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Thursday, December 11, 2003
Broken to Feel Something
I'm really depressed right now and I'm wanting to just do nothing and at the same time I'm wanting to do something to keep my mind off from it. This weekend I'm supposed to go up to Powder Horn with Adam, Ben, Jason, and Barbian to go snowboarding. I kind of want to do nothing and loaf around but at the same time I'd like to take the oppurtunity because Adam wants to teach me how to snowboard. When I do that I can go all out, do something stupid and break something so I can feel something. I want to do something with Adam because he's only here two weeks and now it's only 10 days because I feel bad and yet I want him to do something with his friends because they should matter more.
When I think about it... Treder, Jake, Scott, Mike, Zack, Zach, and any other guy I've liked since... well since Matt, I haven't truely liked them. My mind has always drifted back to Matt and I hate it. I just want to never think about him again because we're completely different people, we will never go back out again and if we did he'd break up with me just to mess with my head. He'd probably be malicious and screw me over as much as he could for the pain I caused him and little would he know how much it hurt me. Knowing everything I'd probably still go out with him given the chance because maybe somehow it would go back to the way it was before and this time I wouldn't let anything affect it and maybe... but maybes are unaccountable. I know all of everything and every detail there is to know because there hasn't been a day that's passed when I haven't thought about a 'what if' concerning Matt. Since then it's been 15 months and that's quite a long time to still be hooked on someone especially when it was for such a short time (2 months), but I think about it and it isn't how long you went out but the time spent together. So now I'm off because writing about this puts more fantastical dreaming thoughts into my head.
I'm really depressed right now and I'm wanting to just do nothing and at the same time I'm wanting to do something to keep my mind off from it. This weekend I'm supposed to go up to Powder Horn with Adam, Ben, Jason, and Barbian to go snowboarding. I kind of want to do nothing and loaf around but at the same time I'd like to take the oppurtunity because Adam wants to teach me how to snowboard. When I do that I can go all out, do something stupid and break something so I can feel something. I want to do something with Adam because he's only here two weeks and now it's only 10 days because I feel bad and yet I want him to do something with his friends because they should matter more.
When I think about it... Treder, Jake, Scott, Mike, Zack, Zach, and any other guy I've liked since... well since Matt, I haven't truely liked them. My mind has always drifted back to Matt and I hate it. I just want to never think about him again because we're completely different people, we will never go back out again and if we did he'd break up with me just to mess with my head. He'd probably be malicious and screw me over as much as he could for the pain I caused him and little would he know how much it hurt me. Knowing everything I'd probably still go out with him given the chance because maybe somehow it would go back to the way it was before and this time I wouldn't let anything affect it and maybe... but maybes are unaccountable. I know all of everything and every detail there is to know because there hasn't been a day that's passed when I haven't thought about a 'what if' concerning Matt. Since then it's been 15 months and that's quite a long time to still be hooked on someone especially when it was for such a short time (2 months), but I think about it and it isn't how long you went out but the time spent together. So now I'm off because writing about this puts more fantastical dreaming thoughts into my head.
Mandy ~ 9:14 PM