~The Music of My Life~

Thursday, July 24, 2003

Another Day, Has Anything Changed?

I still haven't heard from Adam and that makes it eight days now. I went over to my grandparents last night and worked, and babysat, Lexy, 3 and Robbie, 5/6 (not sure of his age). They're the kids of my Mississippi cousins whom I haven't seen since I was 5 so I was happy to see them and yet it was weird that I was that young when I last saw them and now I was taking care of their kids that are that young. I hate knowing that my lifes passing me by and it's not stopping.

Well besides that I talked to Josh and he told me that he told Matt about the whole write up I did on our previous relationship (A Little History: Matt and Me, which is in the archives of this page, top right click archives). At first he joked about something that happened. He said that the night I was so quiet when Matt got icecream with his mom and mom's friend that I wanted to lose my virginity to him that night but I got my period and I couldn't. I got so mad at Josh for lying and he was like Matt straight tripped for 15 minutes and then I told him I was just fucking with him. To tell the truth I don't know what to expect to happen out of all of this... I guess I'm just hoping that Matt will stop hating or disliking me and just I don't know, forget about me? I want to be over him and I don't know how I'll accomplish that because going out with three other guys didn't help and I'm going to try again with Adam and hopefully I won't fall in love with Adam but I'll get over Matt completely. Right now I can say I don't want Matt anymore because I don't like him like that anymore... I still think he's attractive but that has nothing to do with liking him.

Now I only like two guys and they're Mike and Adam and everyone's telling me to go out with Mike but I like Adam because I'm more attracted to him... his body, his attitude, just him. I also like Mike's body and attitude but there's something more about Adam that seems like something I want more than Mike. If there were no Adam I'd most definitely go out with Mike. It's just that Adam's older, and he has this charisma and charm about him that's undeniably sexy. Then again there's something about Mike that's the same and yet with Adam it seems like more. I think it may be linked to the fact that Mike completely blew me off when I had a crush on him at the beginning of the year. I remember telling Lia, one of Mike's exs at the beginning of the year that I liked Mike and then a couple of days later she started going out with him, again. So it got me frusterated and I completely ignored Mike for some time until they broke up and Mike started showing interest in me. I was suspicious because I knew Mike really liked Lia and wanted her back so I assumed (being the protective person I am) that Mike was going to use me as a rebound to get back with Lia and of course I wasn't going to let that happen and have everyone feel sorry for me like what my close friend went through.

With Adam it was never a matter of him trying to get over a past girlfriend but that he liked me and I liked him and that's all it was... except I always thought it was a crush because I never thought in a million years he'd like me back and I just found out a few months ago that he's liked me ever since he first saw me. I kind of had a hint when he spent all night with me at the yearbook signing party. We even hugged and we both maintained eye contact and talked about everything that was on our minds. For me remaining conversation like that and being able to talk about anything and everything is crutial. That's about it... I feel I'm more attracted to Adam because he's never brought anyone else up and he's got that whole charm and charisma as well as being older and I'm always attracted to older guys, but I'm still attracted to Mike.

Mandy ~ 12:07 AM