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Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Teardrop
This is a great song from Massive Attack and Sarah got me hooked on it a while back. She sounds like Enya and it's also the theme song for the TV show, House.
Ok, so yes, I may be procrastinating but I should really just drop everything else I'm doing and just get tutors even though all I need is more time in a day. I didn't paint on the canvas tonight and I feel horrible about it but Joe didn't call me. I was at school, I fell asleep in English class, and at work I got really irritable on the line of irascible. I was about to break... That's what happens though when Amanda is all work and no play... not dull girl but an angry one and no one would want to deal with me then because I get violent. Ask Job...
Sorry hun, it's my father's trait passed onto me. : ( I'm working on it although I'm sure it'd be better if I wouldn't have missed my 3rd therapy appointment like 3 weeks ago... and then the initial testing to make sure I don't have serious psychological problems... I wonder if that's a $40 fine for both or just the one... I haven't gotten the fine in the mail yet so I'm sure they're waiting for me to call or come in to schedule another one but I can't really do that when I lost her card and I never have the time to stop there.
The biggest problem is not having time and when I get a spare minute I'm doing this because I'm so ADD but not really because that's just self-diagnosis so it's not right because I'm not a doctor, haha. Good thing... I'd probably end up killing poor, innocent, and obviously sick people. So right now everyone in my family is having serious problems and it's taking it's toll on me (not to be selfish but truthful because my therapist said I have to consider my own feelings... which is weird for me since I always put myself last, funny story about that one...) in addition to my own personal problems... failing all of my classes, not caring, procrastinating, missing therapy, taking it out on myself..., migranes and a lot of them, not eating well, sleeping and not sleeping at all the wrong times, not being able to concentrate, putting everything else before my needs like putting work and this backdrop for the Romeo and Juliet play (which needs to be done by Friday! :S) before homework, papers, school, studying... and Job's leaving me this Fall but for good reason because he's pursuing his career, good job hunny! I support you and I know it'll be hard on both of us aside from the fact that everyone is making their own decisions except for me...
I can't drop my classes because my parents won't let me but they don't believe me that I'm failing and if I fail that goes on my transcripts and the only way to fix it is to retake the class and repay the amount which is basically a huge waste of money especially since I didn't even like the class in the first place... SO, my parents won't let me drop because I need to have record of a full year of college as a full time (12 credit) student and atm I have 12 credits but if I fail a single class I can't make it into Harley (which I don't want to go back there anyway, but yet again, my parents are making me) and I know I'm going to fail at least one class... there's seriously no hope... school ends May 19th which gives me three weeks... and if nothing else was assigned I'd be fine but now is when it gets hairy because now the teachers are assigning things like 9 page research papers, capstones, finals, and all sorts of lovely projects on the way... I have no time to catch up.
So I wake up (mon, wed, fri) go to work, go to classes, go back to work, and go work on the canvas until night, get home exhausted, try to relax, holy shit it's like 10 pm and I have to wake up early for class (tues, thurs) and then repeat... So the only place I could find time would be if I stopped working (my mom would kill me) or if I never slept, which causes my migranes along with a lot of other things, I'm finding, and when I get a migrane I pretty much pass out whereever I am because my brain goes "Immense pain, go to sleep" as I'm sure I've previously written in an earlier post. This part scares me immensely because I don't find it ideal waking up in a parking lot with a guy standing over me having no recollection of what happened in the minutes prior to passing out. I know I must've walked out to my car and then passed out right away or looked for my keys because after I woke up I was disorientated and couldn't find them... back pocket (earlier entry), but yea... scary and I knew nothing happened but what if it happens again in a public place, outside of being extremely embarassing it's extremely dangerous.
Hmmm... what have I eluded... Oh, funny story in the 4th paragraph... I scheduled a meeting for my club and since I put myself last (I didn't even put myself anywhere actually, more or less just completely left myself out) I couldn't go to the meeting since it was during my Chemistry class... ouch. What else... Ummm, well the being between a rock and a hard place with failing my classes, IF I drop-won't make it into Harley, parent's will kick me out of house, I waste money spent on classes- no refund after the time (haha, time distance decay... that's from World Regional Geography), continue having personal problems struggling with what I crave but can't have (freedom to make my own choies), severe guilt from feeling like I'm failing everyone (especially my parents) although it never really mattered it me if I failed myself... severe stress from trying to accomplish everything at once (Idk how to deal with one at a time, it's not fair to me to do that... don't ask, idk) and...
IF I don't drop- will fail one class regardless, still won't make it into Harley, parents will still kick me out, I still wasted the money on the classes and to have the F's show up on my transcript, personal probs continue because the guilt will still be there, I will have still failed everyone... Idk what to do but I can't go on like this much longer and my professors and parents and pretty much everyone think I have just given up but the truth is I'm struggling like no one could believe and it just isn't enough and it won't be. Idk idk idk what to do. Why do I have to be the one everyone goes to, everyone depends on, everyone... uses... the one who isn't good in school and never was, hates school, and is doing everything for everyone but herself... school, friends, work...
I rely so much on Job and lately it's been so... tense, like I say one thing and he takes it all wrong and I just can't handle any more, I seriously can't... I'm suprised I'm still on the ledge and I haven't jumped yet... No, more of pushed... I don't want to jump but everyone's pushing me off the side with all of the expectations and my failure to succeed. My failure to be what everyone needs me to be... Why can't I just comply, be that person, and stop being so selfish?
Personally, I know the first thing Job's going to say will be something about how I made him look bad... What did he do wrong?, Why don't I just dump his ass, He's a bad boyfriend, He's stupid and he doesn't deserve me... Why do you say those things Job? Why does it hurt so much all the time... Why is everyone pushing me so much? I can't handle the pressure, I just can't... everyone expects me to be this person... and no one realizes it... One person looking at it will see "Well, I just asked her to do one thing" and they're just one in a sea of people all asking me just one thing or just two or three, or a million over time. It adds up. it adds up and
AND I, Me, Myself, Amanda Marie Marquardt not Amanda, just the middle man or the girlfriend or the student or worker or daughter or sister or friend but ME... I'm only one person and I can't anymore... I just can't
This is a great song from Massive Attack and Sarah got me hooked on it a while back. She sounds like Enya and it's also the theme song for the TV show, House.
Ok, so yes, I may be procrastinating but I should really just drop everything else I'm doing and just get tutors even though all I need is more time in a day. I didn't paint on the canvas tonight and I feel horrible about it but Joe didn't call me. I was at school, I fell asleep in English class, and at work I got really irritable on the line of irascible. I was about to break... That's what happens though when Amanda is all work and no play... not dull girl but an angry one and no one would want to deal with me then because I get violent. Ask Job...
Sorry hun, it's my father's trait passed onto me. : ( I'm working on it although I'm sure it'd be better if I wouldn't have missed my 3rd therapy appointment like 3 weeks ago... and then the initial testing to make sure I don't have serious psychological problems... I wonder if that's a $40 fine for both or just the one... I haven't gotten the fine in the mail yet so I'm sure they're waiting for me to call or come in to schedule another one but I can't really do that when I lost her card and I never have the time to stop there.
The biggest problem is not having time and when I get a spare minute I'm doing this because I'm so ADD but not really because that's just self-diagnosis so it's not right because I'm not a doctor, haha. Good thing... I'd probably end up killing poor, innocent, and obviously sick people. So right now everyone in my family is having serious problems and it's taking it's toll on me (not to be selfish but truthful because my therapist said I have to consider my own feelings... which is weird for me since I always put myself last, funny story about that one...) in addition to my own personal problems... failing all of my classes, not caring, procrastinating, missing therapy, taking it out on myself..., migranes and a lot of them, not eating well, sleeping and not sleeping at all the wrong times, not being able to concentrate, putting everything else before my needs like putting work and this backdrop for the Romeo and Juliet play (which needs to be done by Friday! :S) before homework, papers, school, studying... and Job's leaving me this Fall but for good reason because he's pursuing his career, good job hunny! I support you and I know it'll be hard on both of us aside from the fact that everyone is making their own decisions except for me...
I can't drop my classes because my parents won't let me but they don't believe me that I'm failing and if I fail that goes on my transcripts and the only way to fix it is to retake the class and repay the amount which is basically a huge waste of money especially since I didn't even like the class in the first place... SO, my parents won't let me drop because I need to have record of a full year of college as a full time (12 credit) student and atm I have 12 credits but if I fail a single class I can't make it into Harley (which I don't want to go back there anyway, but yet again, my parents are making me) and I know I'm going to fail at least one class... there's seriously no hope... school ends May 19th which gives me three weeks... and if nothing else was assigned I'd be fine but now is when it gets hairy because now the teachers are assigning things like 9 page research papers, capstones, finals, and all sorts of lovely projects on the way... I have no time to catch up.
So I wake up (mon, wed, fri) go to work, go to classes, go back to work, and go work on the canvas until night, get home exhausted, try to relax, holy shit it's like 10 pm and I have to wake up early for class (tues, thurs) and then repeat... So the only place I could find time would be if I stopped working (my mom would kill me) or if I never slept, which causes my migranes along with a lot of other things, I'm finding, and when I get a migrane I pretty much pass out whereever I am because my brain goes "Immense pain, go to sleep" as I'm sure I've previously written in an earlier post. This part scares me immensely because I don't find it ideal waking up in a parking lot with a guy standing over me having no recollection of what happened in the minutes prior to passing out. I know I must've walked out to my car and then passed out right away or looked for my keys because after I woke up I was disorientated and couldn't find them... back pocket (earlier entry), but yea... scary and I knew nothing happened but what if it happens again in a public place, outside of being extremely embarassing it's extremely dangerous.
Hmmm... what have I eluded... Oh, funny story in the 4th paragraph... I scheduled a meeting for my club and since I put myself last (I didn't even put myself anywhere actually, more or less just completely left myself out) I couldn't go to the meeting since it was during my Chemistry class... ouch. What else... Ummm, well the being between a rock and a hard place with failing my classes, IF I drop-won't make it into Harley, parent's will kick me out of house, I waste money spent on classes- no refund after the time (haha, time distance decay... that's from World Regional Geography), continue having personal problems struggling with what I crave but can't have (freedom to make my own choies), severe guilt from feeling like I'm failing everyone (especially my parents) although it never really mattered it me if I failed myself... severe stress from trying to accomplish everything at once (Idk how to deal with one at a time, it's not fair to me to do that... don't ask, idk) and...
IF I don't drop- will fail one class regardless, still won't make it into Harley, parents will still kick me out, I still wasted the money on the classes and to have the F's show up on my transcript, personal probs continue because the guilt will still be there, I will have still failed everyone... Idk what to do but I can't go on like this much longer and my professors and parents and pretty much everyone think I have just given up but the truth is I'm struggling like no one could believe and it just isn't enough and it won't be. Idk idk idk what to do. Why do I have to be the one everyone goes to, everyone depends on, everyone... uses... the one who isn't good in school and never was, hates school, and is doing everything for everyone but herself... school, friends, work...
I rely so much on Job and lately it's been so... tense, like I say one thing and he takes it all wrong and I just can't handle any more, I seriously can't... I'm suprised I'm still on the ledge and I haven't jumped yet... No, more of pushed... I don't want to jump but everyone's pushing me off the side with all of the expectations and my failure to succeed. My failure to be what everyone needs me to be... Why can't I just comply, be that person, and stop being so selfish?
Personally, I know the first thing Job's going to say will be something about how I made him look bad... What did he do wrong?, Why don't I just dump his ass, He's a bad boyfriend, He's stupid and he doesn't deserve me... Why do you say those things Job? Why does it hurt so much all the time... Why is everyone pushing me so much? I can't handle the pressure, I just can't... everyone expects me to be this person... and no one realizes it... One person looking at it will see "Well, I just asked her to do one thing" and they're just one in a sea of people all asking me just one thing or just two or three, or a million over time. It adds up. it adds up and
AND I, Me, Myself, Amanda Marie Marquardt not Amanda, just the middle man or the girlfriend or the student or worker or daughter or sister or friend but ME... I'm only one person and I can't anymore... I just can't
Mandy ~ 10:34 PM