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Tuesday, December 09, 2003
Bad Time to be Me
A lot has happened in three days. Yesterday I broke up with Zach because I knew he was going to break up with me so I guess I just wanted to get it over with because I still liked him. No, I'm not one of those people who has to be the one to dump the other person. I really liked Zach until he started getting all quiet and well with the whole ignoring me thing instead of telling me. Oh well, things happen for reasons. So last night was my Christmas concert and the same day Adam (the army guy who was shipped out to Iraq who I used to like) came home. He called me earlier and I told him about the concert and he went and then we hung out at my house afterwards. I don't like to say it like this but when I'm around him I just want to be a bitch and I was... to Zach.
I feel so bad even after apologizing just a few minutes ago. I was dragging it out and hoping Zach was going to explain why he wanted to dump me and everything I said and did was wrong and I know that now and I knew it then. In my mind I kept going over the fact that he was ignoring me and not telling me why and making him into some horrible person when we both contributed to it. I became too clingy because well in all honesty I saw Kate and Mike being all clingy and I just... I'm jealous of Kate and Mike and the deep conversations they always have and I've never had one with Zach and that's all I really wanted because everything else was there. So in my derranged mind somehow I thought two completely different couples would have the same outcome if one mimiced another instead of being themselves. I don't know about Zach but I wasn't myself. It's just my fate to make stupid decisions and somehow I'm searching for some reason to make this right when I know there isn't one.
So Adam called me after school and wanted to do something and I told him I couldn't because of school and how strict my parents are. My mom mentioned to me after he left last night that I wouldn't be doing anything during the school week because rules are rules. I understand that and I'm actually happy because I'm afraid of Adam and whereas I used to like him... well lets say I'm just trying to get over Zach at the moment and then I'm going to be single for a long time so I can't get screwed over or screw myself over with another relationship. I just have the worst feeling right now like I did something wrong and idealistically Zach would've talked to me about me being too clingy and I would've admitted to not being myself and it would've worked out but idealistically never happens in my life.
So I'm going to go because this is beginning to sound depressing and like a ploy for pity. There's another thing... when I told people I was no longer with Zach so they were informed the first thing they did was apologize and give me this horribly sad face. Sorry, everyone I know your secret because I do the same thing. You don't really care. Everyone cares about themselves and that's just the way it is. Have a nice night.
A lot has happened in three days. Yesterday I broke up with Zach because I knew he was going to break up with me so I guess I just wanted to get it over with because I still liked him. No, I'm not one of those people who has to be the one to dump the other person. I really liked Zach until he started getting all quiet and well with the whole ignoring me thing instead of telling me. Oh well, things happen for reasons. So last night was my Christmas concert and the same day Adam (the army guy who was shipped out to Iraq who I used to like) came home. He called me earlier and I told him about the concert and he went and then we hung out at my house afterwards. I don't like to say it like this but when I'm around him I just want to be a bitch and I was... to Zach.
I feel so bad even after apologizing just a few minutes ago. I was dragging it out and hoping Zach was going to explain why he wanted to dump me and everything I said and did was wrong and I know that now and I knew it then. In my mind I kept going over the fact that he was ignoring me and not telling me why and making him into some horrible person when we both contributed to it. I became too clingy because well in all honesty I saw Kate and Mike being all clingy and I just... I'm jealous of Kate and Mike and the deep conversations they always have and I've never had one with Zach and that's all I really wanted because everything else was there. So in my derranged mind somehow I thought two completely different couples would have the same outcome if one mimiced another instead of being themselves. I don't know about Zach but I wasn't myself. It's just my fate to make stupid decisions and somehow I'm searching for some reason to make this right when I know there isn't one.
So Adam called me after school and wanted to do something and I told him I couldn't because of school and how strict my parents are. My mom mentioned to me after he left last night that I wouldn't be doing anything during the school week because rules are rules. I understand that and I'm actually happy because I'm afraid of Adam and whereas I used to like him... well lets say I'm just trying to get over Zach at the moment and then I'm going to be single for a long time so I can't get screwed over or screw myself over with another relationship. I just have the worst feeling right now like I did something wrong and idealistically Zach would've talked to me about me being too clingy and I would've admitted to not being myself and it would've worked out but idealistically never happens in my life.
So I'm going to go because this is beginning to sound depressing and like a ploy for pity. There's another thing... when I told people I was no longer with Zach so they were informed the first thing they did was apologize and give me this horribly sad face. Sorry, everyone I know your secret because I do the same thing. You don't really care. Everyone cares about themselves and that's just the way it is. Have a nice night.
Mandy ~ 5:18 PM