nasty things. I even tried to commit myself to god and everything and went to church with her to make her happy and I just felt horrible that I wasn't being true to what I truely believed and in the end I couldn't convert.

So now that I got that off my chest (it's been bothering me quite some time) I can continue upon my theory of how this society is materialistic and how that applies to Christmas. So to follow the religion of which most people belong to a tradition is giving and recieving presents. That's fine and dandy but within this tradition we've lost what Christmas should really mean and replaced it with a time to get gifts. So this Christmas for whichever reason no one recieved a single present and the funny thing was I realized how unnecessary they are. I've never really thought they were necessary but Christmas without presents would be different and it was but not in a bad way.

Of course I'm jealous of all the cool things my friends recieved but also I'm glad I didn't need presents to appreciate something... having my whole family together if only for a few hours. Then the rest of the day and night I was alone again and enjoyed the earlier moments I shared with my family. It's really going to be different when my siblings go on their separate ways and then I'll really be alone. So right now what I've been trying to say these post paragraphs is that I'm trying to enjoy my family and being together with them without any added obstacles or distractions for what time we have left together. I'm just glad I've realized it before we split up.

Mandy ~ 8:30 PM

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

A Twisted Contortion and Dying Slowly

The titles really mean nothing. I just write one right off the top of my head at the beginning of every blogger. So I've gone and done it again. Last night while I was talking to Chris he asked my opinion on the 'new' him. I told him that he was much more social and I'm sure people found that refreshing as compared to the jealous, refuses to talk Chris. I also told him he seemed more forceful but nothing major and he asked me what he could do to change. So I told him to be himself and not let anyone change who he is because if he always aims to please everybody else well for one it's impossible and will led him to change many times and for two it's just wrong. This is what he wrote in his blogger last night...

amanda is right, i am changing myself to please others, although in pleasing other i please myself...maybe i was just born to be a unsocial, lonely person...and maybe i'll die that way too ¶

So now I have no idea what to tell him because I feel bad for voicing my opinion even though he asked for it.

Today around 5 (2 hours) my grandparents, Aunt Karen, Uncle Jim, and cousins Ruth and Paul are coming over for dinner. *sigh* It's going to be a long night but at least I won't be alone again like last night.

Mandy ~ 3:12 PM

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Pushing My Envelope

That was a funny little title that popped into my head so of course I had to use it. Lets see... last night I stayed up until quarter past three and then I woke up at quarter past 11 with all intent on taking an early shower. Well Sarah, Ben, and mom were all awake and Ben was in the shower and then Sarah was going to take a shower. So as all goes I just got out of the shower around 9. So if anyone considers 9 pm early, and not in the out on the town/night early then I definitely succeeded, hehe.

Does anyone know why people laugh when they aren't even happy or mildly amused? Like for instance, me right now. There's no reason for me to laugh. I'm alone emotionally and physically and when I am I have way too much time to think about so many different things. Lifes a bitch and trying to complicate it by figuring it out makes it that much better... well in the way that know matter how you try in the end it won't even matter.

So now I'm not completely alone. I'm talking to Jasmine and somewhat to TJ. Then again TJ never really talks a whole lot. Don't get me wrong, he has a lot to say and some I don't even want to hear/read but whenever he's on msn he's very... preoccupied. It's probably because he's talking to a lot of other people. Either that or I don't intellectually stimulate him. Oh well, like it matters that one less person talks to me.

Mandy ~ 9:44 PM

Saturday, December 20, 2003

Home

So I just got back from Jasmine's house and I just have to say although we didn't do really anything I enjoyed myself. I was there with Jasmine (of course), Kate, Nicole, Heather, and Brenda. All we did was talk and eat and then talk and eat some more, hehe. I was so relaxed there with all the girls whom I hardly know. It was weird because I was expecting to be somewhat shunned or something because I'm really only friends with Jasmine. I really only know her but it was as though that group of girls had been friends for a while and it was just a typical hang out.

Last night was the girls basketball game so I had pep band. *sigh* Pep band has even changed. I miss the old band with Jameson because we always had the most fun but now all of our songs are way overplayed because we practice them. For me pep band was always a bunch of bandies getting together and being relaxed and having fun with the music and improving and just really being peppy. Now it's typical band and Mr. Zunker thinks we're having fun but we really aren't. Well at least not me.

I can't say I didn't have any fun that night though because I had fun hanging out with Chris, Will, Kate, Katie, and just my other bandies. The funky hat thing was fun. I kept getting this weird feeling someone was looking at me and once I looked across to the other side and I saw Zach Baron's mom looking at me. Both of his parents were there and later Zack came and Ang was there from her previous game. So hmm, I don't have much else to write except the info that Jeff is going to be here in less than an hour and I hope the best for Kate. I'm not going to lie, this is going to be awkward. Right now I'm waiting to take a shower because Sarah's in there and then Kate still has to take a shower.

Mandy ~ 3:51 PM

Thursday, December 18, 2003

Revenge :D

So I just got done talking to Zach because he blocked me. I guess he couldn't take my nasty words, hehe.

~Mandy~ says:
like changing names a lot?
~Mandy~ says:
i'll take that as a yes
~Mandy~ says:
so this is the game we'll play
~Mandy~ says:
because you like to play games
~Mandy~ says:
obviously
~Mandy~ says:
i'll continue talking
~Mandy~ says:
and whenever you feel i've said something anywhere near worth answering to you say yea, yuppers, nice, or lol
~Mandy~ says:
instead of anything intellectually stimulating
~Mandy~ says:
because having a conversation with you is like trying to talk to a wall, although i'm sure a wall would be much more responsive
~Mandy~ says:
so basically if you were the only one i was talking to all i'd be doing was wasting my time... ok, so we've established one thing, next
~Mandy~ says:
would you like to interject any thoughts whatsoever wall?
~Mandy~ says:
didn't think so
~Mandy~ says:
wow, this is fun, i can say whatever i want and it's as if i'm talking to nothing
~Mandy~ says:
i bet you're not even reading this
~Mandy~ says:
but that's ok because it doesn't mean anything anyway
~Mandy~ says:
so i was talking to mike earlier
~Mandy~ says:
and he told me that i'm subconsciously going after guys like matt but if i was i definitely wouldn't have gone out with you
~Mandy~ says:
maybe i thought you were like matt but matt was nice, caring, talkative, and you're well... matt definitely wasn't anything like a wall
Its christmas eve and ive only wrapped 2 fuckin presents says:
your are talking about something that has no value whatsoever so me so just stop
~Mandy~ says:
but it's fun
~Mandy~ says:
you should try it sometime
Its christmas eve and ive only wrapped 2 fuckin presents says:
no im sry i dont try to bother the fuck outta ppl
~Mandy~ says:
*sigh* the point was... well i won't bother explaining because you wouldn't understand anyway

That was our lovely little convo, well at least part of it. Mostly me talking to myself because I'm sure he had nothing to say to defend himself. I feel like I'm getting revenge for him ignoring me at the end. That and the night after my concert...
I never went into detail about Adam coming over after the concert. Well we actually came downstairs to say hi to Sarah and ended up in her bed. First we were just laying there all snuggly and then we started pillow fighting and then he was on top of me and Sarah left and he just laid down. At the time I felt guilty for the whole Zach thing but it was his choice to ignore me and not talk to me about his issues with me like a real boyfriend would've. Then I talked with Adam for about half hour or so on topics Zach and I never really covered because I guess he didn't want to or something. Then I told him I was tired and I snuggled up to him and he rubbed my back. Before he went home we kissed me on the cheek and that was all but by then I'd broken up with Zach so I never technically cheated. Adam was such a comfort to me because Zach treated me like crap and I have this thing where a guy treats me like crap and then I think that's really what I deserved so Adam was there to be a nice guy and comfort me. Well I'm going to go now because Ben wants the pc.

Mandy ~ 11:11 PM

Tired

I'm feeling... well not exactly explainable. It was school and I was just going through the day. I love my fourth hour class, it goes so fast. Today in Sociology we circled our desks and I sat between Trish and Greer and I talked with Greer the whole class hour. We were writing a compliment to everyone in the class and Greer and I were kicking back and laughing our asses off, making comments and such and for Josh Bies I wrote he was outspoken and Greer wrote that we like his ass and we even signed it. We were just laughing and everything and when I read my compliments I was so happy.

There were a lot of comments on my nice body shape like... great curves, beautiful, gorgeous, pretty, and the other half were about me being nice, friendly, and outgoing. There were a lot of comments that surely would've been taken as flirting had they been said to my face. I just have to say I'm happy to be single. This may sound extremely selfish but to be able to be more attentive to myself instead of trying to please a boyfriend. It's also nice to be able to look at any guys and flirt with whomever I want.

I also feel bad though because of what Heather wrote in her blogger...

You know when people make you feel bad without realizing it? Its not their fault, but you still feel awful.
and like i look at Amanda and her story about how Josh Beis likes her 'perfect' ass and stuff.. and I just feel so awful about myself. So fat and ugly and the worst body shape.
Also, all the boys love Amanda.

*sigh* I was just happy someone complimented me because it seems that I'm the only single one of all my friends and it's nice to be reminded I'm somewhat attractive. I feel bad that she has that self image of herself because even though I always say I look so blah I try to think I'm somewhat attractive.

So enough about depressing stuff... I'm happy and single because now I can devote my life to family, friends, school, and myself. Tomorrow I'm going to pep band and then to Jasmine's sleep over.

Mandy ~ 7:18 PM

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Yay, Keyboard

I'm so happy right now because Anthony came over and dropped off my keyboard that I ruined. I accidentally spilled fruit juice on it and he fixed it. YAY. I don't think anyone truely appreciates something until they've lost it even if only for a little while. Thanks again Anthony.

Mandy ~ 5:50 PM

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Mmmm...

For lack thereof a title... So today I woke up around 11:30 and then I went to school for fourth hour after I started feeling stable. Fourth hour I have Sociology and today we had a discussion where the class was split in half, guys on one side, girls on the other. Then we asked questions that we wrote down as the assignment that we've always wanted to know about the opposite sex. We covered thongs, breasts, dicks, shopping, shoes, just about everything. We even covered if guys like it when girls groan during sex and the answer was yes because it's like a sign they know they're doing a good job. There was much laughter and red faces.

Actually that was the question that diverted the attention away from me. The question that got all the attention turned on me was asked by Sandi Marvin 'What kind of butts do guys prefer, big, small...?' Josh Bees raised his hand and said 'Ever since I've moved here... well could Amanda Marquardt please stand up and demonstrate the perfect ass?' I just turned my head to Elyse to hide my blushing and shock and started talking to her and all the guys got these smug smiles and all the girls were sympathizing with me and then to divert the attention from me Jenna Raths asked that question about making noises during sex.

Now I have to go because Sarah's home.

Mandy ~ 4:32 PM

Monday, December 15, 2003

White Space Made My Own

Staring ahead
At the white
Thinking of...
Which words to write
Many thoughts
Inside my head
Fewer words
To be said
Secretly
Protecting
Magically
Deflecting
Tragedies waiting
Ready to fight
In the end
We'll reunite
One last moment
To remember the past
All of the memories
Vast visions now cast

This is a poem that I just wrote about five minutes ago after reading my sister's blogger. I'll copy what she mentioned about me...

amanda is talking to me and im ignoring her. im a great sister arent i?
Amanda, what else could i say to you Nanners? u are sleeping right now and look so peaceful. i will always watch over u no matter what. even if im younger hehe. yay to our magickal powers and name that sound like food. tiptoeing through woods and collecting acorns or picking dandelions and dancing in our field were always my favorite. as i hope they were yours.
sorry i ran out of time lol, but those who i love will know it. im in a weird sleepy mood right now. no people i am not suicidal lol. but i just wanted everybody to know because u never know when things are taken away from ya. and i wanted everybody to know i appreciate u dearly and am very fond even if i dotn always show it. now i better hightail it up stairs so i can hit the hay. and wake my dearie up. she fell asleep in sarahs bed. i love u very much amanda. more than i could ever love a boy. we just get preoccupied, right? yeah. but if i think too much now im going to get even more emotional (if its possible :) i really dont want to wake her up.... well better now than when sarah comes home.

I was so touched by those words and I thought it was a great idea to acknowledge everyone she loves like that to let them know. Seriously for the longest time lately I thought she was mad at me because she's been ignoring me.

So yesterday I went shopping for my secret santa for treble choir and for Jenn because she got me a present. I truely hope Heather isn't mad because her and her sister don't get along as well as say Kate and me do. I also think Heather might be a little jealous if I start being friends with her sister. I was a little jealous when Kate started being friends with my friends but then I got over it because I love her ;) So today I'm going to the doctors at quarter to 2 because I'm sick. My chest hurts, I have a runny/stuffy nose, phleme, and just all around cold sickness. My mom thinks I might have pneumonia because of my chest.

Ok so back to the acknowledging people...

Tatters, I love you very much and I will always remember everything we did since the time we frolicked in the meadow picking dandelions to running through the forest picking up acorns up until now. I will always think (and know) we have something special that no one else can have and everyone is jealous of us for it. ;) The relationship I have of you is one of the very few things I'm truely proud of and cherish. No matter how much you may ignore me or at times be frustrated with me I know we can always count on each other.

Vixy, I love you and even though we've only been really good friends for a short time it's definitely time I will always remember. I hope we'll continue to be friends and that you know no matter how our friendship may turn I will always love you even if I pretend to be mad at you sometimes ;)

Susie, I love you as well and you're one of the most amazing people. No matter how many obstacles life throws at you you almost always remain positive and use them as well as you can to your benefit. Your capacity for love astonishes me and I don't think I'll ever meet another person who cherishes life and the people in it as much as you do. If I believed in god I'd definitely have to say you'd be his daughter :P

Emily, No matter how much you say you're a bitch I can remember many more times when I've been in a horrible mood and who was there at least trying to cheer me up? In all the time I've known you I've never once thought you were anything besides a loving friend. Even if you convert to German and never talk another word of English as long as you live you will know I still love you although I highly discourage that idea.

Chris, You are amazing. No matter what you always somehow manage to make me laugh. I really miss seeing you in math and band. No matter how much you may ignore me and the world at times I know you only mean good. You're one of the best clarinet players and I can't wait until the day when we will get to play together in the same band again.

Katie, first of all we really have to start that rock band with Kaitlin, Jasmine, and Mike. You're one of the funniest people I know. I also know no matter what we'll always have each others backs even if either of us screw each others bfs, hehe. You have the best fashion sense of anyone I know and I hope we can always be there for each other.

Jasmine, I don't think anyone will truely know how good of friends we are. No, I'm not talking about the lesbian thing because we seriously aren't lesbians and I highly doubt we'll ever be. You are so gorgeous and you sympathize the best of anyone I know. I hope your surgery goes very well on Jan 8th and they fix you up perfect because you really deserve the best.

Jason, you're one of the smartest, nicest, and cutest people I know. Even though I met you through Sarah I feel as though we've become pretty good friends. Whenever I've needed to talk you always wanted to listen and I hope I've been there for you as much as you have for me. You feel like a second brother to me and treat me better than my real brother. You treat me as an equal even though you're six years older than me. How you can put up with Sarah and Ben will always be a mystery to me. I love you.

Mike, I don't know how you manage to deal. I'm jealous of you more than you know or might ever know. I think the curse has destined us to be friends. I love your poems and they'll always make me think. You'd better become a famous musician so I can tell everyone that we were once friends, jk! You'd better become a musician because it's what you love to do and somehow I know my future won't involve the music I love so much and work so hard at this moment. You have overcome so many things this far and don't let anything stop you in the future because you know you can beat it.

Matt, I know you don't read this and you probably never will but I feel as though there's something that needs to be written because it'll be the day when I can actually say this to your face. Over 15 months ago I fell in love with you and you were my first love. Since then I have never liked a guy anywhere near as much as you and I don't know if I ever will. I know for sure I will never love a guy the way I loved you and it is hard to let go. For some reason I was hoping somehow I wouldn't have to let you go...

Anthony, you're such a nice and funny friend. Any girl you may go out with better deserve you because I know you'll deserve them. I know we haven't been the best of friends and maybe that may be because you date my friends and not me :P jk. It seems as though we've been becoming better friends as time continues and I hope this is true.

I'm sorry if I forgot anyone but I must go now to get ready for my doctors appointment.

Mandy ~ 11:05 AM

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Broken to Feel Something

I'm really depressed right now and I'm wanting to just do nothing and at the same time I'm wanting to do something to keep my mind off from it. This weekend I'm supposed to go up to Powder Horn with Adam, Ben, Jason, and Barbian to go snowboarding. I kind of want to do nothing and loaf around but at the same time I'd like to take the oppurtunity because Adam wants to teach me how to snowboard. When I do that I can go all out, do something stupid and break something so I can feel something. I want to do something with Adam because he's only here two weeks and now it's only 10 days because I feel bad and yet I want him to do something with his friends because they should matter more.

When I think about it... Treder, Jake, Scott, Mike, Zack, Zach, and any other guy I've liked since... well since Matt, I haven't truely liked them. My mind has always drifted back to Matt and I hate it. I just want to never think about him again because we're completely different people, we will never go back out again and if we did he'd break up with me just to mess with my head. He'd probably be malicious and screw me over as much as he could for the pain I caused him and little would he know how much it hurt me. Knowing everything I'd probably still go out with him given the chance because maybe somehow it would go back to the way it was before and this time I wouldn't let anything affect it and maybe... but maybes are unaccountable. I know all of everything and every detail there is to know because there hasn't been a day that's passed when I haven't thought about a 'what if' concerning Matt. Since then it's been 15 months and that's quite a long time to still be hooked on someone especially when it was for such a short time (2 months), but I think about it and it isn't how long you went out but the time spent together. So now I'm off because writing about this puts more fantastical dreaming thoughts into my head.

Mandy ~ 9:14 PM

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Bad Time to be Me

A lot has happened in three days. Yesterday I broke up with Zach because I knew he was going to break up with me so I guess I just wanted to get it over with because I still liked him. No, I'm not one of those people who has to be the one to dump the other person. I really liked Zach until he started getting all quiet and well with the whole ignoring me thing instead of telling me. Oh well, things happen for reasons. So last night was my Christmas concert and the same day Adam (the army guy who was shipped out to Iraq who I used to like) came home. He called me earlier and I told him about the concert and he went and then we hung out at my house afterwards. I don't like to say it like this but when I'm around him I just want to be a bitch and I was... to Zach.

I feel so bad even after apologizing just a few minutes ago. I was dragging it out and hoping Zach was going to explain why he wanted to dump me and everything I said and did was wrong and I know that now and I knew it then. In my mind I kept going over the fact that he was ignoring me and not telling me why and making him into some horrible person when we both contributed to it. I became too clingy because well in all honesty I saw Kate and Mike being all clingy and I just... I'm jealous of Kate and Mike and the deep conversations they always have and I've never had one with Zach and that's all I really wanted because everything else was there. So in my derranged mind somehow I thought two completely different couples would have the same outcome if one mimiced another instead of being themselves. I don't know about Zach but I wasn't myself. It's just my fate to make stupid decisions and somehow I'm searching for some reason to make this right when I know there isn't one.

So Adam called me after school and wanted to do something and I told him I couldn't because of school and how strict my parents are. My mom mentioned to me after he left last night that I wouldn't be doing anything during the school week because rules are rules. I understand that and I'm actually happy because I'm afraid of Adam and whereas I used to like him... well lets say I'm just trying to get over Zach at the moment and then I'm going to be single for a long time so I can't get screwed over or screw myself over with another relationship. I just have the worst feeling right now like I did something wrong and idealistically Zach would've talked to me about me being too clingy and I would've admitted to not being myself and it would've worked out but idealistically never happens in my life.

So I'm going to go because this is beginning to sound depressing and like a ploy for pity. There's another thing... when I told people I was no longer with Zach so they were informed the first thing they did was apologize and give me this horribly sad face. Sorry, everyone I know your secret because I do the same thing. You don't really care. Everyone cares about themselves and that's just the way it is. Have a nice night.

Mandy ~ 5:18 PM

Saturday, December 06, 2003

Been a While

Just as the title says and I haven't written in a week (6 days to be precise). I'll try to catch you up. School has been school, I'm getting an A- in Ceramics and maybe a B in Sociology because I didn't hand in one assignment that was worth 20 points. Then of course I'm getting A's in Treble and Band. So if I keep this up I'll definitely make honor roll this quarter. I'm so mad at myself though because origionally I got a B+ on the Sociology test and I missed one question that I knew that would've given me 10 more pts which would've pushed me to a medium high A. I got 145 pts and the top score was a 160 (graded on a curve) and if I would've gotten the question I would've gotten a 155. I blank on tests no matter how much I study and think I know the material. So the first thing I did was go to the back and write down all of the lists because Kitze has this thing for lists. So I had this list of five things; conflict, cooperation, social change, conformity, and coercion and the question came up that those were the answer to and I forgot what they were and that I'd written them on the back and when I got back the test I looked at the lists and counted them and I realized there was one list on the back of my test that I didn't use and I got one list wrong. Well that was it, I'd written the correct answer (which was worth 10 pts) on the back and forgot to copy it into the blank. So I argued with Kitze that I should get some points and I showed him and he gave me one point to push my grade to an A- which made me feel a little better.

Later...
So I can't remember if I wrote about my discontinued perfume by rimmel or not but I remember doing so. Then I remembered someone telling me to go on ebay. I think it was Andy Taylor because he thinks of everything. I went on ebay earlier and I found one thing of the discontinued perfume and I freaked out because it started at $2 and then I was like damn, it still has 5 days and 5 hours left on it and then I looked down and it said Buy it Now $10. The rest of the rimmel line is like $13 for one ounce so I was like yay, I'll get it for practically the same price depending on how much the shipping and handling is. Then I was like, damn Sarah wouldn't let me use her ebay to buy myself something and I couldn't ask because she was at Lindsey's funeral with mom, and Ben. So then they came home and I asked my mom and she was more than happy to know that I could still get the perfume somehow. Then I came downstairs and Sarah helped me to buy it right then and now I'm waiting for the e-mail the seller will send Sarah with the bill for how much it costs. So I'm happy that I got a hold of my perfume that was discontinued although I'm sad it'll only last a little while.

So, I'm happy about getting my discontinued perfume and lonely that Sarah and Ben are just in the other room watching an anime having fun with four of their friends and Mike just got here to spend three hours with Kate. So I'm thinking about Zach and how much I miss him and how I just want to spend some time with him, talk to him, just something. More than anything I'd just love to lay with him in my bed again. I had a dream and I can't remember which night it was but Zach and I were alone at my house and all we did was go into my room and we were both tired. I laid down and then he laid his head on my chest and fell asleep on me with his arms around my waist and I stayed awake for a while just to know that I had him in my arms. I could almost feel his weight on me and his warmth... it was so comforting and as soon as I fell asleep in my dream I woke up in real life. I think it was the first dream I woke up from that didn't leave me hanging. It would've been nice to see what happened when we woke up in the dream but I just don't know, it had a finality to it like we died or something but I don't think we did.

I don't have much else to write but I really have nothing to do. I would like to play my clarinet or just go upstairs and draw but I can't do either. If I would try to play my clarinet I'd have no place to go where people wouldn't hear me and if I wanted to draw I'd only go upstairs into my bedroom because that's where I draw and I can't go up there because most likely Kate and Mike are making out up there. So I'm talking to Andy about everything and anything and I'm going to go because I just feel like... I just don't want to write anymore.

Mandy ~ 7:26 PM