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Tuesday, August 10, 2004
Talkie Talkie
Tonight I was talking to Job on the phone after I got home from Abbie’s house for girls’ night even though Mike, Brian, and Jay (he couldn’t help it, he lives there) were there. We breeched a topic that upsets me… grades. My accumulative gpa is only 2.9 at the moment and hopefully with the highest gpas this next year I will get it up to around a 3.3 or hopefully higher but if I slip once there’s no chance. It upsets me that I took the liberty to slack off my freshman year and get the couple of F’s that ruined my really good gpa. The fact that something I did so long ago still upsets me upsets me even more. Then add the fact that I can’t change what I did in the past.
So remembering my slip up so long ago also triggered the mind process of why I did that. I looked at my mom, who did so well in high school and then went to a good college and only quit because she got sick and then met my father. After that she got married and took care of 4 kids for her life up until now and that’s all she’ll be doing until the day she dies pretty much although we will have removed the chance for her to take care of us because by then we will have all moved out, I’m sure.
Then I thought to myself how sad it was that she tried so hard in school to get somewhere in life and actually use that knowledge to earn a living when she didn’t even need to because she ended up taking care of kids. Now, in no way am I saying it doesn’t take a genius to take care of kids but in my words I am stating that it might take a little more gusto to perform brain surgery. Basically you don’t need to have a high gpa to be a mom, hell you could have dropped out of high school to take care of kids.
Then that thought led to the thought that I’ll turn out to be just like my mom and not because I don’t want to… I want to be able to make a living and work a job and be able to take pride in that. The thing is when I have kids, which I fully intend on doing, I want to spend every second possible raising them to be good people and fill them with the love my mother gave me. I want to build a strong, lasting relationship with every one of my children (who knows how many) and I fear I cannot accomplish that without raising them and being there for them when they need me. I take that theory from my own life where I know that has been proven true with my father. I want to be close to my father and love him like a love my mom but the fact is I hardly know him and we just don’t have the bond that I formed with my mom while I was growing up and making decisions, big and small and the choices that made me the person who I am today. I sadly can say my father was not a part of that and if I could’ve chosen differently I would have. However, I would never give up the relationship with my mom to have one with my father.
When I have kids and if I have a job I will quit it to raise them. I might take up less taxing jobs just to help with the income but I would rather choose love over money. I would rather choose an inseparable bond with my children over a slightly more privelaged or “easy” life. I look at others whom both parents work and I just don’t see the bond like what I have with my mom. All I see is more privilege, more access to everything else, more everything except deep, bonded love. At the same time others would choose that kind of privilege over what I have with my mom just because they believe it’ll make them just as happy but they don’t know what I know and that is even if I did have what they have I wouldn’t be as happy or fulfilled as I am now. If I had led a life of more privilege including private lessons, new vehicles, vacations, new technology, and other things I may not even be aware of I would feel that it was artificial. A substitute for something so much better that it can’t be bought. How much is it said that happiness can’t be bought… do they ever think happiness means love too? Would that change anyone’s minds? Or is the allure of money and privilege too much to pass up? For me I already see the best benefits… the ones no one can actually hold are the choice I have made. The choice to believe in what others think may be folly… that believing in something you can’t hold or touch is more valuable than anything anyone could put monetary value upon. I just wish more people truly knew…
Tonight I was talking to Job on the phone after I got home from Abbie’s house for girls’ night even though Mike, Brian, and Jay (he couldn’t help it, he lives there) were there. We breeched a topic that upsets me… grades. My accumulative gpa is only 2.9 at the moment and hopefully with the highest gpas this next year I will get it up to around a 3.3 or hopefully higher but if I slip once there’s no chance. It upsets me that I took the liberty to slack off my freshman year and get the couple of F’s that ruined my really good gpa. The fact that something I did so long ago still upsets me upsets me even more. Then add the fact that I can’t change what I did in the past.
So remembering my slip up so long ago also triggered the mind process of why I did that. I looked at my mom, who did so well in high school and then went to a good college and only quit because she got sick and then met my father. After that she got married and took care of 4 kids for her life up until now and that’s all she’ll be doing until the day she dies pretty much although we will have removed the chance for her to take care of us because by then we will have all moved out, I’m sure.
Then I thought to myself how sad it was that she tried so hard in school to get somewhere in life and actually use that knowledge to earn a living when she didn’t even need to because she ended up taking care of kids. Now, in no way am I saying it doesn’t take a genius to take care of kids but in my words I am stating that it might take a little more gusto to perform brain surgery. Basically you don’t need to have a high gpa to be a mom, hell you could have dropped out of high school to take care of kids.
Then that thought led to the thought that I’ll turn out to be just like my mom and not because I don’t want to… I want to be able to make a living and work a job and be able to take pride in that. The thing is when I have kids, which I fully intend on doing, I want to spend every second possible raising them to be good people and fill them with the love my mother gave me. I want to build a strong, lasting relationship with every one of my children (who knows how many) and I fear I cannot accomplish that without raising them and being there for them when they need me. I take that theory from my own life where I know that has been proven true with my father. I want to be close to my father and love him like a love my mom but the fact is I hardly know him and we just don’t have the bond that I formed with my mom while I was growing up and making decisions, big and small and the choices that made me the person who I am today. I sadly can say my father was not a part of that and if I could’ve chosen differently I would have. However, I would never give up the relationship with my mom to have one with my father.
When I have kids and if I have a job I will quit it to raise them. I might take up less taxing jobs just to help with the income but I would rather choose love over money. I would rather choose an inseparable bond with my children over a slightly more privelaged or “easy” life. I look at others whom both parents work and I just don’t see the bond like what I have with my mom. All I see is more privilege, more access to everything else, more everything except deep, bonded love. At the same time others would choose that kind of privilege over what I have with my mom just because they believe it’ll make them just as happy but they don’t know what I know and that is even if I did have what they have I wouldn’t be as happy or fulfilled as I am now. If I had led a life of more privilege including private lessons, new vehicles, vacations, new technology, and other things I may not even be aware of I would feel that it was artificial. A substitute for something so much better that it can’t be bought. How much is it said that happiness can’t be bought… do they ever think happiness means love too? Would that change anyone’s minds? Or is the allure of money and privilege too much to pass up? For me I already see the best benefits… the ones no one can actually hold are the choice I have made. The choice to believe in what others think may be folly… that believing in something you can’t hold or touch is more valuable than anything anyone could put monetary value upon. I just wish more people truly knew…
Mandy ~ 11:10 PM