Who I Am
These are my true thoughts...
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08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003
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albinoblacksheep.com
www.myspace.com
www.ebaumsworld.com
Credits of the Creator
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Wednesday, November 05, 2003
Meep
That's my supressed happy scream. I don't know why, well I do but I don't know why I'm happy right now. Seeing Zach earlier made me very happy and he gave me four different pictures of himself and I scanned them in already. Sometimes I just remember how happy I am and it's the best feeling to like Zach and to know he likes me back. This can't be too long because my dad told me to get off so he can check his e-mail and do other stuff. So I'm checking his mail just so I can write a little more in here. I was just writing this about 10 minutes ago and the pc shut down on me and deleted the two paragraphs I had so I'm just trying to remember what I wrote. About the dream in the previous blog... Kate was typing up Sarah's college report and reading it over for her and she told me that dancing in dreams is connected to sexual desire. So I'm glad I was doing the classical waltz and not like square dancing. I wonder if different dances represent different sexual desires or just more specifics on the whole topic.
So today was the second day of new quarter and first of all I'm happy I started the school week on a Tuesday. So all of a sudden I'm melencholy. Grrr, I really hate how my moods fluxuate. Zach went to see the third Matrix movie tonight and we talked for a couple of minutes online and then he just logged because he was tired. I wanted to talk to him so much and he even invited me to go with him but I can't do things on school nights. So I'm writing this later than the first part because I had to suddenly post it because my dad told me i had to get off. I was going to do all of my Sociology homework early but I guess that didn't happen and I have tomorrow's skinny study hall because I have Sociology 4th hour.
I didn't even tell Zach I dropped Alg 2b... one less time I get to see him for a few seconds to hold his hand and talk while he goes all the way down the hall just to walk me to my class. *sigh* I miss him already... we didn't really talk today and that's weird because we usually talk so much. I'm so upset with myself because I just gave up... I had a challenge and I gave up. What is that really going to do for me? If I always do that I'll never get anywhere in life.
Ok, I'm sure you're really confused right now... I dropped Alg 2b and I just decided that while I was sitting in class staring at the book and not understanding it and that since I got a D in the last half I wasn't going to do any better or even pass this half. So I told Obey and he let me leave, I went to guidance and at first the receptionist said I couldn't drop because I have to take Alg 2 for college and how does she even know I'm going to college? Grrr, I hate it when people assume things. So then I saw Mr. Heideman and we talked and Mr. Heeren came and talked to me in guidance and helped me... my adoptive daddy came to my rescue. So I took my Alg 2a final after school because I was sick the day of finals and instead of Alg 2b I'm taking ceramics, which is a nice, relaxing alternative to brain numbing Alg 2b. So I was just sorting through Word Documents of mine and I found this poem that I wrote a while back. If you look, there's a pattern with the single word lines, it's really easy to see...
Uncertainty
Sorry
Sorry wasn't the word
Apologizing
For the what ifs
Knowing
Nothing could've been done
Expecting
The normal but secretly
Wishing
There was an alternative
To?
A moment of pause, maybe to breathe
Uncertainty
In the people you always trusted
To?
To be able to count on
Wishing
That wishes would come true
Expecting
The worst but secretly
Knowing
This was the best
Apologizing
For not realizing everything
Sorry
And will be forever
This was after I found out the whole band had been lied to about Jameson. I felt so betrayed by Jameson and if it wasn't bad enough the administration told us a complete lie. AMANDA HINT: Never try to hide deceit in a blanket of lies it all equals out in the end... PROOF: LIES+LIES=2(LIES). Well I'm done since I'm getting pretty mad and I'm not about to start swearing in here because I don't know if I can get my account deleted for that...
That's my supressed happy scream. I don't know why, well I do but I don't know why I'm happy right now. Seeing Zach earlier made me very happy and he gave me four different pictures of himself and I scanned them in already. Sometimes I just remember how happy I am and it's the best feeling to like Zach and to know he likes me back. This can't be too long because my dad told me to get off so he can check his e-mail and do other stuff. So I'm checking his mail just so I can write a little more in here. I was just writing this about 10 minutes ago and the pc shut down on me and deleted the two paragraphs I had so I'm just trying to remember what I wrote. About the dream in the previous blog... Kate was typing up Sarah's college report and reading it over for her and she told me that dancing in dreams is connected to sexual desire. So I'm glad I was doing the classical waltz and not like square dancing. I wonder if different dances represent different sexual desires or just more specifics on the whole topic.
So today was the second day of new quarter and first of all I'm happy I started the school week on a Tuesday. So all of a sudden I'm melencholy. Grrr, I really hate how my moods fluxuate. Zach went to see the third Matrix movie tonight and we talked for a couple of minutes online and then he just logged because he was tired. I wanted to talk to him so much and he even invited me to go with him but I can't do things on school nights. So I'm writing this later than the first part because I had to suddenly post it because my dad told me i had to get off. I was going to do all of my Sociology homework early but I guess that didn't happen and I have tomorrow's skinny study hall because I have Sociology 4th hour.
I didn't even tell Zach I dropped Alg 2b... one less time I get to see him for a few seconds to hold his hand and talk while he goes all the way down the hall just to walk me to my class. *sigh* I miss him already... we didn't really talk today and that's weird because we usually talk so much. I'm so upset with myself because I just gave up... I had a challenge and I gave up. What is that really going to do for me? If I always do that I'll never get anywhere in life.
Ok, I'm sure you're really confused right now... I dropped Alg 2b and I just decided that while I was sitting in class staring at the book and not understanding it and that since I got a D in the last half I wasn't going to do any better or even pass this half. So I told Obey and he let me leave, I went to guidance and at first the receptionist said I couldn't drop because I have to take Alg 2 for college and how does she even know I'm going to college? Grrr, I hate it when people assume things. So then I saw Mr. Heideman and we talked and Mr. Heeren came and talked to me in guidance and helped me... my adoptive daddy came to my rescue. So I took my Alg 2a final after school because I was sick the day of finals and instead of Alg 2b I'm taking ceramics, which is a nice, relaxing alternative to brain numbing Alg 2b. So I was just sorting through Word Documents of mine and I found this poem that I wrote a while back. If you look, there's a pattern with the single word lines, it's really easy to see...
Uncertainty
Sorry
Sorry wasn't the word
Apologizing
For the what ifs
Knowing
Nothing could've been done
Expecting
The normal but secretly
Wishing
There was an alternative
To?
A moment of pause, maybe to breathe
Uncertainty
In the people you always trusted
To?
To be able to count on
Wishing
That wishes would come true
Expecting
The worst but secretly
Knowing
This was the best
Apologizing
For not realizing everything
Sorry
And will be forever
This was after I found out the whole band had been lied to about Jameson. I felt so betrayed by Jameson and if it wasn't bad enough the administration told us a complete lie. AMANDA HINT: Never try to hide deceit in a blanket of lies it all equals out in the end... PROOF: LIES+LIES=2(LIES). Well I'm done since I'm getting pretty mad and I'm not about to start swearing in here because I don't know if I can get my account deleted for that...
Mandy ~ 7:42 PM