Who I Am
These are my true thoughts...
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albinoblacksheep.com
www.myspace.com
www.ebaumsworld.com
Credits of the Creator
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Thursday, December 21, 2006
What Now?
I'm simply getting annoyed with myself. What am I doing? I made plans to work out with Dane and Christian and they kind of blew me off and just hung out at Dane's house. I honestly don't care if they want to have a boys night but it sucks when they made plans for me and they didn't even call me to cancel. It's curteousy... common knowledge, right? If you make plans with someone and can't follow through, you call and tell that person so they don't wait for you. So they don't waste their night being alone... waiting. It sucks.
So then Dane calls me when Christian's leaving... of course, they already had their fun. Now he's bored and I'm the one to go to. I'm not a pick-me-up. No one should be the bored escape for anyone else. I could've hung out with my sister or a friend or multiple friends tonight but instead I sat home and watched tv and at least I had my mom for company. I'm upset and I'm not sure I have the right to be. Do I? I was blown off... Yesterday after working out we were all talking before we went to Walmart and Christian said he had a dr. appt. and he'd be back in town around 6 ish and Dane had work until 5:30 and since Christian kind of blew off Dane and I for working out to talk to Keena he wanted to work out tonight. So we called it a plan to get together around 6.
So why do I feel like the bad person for being upset about it? My whole life I've had friends and family walk over me to get what they wanted without a fight on my part. Now, when I allow myself to care about myself I feel selfish and unjust. Dane called me up as Christian was leaving and I blew him off because I wasn't about to be the one to wait around for his call. He sits there on the other line and says sorry and calls me pet names like hun and babe and thinks it's all right but it isn't. He hurt my feelings when he blew me off. I just don't feel right being upset about it and I don't know if that's because I didn't resolve it with him and instead I'm here, writing this upset blog or because Dane's just... relationship ignorant or nieve. I need to stop...
How hard is it to dial 7 numbers?
I'm simply getting annoyed with myself. What am I doing? I made plans to work out with Dane and Christian and they kind of blew me off and just hung out at Dane's house. I honestly don't care if they want to have a boys night but it sucks when they made plans for me and they didn't even call me to cancel. It's curteousy... common knowledge, right? If you make plans with someone and can't follow through, you call and tell that person so they don't wait for you. So they don't waste their night being alone... waiting. It sucks.
So then Dane calls me when Christian's leaving... of course, they already had their fun. Now he's bored and I'm the one to go to. I'm not a pick-me-up. No one should be the bored escape for anyone else. I could've hung out with my sister or a friend or multiple friends tonight but instead I sat home and watched tv and at least I had my mom for company. I'm upset and I'm not sure I have the right to be. Do I? I was blown off... Yesterday after working out we were all talking before we went to Walmart and Christian said he had a dr. appt. and he'd be back in town around 6 ish and Dane had work until 5:30 and since Christian kind of blew off Dane and I for working out to talk to Keena he wanted to work out tonight. So we called it a plan to get together around 6.
So why do I feel like the bad person for being upset about it? My whole life I've had friends and family walk over me to get what they wanted without a fight on my part. Now, when I allow myself to care about myself I feel selfish and unjust. Dane called me up as Christian was leaving and I blew him off because I wasn't about to be the one to wait around for his call. He sits there on the other line and says sorry and calls me pet names like hun and babe and thinks it's all right but it isn't. He hurt my feelings when he blew me off. I just don't feel right being upset about it and I don't know if that's because I didn't resolve it with him and instead I'm here, writing this upset blog or because Dane's just... relationship ignorant or nieve. I need to stop...
How hard is it to dial 7 numbers?
Mandy ~ 10:14 PM
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Over a Month, Under Constraint
Freedom... I don't have it. Kait invited me to hang out with her and her friends tonight and it doesn't sound like a bad idea. Why do I wait thinking I'm going to be doing something with the same person? I shouldn't wait around. I should just go out and have fun. I shouldn't be expected to just wait around. This is how I lose my friends. I cancel going to parties with them, ignore them, and focus on one person. If a friend did that to me I'd back off as well. It's understandable... are those not all signs that a person wants to be left alone?
Why do I get stuck in the same ruts? Doing the same things I've already been hurt by and learned from? I'm just getting idioticly depressed again. I've no reason to be depressed. I'm not in debt, I have all the freedom to do what I want... I could do anything I wanted to right now. Anything.
The only thing that hinders freedom is yourself... I could cheat on Dane but I can't live with the guilt, I could move to Cali but I don't want to leave my friends and family, I could go out and party every night but I'm afraid of killing myself, I can drop out of school forever but I'm afraid that will limit my abilities, I could become a prostitute but I couldn't live with being alone. I can do so many things but my fear of losing the ones I love for such temporary benefits outweigh those freedoms. What is freedom but what you've already chosen?
People can influence your opinions, your choices, but when it comes to making them you can't claim the bible drove you to murder someone simply because it's in a passage... the most you can do is plead insanity and live in the local looney bin for the rest of your life and if you aren't insane... that's not the easy way out. Sometimes chosing options that you think are giving you freedom are actually closing other doors and hindering your future options. The only thing is foresight isn't so much like it's predacessor, sadly, but at the same time, would you want it to be?
I can only look back at where I've been for insight into the future because we all know, history repeats itself. So tell me, how is it the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 10th, 20th... times around we still don't see it until we're in the midst of it again back on the hindsight of deja vu thinking "I've done it again". Can we truly help ourselves?
Freedom... I don't have it. Kait invited me to hang out with her and her friends tonight and it doesn't sound like a bad idea. Why do I wait thinking I'm going to be doing something with the same person? I shouldn't wait around. I should just go out and have fun. I shouldn't be expected to just wait around. This is how I lose my friends. I cancel going to parties with them, ignore them, and focus on one person. If a friend did that to me I'd back off as well. It's understandable... are those not all signs that a person wants to be left alone?
Why do I get stuck in the same ruts? Doing the same things I've already been hurt by and learned from? I'm just getting idioticly depressed again. I've no reason to be depressed. I'm not in debt, I have all the freedom to do what I want... I could do anything I wanted to right now. Anything.
The only thing that hinders freedom is yourself... I could cheat on Dane but I can't live with the guilt, I could move to Cali but I don't want to leave my friends and family, I could go out and party every night but I'm afraid of killing myself, I can drop out of school forever but I'm afraid that will limit my abilities, I could become a prostitute but I couldn't live with being alone. I can do so many things but my fear of losing the ones I love for such temporary benefits outweigh those freedoms. What is freedom but what you've already chosen?
People can influence your opinions, your choices, but when it comes to making them you can't claim the bible drove you to murder someone simply because it's in a passage... the most you can do is plead insanity and live in the local looney bin for the rest of your life and if you aren't insane... that's not the easy way out. Sometimes chosing options that you think are giving you freedom are actually closing other doors and hindering your future options. The only thing is foresight isn't so much like it's predacessor, sadly, but at the same time, would you want it to be?
I can only look back at where I've been for insight into the future because we all know, history repeats itself. So tell me, how is it the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 10th, 20th... times around we still don't see it until we're in the midst of it again back on the hindsight of deja vu thinking "I've done it again". Can we truly help ourselves?
Mandy ~ 8:38 PM