~The Music of My Life~

Saturday, January 17, 2004

Later... Wanting What You Can't Have

So I was talking to Vince and Will about Matt and now I'm talking to Chris about depression and what you want and I found that the link is that whatever you truely want, well it's usually unattainable. This is part of the conversation I had with Will and Vince:

~Mandy~ says:
i was happy to see him
~Mandy~ says:
because i see him maybe once in the halls right before 4th hour
Will & Vince says:
ah yeh
~Mandy~ says:
and he almost tries to start a conversation with me and i walk right into my classroom and i always make it there with minutes to spare
~Mandy~ says:
it's just... i can't talk to him
~Mandy~ says:
he's...
~Mandy~ says:
matt
Will & Vince says:
lol ah yeh
~Mandy~ says:
yea
~Mandy~ says:
i feel as though it just isn't settled
~Mandy~ says:
and i'd just like to take him aside when i see him sometime and just kiss him
~Mandy~ says:
see what happens
Will & Vince says:
lol go for it
~Mandy~ says:
no
~Mandy~ says:
i couldn't, i'm a wuss
~Mandy~ says:
and besides i'm too afraid of rejection
Will & Vince says:
psh, he wont reject u
Will & Vince says:
and u shouldnt be a wuss
Will & Vince says:
u wuss
Will & Vince says:
lol jk
~Mandy~ says:
he'd reject me
Will & Vince says:
bull
Will & Vince says:
only if he's a moron
~Mandy~ says:
a long while back josh asked him if he'd ever go back out with me again and he said there wasn't a chance in hell

In this conversation with Chris I'm being quite... bipolar to avoid any real conversation and yet keep myself from boredom. He's playing along too, at times although he's playing another game...

~Mandy~ says:
that i don't really want friends
~Mandy~ says:
and at times i follow how i truely feel and try to drive them away
~Mandy~ says:
and be a loner
~Mandy~ says:
but then somehow i end up feeling bad for being mean
~Mandy~ says:
and then i go back to them...
Chris says:
its a vicious cycle
~Mandy~ says:
yea
~Mandy~ says:
it might be depression
~Mandy~ says:
and just trying to push away everything
Chris says:
it could be...except you dont really show your depression
~Mandy~ says:
i try to hide it as well as i can
Chris says:
then again....i dont really...well i do show when im depressed, but i dont show the severity of it
~Mandy~ says:
true
~Mandy~ says:
but you seem like you want friends
~Mandy~ says:
to be around them is your salvation
Chris says:
lol, maybe those with friends dont want them and those without friends do want them

~Mandy~ says:
you always want what you can't have
Chris says:
yup
Chris says:
except im sure you could have no friends if you tried
Chris says:
lol, isnt that a sad comment
Chris says:
you'd have to try to not have friends
~Mandy~ says:
haha
~Mandy~ says:
thanks...
Chris says:
lol
Chris says:
i was just saying...
~Mandy~ says:
yea, i understand
~Mandy~ says:
but that's true
~Mandy~ says:
it'd be easy too
Chris says:
haha
~Mandy~ says:
all i'd have to do...
~Mandy~ says:
i could be a huge bitch, and tell everyones secrets, and push everyone's buttons
Chris says:
yeah, but you wouldnt do that would you?
~Mandy~ says:
no
~Mandy~ says:
that's horrible
~Mandy~ says:
and it ruins the image i've created for myself my entire life
~Mandy~ says:
unnecessary enemies... what's the point really?
Chris says:
there isnt one
~Mandy~ says:
exactly
~Mandy~ says:
so in that you know i will not do anything when there is no reasoning, i'll at least give you that
~Mandy~ says:
that in knowing when i do do something that isn't quite within understandable means know there was a reason, just that you may not know it... not at that moment though
~Mandy~ says:
not like i'm hinting at doing something unthinkable and trying to maintain a reason for it *rolls eyes* or just telling you this so you think there was some reason when there wasn't just so it was an easy way out?
~Mandy~ says:
i'm feeling quite weird tonight
~Mandy~ says:
*narrows eyes* do you understand what i've been trying to say in the past few ims?
Chris says:
lol
Chris says:
i was playing a game, im catching up with your last few IMs
~Mandy~ says:
k
~Mandy~ says:
that's ok, i'm playing a game to
~Mandy~ says:
to avoid boredom that is

~Mandy~ says:
and people doubt my intelligence...
Chris says:
hahaha
Chris says:
no, you doubt your own intelligence
~Mandy~ says:
*flares nostrils*
~Mandy~ says:
*sigh*
~Mandy~ says:
true
~Mandy~ says:
point well given and taken
Chris says:
lol
Chris says:
seriously, how many times have i told you you were smart and you yell at me for it
~Mandy~ says:
mmmm, yes, and yet i like to keep it on the dl so i can shock ppl at times because you can't do the same thing all the time and expect people to be amazed but if you act so they haven't any expectations then when you do something worthy of praise they're amazed you were even capable of such a thought
~Mandy~ says:
see, if you underestimate yourself you're never let down because you can only do better but if you overestimate you're constantly let down and by actually believing in myself i may in the same way be letting myself down, so do you see or understand what i've been doing?

It's much fun. Same with spoiling my Shady baby. I just came back downstairs from giving her 6 puppy bones. They're little tiny things about an inch by half inch and she just bites them once and they're gone. Now that has lead to Shadow eventually dying and I'm crying. She's already 8 and I love her so much. She's so obediant and loving and tolerant. Every day when we come home from school there she waits or in the car when mom picks us up. Later when she does all of her little tricks for the bones we love to treat her with and whenever we're gone for more than a couple of hours she freaks out when we come home again. Shadow just came downstairs to get some attention because she was lonely. My poor baby, I love her so much. It's funny that I think of it now but Shadow and I have the same sleeping patterns, we're both nocturnal and we nap a lot during the day at the same times. So now I'm going to go since I'm obsessively talking about my baby.

Mandy ~ 11:59 PM