~The Music of My Life~

Saturday, February 07, 2004

Feeling Guilty

Although there's no reason for me to feel that way. I feel bad because of Chris. Since he's told Jasmine and me that he loves me I can't help but feel bad and that it's my fault for making him feel that way. Then I think in the same way that it isn't my fault because in some respect Chris and I are in the same boat but just on opposite ends. He wants to love me and I don't want to love anyone and yet we both have problems that get in the way of our "goals". Chris can't seem to find a girl whom he likes that likes him back and I can't seem to part myself from guys no matter how much I try because all they've ever done was hurt me.

I'm in the same situation again now with Job. I was determined not to like him just because he's cute and nice and such a gentleman and obviously as anyone who can read the english language or who sees me when I'm around him can tell that I just gave in again. I've been single for... 2 months. *cries* It seemed like longer and that's probably just because before this I wasn't really single at all. I like being single too.

It's crazy that I'm not jealous of those who have significant others or whom they consider to be so. I thought I would be and that I'd always need that specail guy to make me feel loved and wanted and the sort but it's really fallacious because I'm perfectly content. My grades are the highest they've ever been and I feel a drive to do better in school like I never have before or that I've just forgotten about because it's been so long since I could really dedicate my time to school.

Now is the test. If I can be with Job and keep my grades up then I think I can really prove not only to myself but also my parents and friends that I can take care of everything in my life. I still have maybe another month of singledom because at the rate it's going with Job I have no clue when he'll ask me out. I've been seriously considering him since around Snoball and that was last month at the end of the month (the 24th). So it's been exactly 2 weeks since and he's not even comfortable talking to me freely, yet. I had to laugh because Michelle Slosser told me that she was talking to Job about me on the bus to one of their away wrestling meets (she's one of the managers) and she asked him when he was going to ask me out and he said he'd like to but he's too shy. I was like yea, that's about right and she was like 'omg, to me he never shuts up but he said it was because he was comfortable with me. Err, guys are so stupid' and then she walked out of the instrument storage room to leave me thinking.

So... last night I had a pep band and I saw Job and sat with him for some of the time in between quarter changes (when we played). It was absolutely hilarious when Everest would be fouled and have to do a freethrow because Job would cover his mouth like he was yawning or something and then make the loudest chicken bauking and it sounded so real! It worked a lot of the time too. I can make a duck call with my hands and mouth and somewhat of a loon call with just my voice but I want to find out how to make one with my hands and by blowing air throw my mouth. Now I have an idea for an internet search 'how to make loon calls'.

Anyway back to the topic of Job... well Jasmine sat on the other side of him and she'd try to talk to me and I'd lean over Job's lap and be all over him like I was just trying to hear what Jasmine was saying. It made him smile. I got pretty annoyed though when Chris Ziegler and Brian Jorata came and sat by us and were saying Job wasn't hitting on me because he's gay and of course he denied it and I was like 'well he's a gentleman and after pep band Jasmine and I are going to have an orgy but ohh, we can't have an orgy with only two people so Job would have to join in'. After that Brian and Chris shut up. After the pep band Job walked me to the side where Kate and I were getting picked up and I gave him a hug and we left.

Kate and I came home to a few guys. I tried to go to sleep to no prevail because Sarah was in hysterics of laughter and Steve was screaming so loud, trying to sing. So then Kate and I went downstairs and joined them. They were all in Sarah's room, Jason Kennedy, Steve Waas, and some Jake guy I've never seen in my life. Jake was shorter (probably a couple inches taller than Sarah so around 5'7") with dark hair but he was cute and weird... After a while Kate and I got kicked out because we beat Sarah up because she was being mean. Until next time when I have some more boring happenings of my life to impart upon those who are so unlucky as to read this.

Mandy ~ 1:15 PM