Who I Am
These are my true thoughts...
My Past
08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003
09/01/2003 - 10/01/2003
10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003
11/01/2003 - 12/01/2003
12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004
01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004
02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005
06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005
10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
Favorite Websites
albinoblacksheep.com
www.myspace.com
www.ebaumsworld.com
Credits of the Creator
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Picture found @ Digital Blasphemy
Monday, August 30, 2004
Happy
An emotion I rarely ever let be known for fear that I will soon lose it but I have faith it's here to stay. Today my parents went down to the farm and I had previous plans to spend the day with Job so around 1 pm him and his dad came into town to pick me up and take me to their house. We watched a bunch of movies, laid around, actually had some one on one time, and I watched him play some of Doom 3.
I fell asleep with him on the couch while we were watching Hidalgo but mostly it was just Josh watching it because Job and I had just seen it recently (me a couple of weeks ago and him a month ago). Then we goofed off and ate and played with his cats. Blaise came over while we were eating and had some food too and he told me about how Kate was pestering him to ask out our sister, Sarah. Then we made arrangements to have Blaise come back and pick me up anywhere from 10-12 because he had to take Sarah home from the party anyway.
After that Job and I hung out downstairs and watched Clueless and Shrek 2. I love my alone time with him even though I got a little crabby when my contacts were killing my eyes and I was falling asleep. Job noticed and after we watched Shrek we went back upstairs and took a nap on one of their couches. We just snuggled and at first I had my head on his chest but then we switched and I just held onto my baby and cradled him, ran my fingers through his hair, rubbed his shoulders and back. I already miss him, hehe and I love it that for once in my life I can fully express my feelings of love for someone and have them reciprocated and appreciated. I love my hunny and I'm never giving him up for anything.
An emotion I rarely ever let be known for fear that I will soon lose it but I have faith it's here to stay. Today my parents went down to the farm and I had previous plans to spend the day with Job so around 1 pm him and his dad came into town to pick me up and take me to their house. We watched a bunch of movies, laid around, actually had some one on one time, and I watched him play some of Doom 3.
I fell asleep with him on the couch while we were watching Hidalgo but mostly it was just Josh watching it because Job and I had just seen it recently (me a couple of weeks ago and him a month ago). Then we goofed off and ate and played with his cats. Blaise came over while we were eating and had some food too and he told me about how Kate was pestering him to ask out our sister, Sarah. Then we made arrangements to have Blaise come back and pick me up anywhere from 10-12 because he had to take Sarah home from the party anyway.
After that Job and I hung out downstairs and watched Clueless and Shrek 2. I love my alone time with him even though I got a little crabby when my contacts were killing my eyes and I was falling asleep. Job noticed and after we watched Shrek we went back upstairs and took a nap on one of their couches. We just snuggled and at first I had my head on his chest but then we switched and I just held onto my baby and cradled him, ran my fingers through his hair, rubbed his shoulders and back. I already miss him, hehe and I love it that for once in my life I can fully express my feelings of love for someone and have them reciprocated and appreciated. I love my hunny and I'm never giving him up for anything.
Mandy ~ 12:49 AM
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
Talkie Talkie
Tonight I was talking to Job on the phone after I got home from Abbie’s house for girls’ night even though Mike, Brian, and Jay (he couldn’t help it, he lives there) were there. We breeched a topic that upsets me… grades. My accumulative gpa is only 2.9 at the moment and hopefully with the highest gpas this next year I will get it up to around a 3.3 or hopefully higher but if I slip once there’s no chance. It upsets me that I took the liberty to slack off my freshman year and get the couple of F’s that ruined my really good gpa. The fact that something I did so long ago still upsets me upsets me even more. Then add the fact that I can’t change what I did in the past.
So remembering my slip up so long ago also triggered the mind process of why I did that. I looked at my mom, who did so well in high school and then went to a good college and only quit because she got sick and then met my father. After that she got married and took care of 4 kids for her life up until now and that’s all she’ll be doing until the day she dies pretty much although we will have removed the chance for her to take care of us because by then we will have all moved out, I’m sure.
Then I thought to myself how sad it was that she tried so hard in school to get somewhere in life and actually use that knowledge to earn a living when she didn’t even need to because she ended up taking care of kids. Now, in no way am I saying it doesn’t take a genius to take care of kids but in my words I am stating that it might take a little more gusto to perform brain surgery. Basically you don’t need to have a high gpa to be a mom, hell you could have dropped out of high school to take care of kids.
Then that thought led to the thought that I’ll turn out to be just like my mom and not because I don’t want to… I want to be able to make a living and work a job and be able to take pride in that. The thing is when I have kids, which I fully intend on doing, I want to spend every second possible raising them to be good people and fill them with the love my mother gave me. I want to build a strong, lasting relationship with every one of my children (who knows how many) and I fear I cannot accomplish that without raising them and being there for them when they need me. I take that theory from my own life where I know that has been proven true with my father. I want to be close to my father and love him like a love my mom but the fact is I hardly know him and we just don’t have the bond that I formed with my mom while I was growing up and making decisions, big and small and the choices that made me the person who I am today. I sadly can say my father was not a part of that and if I could’ve chosen differently I would have. However, I would never give up the relationship with my mom to have one with my father.
When I have kids and if I have a job I will quit it to raise them. I might take up less taxing jobs just to help with the income but I would rather choose love over money. I would rather choose an inseparable bond with my children over a slightly more privelaged or “easy” life. I look at others whom both parents work and I just don’t see the bond like what I have with my mom. All I see is more privilege, more access to everything else, more everything except deep, bonded love. At the same time others would choose that kind of privilege over what I have with my mom just because they believe it’ll make them just as happy but they don’t know what I know and that is even if I did have what they have I wouldn’t be as happy or fulfilled as I am now. If I had led a life of more privilege including private lessons, new vehicles, vacations, new technology, and other things I may not even be aware of I would feel that it was artificial. A substitute for something so much better that it can’t be bought. How much is it said that happiness can’t be bought… do they ever think happiness means love too? Would that change anyone’s minds? Or is the allure of money and privilege too much to pass up? For me I already see the best benefits… the ones no one can actually hold are the choice I have made. The choice to believe in what others think may be folly… that believing in something you can’t hold or touch is more valuable than anything anyone could put monetary value upon. I just wish more people truly knew…
Tonight I was talking to Job on the phone after I got home from Abbie’s house for girls’ night even though Mike, Brian, and Jay (he couldn’t help it, he lives there) were there. We breeched a topic that upsets me… grades. My accumulative gpa is only 2.9 at the moment and hopefully with the highest gpas this next year I will get it up to around a 3.3 or hopefully higher but if I slip once there’s no chance. It upsets me that I took the liberty to slack off my freshman year and get the couple of F’s that ruined my really good gpa. The fact that something I did so long ago still upsets me upsets me even more. Then add the fact that I can’t change what I did in the past.
So remembering my slip up so long ago also triggered the mind process of why I did that. I looked at my mom, who did so well in high school and then went to a good college and only quit because she got sick and then met my father. After that she got married and took care of 4 kids for her life up until now and that’s all she’ll be doing until the day she dies pretty much although we will have removed the chance for her to take care of us because by then we will have all moved out, I’m sure.
Then I thought to myself how sad it was that she tried so hard in school to get somewhere in life and actually use that knowledge to earn a living when she didn’t even need to because she ended up taking care of kids. Now, in no way am I saying it doesn’t take a genius to take care of kids but in my words I am stating that it might take a little more gusto to perform brain surgery. Basically you don’t need to have a high gpa to be a mom, hell you could have dropped out of high school to take care of kids.
Then that thought led to the thought that I’ll turn out to be just like my mom and not because I don’t want to… I want to be able to make a living and work a job and be able to take pride in that. The thing is when I have kids, which I fully intend on doing, I want to spend every second possible raising them to be good people and fill them with the love my mother gave me. I want to build a strong, lasting relationship with every one of my children (who knows how many) and I fear I cannot accomplish that without raising them and being there for them when they need me. I take that theory from my own life where I know that has been proven true with my father. I want to be close to my father and love him like a love my mom but the fact is I hardly know him and we just don’t have the bond that I formed with my mom while I was growing up and making decisions, big and small and the choices that made me the person who I am today. I sadly can say my father was not a part of that and if I could’ve chosen differently I would have. However, I would never give up the relationship with my mom to have one with my father.
When I have kids and if I have a job I will quit it to raise them. I might take up less taxing jobs just to help with the income but I would rather choose love over money. I would rather choose an inseparable bond with my children over a slightly more privelaged or “easy” life. I look at others whom both parents work and I just don’t see the bond like what I have with my mom. All I see is more privilege, more access to everything else, more everything except deep, bonded love. At the same time others would choose that kind of privilege over what I have with my mom just because they believe it’ll make them just as happy but they don’t know what I know and that is even if I did have what they have I wouldn’t be as happy or fulfilled as I am now. If I had led a life of more privilege including private lessons, new vehicles, vacations, new technology, and other things I may not even be aware of I would feel that it was artificial. A substitute for something so much better that it can’t be bought. How much is it said that happiness can’t be bought… do they ever think happiness means love too? Would that change anyone’s minds? Or is the allure of money and privilege too much to pass up? For me I already see the best benefits… the ones no one can actually hold are the choice I have made. The choice to believe in what others think may be folly… that believing in something you can’t hold or touch is more valuable than anything anyone could put monetary value upon. I just wish more people truly knew…
Mandy ~ 11:10 PM
Saturday, August 07, 2004
Realizing What I Already Knew
Yesterday I went out to my grandma's house with Job to help her muck. Now I'm sure almost everyone who read that sentence just asked themselves what that means. Simple you go in a lake with rakes and buckets and rake and pull out water weeds and well muck. It's really hard work seen as everything is water logged and when you pull weeds you hurt your back because you're bending over the whole time and when you rake the muck is extremely heavy so you give your entire abdomens a complete workout as well as your neck, shoulders, and arms.
So we went out in the morning in our thigh-high waiters with my grandma and we mucked and mucked some more until 2 hours had passed and then we took a break, cleaned our equipment off (waiters, rakes, buckets, and such), took showers, and ate lunch at 1. Job and I were joking around about my cousin and his wife because she's 6'1" and he's 5'10". Job got on his knees like he was a midget and I stood next to him with my arm around him and said hey hunny and my grandpa laughed so hard. Then I looked at an imaginary person to my right and said 'hey, what are you looking at, my husband will beat you up' and Job said in a high voice with his fist up 'I'm gonna get you!' and then my grandpa laughed even harder.
After lunch Job and I went out in the canoe and I was being a bitch because it was his first time and we were running into bogs and stranding the canoe and I was telling Job no, don't do that. A few times in there I just stopped paddling and I didn't know why but I was in the worst mood. Finally we got to the lake lot and I showed him the place and we took a break and then hopped back in the canoe and made our way back and on the way back my mood was better. I'm sorry I took out my frustration on you hunny. Then we immediately started mucking again because as everyone in my family knows 'she waits for no one' and she was already making her way back down to the lake to muck alone. Job and I ran inside and got dressed in our crappy clothes again and we hurried back down there because we felt horrible she was going to do it alone. It was kind of funny though because when we were coming back Job said 'Wouldn't we feel horrible if your grandma was out there by herself?' and we came back just in time.
Then we mucked another hour and a half. While I was water weeding I stared at Job while he raked the heavy loads of caitail and muck with a pitch fork (earlier he'd broken a different fork because he was towing too heavy a load and the fork just busted where the wood meet the metal fork but it wasn't his fault). Finally after about half an hour of staring at him he asked me what I was staring at. I kind of laughed and looked down and he kept asking if he had muck all over his face or something distracting and funny but it wasn't that at all. All I could say was I loved him and that's why I was staring. When I looked at him I was just so overwhelmed with my love for him I couldn't help but stand there and be all goofy. Some times I'll look at Job and my heart will skip a beat and I really have to stop and wonder why he's with me. He's so amazing and I hope he realizes how much I truely love him and I always will. I'm his baby and he's mine and I'm never letting go.
Sorry if my insesant rambling bothered anyone who read this but I just couldn't stand another second without professing my love. Until another time...
Yesterday I went out to my grandma's house with Job to help her muck. Now I'm sure almost everyone who read that sentence just asked themselves what that means. Simple you go in a lake with rakes and buckets and rake and pull out water weeds and well muck. It's really hard work seen as everything is water logged and when you pull weeds you hurt your back because you're bending over the whole time and when you rake the muck is extremely heavy so you give your entire abdomens a complete workout as well as your neck, shoulders, and arms.
So we went out in the morning in our thigh-high waiters with my grandma and we mucked and mucked some more until 2 hours had passed and then we took a break, cleaned our equipment off (waiters, rakes, buckets, and such), took showers, and ate lunch at 1. Job and I were joking around about my cousin and his wife because she's 6'1" and he's 5'10". Job got on his knees like he was a midget and I stood next to him with my arm around him and said hey hunny and my grandpa laughed so hard. Then I looked at an imaginary person to my right and said 'hey, what are you looking at, my husband will beat you up' and Job said in a high voice with his fist up 'I'm gonna get you!' and then my grandpa laughed even harder.
After lunch Job and I went out in the canoe and I was being a bitch because it was his first time and we were running into bogs and stranding the canoe and I was telling Job no, don't do that. A few times in there I just stopped paddling and I didn't know why but I was in the worst mood. Finally we got to the lake lot and I showed him the place and we took a break and then hopped back in the canoe and made our way back and on the way back my mood was better. I'm sorry I took out my frustration on you hunny. Then we immediately started mucking again because as everyone in my family knows 'she waits for no one' and she was already making her way back down to the lake to muck alone. Job and I ran inside and got dressed in our crappy clothes again and we hurried back down there because we felt horrible she was going to do it alone. It was kind of funny though because when we were coming back Job said 'Wouldn't we feel horrible if your grandma was out there by herself?' and we came back just in time.
Then we mucked another hour and a half. While I was water weeding I stared at Job while he raked the heavy loads of caitail and muck with a pitch fork (earlier he'd broken a different fork because he was towing too heavy a load and the fork just busted where the wood meet the metal fork but it wasn't his fault). Finally after about half an hour of staring at him he asked me what I was staring at. I kind of laughed and looked down and he kept asking if he had muck all over his face or something distracting and funny but it wasn't that at all. All I could say was I loved him and that's why I was staring. When I looked at him I was just so overwhelmed with my love for him I couldn't help but stand there and be all goofy. Some times I'll look at Job and my heart will skip a beat and I really have to stop and wonder why he's with me. He's so amazing and I hope he realizes how much I truely love him and I always will. I'm his baby and he's mine and I'm never letting go.
Sorry if my insesant rambling bothered anyone who read this but I just couldn't stand another second without professing my love. Until another time...
Mandy ~ 12:09 PM