Who I Am
These are my true thoughts...
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Favorite Websites
albinoblacksheep.com
www.myspace.com
www.ebaumsworld.com
Credits of the Creator
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Saturday, July 15, 2006
This is the Place
Where I should've been typing all of my recent blogs instead of myspace... Where I scare people away. No offense to those I've been close to lately, which has been a select few but I've realized I've been doing something since I've broken up with Job. I've been becomming friends with "unavailable" people. People that I know aren't going to ever get emotionally close enough to me to satisfy my need for companionship. It's mostly just been the people I work with (including majorly, Chris and Tom), and Katie. No offense Katie. So... basically after another month at Harley I will most likely never see those coworkers ever again hence... becomming friends with them is extremely temporary and I have to watch what I say so I can't be completely myself and confide in them because of how I got stabbed in the back last year.
Then there's Tom (my trainer) he's 35, single, and he has a kid and there's absolutely no attraction to him on my part and I'm not sure about him but he feels like a younger, more fun, less serious dad that I can pretty much talk with about anything. Seriously... how would I stay in touch with a man who's 15 years older and has a kid? We just get along so well and it's great because he just happened to be my trainer. Our song is "Upside Down" by Jack Johnson and we'll end up singing songs we know together and saying things like Tom- "fo sho?" Me- "FO SHO!", "A-ight" and no one else gets it but that's ok because we're buds. But, then when I've worked over time and Tera's come over (she's only a months difference in age) or Tracy (she came back fulltime after a hysterectomy) he tends to just hang around with them because they're closer to his age, which is understandable but totally fits the pattern because I know, outside of work we would never remain friends.
Then Chris. Oh, what the hell do I say about that kid? Honestly, I just want to be his freaking friend and he's all peachy with me at work and playful and he'll go out of his way to come up and talk to me. But, outside of work he's busy, he has a life. Today he's buying his bike and he's getting his back tat and I wanted to go with and I messaged him on myspace but he never got back to me. I'm sure that's probably better though because I'm not doing well today but I'll get back to that. So one night in the parking lot after work I pulled my car up alongside his and we were talking through our windows and he said something about how he needed to remember that he can't "do anything" with me because I have a boyfriend (this was after the breakup but I accidentally slipped and said Job was my bf instead of EX bf) and I said "It's not that you can't do anything with me. It's that you don't want to." and then I speed off because I was afraid of what I just said... it was so brash, so unlike me and he actually informed me over myspace that he'd said something to me in repliance but I didn't get to hear it because I speed off like a punk. Ok, I just copied the exact part of that message...
"thanks for driving off on me like that punk, now i guess youll never know what i said back and im off to bed"
So after I inquired about what he said he wrote...
"thats for me to know and you to think about" and then during an msn convo he told me I'd find out what he said in the near future. Well... that was like 3 days ago and I still haven't and it's driving me crazy... "This song drives me crazy, the writers are lazy" I made that up during work when that Narles Barkley song came on *cringes* *big sigh* So, I know Chris is 22 and he's leaving after Harley for UWOsh... Oshvegas as my cousin, Erick, calls it... guess it's a big party place. Why can't I just hold a friend?! Or simply, have a guy friend that doesn't think idk... I'm just so confused and it's been such a short time since Job and I... 10 days today. Well, all I know is after this weekend things might get amusing between Chris and myself because he promised me that he'd take me for a ride on his new crotch rocket and then later amended that to anytime I wanted. I told him I'd probably hold on too tight and hurt him and he said he has strong ribs... Idk, Chris and I are just fucked up and we both just got out of long relationships and I think we're both in limbo and just lonely and need a friend until we can sort our lives out. Why can't I just make this attraction into a friendship? Life sux.
Oh yea, one more thing... So I think it's just stress but I just had my "red fairy" (Katie Barbian copywrite) a week ago and I just got it yesterday and it's bad. I've never bled so much in my life and I told my mom and she doesn't want to take me into the emergency room. I just hope it's not an ulcer because it's like black... So anyway. Enough about all this shit... I'm out.
Where I should've been typing all of my recent blogs instead of myspace... Where I scare people away. No offense to those I've been close to lately, which has been a select few but I've realized I've been doing something since I've broken up with Job. I've been becomming friends with "unavailable" people. People that I know aren't going to ever get emotionally close enough to me to satisfy my need for companionship. It's mostly just been the people I work with (including majorly, Chris and Tom), and Katie. No offense Katie. So... basically after another month at Harley I will most likely never see those coworkers ever again hence... becomming friends with them is extremely temporary and I have to watch what I say so I can't be completely myself and confide in them because of how I got stabbed in the back last year.
Then there's Tom (my trainer) he's 35, single, and he has a kid and there's absolutely no attraction to him on my part and I'm not sure about him but he feels like a younger, more fun, less serious dad that I can pretty much talk with about anything. Seriously... how would I stay in touch with a man who's 15 years older and has a kid? We just get along so well and it's great because he just happened to be my trainer. Our song is "Upside Down" by Jack Johnson and we'll end up singing songs we know together and saying things like Tom- "fo sho?" Me- "FO SHO!", "A-ight" and no one else gets it but that's ok because we're buds. But, then when I've worked over time and Tera's come over (she's only a months difference in age) or Tracy (she came back fulltime after a hysterectomy) he tends to just hang around with them because they're closer to his age, which is understandable but totally fits the pattern because I know, outside of work we would never remain friends.
Then Chris. Oh, what the hell do I say about that kid? Honestly, I just want to be his freaking friend and he's all peachy with me at work and playful and he'll go out of his way to come up and talk to me. But, outside of work he's busy, he has a life. Today he's buying his bike and he's getting his back tat and I wanted to go with and I messaged him on myspace but he never got back to me. I'm sure that's probably better though because I'm not doing well today but I'll get back to that. So one night in the parking lot after work I pulled my car up alongside his and we were talking through our windows and he said something about how he needed to remember that he can't "do anything" with me because I have a boyfriend (this was after the breakup but I accidentally slipped and said Job was my bf instead of EX bf) and I said "It's not that you can't do anything with me. It's that you don't want to." and then I speed off because I was afraid of what I just said... it was so brash, so unlike me and he actually informed me over myspace that he'd said something to me in repliance but I didn't get to hear it because I speed off like a punk. Ok, I just copied the exact part of that message...
"thanks for driving off on me like that punk, now i guess youll never know what i said back and im off to bed"
So after I inquired about what he said he wrote...
"thats for me to know and you to think about" and then during an msn convo he told me I'd find out what he said in the near future. Well... that was like 3 days ago and I still haven't and it's driving me crazy... "This song drives me crazy, the writers are lazy" I made that up during work when that Narles Barkley song came on *cringes* *big sigh* So, I know Chris is 22 and he's leaving after Harley for UWOsh... Oshvegas as my cousin, Erick, calls it... guess it's a big party place. Why can't I just hold a friend?! Or simply, have a guy friend that doesn't think idk... I'm just so confused and it's been such a short time since Job and I... 10 days today. Well, all I know is after this weekend things might get amusing between Chris and myself because he promised me that he'd take me for a ride on his new crotch rocket and then later amended that to anytime I wanted. I told him I'd probably hold on too tight and hurt him and he said he has strong ribs... Idk, Chris and I are just fucked up and we both just got out of long relationships and I think we're both in limbo and just lonely and need a friend until we can sort our lives out. Why can't I just make this attraction into a friendship? Life sux.
Oh yea, one more thing... So I think it's just stress but I just had my "red fairy" (Katie Barbian copywrite) a week ago and I just got it yesterday and it's bad. I've never bled so much in my life and I told my mom and she doesn't want to take me into the emergency room. I just hope it's not an ulcer because it's like black... So anyway. Enough about all this shit... I'm out.
Mandy ~ 10:35 AM