~The Music of My Life~

Sunday, July 23, 2006

This Isn't What I Paid for...

Idk what's going on lately. I'm just sort of living and seeing what happens. Like if you put a little kid in a room with a bunch of buttons and leave them there. I'm just randomly pushing pretty and ugly colored buttons of different shapes and sizes for those of you who are perverts, I didn't mean it in that way whatsoever. Sorry Emily for not calling you because I have no idea what's been up with you and to be honest, I have no idea what I'm going to do next... I just do. I just push the... fuscia button! Next one will be that funny cow-shaped one. Don't ask, those last two sentences were completely random. Random like I've been, completely off the top of my head, brutally honest, running with scissors, the sort. One crazy assortment that I've lent to myself from high on the shelf...

So I think I went on a date last night with this guy. I highly doubt anyone knows him because he's from Tomahawk and he's my age but I went to Nicolet with him. Personally I feel horrible because Sarah proposed going to the movies to me at 8 when it started at 9 so I hopped in the shower and got dressed and then Kait and Ben informed me they were going as well and then Ben mentioned his friend, Andy. Idk... so I just said sure, why not, we're all going in a big group, no pressure or anything especially since I was trying to set up him and Katie at the last movies- Pirates 2 and they didn't even say one word to each other. So then I felt even worse and now I feel horrendous because I found out he likes me.

Basically it happened that it just ended up being Ben, Kait, Andy, and me and we went to Bitchen Kitchen and then back to our house and of course, Kait and Ben were all over each other so that made it somewhat awkward for Andy and me. At some point Andy started getting affectionate with me and first instinct was to just go with it because I finally didn't feel so empty... I was finally feeling something that didn't end up hurting me even more after the fact like the 3-hour jog I took yesterday and now today I can barely walk and I just took a vicodin an hour ago and all it did was hurt my stomach...

For the first time in a month I actually feel something other than pain. Even when I was with Reed on his bike I still felt a degree of emptyness even if I was feeling freed of my thoughts, like I was physically running from my emotional problems. Like I sat in my car and took off all of my problems and threw them in the back seat and I jumped out and onto that bike after locking the doors and just left them behind in that parked car. I know Reed doesn't like me back and if he does then he has a huge wall up because 1. He just broke up with his psycho gf that destroyed him 2. He knows nothing is going to work because he's going back to Oshkosh 3. After talking to me he thinks I'm some man eater...

I really like Reed but I think I might be because he's unobtainable but then there's Andy and I know he likes me and I'm not sure about it... I don't know him that well and idk... I'm just one confused little girl. Oh well, I'm living today and I'm making the decisions as I go because that's really all I can do... Hanging out at Andy's cabin actually sounds like a good time... All I know how to do is hurt people.

Mandy ~ 9:55 PM

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

What is This Place?

The "good byes" don't seem right, I want to say "hi" instead of "good night"

I'm sure anyone can figure out who this is about and if not... I'll give you a big hint... it's about...

Tonight I went with CHRIS for a ride on his new Suzuki Katana... Did you get the answer? haha. I'm desperately grasping, I seem to be lapsing... I have to stop writing poems. I just want to say that I'm so devoid and I feel like I'm just this shell of a person that can't be filled. It won't be filled and I'm latching unto Reed a.k.a. Chris, as an escape. Anyway... I basically wouldn't take no for an answer for the ride because I was supposed to go with him before work but he slept in so instead, I took Kait to Subway before work and she bought us food.

After work, when Reed was changing into pants, I badged out and parked my car next to his bike, grabbed the helmet, and my keys, and stood and waited next to his bike after I pulled my hair back into a braid. He came out and laughed when he saw me and I have the sneaking suspicion he's happy I waited and "demanded" the ride... Actually, I didn't have to say anything. He said "Ok, but a short one" and we put on our helmets and hopped on. I was a little nervous but it was extremely comfortable and I just sat up right behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist and then I let the wind drift over me. At one point I just closed my eyes and laid my head on the back of his shoulder, sighed, and let everything go. Everything except for his waist... that could've proven fatal. I'll keep the rest of my free thoughts to myself. I'm outta here and as Chris would say "Fooo Shooo!"

Mandy ~ 2:38 AM

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

That Song Drives Me Crazy, The Writers are Lazy

Anywho... I've been flying by the seat of my pants and you know what? ahda;sfdhsklas;d;fhas
I like it! I get to do whatever I want when I want with the exception of going to work and such but those are small details that take up 40+ hours a week. Other than that, Chris finally got his bike and it's gorgeous... it's the equivilent of HD's cobalt blue and oh, I found a pic online...

http://www.midwayclassics.com/images/Katana/04KatanaRF.JPG

and...

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.aboutstreetbikes.com/catalog/2000/suzuki/katana600/blue-thumb.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.aboutstreetbikes.com/catalog/2000/suzuki/katana600/index.htm&h=120&w=188&sz=9&hl=en&start=68&tbnid=LewJXP-QU_-L_M:&tbnh=61&tbnw=97&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dblue%2BSuzuki%2BKatana%26start%3D60%26ndsp%3D20%26svnum%3D10%26hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26sa%3DN

I want his bike so much... and I can't wait to go for a ride on the back of it! Tonight I asked if I could have a ride after work but he was on empty and he didn't want me to make my sister wait. Kait wants me to take a ride after work so she can sit in my car and Chris wants to take me before work for safety purpose? and I, myself could care less... I just want to ride the pretty crotch rocket... NOW, hehe. Chris also said I could have a ride any time I wanted so that means it's up for grabs Friday night... well technically, Saturday morning after we get off from work at 2 am *cringes* but a night ride would be amazingly fun and exhillirating... and I'm the biggest adrenaline junkie. Mmmm, adrenaline, my veins savor you like my mouth savors cheesecake, mmm or like Brandon and Amy savor babies blood, jk. They said it, not me, I just typed it, haha.

I like unwinding from work... it's like I actually feel like I deserve to just sit down and do whatever I want because I just put in an 8-hour shift. Like right now... I'm going to take out my contacts and wash my face... Mmmm, good hygiene is my friend :D

Mandy ~ 12:22 AM

Saturday, July 15, 2006

This is the Place

Where I should've been typing all of my recent blogs instead of myspace... Where I scare people away. No offense to those I've been close to lately, which has been a select few but I've realized I've been doing something since I've broken up with Job. I've been becomming friends with "unavailable" people. People that I know aren't going to ever get emotionally close enough to me to satisfy my need for companionship. It's mostly just been the people I work with (including majorly, Chris and Tom), and Katie. No offense Katie. So... basically after another month at Harley I will most likely never see those coworkers ever again hence... becomming friends with them is extremely temporary and I have to watch what I say so I can't be completely myself and confide in them because of how I got stabbed in the back last year.

Then there's Tom (my trainer) he's 35, single, and he has a kid and there's absolutely no attraction to him on my part and I'm not sure about him but he feels like a younger, more fun, less serious dad that I can pretty much talk with about anything. Seriously... how would I stay in touch with a man who's 15 years older and has a kid? We just get along so well and it's great because he just happened to be my trainer. Our song is "Upside Down" by Jack Johnson and we'll end up singing songs we know together and saying things like Tom- "fo sho?" Me- "FO SHO!", "A-ight" and no one else gets it but that's ok because we're buds. But, then when I've worked over time and Tera's come over (she's only a months difference in age) or Tracy (she came back fulltime after a hysterectomy) he tends to just hang around with them because they're closer to his age, which is understandable but totally fits the pattern because I know, outside of work we would never remain friends.

Then Chris. Oh, what the hell do I say about that kid? Honestly, I just want to be his freaking friend and he's all peachy with me at work and playful and he'll go out of his way to come up and talk to me. But, outside of work he's busy, he has a life. Today he's buying his bike and he's getting his back tat and I wanted to go with and I messaged him on myspace but he never got back to me. I'm sure that's probably better though because I'm not doing well today but I'll get back to that. So one night in the parking lot after work I pulled my car up alongside his and we were talking through our windows and he said something about how he needed to remember that he can't "do anything" with me because I have a boyfriend (this was after the breakup but I accidentally slipped and said Job was my bf instead of EX bf) and I said "It's not that you can't do anything with me. It's that you don't want to." and then I speed off because I was afraid of what I just said... it was so brash, so unlike me and he actually informed me over myspace that he'd said something to me in repliance but I didn't get to hear it because I speed off like a punk. Ok, I just copied the exact part of that message...

"thanks for driving off on me like that punk, now i guess youll never know what i said back and im off to bed"

So after I inquired about what he said he wrote...

"thats for me to know and you to think about" and then during an msn convo he told me I'd find out what he said in the near future. Well... that was like 3 days ago and I still haven't and it's driving me crazy... "This song drives me crazy, the writers are lazy" I made that up during work when that Narles Barkley song came on *cringes* *big sigh* So, I know Chris is 22 and he's leaving after Harley for UWOsh... Oshvegas as my cousin, Erick, calls it... guess it's a big party place. Why can't I just hold a friend?! Or simply, have a guy friend that doesn't think idk... I'm just so confused and it's been such a short time since Job and I... 10 days today. Well, all I know is after this weekend things might get amusing between Chris and myself because he promised me that he'd take me for a ride on his new crotch rocket and then later amended that to anytime I wanted. I told him I'd probably hold on too tight and hurt him and he said he has strong ribs... Idk, Chris and I are just fucked up and we both just got out of long relationships and I think we're both in limbo and just lonely and need a friend until we can sort our lives out. Why can't I just make this attraction into a friendship? Life sux.

Oh yea, one more thing... So I think it's just stress but I just had my "red fairy" (Katie Barbian copywrite) a week ago and I just got it yesterday and it's bad. I've never bled so much in my life and I told my mom and she doesn't want to take me into the emergency room. I just hope it's not an ulcer because it's like black... So anyway. Enough about all this shit... I'm out.

Mandy ~ 10:35 AM

Saturday, July 08, 2006

The Blower's Daughter

Good song... Think it was from the movie "Closer" or whatever the one was with Natalie Portman, Jude Law, Julia Roberts, and Clive Owen.

I think I'm getting to a better place where I can begin to depend on myself. It's weird being alone but I have to learn some time. Chris asked me where I was going to college and I asked him about Oshkosh and he said it had a good arts program and that a lot of his friends are going for that. He told me they needed another roommate and I declined. I told him it'd be weird living co-ed and he said he's had girl roommates before but I told him I was going to Nicolet this next year regardless.

I'm not sure I should be writing this but I'm sick of keeping it all in and I don't care who knows. Chris is nice and we're going through the same thing so it's extremely nice to be able to relate to someone and have a friend there every day even if 95% of the time we're working. Ok, more like 93% because we get 3 ten-minute breaks (on 8 hour shifts) so 30 minutes from 8 hours would be 350/380 is... .9375 per cent. Yes, that is the correct way to write a percent... My teacher, Mark Nebgen enlightened me on that. Like it even matters. He liked/likes Job a lot. My head is in so many places right now. Chris is telling me to be strong and that I can go the single route but I know I'm just weak. If I went out and got schwasted I'd most likely find a phone and call Job and that'd be bad because I need to do this.

Job has a date Monday and I feel happy for him. I won't date. At least not for a while because I really need to find out who I am because right now I just feel hopelessly lost in everything that's consumed my life so far... School, family, used to be Job (not his fault either), work. No time for Amanda to be herself. Last night (well, this morning at 4 am ish) all the way home I freestyled because I felt like it and it felt good to do what I wanted and not worry about how I sounded and actually, I had some halfway decent rhymes. I'm exhausted and that's probably because I went to sleep at 4:30 and woke up at 7 or 9. I can't remember anymore.

One day is the previous or the next or hasn't even happened yet and then it happens and it's just as my mind imagined it and that's probably because of the monotany. Someone save me. I need a friend that lives in Rhinelander because Chris is in Wausau and he's probably getting his bike today or his tattoo or whatever he wants because he's... He told me he didn't want to go back out with his ex but he doesn't want any other guy to have her. I'm just trying to be a good friend for him, the way he's being there for me. So if you're thinking I've already moved unto another guy, Job, he's only a friend but that probably doesn't matter to you. I really don't know what to say to you and not because I'm upset or angry or sad or anything else just because... I've simply never been in this situation before. I have to go do something consuming.

http://www.sing365.com/music/Lyric.nsf/The-Blower

Mandy ~ 7:49 PM

Thursday, July 06, 2006

2.5 Years Gone

Have you ever had that constricting in your throat when you're trying so hard not to cry... Well I have it and I am crying. Thank you Job for showing me what a good boyfriend was. We fought and we had problems but the majority was good or ok or something but I'm only 19... Is this really what life is?

Mandy ~ 2:12 AM

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Wha-chachy-cha!

So... the dl... Tomorrow is going to be hectic...

Wake up, take a shower, eat, go with Job to Brandon/Heather's party by noon, hang out, then when Job goes to work at 4 I'm going back home to wait half an hour and then I'm going to a movie with a bunch of bandies, then I'm driving Ryan and Nicki and two other ppl to Hodag park to see the fireworks. *takes a breath* Then, after the fireworks, I'm going straight to Job's house and I'm staying the night so I think I'll pack a bag and throw it in my trunk. Then the following day I'll hopefully wake up a little early, find out where Ryan lives somehow and then I'm going out there to dirt bike... I CAN'T WAIT!!!

All I've been doing lately is work and I'm getting so bored and depressed. Don't get me wrong, work isn't bad especially when my trainer, Tom, kicks major ass because he actually treats me fairly and as an equal even though he's still a million times better at doing the whole windshield line than I am. Lots of things have been dragging me down lately but I also recently made a new friend at work, Chris, who's pretty funny. He's my older brother's age, 22 and I just admire how he handles his life and I really need to stop caring about the stupid little things. I'm learning a few lessons here and there gradually. It'll take a lot before I'm a true adult but I'm really working on it even if it'll take an eternity... That's the price I pay for letting my mom baby me into a second infancy.

I have this song stuck in my head "Hate Me" by Blue October...

"Hate me today. Hate me tomorrow. Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you."

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/blueoctober/hateme.html

I also like the part about cockroaches, and just the way he words everything... it's art. I love music so much and if it weren't for that at work I think I'd have "a nervous bleeding in my brain" as well...

Mandy ~ 2:14 AM