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Sunday, February 19, 2006
Another Post that Shouldn't Be
WTF is wrong with me? Any way I go I lose. I lose. I'm a failure once again. Gotta return to my true roots because if hey, the one man that a girl's supposed to look up to her entire life is the one that calls her a failure, a spoiled, bastard child, then where do I go except to believe it, because after all, that's what I was taught. I was taught that I'm useless and unwanted, a waste of space and time, and not worth anything especially not love or anything like it. Job is too wonderful to me. He actually thinks I deserve things... like deserve to be loved. I keep asking my mom to just shoot me or something and she just ignores me. I'm crying (literally) for help and no one cares... no one except Job.
I shouldn't put the burden on someone else to kill me even though, as my father makes it sound, it'd be more of a delight, an honor to do so. Here I sit, the hypocrite... wallowing in self-pity, bitching about things I should keep to myself. Job thinks I should see someone because he thinks I'm depressed but, according to another person in my life, depression is only a state of mind. I won't mention her name because she hates for me to drag her into things even though she's extremely opinionated and if given the chance, would probably go on national tv and rant them off for the world. Job thinks I should talk to someone...
I have a hard enough time confiding in people I love because more often than not the two people that should love me unconditionally tell me to 'shut the hell up and get over yourself' and 'i can't listen to you, i need to get a decents night sleep' so she can what? lay and sleep on the couch all day like she does every day, oh excuse me, she drives Kaitlin and me to and from school, and occasionally (if she wishes to do so) cooks and cleans. That's it, enough of me spilling my guts or something else might come out that would be really bad beside the fact that none of this matters in the first place.
WTF is wrong with me? Any way I go I lose. I lose. I'm a failure once again. Gotta return to my true roots because if hey, the one man that a girl's supposed to look up to her entire life is the one that calls her a failure, a spoiled, bastard child, then where do I go except to believe it, because after all, that's what I was taught. I was taught that I'm useless and unwanted, a waste of space and time, and not worth anything especially not love or anything like it. Job is too wonderful to me. He actually thinks I deserve things... like deserve to be loved. I keep asking my mom to just shoot me or something and she just ignores me. I'm crying (literally) for help and no one cares... no one except Job.
I shouldn't put the burden on someone else to kill me even though, as my father makes it sound, it'd be more of a delight, an honor to do so. Here I sit, the hypocrite... wallowing in self-pity, bitching about things I should keep to myself. Job thinks I should see someone because he thinks I'm depressed but, according to another person in my life, depression is only a state of mind. I won't mention her name because she hates for me to drag her into things even though she's extremely opinionated and if given the chance, would probably go on national tv and rant them off for the world. Job thinks I should talk to someone...
I have a hard enough time confiding in people I love because more often than not the two people that should love me unconditionally tell me to 'shut the hell up and get over yourself' and 'i can't listen to you, i need to get a decents night sleep' so she can what? lay and sleep on the couch all day like she does every day, oh excuse me, she drives Kaitlin and me to and from school, and occasionally (if she wishes to do so) cooks and cleans. That's it, enough of me spilling my guts or something else might come out that would be really bad beside the fact that none of this matters in the first place.
Mandy ~ 10:49 PM