~The Music of My Life~

Monday, January 30, 2006

sadfhkl;adf

Ok, so I can't always put my feelings into words anymore so I make up words and combine words that aren't even similiar, and maybe I talk jibberish (seriously, I'm soo sorry Job you were there when I got that bad, I don't even remember if not for you telling me), my headaches that make me ultra-sensitive to light and sound and get so bad I white out and choke back vomit, and maybe I get too weak to even stand, I lose my appetite on the smallest whims for days at a time and then become famished and eat everything in sight, and maybe I just randomly pass out and have little twitches (ok, big very noticable seizures) and maybe I even coughed up some blood yesterday and funnily all of these things tend to keep me awake, go figure, BUT I don't want to go to the doctors!

asdkhf;ahfd;afadf! Randomly all these symptoms just keep compiling and it's really aggravating me that none of them go away. Ok, fine give me the head-splitting headaches but then make the nausea go away or let me be 99% I can't think of the word and it makes me want to scream out of frustration... my cognitive majobys, give em back now. Or I'm really going to start using the words I make up like slunched today and coradode. It's just funny that I have so many symptoms

As for the apology to Job... I really upset him the other night when I got one of my headaches and I was in and out of consciousness and I guess I was talking jibberish, seizing, and crying in my sleep and he asked me why and I said pain. Yea, if the roles were switched I would've gotten upset too, but I know they aren't going to find anything wrong. It's just side effects from my concussion 14 months ago.

The only reason I'm typing this crap in here is because I think (when I'm not insane or whatever, complacent, there we go) I might be around one of you guys some time and have a seizure and I don't want you to get scared over nothing. That and I hate telling people in person because then they tell me they're sorry and they feel bad and I don't want none of that crap either. Ok, thanks for caring but I dislike pity, a lot. So thanks for letting me ramble on and get my aggressions and frustrations out because it's really been eating me up. Have a nice night.

Mandy ~ 10:53 PM

Just Another Annoyance

A comment directed at me on someone else's comments... nice eh?

Andy said...
So your posting what you think is someone elses' opinions secondhand? What the fuck does that accomplish? And yeah mandy, your stupid, we get it, its a general concencus. But hey mandy, at least you get to kiss some ass, who knows maybe if you do it enough you can get some more pussy, we know your all for that so what can it hurt? Oh, and travel to a real college town if you want to see some really hot college chicks, I would recomend Mad town or Lacrosse.

I'll defend myself on here instead of using Kt's blog to do so. Wow, general concencus eh, guess someone else has been doing some backtalking to figure that out? As I said, I'm no longer here to please people but there were always people that never liked me to begin with, ever. I mean, people who just judge me without even knowing me and I can honestly say I've never had a single conversation with someone who calls me stupid andy. Hmmm, I'd say that'd be making a decision without any prior knowledge besides how the surface appears and if that's the case then you're really stupid. Kiss ass in reference to teachers? Hahahaha, I'll leave that to the people who like to do that... but then again you've never talked to me because the only times I ever saw you was when you were playing that stupid card game. Oh it's soooo strategic and before you can say I'm judging something without knowing it, I've played them and they're extremely stupid to me. Pussy? When did I ever get pussy? I kissed Jasmine once, without tongue, a quick peck and it actually felt kind of weird but we both joked it off because we're really good friends and nothing more.

I'm 100% (I would say 110% straight but then I'd be wrong, one more thing for you to bitch about) S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T. I love Job and part of the reason is because he's a man, guy, male, whatever, that's what I love and want. What can a female offer me besides friendship? Nothing because I'm not attracted to females that way and I never will be. Wow, you give a girl a quick peck and all of a sudden you're a lesbian. You know in some cultures that's acceptable, no expected but I guess in this one you're up for criticism by sexist people like andy. Well at least I haven't cirlce-jerked with my guy friends, yea, that's really a straight thing... Oh, Amanda's smarter than she looks, she hears things and knows things... and you know what andy, I wouldn't look down on you if you were gay even though I'm not a lesbian or bi-sexual or anything besides a heterosexual.

Oh, I know what the problem is... Even a straight girl like me can get more action from a hot woman than you, which is the sad thing because I'm not the one that wants it. *shrugs* I guess you can go back to your dorm and convince yourself that you're smart or attractive or something that you're really not lacking because after all you have something to prove by trying to critisize me like that. *shrugs*

Anyway, I had a fun time today, I went out to my grandparent's because it was my grandpa's and Aunt Karen's birthday today. I got three kinds of cake, boo yah! And their new neighbor children came and they all hugged me. They're so cute, Chase and Caitlynn are 8 and Nicolas is 4 and he has a double crown at the back of his head so he has a natural mohawk and he's also a redhead and it's soooo cute! They were having snow fights and making forts and they even made cards for grandpa which was so sweet of them. They're from texas or something but they're extremely polite and really nice.

Hmmm, it's 1:40 am here and I have to wake up in a few so I'm thinking I should go to sleep... Job's calling me after little Hodag's wrestling tomorrow. I wished I could go and help out like I did last year but I have tons of homework. It was so funny when I was keeping score and throwing the towel when one match started one kid ran away from the other who proceeded to chase him around and around the mat. John and I were laughing so hard!

That reminds me of earlier when Mickey put in her "girl cd" on the way to Mae n Red's and Ben was making fun of it and he sang to the Natalie Imbrueglia song "Torn" and he even made these funny hand gestures and tossed his head like he had long hair. I laughed so hard it hurt! Mmm, listening to "Forca" by Nelly Furtado, just wanna dance. I love the ability to brush off negativity. Deal and drop it. "It is the soundtrack of your ever flowing life, it is the wind beneath your feet that makes you fly".

"Imagine there's no countries,It isn't hard to do,Nothing to kill or die for,No religion too,Imagine all the peopleliving life in peace..." A Perfect Circle "Imagine"- Great song.

Mandy ~ 1:22 AM

Monday, January 23, 2006

Kind of Weird

So I was just sitting here, watching tv instead of doing my chemistry, haha, yea... I'm going to do it after this blog. I decided I wanted chocolate icecream and so I got some but weird thing... I couldn't taste or smell it! I ate it all but it was like... not even like drinking water because even water has a taste, believe it or not! It felt like I was eating cold, wet, air... I know, you're thinking I'm really stupid right now but I thought it was weird and I looked up the symptom online because I was curious and (don't worry, not like you're going to) but I found all of my recent and not-so-recent symptoms were listed under one thing... a brain tumor. Wtf, my constant headache (not even headaches, just one constant one, forever), seizure, nausea, vision problems(not so bad but I've noticed I can't really focus on anything, it'll just all blur out and makes my headache worse), problems with weakness in the face, arms, hands, or legs (for the past week I've felt so weak it's hard just taking stairs and I feel like I'm going to pass out from exhaustion if I run or jog anywhere for any amount of time), and behavioral problems. The last one I just recently got but ok, don't think I'm weird here... Job was over yesterday and I kept clawing, like idk why either but I wanted to sink my nails into something, ok not even want, my hands just kept tensing up and I'm sure it really annoyed Job because it annoyed me. My emotions are like... one moment I'll be fine but then if someone says the smallest thing I just snap and I don't even care! It's really stupid and I've always been paranoid but the day Job showed up in the UTC I snapped at him and I thought Teresa hated him... then today she said Job seems like a very nice guy and Teresa is the sweetest woman alive, I don't think she has the capability to hate anyone or thing. Anyway, don't worry about this, I'm sure I'm just being a, oh, what does Kaitlin call me, a uhhh omg! derrr (great, cognitive problems also on the list of symptoms... hard time remembering words like the other day or was it today in geography I said something about south africa and I was trying to explain why I put it in it's own region and I said it's like europe because I couldn't remember what I was going to say and then when I said europe it sounded like uuuurope and I felt soooo stupid) anyway, I can't remember what they call those people but they always think they have a sickness I think... idk, I'm confused. Crap, I have to do my chemistry. askd;fha;kdas;d... the only way I can express myself, this is sad.

Mandy ~ 11:01 PM

If Only...

If only I wasn't offended when someone said the college I was going to was for stupid people, if only I didn't do stupid things that upset Job and my family, if only I knew how to be more tactful in what I say and realize that my only nazi teacher thinks lower of me because I don't drive and he thinks it's because of something I did when really it's because of something I didn't do, which leads me to the if only I bitched and complained more about not having a license so my parents would go driving with me instead of being compassionate when there's sooooo much shit going on in my family (that I will never discuss with anyone else besides maybe Job because it's really irrellevant and better kept to oneself anyway) that I shouldn't bother them further with my annoyance and embarassment that I'm almost 20 and I still don't have my license and further yet, I do have my own car, which leads me to the funny thing that my dad refers to it as theirs (my parents) when I was the one who bought and paid for everything except for the 3rd key that my dad had made without even asking me because he thinks I'm soooo irresponsible that I'd lose it... one key in my purse, one on my desk in my bedroom, and one either on the hook or in the car unlocked itself (the last truly depends on when last someone else besides myself drove the car) .

I'd like to say a few things and hopefully not make Kt feel bad even though she inadvertently did so unto me... About Nicolet... it's a college, yes the Dean's List is only at a 3.5 as compared to a 3.75 at the UW's but... Nicolet is not a UW and if it were, you would not have been accepted and you should be thankful for that because you were on the brink of not being so. Here's another thing... and I know because I work in a position where I have come to learn (and maybe even find out although I should not for I am a student) certain things through my elders and professors. Your teachers were very generous (like Lois) with you because they genuinely care and yes, another difference of the UW is exactly that. Nicolet allows late students and I help the professors with them... bet you didn't know that. I have to go out of my way to do extra things for students not enrolled on time so they are accomodated. I would never have said a word had you not referred to Nicolet as a "stupid" college but I like it there, and I deeply appreciate the work that is done for I have to do quite a bit of it myself and have appreciation for the sympathetic professors that are lenient for students like you and who may even consider the college to be a joke under one's standards but it is not.

I remember sometime within the first week Lois mentioning something about the quality and standard of Nicolet and there are differences being a community college and there always will be differences between that and a UW but any UW accepts all transferable credits from Nicolet showing that Nicolet is at the standard of the UW's. I really shouldn't be writing this because Kt is going to end up feeling worse but as I said in a recent post I'm no longer writing/am here to please and accomodate others. I write these words of thoughts and feelings from my knowledge and my heart and I wholly believe them in their entirety. I was deeply offended by Kt's comment and I'm not going to take it inside of myself where I'll let it devour me as I often have in the past. Maybe you think 'Well, I should take that up with Kt personally' and you might be right, but ever since I've told anyone I'm going to Nicolet I've gotten some acceptance but a lot of sneers of disgust, looks of shock, and looks of "she's going nowhere" and it's time I've publicly or at least to those of my friends that have this blog, defend my choice for I believe it was the best, beyond any UW that I can; not afford, would have a hard transition, and probably not be able to cope with it alone.

Until I find my... je ne sais quoi... hmmm, my niche, my little boca raton (slice of paradise) I know that where I am is where I'm supposed to be for now.

Mandy ~ 1:08 AM

Friday, January 20, 2006

Addiction

I seek solace
In the dull
Maybe to miss
The lull
For my mind
Won’t unwind

Avoid
The substance
Paranoid
I glance

Hearing each tick
Only the clock
Making me sick
Monotony mocks
My head
Missing its place
On the bed

Between the sheets
Something I hear
Quiet sounds discrete
Yet, it instills fear

Mandy ~ 12:24 AM

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Damn!

Just as I start a new quarter you hs-ers are finishing yours! I have Life Drawing, Chemistry, Eng 2, and World Regional Geography. Chemistry is like 4 hours long with no break but Mark is hilarious and so perverted! I made the class laugh a few times with random comments. At my main table I sit with Dwight Webb, Becky Berth, and Anthony Padgett because they're the only peeps I know! I'm excited to see who's in my Eng 2 and Geog. classes. I know for sure Kt is in my Geog. class and we have the same Eng class, same teacher, different time ;p of course. We're already making alcohol in Chemistry, it was our first lab today. Mmm, we need a 4th model for art and I told Becky and Dwight about it and they're both interested because it pays $20-25/ hour. It'd be a little weird drawing someone I know only because Bob said 97% of the time we're drawing from nude models. I think Becky really wants to model though even though Bob would prefer a male because the model that moved away was a male and then we'd be unequal on the ratio of male to female.

Hmmm, Job had a meet today and he just called and we made plans to hang out tomorrow. I'm pretty sure we're going to go ring shopping for him so I can buy him a ring to match mine. I still have to buy my geog. book which is like $87 the seller said but it may have gone up and it's so stupid because it's maybe half an inch thick and a paperback. *sigh* The expenses of that crap (well not the ring, I don't mind the ring). I was so happy to see Job last night because I hardly ever get to see him and even though he smelled of fast food and had just eaten 3 burgers with onions I still kissed him even though I hate onions and the smell of them!

I have to wake up early tomorrow to work and then for school. Job has off so he's going to pick me up and that's pretty much what I'll be looking forward to because my body is running on next to nothing. I've been having these really weird dreams and I've been spitting in them, literally... So far this past week I've woken myself up twice from spitting on my own arm in my sleep. I've never done that in my life and I guess it means...

To spit in your dream, signifies an aspect of yourself that you need to get rid of. Alternatively, spitting may represent anger and contempt.

I want to know what that's all about... I don't feel angry, only about one thing... Two of my black thongs that were in Ben's bedroom (where I had been sleeping prior to him coming home) magically disappeared after him and Mickey left... I only have three thongs because my mom threatened that she'd cut up any if she ever found them so after my kickass rhinestone one disappeared I decided to be secretive about it and by keeping them in Ben's room my mom would think they were Mickey's if she did find them. So, to cut the story short I fessed up to my mom about having them and thinking Mickey took them and she said she wouldn't put it past her but who the heck would take someone else's thongs? I try to tell myself since that's all that she wears that maybe she honestly thought they were hers and grabbed them on accident?

Either way it makes me angry because one pair was given to me by Job and the other fit perfectly, looked great, and felt wonderful. Grrr. *sigh*

I'm sooo tired and I don't want to wake up tomorrow. Maybe I should take the codine, no. No, no no no no. Bad. I can't take that stuff because it makes me sleep all day. It shuts down my mind and stops my bad dreams. It just knocks me out. Kills my sensible thoughts but not some of the unsensible ones... I can't give in to it, it's a drug, I'm above that and what it does to me. I stopped taking it before the drs. orders but I can't anymore, not for my own good. What the hell did they think was going to happen to me after putting me on that shit for the third time?!

I swear doctors make addicts so they have garenteed patients... regardless they will, people are weak and dumb.

Mandy ~ 10:50 PM

Monday, January 16, 2006

One Lost Cause... Or a Cause Never Found?

I think the latter. I'm fine with how my life is and my friends and I don't need more and if I happen to make some then great but I'm sick of pretending to be friends with people that I don't like and/or people that don't really like me. Acquiantances... Hmpf.

Anyway, I like to laugh because now Job's at like 24 and 4 for wrestling and if he wins 6 more matches then his name will be put up on the board at RHS. That's not why I want to laugh though... I'm slightly confused and I probably shouldn't be writing this in here but I'm stupid and I trust people. When Job came up and sat next to me at the Medford meet at one point Eddy saw us and happened on up and sat on the other side of me. Yay, Amanda sandwhich between two great wrestlers, haha.

Eddy saw a lose hair from me on my upper leg and went to pick it off and Job jumped him all like "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!". I laughed and said "It's ok Job. He was just taking a hair off from my pants" and I thought nothing more of it. Eddy asked how the love life was and I laughed and said great and asked him and he was like yea yea, it's good and I asked "Did you pork her yet?" and he turned red and said he didn't. I just had to say that because it embarasses him that I found out him and Brady made a bet last year about whether or not Job "porked" me. I also have another great story on him that he told me himself and he turns about 10 shades of crimson when I mention that one!

I love embarassing Eddy but good times we've had like at one of the track meets and he sat next to me on the bus and was eating fried chicken and offered me some but instead I took his drink and he said "Good, you can hold it for me woman!" and then Makris freaked out and made the guys and girls split up and girls got the back for once! Eddy made a big deal out of it saying something like "But the woman's holdin my drink" and he knows I hate sexist guys and he loves to joke like that around me because he knows just how to push my buttons. Edwin, you little weasle.

Then when we got to the meet we ran the track twice, which is the same size as RHS's track (can't remember what school) and then we were stretching out and Eddy touched me and screamed "Oh no! I got Amanda pregnant!" Then the guys were playing football and I grabbed the football from Kyle and pretended like it was Eddy's and my baby and I remarked at how he took after his father in the looks department and Eddy took the football from my arms and threw it and I made a big deal about how he treats his children and he just laughed and whatever.

I remember meeting Eddy... we had a Science class together and he was all up in my face about how I was a Senior and so much better than him and I asked him what his beef was and finally he got to know me and was nicer to me. Eddy... I think he just wants to be accepted and it's weird because he doesn't even go to the parties... he admitted to me that he's never gone to a single party and I thought it was really weird because he's... Eddy Stefonik. I remember dancing with Wes and having this hot picture where Wes was holding my leg up around his waist I think my freshman year at Homecoming when Wes was a Senior?

Anyway, so Eddy's been cool and whatnot but then later in the day (at the Medford meet) he did something weird that made me wonder. It was the end of the meet and I was just messing with him and he had said after Job got done wrestling "Lets go get naked, Job" and everyone laughed because when Eddy's at a meet he's 100% focus and raw muscle waiting to take down his next opponent and so far he's undeafeated and then once the meet's over he's playful Eddy again. Then after Eddy came in from the showers Job was still taking his and I asked Eddy where his shower partner was and he just shrugged and sat down on Bradon Lewis's mom's lap, which was hilarious.

I stayed up in the stands and saw Job come in and sit in front of his mom and she rubbed his back and shoulders and it was so cute so I just decided to hang back and let them have some time together seen as whenever I'm around him he ignores everyone else. I even got a woman from another school (Edgar I believe, purple was their color...) to cheer for Job when he was wrestling, which was really cool and I ended up talking to her a lot even though I didn't know her but it was cool. I noticed Job picking something out of Pam's hair and thought it was cute that he was grooming her in a way and then he noticed me and practically ran up the bleachers and laid on top of me.

I asked him later about what was in Pam's hair and he said he was eating a cookie and he asked her where I was and he spit a chunk of cookie in her hair and it was so funny because then Pam told me in the car on the ride home saying "Yea, I thought he was picking out a fuzz and then he told me he spit in my hair" and then Dana quipped in "Nice to know what your son thinks of you". It was just funny all the way home because the three of us (Job has to take the bus home) got into a bunch of topics, one being gossiping and Dana lecturing Pam not to gossip because Pam was asking me if I'd heard anything and she'd told me what she'd heard lately about anything. Then about the gangreen (sp.) carrot and how Pam was slowly poisoning Dana with ranch dressing and all sorts of funny things.

Anyway, back to the weird thing with Eddy... When Job pulled me down to where everyone else was, we were all just standing there and I kept pulling off Eddy's hat which wasn't even on his head because he was trying to be funny again by leaving it hang off funnily. Then I was just standing there and teasing him and lightly kicking his shoulders. I almost drifted off when I felt something in my uhhh crotchital region... and I looked down and it was Eddy's foot and my eyes got wide and I said "You can't hurt me, I'm not a guy" and he said "Wasn't trying to, I was just teasing you"... and by the time he'd said the second half I'd already punched him (not that hard) and Job who was off in his own little dream world turned and said "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY GIRLFRIEND?!" and Eddy and I just looked at him and I said "I think he was trying to see if I was a guy or not" while laughing and then Job punched Eddy who laughed at my joke because Job didn't find it the least bit funny.

SO... here I sit wondering why Eddy put his foot in my uhhh crotch and telling me he was teasing me... Once I jokingly gave him a link to my hotornot site and he said on msn "Woah, you're smoking, I gave you a 10!" and I was kind of embarassed and jokingly said "Oh, thought you'd give me a 1 or something since no one would ever compair to Kelsey" (his gf). He just said "Naw, just because I'm with her doesn't mean I can't look at other women" and I quickly changed the topic because it had become uncomfortable and weird. Job thinks Eddy was just messing with me and I hope he's right...

Because, if not, I think I'm going to cry that the only guy friend I've ever had that hasn't hit on me is gay. Why is it that when you get close to a guy that you're not going out with and you share things with him that he thinks you want him/you think he's hot? Why would anyone want a weirdo like me besides my perfect weirdo mate, hehe. I love you Job, my hunny and I hope you're right.

Mandy ~ 11:37 PM

Thursday, January 12, 2006

I Wonder...

How is it that I invite my friends to things and even when I'm not allowed to have any more people come to something *cough* like Job's party *cough* and I'm never invited anywhere in return? Oh well. I guess I shouldn't put myself out there because that's how you get hurt. I should just stick with Job. Who cares about having girls to hang out with? It's just that... idk, I've never really had any girl friends besides Jasmine and Suzie for short amounts of time, and both of them ended up moving away. All of my other girlfriends are just acquaintances that I just happen to talk to sometimes and at most maybe once a week? Guys have always been better friends to me. I'm beginning to remember one of the reasons I was shunning "friends" in the first place. Someone could say "well, we had it planned to just be us" and I could say "well, Job's party was supposed to only be couples and then, only because I'm nice, I let your friend come even though she wrote a mean comment about me and never apologized."

I hate being nice and I honestly can't do it anymore. No, I'm going to start taking care of myself more now that I've been... put down and left out.

I'm a toy
Under the bed
No longer enjoyed
I rest my head...

Disclaimer: I do not wish to start any crapola. These are my feelings and mine alone and although I take full responsibility for writing them, they are my feelings and I will not regret channeling them into words instead of tucking them away and pretending I'm ok.

P.S. If any of you get mad, I should not be punished for my feelings and that's how I became a human doormat in the first place (by being a slave to other's feelings) and I've even gotten advice from people who do walk on me to stand up for myself. This is MY blog and I can write whatever and whenever I want and that's why I have it and if it offends anyone (even though I have not mentioned specific names) then... it does. I'm no longer here to try to make everyone else, with the exception of myself happy. I'm done pleasing others at my own cost.

Mandy ~ 10:49 PM

I Didn't Expect it...

Geez, what's with me? I always expect the worst and I guess I didn't for once and it bit me in the ass. I'm going back to the hospital tomorrow because I'm getting worse again. Hmmm...

Job came over tonight and he saw how I was... I kept going in the bathroom to errr... I'd like to call it clear my throat but really it's heaving up phleme so I can somewhat breathe and he still kissed me after that :S Talk about love. I was really happy to see Job tonight and seeing him made me realize something really weird and when I told him it really didn't come out right but he understood after some explaining. He, Job, feels like a part of me... and not just that I care about him and that stuff but that when he's around it's just an extension of myself like we're not two people, we're one. *narrows eyes and looks away* I really don't know how else to put it but as one identity, complete, ahhhh, he makes me feel complete when normally I feel half a person short. It sounds weird and it feels even weirder but in a good way. I wonder if any of you peeps that read this blog know I have a myspace blog...

ANYWAY, another topic... Sarah's been working my workstudy hours for me because Teresa needed assistance with office work and I'm sick so I'm paying Sarah to work my job for me, which really doesn't do anything for me. I've already paid her $27 for working 4 hours... (my mom told me to take 1 out for tax- I make $7/hour). I don't have to work now but Teresa needed help so I let Sarah do the work. Then today, Sarah said real snobby 'You know, Teresa's going to need your help soon'. As if I didn't know. *rolls eyes* I would go in in a heartbeat and work my hours because I like working there and the time goes by very fast, only thing is... the bathroom is 4 flights of stairs and a hallway away when I need to get sick every 5 minutes. Even then, how am I going to accomplish anything while heaving my guts out? I'm sure Teresa wouldn't even want me there in this condition. Speaking of which, I need to go to sleep early tonight and I have to get sick, can't believe I lasted this long!

Mandy ~ 12:31 AM

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Can You Say Common Sense?

Well even if you can, Job's sister, Beka can't... I don't know why she does the things she does and how she thinks she's going to get away with them but... it's sad. She just called me, panicked. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that Job found out she was at a party and that she got trashed. She furthered the story in telling me it was all hard liquor (smirnof and other vodka) and she knew what she was doing or so she thinks, that when she woke up she couldn't remember anything and Ben (her new bf) said that she was all over him and begging him to have sex with her and he wouldn't, which is a good thing. She needs to learn a lesson and after April or so she calls her last incident, she said her parents would absolutely kill her if they found out she did it again. Beka also ended up getting completely smashed and not going to work the next day when she told Pam that it was because of a sore throat so Pam called in for her... Beka lied multiple times like that the party was being chaperoned even though Emma's dad wasn't there and she knew it.

I basically told her to tell the truth to her parents because it wouldn't be as bad as if they heard it from her over someone else. I said that no matter what, Pam and Dana will find out because Beka said there were 40 some people there and Emma's parents already found out, and it's better to hear it from her than a complete stranger. I personally don't want Job to tell them because he'll get yelled at, again even though it's true he'll still get in trouble. I'm taking the high road and instead of saying 'F U Beka for treating me like crap!' I'm telling her she has to take responsibility for her actions and that if she continues to do this it'll only get worse because one day Pam and Dana will wake up and realize 'Hey, Beka's not learning, maybe we should send her away' or something like that.

If Pam or/and Dana heard it from Job or me then that'd only get us caught up in Beka's mess and honestly, it wasn't fair of Beka to call me for advice when she doesn't deserve anything but a 'Fuck off' from me. I hate being the nice and forgiving one. Being the person I am has only given me one thing...

a one-way, straight flight ticket to being used and taken advantage of... maybe this time I'll remember to take pictures once I get there so I remember the consequences of being nice afterwards...

Mandy ~ 6:15 PM

525,600 Minutes...

"Moments so dear... How do you measure a year?"

How do you measure a year? Idk, just listening to the theme song from the movie/broadway musical Rent. Sarah and myself are going to see the theater performance in Appleton soon. I'm excited but anyway... tomorrow Sarah and me are going to Nicolet to pay our next semester's tuition and I'm happy because it's a new start. Last semester I got 4 A's and an A- and idk if I already said that but... there it is if I didn't and sry if I just repeated myself.

I also like this song... Out Tonight... "In the evening, I've got to roam, can't sleep in the city of neon and chrome, feels too much like home when the spanish babies cry" That's my favorite part in the whole song.

So guess what I did. I'm really sick and I took some Nyquil last night and I couldn't wake up all day today and I just found out why... I thought the cup I used was a little big... well, about a quarter of an inch up is 2 tbs. and that's the dosage I'm supposed to take... I filled the entire cup and chugged it... I took 6 times the dosage. Job called me at 11 am and I took it around 2 am and I could only talk jibberish to him and then after 2 minutes of trying to talk to me he gave up to let me go back to sleep so then I didn't wake up until like 3 and when I did I just kept turning over in my bed because my stomach hurt. Finally I got out of bed at 4 and got a pop tart and a water bottle and sat down on the love seat next to the tv because I remember Job saying he was stopping by before he went to work and usually he works 4-close but I guess he didn't work until 6. So then I fell asleep at about quarter to 4 because I said 'oh, he must've just skipped it and gone to work because I didn't sound good'. Then two hours later he showed up and tried to wake me up and I kind of woke up and he handed me my water bottle and I drank some and spilled more on myself. Then I got up and stumbled to the bathroom and then I got some brownie bites and brought them back to the couch where I ate them and struggled to stay awake although I kept falling asleep. Then Job left for work and I fell asleep again, off and on and then at 8 I woke up and watched Wild Fire with my mom and I've been up ever since... So I got... 16 hours of sleep, which is more sleep than I've gotten in the past week combined. If you figure it... says 'only take if you can devote a full 8 hours to sleep' and if I took 6 times the dosage... that's 48 hours of sleep, even though I know that isn't really equatable, but I'm still tired.

So, just thought that'd be a funny little story for anyone who knows me. Aside from that... the party was fun but it didn't turn out the way I expected... No one went in the hot tub until the day after when Job and I did before he took me home. Kayla ended up coming and sleeping in Kate's bed... If I ever do another sleep over with specific bedding I'm making it strictly RVSP because I don't like throwing that on whomever's house we're at... like Job's parents... and I don't like promising someone a bed and then having them end up sleeping on the floor even if they do say it's ok.

*sigh* Now I'm listening to Forca by Nelly Furtado and it's a really good dance song. Every time I hear it I can't help but move! Hmmm, what else to say... Yes, Chris you were right about Brad, thank you again even though I wished you would've come to the party but I guess you were too busy. Ended up being 4 girls and 2 boys... Kt and Kayla were each other's dates and we didn't even end up counting down the New Years. Oh well. I also stayed up until past 6 am cleaning everything up even though I really didn't mind because 40 Year Old Virgin bothered me a lot... The boobs... ahhh, way too many boobs... there's this one nasty part where the 40 year old virgin is trying to have sex with a girl and her boobs were like... sagging way down and yea... it was just gross. After that I just got up and started cleaning up after everyone. I only got two hours of sleep that night and then I got a cold or whatever this is... Pam just got over having strep throat so I really don't hope that's what this is.

Then Pam was up at 6 before I went to sleep and she was talking to me and she said she had to pick Beka up to take her to work. Then when Pam came home she told me about how there were swat guys with kevlar vests and rifles or whatever that had blocked off the entire street of which Beka was staying in one of the houses. Beka ended up being half an hour late for work because Pam couldn't get her. Then when Job took me home before he had wrestling practice there was yellow police crime tape completely surrounding this white house. It was really weird and kind of creeped me out like that stalker that I have from Nicolet that somehow got my e-mail addy and keeps sending me these e-mails saying 'make love with Nathan. Click here to join his network and see if you can make love with him'. Yea, that's pretty creepy if you ask me, he's already sent me 7 of them. *cringes*

SOAD, BYOB. "You depend on our protection, yet you feed us lies from the tablecloth... Everybody's going to the party having a real good time, Dancing in the dessert blowing up the sunshine". Mmmm, I love SOAD and I have for so many years. I'm so happy I have life drawing next quarter. I get to experience something new... drawing nude people in a studio! This is going to be interesting and hopefully fun. Speaking of Nicolet I have to wake up in 8 hours and this time I took the right dose even though it made me gag :p yuckies. Nyquil tastes like black licorice and black licorice is icky.

Mandy ~ 1:32 AM