Who I Am
These are my true thoughts...
My Past
08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003
09/01/2003 - 10/01/2003
10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003
11/01/2003 - 12/01/2003
12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004
01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004
02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005
06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005
10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
Favorite Websites
albinoblacksheep.com
www.myspace.com
www.ebaumsworld.com
Credits of the Creator
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Picture found @ Digital Blasphemy
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Argh
Nothing's working tonight... I had to change my password for this once again and I had to restore my ipod so it deleted all of my fucking songs because Joe Busko gave me a bunch of his shitty songs that I don't even like from his library and mine didn't recognize them so it alienated my freaking ipod and messed it up hardcore. So... I had to wipe the whole thing.
Other than that, I have a cold, I work tomorrow (4-11) so I want music for closing alone and I'm trying to charge my ipod so now I'm going to do that and then have to reload all of my songs from a downloader. This is going to take FOREVER! Might as well grab a bit to eat and facilitate...
Sweet flying spaghetti monster, it's quarter to 4 am! I'm listening to "Become" by Goo Goo Dolls and it just... it makes my stomach knot. It's simply amazing.
"You've been hiding in the shadows
Have you forgotten how we used to dream
Let me remind you
The light doesn't blind you at all
It just helps you see
Can you see
Yeah you have become
Yeah you have become beautiful"
It makes me shiver. Probably because I relate so well... Damn, I can fucking look in the mirror... no makeup, acne all over, tired, sick, and feel better than I did when I was with Dane. Part of me still wants that... that ignorance that I had before it ended. The ignorance Dane still carries in his heart. I'm happy, I'm me, and I'm doing what I want. Including this relationship with Logan. He is so beautiful to me. The way he talks, looks at me, holds me, runs his fingers up and down my back so caringly, the way I can just collapse into his arms and feel safe and happy, when he makes a girly sigh, pretends he's weak and is going to tip us over when we're standing. He just... gets me and it's so weird. I sigh and he knows if there's something behind it or not. He never says a word and I can tell if he's upset or not.
Tonight I told him there was a wall and he said it was his shyness and he said he'd take out the bulldozer and it was sooo cute. He just says things like that... (standing in Walmart looking at magazines "how to look super sexy this summer" with a girl and her boobs are pushed up) I said "guess I'll have to get a boob job" and he said "Only if I can get one too" and it just stopped everything in my mind. He's just so perfectly imperfect. Tonight he was... I couldn't let him go and he didn't want to leave but he has to wake up in an hour (5 am) for work and when he got home he wrote me a message before going to sleep and this is part of what was in it...
"so i was thinking, if we're still going out by the time i go to college(i really hope we are) what would we do?"
And then I started thinking and I really didn't know what to tell him because in 6 months he's leaving for Eau Clair- he'll go to UWEC for 8 months and become a lineman. This is so freaking weird because he already works full time so if I'm lucky I get to see him every other day for a couple of hours at night because we work opposing shifts. He works gets home at 5 pm and I'm usually at work by then. I almost never get morning shifts so I usually work 3-11, 4-11, 5-8, or 12-8 and he goes to sleep at 10 pm or earlier. So, it usually ends up where he's sacrificing sleep to be with me and it sucks. I've only been working at video for a month and I'm already sick of it. I want a stable 9-4 job where I can work mon-fri mornings and then have my nights and weekends off with Logan.
I should've applied at Laser Pros although I bet I wouldn't have gotten a morning shift anyway. I bet the pay is better as well compaired to $7/hour at video. That's what sucks about working a job where the pay was insane... every place after that may have a better work environment but the pay automatically sucks compaired to that which was three times more. Fucking $21/hour (automatic 40 hour weeks), $31.5 saturdays, and $42 sundays. Especially when I was usually working 10 and 12 hour shifts on Fridays and every other weekend. My tax refund's going to be fucking insane. I fucking hate money... it's stupid, complicated, and makes people greedy. What Logan's going to be... he'll be able to retire by 50 if he wants.
I want... I've no clue what I want. I want art, music, stability, and I don't think I'll ever have all of those. I should just go and be something I know I can do... Secretary. I already have two years experience although I'd hate dressing for office working, hate being stationary, hate being organized, hate staring at that pc screen for hours on end, I'd pretty much hate everything about it. I should get an appointment with a career planner. I need to sleep... waking up in 6 hours or so...
Nothing's working tonight... I had to change my password for this once again and I had to restore my ipod so it deleted all of my fucking songs because Joe Busko gave me a bunch of his shitty songs that I don't even like from his library and mine didn't recognize them so it alienated my freaking ipod and messed it up hardcore. So... I had to wipe the whole thing.
Other than that, I have a cold, I work tomorrow (4-11) so I want music for closing alone and I'm trying to charge my ipod so now I'm going to do that and then have to reload all of my songs from a downloader. This is going to take FOREVER! Might as well grab a bit to eat and facilitate...
Sweet flying spaghetti monster, it's quarter to 4 am! I'm listening to "Become" by Goo Goo Dolls and it just... it makes my stomach knot. It's simply amazing.
"You've been hiding in the shadows
Have you forgotten how we used to dream
Let me remind you
The light doesn't blind you at all
It just helps you see
Can you see
Yeah you have become
Yeah you have become beautiful"
It makes me shiver. Probably because I relate so well... Damn, I can fucking look in the mirror... no makeup, acne all over, tired, sick, and feel better than I did when I was with Dane. Part of me still wants that... that ignorance that I had before it ended. The ignorance Dane still carries in his heart. I'm happy, I'm me, and I'm doing what I want. Including this relationship with Logan. He is so beautiful to me. The way he talks, looks at me, holds me, runs his fingers up and down my back so caringly, the way I can just collapse into his arms and feel safe and happy, when he makes a girly sigh, pretends he's weak and is going to tip us over when we're standing. He just... gets me and it's so weird. I sigh and he knows if there's something behind it or not. He never says a word and I can tell if he's upset or not.
Tonight I told him there was a wall and he said it was his shyness and he said he'd take out the bulldozer and it was sooo cute. He just says things like that... (standing in Walmart looking at magazines "how to look super sexy this summer" with a girl and her boobs are pushed up) I said "guess I'll have to get a boob job" and he said "Only if I can get one too" and it just stopped everything in my mind. He's just so perfectly imperfect. Tonight he was... I couldn't let him go and he didn't want to leave but he has to wake up in an hour (5 am) for work and when he got home he wrote me a message before going to sleep and this is part of what was in it...
"so i was thinking, if we're still going out by the time i go to college(i really hope we are) what would we do?"
And then I started thinking and I really didn't know what to tell him because in 6 months he's leaving for Eau Clair- he'll go to UWEC for 8 months and become a lineman. This is so freaking weird because he already works full time so if I'm lucky I get to see him every other day for a couple of hours at night because we work opposing shifts. He works gets home at 5 pm and I'm usually at work by then. I almost never get morning shifts so I usually work 3-11, 4-11, 5-8, or 12-8 and he goes to sleep at 10 pm or earlier. So, it usually ends up where he's sacrificing sleep to be with me and it sucks. I've only been working at video for a month and I'm already sick of it. I want a stable 9-4 job where I can work mon-fri mornings and then have my nights and weekends off with Logan.
I should've applied at Laser Pros although I bet I wouldn't have gotten a morning shift anyway. I bet the pay is better as well compaired to $7/hour at video. That's what sucks about working a job where the pay was insane... every place after that may have a better work environment but the pay automatically sucks compaired to that which was three times more. Fucking $21/hour (automatic 40 hour weeks), $31.5 saturdays, and $42 sundays. Especially when I was usually working 10 and 12 hour shifts on Fridays and every other weekend. My tax refund's going to be fucking insane. I fucking hate money... it's stupid, complicated, and makes people greedy. What Logan's going to be... he'll be able to retire by 50 if he wants.
I want... I've no clue what I want. I want art, music, stability, and I don't think I'll ever have all of those. I should just go and be something I know I can do... Secretary. I already have two years experience although I'd hate dressing for office working, hate being stationary, hate being organized, hate staring at that pc screen for hours on end, I'd pretty much hate everything about it. I should get an appointment with a career planner. I need to sleep... waking up in 6 hours or so...
Mandy ~ 3:31 AM
Thursday, February 01, 2007
I hate...
I hate watching my favorite show, Grey's Anatomy, and seeing Burke and Christina... knowing he proposed to her, her not knowing if she can "have it all" man, love, career... and at the end (after having the ring the entire episode and never wearing it) she walks up to Burke and tells him she's "not a ring kind of girl" and he told her she still couldn't scrub in (interns practically beg to scrub in any possible chance). And for anyone else that doesn't watch this show, hang on, I know it doesn't make sense, yet... but they both say "ok" because... well simply because they want to make it work. They know they're different but they love each other and that's making sacrifices. Not changing who you are for them but accepting and loving the other person for who they are because that never changes. That's what you do when you're in love. I did it and I wished I could say I regret it simply so I could count it as another one of my mistakes and move on but...
Loving Dane was the best thing I've ever done. Even though it hurts now... memories, thoughts, everything, I know I love him. I realize it'll never be but for so long I thought... I was incapable. Guy after guy telling me they loved me and me just breaking their hearts. Dane breaking my heart is something I need to thank him for because had he not done it I didn't know it was possible. Before him I didn't love... at least not in that capacity. I never let myself be vulnerable to the point where I could just let everything else go including my heart. AND even though he broke it, I'm still thankful, still in pain, still where I was, but with one difference... the realization that it's helped me. With new insight... knowledge, and even with a broken heart I can persevere and become a better person knowing what it's felt like for Job. I always knew he was in pain but I didn't know how it felt.
I fell for a beautiful, bible boy and I always told myself I'd never let that happen and I guess I didn't... it just happened. You can't make yourself fall in love and if you could I would've chosen Job to be that person. That amazing connection, that strong vulnerability, and for having had that love I feel oddly complete. I know I'm not done yet... far from it but so much has just opened my eyes to so many new things it's almost overwhelming. I just need to take a breath and put one foot in front of the other... stop caring about all of the petty small things and really look at the whole picture. Life without love is futile and even though we die, love is eternal. I will love Dane. There will always be his place in my heart and I have to accept that.
This isn't the end, it's the beginning. We are all so very different and that is the most beautiful thing of all. I fell in love with Dane not with Christianity, his family, or his way of life but every aspect, every flaw, every beautiful thing about him. It was all equally wonderful to me and one day, I hope, he realizes how I feel about him. I know it won't change anything but hopefully, it will show him what I've seen. Find beauty in the flawed, inobvious, the hidden and you will find peace and love.
I hate watching my favorite show, Grey's Anatomy, and seeing Burke and Christina... knowing he proposed to her, her not knowing if she can "have it all" man, love, career... and at the end (after having the ring the entire episode and never wearing it) she walks up to Burke and tells him she's "not a ring kind of girl" and he told her she still couldn't scrub in (interns practically beg to scrub in any possible chance). And for anyone else that doesn't watch this show, hang on, I know it doesn't make sense, yet... but they both say "ok" because... well simply because they want to make it work. They know they're different but they love each other and that's making sacrifices. Not changing who you are for them but accepting and loving the other person for who they are because that never changes. That's what you do when you're in love. I did it and I wished I could say I regret it simply so I could count it as another one of my mistakes and move on but...
Loving Dane was the best thing I've ever done. Even though it hurts now... memories, thoughts, everything, I know I love him. I realize it'll never be but for so long I thought... I was incapable. Guy after guy telling me they loved me and me just breaking their hearts. Dane breaking my heart is something I need to thank him for because had he not done it I didn't know it was possible. Before him I didn't love... at least not in that capacity. I never let myself be vulnerable to the point where I could just let everything else go including my heart. AND even though he broke it, I'm still thankful, still in pain, still where I was, but with one difference... the realization that it's helped me. With new insight... knowledge, and even with a broken heart I can persevere and become a better person knowing what it's felt like for Job. I always knew he was in pain but I didn't know how it felt.
I fell for a beautiful, bible boy and I always told myself I'd never let that happen and I guess I didn't... it just happened. You can't make yourself fall in love and if you could I would've chosen Job to be that person. That amazing connection, that strong vulnerability, and for having had that love I feel oddly complete. I know I'm not done yet... far from it but so much has just opened my eyes to so many new things it's almost overwhelming. I just need to take a breath and put one foot in front of the other... stop caring about all of the petty small things and really look at the whole picture. Life without love is futile and even though we die, love is eternal. I will love Dane. There will always be his place in my heart and I have to accept that.
This isn't the end, it's the beginning. We are all so very different and that is the most beautiful thing of all. I fell in love with Dane not with Christianity, his family, or his way of life but every aspect, every flaw, every beautiful thing about him. It was all equally wonderful to me and one day, I hope, he realizes how I feel about him. I know it won't change anything but hopefully, it will show him what I've seen. Find beauty in the flawed, inobvious, the hidden and you will find peace and love.
As for the title- the one thing I hate is simply nothing at all.
Mandy ~ 10:25 PM