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Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Me Once Again
I'm so unbelievably tired and I still have to take a shower. I took a quick one earlier but I have to take another one because I put hairspray in my hair and it isn't really dirty but idk, I guess I'm just really hygenic? I'm talking to Chris about how we've drifted apart as friends and he asked me when I was going to change back to the way I was and I almost started laughing. Does anyone, wait no, stop. Rephrase that. CAN anyone go back to the way they were at any point in their previous life? Not completely because their life and everyone in it has changed around them.
In answer to Emily's question posted in her blogger... I've been ignoring a lot of people because seriously they've been ignoring me. All except you, Emily (besides Job of course). Kate's completely occupied with Mike now and no matter how I try to carry on a non-related conversation it always ends up going back to Mike. No offense but he's so selfish and as to steal her very thoughts away and her mental being when I'm trying to converse with her... and then I realize somethings just happen that way and there's nothing any of us can do about it.
I never talk to Katie, Jasmine, and hardly ever to Kayla anymore. It all seems we're inflicted with love, a mere obsession which takes us over just to tell us to get it over with and be on the next one. We all use each other in different ways no matter what anyone says. We have friends to fit in, we have bfs/gfs to feel loved, we have family because it's always been there, et cetera.
No matter how sinacle that last part was we all still need each other and that's what keeps us together. Tonight was nice being able to do my own thing and be with Job.
Late night
Long day
My eyes fight
Something to say
Can't quite recall
Clock ticking
...
The keys clicking
Thinking
Deleting
Memories
Repeating
Inside my head
Words to be said
Unspoken is he
Although telling me
With his eyes
The words which I seek
Are the ones he won't speak
Don't even ask about the poem because I'm way too tired to even try to explain it. Job... Why do you torment me? Ok, I may just be extremely tired but I feel as though you're hiding behind yourself. As weird as that may sound. I initiate and you follow like it's... forced. You're a machine carrying out my will. I'm always first to initiate, whether emotionally or physically and you just add in your say when it's safe? I'm not trying to make you feel like crap or tell you what to do because I feel as though you just do what you think I want you to do. I like you too much to let you be whipped and I'm trying so hard to establish that you don't have to bow down and worship me because that's the farthest thing from what I want. You're so sweet and nice but everything you say or do is another step to please me. Basically what I want is equality and right now you seem much more giving to me. I really hope I don't regret writing this but night to all.
I'm so unbelievably tired and I still have to take a shower. I took a quick one earlier but I have to take another one because I put hairspray in my hair and it isn't really dirty but idk, I guess I'm just really hygenic? I'm talking to Chris about how we've drifted apart as friends and he asked me when I was going to change back to the way I was and I almost started laughing. Does anyone, wait no, stop. Rephrase that. CAN anyone go back to the way they were at any point in their previous life? Not completely because their life and everyone in it has changed around them.
In answer to Emily's question posted in her blogger... I've been ignoring a lot of people because seriously they've been ignoring me. All except you, Emily (besides Job of course). Kate's completely occupied with Mike now and no matter how I try to carry on a non-related conversation it always ends up going back to Mike. No offense but he's so selfish and as to steal her very thoughts away and her mental being when I'm trying to converse with her... and then I realize somethings just happen that way and there's nothing any of us can do about it.
I never talk to Katie, Jasmine, and hardly ever to Kayla anymore. It all seems we're inflicted with love, a mere obsession which takes us over just to tell us to get it over with and be on the next one. We all use each other in different ways no matter what anyone says. We have friends to fit in, we have bfs/gfs to feel loved, we have family because it's always been there, et cetera.
No matter how sinacle that last part was we all still need each other and that's what keeps us together. Tonight was nice being able to do my own thing and be with Job.
Late night
Long day
My eyes fight
Something to say
Can't quite recall
Clock ticking
...
The keys clicking
Thinking
Deleting
Memories
Repeating
Inside my head
Words to be said
Unspoken is he
Although telling me
With his eyes
The words which I seek
Are the ones he won't speak
Don't even ask about the poem because I'm way too tired to even try to explain it. Job... Why do you torment me? Ok, I may just be extremely tired but I feel as though you're hiding behind yourself. As weird as that may sound. I initiate and you follow like it's... forced. You're a machine carrying out my will. I'm always first to initiate, whether emotionally or physically and you just add in your say when it's safe? I'm not trying to make you feel like crap or tell you what to do because I feel as though you just do what you think I want you to do. I like you too much to let you be whipped and I'm trying so hard to establish that you don't have to bow down and worship me because that's the farthest thing from what I want. You're so sweet and nice but everything you say or do is another step to please me. Basically what I want is equality and right now you seem much more giving to me. I really hope I don't regret writing this but night to all.
Mandy ~ 12:11 AM