~The Music of My Life~

Sunday, February 29, 2004

10 Ways to Tell if You're a Band Geek

Ok so to make a long story short I cleaned my room and then my dad ripped apart my closet floor so he could put in a shoe shelf he made and I found a notebook that had a list of ways to tell if you're a band geek in it. I recall making the list my freshman year with Erin Mars who has since moved to Louisianna. I'm going to post it quick since I don't have a whole lot else to say.

10. You walk in step especially when you aren't marching.

9. You tap your pen and/or pencil to the beat of a pep band song during class.

8. You only date within the band and you're making your second way around.

7. You tell horrible sex jokes only other band members would understand.

6. When someone outside of band tells a joke you don't understand it.

5. When someone asks you what your occupation is your answer is 'band'.

4. Your idea of child abuse is being hit in the head with a batan which also explains that weird mark in your forhead.

3. When people outside of band ask you about hierarchy you tell them what band you're in and what chair you are in your section.

2. Your idea of entertainment is being stuck on a bus for 36 hours with the dance team, all of their competition tapes, and a bunch of horny guys.

1. You've started considering objects you find laying around as possible instruments such as a hammer and a screwdriver (all I'm saying is spoons/tamberines work better *shakes head while rubbing bashed thigh*)

If this made you laugh in any way my job is done for today. Hehe, I rhymed.

Mandy ~ 1:40 PM

Saturday, February 28, 2004

An Afterthought...

I forgot to copy this down from the conversation I had mere minutes ago with Emily but it was something I wanted to copy down because I've thought it many times and wanted to share it with my fellow bloggies (those who write in blogs, if it wasn't clear).

Emily says:
so I was reading old blog entries of mine....like my first blog entries...
Emily says:
wow
I Always Feel Like Something I May Do or Say Will Drive Him Away says:
yea, i know, it's a trip and a half
I Always Feel Like Something I May Do or Say Will Drive Him Away says:
it's crazy and i love being able to pick a time and just go back, sometimes it hurts but it's so nice to have that option, it's almost like i can travel back in time without having to actually relive the memories and have to relive, in some cases, the pain
Emily says:
yea, no lie.....my first entries were like...I don't know.....I talked about will a lot,e very other word, that was before he had the adress to it, and so many othe rpeople, so everything was like unedited, and yea, brought back lots of crazy memories though
I Always Feel Like Something I May Do or Say Will Drive Him Away says:
i know, it's like when it's just a diary it's just you
I Always Feel Like Something I May Do or Say Will Drive Him Away says:
and then the more you give it to the more your true feelings get 'edited'
Emily says:
yea I know
Emily says:
it's horrible.....

I really wished I could post every thought I truely had but some would offend readers of this blog and others would be a little explicit for any other readers and I'm not saying sexually explicit but thought provoking. I find myself watching a lot of what I type in here but I guess it's the price you pay when having a public blogger. Either edit how you truely feel or feel the wrath of those offended by your true thoughts and feelings.
ex. The time I wrote about going to church, result- Dan Povish wanted to rip me apart for mocking his religion although it was just my thoughts upon how I felt. Or when I write about Job others get annoyed because I'm obsessive or whatever.
In it's entirety it's pretty much a lose-lose situation. Kind of annoying but aren't a lot of realistic life obstacles and happenings. I know I worded it wrong and weird but for those who know me at least will know what I mean.

Mandy ~ 8:28 PM

S and E

For those who haven't been reading my blog or who aren't bandies or chorus members my title stands for the musical event I attended today: Solo and Ensemble. It kicked ass. I had so much fun and I got to hang out with a bunch of different people. At first I was really nervous and then my duet with Kayla rolled around and it all melted away. I introduced our piece with charisma and even made the audience laugh. I said 'Hi, my name is Amanda Marquardt and this is Kayla Dotter. We're from Rhinelander Highschool and our accompianist is Mrs. Peterson. We're singing Autumn song by F. Mendlesshon, Felix, and an interesting aspect of our piece is how we harmonize until the end of the phrase where we gracefully come into unison.' I said the words so cutesy and really played them up and the whole room of people laughed. Then Kayla and myself sang the song and I can't remember if we even made a single mistake unless there was one wrong note, maybe. We interacted with the whole room and with each other and we really played up the music. After our judge almost went crazy by complimenting our interpratations alone.

After that I walked around and attended many other events in as little time possible and in between there I lost Job for a while but then we found each other and all was good, :p. I was disappointed with clarinet choir and we got a 1st so that was good enough. I got starred firsts on my duet and trio and I'm not sure about woodwind ensemble because the results weren't posted before we left. I got a 1st on my solo which was the best score I could get because it was only a B class. It was really funny when people remarked 'you only got a 1st?' and then I had to tell them it wasn't an A class piece. I was so calm and it was pretty unexplainable. I've never been that calm while attending S and E. I watched Job's events or at least the ones I could get to in between my five events. So the scores of mine were- solo-1st, duet-1*, trio- 1*, clarinet choir- 1st, and woodwind- unknown.

I think woodwind made it to state though because the judge only mentioned one thing and it was the dynamic marking for the first few measures. I had to laugh though because we played it pianissamo until Zunker told us we had to play out and then we did and Zunker said it was perfect so we played it that way and the judge told us to bring it down. So Zunker basically messed it up by telling us to play it wrong. He also messed up brass choir which pissed me off. I heard him apologize during the piece too and then the judge marked them down for Zunker's mistake! None of my family came to watch my events and that's ok I guess because Sarah, and mom are coming to state although they won't get to hear my solo which kind of sucks because I thought I did ok. Job insists I did great but I don't know. I just don't want to get my hopes up.

*takes a breath* Whew. I've been running since 5 am and on only a few hours of sleep so don't even ask how I'm doing it. I just want to get everything done and written out so I don't forget anything. I'm kind of peeved at Zunker for not caring as much as he should've about S and E. Jameson was much better about it than he was. Jameson always made sure we were more than ready because I knew he didn't want us going to embarass ourselves. I'm also peeved that I missed Emily's solo but it's going to state so I have to see it there. I got back to the site before her scheduled time but since someone before her cancelled she went early so both Kate and I missed it.

Ok, I have to say this. Job was so cute all day like he always is. He was so affectionate and playful with me. When I started getting nervous he kept reassuring me and I think that's why I was so calm when I did sing because I could hear him in my head telling me I was good and I would do good. He just reassures me so much... especially when we're cuddling. I've never felt safer in my life than when I'm in his arms. Then there are the people who say 'well what about Matt?' and when I think about it Matt was always a loose cannon and completely unpredictable and Job isn't quite predictable in that sense but he's not going to hurt me. It's almost like I don't like feeling so vounerable because him knowing how I feel gives him the advantage to crush me whenever he wants. Yet, I know because I can feel it that the last thing he wants to do is hurt me. He's always taking the extra precaution to make sure I'm comfortable with what we're doing even when it comes to just cuddling.

Haha, that brings me to the next topic... I saw Job's parents many times at S and E but I was afraid to talk to them without him around like I have no right to. I felt so embarassed feeling like that because more than anything I just want to get to know his whole family because they are a major part of his life and even though it's only been a short amount of time in which we've been going out I just want to be apart of that. I just felt like I was going to bother them because they looked so content just sitting together and 'oh, here comes Job's obnoxious slutty girlfriend'. I'm sure his mom doesn't want me to take him from her and I don't blame her because he's such a sweetie. I guess I just don't want to interfere. *sigh* Maybe later I can make a better impression upon his family or maybe they'll just reject me. *shrugs* Whatever happens happens. Well I'm off to talk online to Job or maybe play some games or maybe both.

Mandy ~ 8:18 PM

Thursday, February 26, 2004

*Peers Through Her Hair at the Blank Screen*

Solo and Ensemble is in two days and I don't feel ready. I'm doing two introductions, one for my solo and the other for Kayla's and my duet. I have no idea what I'm saying for interesting aspects but I have everything else down. I've gone through all of my singing things at least a couple of times without music. Kayla and I have done our duet numbers of times for our treble choir and today Kate, Kayla, and me did our trio for the concert chorus which is around 50 people, at least. We did rather well with the exception of a few things like Kate was a little hesitant on our tempo change and I breathed in the wrong place, same with Kayla.

Today we had an assembly part of 1st and 2nd hour for acedemics and I was bored out of my mind as usual. Grades and me, me and grades. We (like I'm referring to grades as something tangible, oh well, they could have feelings... *raises eyebrow*) don't really mix well. I try and sometimes I get lazy and then my grades reflect that but *sigh* enough about grades and onto the real issues. Haha. So we walked into the auditorium and I found Jasmine on the way and I sat next to her. On some weird coincidence Jenn Maas ended up sitting next to me so I pointed out Job in the jazz band and I couldn't stop looking at him. He was so cute up there playing trumpet in Jazz band. He's got this... essence or something that makes it so easy for me to find him in a crowd or whereever. It's like when he's near I can feel his presense.

Now I'm talking to him about how I'm conflicted because I want to make everyone happy. I'm definitely going to die trying but it's just the way I am. He told me that his mom thought it was inappropriate that we were laying together and now everytime he hugs me I feel guilty because of what his mom said. He keeps telling me he shouldn't have told me what his mom said because then I wouldn't feel guilty. I think not knowing would've been worse because then... well I'd say I'd go against his mom's wishes even more but when I think about it I'm not the type to really throw myself on a guy. Besides hugging him and holding hands we pretty much do nothing. We have our playful moments and some are annoyed, some are indifferent, and some think it's cute. I have to realize everyone has their own opinions and I should do what I do and be who I am and if anyone has a problem it's theirs and not for me to change just to their liking. I like Job way too much to let what anyone else may say effect that.

He just made a blogger and wrote about how much he likes me and how I don't know it and he may just be right because I feel the same way. I always feel like something I may do or say will drive him away. Haha, that was a good one... a new msn title perhaps? Or maybe a start to another horrible poem of mine? Well at least not for now... not for now, maybe for later... Sorry, I'm having many creative thoughts at the moment and I'm not sure why. I want a root beer float. That may have seemed add-ish but I've been hungry for a while and thinking about logging off to go make one seen as I haven't eaten since after school today. That and I may have subconsciously decided to type that because I wanted to change from that sensitive subject? Ahh, the complexities of my brain... pretty sad when even I do not understand them.

Now I'm talking to Chris, mostly about Job too. I don't think more than 10 seconds may pass when I don't think about him. I've found myself drifting off in class thinking about him and usually it's bad because then I don't catch what the teacher's saying but it really passes the time until I get to see him. Job, I don't think you realize how much I like you. You may think because I'm pretty (this being the second time I've admitted to being not hard to look at) that you don't deserve me or something crazy like that but have you ever looked in the mirror? I'm sorry, we're all relatively shallow people and those who say they don't go out with people for what they look like are liars because maybe they just like the "untraditional" attractiveness which basically means they don't find the normal standard of beauty fits their standards of what beauty is or should be.

*shakes head* I'm getting too enveloped with this at this hour of the night. Especially since it's around now that I start making up philosophies about life such as that last quite trivial thought on the standards of beauty. In my opinion Americans are rather... well have is more like it, have a broad view of what beauty is and it's a good thing because no one should be treated any differently for the way they look. Acting on the other hand... well as I said I will not envelope myself any further into a topic which may take me to a place I can't leave and then I'll be kicked off the pc without an explaination and people may be offended because they took my words out of the context of which I meant them. Ok, I can't remember what I was going to write about next because I got too submersed in thinking again so night too all.

Mandy ~ 10:52 PM

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Panic Attack

*sigh* All I have to say is it's nice to be home. Today I had a panic attack 4th hour after I'd gotten back the grammar test I failed (58%). I was thinking about Solo Ensemble and how I didn't have any of my singing songs memorized and how the groups haven't been practicing enough and I just started freaking out. I've actually been waiting for it because the last one I had was... wait it was last year, that I remember because Jameson was comforting me. Wow, I haven't had one in a while. I broke out in hives on my chest and couldn't breathe so I told Trisha and I got up and walked out of the classroom so no one would get freaked out. I went into the bathroom and just cried (that automatically happens when I get panic attacks) and I was about to walk back into grammar and I found Anthony and Kevin and they talked to me and comforted me, which was nice. Then Kevin went into history and told Kate and she came out and so did Trisha and we went to the bathroom again because I hadn't stopped crying. Kate and I walked so I could breathe and she walked me down to the office but I didn't want to go to the sick room because I didn't want to miss any more class so I went back up to grammar and Santy was really good about it. He gave me some water and after class he told me about how he got really bad nerves before performances.

Enough about that stupid crap. My body is dumb and that's all there is to it. I just need to calm down and play some games and talk to friends and I'll be just fine. Job, you picked a winner, haha. After school Job came into grammar (which suprised me) while I was talking to Santy about his guitar thing and Job was thoroughly confused about what happened because everyone else knew. I told him on the way to the band room and I don't think even after that he understood. Heck, I don't even know fully why and/or how my body does it but it's thoroughly annoying and I can't wait until it goes away if it will at all.

Job told me about how us laying together when I came to his house was inappropriate in the terms of his mom and I got extremely bothered because the last thing I want to do is offend his family. I then decided to stay away from Job as much as I could trying to break my habit of clinging with him. He whined which was too cute to ignore so I kind of gave in but I was still bothered by what his mom said. A few times I pretended to faint and I took him down with me because he didn't want to hurt my ribs that were aggravated. Stupid body. It was funny when he put his arms around me and put me in a death grip because I tried to get out and he'd constrict and then I pretended like I was hurt and said 'ow' in the worst acting possible so he'd know I wasn't actually hurt. Beau Walker saw what was happening and gave us his most evil reprimanding look which was pretty evil looking. I think it made Job laugh although it made me feel horrible. Well I'm going to eat some fish... in a game.

P.S. I also told Mrs. P I wanted to drop my solo and she got angry and said fine so I don't know if I'm going to or not because she saw me crying and talked to me and told me to take one song at a time. All I have to say is I can't wait until S and E is over!

Mandy ~ 5:41 PM

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Wind Ensemble

Tonight I went to a concert in Eagle River with Emily, her mom, and Kate. It went from quarter after 7 until 9 and I loved it. It was a five person wind ensemble and I didn't hear a single mistake. *sigh* That made my night, thanks Emily! Besides that not much else has been new. There's a new clarinetist in wind ensemble and she's freaking awesome and I've hardly heard her play. She's homeschooled but she studied music at the Conserve as they call it (Milwaukee Conservatory? I believe). I heard her playing her solo in Zunker's office and I was just amazed with her accuracy in her runs and everything. I really hope she's fitting in because I wouldn't even want to imagine how hard being a new student is let alone having been homeschooled your whole life. I already individually introduced myself to her but she seems a little more... high up there and that's probably because she's so good at clarinet. I believe it was Kate or Emily who told me that she's been playing for a long time and since she started she's practiced every day and that's a lot more than I can say for myself since I can't seem to find the time outside of the weekends. It's also a whole priority thing and I like relaxing when I can.

Today I was just milling about and I decided to go warm up in a band practice room. So I meandered in there and took an empty practice room and played my starting note for my solo and sloppily sang a little. I realized the person in the next room was playing a trumpet solo but I didn't really put the pieces together until I saw Job wander into the storage room after I went in there to visit with Kayla and Heather. Kayla laughed at me and she repeated Mrs. P (I believe, my memory is vague) saying 'Amanda, sing to Job' with this totally over romantisized tone like it was a love song to lure Job in. Now seriously I would never get a bf if I had to lure him in with a song. Haha, that reminds me about first hour... Wes Stefonik came into the instrument storage room and I said his mommy was my accompianist and he's like 'yea, she really likes your voice'. I just about died. It's weird to know that my accompianist talked to her son about my singing voice...

So... back to what I was previously saying. Job came into the storage room and sat down and we 'latched unto each other' as Kayla would say. More like sat next to each other and he put his arms around me. Then we just visited until lunch was over and then Kayla and I walked Job back up to his class that he was skipping out of. Then the bell rang for those who have skinnys and I went into Kitze's class and visited with Barbian, Nick, and a few other people. Then out of my blondeness (don't ask where I'm blonde because I wouldn't know, my arm hair that's non-existant?) I forgot that I was supposed to be studying for my grammar test. *sigh* Least to say I failed that test. I got back to the band room just in time to finish up the second half of my hw. I left at least 4 spaces of the at least 5 page test blank. I didn't know any of the definitions so basically I know I failed. I'm just glad I didn't have any homework tonight because I went to the concert and got home around quarter to 10. The only reason I got to log on was because I was lucky enough for Sarah to want to play a little ps2. I'll wager anything she's playing our most recent game, FFX, which we've had since it's come out but those RPG's take forever.

I hope Job and I aren't too clingy. I'm trying to be aloof by giving him space but he seems rather content being near me. I won't stop him either because I like it too much :p. I want to be more open with him and just kiss him whenever like Kate and Mike always do (not saying it's a bad thing, take no offense, I'm just complimenting your extremely high comfort levels). Then again I feel as though what we are doing is as far as PDA's should go because I know I get annoyed when couples are making out or being excessively feely with each other. As of recently I just stopped caring.

I'm riding the bus home from Solo Ensemble for the first time since 8th grade, I think. I'm going to be so comfortable. I'm wearing a maroon turtle neck sweater and black striped pants. Given I'll probably be wearing a heel of sorts which always sucks but the clothes will be comfortable unless it gets really hot and if that happens I'm screwed. I'm really nervous because I have 3 days until the day of S and E. I don't have my music memorized because we started way too late and I get nervous and don't breathe. Mostly during my solo, the one event when all the eyes will be on me. Well I'm going to go take a shower and then I'm off to bed because Sarah's going to sleep. Night all.

Mandy ~ 11:17 PM

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Smile

I got home from Job's house around half past 7. He got a cute haircut. First we went and rented Radio and I thought it was an ok movie. I may have been too preoccupied thinking about other things to really watch the movie. Job was a sweetie, as usual. After that we watched some Willy Wonka, then he played Grand Theft Auto, and we watched Analyse This. Well I didn't actually watch it as much as I fell asleep in Job's arms. *big smile* I really don't want to say anything else about my time with him because it's all... nothing anyone would really be interested in.

*sigh* I was and still am super happy but I have a feeling all of my 7 months of blogs have been deleted because in my 'posts' section it says...

The server encountered an internal error or misconfiguration and was unable to complete your request.
Please contact the server administrator, blogger@trakken.com and inform them of the time the error occurred, and anything you might have done that may have caused the error.

More information about this error may be available in the server error log.

So basically I can't revise any of my previously posted blogs because I don't have access to them. Oh well. Next!

Solo Ensemble... We're all screwed, for the most part. Mr. Zunker didn't give us nearly enough time to practice our S and E stuff. Brb, Pc...
So... I have 5 events all together and I don't really know any of them besides clarinet choir. I've only practiced woodwind choir twice because that's how many times that group has gotten together. Jake never comes in and practices so whenever he does he messes up our tone majorly and especially makes me look bad because we have the same part. My singing trio I've only run through maybe twice with Kate and Kayla and one other time with just Kayla, which was just weird with only two parts. Kayla and my duet is going really good and we've practiced a few times. I've practiced my solo tons and only twice through with my accompianist. Solo Ensemble is so screwed, for me at least. Ok, yes, that last sentence was a great example of bad grammar. What is a comma splice but you know what this whole blog is filled with it so it doesn't matter. Talking about grammar, no more! I'm off.

Mandy ~ 9:26 PM

Friday, February 20, 2004

P.S.

I wanted to leave the date of the blogger that explains what happened with Zack Baron for Job. Since you (Job) asked me earlier tonight about what happened I didn't want to leave you hanging so the entry is October 20th. It's weird to look back on those entries and see how much my life sucked and how much conflict I had. I was obsessive for no reason and in love with the idea of love. I definitely dumped all of my friends for Zack Baron which was so retarded, might I add because the pain he put me through so wasn't worth doing that. Great friends... they forgave me. Chris and Jasmine have almost always been by my side throughout everything. Thanks you guys... I realized I don't thank you enough even though you may also put me through trials do I not do the same to you? Thinking about how you've almost always been there for me makes me choke back tears. So Job there's the entry, you'll find it in my archives and it's really funny to read about all that happened if you need some time to waste.

Mandy ~ 10:38 PM

Melancholy

Grrr, Kate is evil... Tonight I had pep band and it all went great and the 8th graders suprised me and it was the fullest band we've had since Jameson. I hung out with Job and everyone in between quarters. There isn't much else to say on that because it was the typical pep band as of recently. Of course our guys won the game. After when the band had the pizza party Job and I went into the storage room and basically just sat there. We didn't really talk about anything in particular besides the one subject that held conversation for a few minutes... my distrust in guys.

Then Kate and Mike stumbled in and we all went into the dark chorus room and Kate and Mike proceeded in making out and me and Job walked about. At the end we all hung out in the commons and right before I left I think Job went to kiss me but I wasn't sure so I hugged him. Then when I got home Kate confessed to telling him he should kiss me. I just grrr... I don't know. I mean after telling Job about distrusting guys and then... and I like him, don't get me wrong, I really like him. It's been one week... I think it took at least a couple of weeks for Zach and me and then he screwed me over.

Mandy ~ 10:05 PM

Snow Day

So today Kate woke me up screaming 'why aren't we getting ready' and since I haven't been able to get back to sleep. I went to bed at 2 and woke up around 9 because of Kate. I'm so tired but there's no way I can get back to sleep because I'm anxious and I don't quite know why. Job told me yesterday before 4th hour the guy who beat him last Saturday at wrestling was suspended and now Job's going to sectionals and he has to lose the weight he's gained in the week since, it's only .2 lbs but he's nothing but muscle already.

I feel so bad because last night I had a hockey pep band and I spent the whole night with Job and he was always cold. His hands are almost always purple. We lost the hockey game against Antigo so a lot of people were mad. I didn't really care. I just enjoyed spending the night in Job's arms. Tonight I have a boys basketball pep band and it's a specail one becuase the 8th graders are coming to play with us. The thing that really sux is that we didn't have school so I'm sure a lot of people are going to think we aren't having the pep band.

Lets see what else... Friday my aerobics class walked to McDonalds and back which took the whole class period and it was tolerable but very slippery. I ended up latching arms with Heather Cook while we walked because we both kept slipping. I was really looking forward to going to Job's house to watch a few movies but he has practice and then we have pep band so I guess it's ok.

He's so sweet and... *sigh* I just feel like there has to be something wrong because he's just so perfect. Sure he may not talk a lot but perfect isn't what everyone thinks it is. Perfect to me defined is a person being who they are. Ok, how about I make up my own word for it... perfetivate. Idk, it sounded cool. So anyway. It's crazy... We've only been going out a week. Maybe it's something I do. I let myself fall too fast and then after the first couple of weeks when they have me hooked they mess with me because they can get away with it. I told Job my thoughts on it and he said he wouldn't use me... I can only hope.

*sigh* Off that heavy subject. Now I'm laughing because Kate gave the phone to me and Mike did the hamster thing song from the Quizno's commercial. *They're Quizno subs, they are good for you, they have a pepper bar* Mike does the perfect distortion and I can't not laugh when he say 'bar' because it's so raunchy. Ahhh, it's nice to be able to have a good laugh. Lately I've noticed through Job that I've been laughing a lot. It's crazy but I like it. He's so funny. When I was talking to him earlier on msn he was trying to do the rubix cube and he got frustrated and broke it so then he cheated and put it together broken.

I don't really have much else to write about so I'll see you later. Well I could say quick that I wanted to draw these really cool looking seashells that Sarah has that I've never seen anywhere else. I even looked on google through all of the images and couldn't find any that match a couple of the shells. But... I asked Sarah instead of borrowing them (she would never notice anyway because she's got so much crap in her room) and she said no because they're arranged in a certain order and the truth is I already took them out and put them back in order so who says I can't do it again? I only wanted a couple from the top... oh well. BYE

Mandy ~ 3:32 PM

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Me Once Again

I'm so unbelievably tired and I still have to take a shower. I took a quick one earlier but I have to take another one because I put hairspray in my hair and it isn't really dirty but idk, I guess I'm just really hygenic? I'm talking to Chris about how we've drifted apart as friends and he asked me when I was going to change back to the way I was and I almost started laughing. Does anyone, wait no, stop. Rephrase that. CAN anyone go back to the way they were at any point in their previous life? Not completely because their life and everyone in it has changed around them.

In answer to Emily's question posted in her blogger... I've been ignoring a lot of people because seriously they've been ignoring me. All except you, Emily (besides Job of course). Kate's completely occupied with Mike now and no matter how I try to carry on a non-related conversation it always ends up going back to Mike. No offense but he's so selfish and as to steal her very thoughts away and her mental being when I'm trying to converse with her... and then I realize somethings just happen that way and there's nothing any of us can do about it.

I never talk to Katie, Jasmine, and hardly ever to Kayla anymore. It all seems we're inflicted with love, a mere obsession which takes us over just to tell us to get it over with and be on the next one. We all use each other in different ways no matter what anyone says. We have friends to fit in, we have bfs/gfs to feel loved, we have family because it's always been there, et cetera.

No matter how sinacle that last part was we all still need each other and that's what keeps us together. Tonight was nice being able to do my own thing and be with Job.

Late night
Long day
My eyes fight
Something to say

Can't quite recall
Clock ticking
...
The keys clicking

Thinking
Deleting
Memories
Repeating

Inside my head
Words to be said

Unspoken is he
Although telling me
With his eyes

The words which I seek
Are the ones he won't speak

Don't even ask about the poem because I'm way too tired to even try to explain it. Job... Why do you torment me? Ok, I may just be extremely tired but I feel as though you're hiding behind yourself. As weird as that may sound. I initiate and you follow like it's... forced. You're a machine carrying out my will. I'm always first to initiate, whether emotionally or physically and you just add in your say when it's safe? I'm not trying to make you feel like crap or tell you what to do because I feel as though you just do what you think I want you to do. I like you too much to let you be whipped and I'm trying so hard to establish that you don't have to bow down and worship me because that's the farthest thing from what I want. You're so sweet and nice but everything you say or do is another step to please me. Basically what I want is equality and right now you seem much more giving to me. I really hope I don't regret writing this but night to all.

Mandy ~ 12:11 AM

Monday, February 16, 2004

Queen of the Dorks

That would be me. I feel so stupid because Job just decided to stop by with a picture cd he made. Now that wouldn't have been so bad had I known and not had a green facial mask on, pjs, hair back, and glasses on. He just stood there while I fumbled over the english language because I was so shocked and I finally just gave him a hug and he left. I looked like absolute hell and he didn't even scream. He smiled and quietly laughed at my frustration was more along the lines. Grrr, evil boys catching me by suprise and then laughing at me.

NEWAYS! Today I had another sh 4th hour because Santy still isn't back and I'm sure if I were in his position I wouldn't be for a while either. For my study hall I went to the band room and practiced my singing Solo Ensemble solo and duet. Earlier today during treble choir I practiced for the first time with my accompianist, Mrs. Stefonik. She's super nice and really pushes me to do my best. She kept complimenting me on what a lovely voice I have and that I just have to bring it out and really play up the piece. Kayla and I also sang our duet quite a few times today and I'm absolutely in love with it. After school I was singing her part and I'm sure people were getting annoyed although no one told me to shut up. It was just a singing day for me especially since I could somewhat sing because my throat wasn't too bad today. Now I'm going to go play this castle game Job got me stuck on last night when he was cheering me up.

Mandy ~ 7:04 PM

Sunday, February 15, 2004

I Learned About Job Today... in Church?!

For those who read the title and are confused because they know I'm agnostic have no fear. I have not crossed over. Last weekend I went to my grandparents house and my grandma asked Kate and me to attend church with her. If anyone here really knows me they know I'll do anything for the people I love and especially since my grandpa now sleeps in a hospital bed in the living room because he's having problems again there was no way I was going to deny her that and then be guilty for thinking of her alone for 3 hours in a church. Today she came and picked Kate and me up and then took us to church and I was more uncomfortable today than I have been in as long as I can remember. The youth did their thing and Mike visited us a few times and such and then we left. I truely never want to go in a church again and I have no inner qualms about wanting to be religious either. It's so organized and brainwashing and it's crazy scary. Anyway the Zion pastor gave one sermon and it was the one of Job and I thought it was rather ironic considering. Kate and I laughed when I asked about the wife and she realized they never mentioned a wife although they mentioned his kids. So I came to a conclusion that his wife may have been agnostic and was disregarded in the bible because of it and Kate laughed so hard I thought... well I think about a lot of stuff. Here's the conversation I'm having with Job on it...

The "Girl" with Braids, Right Brandon? says:
you were named after the job in the bible or just because it was a religious name?
Geekster says:
what u mean
The "Girl" with Braids, Right Brandon? says:
you're religious
Geekster says:
yes
The "Girl" with Braids, Right Brandon? says:
and considering micheal was named after the arch angel
The "Girl" with Braids, Right Brandon? says:
from the bible
The "Girl" with Braids, Right Brandon? says:
i thought you might be named after job from the bible
Geekster says:
yes i am
The "Girl" with Braids, Right Brandon? says:
have you ever read that section?
The "Girl" with Braids, Right Brandon? says:
about how he was tortured
Geekster says:
yes many times
The "Girl" with Braids, Right Brandon? says:
ok
The "Girl" with Braids, Right Brandon? says:
ever notice they never mentioned a wife?
Geekster says:
yes
The "Girl" with Braids, Right Brandon? says:
maybe she was agnostic and unimportant because of it, haha, sorry
The "Girl" with Braids, Right Brandon? says:
kate and i thought that was really funn
The "Girl" with Braids, Right Brandon? says:
funny*
Geekster says:
probably cuz the story was just on job
The "Girl" with Braids, Right Brandon? says:
i know, but it's weird they mentioned kids and no wife
Geekster says:
i dont like to read from the bible though so i dont think i read it all but most of it
The "Girl" with Braids, Right Brandon? says:
because if it's in the bible and a guy has kids he MUST be married because otherwise it'd be unholy and so you'd think they would've killed off the wife with the first set of kids but no, then he'd have to remarry and that wasn't even a thought back then?
The "Girl" with Braids, Right Brandon? says:
it's ok
Geekster says:
yes i understand what your trying to say
The "Girl" with Braids, Right Brandon? says:
sorry, i like challenging things
The "Girl" with Braids, Right Brandon? says:
*sigh*
Geekster says:
u dont have to be sorry

So nice about everything. I challenge the book of his religion and he doesn't even seem to mind. *sigh* He makes me wonder. Then again what doesn't make me wonder since I question everything. Now I gave him the address to this and he'll be reading about what I think in a short time. I hope it doesn't freak him out by some of the things I say or how I write because we've only been going out a couple of days and before that we just recently got to know each other so I'm just taking it as it comes. Well I'm going to end this just in case Sarah decides to take back her pc in the next few minutes.

Mandy ~ 7:39 PM

Saturday, February 14, 2004

The "Girl" with the Braids, Right Brandon

Ok, so I'm having some difficulties called... my enter button doesn't work so I had to use the space key many times to get the desired spacing. I don't understand... the button works for the first 15 minutes I'm on the pc and then it just quits. So anyway onto today and what all happened. This morning we got Valentine grams in band. I got two, one from Kate and one from Job. The one from Job read something like 'I'm too shy to ask you to your face but will you go out with me?' and I know for a fact Angela Baron wrote it and I'm not quite sure why but Job did tell her to write it. So I was happy about that and then everyone got into their uniforms after running through the Chicago marching music a couple of times. While I was standing in the storage room talking to Katie Barbian, Job walked in and he started talking with us and then he went over to where everyone throws their coats and he picked them up and from underneathe was carefully nestled a gorgeous pink rose of which he handed to me. I got so flustered because he'd gotten me the gram and the rose and I wanted to say yes but I didn't know with all of my past failures so I just moved my mouth in patterns and no words seemed to proceed although the fashion was much like talking it was just babbling.

Then after class I was walking happily down the hall and I noticed Mr. Santy standing by the door to the teacher's lounge waiting for someone and he appeared to be looking at me. I turned around and saw no one so I walked up to him and said hi and he grabbed my free hand (for the other was grasping my gorgeous flower) and he continued talking to me in a very calm voice with a hint of grief. As a teacher he's gotten very well at hiding his feelings of frustration or other "distracting" emotions. He said his mother had died that morning without any sign of illness and that he wasn't going to be teaching my fourth hour class because he'd be leaving immediately to attend her funeral and I just stared at him in disbelief and nodded when he was finished and then tried not to cry for the grief he conveyed upon me. Later I almost cried talking to a fellow grammar student, Trisha.

So when we got into fourth hour everyone just sat down and dilly dallied until a librarian came into the class and told us for those whom hadn't found out already about everything that had happened and then she proceeded in leading us down to the library where most of us plopped onto a computer to satisfy our boredom into mild amusement. Nick found Oregon Trail and then him, Nichole, and me began playing it and we averaged about 3 finished games in the 90 minutes of the class period. I laughed and tried to shrug off everything because it was after all... the day before Valentines Day. One of the most commercial holidays and then again considering they all have obtained commercial values and costumes through the years 'buy our cute heart shaped cookies or roses for your sweetie' et cetera. Considering the day (today in respect since it is quarter after 1 am) was founded upon a day in Greek history in which there was a major orgy. So Valentines day is an excuse to go out and buy candy and flowers to court the one whom you'd like you participate in an orgy with. Fair enough I might say. There should be the fufillment of my daily morbid thoughts and comprehension of anything human and or otherwise.

Then today after school I hung out in the band room and groped Job in a not-so-groping way. It's hard to explain but for those who witnessed it they can atest to the fact. I'm talking rather weird tonight and I will apologize in advance for fear of forgetting the fact upon reaching the end of this documenting. After that there was a whole ordeal where Andy Polzin broke the glass water holder around my rose and spilled water all over the ground and then stuck the starving rose back into a slot without water. Then I sliced up my fingers rather thoroughly by trying to pick up the pieces to throw them away. After I came home from the movies I soaked them in hydrogen peroxide to clean them out and I did the 'pain dance'.

The movies... What my diary title was referring to. Tonight I went to the movies around 7 to see 50 First Dates with Job, Emily, and Brandon Lewis. I got there late because I decided to wash my hair while waiting for the food and Sarah didn't end up getting home with the pizza until 10 to 7. By this time I had been sufficiently playing the role as the chicken without it's head because I had to do a million things in minutes. So I got there and Job, Emily, and Brandon were all waiting and they read me the 'you're late' riot act and I took it and said thanks to my Friday the 13th that there was still an available ticket at such a late time. We watched the movie and made jokes the whole time... Brandon Lewis is absolutely hilarious! Then we played some arcade games and I beat Job in two racing games. Then Brandon pressed that I had not yet answered Job's question and so I said 'I've said yes many times tonight' as in how do you know I haven't made one of those yes' in reference to the answer to Job's question. By that time we were 'officially going out'. Like we even needed the title *she mumbles under her breath... about a girl name Beth* Yay, I just made a Strongbad reference. I also found out Job and Brandon love Strongbad. I had no idea so many people knew about Strongbad! Anyway then we all hung out and sat down on a bench and Job put his arm around me and I rested my head on his chest and he just relaxed which was so nice and somewhat comfortable although it's hard to be comfortable on a hard wooden bench all scrunched together because there's three people sitting on it. Then Job's mom came in and he removed his arm and I immediately felt embarassed because I had no idea what his mom thought to be appropriate and inappropriate. Then we all kicked back for a few more minutes, I used Brandon's cell to call home for a ride and we all went home. Holding his hand feels so right... now I shall say good night.

Mandy ~ 1:24 AM

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Love is in the Air, or Maybe Just Horomones... *shrugs*

So here I sit quarter past 10
Wondering when
When will I know...
Will his true feelings ever show?
His eyes don't betray him
By telling me his truths
Something that isn't anything new
Wondering if this time it's true...
These feelings I mean
And often I careen
Into uncertain places
Painful in those cases
Does he want me?
Or want to use me
What a difference one word can make
And often forsake
Is this time the same?
Who was to blame?
Wanting to deny
These feelings deep inside
Avoiding agony
That may come again
If I let another in

So anyway I didn't by any means intend to write a poem but I guess those things just happen sometimes. I also know the poem is shit because I'm suffering from a severe block but I just wrote whatever word popped in first. If you don't know it's about Job and he's going to ask me out in a Valentine card and I want to say 'yes' because my heart yearns for love and at the same time I don't want to crush it again by something that'll only pull me in to spit me out... in other words use me. We all use each other in a way but I like to think of better things. Tomorrow I'm going to try to talk to Job and tell him that he can touch me (in appropriate ways mind you). I feel so nervous around him and I think it's because he doesn't want to show any emotion because some guys are just like that. The fear to love. I just want him to loosen up around me and I have this feeling that he either doesn't think he's good enough, which is hilarious or that he doesn't want me to know how much he really likes me. No matter what I feel there is something there unsaid amongst many other things. Job is a man of few words and for someone like me, one of many words it's hard because I just want to sit down with him and know his opinions and beliefs and how he feels about certain things. Why he's in band because something had to drive him this far to stay in it as well as wrestling. He's definitely one to stick to something once he's started it or at least that's what I've observed from what little I know. Well now I must be going and now I will let you know one other belief of mine is that whenever I'm with a guy I become like him no matter how hard I try. I started this particular blog to write in it my feelings and tonight is a night when words don't flow freely or as freely as they normally do. I wanted to say many other things and like that I'm becoming like Job because I guess they'll be left unsaid, at least for now. I don't want to say anything I may want to take back later and I'm not talking about gossip but rather my personal opinion upon this whole situation. Now I will leave you guessing like Job leaves me every day.

Mandy ~ 10:31 PM

Sunday, February 08, 2004

Pride Sucks

So right now my dad is down on the lake drilling a big ass hole to get water from. I'll start at the beginning...
Ok, for a couple of weeks now the water pump has been making a high pitched whistle noise. Sarah's been bitching about it insesantly so my dad took it upon himself to fix the pump a couple of days ago. So I went in there with him and helped him by handing him whatever and such. He worked on it for an hour and guess what... it didn't get fixed. So now our pump has been inactive for 2 days which means we have no water to take showers, drink, brush our teeth, flush the toliets, or anything else that may involve running water. Now my dad is so pissed off he refuses to call a plumber especially on a Sunday so he's drilling a big ass hole and having Sarah carry in 5 gallon buckets of freezing cold water. He's yelling a lot and poor Job called today to see if he could do something and I told him the jist in under a minute. So now I must go before I get murdered. Oh and I'm also going to my grandparents just to get a shower later.

Mandy ~ 11:11 AM

Saturday, February 07, 2004

*'Wonder What I Should Do Face'*

I'm talking to Sarah Schleuter right now and she's pissing me off. It seems everytime she talks to me she tries to push my buttons.

~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
seems like you have a different guy every month! lol
~Mandy~ says:
although we aren't going out it's like we're informal bf and gf
~Mandy~ says:
hey
~Mandy~ says:
i've been single for 2 months
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
lol
~Mandy~ says:
and before that i had a bf for 2 months
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
who was tat now?
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
that
~Mandy~ says:
and a week before that i wasn't even with the other guy, zach baron, the last bf was zack farris
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
wow
~Mandy~ says:
and before zack farris my last bf was scott scholtes
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
ive been with the same guy for almost 6 months
~Mandy~ says:
who i broke up with in april
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
lol
~Mandy~ says:
yea well, the guys fuck me over
~Mandy~ says:
what can i say
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
hmmm
~Mandy~ says:
nothing i can fucking do about it
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
better off with out i guess
~Mandy~ says:
yea, and it's what i've been trying to do
~Mandy~ says:
but no matter how much i want to stay single it always seems there's another guy in line promising to do everything the last one couldn't *shakes head*
~Mandy~ says:
and job, he's...
~Mandy~ says:
reserved
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
lol
~Mandy~ says:
if anything he won't use me
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
maybe
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
job has kinda proven to me that he's not the kinda guy i thought he was
~Mandy~ says:
yea, i'm trying to be optimistic because everyone says i'm such a pessimist
~Mandy~ says:
?
~Mandy~ says:
really
~Mandy~ says:
please do impart your information upon me
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
well
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
just by the way he's acted when i've seen him i've just gotten the impression that he was an asshole

~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
....
~Mandy~ says:
yea, don't ask
~Mandy~ says:
but have you ever seriously known job?
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
what you mean by serioiusly
~Mandy~ says:
been friends with him
~Mandy~ says:
actually talked to him
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
ive talked to him
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
im not really that great of friends with him
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
hehehe
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
(not about that)
~Mandy~ says:
?
~Mandy~ says:
not about what?
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
about the whole job thing
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
im just being mischeivous
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
hehe
~Mandy~ says:
i guess, just seems like you're trying to piss me off
~Mandy~ says:
really, it's not a smart thing to do
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
what are you tlakin about?
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
i was laughin about something else
~Mandy~ says:
whenever i talk to you i always end up getting pissed off
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
i just dont really like job
~Mandy~ says:
first you make fun of me not being able to keep a bf
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
how was i making fun of you?
~Mandy~ says:
and then you tell me the next guy 'might' not be a good idea
~Mandy~ says:
so then you put doubts into my head
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
i never told you that
~Mandy~ says:
i start acting different around job which in turn makes him doubt me
~Mandy~ says:
and then he thinks it'd be better that we didn't go out anymore, on dates or even the idea of us being what you call an 'item'
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
and how is all this my fault?
~Mandy~ says:
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
seems like you have a different guy every month! lol
~Mandy~ says:
not really something to laugh about
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
it was a joke
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
im sorry i didnt mean for you to take it so personally
~Mandy~ says:
i get fucked over by a guy, more than one, quite a few
~Mandy~ says:
and you laugh
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
omg im sorry
~Mandy~ says:
and now you're going to pretend like it's me who's overreacting
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
i am obviously clueless because lets see...im never around you!
~Mandy~ says:
and you're the one who jokes about guys...
~*Quiero que te quedas junto a mí*~ says:
do you really think im that shallow as to purposely hurt your feelings?
~Mandy~ says:
yes

It's all we ever do because she doesn't know a damn thing about me and yet she pretends to. Right now Kate and I are going back and forth saying equally degrading things to Sarah and I'm having so much fun. I'm ripping on her so badly. So now I'm off to do something of importance. I think my IQ just dropped 20 points from stooping to understand her concept of the english language.

Mandy ~ 10:38 PM

Feeling Guilty

Although there's no reason for me to feel that way. I feel bad because of Chris. Since he's told Jasmine and me that he loves me I can't help but feel bad and that it's my fault for making him feel that way. Then I think in the same way that it isn't my fault because in some respect Chris and I are in the same boat but just on opposite ends. He wants to love me and I don't want to love anyone and yet we both have problems that get in the way of our "goals". Chris can't seem to find a girl whom he likes that likes him back and I can't seem to part myself from guys no matter how much I try because all they've ever done was hurt me.

I'm in the same situation again now with Job. I was determined not to like him just because he's cute and nice and such a gentleman and obviously as anyone who can read the english language or who sees me when I'm around him can tell that I just gave in again. I've been single for... 2 months. *cries* It seemed like longer and that's probably just because before this I wasn't really single at all. I like being single too.

It's crazy that I'm not jealous of those who have significant others or whom they consider to be so. I thought I would be and that I'd always need that specail guy to make me feel loved and wanted and the sort but it's really fallacious because I'm perfectly content. My grades are the highest they've ever been and I feel a drive to do better in school like I never have before or that I've just forgotten about because it's been so long since I could really dedicate my time to school.

Now is the test. If I can be with Job and keep my grades up then I think I can really prove not only to myself but also my parents and friends that I can take care of everything in my life. I still have maybe another month of singledom because at the rate it's going with Job I have no clue when he'll ask me out. I've been seriously considering him since around Snoball and that was last month at the end of the month (the 24th). So it's been exactly 2 weeks since and he's not even comfortable talking to me freely, yet. I had to laugh because Michelle Slosser told me that she was talking to Job about me on the bus to one of their away wrestling meets (she's one of the managers) and she asked him when he was going to ask me out and he said he'd like to but he's too shy. I was like yea, that's about right and she was like 'omg, to me he never shuts up but he said it was because he was comfortable with me. Err, guys are so stupid' and then she walked out of the instrument storage room to leave me thinking.

So... last night I had a pep band and I saw Job and sat with him for some of the time in between quarter changes (when we played). It was absolutely hilarious when Everest would be fouled and have to do a freethrow because Job would cover his mouth like he was yawning or something and then make the loudest chicken bauking and it sounded so real! It worked a lot of the time too. I can make a duck call with my hands and mouth and somewhat of a loon call with just my voice but I want to find out how to make one with my hands and by blowing air throw my mouth. Now I have an idea for an internet search 'how to make loon calls'.

Anyway back to the topic of Job... well Jasmine sat on the other side of him and she'd try to talk to me and I'd lean over Job's lap and be all over him like I was just trying to hear what Jasmine was saying. It made him smile. I got pretty annoyed though when Chris Ziegler and Brian Jorata came and sat by us and were saying Job wasn't hitting on me because he's gay and of course he denied it and I was like 'well he's a gentleman and after pep band Jasmine and I are going to have an orgy but ohh, we can't have an orgy with only two people so Job would have to join in'. After that Brian and Chris shut up. After the pep band Job walked me to the side where Kate and I were getting picked up and I gave him a hug and we left.

Kate and I came home to a few guys. I tried to go to sleep to no prevail because Sarah was in hysterics of laughter and Steve was screaming so loud, trying to sing. So then Kate and I went downstairs and joined them. They were all in Sarah's room, Jason Kennedy, Steve Waas, and some Jake guy I've never seen in my life. Jake was shorter (probably a couple inches taller than Sarah so around 5'7") with dark hair but he was cute and weird... After a while Kate and I got kicked out because we beat Sarah up because she was being mean. Until next time when I have some more boring happenings of my life to impart upon those who are so unlucky as to read this.

Mandy ~ 1:15 PM

Friday, February 06, 2004

*Wonders*

Today was a normal day. During homeroom I had to get my picture taken for tech crew which was fun because I got to skip out of homeroom. Fourth hour I had a grammar test and I got an 84% and that's really good because the half I aced was all memorized about possessive, objective, and subjective singulars and plurals which was basically a chart of 15 words and which went under each category. Then there was a bunch of other things like the derivative suffixes and the 6 noun determinants. I was just suprised I aced the front although on the back where I had to separate the nouns and pronouns I didn't do so well. Bob Weigant came in and played some electric guitar which was great because he was really good and other various things. Then after school I went to the band room and hung out with everyone.

Jasmine and I then proceeded to walk around the school without an objective and when we walked past the loading room Jasmine saw Job. We walked past again and it was Job and another wrestler filling up a cleaning bucket with water and soap to clean something, obviously. I walked past again and said 'SO Jasmine!' and the other guy hit the bucket and the hose came out and sprayed Job's crotch and it looked like he had an accident. Then he realized Jasmine and I were standing there and he just looked really flustered but it was so cute. I swear I 'awwed' so many times and I just wanted to walk up behind him and hug him and be like 'it's ok hunny'. Whenever I see him I just want to be so affectionate with him and yet we've hugged like twice and held hands one night, almost the whole night at Snoball. I'm afraid though if I start giving into my urges he'll think I'm too clingy like the last guy did. Now I must go and take a shower and then I'm off to pep band to meet up with all of my friends including... Job!

Mandy ~ 5:14 PM

Thursday, February 05, 2004

Mmmm, Spandex, I Mean Nice Wrestling Meet

*Looks around innocently* So I got home about half hour ago from Job's wrestling meet. His mommy gave me a ride home after the game. My mom dropped me off at the RHS around 7 and I went and found an empty place because I didn't recognize anyone besides Zack and Ang Baron and I wasn't about to sit with them. Half hour later after the star spangled banner I saw Job's mom and went and sat next to her. Throughout the game we talked every now and then about random things like sports, and siblings and the sort. I found wrestling quite interesting and our team lost because they had to forfeit at least 6 times because we didn't have guys that matched the other team in their weight category. Job got 2 points on his guy and then the ref incorrectly called the other guy pin on Job which was really wacked because the match was over so fast and you could tell Job wasn't pinned. After the game I waited around and then Job came back from cleanup and the showers and they took me home and when I got out Job went up and opened the door for me and I hugged him good bye although more than anything I just wanted to kiss him but it would've been moving too fast. *sigh* I'd never have the courage to make the first move anyway especially on a guy I'm not even going out with. Well I'm going to go because now someone's mad at me...

Mandy ~ 9:53 PM

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Discombobulation

If that's even a word or if it's even spelled right. *shrugs* SO what is there to say? Many things are going on with all of my friends and I find it hard to keep up at times. It's almost like in the past couple of years we've grown so fast and all of our issues are becoming more important and detailed. I feel as though a lot of the time I've been neglecting my duty as a friend to quite a few people including the ones I love the most.

Heather said she had to choose between two guys and she chose one and I thought it was about her family and she said it had two meanings and I got them both so she just really confused me. I've been trying to figure out how I know and yet I don't know about this whole issue. Time will tell, hopefully.

Then today I had to figure my schedule for my senior year and I got Mr. Heideman and he was just retarded. He made me feel stupid by telling me I should stick to the easy classes and he didn't help me with any of my choices. Now if Mrs. Hanson were there she would've told me what everything was about and how the teachers are and how they teach and really guide me like a GUIDEnce counselor is supposed to do! So I think I'm just going to go to guidence during my study hall, if I can and talk to Mrs. Hanson because after the choices I made under Mr. Heideman's counseling I feel as though I may have picked a class that wasn't suited for me or challenged myself as I maybe should have seen as my drive to get good grades has substantially risen this year.

Last night I had my second sexual dream, that I can remember. I had it about a certain guy who's on the basketball team and whom I've had a couple of classes with but no relation otherwise. It confuses me how I have dreams about guys I don't know and really don't like besides the fact that I find them attractive. It was weird because (I won't get into details and scare people) the guy and me were sitting at the top of some stairs by a door and he was intimately telling me about how badly he wanted me and what he was going to do on prom night with me. Now the weird part was that I didn't get scared but excited and I played along with him and then after we talked we started making out. So later I was in some fabric store with tight isles and I was just browsing and everywhere I turned another person was whispering about the solicit whorish life I live when I'm a virgin. I was really unnerved and I wonder what this dream means symbolically.

A couple of days ago Job asked me to come to his meet tomorrow and today I asked Matt Paquette if he knew anything about it and he said it was an away meet at Stevens Pt. So then I got annoyed that Job would leave out such important details because all he said after I asked was it was at 7. Naturally I assumed it was a home meet because of course I can't drive and I can't go out of town on a school night. Then when I got home I realized from Kate's previous experience that Matt's a compulsive liar but I was so convinced he was telling the truth. My mom said it was ok if it was a home meet and I'm going to ask Job tomorrow.

Jasmine informed me about this huge ordeal that she just went through with a Dr. Goldson who wanted to buy her house and how he suffered from a major heart attack and his wife pulled the life support tonight because he went brain dead and I almost started crying. She wrote about it in her blogger and now I have a new theory that is easily disproved; nonetheless I will state it...

Anyone who lives in Rhinelander and leads a successful live or knows what they're going to do and will succeed in life leads a very short life. My examples are Jameson (his life was emotionally taken away by the physical taking away of his career and love), Lindsey, and Dr. Goldson.

*sigh* so much to say. If only it were effortless to recall happenings and record them for all to read but alas I'm lazy and the world is never ending. Wait, that made no sense... I'm lazy and some cheese smells bad? Absolutely no correlation because smelly cheese has never really crossed my path nor has it had some 'lazifying' effect upon me. OH OH, I got it...
I'm lazy and Mrs. Hanson is the only good and sane guidence counselor. Good night all.

Mandy ~ 10:26 PM

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Grades!

I didn't remember about getting report cards today until I read about what Emily wrote in her blog. I'm satisfied with my grades because my accumulative pt. ave. is 2.77 and my gpa for this past term was 3.71 which is really good compared to what I've been doing. I got an A- in ceramics, which is a miracle of god because I worked my ass off and usually I don't get what I deserve. Then I got a B+ in Sociology because I'm sure I failed the final. Then of course two A's in treble and Wind Ensemble. So enough about my grades. So today Job asked me to come to his wrestling meet on Thursday because it's a home game and he said that he was going to lose so I don't know why he wants me to come. He said they're playing Wis. Rapids I believe and they never win against them. I told him I would go to watch him but I didn't even ask permission until after school today and my mom shrugged and she should so let me go because of my kickass grades.

So then before 4th hour I ran into Matt (the ex) and he said 'What, just because I'm your ex doesn't mean you can treat me like that' and I had no idea it was him so I turned around and saw him and I apologized and he laughed and asked me how I was and I said 'blah'. Seriously now, who says 'blah' in response to 'how are you?'. I guess I was just flustered because I wasn't expecting to talk to him. Then I asked him how he was and he said 'Ok, I guess. Racing season is over so that sucks' and I'm like 'yea, I bet'. Matt-'I'm looking for Shawn' Me-'Oh, he's in my next class' Matt-'Grammar?!' Me laughing- 'Yes'. THEN we both walked into class together and Shawn gave me the weirdest look so I hung back and Kate and Jasmine were in there and so I talked to them before they left for their classes. After grammar Nick asked me if I wanted to sing in the arms of an angel while he play piano for Friday and I said sure but now I don't know if we're going to do it because he has a lot going on and we need to get together and practice. It would be so much fun to do that but also nerve racking because I've never sang for a class of only my peers and especially a few I'm not friends with.

I don't really know what else to write about besides the fact that I'm super busy with Solo Ensemble because I'm singing a solo, singing a duet, singing a trio, playing in a wind ensemble, and playing in clarinet choir. Then I also have to learn the 2 two page songs for marching in Chicago which is medium difficult because I have to memorize them. Mmmm, well I'm going to get going, have fun all.

Mandy ~ 9:08 PM

Sunday, February 01, 2004

*Taps Nails* Stupid Title

So that's what happens when you can't think of a title. Well at least that's what happens to me. So I believe I forgot to mention that at the last conference for RHS wrestling (at Merril) Job was the only one who won his match. It even specifically mentioned him in the paper. I'm glad Emily forgives me for the misunderstanding. From now on I'll have to be a lot more clear about everything and anything I write. Last night I stayed up until 2 am to finish my book, Silver Wolf by Alice Borchardt. I'm planning on starting the sequel: Night of the Wolf soon. I don't really have anything to write... I always find that whenever I have the time to write there's nothing to write about and vise versa. That's probably because of the whole if I'm out doing something to write about of course I won't be sitting here and typing about it. So... I don't have any homework but I have to practice my clarinet choir music sometime soon and maybe my solo although I don't like it very much because the only thing that's challenging about it is the pronounciation of italian and just memorizing it, which comes pretty easy to me since I've memorized 3 songs for marching my freshman year and a different song each year after that as well as at least 3 longer songs for each year of marching season as well as the marching that goes along with it. Oh and I forget memorizing every preforming chorus song I've ever done and we won't try to count those. So I'm talking to Chris and since there's not much more to elaborate on... well at least that's in the least bit amusing I'm going to go before I bore anyone who's reading this to death.

Mandy ~ 4:37 PM