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Sunday, August 03, 2003
Two Parties, One Night
Well first I went to Jeff's graduation/leaving for the service party and then I went to Sarah's (sister) party which was here, at home. Well I went to Jeff's party with the whole family except Ben and we stayed there from 3-5:30. Then Sarah took me home and I invited Katie Barbian(who I saw at the party), Emily Evenson, and Mike Hill to come to Sarah's party. Well all of Jeff's friends showed up at 8 although they weren't supposed to come until 8:30. That was a problem because Sarah took a nap and Mike called me when his parents left so I could pick him up. Sarah told me to wake her up at 7 and I tried about 10 times and finally got her up at 8 when I told her people were already coming.
Then my dad took me to get Mike and Mike and I walked around until Emily and Katie came and then we all hung out. Mike and I got pretty cozy quick and suprisingly my parents didn't say anything when they saw me hanging on Mike. They reserved their comments for after "Adam's going to feel really great if you tell him you're going out with Mike, he doesn't need anymore bad news" from my mom and my dad didn't really say anything, to my face because he always reserves his comments until the end of the relationship proves them right. I layed with Mike during the fireworks, on the couch, and we were almost together all night except for when I went off with Jason down on the dock.
I talked with Jason just about life and religion and other things. It's weird because Jason and I have the same reason for not believing in God. I won't get into my disbelief in religion because people judge me on what I say; especially if they're religious and then they try to force believing upon me. Let's just say I do what I want and it takes a lot of forcing to get me to do something I'm against and come to think of it I can't ever think of a time when someone did force me to do something. My problem is there aren't a whole lot of things I'm against and I should really be less open to things. Yes, this sounds stupid but my willingness to try new things often gets me in trouble or into a situation I can't handle nor one I want to be in.
Like this whole thing with Mike and Adam... tonight Kate kept mouthing the words 'go out with him'(pertaining to Mike) and I didn't feel like it was right. Then Kate said we were going to play truth or dare and it was just Emily, Mike, Jeff, Kate, and me in the living room and by this time everyone had left including Sarah and Ben. I said truth and Kate dared me to kiss Mike and I shook my head because I didn't want to have to tell Adam I'd kissed another guy because it would kill him. Ok, I did heavily flirt with Mike all night long and it was almost like we were going out and I'm sure those who didn't know our situation probably thought we were going out, but I feel kissing a guy is passing that line between something being ok and something turning into a really tough situation.
Here it is... I do like Mike and I do like Adam. I want to cry because of what I've caused and somehow I just want to be able to escape it and let all guys think I'm unattractive and not want me. I want so badly to just not have all these confusing feelings. As much as I know saying this will bring me to step back into the past, but I want Matt back. More than anything I just want to be with him and love him and him love me. Now come the tears I supressed while flirting with Mike. I guess Mike was happy to come over tonight and be with me and I was happy but I'm so confused and I just want to take it one step at a time and it's doing anything but that. No matter if I'm taking steps backward or forwards it's not doing anything I can work with.
When I was with Matt that was all there was. It was him and me and it was simple because I only liked him and only wanted him. Whenever I saw another guy I might've been attracted to before I was with Matt during our relationship I'd compare him to Matt and how he was nothing in comparision. I loved waking up and remembering the dreams I had about him and then going to his house and spending all day with him. Nothing seems to compare to Matt and I'm trying to get something better and I just keep stepping back into the fact that it was so perfect with Matt. I'm not saying perfect in the way that it was flawless but that it was perfect for me. *sigh*
I want to love again but I don't because I fear what happened with Matt... more like what I allowed to happen because I was ignorant, and gullible. It's better for me mom? This is so confusing and nothing was easier in my life than being with Matt. Is my mom trying to show me how unfair life is by taking it into her own hands? I honestly don't know what to do about Mike and Adam and I just want to pretend nothing happened and that no guys like me and I know exactly what I want to do with my life and all I have to do is live it and choose the paths to my destiny, fate, or just to my life.
Somehow I can still smell Mike... it's a nice smell and I like being with him when my brain doesn't tell me to think of getting better than Matt or what about Adam? It tells me not to do anything with Mike because I'll regret it or that what if I do and I fall in love with him... he likes me so much, or at least he pretends to. I don't know why anyone would pretend but I wouldn't want to admit to doing that, acting because I have no idea what I want. I've always liked the ones who don't like me or I know I wouldn't have a chance with because then it's so easy to be turned down and not have to worry about situations like this.
In part of our conversation on the dock I told Jason about the Mike and Adam thing. He knows about Adam but he had no idea there was another guy. I was kind of hanging on Mike and Jason saw so I'm sure he had some questions about that and I wanted to answer them first hand because nothing is worse than finding out last minute. Like earlier, right before we left to talk on the dock he saw Ben and Melanie sitting in the same chair, flirting and he pointed at them and turned to me and said "like that, I didn't know about them until well a few minutes ago" and I didn't want to tell him that they'd been going out for at least a week now. Jason told me he had no idea what to do about my situation and I told him it was something I had to solve myself and I was just telling a friend who would listen because it seems easier to tell a friend so that someone knows.
I like Jason a lot because he's always so concerned with his friend's problems. It's weird though because we aren't friends but we kind of are? I just know that I can tell him anything and he seems to tell me a lot about what he's thinking. He hides so much and I'm sure it's very hard for him to deal with everything considering... well everything. *sigh* How to talk about things without talking about them? Maybe I'll need to take a 101 class on it "How to talk 101". Haha, I'm pretty sure I know how to talk but some things aren't supposed to be said and what I'm trying to get at is I'm not trying to keep any secrets but that I will keep all my friend's secrets. Wow, this entry is already 10 paragraphs long.
It's funny how I've been trying to be all English-correct on everything. Like in previous entries I'd always write out numbers like ten or whatever because that's the correct way but I'm lazy, hehe. I wonder if Jason considers me a friend. I like hanging out with Jason because he's himself, nothing to hide... he'll tell if you ask because as he told me he won't conceal the truth with lies although he said it a different way. There's something undeniably genuine about Jason and I always want him now when I want to talk to someone. I want to somehow contact Jason whenever I really need to talk to someone because he's so good at handling situations... no let me take that back, he's good at handling my situations, haha. He's always fun to be around too because we always play around like play fighting and just I don't know... he's the kind of person that has this magnatism that makes you always want to be their friend... I've never met anyone like him, and somehow I feel that I will never meet another person like him. What Jason pocesses is rare and I'm amazed and happy for Sarah for bringing him into my life. He's genuine everything, 100% real and that is him.
Well first I went to Jeff's graduation/leaving for the service party and then I went to Sarah's (sister) party which was here, at home. Well I went to Jeff's party with the whole family except Ben and we stayed there from 3-5:30. Then Sarah took me home and I invited Katie Barbian(who I saw at the party), Emily Evenson, and Mike Hill to come to Sarah's party. Well all of Jeff's friends showed up at 8 although they weren't supposed to come until 8:30. That was a problem because Sarah took a nap and Mike called me when his parents left so I could pick him up. Sarah told me to wake her up at 7 and I tried about 10 times and finally got her up at 8 when I told her people were already coming.
Then my dad took me to get Mike and Mike and I walked around until Emily and Katie came and then we all hung out. Mike and I got pretty cozy quick and suprisingly my parents didn't say anything when they saw me hanging on Mike. They reserved their comments for after "Adam's going to feel really great if you tell him you're going out with Mike, he doesn't need anymore bad news" from my mom and my dad didn't really say anything, to my face because he always reserves his comments until the end of the relationship proves them right. I layed with Mike during the fireworks, on the couch, and we were almost together all night except for when I went off with Jason down on the dock.
I talked with Jason just about life and religion and other things. It's weird because Jason and I have the same reason for not believing in God. I won't get into my disbelief in religion because people judge me on what I say; especially if they're religious and then they try to force believing upon me. Let's just say I do what I want and it takes a lot of forcing to get me to do something I'm against and come to think of it I can't ever think of a time when someone did force me to do something. My problem is there aren't a whole lot of things I'm against and I should really be less open to things. Yes, this sounds stupid but my willingness to try new things often gets me in trouble or into a situation I can't handle nor one I want to be in.
Like this whole thing with Mike and Adam... tonight Kate kept mouthing the words 'go out with him'(pertaining to Mike) and I didn't feel like it was right. Then Kate said we were going to play truth or dare and it was just Emily, Mike, Jeff, Kate, and me in the living room and by this time everyone had left including Sarah and Ben. I said truth and Kate dared me to kiss Mike and I shook my head because I didn't want to have to tell Adam I'd kissed another guy because it would kill him. Ok, I did heavily flirt with Mike all night long and it was almost like we were going out and I'm sure those who didn't know our situation probably thought we were going out, but I feel kissing a guy is passing that line between something being ok and something turning into a really tough situation.
Here it is... I do like Mike and I do like Adam. I want to cry because of what I've caused and somehow I just want to be able to escape it and let all guys think I'm unattractive and not want me. I want so badly to just not have all these confusing feelings. As much as I know saying this will bring me to step back into the past, but I want Matt back. More than anything I just want to be with him and love him and him love me. Now come the tears I supressed while flirting with Mike. I guess Mike was happy to come over tonight and be with me and I was happy but I'm so confused and I just want to take it one step at a time and it's doing anything but that. No matter if I'm taking steps backward or forwards it's not doing anything I can work with.
When I was with Matt that was all there was. It was him and me and it was simple because I only liked him and only wanted him. Whenever I saw another guy I might've been attracted to before I was with Matt during our relationship I'd compare him to Matt and how he was nothing in comparision. I loved waking up and remembering the dreams I had about him and then going to his house and spending all day with him. Nothing seems to compare to Matt and I'm trying to get something better and I just keep stepping back into the fact that it was so perfect with Matt. I'm not saying perfect in the way that it was flawless but that it was perfect for me. *sigh*
I want to love again but I don't because I fear what happened with Matt... more like what I allowed to happen because I was ignorant, and gullible. It's better for me mom? This is so confusing and nothing was easier in my life than being with Matt. Is my mom trying to show me how unfair life is by taking it into her own hands? I honestly don't know what to do about Mike and Adam and I just want to pretend nothing happened and that no guys like me and I know exactly what I want to do with my life and all I have to do is live it and choose the paths to my destiny, fate, or just to my life.
Somehow I can still smell Mike... it's a nice smell and I like being with him when my brain doesn't tell me to think of getting better than Matt or what about Adam? It tells me not to do anything with Mike because I'll regret it or that what if I do and I fall in love with him... he likes me so much, or at least he pretends to. I don't know why anyone would pretend but I wouldn't want to admit to doing that, acting because I have no idea what I want. I've always liked the ones who don't like me or I know I wouldn't have a chance with because then it's so easy to be turned down and not have to worry about situations like this.
In part of our conversation on the dock I told Jason about the Mike and Adam thing. He knows about Adam but he had no idea there was another guy. I was kind of hanging on Mike and Jason saw so I'm sure he had some questions about that and I wanted to answer them first hand because nothing is worse than finding out last minute. Like earlier, right before we left to talk on the dock he saw Ben and Melanie sitting in the same chair, flirting and he pointed at them and turned to me and said "like that, I didn't know about them until well a few minutes ago" and I didn't want to tell him that they'd been going out for at least a week now. Jason told me he had no idea what to do about my situation and I told him it was something I had to solve myself and I was just telling a friend who would listen because it seems easier to tell a friend so that someone knows.
I like Jason a lot because he's always so concerned with his friend's problems. It's weird though because we aren't friends but we kind of are? I just know that I can tell him anything and he seems to tell me a lot about what he's thinking. He hides so much and I'm sure it's very hard for him to deal with everything considering... well everything. *sigh* How to talk about things without talking about them? Maybe I'll need to take a 101 class on it "How to talk 101". Haha, I'm pretty sure I know how to talk but some things aren't supposed to be said and what I'm trying to get at is I'm not trying to keep any secrets but that I will keep all my friend's secrets. Wow, this entry is already 10 paragraphs long.
It's funny how I've been trying to be all English-correct on everything. Like in previous entries I'd always write out numbers like ten or whatever because that's the correct way but I'm lazy, hehe. I wonder if Jason considers me a friend. I like hanging out with Jason because he's himself, nothing to hide... he'll tell if you ask because as he told me he won't conceal the truth with lies although he said it a different way. There's something undeniably genuine about Jason and I always want him now when I want to talk to someone. I want to somehow contact Jason whenever I really need to talk to someone because he's so good at handling situations... no let me take that back, he's good at handling my situations, haha. He's always fun to be around too because we always play around like play fighting and just I don't know... he's the kind of person that has this magnatism that makes you always want to be their friend... I've never met anyone like him, and somehow I feel that I will never meet another person like him. What Jason pocesses is rare and I'm amazed and happy for Sarah for bringing him into my life. He's genuine everything, 100% real and that is him.
Mandy ~ 3:57 AM