~The Music of My Life~

Friday, October 28, 2005

Busily Preoccupied

*Announcement*

No one try to schedule anything with me, I'm busy. I've scheduled myself full for the next few weeks with a terrific therapist that goes by the name of Mandy Crawford. She's usually really good at helping all of her other "patients" (whom one may call friends) with their... dilemmas and now I've booked her to help me because no one else will... HAHAHA! Not even a professional that deals with 'me's' all the time doesn't have time for another. Darn, well I've never researched therapy under one's alter ego so here goes!

Leave me alone.

*Exception of a male named Job A. Morton

Mandy ~ 12:18 AM

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

The Paragon of Everything I am Not

Chris wonders why I up Katie so much by talking about her and how gorgeous she is and everything... Idk, maybe I can't see her life but the grass is greener on the other side? It's not that I want Kt because I don't, well not like that at least. I just wished I had some better attributes like her... She's so smart and pretty and even if she says she isn't, she appears to be completely confident in who she is.

We had another essay in Eng Comp today and nothing was registering. Nothing, I couldn't even make sense of the story that Lois read. It didn't even sound like English. I'm so tired and not sleeping well and yes, Kaitlin hate me now, extremely and entirely depressed but I can handle it on my own, right? It's what I've always done... acted cheery and pleasant and sobbed in the shower and other enclosed, secret places. It's the way I kept friends because I don't keep friends by bitching about my meaningless life.

Anyway, I couldn't compose a single thought that wasn't in jumbled verse so I took my torment elsewhere, specifically downstairs into the bathroom where I started crying, next when I was on the walkway where I continued crying, then when I got up to drawing class when others saw my face, my tears and Tommy and Steph smothered me and I cried some more, walked into class and saw my backpack wasn't a sufficient marker of what desk I'd chosen, grabbed it and ran while crying, went into the bathroom again, cried, walked outside on the far path that took me to the parking lot and cried while I walked across to the other path that led back around to the front of the AT and then I walked down the road to the UTC and past the hot guy that has no significance from my Eng class, went upstairs, saw Teresa, made her upset and then I continued to cry, called for my mom to pick me up, apologized that I wouldn't be in for workstudy and cried so that I had to go into the bathroom there and then sat out by the fireplace and waited and five minutes and two tour groups of new students later I decided showcasing myself wasn't helping so I left and starting walking to the entrance on the road and ran into my mom about 10 minutes after that where I, cried more.

take my torment
away, pay the rent
of a face
that fit in place
of my own
hide
what's shown
i cried
inside
fake happy
i lied

don't worry

about me

sorry
make null
that i'm not glee-
ful

So, forget about me.

Mandy ~ 1:18 PM

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

*Yawn* Call

I'm so tired because I was talking on te phone until 12:30 and the student development center just called. They had to cancel my appt. because Janice is sick today... Then they put me on hold and I tried not to fall back to sleep lulled by some bad elevator music. She came back on the phone and gave me all the times 12, 1, 3 on Tuesdays and Thursdays and it just so happens even though I only have one class and work study that I only go to school from 11:10-3:30 on Tues. and Thurs. so none of the times worked for me. She said she could schedule me with John but I declined telling her I'd be ok and that it was nothing when I was really thinking 1) I had him for a class and he used me as an example of a depressed person, which would be extremely embarassing if I ended up in his counseling and 2) I'm extremely not comfortable talking about a lot of the things with a male.

So there you have it, no counseling for me but there are people out there who have it worse off than I do so I shouldn't complain. I can deal with this...

Mandy ~ 9:22 AM

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

The Bovarian Butt Dance...

Haha, I remember the day Kate, Dad, and me were regraveling the driveway up at the rental house and we had to stomp it all down and we all made up dances... Kate's was the Armenian Ass Levetation, Dad's was the Bovarian Butt Dance, and mine was... errr, the Slovakian Slut Shake, hehe. The funny thing was all we were doing was stomping up and down... it was all the same but it made it more interesting and less like work when we had fun with it especially after we filled up the truck ourselves with the gravel. Kate, Dad, and I took turns shoveling it into the bed of the truck and then we took turns shoveling it out and raking it about.

I just decided to recap that because the other day Sarah, Mom, and me completely regraveled our entire driveway... exhausting. It's also funny because earlier this summer we regraveled the farm driveway, my parents and me... I was the only person to help regravel all three driveways... weird. NOT.

I'm last priority but first to lend a helping hand, sound about fair? *sigh* I even help out when I have homework and other things I have to do and then I end up staying up until 3 am doing what I need to do but it's ok because I seem to have some lovely insomnia as of lately anyway. I'm supposed to take a sleeping pill tonight but I don't want to.

I probably shouldn't type this in here but I've seeked help... I went to the student development center and made an appt. with Janice Kanyusik... it's so weird how they all go by first names at the college. I went there and didn't know her name so I asked to schedule an appt. with Mrs. Kanyusik and the woman looked at me like I was an alien. She then asked "Janice you mean" and I said "Yes, Janice Kanyusik" almost as if to apologize that I would be so rude as to call her Mrs.

SO... My point was that I took this class, College Success and I aced it ok? Well I learned a lot of things and I figured what good is the class and what I learned in it if I don't use it? One of the things that brought this to my attention is that I've been having problems and I've been internalizing them because you guys don't need my shit on your plate as well as your own even though I completely open myself for everyone else to heap theirs on my plate. I just can't handle it anymore and to cut it short one of the tips was to know when and how to ask for help and I did that. I may not get to talk to her for another couple of weeks but I got my appt. and I'm going to give her fair warning and then I'm going to completely turn her world upsidedown for an hour, I might even be late for my class but if I have to wait two weeks to get that appt. I'm going to use it and hopefully it might help. Hoping to at least cure this insomnia...

I'll be fine... don't worry about me.

Mandy ~ 10:50 PM

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Net Worth...

Tonight I finally decided to figure the net worth of Varlea in EQ (she's my main char, screw the others). So Varlea, my lvl 50 high elf mage is worth 23,000 pp (platinum) which is crazy insane and that's only the items she has on herself and her raw money in the bank... I've already transferred money from her to my cleric because Shiaku Kurauo is pooor... yes, so poor you have to spell it with 3 o's! I also just donated a few worthy items to my guild bank so the lower lvls in my guild can enjoy a few nice things. Var also has about 6 eight-slot bags of items at her disposal and three sought after augmentations... and you can only get augs if you loot them, you can't buy them or trade, you must kill the creature of that high lvl to get an aug and usually you can only fight such high mobs with a full grp and then you have to roll to get the aug and if you have bad luck it goes to another person who rolled a higher number out of a random 100 (/ran 100 is the key to play this rolling game).

So I'm thinking if Var sold all of her equip and bank items (I'd never do!) she'd have enough money to buy the 2nd drogmor or horse... Right now I can buy the 1st horse at 8.4 k pp but I don't want a horse, I WANT A DROGMOR! Muwhahahaha, you all read this thinking I might write something pertaining to my personal life that wasn't EQ because I've never written an EQ post, take that!

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.eqsummoners.com/eq1/images/blackdrogmor.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.eqsummoners.com/eq1/horses-library.html&h=175&w=284&sz=8&tbnid=3askBak0hC4J:&tbnh=67&tbnw=110&hl=en&start=2&prev=/images%3Fq%3Ddrogmor%26svnum%3D10%26hl%3Den%26lr%3D

Mandy ~ 4:53 AM

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Unbelievably Pissed

Ok, ever since my sister, Sarah got home it's been all about her and how her 8-month relationship disintegrated... I was dealing with it just fine and trying to help her even though my 19-month relationship had gone bub-bye as well. So, in essence I was ignoring my own problems to help her through hers and furthering her self obsession with the whole situation. Everyone has been fawning over her and... Kate has been the only one to try to help me with mine... when, newsflash for those who can't do math, I was with my bf twice as long, and for the most part, the relationship was wonderful and it seemed whenever I saw Sarah and Blaise together they were fighting so it's not like there weren't indications.

Getting to the point... as I said I've been sucking up to her majorly, I even let her eat some of my chocolates from Job *sigh* Those were some great chocolates (that everyone ate, grrrr, my dad helped himself to them when I wasn't around) so we see where I stand in the house. Well last night I went bowling with some peeps and was having an ok time until Mickey got sick but she didn't want to ruin anyone else's time because she was nice so Ben took her home. The major thing that ruined my life was Sarah throwing a tissy that Blaise didn't show up... as if he'd want to show up when he knows his obsessive ex-gf is going to be there, waiting for him. So, she just wouldn't bowl, talk to anyone, pouted, and just threw the ball, and then would sit back down. I tried to cheer her up by dancing, being stupid, trying *key word* to hug her, and almost anything else until I just gave up because it was only getting worse and then she got her way by making us go home... when we'd taken my car there... and it was my car that Ben drove back Mickey in...

Well today Sarah saw Blaise but I know none of the details except for the fact when she came home she was bawling, again so I tried to hug her and she pushed and smacked me away so I just went away. I tried not to let the fact that my sister didn't like me but did like taking out her problems on me bother me but it was hard. Later I went upstairs to get something to eat and walked into the kitchen and Sarah and Ben were sitting at the table and Ben said "Get the fuck out" and so I walked out of the patio doors and sat down on the steps at the far end of the porch and just cried because I felt like shit. Then my mom walked out of the garage and I wiped my face and pretended like I was ok and walked back into the house via front door. I continued in going downstairs and screwing around on the pc, doing absolutely nothing until my father came down and said Ben and Sarah left in Mickey's car. Then I figured it was ok to go upstairs and get some food and as I walked past a front entry window I realized they'd taken my car...

Not Mickey's car OR even Sarah's car (which, would've been the logical thing, in having no obstructions to getting out of the driveway). I was furious.

My car is the only thing I fully own. I've paid for EVERYTHING. Then I found out after asking that my father told Ben he could take my car without asking me. Now, I wouldn't have been (and still am) so pissed had 1. Ben and/or Sarah asked me first (I still would've said 'no' and the common sense answer of 'take Sarah's car' 2. They hadn't been treating me like less than a human... no, that's what Shadow is and they've always treated her better... 3. They at least had the common decency to fucking fill up my tank (I just completely filled it the other day) after running it down.

Then, I got too upset to stay because they'd been gone for 2 hours by the time I found out it was my car they'd taken and I had no means of leaving so I called up Job and told him I needed to get away from my house and the ppl in it (discluding Kate and Mom, and Mickey was actually nice, considering she was shocked and let me use her cell to try to contact them to no avail). Job came by and picked me up. We ended up spending the rest of the day together and just talking and then going to the talent show, which was extremely unfair in judging (Mike, you so got jipped)... how the hell did Ellen and Chet get 1st?! That was disgusting.

Anyway... when I finally came home I saw my car had arrived... safely, I don't know because Sarah and Ben both totalled the two cars my daddy bought them when they started driving, not to mention the rents have covered their insurance since they started driving (one of all things I've paid for myself)- again, 5 yrs for Ben, 7 yrs for Sarah of insurance-free driving. So when I came in the house I asked my mom if she talked to Sarah and Ben about what they did and she just looked at me and said 'yes'- like, it didn't work. I looked at Sarah in the far recliner and asked for an apology and she asked 'an apology for what' and I said 'for stealing my car' and she said 'it's not like I drove it away and never returned' and I said 'no, but it's like you took it without asking for 4 hours, didn't say where you went with it, treated me like absolute shit, and never even felt like replacing the gas you used' and she said 'not like you can even drive it anyway and besides, I'm messed up in the head' and I said 'Suprise Suprise, but you aren't the only one and ever since you came home the fucking world has been revolving around you because you're too selfish to care about anyone else who just might be having problems'.

That's when I stopped because I could've gone on to say something like 'How could you think your 8-month relationship was any more meaningful than my 19-month relationship when Job and I rarely fought and when we did it wasn't serious nor prolonged' but then that would've sounded like some kind of a competition, but in no way did I want it to be like that just that, other people are hurting beside her and she's going to have to realize that if she ever wants to be seriously involved with someone that they're most likely not going to deal with a fucking snob who's so self-centered that she snubs her own family. UNLESS... she finds someone else as self-centered as her, or more, if it's even possible to treat her like absolute shit so she has just an idea of what it's like to be where I am... *her self-centeredness has begun to rub off on me*

Mandy ~ 10:46 PM

Pass Me the Pain...

"And so it is"

You were never too good for me.

I love you.

Mandy ~ 12:27 AM