~The Music of My Life~

Friday, April 30, 2004

Forgot

Since gym I've been forgetting way too much. I even forgot if I've written about this topic before. Tuesday was the Oral Interp skit at the assembly and I forgot to write about that because Chris got me all upset. So Tuesday morning we had an assembly and my oral interp class put on a skit that we made ourselves and did everything. It was called 'Mr. Pretty Pageant' and we basically did a twisted beauty pageant with all male contestants imitating male teachers. *sigh* Well I completely forgot about this but I have to get a shower because tomorrow I have state solo ensomble.

Mandy ~ 10:25 PM

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Explaination

Yesterday I wrote all that and copied almost the whole convo with Chris and I forgot to explain what the poem meant. I actually came up with it a few days ago so I'll repost it and explain it.

I bend and break
To feel the ache
The agony
Inside of me
Waiting to die
Feelings that I...
Can't hide
Can't decide
This pain again
It always wins

I bend and break~ means I bend backwords for Chris to make him happy. Before I started going out with Job whenever Chris was in his mood I'd just completely shower him with attention and let him know how much I cared.
Waiting to die and this pain again~ refers to all of the fights we have and how much he can hurt me
Can't hide, can't decide~ Chris is everywhere I go because we have all of the same friends and I can't decide whether or not to stop the destructive friendship we have and that also leads into the 'this pain again, it always wins' that I always give in and let our friendship still stand. Just thought I'd post that so everyone understands what that was about. I had a lot more last night when I was talking to Heather. Gonna go eat.

Mandy ~ 5:59 PM

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Quite Destructive

So I just had a good cry but in no part was it actually good but I'm sure everyone understand s from the phrase. I just got done talking to Chris and he did the best job of making me feel like shit, I give you 4.5 gold stars (if no one knows that's in reference to School of Rock) which is partially why I find what he wrote in his blog on the 24th semi-ironic.

i love everyone, im sorry if i've ever disrespected anyone...please forgive me

Then again that was three days ago and we all know how highschool "promises" can be so tempramental. You know what. I know copying part of Chris and my convo will annoy him, maybe just provoke him to... who knows what.

~Mandy~ says:
so tell me what exactly did i say to make you say what you did
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
what? fuck off?

~Mandy~ says:
idk why you keep taking your frustrations out on me
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
im not sure anymore, you said something

~Mandy~ says:
*sigh* idk, yesterday i had a plan to ignore you because you seem very mad at me and i have no idea what i've done, so i'd just cut myself out of it all together to avoid being hated
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
oh, ok, well you can plan to ignore me all you want, i dun care anymore
~Mandy~ says:
i know you don't
~Mandy~ says:
which is why it doesn't matter if i'm nice to you or not
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
your right it doesnt
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
go ahead piss me off, cant be any worse than you've done to me b4
~Mandy~ says:
you're treating me like shit so i figure if i just stop being nice to you, stop being anything to you then you'll just leave me alone because you really know how to make me feel bad
~Mandy~ says:
idk what's going on, why you're mad at kt
~Mandy~ says:
but it's none of my business and i'm guessing by the way you're treating me you haven't solved the conflict with kt
~Mandy~ says:
although i know you want to so in the meantime you'll just take out all of your frustration on me
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
would it matter if i did?
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
haha, i dont give you half this shit i should or could
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
the*
~Mandy~ says:
ok then chris, give me all the shit i deserve
~Mandy~ says:
really, let me have it
~Mandy~ says:
i deserve it
~Mandy~ says:
i must
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
naw, that wouldnt be fun
~Mandy~ says:
from the way you're treating me i must deserve to burn in hell, oh wait, you forgot i don't believe in hell, ok then, that'd be too easy, lets just torture me, sounds fun to me, hurting others for fun, go for it, use me, abuse me, call me names, and treat me like shit all at the expense of you having a little fun
~Mandy~ says:
come on chris, we all know the world's goal is for you to have fun
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
hahaha, it sure as hell is
~Mandy~ says:
ok then use it to your full advantage, come on, i'm waiting, have your fun, fuck with me, make me feel like shit, i'm giving you the satisfaction of knowing it hurts when you do
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
yeah, and i almost believe that
~Mandy~ says:
and of course as any warmblooded person should know that anyone calling anyone else any degrading name hurts them
~Mandy~ says:
but of course if they don't then they must be other than that
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
but of course, so what does that make me?
~Mandy~ says:
yes? or am i wrong, come on chris, make me feel like shit, i'm letting you, i haven't blocked you

~Mandy~ says:
i really don't know what i've done to you, at least give me that, let me know that much
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
you havent, you brought this whole thing on yourself and im just playing along
~Mandy~ says:
you're such a great christian, there are so many passages in the bible that go against the way you're treating me now
~Mandy~ says:
ok, then if i brought this whole thing on myself why'd you say 'fuck you' earlier?
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
because, you thought it was fun to mock me
~Mandy~ says:
?
~Mandy~ says:
how did i mock you?
~Mandy~ says:
please, i'd love to hear this

You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
i asked you for advice, you said i only ever talked to you when i wanted advice, i said you dont talk to me period, you said ok, and stopped talking

~Mandy~ says:
so...
~Mandy~ says:
how was i mocking you, i'm still not sure, i'm pretty dumb so you'll have to blatently point it out for me
~Mandy~ says:
never in any of that did i mean to mock you and i'm sorry if you took it that way, i'm sorry you hate me, i'm sorry for whatever i've done to you
~Mandy~ says:
is that good enough?
~Mandy~ says:
no
~Mandy~ says:
of course not
~Mandy~ says:
it never is
~Mandy~ says:
nothing i ever do is, right?
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
now i didnt say that
~Mandy~ says:
I bend and break, to feel the ache, the agony, inside of me, waiting to die, the feelings I..., can't hide, can't decide, this pain again, it always wins... i made that up, how do you like it, is it satisfying really, is it, my tears... the ones i'm crying right now, do those make you happy, because seriously if they do then i'll let you know i'm crying quite a bit
~Mandy~ says:
anything? because you seemed pretty happy earlier, doesn't making me cry make you feel better about yourself? that's how it sounded
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
oh yea, always? i love how you assume things
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
hahaha, nevermind that you pretty much brought this whole thing on yourself...but its still my fault, thats cool
~Mandy~ says:
ok
~Mandy~ says:
treating me like crap is all my fault
~Mandy~ says:
ok, got it, now that i know can i stop making you treat me like crap so i stop crying?
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
haha, im not treating you like crap, im just agreeing/playing along with everything you say
~Mandy~ says:
ok, i jumped into your head and told you what to say to me
~Mandy~ says:
and how you've been treating me, ignoring me whenever i try to talk to you and then one day you just decide to say somethin
~Mandy~ says:
something, what am i supposed to think, react?
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
i havent been ignoring you when you talk to me, you havent been talking to me
~Mandy~ says:
i've been trying
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
and the one day when I talk to YOU then this happens, hahaha
~Mandy~ says:
so many times i've asked what's wrong
~Mandy~ says:
and you just go whatever
~Mandy~ says:
every day
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
like you dont fucking know, you already mentioned it once
~Mandy~ says:
idk if you've just started blocking me out
~Mandy~ says:
yea, that's because kt told me today that you were mad at her
~Mandy~ says:
and that's all i know
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
what!? she said i was mad at her? did she she was mad at me?
~Mandy~ says:
no, she didn't say she was mad at you, she seemed upset to know you were mad at her though
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
what a crock of shit
~Mandy~ says:
that's exactly what she told me and how she acted
~Mandy~ says:
idk if she was lying or acting
~Mandy~ says:
that's exactly what i heard and if you don't believe me kayla was right there, ask her
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
haha, maybe that because i accidentally passed out last night while she was still talking to me
~Mandy~ says:
ok, idk because i shouldn't even be apart of this
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
yeah, ok
I Bend & Break, 2 Feel the Ache, of Agony, Inside of Me, Waiting 2 Die, the Feelings that I... Can't Hide, Can't Decide says:
so now you can go, have you had your fun?
You can't feel my torment...driving me insane... says:
yeah, i think so

Have fun reading that. I'm going now to take a shower.

Mandy ~ 11:16 PM

Sunday, April 25, 2004

Nostalgia Isn't the Word for IT

Here's what my horoscope said for today... well actually yesterday seen as it's quarter past 3 am.

You should expect to be feeling a bit nostalgic -- that way, when those tears start stinging the back of your eyes, you won't be surprised. Before you get depressed, consider someone's offer to introduce you around. What a great distraction!

That was so amazingly on too. I'll start from the beginning. I woke up and remembered part of a dream (just another stupid one of me cheating on Job although it's NEVER going to happen). Then Job called a bit later (around 3 or so) and we talked on the phone for a while and made plans for the movies. Then I met up with Job, Brandon, Brenda, Heather, and Brenda's bf around 6:30. We saw Ella Enchanted and it was good but not as good as the movie I saw with Emily the previous night and I wished I could've spent more time hanging out with her too. We didn't really get to talk as much as I wanted to. We skimmed a few topics and others here and there and then of course the main event was watching the movie (13 Going on 30) which was really good and I especially loved the message it sent. Thanks Emily.

So then after the movie today all of us were hanging out in the main lobby or whatever you'd call it and we were messing around with the advertisements and Brenda and her bf had cameras and were taking pictures of us doing weird things and Brenda got quite a few of me in unexpected circumstances like me having my back to her and then her jumping around and snapping one in my face.

Then after all that fun and my paranoia at how bad those pics of me are going to be I got home. I proceeded in talking, and singing with Kate and Mike and then eating, watching Good Will Hunting with mom, Kate, and Mike and now am here playing on the pc. I got bored and decided to go through my old blogs and look at the entries and copy my poems from them into the poetry part of www.Kiwibox.com which is a really good girly site where I play games and kick back as a girl. Around late September or early November I started seeing copies of very long convos and I read one that made me cry repeated times... one of the first convos I had with Zach Farris. I remember being so estatic and just wanting to be in love and not really any of the right reasons after just ending a bad fling to start another.

This is one of the things I wanted to talk to Job about but after talking to a bunch of girl friends and finding out the same thing happens to them I was somewhat discouraged from telling him. Besides the fact that I never got to sit down with him and have some quality one on one time to be able to tell him.

Now I'm talking to Jeff and sending him pics of whatever and actually I've been talking to him for at least about 6 hours now seen as it's 5 am. Well I'm going to get going because technically I should be sleeping, too bad I'm an insomniac.

Mandy ~ 5:02 AM

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Impartial to Me

I've noticed there are a lot of unfinished and skimpy thoughts as of recently. Since gym I haven't been able to think as well and my thought process has completely left me. I know why too, excercising increases brain activity because it increases blood flow to the brain and it's proven that you learn and memorize and remember things much easier if you excercise regularly. Since gym I've been wanting to work out but I can't seem to find the time and last night I was going to blow dry my hair after my shower but Sarah popped in there and I did some sit ups and I actually did 61 crunches in a minute. I was looking at the clock over the back of the couch and laying off the side with my legs at a 90 degree angle over the back of the couch and then going up to me knees. I could feel the burn, hehe.

So I'm talking to Chris right now and a subject that has come up before (as in a convo with Emily) has come up with him.

~Mandy~ says:
well maybe i'll just make a new blogger and keep it all to myself
~Mandy~ says:
not like anyone would know anyway
Can you take it all away...this pain you gave to me... says:
lol, what would be the point of that? just to come on here and say hey! i wrote in my blogger but you cant read it
~Mandy~ says:
yup
~Mandy~ says:
you know how much i have to edit it? and when sometimes i have such strong feelings and i can't write about them because people would complain
~Mandy~ says:
i hate having to edit my own feelings
~Mandy~ says:
you know what i'm talking about or no?
Can you take it all away...this pain you gave to me... says:
hah, do i know what your talking about...of course!
~Mandy~ says:
ok... then writing in a blogger of which no one had would be my true feelings, what i write now is like a watered down and summerized version of everything i feel
~Mandy~ says:
every time i write in my blogger i go through my head and remember everyone who has access to it and then i say to every statement, would this offend them? and sometimes i use it against them like if i'm mad at them i may purposely post something to triggure it which is mean but when you're mad at someone you want to get revenge no matter who you are
Can you take it all away...this pain you gave to me... says:
ya...
~Mandy~ says:
and i don't like doing that
Can you take it all away...this pain you gave to me... says:
lol, but when your mad at someone it feels oh so good
~Mandy~ says:
yes but then i think about how later they'll read it and be hurt or even more angry... and i know i'd feel just as good if i just wrote it down somewhere and no one could see it but me
Can you take it all away...this pain you gave to me... says:
lol, ok, then me and you obviously dont see eye to eye on that
~Mandy~ says:
talk to me
~Mandy~ says:
you like them knowing what you think
Can you take it all away...this pain you gave to me... says:
yeah, thats what i always thought the point of a blog was
~Mandy~ says:
yea... which is one of the reasons i don't do what i just suggested

Sometimes I wish I could have this one place that no one knew about so I could just go there to be alone. I never get to be alone, ever and I don't even have my own room. In this house I feel like nothing I own is truely mine and mostly because of the privacy issue and that I've never bought anything with my own money because I don't really have my own money because I've never had a job. I even feel as though my bank account shouldn't be mine because my parents started it and since I've put birthday money in there every year. I think if I really want to find my own identity or something that's just mine I should get a job. Well I guess there's another reason I'm getting kicked off, to more impartial blogs! Ben's home.

Mandy ~ 7:39 PM

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

And Baby Bear is a Big Fan of Michael Jackson...

That line is from Phil Gritzmacher's version of the three little bears that he told to the class. To release any inhibitions we all told our own version of the three little bears on the spot and it was fun and very funny. Just want to interject my horoscope...

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, April 21:

Over the past few days, you probably haven't enjoyed much time alone. The good
news is that if you're seeing someone, that won't change yet. If you're single,
take a time-out and rest up for the weekend.

All I have to say is 'you had better believe my taken status isn't going to change', hehe. Today before 4th hour ended he must've stuck at least 10 pieces of double bubble in his mouth to get rid of it and he met up with me with this huge wad in his cheek that made him look like he was chewing tobacco. Finally I told him I was never going to kiss him again and he threw it away. I know it was mean but it was really disgusting me because it just reminded me of my uncle and his nasty tobacco habits *cringes* Well if I can think of something to write later about I'll continue this but until next time...

*Later*

I just read Jasmine and Emily's recent blogger posts and I just need to address them because they're important to me no matter how they may think. Emily I'm sorry that I'm so busy with everything else but it's not like you're calling me to do things... I always felt like you never thought we were friends and it's been on my back for some time. I always thought you never really liked me or knew me as well seen as Kaitlin was your friend first and then you kind of "inherited" me because we're sisters. I've always felt that way with all of Kaitlin's friends and I know it's a horrible thing to say but I can't help the way I feel and not telling anyone is just lying to myself and everyone else. Well I'm going to go get some food, take a shower, and do my homework.

Mandy ~ 5:31 PM

Monday, April 19, 2004

Some of My Own

Tonight was my band concert and it went rather well except for a few squeaks in all departments but that always happens and omg some heads were just about to roll. Wind Ensemble was allowed to sit in the auditorium while symphonic was playing and Job and I sat in front of Will Dolenchek, Jared Kropedlowski, Jeff Becker, and Tim Dean and they were fucking asses. They kept making noises and acting like they were doing sexual stuff, unzippering their pants and everything. Jared even reached forward and stroked my face with something and Tim said I saw his balls or something. Then Jeff and Will were flicking Job's ears and I was getting so mad my eye started twitching. Not just that but while they did it they disrespected symphonic band, and now the tape will have (undoubtedly) their voices on it talking about perverted things.

After Katie, Kate, Mike, Will, Ben, Chris, and a bunch of other bandies all met up at DQ and ate. We all goofed off and had fun like I normally do when I'm with my bandies. I love you guys and I really hope we'll still be friends and get together after band and RHS is done. Well I'm getting yelled at to take my shower by Sarah so I'm off. Oh and Job, nice job on your solo and my mommio took a picture of you when you did it.

Mandy ~ 10:09 PM

Saturday, April 17, 2004

Dream Interp.

So I had a weird dream last night and I haven't written my last 6 so I decided I've been being lazy on interpreting my unconscious and I should be lucky that I have the chance to since I remember the dreams so well or at least most of them. So Kate and I were looking for an alligator in our bedroom (although it wasn't our bedroom but it was?) and we could never find it but I remember seeing part of its back. Then I told myself 'I know where the panther must be, downstairs' and although Kate and I were looking for an alligator it suddenly turned into being a panther? So then I turned on the light, walked down the stairs slowing and opened the curtain and this huge black panther jumped out at me. He proceeded in telling me that he didn't like light and he talked in a very friendly manner and with a british accent. We walked upstairs and everyone ran away because they were afraid of the panther.
Here are the interpretations from dream dictionary.

Alligator-To see an alligator in your dream, signifies treachery, deceit, and hidden instincts. It may be a signal for you to take a new perspective on a situation. Alternatively, the alligator represents healing powers and qualities.

According to biblical interpretations, an alligator suggests that leviathan is king over the children of pride. (Psa 74:14, Job 41:1,Isa 27:1)

I thought it was kind of funny that it mentioned Job 41:1... Job. Now I'm unconsciously thinking about him too and through interpretations of something I don't even believe in, the bible.

Panther-To see a panther in your dream, signifies lurking danger and enemies working to do you harm. It represents darkness, death, and rebirth. On a more positive note, panthers signify power, beauty and/or grace.

Search-To dream that you are searching for something, signifies the need to find something that is missing or needed in your life. You may be searching for a solution to a problem.

Find-To dream that you find something, suggests that you are coming into contact with some aspect of your psyche or unconscious. You are recognizing a part of yourself that was previously repressed or undeveloped. Alternatively, it represents change.

To dream that you find someone, indicates that you are identifying new facets of a relationship. You may be taking the relationship to a new level and/or direction.

Bedroom-To dream that you are in the bedroom, signifies aspects of your self that you keep private. It is also indicative of your sexual nature and intimate relations.

Basement-to dream that you are in a basement, symbolizes your unconscious mind and intuition. The appearance of the basement is an indication of your unconscious state of mind and level of satisfaction.

Stairs-To dream that you are walking up a flight of stairs, indicates that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual/emotional/material journey.

To dream that you are walking down a flight of stairs, signifies that you will face many setback in your endeavors.

I go both up and down the stairs in my dream so I don't really know if both apply or not. Then there's an explaination for steps too...

Steps-To see steps in your dream, represents your efforts in achieving your goals, ambition and material gains. The dream may be telling you to take things one thing at a time. Or that you need to take a chance and take that first step toward your goals/dreams.

To dream that animals can talk, represents superior knowledge. Its message is often some form of wisdom. Alternatively, a talking animal denotes your potential to be all that you can be.

Black symbolizes the unknown, unconscious, danger, mystery, darkness, death, mourning, hate or malice.

If the feeling in the dream is one of joy, blackness could imply hidden spirituality and divine qualities.

Curtain-to dream that you are opening the curtains, indicates that you are ready to reveal something hidden.

Wow, that was a lot of interpretation for one really short dream... Well if it gets me to know myself better it's worth it because I don't even really know myself completely. Kind of a weird thing to think about but oh well. I'm off, I'm sure everyone got bored reading about the interpretations of my unconscious being and how I truely think and feel.

Mandy ~ 12:29 PM

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Favorite Song Lines...

Verve Pipe- Freshmen

My best friend took a weeks vacation to forget her
His girl took a weeks worth of valium and slept
And now he's guilt striken sobbing with his head on the floor
Thinks about it now and how he never really wept (2nd time- we fell through the ice when we tried not to slip)
Can't be held responsible
She was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place
For the life of me I can't not remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me I can not believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

Switchfoot- Meant to Live

Fumbling his confidence
And wondering why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he's bent for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly, fly

Dreaming about Providence
And whether mice or men have second tries
Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we're bent and broken, broken

Ben Folds Five- Brick

6 am day after Christmas
I throw some clothes on in the dark
The smell of cold
Car seat is freezing
The world is sleeping
I am numb

Up the stairs to the apartment
She is balled up on the couch
Her mom and dad went down to Charlotte
They're not home to find us out
And we drive
Now that I have found someone
I'm feeling more alone
Than I ever have before

If no one can tell I'm bored then obviously posting 4 entries in one day isn't enough? *sigh*

Mandy ~ 6:59 PM

P.S.S. Now Job has me stuck on downloading oldies like Stand By Me, Chantilly Lace, and Unchained Melody. He didn't tell me to dl those specific songs but I just listened to part of one and now I'm stuck... Thanks Job :p Thanks again Anthony for telling me what that song was that I heard on the radio, Meant To Live- Switchfoot, really good song.

Mandy ~ 6:18 PM

P.S. I'm really starting to get sick of Katie and Erin complaining every day about how much they hate band now because it isn't fun anymore at all with Zunker. They have one quarter left with him because they're seniors and I have that plus another year!

Mandy ~ 5:52 PM

Drinking Powerade and Eating Crackers

Hmmm. I don't really have a whole lot to write about but here goes nothing. I won the t-shirt contest in my oral interp class! I'm sure everyone's like right... ok weirdo. Ok we had to interview a person (10 open ended questions, no yes/no/one answer questions) and then we had to draw symbols to represent what we interpretted from the interview and then we gave a 2 minute speech on what we learned about the person and finally voted on whose shirt we thought was the best. Well I'm sure I've said before my class consists of mostly preps... Stephanie Nelson, Sam Schoone, Alison Carol, Mike Fraiser, Billy Stole, Dan Scneider, Heather Steinmetz, Sarah O'Melia, Cortney Weber, Christina Treder, and Whitney Grill. So we voted and Cortney got 3rd, someone else got 2nd, and I got 1st place, as Mrs. Machtan says 'By a landslide'.

My dad just notifed me that the snoball pictures are done as well. Wow, they turned out absolutely beautifully. The colors are so vivid and my faces aren't so eccentric. In one group picture I'm shrugging and it's really funny looking because it's a goof off picture and the face I'm making is so funny but in a good way and not in the 'you look funny' bad way. All I have to say is Sarah takes good pictures. I tried to take some to scan them in but they were being poopy and said I could use the pic cd instead and it makes more sense anyway because then I just pop it in and save it under a 'paint' file so it cuts the kbs in half and also when you scan in a picture it automatically saves it in the scanner thingy and then it'll be twice the size and then you copy it into paint so you can send it to people because it's smaller and then you have 1.5 times as much memory taken up because you have 2 pictures of it.

I'm also getting a 96% in democracy which is crazy cool and if I get an A in Oral Interp I'll have A's all around and it'll be the first time ever I think or at least in a while. It's like I care about my grades but I just don't have that extra drive the straight A students have. Last quarter I got 3 A's and a B, 3.725 GPA but my accumulative is only at 2.8... because I failed a couple of classes last year. *sigh* Due to not caring about grades because I got extremely lazy and depressed. I got good grades 1st and 2nd quarter too. I'm pretty sure they were all A's and B's.

Wow, that was really funny. Sarah's watching MXE on spike tv and they were doing the 'sinkers and floaters' and this guy was running and fell and just before his head hit the rock his helmet flew off and they said 'Luckily his helmet was thrown to safety'. It's the funniest show in the world. It's a Japenese tv game show where these Japenese people compete in events like in video games but they actually go threw big obstacle courses and the show is dubbed over with english voice overs saying funny and many times perverted things. "and it looks like 'still in the origional box' is still in it's origional box" and that comment was made about ppl in horse costumes with wheels. Well I'm off to go eat and talk on msn.

Mandy ~ 5:51 PM

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

Love?

I just read Emily's blogger that was basically a post from another person's (who goes by the name Averie) blogger. It's completely true about how some people only think love is what you see in the movies. I can and want to say something about why Emily posted that. Emily, I know you fairly well or at least I've known and been friends with you long enough to think I know you as well as I do... we all have our secrets but that isn't my point. What I'm trying to say is don't be offended by this but I really read between the lines of that blog you posted and I seriously think you posted that because someone who reads your blogger would be offended because they'd think it was their relationship you were referring to or rather using someone else's post to refer to. It's complicated and so are you so I'm sure you know what I mean and/or know what I was getting at.

Seen as tonight (or recently) seems to be the night to post things from other places to convey messages here goes... I just had a little talk with Jasmine and I really liked being able to talk to her about something...

~Mandy~ says:
you know what jasmine, people change... a lot, right?
~Mandy~ says:
and i don't know where this is coming from but i just wanted to say something... do you ever think at one point you were a little too on the superficial side and then you really realized what it was about
~Mandy~ says:
or were you always like you are now?
Jasmine- I ran over a bunny! says:
omg i was soo superficial, why??
~Mandy~ says:
it just hit me
~Mandy~ says:
i just knew you weren't always like you are now

~Mandy~ says:
before we were friends i'd look at you and think 'she must really think the world revolves on money... or at least thinks it can solve problems' not like i'm saying you didn't have problems but that you were going about it the wrong way...
~Mandy~ says:
no, you're far from superficial
~Mandy~ says:
tonight i was obsessing at how horrible i looked and you want to know why, because i saw my face in the mirror compared to yours and i just knew there was no way you could be so gorgeous and not ever at one point be superficial and take your looks for all they're worth
~Mandy~ says:
idk why i said that, it just hit me
~Mandy~ says:
and kind of made me wonder how long it takes some beautiful people to realize what you've already realized

Jasmine- I ran over a bunny! says:
well your very very right, i was very superficial, i thought everything had to be materialistic
Jasmine- I ran over a bunny! says:
but i dont know
Jasmine- I ran over a bunny! says:
something happened

Jasmine- I ran over a bunny! says:
and I realized that sure money is good to have, but its not wonderful, sure you can buy clothes, and cars, and houses, but it also buys drugs, alcohol.... it buys just as many good things as bad things and money will never make someone happy
~Mandy~ says:
exactly
~Mandy~ says:
why don't others realize that?
~Mandy~ says:
like when you almost died when i gave you the 5 tonight
~Mandy~ says:
it's just money... it's not like i give it out on a regular basis but idk... my mom has taught me something since i was little that having money is nothing unless you use it for something... good
~Mandy~ says:
like it's nothing for me to give someone money for food because them eating is so much more important than me having spare money...
~Mandy~ says:
i carry extra money for what happened tonight
Jasmine- I ran over a bunny! says:
and that is so awesome
~Mandy~ says:
it's just... idk, ppl are so possessive of money and that's not what the world is about
~Mandy~ says:
*sigh*
Jasmine- I ran over a bunny! says:
when i have money i would serioulsy much rather buy someone else something then myself
~Mandy~ says:
i would just be so unbelievably happy if job and i stayed together and it wouldn't matter where we lived as long as we had each other... and it's so idealistic but don't most people wish to be rich and have everything they want?
~Mandy~ says:
yea, it just feels right
~Mandy~ says:
and it feels so good to be there for someone when they need you even if it means just paying for one meal
Jasmine- I ran over a bunny! says:
yeah exactly
Jasmine- I ran over a bunny! says:
i feel the same way, love is sooo much more powerful then money
~Mandy~ says:
they say you can't buy happyness but when i gave you that 5 and you were so grateful... happyness

So I'm going to be off now because I have to take a shower and I want to get more than 5 hours of sleep tonight.

Mandy ~ 10:29 PM

You're Out, Yes You

Hehe. Today school went so slow and it was so boring I wanted to die. In Democracy we took notes, read, and watched this really boring film on indian reservation rights and then we got a call informing us how we were going to get taped for the news. I hate the actual class but the people in there are so much fun... Jackie Wincell, Shawn Towne, Vanessa Sanchez, John Kroha, Jeb Ostrom, Step Nelson, Lupe, Heather Passmore, Jenny Wilson... just a bunch of laid back funny people. Even though Democracy is so boring they always joke around about other things and make it at least somewhat interesting.

Then after school there was a jv boys baseball game and I practiced my trio with Kate and Kayla and I was going to tell my mommio that I was staying after but since we sang I didn't get the time. SO we went home and then we made plans with Ben and Kevin and to go steal Job from school. Then we drove to school at quarter after (Job's mom was picking him up at 4:30) and I kidnapped Job and threw him in the truck and then Ben let Job use his phone to call his mom and tell her he got kidnapped and was on his way to the jv baseball game. So we went and Job was so funny and he kept yelling things and such. He'd say things that were only funny coming out of his mouth like 'fanny' in a girly voice right before the guy pitched and then he'd yell 'booger' or crow (bauck) like a chicken and 'whatever girlfriend' in a valley girl voice (what Jasmine taught him). At one point a guy from the other team got out and Job was like 'Yea, that's right, you're out' and the kid looked over and glared and Job was going to say 'Yea, you're out' but just saying the first thing made everyone go into hysterics which was probably why the kid glared. He kept calling the other teams catcher girl too whenever the ball would come by the fence. He was so mean but it was so funny. I also told Dan Schneider's story twice and everyone loved that too.

Many laughs and then Job left and Will, Jasmine, Anika, Ben, Mike, Kate, and me all went to Mcdees after much confusion because Will, and Mike had to go back to the RHS after to get undressed and whatever. After about half hour we all ended up at Mcdees and ate. A few other ppl from school also showed up like Ryan Fourt and some guys (he was the only one whom's name I knew because he's in wrestling with Job :p) and Josh Bies but I completely ignored Josh. Then a cop car pulled in with its lights on and we were like 'omg, wonder who was speeding' and then another cop car and finally a third. Turns out two guys were drug busted in the parking lot and we got to watch the whole thing happen. It was very amusing but then because it was in the drivethough Ben's truck was parked in and we couldn't get out for 10 minutes but all was good and we got home, et cetera. Well I'm off.

Mandy ~ 9:48 PM

Monday, April 12, 2004

P.S. I absolutely love this horoscope and even though I didn't read it until 5 seconds ago I'll just blame it for the absense of brain activity today in school...

Here is your horoscope for Monday, April 12:

Don't be surprised if you find yourself staring out the window and sighing quite
a bit -- and don't bother trying to figure out why. Forget all about work if you
can. Concentrate on affection.

P.S.S. If I don't get the chance to write tomorrow I'll write it now... Tomorrow is my 2 month anniversary with Job, my baby. I know it isn't a long time but it feels like we've been together for a while and we're going to continue to be so.

Mandy ~ 4:32 PM

Need a Story

Today in oral interp we did almost everyone for their interesting stories. Everyone seemed to have no problem finding a good story or at least a semi-amusing one whereas I on the other hand have nothing. I was thinking about calling Ben's friend, Shawn and asking him details on the car accident and everything but I really don't know him well enough and that really sucks because it would've been over 3 minutes and interesting at that. I also seem to be the only person writing in my blog anymore or at least as of recently. It's probably because everyone's busy and now since we're back in school... fun. In democracy my group got the most comparisions on the government out of all of her classes so we got an extra credit point for it. Hmmm, I really don't have a lot to write about besides. Today was our first day back and I was completely brain dead. One thing I'm happy about is that I regularly get to see Job again. We have 1st hour wind ensemble, then he walks me to my homeroom, then before 4th hour I see him and I meet up with him in the halls after school. It's actually pretty nice but there's exactly 4 hours in between when I don't see him. Today after school Job was a lot of fun because he told me he had candy 4th hour. He was messing around and making weird faces and talking in weird voices and just being really funny and it was so cute. Well I have to go find a story because I have to present it first thing in oral interp tomorrow.

Dan Schneider told the most hilarious story about "Vironica" and how she went skiing with all of her friends and she realized she had to go to the bathroom but she didn't want to get left behind by her friends if she went to the lodge to go so she was skiing down the slope and she had to go so bad that she pulled down her pants and started peeing while she was skiing. He said things like 'I don't really know the anatomy of how a girl pees but as I hear it she got enough speed so the pee wouldn't go on her pants.' Then she looked behind herself and she noticed ppl coming down and she crashed and peed all over herself and also broke her leg and then she had to tell the ski patrol about what happened when she was taken to get her leg put in a cast. Later when she was back at the lodge she saw a guy with his arm in a cast and she asked him how that happened and he said 'you wouldn't believe me if i told you. I was skiing down one of the slopes and I saw this woman peeing with her pants down and I wasn't watching where I was going and I ran into a tree.'

Mandy ~ 4:28 PM

Finally

I'm so grateful that the pc is finally working again. It's unexplainable except that Kate has the magic touch because as soon as she turned it on it just worked perfectly. So now I'm getting wrangled into asking Chris Zeigler and Brian Quade to prom for Suze and Ashley. I'm going to feel horrible if they say no, which they will. *sigh* Chris is obsessed with money and he thinks he can buy anything with it and he even thought Megan Rudolph would go with him to prom but she turned him down.

Oh ouch. I just remembered a song and I dled it because I was trying to remember the songs that got deleted when the pc was reformatted. Well it was 'echo' by Trapt and it was a complete flashback of Adam. The correspondance, the yearbook dance, when he came home on visit and went to my christmas concert and then we hung out after. He's home now... I really hope he doesn't try contacting me. I'm sure Jason told him I'm with Job (or at least I hope he did) because last time Jason was over here I raved about Job the whole time. It hurts so bad to be reminded of past... guys especially if I really liked them. Tomorrow I'm going to practically take Job down when I see him because hearing that song and remembering Adam really killed me. I need some emotional support now.

Job actually proposed I stay the summer with him and his relatives in Iowa and I'm sure he didn't even ask permission either. The idea of staying with him and his family sounds so... unbelievably commited and I love that but it's realistically only been 2 months (as of Tuesday, yay) and by July it will be 4 months. Then I'm worried about my period, being picky about eating, laundry, and what if they don't like me? I don't think that's something a girl who's only been going out with a guy for 2 months should really start worrying about. *sigh*

Major anxiety although I keep daydreaming just about sleeping with Job. Not even doing anything either. Just being able to sleep in the same bed in his arms and wake up with him there. Every night for 17 years I've gone to bed alone and woken up alone and since I've been with him and realized what it's like to be in his arms I've decided I never want to go to sleep and wake up without him ever. Even though we've never gotten to sleep together under that circumstance... yet. I'm patiently waiting and if it never happens I just might give up on guys altogether. I'm so in love with Job that sometimes to remind myself I jokingly tell him I don't like him just to feel the pain it causes me and remember just how much I love him. Immediately after I tell him I'm joking even though he knows. I really have to stop doing that because it hurts so much. I'm sure that sounds really demented but I'm a weird girl and I've never met a normal person.

Someone please tell me how to control the love I feel for Job because whenever I see him I just want to run into his arms and never let go. Whenever we're not together the time seems to last forever until the time I can see him again. I didn't even do my oral interp homework and it bothers me that I don't care and then it doesn't. Now it's past midnight and Sarah and Kate have both taken their showers and Kate's waiting for me to come upstairs but I have to take a shower first and I'm just... losing care for anything else. It sounds so obsessive I know but I think after a few months I'll calm down or at least learn how to control this but for now I'm just going to emerse myself and take a shower and then go to dream about Job only to wake up and no more than half hour later meet up with him at school. Since we've been going out I haven't missed a single day of school. Even when I don't feel well I go just to see him and seeing him makes me feel better. Ahhh. I can't wait to see you my Job. Great, now Brian is talking to me and he's probably going to start hitting on me. I'm going to try to make a clean break :p Night all and I can only hope you find the love I've found.

Mandy ~ 12:11 AM

Sunday, April 11, 2004

30 Minutes To Turn On

My pc must have a million viruses on it because it took half hour to turn on and even after that (now) it's lagging badly and I signed into msn but it only stayed signed in for a few minutes. Well I have to go although I was going to write more my parents are going to kill me if they find me on the pc. Tomorrow I go back to school and I have a speech to write. Oh fun *sarcasm*

Mandy ~ 6:55 PM

Saturday, April 10, 2004

Eggs and Toast

This is the second morning in a couple of weeks that my dad made me eggs for breakfast. Yesterday I helped my daddio take down his deer stand and haul back the blocks. Then today I had to laugh at my dad because he woke me up this morning driving the snowmobile to the summer parking spot off from our private driveway because about 20 minutes later it started snowing and it hasn't stopped. We also got a freak hail storm right before that.

Yesterday Job and I were trying to make plans although I was being rather obstinate because I wasn't feeling well (girl thing). Finally (even though Job's parents said the house was too messy) Job must've convinced them to let me come over. He was already in town but all I had to do was get dressed because I'd taken a shower the night previously. I got dressed and decided to wear my glasses and then I waited around after I was completely ready because they still hadn't arrived. I even decided to play with my hair and did this side part and pulled my bangs back in two clips and clipped them under my hair to hide the clips and it looked cute although I knew later the clips would come out. Job rented Dr. Suess's Cat in the Hat and we watched that, went on his pc and played with his webcam, walked his dogs, ate pizza, and watched Lion King.

I wanted to write more but my pc is freaking out on me and it's going to shut down soon and I'd rather post this now than take the chance of losing this whole write up.

...

Even though my pc hasn't shut down yet I'm going to try to write more. Job's webcam is actually a camcorder rigged as a webcam which is really cool because I could tape Job while he wasn't at the pc. Like when I called Jack upstairs and Job tried to get Shadow (Job's cat) to attack him. I love Jack even though he always tries to sniff me (in inappropriate places) when I come over. I'm suprised all of his animals are tolerant of me and that Shadow (my dog) likes Job. Job can just walk up to Shadow and start petting her and she doesn't growl at him or anything. Whereas if Mike gets within 3 feet of Shadow she's off. I also thought it was funny that my dog and one of Job's cats has the same name. Well I'm going now because my pc is majorly annoying me and trying to type is not worth sitting a minute after every 3 words I type.

Mandy ~ 12:59 PM

Friday, April 09, 2004

New Glasses?

I got new glasses about two days ago and after I went grocery shopping with my mom. Well as soon as I got home I grabbed a bag and started walking up to the house and then the door opened and it was Job. Here I was wearing my new glasses that were slipping down my nose, my hair that was swept back in a clip of which my bangs were falling out of, and my sweatshirt sleeves were pushed up. It would've been the cutest picture as soon as I reached the door and would've just stood there looking at him while he held the door. So my glasses are the color bronze, Tommy Hilfiger (the ones that looked best on me), the top part of the frame is almost straight but bends into a slight curve and the bottom part is almost like a half-oval but not. I call them the "Sexy Librarian Glasses".

Enough about my glasses. Lets get to the good stuff. After that I watched Job's home movies with him and one of me. Then we watched some tv, ate, and did well... couply stuff. We brought him home around 10 I think, which means he was here at least 9 hours. Lately he's been crocheting me a doily that's going to say 'I Love You' and I'm pretty excited and it makes me wonder why he does that. He probably just gets bored and it's something for him to do. Earlier I talked to him on msn and sang a little over the phone. He had his web cam on and he accidentally spilled coolaid on himself and was forced to take off his shirt *bites lip* and then using my psychological mind control that I've gained since I've been a vampire (Chris!) I made him take heman poses for me and to the delight of Kayla who was thoroughly amused but obviously not in the same way as the horny, vampiress of a Job's gf was... I don't know what I'm going to do with myself...

Job also did poses for Sarah to look at and she had fun too. It made her laugh and smile which in return made me happier because Sarah's almost never happy anymore and partially because sometimes she expresses her jealously at Kate and myself for having bfs. Sometimes I feel really bad but then I remember the 4 years in which she was with Tim and probably through that whole thing I went through about 5 guys at least with over 3 quarters of that time spent being single. So if she really wants to lay into me for being jealous of my two month relationship then I'll just have to remind her about her 4 year one. Alas I don't think I could do that anyway because Sarah... she's had enough to deal with that was just caused by him. I won't be bringing that up again for her to remember anytime soon. I'll avoid any possible pain that I can for anyone no matter whom they may be.

Even Matt of whom was broken up with by Vanessa. Ahhh, passive voice evil. Lets retry that. Even how Vanessa broke up with Matt. I tried talking to Vanessa to talk to him about it because they're still friends but I could tell how much he really liked her and seriously after what crap I put him through he really deserves a good, lasting relationship. You have to know I'm over him when I'm hoping one of my friends will go out with him.

Mmm. I'm so unbelievably obsessive about Job and it doesn't bother me but I'm sure some of my friends have some sort of qualms with it. I just... I don't want to annoy anyone or put them in an uncomfortable situation because I admit that when I'm with Job things kind of melt away and all is good for us but anyone whom may be around us shouldn't have to deal with that. I just can't help myself because whenever I see him and I'm not holding his hand or kissing him or... it's like he's too far away and I just might die without coexistance. Ok, I'm done for the night. Kate's begging me to go to sleep and I can't deny her that for she has been tolerant of me lately and I of her so I'm not willing to push her.

Mandy ~ 12:37 AM

Monday, April 05, 2004

Another Dream!

It's so crazy that since I've been using the pointers to remembering dreams from www.dreammoods.com (going to add the link to site) that I've been remembering 2-3 dreams per night and I remembered another one from last night with quite a few details. I'm going to go upstais quick and grab the notebook i wrote the dream in.

The first place I was at was my grandma's (dad's mom) house in the kitchen. Job and I were sitting by the woodstove on the seat and Kate was sitting at the table and my cousins (the Thorsens) were all running around the house. *cuts out a part* Then... I was staying in a huge hotel or mansion and the Thorsens were having me take care of their kids and because Kassi was depressed and crying they tried to sue me on emotional distress. I remember still taking care of their kids and then there were 2 young twins (which they don't have) and I asked them what their bed time was and the parents said sometime before midnight and I practically died. At another part Kassi's grandma was there and we ran outside down some stone steps and we were in a small town in London that reminded me more of New Zealand and we were running down to catch a parade. Somewhere in there I was changing and I was completely flat chested which would've been me in like 4th grade.

Job just called me a little bit ago and he informed me he was in LaCrosse and he couldn't do anything today so I was kind of upset about that but I didn't let him know. I was only upset though because I haven't seen him and tonight we were supposed to get together and do something but we can't until tomorrow. Oh well, the longer we're apart the more I'll appreciate the time I do have with him. If we can't do anything tomorrow then we're pretty much screwed because Wednesday I'm going to Antigo to visit my grandma Mary Ann. It's about time though because last time I saw her was like Christmas or I think we dropped by her house some random weekend at least 2-3 months ago so sometime in January. Well I'm off.

Mandy ~ 2:56 PM

Sunday, April 04, 2004

Dreaming in the Movies

So a couple of nights ago I had a weird dream. Sarah and I just got done watching a movie and then after we were cast in roles to reshoot the movie. Well I got cast opposite the role of the one Job was playing. The whole movie was about how people whom were unjustly killed got to live again so they could live out their life or at least until they were supposed to die. The weird thing was whenever we'd start another scene Job and I would meld into the characters and be completely different... even in looks. We'd morph into the characters I saw on the movie and we acted completely different and the only comparison I could find (between Job and me and the movie couple) was the love between each couple. So here's the breakdown from this lovely site I got off from Kate's blogger.

Acting-To dream that you are an actor, denotes that your hard work and labor will be well worth it in the end. It also indicates your strong desires to be recognized and acknowledge. This may also be an indication of a role that you are playing in your real life, whether it be the role of a parent, sibling, co-worker, etc. Or perhaps you are putting on an act or a facade.

Movie-To dream that you are playing a role in the movie, foretells that something from your unconscious is about to emerge or be revealed. It may also represent memories of images or scenes from your past. Alternatively, the dream may be pointing you toward a new role that you might be undertaking. Your unconscious is psychologically preparing you for this new role.

Boyfriend-To see your boyfriend in your dream, represents your waking relationship with him and how you feel about him. If your boyfriend is away and your dreams of him involve a lot of touching, signify how much you miss his presence and have him being nearby. The dream is telling you not to take the day to day things for granted. Learn to cherish the smaller things in life.

Metamorphosis-To see a metamorphosis take place in your dream, denotes sudden and rapid changes in your personal life. If the metamorphosis is a smooth one, then it indicates necessary changes for you to adapt to a new situation.
and or
Transformation-To dream that you are undergoing a transformation, indicates a need for change or a deviation from your usual routine. It also suggests your expanded awareness and a deep-level personality development.

That's all I could really think of to look up out of the dream. Well I'm getting pretty tired and the sooner I go to sleep the sooner Job will be home which has now been moved to Monday instead of tomorrow. What can I say? I miss my baby and I know I'm obsessive.

Mandy ~ 1:19 AM