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Sunday, July 27, 2003
Any Title More Fitting Than Ironic? NO...
Well my mom's pretty distressed about something. Earlier my dad told my mom he wants a divorce and my mom offered that he can leave anytime he please. It most likely goes without saying that all of the kids, Sarah, Ben, Kate, and myself would rather stay with our mom. I told my mom that I love her and I tried to cheer her up and I was dancing and singing. So she then came downstairs to sew on her sewing machine because that's one of the things she does when she's upset.
Last time she got really upset she baked and cooked a lot of things and did all of the shopping for the week early and Sarah and I noticed something was wrong but she wouldn't say. That next morning she was gone and there were two letters; one to dad and one to all of the kids. Basically what they said were 'you take me for granted and i can't stand this without having a mental break down' and in the one she wrote to dad it basically swore at him.
Our dad is good, he almost never drinks and when he does he never gets drunk, no matter what he supports our family because he does love us no matter what he says to point out all of our personal flaws and make us feel horrible. I feel like when he does this he's telling us we suck and that's a weak point that we can fix. Now the problem here is both of my parents grew up working since they could and my mom's always wanted to shelter us from that. Even now there's some things she can't even talk about and it depresses her to think about... well things from her previous life and I won't elaborate on what I know because it's bad enough to know what little I know myself. From her previous life my mom has tried to protect all four of her children as much as possible so what came out of that was four very spoiled kids.
Well we aren't spoiled like we get whatever we want because I get what I need and more just not a lot of what I want, if that makes sense. I know the value of money and I usually don't end up asking for some unless I go to the movies and then I always try to use my birthday money and I hardly ever go to the movies and I've only gone bowling like maybe 5 times ever. We're all spoiled with love, too much love. Now, when everyone's so busy I'm selfish in that I only want everyone to all be here and I end up being the only one home and I never do anything productive and i get frusterated when everyone else does stuff and all I want to do is stay home and be with my family. I realize that everyone is changing and Ben's always mean now, and Sarah is pretty selfish so she doesn't care really about anything, and dad is always gone at work or sleeping, and my mom's always busy with housework or talking on the phone or watching her show.
I could always count on Kate but now even she is occupied, with Jeff her boyfriend of almost 5 months by tomorrow. Don't get me wrong because I'm happy for her but I'll say it again that I'm selfish and sometimes (ok a lot of the time) at night I'd try to keep her awake (because we share a room) and I'd tell her we could talk about anything she wanted to but most of the time it's 'I wanna go to sleep, Jeff's coming early tomorrow' or if she does talk it's about him and I kind of regret asking to talk because she'll go on forever about Jeff and then it makes me want to have something like that. No matter what I'm always grateful for the banter and now Kate and Jeff are in their normal routine of making out and whispering on the couch, right behind me.
It bothers me to no end to hear that... I love the moment when he walks up the stairs. I hate to know Kate gets mad at me when I try to drive him away and yet she forgives me when she uses that part of the brain we share and she feels my sorrow and pain. I have to go now because my computer is lagging so that means it's going down.
Well my mom's pretty distressed about something. Earlier my dad told my mom he wants a divorce and my mom offered that he can leave anytime he please. It most likely goes without saying that all of the kids, Sarah, Ben, Kate, and myself would rather stay with our mom. I told my mom that I love her and I tried to cheer her up and I was dancing and singing. So she then came downstairs to sew on her sewing machine because that's one of the things she does when she's upset.
Last time she got really upset she baked and cooked a lot of things and did all of the shopping for the week early and Sarah and I noticed something was wrong but she wouldn't say. That next morning she was gone and there were two letters; one to dad and one to all of the kids. Basically what they said were 'you take me for granted and i can't stand this without having a mental break down' and in the one she wrote to dad it basically swore at him.
Our dad is good, he almost never drinks and when he does he never gets drunk, no matter what he supports our family because he does love us no matter what he says to point out all of our personal flaws and make us feel horrible. I feel like when he does this he's telling us we suck and that's a weak point that we can fix. Now the problem here is both of my parents grew up working since they could and my mom's always wanted to shelter us from that. Even now there's some things she can't even talk about and it depresses her to think about... well things from her previous life and I won't elaborate on what I know because it's bad enough to know what little I know myself. From her previous life my mom has tried to protect all four of her children as much as possible so what came out of that was four very spoiled kids.
Well we aren't spoiled like we get whatever we want because I get what I need and more just not a lot of what I want, if that makes sense. I know the value of money and I usually don't end up asking for some unless I go to the movies and then I always try to use my birthday money and I hardly ever go to the movies and I've only gone bowling like maybe 5 times ever. We're all spoiled with love, too much love. Now, when everyone's so busy I'm selfish in that I only want everyone to all be here and I end up being the only one home and I never do anything productive and i get frusterated when everyone else does stuff and all I want to do is stay home and be with my family. I realize that everyone is changing and Ben's always mean now, and Sarah is pretty selfish so she doesn't care really about anything, and dad is always gone at work or sleeping, and my mom's always busy with housework or talking on the phone or watching her show.
I could always count on Kate but now even she is occupied, with Jeff her boyfriend of almost 5 months by tomorrow. Don't get me wrong because I'm happy for her but I'll say it again that I'm selfish and sometimes (ok a lot of the time) at night I'd try to keep her awake (because we share a room) and I'd tell her we could talk about anything she wanted to but most of the time it's 'I wanna go to sleep, Jeff's coming early tomorrow' or if she does talk it's about him and I kind of regret asking to talk because she'll go on forever about Jeff and then it makes me want to have something like that. No matter what I'm always grateful for the banter and now Kate and Jeff are in their normal routine of making out and whispering on the couch, right behind me.
It bothers me to no end to hear that... I love the moment when he walks up the stairs. I hate to know Kate gets mad at me when I try to drive him away and yet she forgives me when she uses that part of the brain we share and she feels my sorrow and pain. I have to go now because my computer is lagging so that means it's going down.
Mandy ~ 12:35 AM