Who I Am
These are my true thoughts...
My Past
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albinoblacksheep.com
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www.ebaumsworld.com
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Monday, November 24, 2003
Surrounded and Alone
I don't understand how I can possibly feel so alone when I have so many friends, am constantly surrounded by people, and well of course, Zach. I just... I'm not as happy accepting boredom anymore, and maybe it isn't even that. Ok, I know it isn't that but I'm not sure what it is... After every new or old thing ends I feel it come back again and it always seems to be there, underlying, waiting until it can visit me again.
The only time I ever feel completely content is when I'm with Zach and I know that's a horrible thing to say that it depends on one person... to know it depends on him only. It probably just feels like it depends on him because at the moment he's the biggest factor of it. Knowing that at some point he's going to read this makes me kind of nervous but I won't be like Mike and delete it just because I don't want people to know how I felt at a certain point in time.
Even sometimes I feel this doubt sneak into the back of my subconscious telling me that it's all fake, Zach's playing me for some temporary fun, he doesn't like me as much as I like him. So even when I'm with him sometimes I'll pull away so I'm not too clingy and he pulls me back like he actually wants me or maybe he does. *sigh* I just don't want to be hurt again because with the last guy I had no idea at all, he just sprung it on me out of nowhere.
A lot of things in my life have told me to only put full relience unto myself because even my family doesn't come through for me at times. It makes us humans, mortal, imperfect... and sometimes I wonder how the world would really be if we weren't.
I don't understand how I can possibly feel so alone when I have so many friends, am constantly surrounded by people, and well of course, Zach. I just... I'm not as happy accepting boredom anymore, and maybe it isn't even that. Ok, I know it isn't that but I'm not sure what it is... After every new or old thing ends I feel it come back again and it always seems to be there, underlying, waiting until it can visit me again.
The only time I ever feel completely content is when I'm with Zach and I know that's a horrible thing to say that it depends on one person... to know it depends on him only. It probably just feels like it depends on him because at the moment he's the biggest factor of it. Knowing that at some point he's going to read this makes me kind of nervous but I won't be like Mike and delete it just because I don't want people to know how I felt at a certain point in time.
Even sometimes I feel this doubt sneak into the back of my subconscious telling me that it's all fake, Zach's playing me for some temporary fun, he doesn't like me as much as I like him. So even when I'm with him sometimes I'll pull away so I'm not too clingy and he pulls me back like he actually wants me or maybe he does. *sigh* I just don't want to be hurt again because with the last guy I had no idea at all, he just sprung it on me out of nowhere.
A lot of things in my life have told me to only put full relience unto myself because even my family doesn't come through for me at times. It makes us humans, mortal, imperfect... and sometimes I wonder how the world would really be if we weren't.
Mandy ~ 11:38 PM