Who I Am
These are my true thoughts...
My Past
08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003
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10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003
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10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
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07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
Favorite Websites
albinoblacksheep.com
www.myspace.com
www.ebaumsworld.com
Credits of the Creator
Take a look at this & other blog designs @ Blogskins.com
Picture found @ Digital Blasphemy
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
OMFSM
Oh my flying spaghetti monster... that's MY god :D So... I was doing good. It'd been 2 days since I last cried over Dane and then I got a call tonight. Karen... no, not Dane's mom although my heart did skip a beat when I heard the name but the dance instructor at the Y. She'd called asking if Dane and I would dance for this couple's competition after she saw our ariels for swing dancing and was so impressed. I regrettedly informed her that he'd broken up with me and that's why we stopped going to class. She asked if there was any way we'd still dance and I told her that he hasn't even tried to contact me in almost 2 weeks so I highly doubted it. While I was on the phone my eyes started watering and as soon as I clicked it off the tears started flowing.
Oh, FSM, why do you mock me, sending me such horribly tauntful reminders of what I had with Dane? He would never dance with me again. It's far over. The way it should've never started. I've been waking up in the middle of the night and jotting down poems that come to me in dreams and one is something like...
When your smile fell upon her eyes
The deaf swore on their fallen ears they could hear
Your voice
And the blind saw the sight
Even before the fight
Everyone could see
Everyone but me...
Deaf the silence
and blind the glance
Realized mute was you
When the words were only true
The weirdest thing was I was singing all of this in the dream. I vaguely remember it but if I definitely was alone in the house I would've just gotten up and went straight to the piano and played it all out and wrote it down. Unfortunately, I would've woken everyone up so instead, I just let myself forget it all.
There are supposedly 4 or 5 days left (I don't really know) until Dane will talk to me again and I can't take it. I won't be able to see his face or even utter a word in his direction. He's hurt me so badly that just seeing him will put me back from my recovery from what he did to me. I'm so lucky that I haven't seen him since.
Oh my flying spaghetti monster... that's MY god :D So... I was doing good. It'd been 2 days since I last cried over Dane and then I got a call tonight. Karen... no, not Dane's mom although my heart did skip a beat when I heard the name but the dance instructor at the Y. She'd called asking if Dane and I would dance for this couple's competition after she saw our ariels for swing dancing and was so impressed. I regrettedly informed her that he'd broken up with me and that's why we stopped going to class. She asked if there was any way we'd still dance and I told her that he hasn't even tried to contact me in almost 2 weeks so I highly doubted it. While I was on the phone my eyes started watering and as soon as I clicked it off the tears started flowing.
Oh, FSM, why do you mock me, sending me such horribly tauntful reminders of what I had with Dane? He would never dance with me again. It's far over. The way it should've never started. I've been waking up in the middle of the night and jotting down poems that come to me in dreams and one is something like...
When your smile fell upon her eyes
The deaf swore on their fallen ears they could hear
Your voice
And the blind saw the sight
Even before the fight
Everyone could see
Everyone but me...
Deaf the silence
and blind the glance
Realized mute was you
When the words were only true
The weirdest thing was I was singing all of this in the dream. I vaguely remember it but if I definitely was alone in the house I would've just gotten up and went straight to the piano and played it all out and wrote it down. Unfortunately, I would've woken everyone up so instead, I just let myself forget it all.
There are supposedly 4 or 5 days left (I don't really know) until Dane will talk to me again and I can't take it. I won't be able to see his face or even utter a word in his direction. He's hurt me so badly that just seeing him will put me back from my recovery from what he did to me. I'm so lucky that I haven't seen him since.
Mandy ~ 5:16 PM
Friday, January 19, 2007
Why can't I just have a break? Why can't I hang out with a straight guy that doesn't have a prerogative? He told me he's liked me ever since he first saw me in highschool... That's 6 years...
He sat there after telling me and I didn't say anything for a minute and then I managed to squeak out an "It's ok, I don't mind that you like me" and then he laughed and said "No, how do you feel about me?" and I said "You're a great guy..." him "And?" and I said "I like you" and I cut myself off before saying "as a friend". WHY?! Maybe because I just got a job and I'm going to be working with him. This is so awkward and idk what to do. I can't just say "I just want to be friends"
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why can't I get a break? Seriously, the guy I love just dumped me and the guy I've turned to and thought I formed a friendship with has just admitted that he's basically had a crush on me for the past 6 years.
I'm so sick of life. Yea, everyone reading this is probably laughing and telling me I'm stupid but I just can't stop crying. I'm crying again. Every time I think of Dane I just start crying and each day it's getting worse. I still love him now and I'll still love him a year from now. I can't make my heart stop hurting. I told Logan that I'm going to be single a really long time because I love Dane. I have never cried so much in my life... I'm going to have to start washing my eyes though because the skin is literally burned from my tears. I didn't know it was even possible but I guess after so much salt or saline or whatever it is that's in tears touches the eye area so much it just starts to burn the skin. It seriously feels like my eyes are on fire.
Why do I keep crying? Why can't I just stop? Dane's a jerk... he has this address... he has my myspace and connections to my facebook. He has availability to everything I write and I haven't heard his voice, haven't gotten any messages, haven't seen him. I just want to see him, run to him, hug him, and not let go. Just refuse to let him leave me. Kait said I look so much older now post hair cut and I think that isn't the only factor... I think it's the fact that I've been crying so much my eyes are dropping, I haven't been sleeping and then when I do I sleep for so long that I'm too weak to even get up so I wake up and then I just go back to sleep. I barely eat anything and only eat when people notice I'm not.
I wonder how he's doing... Probably fine. He goes online but then doesn't message me so I talk to him and pretend that he reads it all and is just so hurt that he can't reply. I e-mailed him this novel... it's 12 paragraphs long. A lot of what I write just comes straight from what I'm thinking that exact moment... little revelations to me so even if he doesn't read it, just deletes it, I still have the epiphanies like...
"i was never good enough... for you i'm not sure but i definitely was never good enough for your parents"
His parents were relieved when Dane broke up with me. I could see... feel how much it hurt him and yet... He still played the pawn.
"i feel this relationship has put into perspective the realization that this love would make any life complete. the fact that you gave it up doesn't mean it still isn't there unless... well, unless one very simple and all-together feasible reality were to occur...
the fact that you never loved me at all."
If he could just tell me with 100% truth that he never loved me it would kill me. It would absolutely destroy me but then I could move on. I have no closure because the way he broke up with me... the way he just played this facade... this robot that had no emotion and for me to talk to him for minutes and it to just crack the strongest titanium of that robot mask... To hold him while he SOBBED... my shirt was drenched from his tears. Yet, each tear felt like one closer to him, to his heart being open to me again, to him showing me he truly loves me. So why am I sitting here, typing this at 1 am when I'm waking up in 6 hours for orientation and he's going to school tomorrow. I can't sleep... I can't.
I just sit here, typing what my heart feels while listening to "Paper Heart" by All-American Rejects on repeat. It fits our situation so much and eventually... I will fall "to the arms of a friend"... Logan and I hate to admit... "to settle for less is not what I prefer" because Logan is amazing... He's been there for me, listened to me talk insesantly about you, Dane... listened to me spill about everything, how much it hurts... my heart, it physically feels like I'm having a heart attack and sometimes I just let it take me and I sob on the bathroom floor clutching my chest while it throbs. I wonder if you can truly die from heartbreak. If you can I'm sure I can.
"Tears fall down your face... the taste is something new"
Thank you Dane for showing me heartbreak...
"Please just don't play with me, my paper heart will bleed, this wait for destiny won't do, be with me please, I'll beseech you... simple things that make you run away, catch you if I can"
Such simple things... minor differences in opinion. Every person is unique. I can't wait for destiny if we're meant to be... I need you now... One day I will die from heartbreak.
"My tongue is tied to a dream of being with you..."
What words will bring you back?
"Winter nights, my bedside is cold, for I am gone, Spring blossoms you to me"
Please be true... spring. I love this boy so much. Words can't describe this except to say that truly morbid thoughts cross me all the time now... my loved ones dying, my dog dying, my heart dying... the world dying. Horrific nightmares... is this my heart hardening, dying? I can't become a cold-hearted person... that's just not me and it never was. Is this the effect of heartbreak? I'm glad I'm not in school because the chances of my seeing Dane... I wouldn't be able to do anything and at least without seeing him I can hold my tears until I get home. God knows I can't stop thinking about him. A moment of rest, please... a break, something. I need this to just stop for a few seconds to catch my breath, to grab a nap, to be a person again, and not some shell of what used to be Amanda Marquardt. Amanda Marquardt is not a dying, heart-broken, shell.
He sat there after telling me and I didn't say anything for a minute and then I managed to squeak out an "It's ok, I don't mind that you like me" and then he laughed and said "No, how do you feel about me?" and I said "You're a great guy..." him "And?" and I said "I like you" and I cut myself off before saying "as a friend". WHY?! Maybe because I just got a job and I'm going to be working with him. This is so awkward and idk what to do. I can't just say "I just want to be friends"
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why can't I get a break? Seriously, the guy I love just dumped me and the guy I've turned to and thought I formed a friendship with has just admitted that he's basically had a crush on me for the past 6 years.
I'm so sick of life. Yea, everyone reading this is probably laughing and telling me I'm stupid but I just can't stop crying. I'm crying again. Every time I think of Dane I just start crying and each day it's getting worse. I still love him now and I'll still love him a year from now. I can't make my heart stop hurting. I told Logan that I'm going to be single a really long time because I love Dane. I have never cried so much in my life... I'm going to have to start washing my eyes though because the skin is literally burned from my tears. I didn't know it was even possible but I guess after so much salt or saline or whatever it is that's in tears touches the eye area so much it just starts to burn the skin. It seriously feels like my eyes are on fire.
Why do I keep crying? Why can't I just stop? Dane's a jerk... he has this address... he has my myspace and connections to my facebook. He has availability to everything I write and I haven't heard his voice, haven't gotten any messages, haven't seen him. I just want to see him, run to him, hug him, and not let go. Just refuse to let him leave me. Kait said I look so much older now post hair cut and I think that isn't the only factor... I think it's the fact that I've been crying so much my eyes are dropping, I haven't been sleeping and then when I do I sleep for so long that I'm too weak to even get up so I wake up and then I just go back to sleep. I barely eat anything and only eat when people notice I'm not.
I wonder how he's doing... Probably fine. He goes online but then doesn't message me so I talk to him and pretend that he reads it all and is just so hurt that he can't reply. I e-mailed him this novel... it's 12 paragraphs long. A lot of what I write just comes straight from what I'm thinking that exact moment... little revelations to me so even if he doesn't read it, just deletes it, I still have the epiphanies like...
"i was never good enough... for you i'm not sure but i definitely was never good enough for your parents"
His parents were relieved when Dane broke up with me. I could see... feel how much it hurt him and yet... He still played the pawn.
"i feel this relationship has put into perspective the realization that this love would make any life complete. the fact that you gave it up doesn't mean it still isn't there unless... well, unless one very simple and all-together feasible reality were to occur...
the fact that you never loved me at all."
If he could just tell me with 100% truth that he never loved me it would kill me. It would absolutely destroy me but then I could move on. I have no closure because the way he broke up with me... the way he just played this facade... this robot that had no emotion and for me to talk to him for minutes and it to just crack the strongest titanium of that robot mask... To hold him while he SOBBED... my shirt was drenched from his tears. Yet, each tear felt like one closer to him, to his heart being open to me again, to him showing me he truly loves me. So why am I sitting here, typing this at 1 am when I'm waking up in 6 hours for orientation and he's going to school tomorrow. I can't sleep... I can't.
I just sit here, typing what my heart feels while listening to "Paper Heart" by All-American Rejects on repeat. It fits our situation so much and eventually... I will fall "to the arms of a friend"... Logan and I hate to admit... "to settle for less is not what I prefer" because Logan is amazing... He's been there for me, listened to me talk insesantly about you, Dane... listened to me spill about everything, how much it hurts... my heart, it physically feels like I'm having a heart attack and sometimes I just let it take me and I sob on the bathroom floor clutching my chest while it throbs. I wonder if you can truly die from heartbreak. If you can I'm sure I can.
"Tears fall down your face... the taste is something new"
Thank you Dane for showing me heartbreak...
"Please just don't play with me, my paper heart will bleed, this wait for destiny won't do, be with me please, I'll beseech you... simple things that make you run away, catch you if I can"
Such simple things... minor differences in opinion. Every person is unique. I can't wait for destiny if we're meant to be... I need you now... One day I will die from heartbreak.
"My tongue is tied to a dream of being with you..."
What words will bring you back?
"Winter nights, my bedside is cold, for I am gone, Spring blossoms you to me"
Please be true... spring. I love this boy so much. Words can't describe this except to say that truly morbid thoughts cross me all the time now... my loved ones dying, my dog dying, my heart dying... the world dying. Horrific nightmares... is this my heart hardening, dying? I can't become a cold-hearted person... that's just not me and it never was. Is this the effect of heartbreak? I'm glad I'm not in school because the chances of my seeing Dane... I wouldn't be able to do anything and at least without seeing him I can hold my tears until I get home. God knows I can't stop thinking about him. A moment of rest, please... a break, something. I need this to just stop for a few seconds to catch my breath, to grab a nap, to be a person again, and not some shell of what used to be Amanda Marquardt. Amanda Marquardt is not a dying, heart-broken, shell.
Mandy ~ 12:25 AM
Friday, January 12, 2007
Fuck It
I'm in so much pain and tonight when I saw Dane I slammed on my brakes and almost threw up while driving. Every time I think about him my heart aches like it never has before. I miss him so much and it's only been a day. I'm so upset and I was full out sobbing in front of my mom, Kait, Mike, Matt, and Tim and it was embarassing. Truthfully I just didn't care and to just hear his voice... and then hear him crying and know I can't help.
Then after he lost service and called me back and then he was so cold again... it was like I was talking to a robot and idk if that's because he's already numb. I don't care... I just want it all back and I don't care what struggles we have to go through because we could make it work. That is... if he loves me.
Tonight I hung out with Kait, Matt, and Tim at Kony's house and I couldn't stop thinking about him. I think if I just get drunk or high or something maybe I can stop thinking about him for two seconds but I can't. For a second I thought I did but then realized the correlation. I hate how everything links back to him and us spending every possible moment together these past two months.
Matt, Tim, and myself picked up a stray dog at WalMart and carted it all over the place looking for the owners and we finally found them (from Lake Tomahawk) and they offered us money or whatever. It was the sweetest puppy ever- 3 yr old yellow lab/golden retriever mix and it's name was Nugs. It was hilarious when Matt and Tim were going through names trying to see what he'd respond to and they said like Rick Flair and I was like seriously, who'd name their dog that unless they were him and even then I highly doubt he lives in WI and even then there's no way he lives up here. Tim guessed pistol and remington and I guess it was close considering nug is gun backwards.
Even though it was nice to be loved by a puppy, it just reminded me of the time Dane saved a kitten for an elderly woman. This time it was me saving the animal as it frightenly ran around the parking lot with it's tail between its legs between speeding cars. Everyone that tried to approach him just scared him away so I just yelled out "SIT" and he sat so I went up and took his collar and talked to him and decided to get him out of there because he was obviously shocked from the situation. There was a time when the four of us- Matt, Tim, Nugs, and Me were in the police station walk through enclosure (it was closed) just sitting and chatting for like half an hour. Nugs calmed down and started wagging his tail and even licked us a few times and just kept going back and forth between us.
I love animals so much even though this still hurts so much. Dane said he's not the one for me because all he ever did was hurt me. I'm shaking and trying not to cry because my nose is raw and my eyes are swollen and burning. Kait said to give it three months- the amount of time we were totally together to get over him but the reality is that I don't want to. Love is so messed up... Dane isn't good for me. I mean by no standards is he bad but he's so stubborn and to have just been with him these past 2 months took a lot of change on my part.
I miss him so much and I don't want to be with anyone else, I don't want to feel anyone else's touch, kiss, smile... I just want Dane to love me like he has so much. I want my farm boy back. I want to be in his arms, to look into his gorgeous green and gold eyes, to smell his amazingly comforting yet attractive smell, to feel his body against mine. I never got a good bye kiss... I never even knew it was coming... that last day we spent together he never even hugged me and it hurts so much to feel such abandonment from him. I can't be away from him but it tears me apart to even see him and... for him to just call me and tell me (after he ripped me apart last night) that he's just a scared little boy. Whatever, I wrote a shitty poem about it...
hit repeat on your tears
living the regret of fear
let, it all sink in
even the sin
uncertainty in his eyes
how could he lie
and now he's lost
two hearts it cost
the skip in his voice
the flutter it cast
his words of choice
left me last
here, alone
all clearly shone
explainations
of no relevance
indications
that made no sense
*sigh* of a true note
the lies you knew you wrote
in me
in all you can't be
such a hypocrit
yet, here I sit
crying
denying
the fall
build up this wall
I knew he was scared but you shouldn't run when you are... Dane's the one that told me that and what he's doing right now is precisely that. Being the hypocrit he's running as fast and far as he can like running the 20 minutes over me on the elyptical drove this unseen void between us. There was this huge wall coming from him and it angered me simply because I was afraid of losing him and hey, I was right. Obviously I wasn't good enough because he didn't chose me. I just want my fucking heart back... it hurts everywhere. He's not helping me like he said he was... he said he was holding me back and he's not. Fuck, if anything he just set me back three months- the time I need to get back to normal. I don't want to date anymore. You really can't when you're in love with the one person you can't date.
One day he's going to wake up and realize what he did was wrong and that he can never have me back for how much he hurt me not just once but twice. I hope he doesn't just to prove me and my bitter-frozen-void-lacking-thereof-a-heart wrong.
Obviously the frozen part hasn't happened yet or I wouldn't be crying again... Please go numb soon... I can't handle this pain anymore.
I'm in so much pain and tonight when I saw Dane I slammed on my brakes and almost threw up while driving. Every time I think about him my heart aches like it never has before. I miss him so much and it's only been a day. I'm so upset and I was full out sobbing in front of my mom, Kait, Mike, Matt, and Tim and it was embarassing. Truthfully I just didn't care and to just hear his voice... and then hear him crying and know I can't help.
Then after he lost service and called me back and then he was so cold again... it was like I was talking to a robot and idk if that's because he's already numb. I don't care... I just want it all back and I don't care what struggles we have to go through because we could make it work. That is... if he loves me.
Tonight I hung out with Kait, Matt, and Tim at Kony's house and I couldn't stop thinking about him. I think if I just get drunk or high or something maybe I can stop thinking about him for two seconds but I can't. For a second I thought I did but then realized the correlation. I hate how everything links back to him and us spending every possible moment together these past two months.
Matt, Tim, and myself picked up a stray dog at WalMart and carted it all over the place looking for the owners and we finally found them (from Lake Tomahawk) and they offered us money or whatever. It was the sweetest puppy ever- 3 yr old yellow lab/golden retriever mix and it's name was Nugs. It was hilarious when Matt and Tim were going through names trying to see what he'd respond to and they said like Rick Flair and I was like seriously, who'd name their dog that unless they were him and even then I highly doubt he lives in WI and even then there's no way he lives up here. Tim guessed pistol and remington and I guess it was close considering nug is gun backwards.
Even though it was nice to be loved by a puppy, it just reminded me of the time Dane saved a kitten for an elderly woman. This time it was me saving the animal as it frightenly ran around the parking lot with it's tail between its legs between speeding cars. Everyone that tried to approach him just scared him away so I just yelled out "SIT" and he sat so I went up and took his collar and talked to him and decided to get him out of there because he was obviously shocked from the situation. There was a time when the four of us- Matt, Tim, Nugs, and Me were in the police station walk through enclosure (it was closed) just sitting and chatting for like half an hour. Nugs calmed down and started wagging his tail and even licked us a few times and just kept going back and forth between us.
I love animals so much even though this still hurts so much. Dane said he's not the one for me because all he ever did was hurt me. I'm shaking and trying not to cry because my nose is raw and my eyes are swollen and burning. Kait said to give it three months- the amount of time we were totally together to get over him but the reality is that I don't want to. Love is so messed up... Dane isn't good for me. I mean by no standards is he bad but he's so stubborn and to have just been with him these past 2 months took a lot of change on my part.
I miss him so much and I don't want to be with anyone else, I don't want to feel anyone else's touch, kiss, smile... I just want Dane to love me like he has so much. I want my farm boy back. I want to be in his arms, to look into his gorgeous green and gold eyes, to smell his amazingly comforting yet attractive smell, to feel his body against mine. I never got a good bye kiss... I never even knew it was coming... that last day we spent together he never even hugged me and it hurts so much to feel such abandonment from him. I can't be away from him but it tears me apart to even see him and... for him to just call me and tell me (after he ripped me apart last night) that he's just a scared little boy. Whatever, I wrote a shitty poem about it...
hit repeat on your tears
living the regret of fear
let, it all sink in
even the sin
uncertainty in his eyes
how could he lie
and now he's lost
two hearts it cost
the skip in his voice
the flutter it cast
his words of choice
left me last
here, alone
all clearly shone
explainations
of no relevance
indications
that made no sense
*sigh* of a true note
the lies you knew you wrote
in me
in all you can't be
such a hypocrit
yet, here I sit
crying
denying
the fall
build up this wall
I knew he was scared but you shouldn't run when you are... Dane's the one that told me that and what he's doing right now is precisely that. Being the hypocrit he's running as fast and far as he can like running the 20 minutes over me on the elyptical drove this unseen void between us. There was this huge wall coming from him and it angered me simply because I was afraid of losing him and hey, I was right. Obviously I wasn't good enough because he didn't chose me. I just want my fucking heart back... it hurts everywhere. He's not helping me like he said he was... he said he was holding me back and he's not. Fuck, if anything he just set me back three months- the time I need to get back to normal. I don't want to date anymore. You really can't when you're in love with the one person you can't date.
One day he's going to wake up and realize what he did was wrong and that he can never have me back for how much he hurt me not just once but twice. I hope he doesn't just to prove me and my bitter-frozen-void-lacking-thereof-a-heart wrong.
Obviously the frozen part hasn't happened yet or I wouldn't be crying again... Please go numb soon... I can't handle this pain anymore.
Mandy ~ 2:01 AM
Thursday, January 11, 2007
It's Over
Dane broke up with me last night. I won't lie. I cried a lot and my mom even cried when she saw how upset I was. He still has all of my ski gear and I want it back. I'm going to coffee with Kt at 1 this Friday and then Sledding at Saroka Saturday with a ton of peeps. I'm going to call up Zack and go to that Happily N'ever After movie with him. I'm just going to stay busy to keep my mind off from him.
I had a dream that Dane was angry and broke the glass on the front of the ipod. This is what dream dictionary said about it...
-...broken glass in your dream, signifies a change in your life. You will find that a situation will come to an abrupt and untimely end.
-...forewarns that you will be involved in a terrible and tense situation. Your loved ones will let your down and disappoint you. It also forewarns that once solid ties will be broken.
And then I looked up ex but it all referred to long past exes so I looked up boyfriend and it said the situation refers directly to that which is going to happen and it all boils down to trust and communication.
I find this all hilarious because it did come down to communication. He'd stopped communicating long before it ended and it was very selfish of him because it was all a surprise to me when he came to everything on his own terms and then just sprang it on me. You don't do that to people. You communicate and tell them what's wrong before a relationship ends, significant other, friend, or anything else. If you have a problem with someone you tell them so it doesn't manifest and lead to rash decisions. Regardless... it's over, he's broken up with me twice- once at the beginning and now so I was a fool to have let it get to that.
I'm so pissed because about halfway through he told me to not doubt it and told me to say we were getting married. WTF is that? Yea, ok Dane- we're getting married NEVER. I wished I wouldn't have trusted him with my heart because all he did was smash it to pieces. When it came down to it Dane was ignorant- you don't get into heaven by condemning people, and selfish. He deserves to have a child that strays from his religion or one that's gay... no, on second thought I would never wish that upon the child. He'll have to grow up eventually.
Dane broke up with me last night. I won't lie. I cried a lot and my mom even cried when she saw how upset I was. He still has all of my ski gear and I want it back. I'm going to coffee with Kt at 1 this Friday and then Sledding at Saroka Saturday with a ton of peeps. I'm going to call up Zack and go to that Happily N'ever After movie with him. I'm just going to stay busy to keep my mind off from him.
I had a dream that Dane was angry and broke the glass on the front of the ipod. This is what dream dictionary said about it...
-...broken glass in your dream, signifies a change in your life. You will find that a situation will come to an abrupt and untimely end.
-...forewarns that you will be involved in a terrible and tense situation. Your loved ones will let your down and disappoint you. It also forewarns that once solid ties will be broken.
And then I looked up ex but it all referred to long past exes so I looked up boyfriend and it said the situation refers directly to that which is going to happen and it all boils down to trust and communication.
I find this all hilarious because it did come down to communication. He'd stopped communicating long before it ended and it was very selfish of him because it was all a surprise to me when he came to everything on his own terms and then just sprang it on me. You don't do that to people. You communicate and tell them what's wrong before a relationship ends, significant other, friend, or anything else. If you have a problem with someone you tell them so it doesn't manifest and lead to rash decisions. Regardless... it's over, he's broken up with me twice- once at the beginning and now so I was a fool to have let it get to that.
I'm so pissed because about halfway through he told me to not doubt it and told me to say we were getting married. WTF is that? Yea, ok Dane- we're getting married NEVER. I wished I wouldn't have trusted him with my heart because all he did was smash it to pieces. When it came down to it Dane was ignorant- you don't get into heaven by condemning people, and selfish. He deserves to have a child that strays from his religion or one that's gay... no, on second thought I would never wish that upon the child. He'll have to grow up eventually.
Mandy ~ 11:13 AM