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Tuesday, November 25, 2003
The Tears that I Cry
Well I just read Kate's blogger and I'm extremely hurt. I'm not going to say anything to her though because just last year I felt the same way... that I was changing so much and no one was truely there for me. That I was so different I didn't even know myself anymore and I felt as though I weren't even in my skin. I hated that feeling and I guess after so much crying I became calloused to realizing not only was the world changing but it was inevitable for me to stay the same. Now that I've known people are only in things for themselves... even when you help someone it makes you feel better about yourself. Everything comes back to yourself in the end. The only thing that changes what comes back is what you did in the first place.
If anyone's doing anything Kate's pushing me away, far away from her. Whenever I try to comfort her or ask her questions about how she is she says it doesn't matter or that she's fine when I know she isn't. She doesn't tell me anything so how the fuck can I help her? She's like trying to read a polished rock, if anything the only thing I get back mimics my own reflection. I've never really feel as though I comforted her much but that Mike, Jeff, or any other guy in her life has done a much better job about it. It's probably her romanticism coming out when she wants to be a feeble female rescued by some dashing man who sweeps in to save her day. So when I say I think I don't really help that much when i comfort her I mean I KNOW I don't.
It's some sort of a vicious circle too. Whenever she has a boyfriend there's no use for me anymore and she completely ignores me and puts all of her time and effort into her boyfriend. It's like she picks me up whenever it's conveiniant to her. Like I'm a substitute for whenever she doesn't have a boyfriend to comfort her and occupy and entertain her. Another thing is I haven't even been much help to myself lately because all of my friends are having problems, school, extras... it just feels like everything is crashing in on me and there's nothing I can do to support my life anymore.
In all truth I actually think Kate's taking out all of her aggressions towards Mike on me for when we used to like each other. She knows she can't take them out on Mike because he's done nothing so she takes them out on me because she's so close to me and she knows it won't have any dier consequences because we always make up in the end because we have to. Not like being sisters has any effect on that *rolls eyes* She treats me like such shit and she knows there's nothing I can do about it because I'll always be there... unless I accidentally die, but we won't get into that now although some peace would be nice right about now.
I have all right to talk about this and pretend like I'm going to commit suicide because Kate says shit like that all the time although everyone knows she's the biggest bluffer alive and she only does it because it's serious and it gets her pity and attention. Yes, I'm fully aware she wrote that I said that because it's true, and she needs to realize she uses serious issues to her advantage by faking the attemps at them. Oh and by the way Kate, although I'm sure you'd never read this because it is about me... offering my opinions doesn't 'ruin everything' in your life because you're the one in control of your life and you do what you want.
Seriously, this is the first time I've ripped you down in... I can't quite remember but again I believe you're just saying I'm ripping you down so you have something to bitch about and you do that rather well. It's not my fault you 'didn't sleep' last night. I came in at 1 am and went straight to sleep and you were already sleeping by then. You told me you were going to take a shower so I didn't even bother going to sleep right away because I had homework to do. Oh and it isn't my fault we share a room and that I talk in my sleep. Trust me, you've kept me up many nights by turning on the light full blast because 'you're scared'. Well now that I've vented I feel better.
Well I just read Kate's blogger and I'm extremely hurt. I'm not going to say anything to her though because just last year I felt the same way... that I was changing so much and no one was truely there for me. That I was so different I didn't even know myself anymore and I felt as though I weren't even in my skin. I hated that feeling and I guess after so much crying I became calloused to realizing not only was the world changing but it was inevitable for me to stay the same. Now that I've known people are only in things for themselves... even when you help someone it makes you feel better about yourself. Everything comes back to yourself in the end. The only thing that changes what comes back is what you did in the first place.
If anyone's doing anything Kate's pushing me away, far away from her. Whenever I try to comfort her or ask her questions about how she is she says it doesn't matter or that she's fine when I know she isn't. She doesn't tell me anything so how the fuck can I help her? She's like trying to read a polished rock, if anything the only thing I get back mimics my own reflection. I've never really feel as though I comforted her much but that Mike, Jeff, or any other guy in her life has done a much better job about it. It's probably her romanticism coming out when she wants to be a feeble female rescued by some dashing man who sweeps in to save her day. So when I say I think I don't really help that much when i comfort her I mean I KNOW I don't.
It's some sort of a vicious circle too. Whenever she has a boyfriend there's no use for me anymore and she completely ignores me and puts all of her time and effort into her boyfriend. It's like she picks me up whenever it's conveiniant to her. Like I'm a substitute for whenever she doesn't have a boyfriend to comfort her and occupy and entertain her. Another thing is I haven't even been much help to myself lately because all of my friends are having problems, school, extras... it just feels like everything is crashing in on me and there's nothing I can do to support my life anymore.
In all truth I actually think Kate's taking out all of her aggressions towards Mike on me for when we used to like each other. She knows she can't take them out on Mike because he's done nothing so she takes them out on me because she's so close to me and she knows it won't have any dier consequences because we always make up in the end because we have to. Not like being sisters has any effect on that *rolls eyes* She treats me like such shit and she knows there's nothing I can do about it because I'll always be there... unless I accidentally die, but we won't get into that now although some peace would be nice right about now.
I have all right to talk about this and pretend like I'm going to commit suicide because Kate says shit like that all the time although everyone knows she's the biggest bluffer alive and she only does it because it's serious and it gets her pity and attention. Yes, I'm fully aware she wrote that I said that because it's true, and she needs to realize she uses serious issues to her advantage by faking the attemps at them. Oh and by the way Kate, although I'm sure you'd never read this because it is about me... offering my opinions doesn't 'ruin everything' in your life because you're the one in control of your life and you do what you want.
Seriously, this is the first time I've ripped you down in... I can't quite remember but again I believe you're just saying I'm ripping you down so you have something to bitch about and you do that rather well. It's not my fault you 'didn't sleep' last night. I came in at 1 am and went straight to sleep and you were already sleeping by then. You told me you were going to take a shower so I didn't even bother going to sleep right away because I had homework to do. Oh and it isn't my fault we share a room and that I talk in my sleep. Trust me, you've kept me up many nights by turning on the light full blast because 'you're scared'. Well now that I've vented I feel better.
Mandy ~ 6:37 PM