~The Music of My Life~

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Recap!

I just read Kate's blog and it had a bit of a blurb on the subject of the Chicago trip. First thing is I really have to remember to thank my mommy and daddy for paying for me even though I may not have had the best time but there were a lot of good moments thanks to friends and Job. As Kate said about Mike I will enpart about Job... he did make me very comfortable in a new and different environment. It was like no matter what, there was no way I would've gotten homesick because Job was there and would be there even if I did, like the week I spent in Florida. I don't know if I've gotten better about it since I spent that week across the country and Chicago was much closer and not as long. Now I have the Strawberry Parade to look forward to next year because it was too soon to get the money needed in less than 2 months. I'd also be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the company of my friends too. I loved rooming with Jasmine and Kate because it was like a 3 night slumber party. I love you guys and I hope I can room with you on the West Virginia trip too. It's so gorgeous over there... I can't wait.

I miss him sooo much and there's nothing I can do but wait until I can see him again tomorrow. The truth is I wake up every day and practically jump out of bed because I know in short time I'll be able to see Job. This is part of our convo from about 10 minutes ago...

`-,_,-´¯`-, Sie macht mich glücklich und ich liebe sie sehr ,-´¯`-,_,-´ says:
i knew you were messing around but it still made me feel bad for some reason
~Mandy~ says:
because as long as you realize the difference... i know i can hold anyone elses hand no matter who they are and they would never give me the feeling you give me when you take my hand in yours... there's almost nothing better
~Mandy~ says:
aside from kissing you
`-,_,-´¯`-, Sie macht mich glücklich und ich liebe sie sehr ,-´¯`-,_,-´ says:
yeah
`-,_,-´¯`-, Sie macht mich glücklich und ich liebe sie sehr ,-´¯`-,_,-´ says:
you're so sweet
`-,_,-´¯`-, Sie macht mich glücklich und ich liebe sie sehr ,-´¯`-,_,-´ says:
i love you
~Mandy~ says:
i love you too

If you were wondering what he meant by messing around after school today I held Anthony's hand as a joke and it kind of upset him but I meant nothing by it. I actually like to have the reminder that he is the only one and will be the only one that gives me that feeling. It's so nice to be so secure with it and him and how I feel about him. We even discuss everything so we're never 'in the grey' as they say, which basically means it's not clear black and it's not clear white so there's this area in between where you're not quite sure either way. So I'm wenting because it's almost 10 and as soon as mom gets out of the hot tub in the downstairs bathroom I'm so taking my shower.

Mandy ~ 9:48 PM

Monday, March 29, 2004

Uhhh Confusled

I'm happy because blogger didn't change but last night it was all weird so I don't know what's happening with that. Emily's upset and I don't know why and it's really going to bother because I know there's most likely nothing I can do to help unless it's I who upset her but I can't remember saying or doing anything to do so. *sigh* I really don't like some of the situations some people have put a lot of other people into. I hate it when people suffer from things beyond their own control. *sigh*

I've noticed only Emily and I have been writing in our bloggers recently. A lot of the people on my list haven't written in over a month. Oh well. Priorities are different for everyone and writing in a blogger isn't very important. To me it is though because I can write about things I may not be able to say otherwise or just to express my feelings if there's no one to talk to. If anyone noticed I sometimes write in here during the early hours of the morning when it's proven that people have deepest thought. Probably also the reasoning for Kate and I talking until those hours too some nights... well a lot of nights when we go to bed at the same time. Well even though I love writing in here I don't have a whole lot of write about so I'm off.

Mandy ~ 1:19 PM

Sunday, March 28, 2004

*scratches head*

Ok I really dislike change when it comes to some things and this is one of them. Why'd you change blogger formats! WHY? I don't like it. It's too... different than it was before. Grrr. Oh well, it was bound to happen sometime because things are constantly changing and I'll get used to it anyway. Tonight I went over to Job's house and it was the normal. Watched some movies and goofed off a lot. Beka also brought us down some coconut cake she baked that was really good. I could elaborate but the only person who'd want to read that would be Job and he already knows everything of course. This way it's our secret as well. Mmmm.

Tomorrow I have school off and probably because term ended Friday and that means Monday will be a teachers' inservice day. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. Probably take out the clarinet that I left rotting in the case all weekend. I actually practiced Moonlight Sonate on piano more than I practiced clarinet in the past few days. I really want to learn how to play the whole song just so I can say 'Ha, I've never gotten a piano lesson and I taught myself how to play moonlight sonate'. So far I only have about a page or a little over (out of 4 pages) practiced and I've run through different sections various times. Seen as I can't really practice piano without getting yelled at because it's in the living room and someone's always watching tv, has a headache, is trying to sleep, et cetera. The only person in this house who hasn't complained has been my daddy.

Speaking of whom has given me a ride home from Job's house tonight, made me eggs and bacon today, and has been being immensely nice to me lately. It's really making me wonder because he always used to yell at me and call me a lazy bastard and the such but idk... maybe he's changing. Maybe he's beginning to realize we aren't such bad kids compared to some other kids. Lets see here... we obey their every wishes, we get good grades, we do chores (although not all of them), we don't smoke/drink/ or do drugs, we definitely don't have sex and I'm going to be 18 in September. We also never try to talk them into things they don't want us doing and we may complain about our lives but we definitely let them know we love them on a daily basis. So that's my self pick-me-up for the month. Well I'm off. Getting tired and once I finish this it'll be once less thing to worry about.

Mandy ~ 10:11 PM

Another Night of This Dream

Today Job called me before I woke up and then when I did wake up I started cleaning my room in the hope that I might be able to have Job come over. Kate told me he called but somewhere in between my wakening confusion and cleaning I forgot she even told me until he called back and then I remembered and apologized for forgetting. Then I tried to ask my mom if I could do something and I thought of a million different things (well as many as you can do in nothing-to-do-ville) but she told me she felt really sick and had a bad headache and then she went to sleep. Then I finished cleaning and took a shower and while I was in the shower I heard my dad playing piano and it's like whenever I hear someone else playing music I automatically want to play it myself. Then I went upstairs and fiddled around with Moonlight Sonata or as the sheet music reads 'Sonate'. I highly doubt I can get in enough practice to be able to play that song for his class sometime this term.

Later Sarah had Jason Grant over and then I asked again if Job could come over and she said it was ok so I called him up right away and told him he could come over. Then I ate and he came over and we watched Lost in Translation and Mona Lisa Smile with Sarah and Grant and somewhere in between we went upstairs for a while and watched Whale Rider with my parents. It was a pretty uneventful night but it was nice to be able to spend time with him even though the only alone time we got was when we went upstairs to get the phone so he could check in and my dad had luckily fallen asleep. Even then it was about a minute or two of alone time but nonetheless very nice. I've noticed that's the only thing I don't go into great detail about is what Job and I do. Oh well, I'm sure it's for the better. The only person who'd want to know would be us and we already know since we did it ourselves *narrows eyes in confusion*.

So I really liked my horoscope for today...

Here is your horoscope for Saturday, March 27:

A better era begins. The ancient profession of matchmaking experiences a
renaissance in your part of the zodiac. This person could be the one. The line
between stranger and friend is already blurring.

This person could be the one... I really like that sentence. Does the previous sentence mean in a previous life I had 'the one' and now it's happening again in this life? That would be so cool if it were true. Well I'm going to go dream some more about it.

Mandy ~ 1:34 AM

Friday, March 26, 2004

Mmmm

Hehe. I love kissing Job. It's just so... unexplainable but it's the best. We got yelled at twice today. Once this morning in the storage room when we were hugging and then before 4th hour (the second time) when we were also hugging. I got really upset about this morning when we were just standing there for the longest time and I told Job about 5 times not to hug me because with out luck we'd get caught and he just grabbed me and hugged me and just at that moment Zunker walked in and yelled at us. He said one more time and then we're out and I'll assume (since he didn't specify) that he means he'll kick us out of band altogether? If he did I don't know how I'd react because band is one of the biggest parts of my life. Not like I haven't been in it since 6th grade which equates to 7 years and something I've been working on for 7 years isn't going to be taken away from me just because I fucking hug my bf.

That was a misplaced modifier if I ever saw one. I'm sure everyone knows I said 'fucking' because I was mad and in no way did I mean it to be a 'fucking hug' like we're fucking or something. That's another thing... today in grammar I said 'I feel like a fruitloop', to santy-'do you feel like a fruitloop' and all he said was no thanks after we'd been talking about misplaced modifiers for the whole 90 minutes. Obviously you don't feel like a fruitloop unless that's slang for another word. Like how fruitcake is slang for gay but that wasn't the point. *sigh* Well the point was I always use bad grammar and say lots of stupid things to get into Santy's book and not once. Although when Santy said he quit and Nick responded with 'I already quat' he gets put in the book. I don't understand.

Oh well. All is good because I got a C on the final and overall I'm going to get a B in grammar which makes me very happy because that was my goal. I'm sure everyone's like 'omg, grammar is so easy' but it really isn't. Everyone in that class had problems at one point or another even smarty pants Kayla Kuzmarski and Yerbol, the super intelligent foreign exchange student from Khazhstan. I know I spelt that wrong but oh well. I might just miss that class because of all the music. Speaking of which Kayla and I sang for my class our S and E duet and they loved it and Santy raved and today after our last class I hopped on the piano and played the first 12 measures of Moonlight Sonata and Santy said 'You whip that out now, on the last day?!' and I'm like 'I've never gotten a lesson and I don't know the whole song. I was just messing around.' and he told me I had to come in after I've learned the whole song sometime next term and play it for one of his classes if not all.

Job asked if we were doing something tonight and I told him I didn't know but I really want to do something with him. I miss him so much even when we've only been apart for an hour like right now. I've noticed a little while ago I don't always close my eyes when I kiss him and neither does he but sometimes I do and then he'll tell me so I guess he always keeps his eyes open. I just keep my eyes open when it's a quick peck which is what it usually is. Whenever we kiss longer than that I like to close my eyes and imagine it's just us which is usually never is. Not like I'm talking about my personal life. Actually it's more like 'not like I'm talking about my love life' because this whole blogger is my personal life. Oh well it's only my bandies and close friends who have this and it isn't any worse than having them see us actually kissing. Well I'm off to go do something to keep me busy.

Mandy ~ 4:47 PM

Thursday, March 25, 2004

7 Days and 7 Nights of Thunder

That's part of the song I dled the other day. It goes... The way you kiss me crazy (Your love's like the summer rain), baby you're so amazing (washing my doubts away), 7 days and 7 of thunder, the water's rising and I'm slipping under, I think I fell in love with the 8th world wonder. The words in the paranthesis are from the second verse of the song right before the chorus repeats. It's weird because at some parts of the song she sounds like Shania Twain and then other parts she sounds like Nelly Furtado.

My day was pretty normal today with the exception that it was finals and my schedule went 1st hour, 2nd hour, 1st hour, 2nd hour. Tomorrow it'll be 3rd, 4th, 3rd, 4th and I have no idea how I'm going to be able to deal with 90 minutes of treble choir since it's a skinny with a study hall. I'm really going to miss aerobics though because I got into such great shape and even though I wasn't really friends with anyone in there I became friends with quite a few people. So I'm sitting here and really debating with myself on change. It's like halfway through the quarter I seem to want to be over with it already and this time around I didn't really get that. Not even with grammar which is evil and a half. Most of the time it gets too redundant for me because I'll have a class 90 minutes every day but I guess I'm beginning to realize I'm not going to be here anymore in another year.

I can't get into that now because Sarah's taking a shower and she's going to throw a fit when she comes out and finds me on her pc. I'm thinking about Job again and how we got reprimanded after school. Job and I were in the storage room just in each others arms (standing up) and Zunker walked in and he's like 'Marquardt, Marquardt, no no no' and 'it's times like these when you're sneaking around in the shadows when those rules come into play' and then he didn't really do anything else besides say my name like it was profanity. So then he walked into the chorus room and Mrs. P was in her office with the door open and Zunker pointed at me and said Marquardt and Mrs. P gave us a reprimanding look and said 'it takes two to tango' because Zunker was basically blaming it on me so I guess I was raping Job. *shrugs* I feel horribly guilty and I'm just glad I don't have band tomorrow so I won't really have to face him.

So there are a few things I keep forgetting to write about. Well this is new but today I got presidential physical fitness after I passed the shuttle run with 9.9. Then I got 63 seconds on flexed arm hang (needed 45), got 46 mm on sit and reach (needed 42), and I got 52 sit ups in one minute (needed 45, I believe). All I know is I surpassed every one. This is the first year I've gotten the award because I could never pass the mile and last year they did the shuttle run when I was at home sick and he never gave me another chance to do it. I don't feel so stupid though because Sarah Bromann only got it twice and she's a senior. She couldn't get the mile either. I think the mile is really stupid and I'm glad I had to option not to do it this year. Job informed me he didn't even have to do it his frosh year, grrrr. So I don't really know what else to write about and I'm sure Sarah wants to go to sleep soon but she's being nice and channel flicking until I get off. Oh yea, really quick... Chris and I aren't fighting anymore. I apologized and then he apologized and we had a little talk during 4th hour when we skipped to set up the for the band concert.

Mandy ~ 11:58 PM

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Watch on Your Wrist

Hmmm. Don't ask me about the title. As I've explained many times I may have a title the thing is they may not always make sense. So I'm extremely bored right now and loving it. After school I "lifted" with Job for about half hour. He lifted but I really didn't because I'm a wuss. I wouldn't do the squat because... ahhh stupid reasons but here goes. For some odd reason all of my joints from my waist down kill especially after exercise. It's probably because I usually only ever work out my lower half in aerobics because we're constantly moving.

The thing is they don't hurt unless say Josh Russle jumps on my back for a piggy back ride and almost snaps me in half because he only weighs about 35 lbs more than me... his 145 to my 110. I pulled a 'hold his weight for about 5 seconds before I realize it's breaking me and then my knees practically collapse and I go all the way down to the floor without falling'. That may just be the reason I can't really bend over anymore. I'm just suprised he didn't seriously hurt me because my ankle is already messed up and I have shin splints. Funny thing that I didn't remember that happening until 5 minutes ago probably because it happened in about 20 seconds. Saturday night I went bowling and we were all goofing off and I jokingly said I could pick Josh up and he's like 'no you couldn't' and then I agreed and about 15 minutes later he jumps on my back. Least to say I was severly confused.

Today Crystal drove us to Spine and Sport and she pumped the Mario Brothers' theme song and it was great. Then after we went there for aerobics she drove us to Burger King with the rest of the class (besides Jen and Jenny who decided to take it upon themselves to go to DQ because they weren't listening when Federle said BK) and we ate there really quick and I bought Kate cini-minis with my left over money and I would've bought her a croissan-wich too but just before I left she hit me up for some money for lunch because she forgot. So then Crystal and I arrived back at the RHS with two minutes to spare. It's so much fun to ride with someone my age because they're all crazy drivers.

The concert went really well last night aside from some 7th grade chica puking in the bleachers but I didn't see it or anything so I was happy with that. Everything else went as planned and I didn't get too nervous but I've come to except my nerves because as Santy says it keeps me on edge. Unlike today after school when I went driving with my dad. I was so relaxed I forgot to adjust my mirrors, and my seat so I was driving with my legs completely extended and I couldn't see anything behind me. I fixed the mirror within 2 minutes of driving but I didn't realize the seat was so far back for at least 10 minutes and then on the hwy going about 55 I adjusted it as well as my blury contact. My dad wasn't too happy with me but I didn't go out of my lane or anything although I should've been more aware as soon as I got in the car. I'm such a dip even though Crystal drove worse than I did. She was going 50 in a school zone but it was ok since we didn't get pulled over although I'd never do that.

I'm dling '8th World Wonder' by Kimberely Locke on Sarah's pc and I hope she won't kill me because it's a really good song because it makes me think of Job. Today in band we were debating on which song we wanted to play for competition. We played through a song called 'The Last Battle' (I have 3rd part) and it was so inapropriately named because it was pure stealth so I decided to call it 'James Bondish'. Then Zunker asked us if we knew the history after we played it and Job said the war of 1812 and Zunker almost had an accident because he was so excited someone knew. Then Job's like uhh! I'm smart. It was so cute. Besides the fact the whole time he was kicking my butt through my chair (playfully) and I stole his shoe twice.

The other song we sight read I had 1st part on and it's called something like 'The Hobbit' or something and it's the 5th movement of a series and it's on loan to us from another band because it's like $150. Some other school in southern WI played that song and the other 4 movements. They started with the first movement and each year they did the next movement so after 5 years (one year for each of the 5 movements) they finished the series and put it all together on a cd and Zunker had the cd and after we played through it once he played the cd and he said 'Personally I think you guys can perform this piece a lot better'. I could hear every mistake they made and although I admit I couldn't play it nowhere near perfect the first time through I know I could easily get it down in a month. I absolutely loved our arrangement done by Holsinger called 'Suite in E Flat'. The three movements were so different but each showcased a different section and quality and they definitely challenged us which definitely wasn't a case with 'The Last Battle' and 'The Hobbit'. I know March Slav is a gorgeous piece and it challenges the hell out of me but Zunker informed us the 6 pages of it was too long.

I'm calling Job back in 90 minutes and I really don't have anything to do until then besides writing in here and I'm sure people would kill me if I wrote another 14 paragraph novel about the trials of my life which basically amounts to/translates to: CRAP. Hehe. Sorry to those who actually read this. Oh, I know what I'm going to do. I'll be right back so I can go find a poem I wrote a little while ago and post it on here. I haven't thought of a title yet but I just want to post it before I forget about it.

Kiss him
Go out on a whim
I think
Don't blink
Stare into his eyes
Take him by suprise

This infatuation
Pure elation
Hand in hand
At his command

Of my impression
One confession
Of my heart...
Only the start
Thinking too much
The want of his touch

Still dealing
With this feeling
Part of me unaware
Of how much he cares

Does he know?
Of what I show
So much I keep
To myself I weep
Soon I'll let him see
All there is of me

It's truely all over the place but I wrote it a few weeks ago. I remember feeling so supressed about my feelings and how there was this barrier for some reason that whenever I just wanted to kiss him I wouldn't let myself. I think it was because I felt our first kiss came too soon so I could regain the standard previous to that by not kissing him again for a while? I'm not quite sure myself but I just wanted to post the poem for my Job. Yes, he's mine and no one is taking him from me ever. I thought (although I didn't want to say anything to him) that when he said he couldn't stand seeing anyone else with their hands on me that it was really possessive but I thought about it and I couldn't stand seeing another girl being affectionate with him either. So I have to go now because Sarah has to do her homework so that gives me an hour to do nothing.

Mandy ~ 7:07 PM

Sunday, March 21, 2004

*rubs face*

I haven't written in 5 days and I feel like I'm being negligant. Well I tried writing about the Chicago trip and that's all the farther I'm going to get I suppose because every time I try to write about it something else comes up and then I don't feel like writing about it anymore. About half hour ago I got done with my most recent self portrait. Basically anything to procrastinate further on a paper that was due Monday. I think it's rather pointless as well.

The paper is to be written on one song of choice from the movie we watched all week while the Shodags were on a cruise. We're supposed to write about how the dance moves from the music fit the music and how the song fits into the movie and the musical aspects of it and personally I think it's retarded (sorry for the word reference) because we have to write a paper after attending the class for a week and yet the Shodags don't because they got to go on a cruise... furthermore it's like a punishment to attend class when it should be the Shodags whom should have to write the reports. I'm just going to write it and get it done with.

This weekend was wonderful. I got to hang out with Job (not as much as I wished I could've but if I did get to then I'd practically be living with him) and I also got to hang out with family and friends. Saturday Job woke me up at quarter after with a call and then I fell back asleep and then I woke up and almost kicked myself because I had to take a shower before 9 so I could get to the school on time and I even went with wet hair and was still late by half hour but it didn't really matter anyway because it didn't start until even after that.

Then we finally started and I was timer girl until the end when I threw the towel at the ref a few times. Everyone who ran the booths got free food and I had pizza although I paid for my powerade (and Job's because I handed the chica a 5 and she automatically thought I was paying for both of us). Then after Job and I walked around and had some alone time, hehe.

So I have to get off because my dad needs to type up some things but I'm going on Sarah's pc to type up my report so I may just finish this later.

Mandy ~ 5:14 PM

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Continued

So more about my trip but first I'll just refresh today. Today was the first day I kissed Job at school and it felt so good. It was like just letting go of restrictions and not caring what other people thought about anything. Then it was the normal day pretty much besides this weird feeling I had that I should've still been in Chicago. The trip went by so fast it kind of feels like it was a dream like it never even happened. Zunker gave us a talk again about how 95% of the trip was wonderful and the other 5% only involved a few students of which I knew involved me. He was talking about the whole couples thing and then he continued to talk about it and that was annoying since he had previously had the talk with all involved and the rest of the band already knew about it so he was basically just rubbing salt in the wound.

I have a few things to do in grammar because I have to take a test tomorrow and since I wasn't there for mondays' notes I'll have to just read the book and hope it covers what I need to know in comprehensible terms. Which means I'm actually going to have to look at the text and pay attention instead of my usual skim because Santy writes notes for us to copy of the most important things. I also have an assignment I dodged that was supposed to be handed in today because it was due yesterday. What I thought was funny was that Santy went over the homework from yesterday today and all of the band students just copied down the answers and we got full credit for it because I asked him prior to correcting it if he wanted us to sit out in the hall.

I wasn't homesick at all although I was sick of the food I could've stayed a few more days. When I got home I was just annoyed at how many people I didn't actually miss. I thought I was going to miss everyone and then I realized that almost everyone I could miss was on the trip with me. Most of all Job. So the last day we went shopping at Gurnee Mills and Job went into DEB with me and he basically watched me try on clothes the whole time and he didn't even mind. Tj and Chris left us because they couldn't do anything and Tj said 'All you're going to do is try on a bunch of clothes and buy nothing, time wasted.' So I went in there with Job, tried on 4 things, 3 pairs of pants and a pair of shorts and the only thing I didn't buy was the pair of shorts because they were too short and big even in the smallest size. Altogether it cost $42; $7 for my favorite pair (YMI), $20 for my other pair of YMI's, and $13 for the black gym pants that are so unbelievably cute.

I'm working my way backwards on the trip because it's easier for some reason. The day before we went to the Field Museum, Navy Pier, and then the Sears Tower. We also went to the Shedd Aquarium and Midevil Times. Much fun although I'm not in the mood to write about that anymore because Chris is bitching at me. Oh yay, only the millionth fight I've had with him. Hey Job I'm just warning you now that there are a couple of guys who think I'm a huge bitch and they just might be right so you should get away from me before I impart my bitchyness unto you. I don't want to fuck up anyone elses life.

Mandy ~ 7:04 PM

Monday, March 15, 2004

C.A.C.- Coalition Against Chaproes

Chaproes is spelt right. Job and I made up that word at the Navy Pier when Kate jumped up our ass for using the word chaps, her supposed word although I've heard that one a million times. For one Kate annoyed me a lot throughout the trip because she kept jumping up my ass for no reason but at the end we did whatever and I'm not sure about it all now. Thank you Job for being there. Had you not been on the trip I may just have well tried to find an exit out of the Sears Tower. For one the chaproes were horrible! All they did all night was make rounds and it was easy for them because there was about 30 of them and they had posts and they make rounds like every 5 seconds and just barge into our rooms whenever they wanted because they all had keys. At one point when we just got there I was getting out of my sweaty undergarments that I wore under my band uniform and the toliet was broken when we got there and Mrs. Milhalko barged in with Mr. Farris and I was standing there in my undies and I was so flustered. It was a complete invasion of privacy. At other points I'd be like (for instance) laying in a bed between Job and Jesse Clark looking at his pictures on his digital camera and of course we weren't doing anything but a chaproe would walk in and just look at us and then walk back out. We figured if they really had a problem with it they'd tell us to separate and we would've. Today (the last day of the trip) before we got on the bus we loaded and then all of the couples or "assumed" couples got bitched out by Zunker. Well I have to go but I'll finish this later.

Mandy ~ 9:30 PM

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

*Eyeslids Wearily Flutter*

Last night was the benefit thing. A few things were skipped due to the time issue but Kayla and I still sang. We're both sick and we got up there and Kayla had to stop a moment to clear her throat but otherwise it went pretty well. There were at least a couple hundred people there and they ended up raising $1500. If all of that money came from ticket sales that means 500 people attended and that means Kayla and I sang for 500 people acapella but I'm sure not all of that came from ticket sales. That's insane because I barely got nervous. I just walked out there and did it. Then again today in my 4th hour Kayla and I sang for my grammar class and Santy loved it and so did the class. I got so nervous because we were so close to them and my face turned beat red I'm sure but it went very well. It was much easier to fill a classroom than an auditorium from a big intimidating stage.

So I've been thinking and I've realized I haven't been getting really excited about this Chicago trip that I'm leaving for on Saturday morning in 2 days and a few hours. I think when I'm finally boarding the bus I'll get excited. The funny thing was my horoscope said I'm jealous of everyone's excitement and by the time I get excited about an event it'll be perfect timing because by then everyone else will be worn out of their excitement. I hope that's how it is because I really want to enjoy my trip. I'll be with all of my friends and Job :D. He makes me so unbelievably happy. I'm sorry for all of those who are sick of hearing about it but this blog is all about me and how I feel and Job has been a huge factor in that.

Now for my daily rant of Job, hehe. Today after school we had marching practice and he made me take a hanf warmer because it was really cold outside and I tried to refuse it but he made me take it so I just gave in. About halfway through I was freezing (well at least my hands were from playing) and I took it out and used it and he saw and smiled at me. Then after practice he said he told me so and my mom came to pick Kate and me up and I just completely ignored her. I feel horrible for doing that and making them wait and yet I don't because I just want to be with Job and then nothing else seems to matter. Yet everything else matters but it's just that my priorities have changed since I've been going out with him.

Kayla and I were actually talking about that the other day and how we both put our bfs first although we shouldn't. Jake has been causing a lot of stress in the Kayla dome as of recently too. It's like he needs his space and then when he sees her he just grabs her and I'm sure it's confusing Kayla to death but Jake just gets in these moods and takes it out on her. I have a feeling that's how it's going to be with Job and me. At first I'm the one who's not in it completely and Job's always the one who wants to do something and in a couple of months I'll be hooked and want to be the one who does everything and Job will lose interest. No matter how much he may try to convince me now that isn't going to happen I can't help but think of possible scenarios although all it does is lead me to jump to conclusions. *picks up the pole of thoughts, runs down the track of time, jumps the obstacle, and falls into the padding of assumptions* Hmmm, that was fun.

Well... Beka said Job would be home around 8:30 so I have another 15 minutes to wait. I have grammar homework and I have to remember that tomorrow I'm singing our duet for Santy's first hour class. I wonder what class he has first hour. I'm hoping it's a younger class because then they'll be easier to sing to. Well I'm going to go because Kate's giving me a pic from her eighth grde picnic with Job in it, this should be good.

Mandy ~ 8:17 PM

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

*glances from side to side* Why Am I Writing?

*shrugs* I felt it would take some of the pressure off because all I seem to be doing at the moment is thinking about how many people are going to be at Improvapoloosa tonight. That wouldn't bother me so much if it weren't for Kayla and myself performing our 7 page duet acapella. SO... need not to make me more afraid than I already am.

*tries to make herself think of a distracting topic* Job. Uhhh. Errr. So today in aerobics I've noticed when we do yoga the girl says not to let your mind wander and as soon as I hear 'mind wander' guess what I do... think about Job. I make up little fantasies... *glances to the side, avoiding any eye contact as though I'm speaking to the person who reads this* I don't know if it's even appropriate to write about them in here. Oh what the hell, here is your warning.

*PARTIAL SEXUAL CONTENT IN THE NEXT PARAGRAPH*
Ok so we're supposed to lay on our backs at the end of a yoga video and sleep for the remanding 15 minutes of class. I can never fall asleep but I just close my eyes and think. Well for some reason when I hear a low whispering voice telling me to pay explicit attention to my breathing I automatically think of how I have to practially calm myself down when I lay with Job. So then I imagine him coming over to me and laying on top of me and well I'll leave the rest to your imagination but since I have 15 minutes to think about this... ok that's enough for the public eye.

Back to being a good girl now. A good girl who doesn't think of sexually explicit thoughts (you can tell explicit is my word for today). Wow, writing about that severly calmed me down so I should keep it up so I don't have a moment again to realize all of the pressure to do good tonight. Shit. I was annoyed because Kate got to stay home from school today because she wasn't feeling good and I haven't been feeling good for the past week. I've been getting a cold or something and I constantly have a stuffed up/runny nose, am exhausted from lack of sleep due to staying up blowing my nose, and have a sore and swollen throat. I just hope I get better by Friday because then I have my trip and I don't care nearly as much about being well tonight as I do about this upcoming weekend because I've been waiting for this for some time.

Today during 3rd lunch Kayla had a headache so I turned off the light in the storage room and then Chris came in and Kayla and I started "raping" him which basically consisted of pushing and pulling him around the storage room. Then Ben Murphy came in with his lunch and I opened the door slightly so he had some light to eat. Then I made up a theme song for Chris. I decided Chris was a rather funny guy like strongbad so I was like hmmm, Chrisbad? So then I made up this theme song and started singing 'Chrisbad, he had the crane of doom, which was the crane of death but it was really the crane of doom and because it was and he was Chrisbad! and then the crane of death rather the crane of doom died but it was the crane of death because it was the crane of doom because it was Chrisbad!' It was so funny. Well I'm going now because my dad's throwing a fucking tissy.

Mandy ~ 4:46 PM

Sunday, March 07, 2004

Insane Night

Today started out slow but ended so great even though I wasn't with Job :(. Around 12 I called Job and made plans to be dropped off at his house 2 hours before the pep band. I had to clean my room, do the laundry, and the dishes to be able to go an hour earlier. My dad thought it was so funny that I was so willing to do all that stuff just for an extra hour. So my dad dropped me off and it was funny because he couldn't even get up the hill so he stopped at the bottom, no biggie. Then almost immediately Job and I got into our swim suits and got into the hot tub and he put in American Wedding and we watched that. It was perverted but funny.

Halfway through the movie Job suggested we sit next to each other so I moved over by him and he put his arm around me and it was just us and our raiseny hands. We got so pruney from being in there so long (not to mention my hair got soaking wet). I like being wet because it just feels so natural especially with the whole growing up on water my entire life. When I didn't live on a lake we had a pool in the back yard. Then his mom walked downstairs while we were all close and wrapped around each other although we didn't even kiss the whole time I was at his house. I'm sure she thought we were making out and doing stuff although we weren't.

Then his mom drove us to pep band and we were late and whenever someone would ask why I'd say 'Job and I were in his hot tub and we forgot about the time'. So then we unpacked our instruments and went up into the bleachers with the band and since we weren't able to leave Job just sat with me during the quarters. Since it was so loud we were "forced" to whisper in each others ears and be so couply. I love being so close to him. Being able to flirt so much and not care what others think. Just being able to be with him and be myself. Not worry that he may think I'm a band geek because he's one too. He's so unbelievably amazing. He cares about me so much and I about him and sometimes I don't think he really feels as though I don't because sometimes I don't show it. I've developed a somewhat hermit side from being hurt so many times by past guys and that alone might lead him to believe I don't like him as much as I do. I just get so attached and it scares me because then I become dependant and the guy then sees his oppurtunity to fuck with me.

I'm not saying it's only guys either because I know girls play mind games too. Hell when I was younger and retarded I played mind games with a certain guy *cough* Treder *cough* who was obsessed with me just because I knew I could. I look back on it and get so mad at myself for leading him on. I went out with him and then after I still flirted with him and I never said anything about still wanting him but it was just nice to know he liked me so much. It's way too much of a power trip but now I just leave boys alone for the most part or at least I try to.

Before Job I convinced myself I was going to stay single for a long time and that only lasted two months. My dad has thoroughly convinced me that every guy I go out with I'm going to hurt and just the way he treats my mom alone is enough to scare me into a nunnery even when I'm AgNoStIc! How messed up is that?! It's crazy though because lately he seems to have been getting nicer although he still makes nasty comments to my mom about her weight. I love her so much and she can't help that she's too sick to even go on her treadmill or even eat. Today she chewed on ice for lunch because almost everything she eats aggravates her stomach so bad and she gets so sick.

So I'm going to go off on a tangent here just for a second because I hit a topic I'd just love to talk about. Tonight I had one of the best nights/day ever because I hung out with my bandies. I'm going to post some of our convo... oh I'm the one with the name 'Tonight Was Insane!'

Tonight Was Insane! says:
we're such goofballs
Don't tell me that you're all better, I don't care if you are. Don't tell me that you're trendsetters, I don't care if you are. says:
lol we are
Tonight Was Insane! says:
who am i still going to remember when i'm grown and have my own family and a completely different life? my bandies, and who will i always have nostalgia and only the best memories of, my bandies, and who have my toughest times have pulled me through, my bandies
Don't tell me that you're all better, I don't care if you are. Don't tell me that you're trendsetters, I don't care if you are. says:
lol no lie
Tonight Was Insane! says:
*tears up* idk what i'm going to do without you guys
Don't tell me that you're all better, I don't care if you are. Don't tell me that you're trendsetters, I don't care if you are. says:
lol, we'll make you feel better when you're sad and lonley, cause you'll think of us and how much fun we had, and then you'll think about how many fun times are too come, and you'll feel better
Tonight Was Insane! says:
i'm serious, when i'm a senior i'm going to ask to give a speech because you can at graduation and i'm going to get up there and say 'however cliche this may sound highschool was a hard experience and i can't exactly say i have a whole lot to show outside of a few things because i was never the best student. no matter how many band geek jokes there may be remember it's those who aren't in band
Tonight Was Insane! says:
who make them up. there was a teacher who once told me he knew the band kids were above everyone else just because he had this awesome bonding through the music we played. i'll always remember him and all of my bandies who've stood by me through everything'
Tonight Was Insane! says:
something like that
Tonight Was Insane! says:
because there's no way i can leave rhs without acknowledging my love for band and everyone in it
Don't tell me that you're all better, I don't care if you are. Don't tell me that you're trendsetters, I don't care if you are. says:
yea, that well be awesome

*sigh* Back to my night... After pep band a whole bunch of bandies got together to go bowling. Katie Barbian, Anthony Hook, Emily, Anthony Padget, Kate, Mike, Ben Murphy, and Andy Polzin (Job couldn't come because he couldn't get a hold of his mom to ask permission so his mom's friend took him home). We all went to the bowling alley and all of the lanes were booked so we loitered around outside in the cold snowing night until we went inside because I found out it was only Ben and Jason bowling and we had 8 ppl at that time (-anthony p) and we were going to wait half hour and if the people for lane 5 didn't show in half hour one of the guys who worked there said we could have their lane. Then we waited around for about 10 minutes and got bored and decided we wanted to do something then and not wait. We were all trying to decide on a movie but Emily and I had seen both movie picks already so that was pretty much out of the question besides not everyone wanting to go to the movies.

Instead I suggested we go somewhere to eat because I was starving and I said I wanted pizza so we decided on Pizza Hut. Kate and I jumped in Katie's caravan, Mike went with Will in his truck, Emily drove Anthony, and Andy and Ben brought themselves. Anthony Padget also brought this frosh whose name is elizabeth, I believe and I invited Ariel since I haven't seen her a lot. Then some other guy came who knew Ariel and we all got a table and joked around with the employees there and had so much fun in this huge group with Pizza Hut all to ourselves because it was like 10:30. We all ordered and sat around, played games, talked, and joked around. It was one of those moments I know I'll look back on and cry about how good it all was. Being able to be happy even when I wasn't with my bf and missing him was tolerable because I know I'd see him soon because... it was all too good, too good to go wrong.

Too good to go wrong
I finally belong
Found my niche
Only one glitch
One day it'll be gone
Of this thought which dawns...
Upon me when I'm alone to think
It'll pass in a blink
because it is so good
They'll leave as they came
With no one to blame
After that life
More suffering and strife
Then when I'm old
The memories will fold
Like old notes
Where you can't tell what was wrote
Upon them like...
The memories in my head
Sad to say one day they too will be dead

Woah. That just came out of the morbid part of my brain which takes about about 90% of my brain, JK. Although sometimes I do seem rather morbid. I always feel as though in the finality of it it wouldn't be final if it didn't end in sadness and pain like death should be. Well that's the way it is for me. I know I'm not going to celebrate anytime soon when any of my loved ones die. Well I'm going to finish up the rest of my night because I'm getting rather cooky.

After that we paid and vacated to go home. Kate, Mike, and me all got a ride with Ben Murphy because he lives 1.5 miles away from us. So he started driving and he knew where our house was but he passed it and I even warned him as he was coming up to the driveway. So then he's like 'can we drive around a bit? I don't feel like going home just yet'. So of course I didn't object because it was just nice to sit back in the passengers seat and enjoy a nice ride and the freedom away from my parents. Of course Kate and Mike didn't object either because they had the back seat to themselves to visit before Mike leaves for his cruise tomorrow. So Ben and I talked while Kate and Mike made sure their last moments would last them a whole week without each other.

Ben and I covered a lot of topics. We talked about Jameson, our exes (mostly just Ben's) and other various things friends talk about. We drove to Eagle River before we actually noticed. Actually it was the town in between Eagle River and Rhinelander but it's such a small town I can't remember. So it was around quarter after 11 when we finally realized Mike had to be home at 11:30 and Ben turned around and headed back, dropped Mike off just in time and then took Kate and me home. Ben's such a nice kid and I think people really snub him off more than they should. I still wished Job could've come along. Oh well I had a friends night.

Besides yesterday I saw Starsky and Hutch with Job, his mom, and brother and holy wow. I'll finish this later because it's 2:30 am and I'm on my 14th paragraph. Since 13 is my lucky number I'm stopping now. I'll explain that last comment tomorrow.

Mandy ~ 2:37 AM

Friday, March 05, 2004

Feeling Better

Last night I was having some major internal conflicts and after some thought I feel better. I've realized that no matter who you are, or what you do you will hurt people. In that same thought it also goes for helping people as well. I think what matters is that you don't try to hurt people but that you only try to do what's best for everyone and since I've been trying to do that for as long as I can remember I'm good. I think tetris enlightened me, lol. I made it to lvl 18 in tetris at ebaumsworld.

So I just found out something pretty shocking all of the damage done to our rental house in Pelican (the one I spent over a month-every weekend cleaning up and helping to repair) cost over $4 grand to do so. Today my parents are going to court because the renters didn't pay for the repairs in the damage costs. They even broke priceless antique tables that were in the house and stole things from the barn. Among them were paintings done by my great grandma who's been dead since I was 6. That makes me really mad to know that they'd be so careless and selfish. I just hope the next renters are better.

Onto better topics... Today I want to do something with Job so badly but I don't know if I can because my parents are going to court and the weather isn't all too good. I'll definitely have to clean more and kiss up because my parents aren't too happy with me. I went to sleep at 1 and woke up at 9 and I haven't done a thing besides a little cleaning since. Well I don't know what else there is to write about so I'm off.

Mandy ~ 1:48 PM

Concert

Uhhh. Well tonight I had my chorus concert and everything went well except one part. During one of the treble choir songs (Spanish Ballads) Mrs. P played a wrong note or something which lead to complete dischord (I know it's spelt wrong, it's a pun) and basically what happened was we all picked a random note and came in at different times and then we pulled it back together after a couple of measures. At least she apologized after the song even though it may well have been the treble choirs fault. I wouldn't know. I remember coming in on my note but I was looking up at Job and I started laughing.

I love the way he makes me feel even after I've felt so unbelievably horrible. Even after the performance he made this squeaking noise in reference to treble choir and although I was kind of offended (I can't believe it happened) I thought it was funny. I always get so nervous when I do such big concerts. I was less nervous doing my solo. I think it's because I've reached the point where I can depend on my voice and for big groups I'm not sure of the vocal quality. Especially since some girls in treble choir are tone deaf (at least a handful) although it's supposed to be a try-out group.

Now I'm sure Job thinks I'm mad at him because he started speaking in german and I stopped talking to him and then I told him it was one of my biggest pet peeves when people talk in another language just because they know I don't understand it. I feel bad because I don't want to throw my hurt feelings on him by letting him know how many people pick on me. It's crazy how much I like him. It scares me in a way because I don't want to hurt either of us. I'm fated to be in pain and to pain others. Anyone in my life... get away and I say that out of my love for you because all I can do is hurt you.

Mandy ~ 12:31 AM

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

It's a Tit Bit Nipply Outside

Today after school we went marching for like an hour and it was lightly snowing and very cold. Some news station taped us and after I came home from school I saw the pictures in the paper from s and e members going to state and I think I look funny although Job didn't think so. I'm warning all who read this now that I'll be jumping from topic to topic rather frivilously because I'm too lazy at the moment to properly paragraph this blogger. I'm suprised that I got enough energy to write in here at all. Next two second subject... today during 3rd lunch Kate, Chris, Ben, and Nicole came in and ate with Kayla and me, as usual except for the little fight that happened. Kevin pushed Chris playfully so Chris pushed him back and then Kevin shoved Chris unplayfully and Chris did the same in defense. Then Kevin grabbed Chris's neck and Chris just took Kevin and threw him up against the wall. Kevin had no chance of winning the fight. I walked out of there before I got killed in the midst of it all but I say Kate and Kayla try interveining to stop them. I don't know what what Kevin's problem either because he just went after Chris and all Chris did was defend himself.

For some reason whenever I see guys fight like that it gets me all excited like who's going to win and what not. I knew Chris would dominate because he beats the crap out of Dan when they fight. My mom and brother just got pizza and I'm really hungry and I want to eat but I'm talking to Job and writing in here so it'll have to wait a least a few minutes. I didn't really do anything much of anything else today either. I have my chorus concert tomorrow night. I also signed up for something next week Tuesday night. Some benefit or something but for Kayla and me to sing at it (our duet). Mmm, that's about it. I'm out.

Mandy ~ 6:16 PM

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

Wondering About the World

Why is it that when I've finally decided that I hate guys and I'll never date again that the sweetest one happens along my path and lures me? A few months ago I was dead set that I hated guys and yet here I am again going out with another guy. I just thought it was funny because I was talking to Heather today and she told me about how she hates boys and it reminded me of me about two months ago after I'd dumped Zach Farris. Just that I could so easily be swayed after two months... but I think it's for the better. Today I wrote Job a poem and I'll try to re-write it from memory.

Thinking of Him

Hiding
in his jacket
Confiding
in him my fears
Even in my tears
Tossing my hair
with downcast eyes
Knowing when he's there
My feelings aren't disguised
Hearing his heart
Feeling its beat
and when we part
Later we'll meet
another time and place
Held in his embrace

Ok, I just ran upstairs and got my notebook which the rough draft of the poem was in and used that instead of relying on my memory. I re-wrote it all neat without mistakes and gave it to him before 4th hour. He told me he liked it and he also wrote about it and a problem I'm having. I've never kissed a bf in public before and it's all like people everywhere and some are watching you. It's weird but I really just want to kiss Job and if I only wait to when we're alone that would only happen like once a week. Considering we've only gone out just over two weeks I think it's funny that we've already kissed. In all of my past relationships it's taken a least a month for me to get up the courage to kiss my bf. It gets easier every time around? So now I'm going to go call Job because Sarah's only giving me enough time finish this up. Night all.

Mandy ~ 8:09 PM

Monday, March 01, 2004

Falling Again, What? Down the Steps?

Haha, I actually meant I'm falling for Job but I thought that'd be a funny title. So Job's written me 3 poems and they're all so sweet. If anyone wants to read them they're all posted in his blogger and the link is on my site. This pc has been on so long it has a 2 second delay when i constantly type. Today was the normal day with the exception of a weird mood swing.

I had gym and I did this hard ballet tape and I was all happy and enegetic after and went to Treble Choir and I was all bubbly. Then I had lunch and as I walked into the storage room I freaked out. I was just overcome with rage and Kayla told me about how Jake was acting all weird and then I started punching a storage room closest until Kayla looked like she was going to cry. *sigh* Then I grabbed Job's coat and put it on and walked out onto the stage and Anthony pumped music and Brian sang me a song.

I just got done talking to Josh, Job's brother on msn. He signed in on Job's account and I knew it was him right away because Job had gone to take a shower. He started talking french and spelt 'parle' wrong (spelled it parl) when he was asking me if I knew french in the language. We didn't really carry on much of a convo outside of him messing with me. Job you should really look into changing your password or something so Josh can't sign into your msn.

I still have yet to do my homework and take a shower so I'm off.

Mandy ~ 10:40 PM