Who I Am
These are my true thoughts...
My Past
08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003
09/01/2003 - 10/01/2003
10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003
11/01/2003 - 12/01/2003
12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004
01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004
02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005
06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005
10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
Favorite Websites
albinoblacksheep.com
www.myspace.com
www.ebaumsworld.com
Credits of the Creator
Take a look at this & other blog designs @ Blogskins.com
Picture found @ Digital Blasphemy
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
When Ignorance Leaves
Well today early this morning Lindsey passed away at 3:15 am. I didn't find out until 1st hour in band when Mrs. Hanson came in and told us. It was so weird because I walked in to school and everything seemed normal and I opened the band door and this omniscent, oppressing feeling just hit me and I knew something was wrong. It was such an eerie silence and I just got this undeniable urge to find a dark corner and hide until it was all over. So Mrs. Hanson came into first hour and it was only then that my bad feeling was confermed.
The band room has always been a sanctuary to me and I'm sure to a lot of other people. It's my second home and I'm actually in the band room more than I'm in my own room at home. When I walked in today I just wanted to run back out. There was the eeriest silence I'd ever heard in my life and it scared me. I just wanted to run into a dark room and hide in the corner and wait until it was all over. After that it was pretty much a blur, mostly I cried, breaked, and cried some more. I cried until I was completely red, had a headache, and could no longer see through my contacts because the salt in my tears had dried them out.
I saw Zach in the morning and touched his back but I don't know if he noticed or not. I was going to stop and hug him but I was drawn to the band room. After band we met up and he asked me if I was ok because I'm sure he could read my face like an open book because I wasn't exactly hiding the fact that I had been crying. I didn't bother reapplying makeup because I knew the day would be filled with many more tears. So I held it together until he walked me to homeroom and right as I walked in to my homeroom I started crying again and then Vix stepped in and started comforting me, which was really nice of her. It's amazing how many people are here for me. So then I stopped again and Zach walked me down the hall to Ceramics, as always and along the way I saw Kayla crying and I stopped and turned around and reached out and we hugged and I started crying again and then Nikki Sherr came up and asked what was wrong and we told her and she immediately started bawling and then we all hugged. So Zach and Jake just stood there and they were probably feeling pretty odd because their girlfriends (yes, I just talked about myself in third person) were having a cry-fest. So I just wrote a quick poem that came from my sleep deprived mind. I figured since I haven't made one in a while why not throw some words down in unflattering patterns and phrases?
Tears
Streaking down my cheeks
Internal gears
Work through the years
The impulsive function
Strained and tired
Constantly wired
Crying
Denying
Completely aloof
No proof
No goodbye
Said eye to eye
To her face
In his embrace
Avoiding the pain
Numb again
So, yes, I'm completely aware it's very short but I'm very tired and broken and it's the best I can do before passing out from exhaustion.
There's one more thing I want to write before I leave... I skipped out of part of trebel choir to sit in the storage room while Zach, Mike, Kate, and Emily ate their lunch in there and then Zach said his tummy hurt. So he rested his head on my chest and put his arms around me and I just felt so loved. *sigh* He also kissed me on the cheek after school, which was the cutest. So now I'm leaving to sleep.
Well today early this morning Lindsey passed away at 3:15 am. I didn't find out until 1st hour in band when Mrs. Hanson came in and told us. It was so weird because I walked in to school and everything seemed normal and I opened the band door and this omniscent, oppressing feeling just hit me and I knew something was wrong. It was such an eerie silence and I just got this undeniable urge to find a dark corner and hide until it was all over. So Mrs. Hanson came into first hour and it was only then that my bad feeling was confermed.
The band room has always been a sanctuary to me and I'm sure to a lot of other people. It's my second home and I'm actually in the band room more than I'm in my own room at home. When I walked in today I just wanted to run back out. There was the eeriest silence I'd ever heard in my life and it scared me. I just wanted to run into a dark room and hide in the corner and wait until it was all over. After that it was pretty much a blur, mostly I cried, breaked, and cried some more. I cried until I was completely red, had a headache, and could no longer see through my contacts because the salt in my tears had dried them out.
I saw Zach in the morning and touched his back but I don't know if he noticed or not. I was going to stop and hug him but I was drawn to the band room. After band we met up and he asked me if I was ok because I'm sure he could read my face like an open book because I wasn't exactly hiding the fact that I had been crying. I didn't bother reapplying makeup because I knew the day would be filled with many more tears. So I held it together until he walked me to homeroom and right as I walked in to my homeroom I started crying again and then Vix stepped in and started comforting me, which was really nice of her. It's amazing how many people are here for me. So then I stopped again and Zach walked me down the hall to Ceramics, as always and along the way I saw Kayla crying and I stopped and turned around and reached out and we hugged and I started crying again and then Nikki Sherr came up and asked what was wrong and we told her and she immediately started bawling and then we all hugged. So Zach and Jake just stood there and they were probably feeling pretty odd because their girlfriends (yes, I just talked about myself in third person) were having a cry-fest. So I just wrote a quick poem that came from my sleep deprived mind. I figured since I haven't made one in a while why not throw some words down in unflattering patterns and phrases?
Tears
Streaking down my cheeks
Internal gears
Work through the years
The impulsive function
Strained and tired
Constantly wired
Crying
Denying
Completely aloof
No proof
No goodbye
Said eye to eye
To her face
In his embrace
Avoiding the pain
Numb again
So, yes, I'm completely aware it's very short but I'm very tired and broken and it's the best I can do before passing out from exhaustion.
There's one more thing I want to write before I leave... I skipped out of part of trebel choir to sit in the storage room while Zach, Mike, Kate, and Emily ate their lunch in there and then Zach said his tummy hurt. So he rested his head on my chest and put his arms around me and I just felt so loved. *sigh* He also kissed me on the cheek after school, which was the cutest. So now I'm leaving to sleep.
Mandy ~ 12:41 AM