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Sunday, August 03, 2003
Nothing is Certain
That's life for you. I think I've decided I don't want a boyfriend. I've decided I want to be a hermit and that everyone will just leave me alone. That's the thing though because I can't just try to avoid life and everyone in it. If I don't choose between Mike and Adam they'll both get mad because it seems like I toyed with them. In a way I did because I never knew what I wanted. That was the last thing I ever wanted to do though was hurt Mike or Adam and it seems like I've gotten myself too involved not to do that. Life is involved and no matter what I do I can't help but get involved with something or someone.
Last night I was trying to escape my life and everything in it that worried me that I just clung to Mike. I want to feel loved and I'm always home and I always get ignored here. Being with Mike actually made me feel wanted. I'm sorry Mike about everything. I just wanted to make everyone happy and by doing so I just make the situation worse. It was so nice to hang out with everyone last night. I actually felt horrible about going off with Jason and leaving my company. While I was gone Katie Barbian left and I felt so horrible... I think I should write her an apology e-mail. Then there's Mike and my mom told me he was actually going to go looking for me but for some reason decided he wouldn't. I felt bad and mentioned in between topics to Jason that we might be missed at the party and he just said 'I won't be missed' and that made me feel so horrible how he feels so unwanted. *sigh*
That's life for you. I think I've decided I don't want a boyfriend. I've decided I want to be a hermit and that everyone will just leave me alone. That's the thing though because I can't just try to avoid life and everyone in it. If I don't choose between Mike and Adam they'll both get mad because it seems like I toyed with them. In a way I did because I never knew what I wanted. That was the last thing I ever wanted to do though was hurt Mike or Adam and it seems like I've gotten myself too involved not to do that. Life is involved and no matter what I do I can't help but get involved with something or someone.
Last night I was trying to escape my life and everything in it that worried me that I just clung to Mike. I want to feel loved and I'm always home and I always get ignored here. Being with Mike actually made me feel wanted. I'm sorry Mike about everything. I just wanted to make everyone happy and by doing so I just make the situation worse. It was so nice to hang out with everyone last night. I actually felt horrible about going off with Jason and leaving my company. While I was gone Katie Barbian left and I felt so horrible... I think I should write her an apology e-mail. Then there's Mike and my mom told me he was actually going to go looking for me but for some reason decided he wouldn't. I felt bad and mentioned in between topics to Jason that we might be missed at the party and he just said 'I won't be missed' and that made me feel so horrible how he feels so unwanted. *sigh*
Mandy ~ 5:36 PM