Who I Am
These are my true thoughts...
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Favorite Websites
albinoblacksheep.com
www.myspace.com
www.ebaumsworld.com
Credits of the Creator
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Friday, January 12, 2007
Fuck It
I'm in so much pain and tonight when I saw Dane I slammed on my brakes and almost threw up while driving. Every time I think about him my heart aches like it never has before. I miss him so much and it's only been a day. I'm so upset and I was full out sobbing in front of my mom, Kait, Mike, Matt, and Tim and it was embarassing. Truthfully I just didn't care and to just hear his voice... and then hear him crying and know I can't help.
Then after he lost service and called me back and then he was so cold again... it was like I was talking to a robot and idk if that's because he's already numb. I don't care... I just want it all back and I don't care what struggles we have to go through because we could make it work. That is... if he loves me.
Tonight I hung out with Kait, Matt, and Tim at Kony's house and I couldn't stop thinking about him. I think if I just get drunk or high or something maybe I can stop thinking about him for two seconds but I can't. For a second I thought I did but then realized the correlation. I hate how everything links back to him and us spending every possible moment together these past two months.
Matt, Tim, and myself picked up a stray dog at WalMart and carted it all over the place looking for the owners and we finally found them (from Lake Tomahawk) and they offered us money or whatever. It was the sweetest puppy ever- 3 yr old yellow lab/golden retriever mix and it's name was Nugs. It was hilarious when Matt and Tim were going through names trying to see what he'd respond to and they said like Rick Flair and I was like seriously, who'd name their dog that unless they were him and even then I highly doubt he lives in WI and even then there's no way he lives up here. Tim guessed pistol and remington and I guess it was close considering nug is gun backwards.
Even though it was nice to be loved by a puppy, it just reminded me of the time Dane saved a kitten for an elderly woman. This time it was me saving the animal as it frightenly ran around the parking lot with it's tail between its legs between speeding cars. Everyone that tried to approach him just scared him away so I just yelled out "SIT" and he sat so I went up and took his collar and talked to him and decided to get him out of there because he was obviously shocked from the situation. There was a time when the four of us- Matt, Tim, Nugs, and Me were in the police station walk through enclosure (it was closed) just sitting and chatting for like half an hour. Nugs calmed down and started wagging his tail and even licked us a few times and just kept going back and forth between us.
I love animals so much even though this still hurts so much. Dane said he's not the one for me because all he ever did was hurt me. I'm shaking and trying not to cry because my nose is raw and my eyes are swollen and burning. Kait said to give it three months- the amount of time we were totally together to get over him but the reality is that I don't want to. Love is so messed up... Dane isn't good for me. I mean by no standards is he bad but he's so stubborn and to have just been with him these past 2 months took a lot of change on my part.
I miss him so much and I don't want to be with anyone else, I don't want to feel anyone else's touch, kiss, smile... I just want Dane to love me like he has so much. I want my farm boy back. I want to be in his arms, to look into his gorgeous green and gold eyes, to smell his amazingly comforting yet attractive smell, to feel his body against mine. I never got a good bye kiss... I never even knew it was coming... that last day we spent together he never even hugged me and it hurts so much to feel such abandonment from him. I can't be away from him but it tears me apart to even see him and... for him to just call me and tell me (after he ripped me apart last night) that he's just a scared little boy. Whatever, I wrote a shitty poem about it...
hit repeat on your tears
living the regret of fear
let, it all sink in
even the sin
uncertainty in his eyes
how could he lie
and now he's lost
two hearts it cost
the skip in his voice
the flutter it cast
his words of choice
left me last
here, alone
all clearly shone
explainations
of no relevance
indications
that made no sense
*sigh* of a true note
the lies you knew you wrote
in me
in all you can't be
such a hypocrit
yet, here I sit
crying
denying
the fall
build up this wall
I knew he was scared but you shouldn't run when you are... Dane's the one that told me that and what he's doing right now is precisely that. Being the hypocrit he's running as fast and far as he can like running the 20 minutes over me on the elyptical drove this unseen void between us. There was this huge wall coming from him and it angered me simply because I was afraid of losing him and hey, I was right. Obviously I wasn't good enough because he didn't chose me. I just want my fucking heart back... it hurts everywhere. He's not helping me like he said he was... he said he was holding me back and he's not. Fuck, if anything he just set me back three months- the time I need to get back to normal. I don't want to date anymore. You really can't when you're in love with the one person you can't date.
One day he's going to wake up and realize what he did was wrong and that he can never have me back for how much he hurt me not just once but twice. I hope he doesn't just to prove me and my bitter-frozen-void-lacking-thereof-a-heart wrong.
Obviously the frozen part hasn't happened yet or I wouldn't be crying again... Please go numb soon... I can't handle this pain anymore.
I'm in so much pain and tonight when I saw Dane I slammed on my brakes and almost threw up while driving. Every time I think about him my heart aches like it never has before. I miss him so much and it's only been a day. I'm so upset and I was full out sobbing in front of my mom, Kait, Mike, Matt, and Tim and it was embarassing. Truthfully I just didn't care and to just hear his voice... and then hear him crying and know I can't help.
Then after he lost service and called me back and then he was so cold again... it was like I was talking to a robot and idk if that's because he's already numb. I don't care... I just want it all back and I don't care what struggles we have to go through because we could make it work. That is... if he loves me.
Tonight I hung out with Kait, Matt, and Tim at Kony's house and I couldn't stop thinking about him. I think if I just get drunk or high or something maybe I can stop thinking about him for two seconds but I can't. For a second I thought I did but then realized the correlation. I hate how everything links back to him and us spending every possible moment together these past two months.
Matt, Tim, and myself picked up a stray dog at WalMart and carted it all over the place looking for the owners and we finally found them (from Lake Tomahawk) and they offered us money or whatever. It was the sweetest puppy ever- 3 yr old yellow lab/golden retriever mix and it's name was Nugs. It was hilarious when Matt and Tim were going through names trying to see what he'd respond to and they said like Rick Flair and I was like seriously, who'd name their dog that unless they were him and even then I highly doubt he lives in WI and even then there's no way he lives up here. Tim guessed pistol and remington and I guess it was close considering nug is gun backwards.
Even though it was nice to be loved by a puppy, it just reminded me of the time Dane saved a kitten for an elderly woman. This time it was me saving the animal as it frightenly ran around the parking lot with it's tail between its legs between speeding cars. Everyone that tried to approach him just scared him away so I just yelled out "SIT" and he sat so I went up and took his collar and talked to him and decided to get him out of there because he was obviously shocked from the situation. There was a time when the four of us- Matt, Tim, Nugs, and Me were in the police station walk through enclosure (it was closed) just sitting and chatting for like half an hour. Nugs calmed down and started wagging his tail and even licked us a few times and just kept going back and forth between us.
I love animals so much even though this still hurts so much. Dane said he's not the one for me because all he ever did was hurt me. I'm shaking and trying not to cry because my nose is raw and my eyes are swollen and burning. Kait said to give it three months- the amount of time we were totally together to get over him but the reality is that I don't want to. Love is so messed up... Dane isn't good for me. I mean by no standards is he bad but he's so stubborn and to have just been with him these past 2 months took a lot of change on my part.
I miss him so much and I don't want to be with anyone else, I don't want to feel anyone else's touch, kiss, smile... I just want Dane to love me like he has so much. I want my farm boy back. I want to be in his arms, to look into his gorgeous green and gold eyes, to smell his amazingly comforting yet attractive smell, to feel his body against mine. I never got a good bye kiss... I never even knew it was coming... that last day we spent together he never even hugged me and it hurts so much to feel such abandonment from him. I can't be away from him but it tears me apart to even see him and... for him to just call me and tell me (after he ripped me apart last night) that he's just a scared little boy. Whatever, I wrote a shitty poem about it...
hit repeat on your tears
living the regret of fear
let, it all sink in
even the sin
uncertainty in his eyes
how could he lie
and now he's lost
two hearts it cost
the skip in his voice
the flutter it cast
his words of choice
left me last
here, alone
all clearly shone
explainations
of no relevance
indications
that made no sense
*sigh* of a true note
the lies you knew you wrote
in me
in all you can't be
such a hypocrit
yet, here I sit
crying
denying
the fall
build up this wall
I knew he was scared but you shouldn't run when you are... Dane's the one that told me that and what he's doing right now is precisely that. Being the hypocrit he's running as fast and far as he can like running the 20 minutes over me on the elyptical drove this unseen void between us. There was this huge wall coming from him and it angered me simply because I was afraid of losing him and hey, I was right. Obviously I wasn't good enough because he didn't chose me. I just want my fucking heart back... it hurts everywhere. He's not helping me like he said he was... he said he was holding me back and he's not. Fuck, if anything he just set me back three months- the time I need to get back to normal. I don't want to date anymore. You really can't when you're in love with the one person you can't date.
One day he's going to wake up and realize what he did was wrong and that he can never have me back for how much he hurt me not just once but twice. I hope he doesn't just to prove me and my bitter-frozen-void-lacking-thereof-a-heart wrong.
Obviously the frozen part hasn't happened yet or I wouldn't be crying again... Please go numb soon... I can't handle this pain anymore.
Mandy ~ 2:01 AM