~The Music of My Life~

Monday, July 07, 2003

Little History: Matt and Me

As soon as I got done with the first entry and after reading my friend, Emily's entry I decided to put up a little history. Well I'll start with a relationship I had that ended almost a year ago. I figured I'm going to be writing a lot about a guy named Matt and it's only fair to those to know a little history about him.

Well the first and only class I've ever had with him was the class that led us to go out over this past summer. We had gym 1st hour, 4th quarter our Freshman year. We somewhat got to know each other (about as well as you can get to know each other between working out or playing a game). I remember the night he called and asked me to go paintballing and my sister asked him out for me and how embarassed I was that she did and not myself. Well we went paintballing and from then on I went to his house every day for almost two months that summer. He worked at Country Kitchen and when his mom went to pick him up she'd drop by my house and pick me up as well. I'd spend all day with him usually just being together and not really doing anything and it was so nice to just lay with him and feel the way I did.

Well I let outside influences effect our relationship and me but Matt was always willing to look past it because he was such a great guy. Well without getting this too personal I can basically sum it up as my mom saw we were getting too involved and she didn't want me to go out with him for a long time and then break up and be even more hurt. Well me being the good little girl my parents raised of course I had to listen to her because Mother knows best, right? I thought that was the way it went but after I realized how much of a mistake I did make in doing so and I've always regretted it because who knows where our relationship would've gone?

Well since then Matt and I haven't been on the best terms although I hope one day I can talk to him and tell him everything and have him just listen and try to understand. I'm not mad at him and I never really was although he said some nasty things to Kate (my younger sister) and there was an incident at Hodag Lanes where supposedly he was being a jerk to Sarah (my older sister) and it's probably because of me. He's also said some mean things to me on msn but that's the way guys are and I guess in some way I deserved them or he wouldn't have done it. *sigh* Well that's pretty much the history of Matt and me and now when I say his name you'll know who it is.

I still think of or have the occasional dream about him and he's never completely out of my mind. When people ask if I've ever been in love I say once, but now it's gone and if I could I'd say it's the biggest mistake I've made. I'm trying to get over him and other mistakes I've made were going out with other guys so soon because I thought that would help but it only made it worse because I thought about Matt instead of the boyfriend. Since Matt I've gone out with 3 guys, Treder, Jake, and Scott. To this day the only guy I've ever been emotionally attached to or physically done anything with is still Matt. Right now I sort of have a thing with a guy in Kuwait. His name is Adam Reynolds and I'm really hoping that I can have a relationship like the one I had with Matt or just be able to able to get over him because I know I can never have Matt back. Somehow I'm secretly hoping he'll find this and read it and maybe want to just talk but I'm not expecting anything else because it's not healthy to hold onto the whole thing especially since he's let it go. Well that's about it and I hope I didn't completely bore you.

Mandy ~ 3:22 PM