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albinoblacksheep.com
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www.ebaumsworld.com
Credits of the Creator
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Thursday, November 16, 2006
Testing 1, 2...
I came on here the other day and opened up a blank blog but never thought of anything I could really say. I'm not single anymore but the guy's parents don't know yet and won't until after I meet them. I think I'm going to be a huge letdown even before I can open my mouth. They've already judged me... I'm not Christian like I "should" be so I'm obviously not good enough for their son. The pressure to convert is terribly strong and I don't want to just for that fact- for someone other than myself and my change of beliefs.
Other than that, plainly put, school is eating my soul. I can feel myself dying away there. I wouldn't be happier if I just dropped all of my classes tomorrow. I don't care if I lose the money because it's better than spending the money on F's... on poor transcripts. There are a few catches, if I drop I have to get a full-time job, I get kicked off from my dad's insurance, I have to pay back any financial aid received so far, I'm a "failure", and it'll be highly likely that I will see my friends even less than I already do. It just shows me though that I really don't belong when I can't pass a simple Alg test and all of my friends are in Calc... I leave class today after knowing I failed the test (I just guessed on 75%) and see welsh, marty, and that blonde downstairs and say how hard it was for me and they laugh and say that's pathetically easy.
I'm just not meant to be in college if I'm this dumb. It's ok, I understand that I can't be as smart as my friends. It's just kind of sucky that they're all so smart and I'm the one dumb one. And my mom tops it off saying that if I can do a play then I can get A's in my classes... She has no fucking idea how hard it is for me in math, half the time I freaking write entire problems down backwards and get hopelessly lost and confused when the teacher just keeps plowing through it. We covered this new section about multiplication and long division of polynomials and I was completely lost until the last couple minutes of class when I got 2 problems but they were easy compared to what was on the test. I just want to cry because of how stupid I am, but I realize that would just be even more stupid.
My whole life my dad's told me I'm not good enough and I guess this just proves it. I can't handle this pressure anymore. My heart feels like it's going to just rive itself in halves. I feel so lost and college is only showing me my weaknesses. I understand to go places in life you have to go out of your comfort zone but I've never really been in a comfort zone because feeling stupid all the time is the farthest thing from being comfortable. I have another headache... I've been getting at least one a day lately. Great, now my stupidity hurts. What next?
I came on here the other day and opened up a blank blog but never thought of anything I could really say. I'm not single anymore but the guy's parents don't know yet and won't until after I meet them. I think I'm going to be a huge letdown even before I can open my mouth. They've already judged me... I'm not Christian like I "should" be so I'm obviously not good enough for their son. The pressure to convert is terribly strong and I don't want to just for that fact- for someone other than myself and my change of beliefs.
Other than that, plainly put, school is eating my soul. I can feel myself dying away there. I wouldn't be happier if I just dropped all of my classes tomorrow. I don't care if I lose the money because it's better than spending the money on F's... on poor transcripts. There are a few catches, if I drop I have to get a full-time job, I get kicked off from my dad's insurance, I have to pay back any financial aid received so far, I'm a "failure", and it'll be highly likely that I will see my friends even less than I already do. It just shows me though that I really don't belong when I can't pass a simple Alg test and all of my friends are in Calc... I leave class today after knowing I failed the test (I just guessed on 75%) and see welsh, marty, and that blonde downstairs and say how hard it was for me and they laugh and say that's pathetically easy.
I'm just not meant to be in college if I'm this dumb. It's ok, I understand that I can't be as smart as my friends. It's just kind of sucky that they're all so smart and I'm the one dumb one. And my mom tops it off saying that if I can do a play then I can get A's in my classes... She has no fucking idea how hard it is for me in math, half the time I freaking write entire problems down backwards and get hopelessly lost and confused when the teacher just keeps plowing through it. We covered this new section about multiplication and long division of polynomials and I was completely lost until the last couple minutes of class when I got 2 problems but they were easy compared to what was on the test. I just want to cry because of how stupid I am, but I realize that would just be even more stupid.
My whole life my dad's told me I'm not good enough and I guess this just proves it. I can't handle this pressure anymore. My heart feels like it's going to just rive itself in halves. I feel so lost and college is only showing me my weaknesses. I understand to go places in life you have to go out of your comfort zone but I've never really been in a comfort zone because feeling stupid all the time is the farthest thing from being comfortable. I have another headache... I've been getting at least one a day lately. Great, now my stupidity hurts. What next?
Mandy ~ 6:37 PM