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Tuesday, August 05, 2003
As I try... Quietly I Cry
The last few times I read Mike's entries they've made me cry. Never did I ever want to hurt anyone and especially not as badly as I did to him. It seems I could only come on today now and I must force myself to keep my sobs of pain quiet so I don't get in trouble. I hope this doesn't offend you Mike but I'm going to copy some of what you wrote... i like amanda as i've said before. i don't think that's ever gonna change. i think she may want to back off from me. so that we become less attracted towards eachother and there is less pain. sometimes, i think about what if we did just go out. When he wrote that... it's like he's asking me to lead him on and cause him even more pain and as I write this I know tomorrow when he gets the time he'll read this. I can't keep it to myself... my feelings are being stressed and the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone and what will I do by just flirting with him like before... leading him on and he's practically asking for me to hurt him even more than he is right now.
everytime she comes online i feel just a bit better and then she leaves and i feel.....yeah. i sound like im a stalker. obssesed with amanda. maybe it's because i get attached sometimes. especially with her i got attached. attracted to her in every way. we're so similar. ... i know she likes me. i know she hates this. we both hate this. she doesn't want to hurt anyone. He's right, he knows how I feel about everything because we've talked about it so much. It feels great to know someone I like likes me so much and then it makes me feel horrible to know a guy is being put through hell in Iraq and who does he look forward to seeing and being with when he comes home... me. I like them both and I'm torn and I just want to please them both so what do I do?
Do I continue this fantasy with Mike until Adam comes home and then painfully rip it away from him and run to Adam who won't know he's secretly comforting me because of it? I know that if I let this continue I will get more attached to Mike and it will get worse and cause more pain if I end it later. Or should I deny Mike and let us be lonely although we crave each others attention... but I know in the long run it would have been better to end it soon than let it drag out and painfully die like a trapped animal in it's suffering torment. Be happy for a little while longer and then have to suffer more at the end... is that what I really want? I'm trying to push Mike away and save his and my feelings (exactly like the first part of his blogger that I copied). He is so much like me and that probably means he will suffer just as much or maybe more. amanda never said, it would never happen. she said, that it would be better not to happen. i know then, that however alike we are, and however much she likes me and i like her, a man she has seen only a couple of times has her heart in his grasp. he better not fuck it up. because if he decides to squeeze the heart he holds, not only i will be angry. i am not the only one who cares for her. i wish that someday, things will look up for me, and this will all work out. and i hope, that my feelings do not fall on deaf ears.
And that right there is why I can't understand if I'm doing the wrong thing... I know he'll forgive me if I do, somehow he'll give me that second chance... I think. u may think that your not an award......i do. only very rarely do u come along someone, who is like you. i must go to sleep now, but please do not forget me. do not forget what i feel. do not ignore me. do not change the way you talk to me because it's "awkward". treat me as u did before. talk with me as we did before. and then maybe, i can have that feeling again. of actually being wanted. Remembering how frusterated I got when he referred to me as an award but it seems like the way he explained it excused that. I never wanted to be an award to any man... a trophie of sorts because I can't be owned and the way he said it was that made me feel that I couldn't be owned but had to let a man love me to "own" me. Then his wish for me to treat him the same... why is it that they always want you more even though in the end they know you'll cause them pain? That no matter the cost it seems worth it to risk it all even if they don't "win". To him it seems like he'll risk it all just for a little more time and how can I deny him that? Especially when my own heart tells me to let him love me because I need to be loved for it's been so long since I've enjoyed that mutual love... Mike how will I ever let down this guard to protect not only my feelings but yours?
The last few times I read Mike's entries they've made me cry. Never did I ever want to hurt anyone and especially not as badly as I did to him. It seems I could only come on today now and I must force myself to keep my sobs of pain quiet so I don't get in trouble. I hope this doesn't offend you Mike but I'm going to copy some of what you wrote... i like amanda as i've said before. i don't think that's ever gonna change. i think she may want to back off from me. so that we become less attracted towards eachother and there is less pain. sometimes, i think about what if we did just go out. When he wrote that... it's like he's asking me to lead him on and cause him even more pain and as I write this I know tomorrow when he gets the time he'll read this. I can't keep it to myself... my feelings are being stressed and the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone and what will I do by just flirting with him like before... leading him on and he's practically asking for me to hurt him even more than he is right now.
everytime she comes online i feel just a bit better and then she leaves and i feel.....yeah. i sound like im a stalker. obssesed with amanda. maybe it's because i get attached sometimes. especially with her i got attached. attracted to her in every way. we're so similar. ... i know she likes me. i know she hates this. we both hate this. she doesn't want to hurt anyone. He's right, he knows how I feel about everything because we've talked about it so much. It feels great to know someone I like likes me so much and then it makes me feel horrible to know a guy is being put through hell in Iraq and who does he look forward to seeing and being with when he comes home... me. I like them both and I'm torn and I just want to please them both so what do I do?
Do I continue this fantasy with Mike until Adam comes home and then painfully rip it away from him and run to Adam who won't know he's secretly comforting me because of it? I know that if I let this continue I will get more attached to Mike and it will get worse and cause more pain if I end it later. Or should I deny Mike and let us be lonely although we crave each others attention... but I know in the long run it would have been better to end it soon than let it drag out and painfully die like a trapped animal in it's suffering torment. Be happy for a little while longer and then have to suffer more at the end... is that what I really want? I'm trying to push Mike away and save his and my feelings (exactly like the first part of his blogger that I copied). He is so much like me and that probably means he will suffer just as much or maybe more. amanda never said, it would never happen. she said, that it would be better not to happen. i know then, that however alike we are, and however much she likes me and i like her, a man she has seen only a couple of times has her heart in his grasp. he better not fuck it up. because if he decides to squeeze the heart he holds, not only i will be angry. i am not the only one who cares for her. i wish that someday, things will look up for me, and this will all work out. and i hope, that my feelings do not fall on deaf ears.
And that right there is why I can't understand if I'm doing the wrong thing... I know he'll forgive me if I do, somehow he'll give me that second chance... I think. u may think that your not an award......i do. only very rarely do u come along someone, who is like you. i must go to sleep now, but please do not forget me. do not forget what i feel. do not ignore me. do not change the way you talk to me because it's "awkward". treat me as u did before. talk with me as we did before. and then maybe, i can have that feeling again. of actually being wanted. Remembering how frusterated I got when he referred to me as an award but it seems like the way he explained it excused that. I never wanted to be an award to any man... a trophie of sorts because I can't be owned and the way he said it was that made me feel that I couldn't be owned but had to let a man love me to "own" me. Then his wish for me to treat him the same... why is it that they always want you more even though in the end they know you'll cause them pain? That no matter the cost it seems worth it to risk it all even if they don't "win". To him it seems like he'll risk it all just for a little more time and how can I deny him that? Especially when my own heart tells me to let him love me because I need to be loved for it's been so long since I've enjoyed that mutual love... Mike how will I ever let down this guard to protect not only my feelings but yours?
Mandy ~ 2:18 AM