~The Music of My Life~

Thursday, November 20, 2003

When Nothing Takes Over

I have this weird feeling of nothingness right now and it's just... nothing. I got off the phone with Zach around 9:30 because he had to write a report. We didn't really talk because he was playing his new Final Fantasy game, X2 or whatever. I was just going to hang up and do my homework or talk to people on msn because we were hardly talking. I told him that I felt as though something were bothering him like he was annoyed or something and he said he had no idea what I was talking about so I just dropped it.

I've been so tired lately and nothing has really been fazing me since... well Lindsey. To know a friend can just slip out of your life like that... it made me wonder who would leave me next. After that came the thought of how it would make it so much easier to not get attached. It wouldn't be an easy feat but if I never got attached to another person as long as I lived I wouldn't have to deal with the pain of losing them. You're probably thinking about how depressing I'm being but who hasn't thought about death? If you say you haven't thought about it and you're at or over the age that you understand it than obviously you're lying.

So now that I've had my totally depressing moment for the day... ummm I'll talk about the rest of my day. This morning we went through all the music in band and it's coming together but there are still a few pieces to the puzzle that have yet to find their places. Band makes me so happy because when I'm playing clarinet and I really get into a piece everything else just melts away. It's like, ok weird concept here but try to go with me... my clarinet is no longer the instrument, I am. I've almost thoroughly convinced myself I'm not doing anymore solos because they're too nerve-racking but I think if I really fall into it like this I won't care and I'll just play.

So then after band, which we got out of early by about 14 minutes there was an assembly for acedemics. I hate those assemblies because I'm never part of them, :p. So I found Zach and I guess we were supposed to sit with our homerooms but that didn't happen because I couldn't find mine so Zach and I sat in the Juniors B homeroom row with Katie Barbian. After that he walked me to Ceramics and halfway there I was getting really frustrated because I was having one of those conversations where you're the only one who talks so then it's like talking to yourself. So I stopped holding his hand and crossed my arms across my chest and didn't say anything and suddenly he was like 'what's wrong?'. I didn't say anything for about half as long as he was silent previously and then I just looked at him and said 'finally, you're actually reacting to something'.

So then I had Ceramics and the entire hour I worked on this medium sized clay rose which is suprisingly turning out very nice. I say suprising because it's the first time I've ever worked with clay. A lot of people have given me compliments too. I'm also thinking I should go on the wheel again soon and I really have to bring in 30 textures and so far I only have like 5. So then I saw Zach again on my way to treble choir. I was talking to Jasmine and waiting for him and he walked up and I didn't really say anything to him because he started talking to another kid so I just talked to Jasmine. Then I had to go because I was going to be late and he's like 'fine, be that way' and I was like 'maybe I will be' and then I walked up and hugged him and then hurried off to treble choir, which I barely got there in time.

Then just the normal day, treble choir and then lunch with Kayla and Vix in practice room number 1. Shoot, I forgot to check in with Zunker today. Oh well, so then Kayla made me get out my clarinet and play for her. I got it out and played a little because I don't really like playing group pieces alone or solos for that matter because all the attention is on me. So for some reason my clarinet kept squeaking and it was only when I hit the octave B natural, which was weird because it didn't squeak once during band first hour. It was probably because I was practically laying down... I was sitting in the chair and had my feet up on the amp and I was like twisted.

So then I had Sociology and we had to do another new thing with an assigned group. I'm with Trisha, Billy Stole, and some new John guy who's really quiet. I have to make a list of 10 people, or more who were significant others from my conception until I was around 9-11 years of age. I have my mom, dad, Sarah, Ben, Kate, Grandma Mae, Grandma Mary Ann, Grandpa Red, my first best friend, Amanda P. from when I was 3, and that's 9 people already and that's only from the time I was born until I was 3. So that's all of my homework. I'm getting annoyed because it's 10:30 and Kate has to wake up at 6 am for DE and she still hasn't taken her shower and I'm waiting for her to take her shower so I can take mine because she gets up an hour earlier. So I'm going to go now since I have nothing more to bitch about.

Mandy ~ 10:10 PM