Who I Am
These are my true thoughts...
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Favorite Websites
albinoblacksheep.com
www.myspace.com
www.ebaumsworld.com
Credits of the Creator
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Sunday, July 23, 2006
This Isn't What I Paid for...
Idk what's going on lately. I'm just sort of living and seeing what happens. Like if you put a little kid in a room with a bunch of buttons and leave them there. I'm just randomly pushing pretty and ugly colored buttons of different shapes and sizes for those of you who are perverts, I didn't mean it in that way whatsoever. Sorry Emily for not calling you because I have no idea what's been up with you and to be honest, I have no idea what I'm going to do next... I just do. I just push the... fuscia button! Next one will be that funny cow-shaped one. Don't ask, those last two sentences were completely random. Random like I've been, completely off the top of my head, brutally honest, running with scissors, the sort. One crazy assortment that I've lent to myself from high on the shelf...
So I think I went on a date last night with this guy. I highly doubt anyone knows him because he's from Tomahawk and he's my age but I went to Nicolet with him. Personally I feel horrible because Sarah proposed going to the movies to me at 8 when it started at 9 so I hopped in the shower and got dressed and then Kait and Ben informed me they were going as well and then Ben mentioned his friend, Andy. Idk... so I just said sure, why not, we're all going in a big group, no pressure or anything especially since I was trying to set up him and Katie at the last movies- Pirates 2 and they didn't even say one word to each other. So then I felt even worse and now I feel horrendous because I found out he likes me.
Basically it happened that it just ended up being Ben, Kait, Andy, and me and we went to Bitchen Kitchen and then back to our house and of course, Kait and Ben were all over each other so that made it somewhat awkward for Andy and me. At some point Andy started getting affectionate with me and first instinct was to just go with it because I finally didn't feel so empty... I was finally feeling something that didn't end up hurting me even more after the fact like the 3-hour jog I took yesterday and now today I can barely walk and I just took a vicodin an hour ago and all it did was hurt my stomach...
For the first time in a month I actually feel something other than pain. Even when I was with Reed on his bike I still felt a degree of emptyness even if I was feeling freed of my thoughts, like I was physically running from my emotional problems. Like I sat in my car and took off all of my problems and threw them in the back seat and I jumped out and onto that bike after locking the doors and just left them behind in that parked car. I know Reed doesn't like me back and if he does then he has a huge wall up because 1. He just broke up with his psycho gf that destroyed him 2. He knows nothing is going to work because he's going back to Oshkosh 3. After talking to me he thinks I'm some man eater...
I really like Reed but I think I might be because he's unobtainable but then there's Andy and I know he likes me and I'm not sure about it... I don't know him that well and idk... I'm just one confused little girl. Oh well, I'm living today and I'm making the decisions as I go because that's really all I can do... Hanging out at Andy's cabin actually sounds like a good time... All I know how to do is hurt people.
Idk what's going on lately. I'm just sort of living and seeing what happens. Like if you put a little kid in a room with a bunch of buttons and leave them there. I'm just randomly pushing pretty and ugly colored buttons of different shapes and sizes for those of you who are perverts, I didn't mean it in that way whatsoever. Sorry Emily for not calling you because I have no idea what's been up with you and to be honest, I have no idea what I'm going to do next... I just do. I just push the... fuscia button! Next one will be that funny cow-shaped one. Don't ask, those last two sentences were completely random. Random like I've been, completely off the top of my head, brutally honest, running with scissors, the sort. One crazy assortment that I've lent to myself from high on the shelf...
So I think I went on a date last night with this guy. I highly doubt anyone knows him because he's from Tomahawk and he's my age but I went to Nicolet with him. Personally I feel horrible because Sarah proposed going to the movies to me at 8 when it started at 9 so I hopped in the shower and got dressed and then Kait and Ben informed me they were going as well and then Ben mentioned his friend, Andy. Idk... so I just said sure, why not, we're all going in a big group, no pressure or anything especially since I was trying to set up him and Katie at the last movies- Pirates 2 and they didn't even say one word to each other. So then I felt even worse and now I feel horrendous because I found out he likes me.
Basically it happened that it just ended up being Ben, Kait, Andy, and me and we went to Bitchen Kitchen and then back to our house and of course, Kait and Ben were all over each other so that made it somewhat awkward for Andy and me. At some point Andy started getting affectionate with me and first instinct was to just go with it because I finally didn't feel so empty... I was finally feeling something that didn't end up hurting me even more after the fact like the 3-hour jog I took yesterday and now today I can barely walk and I just took a vicodin an hour ago and all it did was hurt my stomach...
For the first time in a month I actually feel something other than pain. Even when I was with Reed on his bike I still felt a degree of emptyness even if I was feeling freed of my thoughts, like I was physically running from my emotional problems. Like I sat in my car and took off all of my problems and threw them in the back seat and I jumped out and onto that bike after locking the doors and just left them behind in that parked car. I know Reed doesn't like me back and if he does then he has a huge wall up because 1. He just broke up with his psycho gf that destroyed him 2. He knows nothing is going to work because he's going back to Oshkosh 3. After talking to me he thinks I'm some man eater...
I really like Reed but I think I might be because he's unobtainable but then there's Andy and I know he likes me and I'm not sure about it... I don't know him that well and idk... I'm just one confused little girl. Oh well, I'm living today and I'm making the decisions as I go because that's really all I can do... Hanging out at Andy's cabin actually sounds like a good time... All I know how to do is hurt people.
Mandy ~ 9:55 PM