~The Music of My Life~

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Living a Life of Obediance

*sigh* I'm so tired. Today I woke up at 8 to get ready for band. Then Kate and I got there 5 minutes late because while mom and I were in the car waiting for her she was searching for the sunscreen which we had in the car. Great example of miscommunication. Suprisingly I actually miss school. Miss seeing everyone and actually doing things so much that to keep myself busy I attempt to do all of the chores around the house. I just end up wearing myself out. I'm just... a lot has been upsetting me and it's nothing I can really talk about. All I have to say is I'm so grateful Job is there for me although at the moment he's on his way to Greenbay for work but he can't help that.

One of the things that's been bothering me I can talk about and that's my brother. A few days ago he hurt his back and he can't work although he's been working 2 jobs almost all of the time. My mom took him to the emergency room after he did it and then again today because he's getting worse. They took an x-ray of his back but they couldn't find anything. All Ben does is sleep and eat in a chair. I usually sit by him and make sure he gets everything he wants or needs and last night I was up on the couch next to him and watching some tv and he just starting screaming from the agony. I almost started crying because there was nothing I could do about it because he'd already taken his pain medication. Last night I had two panic attacks and one of them just happened and I think it was partially because of the fact that I can't do anything to help Ben and the other one was brought on by something else that I've previously mentioned not being able to talk about. People have problems and you just have to stay by them and help them deal even though it may make you sick with worrying about it.

I'm being selfish so now I'm going to talk about sectionals today. I took my clarinet section out to the parking lot and we practiced music the one time and then I taught them all of the commands for street marching and put them into a block group of 3 rows of 3. I taught them the commands; detail to the ready (relaxed, heads down, making the "pressure cookers" sound with clarinets parallel to the ground), band attend hut (calling them to attention, they repeat hut after as loud as possible, with clarinets vertical, mouthpiece at nose height, stiff straight, feet at 45 degree angle, heels together, shoulders back, chest out, chin up), mark time mark (command to start marching in place), and then I'd count four for nothing which means they mark time for 4 counts, and then I'd count to 8 4 times for the block, forward-heel to toe, right-chest facing fowards, twisted hips, back-up on toes, left-twisted hips, facing foward and then after the last count of 8 I'd say 'plant' which means stop and mark time until I'd say 'ready halt' and then they shout '1 2' along with the beat they were marching to and they put the left foot out on 1 and then the right foot out on 2 to make the 45 degree angle again. I thought it was pretty cool because almost all of the freshmen were very cooperative.

There's one girl (Anna Koshak) that's going to give me problems but I'm going to spend some individual time with her so she isn't embarassed about not getting it right away and so she'll have a better feel for marching. My mom was there fitting the new freshmen for uniforms and every one was trying them on when she asked and she asked this girl, Anna Koshak and she vehemently said No and completely shocked my mom. Then I had an attendance for my section and 7 people have never come to either of the 2 practices so far and 3 have only come once, so of my entire section only 9 have attended both of the practices, including me. My section didn't place because, from the mouth of Zunker a couple of them were out of step although I saw people from the first team that placed (the flutes) that were out of step, one girl went the wrong way even. My section stayed in the lines, had spirit, turned right every time, shouted the responses perfectly, rolled their steps, stayed on their toes going backwards, and looked pretty uniformed. I think we didn't make it because it was only 9 people marching as compared to the huge flute section so Zunker had his eyes busy looking over the flute section while it was pretty easy to pick out one mistake in the clarinets.

Well I'm just happy my section is so wonderful and I'm trying to impress upon them every chance I get that the band is just a big, happy family and we're always there for each other. I think once the year gets started and they see the comradery amongst all of the band students they'll just fall right into place. Marci, Katie, and me are constantly joking with them so they're comfortable and not afraid of us like we were our freshman year because we didn't know anything but we learned and I know that they will because they are very bright and seem to have a lot of devotion for the program. They seem to like us all a lot and they're very friendly in return. Ahhh, one of the few things that brings a smile to my face right now. Tomorrow I'm going half an hour early to work with one of the girls, Teresa because I called her and asked her if she wanted any help because she looked flustered and couldn't quite grasp it. She was more than overjoyed and thanked me for offering the help. I also called Anna but no one answered even after I called about 3 times. I don't think she'd be open to the help anyway because I tried to help her during practice and she just acted like I was yelling at her although I made it perfectly clear that I just wanted to help her. Well I'm going to go. This is long enough already.

Mandy ~ 7:23 PM

Monday, June 28, 2004

With Your Eyes, See Life

Don't ask me about the title. Many times have I just written whatever has popped out of my brain first. Today was my first day of marching practice and as section leader. I have about 6 new clarinets and I have no idea how many I have altogether because Jeff Becker didn't give me the full list because he didn't save it to Zunker's hard drive but I'll get it tomorrow. Right now my dad is on the phone so I can't call Job which gives me a little time to write. First I went to the RHS around 8 for the section leader meeting because Zunker was going to prep us to basically lead half of what happened. We played in the band room and then we broke up into sectionals and I took care of my section asking questions about the music, if they had any problems, any questions, anything they didn't understand, we played through it until we'd come to a measure or so they had problems with and then we'd practice that particular measure, I also introduced myself and had all of them go around in a circle and introduce themselves even though I didn't get the names down since it was the first time I met them. Well there was this invite for 8th graders to an RHS pep band but all of them were too scared or intimidated or something and wouldn't talk to anyone outside of who they knew. It was weird to be the leader of the clarinet section because for three years I've been a follower but I've learned a lot and now I'm going to put it to good use for my lovely underclassmen. I impressed upon them that the upperclassmen will help them and we all have fun in band and everyone is excepted the same so they'd know it wasn't some huge heirarchy that they weren't a part of. Well that's enough about band.

My summer has been... a lot of the same. Doing chores all around the house and trying to find a way to pass the days. I have community band every Monday night and now this week I have band camp and I get to experiment with being a section leader. I love being able to help people and I really like my section and the new freshman. They're very willing and work with me and do pretty much whatever I say. I've been goofing around a little so they're more comfortable with the upperclassmen and I hope they'll learn to play out faster. So as I said, that's enough of band :p. That and hanging out with Job and sometimes with friends has pretty much been my summer. I went on that two day trip to Milwaukee but it really wasn't anything extravagant.

Today I got this letter about how my poem has been selected or some crap and they want me to come to their huge poetry thing with celebs to present it and I might be able to win anywhere from $1,000- $15,000 but I really don't believe it. Something about how it's going to be on national tv too. I think it's just a big ploy to get me to send in this registration fee. So I'm going to call Job back and then I'm going to get ready to go to another rousing night of community band at the JWJHS oh, sorry, it's been changed to the JWJH now *rolls eyes*.

Mandy ~ 4:21 PM

Monday, June 21, 2004

After Community Band...

So tonight I went to community band. All I have to say is old people are a lot of fun. Community band is so laid back and easy going. The practice went well and Job finally came to one, hehe. It's not his fault though because he had that week of wrestling camp and then he had wrestling practice last monday night. After practice Job and I went outside but only my mom had arrived and not Jake to take Job home so he ran up to the doors and Mrs. Creiglow let him in and I followed and the same for me. Well the pay phone ate his quarters so we walked back out the side door along with Mr. Smith, who conducts and Jan, lady in my clarinet section that runs the band. Jan saw Job and me holding hands and she said 'what's that?!' and I said '4 months' and she said 'I don't think so' and grabbed his hand away from me and then held hands with Job. Then not knowing what to do I went to Job's other side and held it and she said 'I don't think so' again and told me to go hold Dale's hand (Mr. Smith) so I went over to Mr. Smith who was flustered because he was holding music in that hand so he switched it over to his other hand and he held my hand. Then we all went to our cars laughing and I said 'talk about cradle robbing'. It was a great laugh. So I'm off.

Mandy ~ 8:03 PM

Feeling... Nothing That I Know of

So tomorrow I'm leaving for Milwaukee and I don't even know why I bother writing about it because I'm sure everyone will have read this after I get back so they won't even know I left. I'll only be gone 2 or 3 days for Kate's acedemic decathelon trip and my mom's taking her so she decided to take me as well. That way we can all go clothing shopping. My favorite place to shop is Gurnee Mills in Chicago. That place kicks butt because you're garenteed to hit a sale somewhere. That's the place where I got those $40 jeans that were marked down to $7, the $11 pj/atheletic pants, and those other jeans for $20, I think. Obviously I'm not going to be going there for a while because I almost never go anywhere. I think my biggest problem will be my separation anxiety from Job. When he left for his wrestling camp I just about died and I hated the awkwardness when I saw him again even though it only lasted a few minutes.

Tonight I'm going to community band and I hope I can see Job, Katie, and Emily. I really don't know what else I can write about since nothing has been happening in my realm of the world. I guess I'll write later.

Mandy ~ 12:30 PM

Saturday, June 19, 2004

Long Time

So I've realized my summer is getting pretty... occupied. I have a million things I have to do still. I have to talk to my mom and see if I can have this friend over because we indefinitely need to spend some time together. Mostly I've been doing things with Job and we all know my memory isn't the best so even if I did remember to write I still would've forgotten because I'm constantly doing something. Yesterday, for example... I woke up when Job called me and then we planned for his dad to pick me up and go to his house, or maybe I called him back later and we planned that (can't remember), then I cleaned my room because my dad informed me we were having company over, and I was supposed to take in my Y application but my mom misheard me when I told her Job's dad got off from work at 4:30 she heard it as he was picking me up at 4:30 which didn't happen... he actually ended up picking me up around 6. Then my dad's friends didn't look like they were going to show up and the renters' youngest girl came down with a wade of money for the second half of the rent and then my dad's friends came and they toured the not completely clean house because I could only get so far before the renters' girl came down. Then I waited and waited and my mom made me mushrooms since I hadn't really eaten and sometimes if you only eat mushrooms you kind of get... well weird and then I went to Job's house and I couldn't stop laughing. Then Josh had friends over, Will and Kennedy and then Jake came home too so all of Job's brothers were home and so then we couldn't really have alone time and we never finished the movie we started, Master and Commander, which I really didn't mind because it wasn't really interesting anyway. Then my mom ended up picking me up around 10 and we went home and I went downstairs and watched anime with my siblings.

So that was pretty much whats been happening. I've been going to Abbie's house, and Job's been coming over here, and we went to Buck Lake a couple of days ago, and I tried going mini-golfing after my community band concert on Thursday but they closed early and we all (Kt Barbian, Chris, Kayla, Amanda J, and Jorata) all went to Jorata's house and we watched part of a movie and then Kayla, Jorata, Amanda, and me played Clue although I didn't have a clue (pun intended) as to what I was doing. Then Brian took me home. Tomorrow I'm going to my cousin's, the Thorsens house for fathers day to see my grandpa and we're going to present him with his present. The whole family put in money to buy him a stepping stone for the Y or something with all of his activities and such on it, which I thought was a really cool gift.

My mom's going to take me to the Y to drop off from application so I have to go take a shower and get dressed and then I'm going to take my Shady for a walk like I do every day. Then I'm going to call Job back.

P.S. I know this is kind of hipocritical but People, if you get the time write in your blogger! I think Emily is the only one who's actually been writing in hers, good job :p Later all.

Mandy ~ 11:36 AM

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Popular Favorites Suck

I wrote a little poem and after I've copied it from the paper I'm going to explain it.

As I learn
I realize
To no concern
Or suprise
Some thrive
To be alive
Others die
Living their lies
A single red rose
In a sea of red
Nobody knows
What lies ahead
It's beauty unseen
As you swim past
To it none are keen
Your vision downcast
Justice to those
Who nobody knows
For it's thorns beware
They cut the unfair
The roses unforgiving
Torture as you keep living
Do unto others as they do onto you
For they know... Revenge is sweet and true

So for the past couple of days we've been waiting to get a letter telling us whether or not we made it into Shodags. We got it today... I went down the list and saw Kate's nor my name. I was enfuriated. First I cried because I thought it was so unfair. Then I got mad because I know I should've made it. Then I tried telling myself I did something wrong to have not made it. In the end I realized it was all favorites of who was in there the year before, even if they sucked and who was popular. Sarah Hall whose voice dipped in and out of notes, Katie Lappin who was flat the whole time and even admitted to it, Katie Matthews and Linell Grzesik who force their voices and it sounds like they're screaming, and Heidi Cray whose voice cracked multiple times because she couldn't hit the notes not to mention every one of their voices is nasaly. Yet, of all those girls (and others unmentioned) I didn't make it.

This may be the first time in my life I'm going to admit this but I think a have a decent voice (when I did tell someone that they said it was a gross understatement) and I should've made it ahead of all of those other girls. I nailed all of my moves, did all of the required moves, I pronounced every word without being stingy, and I sang every note right with a smile on my face and the enthusiasm to match. After all of that Mrs. P had the unmitigated temerity to lead me on to believe I was going to make it... I'm just so unbelievably upset.

Since that I decided I didn't want to be in treble choir next year if I wasn't good enough to be in Shodags and I was much better than over half the girls that tried out and half that made it. I've been trying to get a hold of her to nicely ask why I wasn't good enough and to tell her 'I would tell you in person but since I won't be seeing you next year because I won't be in treble choir.' So instead I'm going to sign up for 4 quarters of German and hopefully if I get a job I can put the money aside to go on the German trip since Job and Emily are going and it'd be so much fun. I also get to take German because a lot of colleges require 2 classes of a foreign language. So since that door closed a ton more opened. I just hope my mom will let me go on the trip seen as I will be 18 and I'm very responsible and she can trust me. The only issue right now is money because as it is I'm already going on a band trip to West Virginia to march in the Strawberry Parade and stay in college dorms. So that trip is a couple hundred dollars if not more and the German trip will be really expensive. So I'm going to ask my dad sometime this week if he can take me to pick up some job applications so hopefully I can get some more money in the bank. Right now I only have around $350 in the bank and I know if I got a job all of it would be going into the bank.

I'm also kind of mad because I wrote a 5 paragraph blogger yesterday and the power went out right before I posted it. It was all about Abbie's party and how it kicked butt and what we did but I'm not going to rewrite it because I'm lazy. I'm out.

Mandy ~ 2:54 PM

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Seriously Upset

I may not have lost someone I love (well not in the past couple of days) but I feel so horrible right now. A little while ago I was talking to Job on the phone and he told me that his sister, Beka always mocks me and called me stupid and she hates me. Now, I have no idea what I did to deserve that but it upsets me that she hates me and I'm sure (because I could've sworn even if she didn't like me that she didn't hate me) that his family strongly dislikes me too. I'm always on the phone with Job and we always want to do something and supposedly Job talks about me a lot and I'm sure they're annoyed by that. I can't stand it when people hate me even before they really get to know me. I understand that there will always be people that are ignorant enough to judge people before they actually know them but I don't think it's acceptable.

Then after I learned that lovely bit of information Kate came home after her interview with Walgreens and the biggest smile on her face. She started bragging about how she's sure she's going to get the job because Ben (who works there) highly recommended her, the manager is super nice, the company is doing so well that every dollar Kate puts into a retirement fund for working there she'll earn back three which is unheard of. So basically if she put in $50 from her 1st paycheck she'd get $150 right off. So she could triple her pay if she put it all into a retirement fund. So she kept bragging about that and rubbing it in that I'm almost 2 years older and she'll be earning $6.50/ hour and everything is going to be wonderful while I earn... Nothing because I don't have a job.

I'm also extremely upset because Job's going to a wrestling camp for a week and that wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that he's going to be gone for our 4 month and that's a big thing for me. So while I'm here, doing nothing, and whining about how I'll never have a job Kate will be earning boyah pay, Beka will be making a voodoo doll of me, and Job will be having the best time wrestling and such.

Now the only thing that might make me cheer up a little bit is that my dad just asked me to go fishing with him and at first I said no because I'm upset and then I thought about it and realized it may be the only thing that'll cheer me up at the moment although I was going to spend the night until 8 making the rest of the choreography for the tryout song for Shodags, which is tomorrow and also my last day with Job before he leaves.

I found out I'm going to get a B+ in Democracy which really upsets me because I was 10 pts away from an A-. So now I'm going to go put on some clothes (because I was trying to tan earlier and only got a lovely burn even when I wore sunscreen) and go fishing with my dad and completely shurk my responsibility to my choreography for Shodags, which I probably won't make because it's all a popularity contest and I'm one of 47 people trying out and at best Mrs. P will accept a group of 26, but most likely a group of a much smaller size.

Mandy ~ 5:23 PM

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Another Day Closer... To the End

I'm kind of upset because I can't get into my account so I'm on my brothers but I still remembered my username and password for my blogger, obviously so I could write in here. My pc crashed over the weekend and I haven't been able to get into anything. I had a huge end of the year project and I ended up getting a 70% on it, 35/50. That's really good considering I couldn't do my speech or bibliography because my pc was down and then I gave the worst speech ever and I still got a C- on it all! Which means I'll get a B+ or A- depending on how my extra credit plays out. My fingers are crossed for the A- so I get all A's this 4th quarter. I loved Oral Interp and I'm going to miss that class.

This past week has been so hectic with school ending and seniors’ last day today. Friday night was the yearbook signing party and it kind of sucked after I got all the signatures I wanted because it was basically a meeting of cliques just like school. Then Job and I called my mom and she came and picked us up and brought us back to my house and Job and I watched tv for a while and then his mom came and picked him up.

I also found out recently that Zack Baron wants to go out with Job’s little sister and at first I was worried and I didn’t want Beka to go out with him (although she can’t because she’s not allowed to date until she’s 16) and I even talked to her on the phone about it and expressed my opinion in that he’s evil. Then I thought about it more and decided that just because Zack was a prick to me doesn’t mean he’ll be a prick to her. The major reason Zack ended our thing was because he explained ‘because we’re in different schools we never see each other’ and ‘every time we did something it was like we were starting over again’. SO… I’m thinking that because Zack and Beka are the same age that maybe they’ll be more compatible. I also realize I have no business messing around with them and whatever but I just don’t want Beka to get hurt. Even though Job complains about her I know he loves her and she’s so nice to me and I just don’t like it when people get hurt. Then again I’ve been hurt by guys in the past and I’ve learned from it and maybe it’s fated to be a certain way and maybe that includes me messing with it or not but I’m not sure and I never will be so I think I’m going to stop writing about it before I confuse myself.

Haha, I hope I don't have a sunburn because when I got home I fell asleep on the side deck. Well I'm going to go try to get a hold of Job.

Mandy ~ 5:59 PM