Who I Am
These are my true thoughts...
My Past
08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003
09/01/2003 - 10/01/2003
10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003
11/01/2003 - 12/01/2003
12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004
01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004
02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005
06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005
10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
Favorite Websites
albinoblacksheep.com
www.myspace.com
www.ebaumsworld.com
Credits of the Creator
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Picture found @ Digital Blasphemy
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Argh
Nothing's working tonight... I had to change my password for this once again and I had to restore my ipod so it deleted all of my fucking songs because Joe Busko gave me a bunch of his shitty songs that I don't even like from his library and mine didn't recognize them so it alienated my freaking ipod and messed it up hardcore. So... I had to wipe the whole thing.
Other than that, I have a cold, I work tomorrow (4-11) so I want music for closing alone and I'm trying to charge my ipod so now I'm going to do that and then have to reload all of my songs from a downloader. This is going to take FOREVER! Might as well grab a bit to eat and facilitate...
Sweet flying spaghetti monster, it's quarter to 4 am! I'm listening to "Become" by Goo Goo Dolls and it just... it makes my stomach knot. It's simply amazing.
"You've been hiding in the shadows
Have you forgotten how we used to dream
Let me remind you
The light doesn't blind you at all
It just helps you see
Can you see
Yeah you have become
Yeah you have become beautiful"
It makes me shiver. Probably because I relate so well... Damn, I can fucking look in the mirror... no makeup, acne all over, tired, sick, and feel better than I did when I was with Dane. Part of me still wants that... that ignorance that I had before it ended. The ignorance Dane still carries in his heart. I'm happy, I'm me, and I'm doing what I want. Including this relationship with Logan. He is so beautiful to me. The way he talks, looks at me, holds me, runs his fingers up and down my back so caringly, the way I can just collapse into his arms and feel safe and happy, when he makes a girly sigh, pretends he's weak and is going to tip us over when we're standing. He just... gets me and it's so weird. I sigh and he knows if there's something behind it or not. He never says a word and I can tell if he's upset or not.
Tonight I told him there was a wall and he said it was his shyness and he said he'd take out the bulldozer and it was sooo cute. He just says things like that... (standing in Walmart looking at magazines "how to look super sexy this summer" with a girl and her boobs are pushed up) I said "guess I'll have to get a boob job" and he said "Only if I can get one too" and it just stopped everything in my mind. He's just so perfectly imperfect. Tonight he was... I couldn't let him go and he didn't want to leave but he has to wake up in an hour (5 am) for work and when he got home he wrote me a message before going to sleep and this is part of what was in it...
"so i was thinking, if we're still going out by the time i go to college(i really hope we are) what would we do?"
And then I started thinking and I really didn't know what to tell him because in 6 months he's leaving for Eau Clair- he'll go to UWEC for 8 months and become a lineman. This is so freaking weird because he already works full time so if I'm lucky I get to see him every other day for a couple of hours at night because we work opposing shifts. He works gets home at 5 pm and I'm usually at work by then. I almost never get morning shifts so I usually work 3-11, 4-11, 5-8, or 12-8 and he goes to sleep at 10 pm or earlier. So, it usually ends up where he's sacrificing sleep to be with me and it sucks. I've only been working at video for a month and I'm already sick of it. I want a stable 9-4 job where I can work mon-fri mornings and then have my nights and weekends off with Logan.
I should've applied at Laser Pros although I bet I wouldn't have gotten a morning shift anyway. I bet the pay is better as well compaired to $7/hour at video. That's what sucks about working a job where the pay was insane... every place after that may have a better work environment but the pay automatically sucks compaired to that which was three times more. Fucking $21/hour (automatic 40 hour weeks), $31.5 saturdays, and $42 sundays. Especially when I was usually working 10 and 12 hour shifts on Fridays and every other weekend. My tax refund's going to be fucking insane. I fucking hate money... it's stupid, complicated, and makes people greedy. What Logan's going to be... he'll be able to retire by 50 if he wants.
I want... I've no clue what I want. I want art, music, stability, and I don't think I'll ever have all of those. I should just go and be something I know I can do... Secretary. I already have two years experience although I'd hate dressing for office working, hate being stationary, hate being organized, hate staring at that pc screen for hours on end, I'd pretty much hate everything about it. I should get an appointment with a career planner. I need to sleep... waking up in 6 hours or so...
Nothing's working tonight... I had to change my password for this once again and I had to restore my ipod so it deleted all of my fucking songs because Joe Busko gave me a bunch of his shitty songs that I don't even like from his library and mine didn't recognize them so it alienated my freaking ipod and messed it up hardcore. So... I had to wipe the whole thing.
Other than that, I have a cold, I work tomorrow (4-11) so I want music for closing alone and I'm trying to charge my ipod so now I'm going to do that and then have to reload all of my songs from a downloader. This is going to take FOREVER! Might as well grab a bit to eat and facilitate...
Sweet flying spaghetti monster, it's quarter to 4 am! I'm listening to "Become" by Goo Goo Dolls and it just... it makes my stomach knot. It's simply amazing.
"You've been hiding in the shadows
Have you forgotten how we used to dream
Let me remind you
The light doesn't blind you at all
It just helps you see
Can you see
Yeah you have become
Yeah you have become beautiful"
It makes me shiver. Probably because I relate so well... Damn, I can fucking look in the mirror... no makeup, acne all over, tired, sick, and feel better than I did when I was with Dane. Part of me still wants that... that ignorance that I had before it ended. The ignorance Dane still carries in his heart. I'm happy, I'm me, and I'm doing what I want. Including this relationship with Logan. He is so beautiful to me. The way he talks, looks at me, holds me, runs his fingers up and down my back so caringly, the way I can just collapse into his arms and feel safe and happy, when he makes a girly sigh, pretends he's weak and is going to tip us over when we're standing. He just... gets me and it's so weird. I sigh and he knows if there's something behind it or not. He never says a word and I can tell if he's upset or not.
Tonight I told him there was a wall and he said it was his shyness and he said he'd take out the bulldozer and it was sooo cute. He just says things like that... (standing in Walmart looking at magazines "how to look super sexy this summer" with a girl and her boobs are pushed up) I said "guess I'll have to get a boob job" and he said "Only if I can get one too" and it just stopped everything in my mind. He's just so perfectly imperfect. Tonight he was... I couldn't let him go and he didn't want to leave but he has to wake up in an hour (5 am) for work and when he got home he wrote me a message before going to sleep and this is part of what was in it...
"so i was thinking, if we're still going out by the time i go to college(i really hope we are) what would we do?"
And then I started thinking and I really didn't know what to tell him because in 6 months he's leaving for Eau Clair- he'll go to UWEC for 8 months and become a lineman. This is so freaking weird because he already works full time so if I'm lucky I get to see him every other day for a couple of hours at night because we work opposing shifts. He works gets home at 5 pm and I'm usually at work by then. I almost never get morning shifts so I usually work 3-11, 4-11, 5-8, or 12-8 and he goes to sleep at 10 pm or earlier. So, it usually ends up where he's sacrificing sleep to be with me and it sucks. I've only been working at video for a month and I'm already sick of it. I want a stable 9-4 job where I can work mon-fri mornings and then have my nights and weekends off with Logan.
I should've applied at Laser Pros although I bet I wouldn't have gotten a morning shift anyway. I bet the pay is better as well compaired to $7/hour at video. That's what sucks about working a job where the pay was insane... every place after that may have a better work environment but the pay automatically sucks compaired to that which was three times more. Fucking $21/hour (automatic 40 hour weeks), $31.5 saturdays, and $42 sundays. Especially when I was usually working 10 and 12 hour shifts on Fridays and every other weekend. My tax refund's going to be fucking insane. I fucking hate money... it's stupid, complicated, and makes people greedy. What Logan's going to be... he'll be able to retire by 50 if he wants.
I want... I've no clue what I want. I want art, music, stability, and I don't think I'll ever have all of those. I should just go and be something I know I can do... Secretary. I already have two years experience although I'd hate dressing for office working, hate being stationary, hate being organized, hate staring at that pc screen for hours on end, I'd pretty much hate everything about it. I should get an appointment with a career planner. I need to sleep... waking up in 6 hours or so...
Mandy ~ 3:31 AM