Who I Am
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08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003
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Credits of the Creator
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Friday, November 14, 2003
Opening Night
Tonight was the first night of the play and I did really well. The only problem I had was the very first spotlighting my shirt got caught on the wall behind me and the spot was a little choppy but everyone I asked said that I did good and they didn't even notice it. I told Shana that at intermission and she's like 'Good, now that we can fix that problem for tomorrow night it'll be perfect'. It's like they expect everything out of me and they bitch if I do the smallest thing wrong. I told a few people tonight on msn that I'm going to where a sign that says 'This is voluntary and I'll leave if you aren't nice to me'.
Now it's 12 and I have a Sociology test tomorrow and I still have to take a shower... that means I'll be getting around 3-5 hours of sleep tonight. About an hour for shower and then doing my hair (the last few days I've been going to sleep with wet hair and just curling it in the morning but I won't have time tomorrow because I'll be getting up at the regular time). Then another hour or so to study for my 153 point Sociology test tomorrow although I know none of it'll stick because it's way too late and I'll probably fall asleep halfway through. So at best I'll get five hours of sleep.
I wouldn't even care about giving up my time that I should've spent on much more important school work if they'd actually appreciate me coming in and doing spot but all I seem to get is the negatives... a few people commented me after the show but mostly Katie and me get looked over. Chris gave me the best idea to conspire with Katie and just leave one night and let them fend for themselves but Katie won't because she doesn't want to leave it on Anthony.
The part that really pissed me off was I did the first half of the show and Katie did the second and while she does the lighting I do absolutely nothing and vise versa. So I wanted to watch some of the play because since I'll be doing the lights every night I won't get to see it so Tj and me went into the audiance and sat down and after Anthony bitched at me 'You can't go into the audiance. You're either on tech or you're not' I was so pissed because if I did walk off he'd be mad and all of it would fall unto Katie and that's the only reason I'm sticking with it. That and the fact that I'd never drop something halfway through it, no matter what. I either do it or I don't.
Actually what really pisses me off is being nice. I'm too nice and I always forget that. How I got stuck with this... well Kayla was going to start crying or she was and Katie and I asked what was wrong and she told us she had to do spotlight and she had to cancel plans and she felt really bad about telling Anthony she would do spot and then she wouldn't so two days before they didn't have anyone to do spot. So Katie said she would and that she didn't want to do it alone so being nice I said I'd ask and my dad told my mom I should do it as one of those life experiences or whatever. So basically the plans Kayla was going to have to cancel were plans with Jake... and I was going to make plans Zach and I gave them up and that pisses me off because she made it sound like she had family plans or something more important.
When I found out it was because of Jake I wanted to kick myself because she gets to see Jake about a million times more than I get to see Zach and she always tells me how their parents let them go out on school nights and how they stay out until 9 or 10 and get to have all the fun. Then there's Zach and me... we went bowling last Friday and then to the movies Saturday and that's it. He can do things on school nights but I can't because my parents are pricks. So tomorrow I think I'm going to break down because I'm way too tired and pressured and by tomorrow it'll be even worse and I know sometime during the day I'm going to break and I'm just hoping it'll be during lunch so I can hide in a practice room and cry.
So enough with the negative crap... it'll all be over Sunday. Great weekend, psh. I'm just so pressured and it's all getting to me and it's just going to get progressively worse as the quarter continues and realizing that isn't making it any easier. So I said enough with the negatives? What good can I talk about? Most likely Kate will get her temps before me and that's pretty sad considering I'm 17 and she's only 15. Tomorrow night I'm retaking them for the fourth time with Kate who will be retaking them for the first time. I know I should read the book but I just... don't have the time or feel like it's a big enough priority. Hmmm, good? Oh, after 2 weeks I finally found my hair stuff that I put in when I blowdry it so it doesn't dry out. I found it on Sarah's dresser because I asked her and made it really specific but I guess she just took and and stuck it on her perfume table dresser where you can't see it right away because it's on the other side of her big dresser.
She always does that... she likes something and she takes it even if she doesn't use it all the time. Like my class ring, my favorite tank top that she stretched out, a few of my bras because we wear the same size, my adidas sandals because she didn't like the color of hers (mine are blue and hers are grey/silver), my makeup, my proactive acne medication because it worked better than hers and then I just gave it to her because I didn't want to fight, my toothpaste (I use this special stuff because my teeth are really sensitive). She takes all sorts of my stuff. The funny thing is she can't take most of my clothes because she's bigger than me so when I got this prom dress she liked the next weekend she went up to Wausau and bought the same one in her size, and for what I have no idea because she's out of highschool so obviously she has no more proms.
Ok, I'm finally going to talk about something good... Zach. Today I went to school at quarter after 11 and everyone got there late so it didn't matter that I got there 2 minutes before the bell anyway. I had treble choir first thing so I went there and happily to my suprise Zach poked his head in the chorus room. I bounded down to see him because I hadn't seen him since the previous morning because right after homeroom he went home sick. I just found my niche in his arms and stayed there talking to him for about 10 minutes and we just talked about random things and then he handed me a note, which was a new thing but I read it and the first thing I thought was how tiny his writing was. The note was about how easy the tests were and of the dream he had of me the previous night. It was weird... I knocked on his door and then chased him around and then the terminator came and attacked him.
I thought about him all tonight and how I can't wait to see him again tomorrow. I think he's also planning on going to the play tomorrow night so maybe he can come and sit in the back with me on the lights and I can do the first half again so then the second half I can just kick back with him and there's no way Anthony can get all mad at me because I won't be leaving the light although Katie will be running it again second half. Katie also told me that we're going to see Lindsey tomorrow after school, which makes me happy... it's bittersweet but I want to see her so badly I don't care how much it'll hurt.
I'm sure everyone who goes to the RHS knows what I'm talking about but for those of you who have no idea... Lindsey Mckensie graduated either last year or two years ago. Well she's been fighting brain cancer for a while now and she just had her last treatment of chemo and it didn't work so the doctors gave her one month. I haven't seen her since first quarter when she came into Wind Ensomble and listened to us for a little while. She misses the music so much... she played french horn and she was going to be a jazz singer. She's part of the 'most talented singers I can count on one hand' list. So far I have her, my sister-Sarah, and Rachel Grasser. She was always so funny and and and... *sigh*
I don't know how I'm going to be able to keep myself from crying because when I just think about her I can't stop it. Katie told me Nicole Musson went to see her and she's on a lot of pain medication and she's not completely coherant. I'm sure if she was in the least bit I'd probably do something really stupid to keep from crying... I'd probably break out in some stupid song and hope someone would laugh. Ok, this isn't good I'm shaking really badly now since I started crying. I'm just getting really upset and I just... there's nothing I can do to help. All I can do is sit around helpless like everyone else. Why can't I do something about it? Why can't someone just make it all better... I just want to make everything right again... Jameson, band, Kate and Jeff, so many things are going so wrong and there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm sure someone's going to read that last sentence and be mad about the Kate and Jeff comment... well the fact is that I just want her to get through everything she's dealing with right now. Today we gave Zach a ride home from school and Kate started crying in the truck and she said to Zach 'I had no idea you'd see me cry before Mike did'. Then when he got out I put my arms around Kate and she started bawling and then she pulled away and said she didn't deserve to be comforted because she was the one who did it all... that Jeff had no one to comfort him and how he never really fit in anywhere... he's all alone.
Then there's Zach, again. Right now he's really the only thing holding me together and I'm so grateful and appreciative he's in my life. It's only when I'm not with him when I let life break me down. It would be the perfect dream to always be able to crawl into his arms whenever I needed the reassurance but I guess not being able to makes me really appreciate what little time together that we do have. I really hope he knows how much I like him and how much he really does mean to me and if he doesn't I hope he realizes that a little more after he reads this, which will be sometime tomorrow since it's quarter past 1 am now... it looks like I'll be getting to sleep at around 3... down to 4 hours of sleep.
*sigh* I miss my baby so much and it's only been 8 hours since I last saw him. I was so happy after school today... he just put his arms around me and I could've cared less about any other life problems because he was there. Then I started joking around and Jasmine was trying to claim me and he just grabbed me to him. A few times he just tensed up and there was no way I could've walked away although I wouldn't have wanted to although I was joking about it and once he just picked me up and was carrying me around like it was nothing. I love it how Zach makes picking me up seem like merely lifting a piece of paper when I'm 110 lbs, only 40 lbs less than him. He was getting posessive but I didn't mind because it's nice to feel so wanted. Well I have to go now because I still have to take a shower and study.
Tonight was the first night of the play and I did really well. The only problem I had was the very first spotlighting my shirt got caught on the wall behind me and the spot was a little choppy but everyone I asked said that I did good and they didn't even notice it. I told Shana that at intermission and she's like 'Good, now that we can fix that problem for tomorrow night it'll be perfect'. It's like they expect everything out of me and they bitch if I do the smallest thing wrong. I told a few people tonight on msn that I'm going to where a sign that says 'This is voluntary and I'll leave if you aren't nice to me'.
Now it's 12 and I have a Sociology test tomorrow and I still have to take a shower... that means I'll be getting around 3-5 hours of sleep tonight. About an hour for shower and then doing my hair (the last few days I've been going to sleep with wet hair and just curling it in the morning but I won't have time tomorrow because I'll be getting up at the regular time). Then another hour or so to study for my 153 point Sociology test tomorrow although I know none of it'll stick because it's way too late and I'll probably fall asleep halfway through. So at best I'll get five hours of sleep.
I wouldn't even care about giving up my time that I should've spent on much more important school work if they'd actually appreciate me coming in and doing spot but all I seem to get is the negatives... a few people commented me after the show but mostly Katie and me get looked over. Chris gave me the best idea to conspire with Katie and just leave one night and let them fend for themselves but Katie won't because she doesn't want to leave it on Anthony.
The part that really pissed me off was I did the first half of the show and Katie did the second and while she does the lighting I do absolutely nothing and vise versa. So I wanted to watch some of the play because since I'll be doing the lights every night I won't get to see it so Tj and me went into the audiance and sat down and after Anthony bitched at me 'You can't go into the audiance. You're either on tech or you're not' I was so pissed because if I did walk off he'd be mad and all of it would fall unto Katie and that's the only reason I'm sticking with it. That and the fact that I'd never drop something halfway through it, no matter what. I either do it or I don't.
Actually what really pisses me off is being nice. I'm too nice and I always forget that. How I got stuck with this... well Kayla was going to start crying or she was and Katie and I asked what was wrong and she told us she had to do spotlight and she had to cancel plans and she felt really bad about telling Anthony she would do spot and then she wouldn't so two days before they didn't have anyone to do spot. So Katie said she would and that she didn't want to do it alone so being nice I said I'd ask and my dad told my mom I should do it as one of those life experiences or whatever. So basically the plans Kayla was going to have to cancel were plans with Jake... and I was going to make plans Zach and I gave them up and that pisses me off because she made it sound like she had family plans or something more important.
When I found out it was because of Jake I wanted to kick myself because she gets to see Jake about a million times more than I get to see Zach and she always tells me how their parents let them go out on school nights and how they stay out until 9 or 10 and get to have all the fun. Then there's Zach and me... we went bowling last Friday and then to the movies Saturday and that's it. He can do things on school nights but I can't because my parents are pricks. So tomorrow I think I'm going to break down because I'm way too tired and pressured and by tomorrow it'll be even worse and I know sometime during the day I'm going to break and I'm just hoping it'll be during lunch so I can hide in a practice room and cry.
So enough with the negative crap... it'll all be over Sunday. Great weekend, psh. I'm just so pressured and it's all getting to me and it's just going to get progressively worse as the quarter continues and realizing that isn't making it any easier. So I said enough with the negatives? What good can I talk about? Most likely Kate will get her temps before me and that's pretty sad considering I'm 17 and she's only 15. Tomorrow night I'm retaking them for the fourth time with Kate who will be retaking them for the first time. I know I should read the book but I just... don't have the time or feel like it's a big enough priority. Hmmm, good? Oh, after 2 weeks I finally found my hair stuff that I put in when I blowdry it so it doesn't dry out. I found it on Sarah's dresser because I asked her and made it really specific but I guess she just took and and stuck it on her perfume table dresser where you can't see it right away because it's on the other side of her big dresser.
She always does that... she likes something and she takes it even if she doesn't use it all the time. Like my class ring, my favorite tank top that she stretched out, a few of my bras because we wear the same size, my adidas sandals because she didn't like the color of hers (mine are blue and hers are grey/silver), my makeup, my proactive acne medication because it worked better than hers and then I just gave it to her because I didn't want to fight, my toothpaste (I use this special stuff because my teeth are really sensitive). She takes all sorts of my stuff. The funny thing is she can't take most of my clothes because she's bigger than me so when I got this prom dress she liked the next weekend she went up to Wausau and bought the same one in her size, and for what I have no idea because she's out of highschool so obviously she has no more proms.
Ok, I'm finally going to talk about something good... Zach. Today I went to school at quarter after 11 and everyone got there late so it didn't matter that I got there 2 minutes before the bell anyway. I had treble choir first thing so I went there and happily to my suprise Zach poked his head in the chorus room. I bounded down to see him because I hadn't seen him since the previous morning because right after homeroom he went home sick. I just found my niche in his arms and stayed there talking to him for about 10 minutes and we just talked about random things and then he handed me a note, which was a new thing but I read it and the first thing I thought was how tiny his writing was. The note was about how easy the tests were and of the dream he had of me the previous night. It was weird... I knocked on his door and then chased him around and then the terminator came and attacked him.
I thought about him all tonight and how I can't wait to see him again tomorrow. I think he's also planning on going to the play tomorrow night so maybe he can come and sit in the back with me on the lights and I can do the first half again so then the second half I can just kick back with him and there's no way Anthony can get all mad at me because I won't be leaving the light although Katie will be running it again second half. Katie also told me that we're going to see Lindsey tomorrow after school, which makes me happy... it's bittersweet but I want to see her so badly I don't care how much it'll hurt.
I'm sure everyone who goes to the RHS knows what I'm talking about but for those of you who have no idea... Lindsey Mckensie graduated either last year or two years ago. Well she's been fighting brain cancer for a while now and she just had her last treatment of chemo and it didn't work so the doctors gave her one month. I haven't seen her since first quarter when she came into Wind Ensomble and listened to us for a little while. She misses the music so much... she played french horn and she was going to be a jazz singer. She's part of the 'most talented singers I can count on one hand' list. So far I have her, my sister-Sarah, and Rachel Grasser. She was always so funny and and and... *sigh*
I don't know how I'm going to be able to keep myself from crying because when I just think about her I can't stop it. Katie told me Nicole Musson went to see her and she's on a lot of pain medication and she's not completely coherant. I'm sure if she was in the least bit I'd probably do something really stupid to keep from crying... I'd probably break out in some stupid song and hope someone would laugh. Ok, this isn't good I'm shaking really badly now since I started crying. I'm just getting really upset and I just... there's nothing I can do to help. All I can do is sit around helpless like everyone else. Why can't I do something about it? Why can't someone just make it all better... I just want to make everything right again... Jameson, band, Kate and Jeff, so many things are going so wrong and there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm sure someone's going to read that last sentence and be mad about the Kate and Jeff comment... well the fact is that I just want her to get through everything she's dealing with right now. Today we gave Zach a ride home from school and Kate started crying in the truck and she said to Zach 'I had no idea you'd see me cry before Mike did'. Then when he got out I put my arms around Kate and she started bawling and then she pulled away and said she didn't deserve to be comforted because she was the one who did it all... that Jeff had no one to comfort him and how he never really fit in anywhere... he's all alone.
Then there's Zach, again. Right now he's really the only thing holding me together and I'm so grateful and appreciative he's in my life. It's only when I'm not with him when I let life break me down. It would be the perfect dream to always be able to crawl into his arms whenever I needed the reassurance but I guess not being able to makes me really appreciate what little time together that we do have. I really hope he knows how much I like him and how much he really does mean to me and if he doesn't I hope he realizes that a little more after he reads this, which will be sometime tomorrow since it's quarter past 1 am now... it looks like I'll be getting to sleep at around 3... down to 4 hours of sleep.
*sigh* I miss my baby so much and it's only been 8 hours since I last saw him. I was so happy after school today... he just put his arms around me and I could've cared less about any other life problems because he was there. Then I started joking around and Jasmine was trying to claim me and he just grabbed me to him. A few times he just tensed up and there was no way I could've walked away although I wouldn't have wanted to although I was joking about it and once he just picked me up and was carrying me around like it was nothing. I love it how Zach makes picking me up seem like merely lifting a piece of paper when I'm 110 lbs, only 40 lbs less than him. He was getting posessive but I didn't mind because it's nice to feel so wanted. Well I have to go now because I still have to take a shower and study.
Mandy ~ 12:37 AM