Who I Am
These are my true thoughts...
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albinoblacksheep.com
www.myspace.com
www.ebaumsworld.com
Credits of the Creator
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Picture found @ Digital Blasphemy
Friday, January 19, 2007
Why can't I just have a break? Why can't I hang out with a straight guy that doesn't have a prerogative? He told me he's liked me ever since he first saw me in highschool... That's 6 years...
He sat there after telling me and I didn't say anything for a minute and then I managed to squeak out an "It's ok, I don't mind that you like me" and then he laughed and said "No, how do you feel about me?" and I said "You're a great guy..." him "And?" and I said "I like you" and I cut myself off before saying "as a friend". WHY?! Maybe because I just got a job and I'm going to be working with him. This is so awkward and idk what to do. I can't just say "I just want to be friends"
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why can't I get a break? Seriously, the guy I love just dumped me and the guy I've turned to and thought I formed a friendship with has just admitted that he's basically had a crush on me for the past 6 years.
I'm so sick of life. Yea, everyone reading this is probably laughing and telling me I'm stupid but I just can't stop crying. I'm crying again. Every time I think of Dane I just start crying and each day it's getting worse. I still love him now and I'll still love him a year from now. I can't make my heart stop hurting. I told Logan that I'm going to be single a really long time because I love Dane. I have never cried so much in my life... I'm going to have to start washing my eyes though because the skin is literally burned from my tears. I didn't know it was even possible but I guess after so much salt or saline or whatever it is that's in tears touches the eye area so much it just starts to burn the skin. It seriously feels like my eyes are on fire.
Why do I keep crying? Why can't I just stop? Dane's a jerk... he has this address... he has my myspace and connections to my facebook. He has availability to everything I write and I haven't heard his voice, haven't gotten any messages, haven't seen him. I just want to see him, run to him, hug him, and not let go. Just refuse to let him leave me. Kait said I look so much older now post hair cut and I think that isn't the only factor... I think it's the fact that I've been crying so much my eyes are dropping, I haven't been sleeping and then when I do I sleep for so long that I'm too weak to even get up so I wake up and then I just go back to sleep. I barely eat anything and only eat when people notice I'm not.
I wonder how he's doing... Probably fine. He goes online but then doesn't message me so I talk to him and pretend that he reads it all and is just so hurt that he can't reply. I e-mailed him this novel... it's 12 paragraphs long. A lot of what I write just comes straight from what I'm thinking that exact moment... little revelations to me so even if he doesn't read it, just deletes it, I still have the epiphanies like...
"i was never good enough... for you i'm not sure but i definitely was never good enough for your parents"
His parents were relieved when Dane broke up with me. I could see... feel how much it hurt him and yet... He still played the pawn.
"i feel this relationship has put into perspective the realization that this love would make any life complete. the fact that you gave it up doesn't mean it still isn't there unless... well, unless one very simple and all-together feasible reality were to occur...
the fact that you never loved me at all."
If he could just tell me with 100% truth that he never loved me it would kill me. It would absolutely destroy me but then I could move on. I have no closure because the way he broke up with me... the way he just played this facade... this robot that had no emotion and for me to talk to him for minutes and it to just crack the strongest titanium of that robot mask... To hold him while he SOBBED... my shirt was drenched from his tears. Yet, each tear felt like one closer to him, to his heart being open to me again, to him showing me he truly loves me. So why am I sitting here, typing this at 1 am when I'm waking up in 6 hours for orientation and he's going to school tomorrow. I can't sleep... I can't.
I just sit here, typing what my heart feels while listening to "Paper Heart" by All-American Rejects on repeat. It fits our situation so much and eventually... I will fall "to the arms of a friend"... Logan and I hate to admit... "to settle for less is not what I prefer" because Logan is amazing... He's been there for me, listened to me talk insesantly about you, Dane... listened to me spill about everything, how much it hurts... my heart, it physically feels like I'm having a heart attack and sometimes I just let it take me and I sob on the bathroom floor clutching my chest while it throbs. I wonder if you can truly die from heartbreak. If you can I'm sure I can.
"Tears fall down your face... the taste is something new"
Thank you Dane for showing me heartbreak...
"Please just don't play with me, my paper heart will bleed, this wait for destiny won't do, be with me please, I'll beseech you... simple things that make you run away, catch you if I can"
Such simple things... minor differences in opinion. Every person is unique. I can't wait for destiny if we're meant to be... I need you now... One day I will die from heartbreak.
"My tongue is tied to a dream of being with you..."
What words will bring you back?
"Winter nights, my bedside is cold, for I am gone, Spring blossoms you to me"
Please be true... spring. I love this boy so much. Words can't describe this except to say that truly morbid thoughts cross me all the time now... my loved ones dying, my dog dying, my heart dying... the world dying. Horrific nightmares... is this my heart hardening, dying? I can't become a cold-hearted person... that's just not me and it never was. Is this the effect of heartbreak? I'm glad I'm not in school because the chances of my seeing Dane... I wouldn't be able to do anything and at least without seeing him I can hold my tears until I get home. God knows I can't stop thinking about him. A moment of rest, please... a break, something. I need this to just stop for a few seconds to catch my breath, to grab a nap, to be a person again, and not some shell of what used to be Amanda Marquardt. Amanda Marquardt is not a dying, heart-broken, shell.
He sat there after telling me and I didn't say anything for a minute and then I managed to squeak out an "It's ok, I don't mind that you like me" and then he laughed and said "No, how do you feel about me?" and I said "You're a great guy..." him "And?" and I said "I like you" and I cut myself off before saying "as a friend". WHY?! Maybe because I just got a job and I'm going to be working with him. This is so awkward and idk what to do. I can't just say "I just want to be friends"
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why can't I get a break? Seriously, the guy I love just dumped me and the guy I've turned to and thought I formed a friendship with has just admitted that he's basically had a crush on me for the past 6 years.
I'm so sick of life. Yea, everyone reading this is probably laughing and telling me I'm stupid but I just can't stop crying. I'm crying again. Every time I think of Dane I just start crying and each day it's getting worse. I still love him now and I'll still love him a year from now. I can't make my heart stop hurting. I told Logan that I'm going to be single a really long time because I love Dane. I have never cried so much in my life... I'm going to have to start washing my eyes though because the skin is literally burned from my tears. I didn't know it was even possible but I guess after so much salt or saline or whatever it is that's in tears touches the eye area so much it just starts to burn the skin. It seriously feels like my eyes are on fire.
Why do I keep crying? Why can't I just stop? Dane's a jerk... he has this address... he has my myspace and connections to my facebook. He has availability to everything I write and I haven't heard his voice, haven't gotten any messages, haven't seen him. I just want to see him, run to him, hug him, and not let go. Just refuse to let him leave me. Kait said I look so much older now post hair cut and I think that isn't the only factor... I think it's the fact that I've been crying so much my eyes are dropping, I haven't been sleeping and then when I do I sleep for so long that I'm too weak to even get up so I wake up and then I just go back to sleep. I barely eat anything and only eat when people notice I'm not.
I wonder how he's doing... Probably fine. He goes online but then doesn't message me so I talk to him and pretend that he reads it all and is just so hurt that he can't reply. I e-mailed him this novel... it's 12 paragraphs long. A lot of what I write just comes straight from what I'm thinking that exact moment... little revelations to me so even if he doesn't read it, just deletes it, I still have the epiphanies like...
"i was never good enough... for you i'm not sure but i definitely was never good enough for your parents"
His parents were relieved when Dane broke up with me. I could see... feel how much it hurt him and yet... He still played the pawn.
"i feel this relationship has put into perspective the realization that this love would make any life complete. the fact that you gave it up doesn't mean it still isn't there unless... well, unless one very simple and all-together feasible reality were to occur...
the fact that you never loved me at all."
If he could just tell me with 100% truth that he never loved me it would kill me. It would absolutely destroy me but then I could move on. I have no closure because the way he broke up with me... the way he just played this facade... this robot that had no emotion and for me to talk to him for minutes and it to just crack the strongest titanium of that robot mask... To hold him while he SOBBED... my shirt was drenched from his tears. Yet, each tear felt like one closer to him, to his heart being open to me again, to him showing me he truly loves me. So why am I sitting here, typing this at 1 am when I'm waking up in 6 hours for orientation and he's going to school tomorrow. I can't sleep... I can't.
I just sit here, typing what my heart feels while listening to "Paper Heart" by All-American Rejects on repeat. It fits our situation so much and eventually... I will fall "to the arms of a friend"... Logan and I hate to admit... "to settle for less is not what I prefer" because Logan is amazing... He's been there for me, listened to me talk insesantly about you, Dane... listened to me spill about everything, how much it hurts... my heart, it physically feels like I'm having a heart attack and sometimes I just let it take me and I sob on the bathroom floor clutching my chest while it throbs. I wonder if you can truly die from heartbreak. If you can I'm sure I can.
"Tears fall down your face... the taste is something new"
Thank you Dane for showing me heartbreak...
"Please just don't play with me, my paper heart will bleed, this wait for destiny won't do, be with me please, I'll beseech you... simple things that make you run away, catch you if I can"
Such simple things... minor differences in opinion. Every person is unique. I can't wait for destiny if we're meant to be... I need you now... One day I will die from heartbreak.
"My tongue is tied to a dream of being with you..."
What words will bring you back?
"Winter nights, my bedside is cold, for I am gone, Spring blossoms you to me"
Please be true... spring. I love this boy so much. Words can't describe this except to say that truly morbid thoughts cross me all the time now... my loved ones dying, my dog dying, my heart dying... the world dying. Horrific nightmares... is this my heart hardening, dying? I can't become a cold-hearted person... that's just not me and it never was. Is this the effect of heartbreak? I'm glad I'm not in school because the chances of my seeing Dane... I wouldn't be able to do anything and at least without seeing him I can hold my tears until I get home. God knows I can't stop thinking about him. A moment of rest, please... a break, something. I need this to just stop for a few seconds to catch my breath, to grab a nap, to be a person again, and not some shell of what used to be Amanda Marquardt. Amanda Marquardt is not a dying, heart-broken, shell.
Mandy ~ 12:25 AM